Original subtitles

(whistling sprightly tune)

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also sfam‘ng Don Knotrs.

How about i1, Sheriff, can I go?

Now just a second, Otis,

We got to get something settled here.

Now, Andy, you get a chance to do some real police work

and you pass it up. Why?

Barney, you're making a big bawling volcano

out of a little wet weather spring.

Now, how about it, Sheriff?

My 24 hours is up.

I'm trying, Otis,

You just gonna let him walk out, huh?

Well, he always does.

Well, that's just the point.

We're entirely too lax around here.

Now, in the big cilyjails. they give sobriety tests.

Sobriety tests?

Yeah, to find out whether or not a man is sober.

I think we ought to do it here, too.

Well, Barney, I believe a sobriety test

is given to a prisoner when you first bring him in.

Now, you ought to have done that to Otis last night,

Oh, Andy, you know we couldn't have given a sobriety test

to Otis last night.

Well, why not?

He was too drunk.

Now, come on, Andy, just let me give him an alertness test.

All right.

You just leave it to me.

Otis...

Sheriff...

Take the test.

Otis Campbell...

you was brought in here on the charge of drunkenness.

Now. it‘s my job to see if you're fit

to take your place in society again.

It was last night I had a snoottul.

I'm all right this morning.

We'll determine that in just a minute.

Now, I'm gonna test your reactions

and your reflexes.

This jail's getting to be as bad as home.

BARNEY: Now, first we're going to try

a little verbal coordination test.

Now, I'm gonna say a sentence

and then I want you to see ifyou can say it.

Now, you ready?

Now, here it is.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pop...

Peter Piper picked a pack of pick-pickled pep...

Pe-Peter Pickle picked a peck of pick...

Peter-Peter Pepper Peter picked a peck of...

Peter Piper picked a peek of pickled peppers. Is that k?

Yeah, that’s the one.

All right, now for a little muscle coordination.

Now, here's what I want you to do.

Spread your arms out.

Close your eyes

and bring your hands together

and touch yourfingertips.

Got that?

All right, let's see you do it.

(nasally tone): All right, Otis.

Otis?

Otis, let go, Otis,

Otis, let go.

Okay“ .

Now, Otis, you know, when a man's been drinking

the first thing he loses is his endurance.

Now, I'm gonna give you a little endurance test.

Let's just see how much endurance you‘ve got, okay?

All right, Otis,

on your feet,

Now, lift your right foot,

When I give the command, start hopping on your left,

Ready?

Hep!

On command, change feet,

Hep!

Hep!

Hep!

Hep!

Hep.

(weakly): Hep.

Can I go now?

Barney“ .

Well, that-that really is. . .

that's the most scientific test I ever saw.

(Andy laughing)

You ought to write that up and send R in to the FBI.

Call it the "Barney Fife Peter Piper

Nose-pinching Test for Drunks."

(phone rings)

Hello.

Oh, hello, Mayor.

Yes, sir.

All right, we'll be right up,

Barney, the Mayor wants us

to come up to his office right away.

Come on. You ready?

All right, follow me.

Hep!

That's very tunny,

Very funny,

And of course, we'll help you in any way we can.

Oh, come in, Andy.

I'm glad you came right on up.

Andy, say how do you do to Mrs. Wickes and Mrs. Bixby,

This is Sherift Taylor and his deputy,

How do, ladies? How are you?

Andy, these lovely ladies are here

from that line organization, the Women's Historical Society.

Oh, is that right?

Yes. Thej/ve come here to honor us.

Go ahead, tell the Sheriff, ladies.

Mayberry should be very proud, Sheriff Taylor.

It will finally get the recognition it deserves

for the incident at Mayberry Bridge

during our great War of Independence.

Oh, I don't believe I know about that.

Something happened over at the bridge, did it?

Wat till you hear of it. Go on, tell him, tell him.

Oh, yes.

A soldier from right here in Mayberry, Nathan Tibbs,

ran eight miles through the snow,

set the bridge on fire,

just in time to prevent the enemy from crossing,

-Well, Ideclare. -Yeah.

Because of that one man‘s bravery,

General Washington's men were able

to capture an entire regiment.

Oh, well, how about that?

Now, that is interesting.

Well, really, the exciting part of it is this:

Living right here in Mayberry

is the direct descendant of Nathan Tibbs.

Nah.

MAYOR: Yes. Go on. Tell him. Is that right, ladies?

Well, so far we haven't been able to trace him

in any of the other towns.

And your Mayor has been kind enough

to let us borrow the local records,

so that we can take them to our headquarters and study,

So you see, it is just possible that the descendant

may be living right here now in Mayberry.

The celebration will be on Wednesday,

It'll be right here in my office,

and, boy, what a day that” be for...

Oh, won't it now?

-Newspaperrnen, photographers. -Yeah.

MAYOR: Come on, ladies,

let me get you those records.

Good-bye, gentlemen,

You know what, ladies? If you’re interested

I also have a daughter who sings,

And for the occasion, she might sing "Yankee Doodle"

or ”Jimmy Crack Com" or "Flow Gently Sweet Afton."

She's done very well with that one.

-Hey, Andy? -Hmm?

Can you imagine that?

A Revolutionary War hero

living right here in Mayberry.

How about that?

Yeah.

Who do you suppose it could be?

I don't know.

Could be anybody, you know?

Yeah, it could, couldn't it?

Yeah.

Andy...

Hmm?

Wouldn't it be funny if it turned out to be me?

-You7 -Yeah.

Yeah, I reckon it would.

(laughing)

What are you laughing at?

Well, you said, 'Wouldn't it be tunnjfl"

so I'm laughing.

Well, I didn't mean funny in that way.

(chuckles)

You know, Andy, sometimes you go just a little too far.

Oh, well-well, golly, Barney. I'm sorry,

I didn't know you were that sensitive about it.

Well, I am-- I'm very sensitive.

I'm like my mother.

She's very sensitive,

All us Fifes are sensitive.

Oh, well, well, in that case, Barney, I‘m-I'm very sorry.

Well, it's all right.

Next time, just-just think.

Well, okay.

All right.

Besides, what's so impossible

about my being related to a Revolutionary War hero?

Nothing.

| just don’t believe there's

a Nathan Tibbs in your family tree.

| tell you what, though.

There might be a Peter Piper in it.

on, hi, Andy.

Howdy, boys.

Find out any more about that there Nathan Tibbs?

Found out who his kin might be?

No, not yet, Judd.

The ladies are working on it, though,

Could be any of us, couldn't it, Sheriff?

Yeah, it could.

Could be me, huh?

(chuckles): Yeah. Whoever it is,

it'll be a mighty big thing for the town, won't it?

(chuckles)

Wonder where Barney's been all morning.

Paw, can I ask you something?

Ask away.

Let me get that shoe there. Get up here.

Is it barely possible

that Nathan Tibbs could have been my grandpa?

-Come on, Opie. -ls it, Paw?

No, it‘s not barely possible, nor remotely possible.

See, if Nathan Tibbs was your grandpa,

that’d make him my paw,

and that'd make me out to be at least 170 years old.

Now you don't think I'm that old, do you?

Gosh, no, Paw.

Good.

You don't even look 70 years old.

Thanks. See, Opie, a lot of folks

could start claiming that Nathan Tibbs

was their ancestor, but that ain't possible.

He couldn't have been great, great granddaddy

to all the folks in this town.

Why not, Paw?

George Washington was the father of this whole country.

Well, that's different.

Hovls it different?

Well. you see, in one case, "father..."

Uh, well, uh...

"lather" means...

Why don‘t we talk about this some other time?

Now, you get on off to school.

How about a catch, Paw?

I'll give you one catch, get up here.

All right.

All right, ready?

Oh! Now you get on over there to school.

Don't be late, now.

lwon‘t, Paw.

-Bye. —BARNEY: Bye,

-0PIE: Hi. -Hi, Andy.

Oh, howdy, Barney. What you got there?

Wait till you see, just wait,

-What is it? -You won't believe it.

What?

-Wait till you see, -See what?

-You want to see? -I sure do.

-You won't believe it. -Barney. ..

Well, it's about Nathan Tibbs and his descendant.

Uh-huh.

I know who the descendant is.

You do?

Who?

(whistling "Yankee Doodle")

You?

Barney Fife?

Barney Tibbs Fife.

I thought your middle name was Oliver.

Well, there's a Tibbs in there someplace.

Look at this.

See? Now, this is a chart of Nathan Tibbs' family tree.

Well, where did you get this?

Over at the library.

You mean, this whole thing was in the librarjfl

Well, not the whole thing, but just the start of it.

The rest I deduced.

Oh, you deduced?

Yeah, it deduces right out to me.

Me, Barney Fife.

I almost started to cry right in the library.

You did?

Now, see, it starts up here with Nathan Tibbs

and his wife, Anna.

Then it follows down

through all this begattin'

down to where Otto Tibbs

married Doris White

and they begat a daughter named Helen.

Now, this is where the evidence begins to pile up,

Helen Tibbs married the second cousin

of a fella named Duncan Fife.

I believe I've heard of him.

Yeah, I think he was a carpenter or something,

That‘s pretty close, I guess.

Well, do you get the picture?

See, this is where the Tibbs family

and the Fifes got together for the first time.

And they kept on begettin' and begettin'

till finally they begot you.

Is that what you deduced?

It's right here in black and white, Andy.

Well, there‘s just one little bitty flaw

there, though, Barney.

I believe the Fife fella you‘re talking about

spelled his name P-h-y-f-e, and you spell yours F-i-f-e,

Well, sooner or later

somebody had to spell it right.

Well, what I mean is

they finally spelled it the simple way,

I don't know, Barney.

lwouldn‘t be too sure.

Oh, Andy, no, this is it.

It's me.

Yeah, I'm really related to old Nate

Nate?

Well, seeing as how he’s kin...

Well, I don't know, Barney.

All I can tell you is that right now, at this very second,

them two ladies that was in here yesterday

they're back at their headquarters

studying the records for themselves.

And pretty soon, we'll know

who the rightful descendant of Nathan Tibbs actually is,

Harriet, there's no mistake about it.

He’s the one— Nathan Tibbs' descendant.

And he does live in Mayberry after all,

Mm-hmm,

And now, what was that name once again?

"Otis Campbell."

(muttering)

(phone rings)

Sheriff's office. Deputy Fife speaking. Hello?

on, hi, Andy.

A-are you coming down soon?

Oh, it's been quiet.

Well, l-l had to bring Otis Campbell in again last night.

Yeah, it-it is unusual, two-two nights in a row.

Well, must have had a tiff at home.

Yeah. Okay. You coming right down, then?

All right, I'll see you.

"Honorable Mayor,

"ladies of the Women's Historical Society,

distinguished guests, friends..."

Hey, Otis?

Otis?

Otis...

(mumbling)

Can-can you spare a minute?

This is my acceptance speech for the award.

l... I want you to listen to it, okay?

(clearing throat)

"Honorable Mayor,

"ladies of the Women's Historical Society,

"distinguished guests, friends and neighbors:

"I stand before you a humble man

"all choked up with humbleness and humility,

"In acceptin' this award

"I can only say | feel grateful to you,

"Honorable Mayor,

"ladies of the Women's Historical Society,

"distinguished guests,

"friends and neighbors.

"l was born right here in Mayberry

"of humble parents in a humble home.

"And I will long remember this day, Honorable Mayor,

"ladies of the Women's Historical Society,

friends and neighbors,"

AN DY: You forgot "distinguished guests."

Oh, yeah. Distinguished guests.

I didn‘t see you come in.

I think you ought to get another award for humbleness.

Kind of overdid it, huh?

A mite.

Better take out one "humble."

I would.

Well, momin', ladies.

BOTH: Good morning.

Well, we're that much closer

to the ceremony now.

I imagine you‘ve been rather curious.

Yes.

Oh, we surely have.

You got the name

of the rightful descendant, have you?

We certainly have.

This is it, Andy.

-| just hope I don't cry, -Yeah.

Us Fifes are so sensitive.

Who's the lucky person?

The name of the rightful descendant

of Nathan Tibbs is, urn... Otis Campbell.

Otis Campbell?

There, didn't I tell you?

Otis Campbell?

(mumbling)

Mercy, what's that?

Oh, oh, nothing,

J-just a prisoner,

Pay-pay him no mind.

Ladies, are you sure?

Oh, yes. We went through your records

very thoroughly.

Otis Campbell?

(Otis muttering)

Oh, well, thank you, ladies.

That certainly is exciting news.

Sheriff, is Mr. Campbell far from here?

Uh, no.

We want to call on him

and give him the information in person.

Oh, well, |, uh,

I-l-l believe Otis is out of town.

Oh, dear.

Do you know where?

Uh, no, but I know he's out.

But wewe'll track him down.

Well, I hope so, because we're going

to make the presentation late this aflemoon.

We'll get him. We'll get him.

Mr. Campbell should be so excited

about the news.

| just can‘t wait to tell him

and watch his face light up.

Oh, he'll be lit up all right.

We'll see you, then later,

and I do hope

Mr. Campbell will be with you.

-Yes. —Yes, good-bye, Sheriff.

Bye, ladies.

I got to get with the Mayor on this right away.

We'd better try to sober up

Mayberry/s most distinguished citizen

and get him out of here

before those two ladies come back.

Otis Campbell?!

What?!

The town drunk being honored?

We'll be a laughin' stock,

Oh, we'll never be able to live it down.

Maybe we ought to call the ceremony off.

Oh, it's a dark day for Mayberry.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, We cannot allow

Otis Campbell to accept that plaque.

Now that‘s all there is to it.

Whoa, now, wait a minute, Now wait, nowjust hold on,

| just don't see how we can deprive Otis

of what's rightfully his.

After all, he is a direct descendant of Nathan Tibbs.

And how do we know that Nathan Tibbs himself

didn't take a taste or two once in a while?

We can't depend on Otis.

He might show up boiled as an owl.

Well, how you goin' to do it?

How you going to stop it?

Andy, it's up to you.

Well, you're closer to Otis than any of us,

Now, why can‘t you

hustle him out of town for a couple days

and see if you can't find somebody else

to accept the plaque for him?

It ain't fair, Mayor.

It just ain't fair.

Andy, we're looking to you

to save the dignity of our fair c'ty,

Get us a substitute for Otis Campbell.

This is the biggest thing that ever happened to me.

You‘re pretty excited about it, too,

are you, Mrs. Campbell?

Oh, I certainly am.

That's the first time for ages

she‘s ever planted anything as light as a kiss

on top of my head.

Stop.

It‘s true.

Otis, I better start tidying up

if we're gonna be in the Mayor’s office

this afternoon.

You go ahead, honey.

Excuse me, Sheriff.

I‘ll see you later at the presentation.

Yes, ma'am.

(humming)

She's sure taking this awful big.

She sure is.

Well, why shouldn't she?

She's finally got something to be proud of me for.

You know, Andy,

I've given that woman some awful bad times.

But wait till you see her at that presentation.

She's gonna be as proud as a peacock.

And you, uh... you sure wouldn't think

of letting anything stop you from being there, would you?

What's to stop me? Unless there's another

Otis Campbell gonna be there in my place.

(laughing)

(chuckles)

I wonder what's holding up our guest of honor.

He will be here, won't he?

Oh, yes, yes, he'll be here, all right.

Won't he, Sheriff?

Uh, yes.

It‘s getting late.

Do you think one of us

might go over to Mr. Campbell's house and fetch him?

Oh, no, that won't be necessary.

But, uh, as long as we're waiting,

why not get another picture of me?

Uh, yes, you do that, and we'll go outside

and see ifwe see Otis coming.

Well, you sure fixed it.

What a story this is gonna make.

Barney, please.

I can just see Otis showing up for that plaque now.

(slurred): "Where's my plaque? Give me my plaque."

Then he'll stagger up to that Mrs. Vlfickes

and he'll say, "How about a little drink, baby?"

It's gonna be awful,

Well, I took a gamble.

Yeah, some gamble.

You're gambling the whole town.

What are we gonna do, Andy?

Andy, who did you get, anyway?

Don't he know he‘s supposed to be here on time?

Who is it?

Well, tell him.

Go on. Tell him.

Uh, Mayor, I, uh...

I did n't get a substitute.

Huh?

We're getting the real thing—

Otis Campbell himself.

What?

The hundred percent Otis Campbell.

Or should I say hundred proof?

Oh, you didn't. I specifically asked you

to get us a substitute for him, but you didn't: you got him.

You did, and I didn't, but I did.

-How could you do it? -Well, he did.

-You didn‘t. -I did.

-How? -I just did.

Look, the only plaque that Otis Campbell deserves

is from the Distillers Association of America.

I took a chance, Mayor.

Never mind. Never mind. The only thing to do now

is to get this presentation over

before Otis comes weaving in here,

Oh, this is tentble.

This is just terrible.

You beat everything, you know that?

MAYOR: Ladies and gentlemen,

could I have your attention forjust a moment?

I'm afraid there won't be any Otis Campbell appearing today.

~0h! -Oh, why not?

It seems that Mr. Campbell

has had a sudden recurrence of an old ailment,

and therefore,

he's in no condition to stand up for the occasion.

Oh, how disappointing.

Yes and so it‘s with a deep sense of regret

that | suggest that we go ahead.

(glass shatters)

Oh, could that be Otis Campbell?

Oh, could it ever.

Urn, maybe I better go see if I can help Otis in.

Come on, Deputy,

Hi, Andy.

Look, Mayor, it's Otis,

Hello, Otis.

I want to apologize

for making you good people wait.

The truth is, I'm wearing a brand-new pair of shoes.

Guess I got too much feet in them

and I can hardly walk.

Well, come on in.

Otis, we're...

we're glad you got here.

And... I...

Don't you think we better go ahead with the ceremony

Mrs. Wickes, please?

Mr. Campbell,

on behalf of the Women's Historical Society,

I would like to present you with this plaque

commemorating the heroism

of your famous ancestor, Nathan Tibbs.

With it go our best wishes

to Mayberry/s most distinguished citizen.

Congratulations.

I've been thinking

about the big, long speech I can make here.

Then I got to studying about how that was all wrong.

See, I don't deserve this award.

I didn‘t do nothing.

Being descended from a hero don't make you one.

Shucks, a man can't take credit just for being born,

to accept for the town of Mayberry,

of which I am proud to be a citizen.

Well, now, that was...

Lovely, Mr. Campbell.

That was the most

gracious acceptance speech.

Otis, I'm proud of you.

Barney is, too.

Ain't you, Barney?

Yeah, I'm real proud of you.

Well, I expect it would be appropriate

if we all drank a little toast

for the occasion.

Go ahead, Otis.

I expect Nathan would've wanted it that way,

Have one, too...

(indistinct voices)

-(whistling) -Ycu know, Andy, I sure have to hand it to you.

You sure are a good judge of human nature, you know that?

Oh, yeah.

You must have knowed deep down Otis would show up.

Oh, I knew he'd show up all right,

but for a while there, I wasn't sure in which town.

Do you suppose we ought

to put a plaque in that cell there?

"Otis Campbell slept here"?

"Slept it off here" would be more like it.

I think it'll be a good long time

before Otis comes staggering in here

and taking the key off the walls

and letting himself in that cell.

Oh, I wouldn't go that far.

(chuckles)

(door opens)

You all right, Otis?

l was out shopping with the little woman,

and it got to where it was too much for me.

See, Andy?

| just had to get off my feet,

These shoes are killing me.

See, Barney?

(whistling sprightly tune)