Original subtitles

(whistling sprightly tune)

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also sfam‘ng Don Knotrs.

-What happened then, Paw? -Then the ol' giant some in,

and he says, "Fi, fl, 10, fum."

He says‘ "I smell the blood of an Englishman."

Hi‘ boys.

-0h, hi, Aunt Bee. -Oh, hi, Aunt Bee.

Are you finished?

Yes‘m‘ we got done. I'm just finishing

telling Opie a little tale here.

Giant says, "Fi, fl, fa, fum."

Says, "I smell the blood of an Englishman."

He says‘ "Be he alive

or be he dead, |’|| grind his bones to eat with my panes."

The old giant's wife says, "You don't smell nothing

but that possum you brought in here yesterday."

The old gianl, he says,

"You reckon possum smells like an Englishman?"

And she says, "I reckon." The ol‘ gianl went on lo sleep,

And that‘s when Jack grabbed that golden harp and run for it.

And Jack clumb down that bean tree

before the old giant could get to him.

And when he got to the bottom,

he hit it a lick or two wilh his ax,

and crash come down the bean tree.

And the old giant

was stretched across three counties.

Dead?

Thoroughly

and everlastingly expired.

Boy, tell me another one, Paw.

Tell you no more nothing,

You've got to go back to school. Now march.

That was a fine dinner, Aunt Bee. Outstanding.

Yeah, you keep feeding us like that,

next thing you know, they’ll be calling me porky,

It's possible.

Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

-Come along, Opie. -Yeah, well, I‘ll keep you on, Aunt Bee,

-Why, thank you, Andy. -Here, young'un.

-Thanks, Paw. -Bye!

Bye, Andy!

What are you doing?

Gun-drawing practice.

Ten minutes every day.

If I ever have to use this baby

I want to teach it to come to papa in a hurry.

Now, watch this.

Say somebodyjust sneaked in the back door

and he's told me to reach.

Now you say "reach."

Barney, I ain't got time to play games.

-|'ve got work to do, -Oh, come on!

Tell me to reach. Just say reach,

Okay, reach,

Barney!

I'm sorry, Andy.

Barney, you promised.

How about a little quiet around here, fellas?

Barney, you promised me

when I gave you that bullet

you'd keep it in your shirt pocket.

Now, why‘d you take it out?

Well, I'm sorry, Andy.

Doggone it, that bullet was turning green in my pocket.

I thought it‘d keep better in the gun,

Barney“ .

And besides, I've already lost two bullets in the laundry.

Barney, | just tell you the truth.

I'm scared to give you any more bullets.

YOU COME very near shooting yourself in the foot,

You know there ain‘t exactly much of a call

tor onelegged deputies,

It was an accident.

Aw, I guess you're right.

I guess I don’t deserve a bullet.

I guess all I deserve is an empty gun.

No, wait a minute.

|-|-|'|| give you one more bullet.

But you have got to promise me

that you'll keep it in your shirt pocket.

Now, do you promise?

Yeah, I promise.

And one other thing.

When you send that shirt to the laundry, unload.

Another thing you did--

you woke up our one and only prisoner.

Here. File these. will you?

Yeah. Well, he sure went back to sleep in a hurry.

Boy, that Otis sure tied one on last night.

Some men just don't know how to begin to drink.

Oh, he knows how to begin, all right.

It‘s the quitting part he ain't caught on to.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Sheriffs office.

Sheriff Taylor speaking.

Oh, hello, Sergeant. How are you?

Fine.

Well, sure, sure.

Glad to help you out.

What, what's the prisoners name?

Well, I‘ll be dogged.

Of course I've heard of him.

We'll be looking for you.

Bye.

Well, Barney...

looks like Mayberryjail‘s going to play host

to an outstanding law-breaker.

Yeah? Who?

Did you ever hear of Dan Caldwell?

Da...?

Dan Caldwell?

Gentleman Dan?

The torger’? The swindler?

The confidence man?

Yeah, boy.

He's going to be right here

in our little bitty old jail,

No. You're just saying that.

No, sir, The state police picked him up,

and they want to leave him here for a day or two

till they can extradite him to Atlanta.

Dan Caldwell...

is—is coming here?

Aw, come on.

You‘re pulling my leg,

I am not.

They called me.

Dan Caldwell?

Dan Caldwell's coming here?

Look at this place.

It's a mess!

This cell is so drab, Andy.

Say, maybe we can castle-mine the ceiling, huh?

Oh, I got some summer drapes at home

we ain‘t using.

Andy, listen.

We could rent a floor waxer.

It‘ll only cost 50 cents.

(coughing)

Slow down, Barney,

You‘re busier than a cow/s tail in fly season.

Caldwell's just another prisoner—

a common criminal.

Aw, come on, Andy.

Give credit where credit's due.

Dan Caldwell's been in just about

every name penitentiary in the country.

He's an important man.

Now what are you doing?

I figure this picture of the ocean

will make Mr. Caldwell feel at home.

It‘ll remind him of Alcatraz.

All this fuss over a criminal?

He's a big man.

Let's face it.

Aw, we got to get rid of Otis.

What?!

Aw, come on.

We can't have a high-class man like Dan Caldwell

in the next cell to a common drunk.

Barney“ .

Well, Otis has had a good night's sleep.

Time he went home anyway.

All right, Otis. wake up.

Come on, Otis!

Get up!

0h. .

I'm glad you‘re here, Deputy,

l have a robbery to report.

My blanket's been stolen.

Well, we ain‘t got time for that.

You have to go. Now go on, go on,

But my time isn't up.

It's up, it's up.

Now, go on. Go!

But I haven't had my breakfast.

We'll owe you one.

So long, Otis,

See you next week,

Vtfith these kind of accommodations

| just might not come back.

Go, go, go, go, Dov go, 9°:

Well, is everything in order for our celebrated prisoner?

We haven't torgotten anything, have we?

Uh...

Andy...

Yeah?

Maybe you ought to... put on a tie.

This place ain't been so clean

since the boiler busted and flooded the place.

(siren wailing)

It's him! He‘s here!

It's Caldwell. How do I look?

Well, I think you ought to have worn

striped britches and a cutaway.

Uh-huh.

(siren continues)

(siren continues)

(siren fading down)

Hiya, Sergeant.

Mornin', Andy.

How you doin'? Good trip?

-Fine. -Good.

Now, if you'll just sign the papers...

All right. Understand y'all had

a lt‘lle rain up at the capital.

Our creek flooded over last week.

Well, you better watch that muddy water,

Well, he‘s all yours, Andy.

Oh, uh, Sergeant.

I'd like to tell you that I thoroughly

enjoyed our brief acquaintance.

Here, have a cigar.

These are specially made for me by a little man in Tampa.

Well, thank you, sir.

See you, Andy.

I'll see ya, Sergeant.

Well, Mr. Caldwell,

I'm, uh, Sheriff Taylor.

If you'll cooperate

no reason why we can't make this a pleasant visit.

-Andy? —Hmm?

Oh, this is my deputy, Barney Fife.

Sure is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, sir.

-All right, Barney. -Oh, pardon me.

Want to escort Mr. Caldwell to his quarters?

Oh, yeah.

Uh, rig ht this way, sir.

Excuse me.

Here you are.

0h.

You know, I‘ve had the opportunity

to, uh, visit

many of our foremost penal institutions,

and while this one is not exactly large

I must say it has

a certain informal charm of its own.

I certainly am glad you like it, Mr. Caldwell.

That really does take a load off of my mind.

Would you come out now, Deputy?

That room happens to be a single.

Oh, yeah.

Excuse me.

l, uh, sure have heard

a lot about you, Mr. Caldwell.

0h?

Yeah. Uh...

Would you mind giving me your autograph?

Of course not.

Oh... thanks.

It‘s, uh, it's not for me.

It, it's for a friend of mine.

Here you are.

Yeah.

-Bamey? -Uh, yeah?

'Bout time for the mail to come in. You want to go down

to the post office to pick it up?

Oh, yeah.

Mr. Caldwell, I have to go down to the post office.

Would you like me to get you something while I'm out?

You just name it.

Well, I would like some cigars, it it's not an imposition.

Oh, it's no trouble at all.

I'll be glad to do it.

Well, then you'll need some money, Depu...

Your money‘s no good here. You're a guest.

You're awfully nice to me.

Well...

You know, I'll always think of this place

as my little house away from the big house.

Well, thank you.

You're welcome, Barney.

What did you say?

I said, "You're welcome."

No-no, a-after that?

"You're welcome, Barney."

Yeah, "Barney."

He called me Barney.

Barney, Barney, Barney.

For days, Baby Face Nelson carved this gun out of wood.

Finally, it was perfect.

When the guard opened the door to his cell...

I know! Baby Face made believe

it was a real gun and captured the guard!

You‘re a smart little fellow.

What happened then?

He took the real gun from the guard,

tied him up in the cell, put on the guard's clothes

and marched into the warden's office.

What happened then?

The warden was smart.

He stepped on the secret button,

and the alarm went off.

Gee, you were lucky to be there.

Sirens were screaming,

(imitating siren)

Search lights criss-crossing,

but was Baby Face soared?

No!

He jumped out the window right into a laundry truck,

hit the driver on the head

and started to drive that truck

across the yard.

Bullets were flying.

Ping! Ping!

(imitating machine gun)

But Baby Face held on to that wheel

and drove that truck right through the main gate,

and that's how Baby Face made his getaway.

I saw the whole thing with my own eyes.

Boy. that was the best story

I ever heard in my whole life.

Do you know any better ones?

Tell you what, Opie.

You come back tomorrow

and I'll tell you the story about John Dillinger.

Vlfill you? Promise?

On my word as a gentleman,

Oh, you got here early, Opie.

Hi, Barney. Well, come along,

Got to get you some new shoes.

0h, Aunt Bee, this is Gentleman Dan Caldwell.

He's going to be staying with us fora day or so.

He's a friend of mine.

Mr. Caldwell, this is Aunt Bee.

An unexpected pleasure.

How do you do?

Tell her about Baby Face Nelson.

Opie, I'm sure a woman as cultured and refined

as your Aunt Bee

isn't interested in that type of story.

Uh, Mr. Caldwell, Aunt Bee's the one that feeds us around here.

Wait till you taste her cooking.

Her rhubarb pie won a blue ribbon in the county fair,

Oh, Barney, please?

I'm sure Aunt Bee is capable

of culinary masterpieces, but I don't deserve them.

What am I?

A misfit, a scoundrel, a miserable wrongdoer,

and I must pay for my mistakes,

Oh, Mr. Caldwell, everybody makes mistakes,

and you're brave and honest to face them.

Well, thank you.

Come along, Opie,

Good-bye, Mr. Caldwell.

It's been really nice meeting you,

Thank you again. and may I say

that I never met a more charming lady,

0h.

On my word as a gentleman,

AUNT BEE: Come on, Opie.

on, hi, Andy.

Hi, Paw. You should hear the story

Uncle Dan told me about thejail break,

Sure was exciting.

Uh-huh. Aunt Bee, you going to get Opie them shoes?

Oh, yes, I guess I'd better.

Come, Opie.

Good-bye, Mr. Caldwell.

OPIE: Bye, Uncle Dan.

l'll drive you, Aunt Bee,

Bye, Uncle Dan.

Care for a cigar, Sheriff?

No, thanks.

I can't afford it.

You do real well for yourself, don't you. . .

Uncle Dan?

You win a few, lose a few.

Got quite a knack.

I mean, the way you make friends so easy.

Oh, that's my business, Sheriff, making friends.

Seem to have made quite a few right here in Mayberry.

They're nice people, Sheriff.

I'd like to do something for them.

Sure you wouldn't like for 'em to do something for you?

Never know.

You never know.

Certainly is a fine-looking supper

you're fixing there for Mr. Caldwell.

Hmm? Oh, yes.

Really does look good.

Well, I heard he was leaving us tomorrow,

and, well, lthought I‘d fancy it up a bit.

Oh, you got all gussied up, too, didn’t you?

Well, I thought I‘d visit the Parsons a while later.

Uh-huh.

Well, what's wrong?

Oh, oh, nothing. Nothing.

Well, | always fix the prisoners meals,

and they seem to appreciate it.

Yeah, and-and Gentleman Dan's quite an appreciator, too.

Lady in Bowling Green, Kentucky

he appreciated right out of $8,000.

Another lady in Jacksonville, Florida.

Appreciated a lot of people.

Well, l have to hurry.

Good night, Opie.

Now, you get to bed, sure.

Well, Opie, I believe we got us time

for a Jack tale before you go to bed, okay?

Okay.

Let's see now...

Hey, did-did I ever tell you the one about

Jack and the princess that couldn't laugh?

Well, there was this king that lived a long time ago,

and he had this daughter that was

as pretty as a picture,

but she never could smile.

And so, the king, he...

Uh, don't you...

don‘t you want to hear that story, Opie?

Not ‘specially, Paw.

Well, is there, uh, is there another one

that you'd rather hear?

Yeah.

Which one?

Do you know the one about the Kansas City Million-Dollar Heist

or the Toledo Payroll Caper?

Are they, uh, are they stories

that Mr. Caldwell's been telling you?

Yeah. He sure tells exciting ones, Paw, about real people.

Uh-huh.

Well, maybe you'd better go on to bed,

Okay, Paw.

Opie.. .

Yes, Paw?

Now-now, you go right to sleep.

Don‘t be sitting up

looking at picture books, you hear?

lwon‘t, Paw.

Promise?

On my word as a gentleman,

(elegant music playing)

Ready for our gin rummy game, Mr, Caldwell?

0h, Barney, of course, oh.

Let me turn this off.

I'm looking forward to this game,

(chuckles)

It's going to be a little inconvenient

playing through these bars.

Yeah. How can we fix that?

lhavent the vaguest idea,

Say, we could play in your cell there.

I mean, if you promise not to say anything about it to, uh...

-Oh, I wouldn't... -Well, Andys funny about it.

You know, lwouldn't want him to, you know, anything...

Barney. Barney... On my word as a gentleman,

Can't ask for more than that.

It‘s going to be

a lot more convenient you know, playing in here.

Really is.

What the heck?

If friends can't play a game of cards...

You know, Barney, I want to thank you

for all these little conveniences.

Really made my stay here quite pleasant.

Oh, it's been a pleasure.

Oh, this is better, isn't it?

You know, I never thought

I'd say this to a police officer,

but I'm going to miss you.

Oh, well, thank you.., oops.

Careful, Barney,

Yeah.

There we go.

You know, Mr. Caldwell,

I want to warn you...

you better be on your toes.

I'm pretty slick when it comes to cards.

If you ever decide to give up police work,

l have some friends in Vegas

who can always use a good dealer.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'll remember that.

(chuckles)

Hey, I could use that.

Eh..,

Oops, clumsy of me.

You know, I‘m sorry to have

to tell you this, Mr. Caldwell,

but right off the bat

I'm afraid I got the winning hand.

I'm afraid not, Barney,

This is the winning hand.

You gave me your word.

Oh, I give my word a lot, Barney.

Over there.

Mr. Caldwell, why..,

What-what's going on here?

He's busting out.

You got a laundry truck waiting outside, Uncle Dan?

I'm sorry to inconvenience you, Aunt Bee,

but I'm afraid I'll have to ask you and Opie

to step inside the cell.

Mr. Caldwell, you can't be serious.

Dear lady, I'm afraid I am.

Well, the mighty Sheriff of Mayberry.

OPIE: You got herejust

in time for the fun, Paw.

Uncle Dan's gonna lock us up and everything.

Where'd you, uh, where‘d you get that gun?

Your deputy obliged me, Sheriff.

Come on out here, Barney.

I want to keep an eye on you.

ls, um. is—is-is that Barneys gun?

Don‘t worry.

I'll take good care of it.

That's Barney‘s gun?

Uh, Andy...

Well, Mr. Caldwell, that gun won't do you any good.

It won't?

No. It‘s no use to you, because...

Because, uh, you‘ll be picked up by the state troopers

in just a few minutes.

Not if we all act quickly,

Now if you'll cooperate

by stepping into the cell,

I'd appreciate it.

It sure was slicker than a firehouse pole

the way you took us all in, Mr. Caldwell.

Sheriff...

You‘re trying my patience, Sheriff.

(cocks trigger)

Opie!

You wouldn’t shoot my Paw.

Oh, don't worry, Opie.

Any other time he might. but right now he won't.

And do you know why?

'Cause that gun he‘s holding there

ain‘t got no bullets in it.

Sheriff, come on.

Well, pull the trigger.

BARNEY: No, Andy,

Don't. Don‘t. No...

(clicking)

Well, Mr. Caldwell, I'll just take Barney's gun.

Now, | ask you, Mr. Caldwell,

what good would a gun do you

that’s as empty as this one?

(gunshot)

Barney!

You see. you didn't know. but you thought that l,..

but I, see, l-l knew all the time it was...

(whimpering mutters)

You mean, you didn't in your,..?

You put it in the...?

I better sit down, too.

Hmm. Here's one we won‘t have to worry about no more,

Gentleman Dan Caldwell.

Yeah, boy.

Yeah, "swindler, embezzler,

confidence man, can be dangerous."

I sure have to admit, you was right about him.

I sure fell for his line.

Aw, I don't mind that so much.

He is a pretty smooth fella,

| tell you what I do mind, though,

What's that?

That he was able to take your gun off of you

without you even knowing it.

Well...

You-you, a trained law officer

letting a common crook take your gun.

Common crook, nothing!

You said yourself he was a pretty smooth teller.

Do you think anybody else but a shrewd character

like Gentleman Dan Caldwell could get away w'th it?

Do you think anybody else could be so quick

that when | just, just lean over to pick up a card,

that he—he could steal my gun?

No, siree. I'll never be a patsy again,

From now on I'll just keep my hand right on my,..

Stick 'em up, Patsy,

(whistling sprightly tune)