All language subtitles for The.Andy.Griffith.Show.S01E20.iNTERNAL.BDRip.x264-LiBRARiANS-en

(whistling sprightly tune)

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also sfam‘ng Don Knotrs.

Now, |'||-l'|| be back

on 1he 4:15 bus
this afternoon.

Yeah, yeah.

Say, Andy,
don‘t you think

we oughta have
a sign made

"Barney Fife,
Acting Sheriff?"

Well, now, I don‘t hardly see
how that'd be worthwhile,

seeing as how, by the time
it's ready, I'll be back,

0h.

Now, don't forget

to cover the school
crossing at 3:00.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, boy,

sure gives an acting sheriff
a good feeling

to have these
babies around.

Yeah.

Now, if you need me

you'll find me at the courthouse
in Centerville.

Yeah, sure.

Say, you know, Andy

| best break out
them tear gas bombs.

What for?

Well, what if there
should be a jailbreak?

Well, Imean...

Well, an acting sheriff
never can tell

what he might be
needing 'em for.

I better break 'em out.

Well, now, Barney,
in the first place,

in the whole history of Mayberry

they ain‘t never
been no need for 'em

and in the second place,
that one bomb

they give us four years ago
is a sample,

it's probably spoilt by now,
and in the third place

I can‘t even remember
where I hid it.

Oh, if you was to lose
the keys to the patrol car

there‘s a extra set
in the top drawer of my desk.

I guess I'll just have
to depend on that old riot gun,

It‘s broke.

Now don't forget to sweep up
out in the front.

Andy. will you stop
all that fussing?

A body didn't know
no better'd think

you wasn‘t easy in your mind
about leaving me in charge.

-He would?
-He sure would.

"Sweep up,"
"cover the school crossing,"

"don‘t lose the car keys."

Andy, gosh a—mighty,
it ain't as if

you was leaving some young,
inexperienced

whippersnapper in charge.

You're leaving
good ol‘ reliable Barney Fife.

Yeah.

Andy, are you
trying to tell me

you don't think I can keep
law and order in Mayberry

for eight measly
little old hours?

It is just eight measly
little old hours.

Barney, I want you to know

I got all the confidence
in the world in you.

Now them's the kind of potatoes

l was hoping I‘d hear
from you, Andy.

(horn honking outside)

I better hurry.

That bus gonna
leave without me.

Now, I promise you,
I won‘t let you down,

You just go right on
to Centerville

and do your testifyin' relaxed
and easy in your mind.

Okay.

Because you're
leaving this town

in the good right hand
of Barney F'rle.

Good. I'll
see you, Barney.

All right.

(door closes)

(horn honks)

Howdy, Barney.

Good to see
you back, Sheriff.

Good to be back.

Everything,
uh, all right?

Right as rain, Sheriff.

You didn‘t think I could
handle her, did you?

Come on, Andy.
now, tell the truth.

You really didn't think
Ioould do it, now, did you?

Now, did you?

(chuckles):
You doublin' son of a gun,

Well, now, Barney,
I got to admit there

for a minute
this morning

I did have my doubts.

Well, what do you
think novf?

Well, everything
looks mighty quiet.

See, I told you Barney Fife
wouldn‘t let you down.

I told you you were leaving
this town in good hands.

(chuckling):
Yeah.

-I must say...
—(people yelling)

Well, no wonder
it's quiet in town.

The whole population‘s
in here.

Yeahl Like I
promised you, Sheriff.

Law and orders been kept
in Mayberry this here day.

Well, it's been kept
more this here day

than all the other days
put together.

All right, now, just
quiet down. Now, quiet.

Now, be quiet.

Everybody just,
just quiet down,

Come on, come on,
quiet down back there.

Quiet! We know how to deal
w'th unruly prisoners.

(growling)

You got ‘em packed in there
like sardines in a can.

Well, you just swore me in
as acting sheriff,

not acting
Justice of the Peace.

So I couldn't
try them, could I?

No.

Well, I guess we better get
the can openers and let 'em out

50‘s the ones in the back
can start breathing again,

Now, now... when I let you out.
'rfyou wouldn't mind

just line up
in front of my desk over here

and I guess we can
just try you right now,

Hello, Harry.

Miss Mary, how are you?

Hello... hello, Judd.
how you doing?

How are you, sir?
Mayor-- Mayor?!

Oh, it's an outrage, sir,
that’s what it is-- an outrage!

(stammering)

How are you, Miss Johnson?
How are you?

He... Hello. Franklin,
how are things at the bank?

Hello, Charlie.

Hey, Nellie,
that's a nice dress.

Aunt... Aunt Bee?!

Oh, he showed no favoritism,

I'll say that for him.

But it's all I'll say for him.

Come along, Opie.

Op...?! You didn't arrest
Opie, too?

Well, I couldn‘t leave him
home alone, could I?

Come along, criminal.

How are you?

Glad...

I'm glad you all are...

Hi, Andy.

Hello, there, Chester.

Otis, how are you?

You‘re looking good.

What'd you do,
drop a net on the whole town?

Just about.

(people munnuring)

Clear the way,

Excuse me here.
Excuse me.

Well, we might as well
get on with it, Barney,

What's the
first case?

Judd Fletcher.

(citizens murrnuring)

All right. What's the charge?

Judd Fletcher,
Age: 74, Hair: gray

Eyes: blue...

I know how old he is
and I know his name

and I can see the color
of his hair and eyes,

Now, just read off
the charge, Barney.

Violation of Municipal
Code Number 721-8,

Disturbing the Peace.

Disturbing the peace?

Old Judd here?

He's tetched, Andy.

I ain't had the strength
to disturb the peace

nigh on to 30 years.

(everybody laughing)

Well, itdon't
take much strength

to throw a checkerboard
full of checkers

off the porch
of the Mayberry hotel

and call old Chester Jones
a two-faced cheating liar

at the top of his lungs,

Now, that's disturbing the
peace, for heaven's sakes.

Uh-huh. Judd, would
you mind hollering

"Two-faced, Cheating Liar'
at the top of your lungs?

(quietly): Chester Jones, you're
a two-faced cheating liar.

(everybody laughing)

Well, he did
willfully

and with malice atorethought

throw a checkerboard
full of checkers.

Could have blinded somebody,

Well. now, seeing as
how that‘s been going on

between Chester
and old Judd here

tor around 20 years

that's more a part
of the peace

than it is
disturbing the peace.

Case dismissed, Judd.
You can go on home.

Thank you, Andy.

And thank you.
too, Barney.

What for?

Well, considering
the kind of crime I done

tor not trying to get me hung.

(everybody laughing)

Next case.

Bee Taylor.

Aunt Bee, are you back there?

Come on through.

What's the
charge, Barney?

Bee Taylor. Age...

You say another word.
Barney Fife,

and you'll regret it.

What's the
charge, Barney?

Code Number 421:

Unlawful Assemblage
and Inching to Riot.

Aunt Bee?!

Yes, Aunt Bee.

(sighs)

ANDY:
All right. What happened?

l was standing
in front of the courthouse

chatting with
a group of ladies..,

BARNEY:
Now, that's unlawful

assemblage in my book.

Well...

And I asked them
real nice to move along,

But Aunt Bee kept
right on talking.

So I asked her again and
she said, "Stop interrupting."

And then one of the women
raised her umbrella to me.

Now, that's
inciting to riot,

(chuckling):
Well. ..

Well, now, Barney

it looks like to me
you could have overlooked it

seeing as how the women
always do congregate

in front of
the courthouse here

and talk to one another
and have been right on

and seeing as how
it was Aunt Bee...

Oh, overtook nothing,

He was too busy yelling,
"There'll be no favoritism

in Barney Fife's
Administration."

You gonna
fingerprint me, Barney?

Oh, don't joke, honey,

He's liable to send you
up to state prison.

Next case.

(clears his throat):
Mayor Pike,

Oh, uh, how are you, Mayor?

How am I?

What's the
charge, Barney?

Violation of Code
Number Four...

Come on, Barney,

What's the charge?

439: Vagrancy and Loitering.

Vagrancy and loitering?

The Mayor?

Uh, I don't know, Barney,
he looks pretty sober to me,

But you should've seen him
when l nabbed him, Andy.

I made a chalk line on the
street and told him to walk it.

You know what he said?

What?

'What line?"

| tell you, Andy

I got this one
dead to rights,

That's what he said—
"What line?"

That what
you said, Otis?

Yup.

Well, ljust
don't understand it.

Three hours ago

you couldn‘t see
a chalk line.

Now how you
explain that, Otis?

Well, now, maybe I didn't see
that there line

'cause I wasn't
wearing my specs,

Drunk or sober, I can‘t tell
very much without my glasses,

Well, were you drunk when
Deputy Fife arrested you?

I can‘t tell.

I wasn't wearing my glasses.

I'm afraid I'm going

to have to
dismiss it, Barney,

You can go, Otis,

Thanks, Andy.

(door closes)

Uh, Barney...

I had 'em, Andy.

I had ‘em all
dead to rights,

You can check
the manual.

Every one of 'em was
as guilty as sin.

Now-now, listen
to me, Barney.

Listen to me just a minute.

Now. it‘s true you had 'em all
dead to rights by the book,

But now, if you went
strictly by the book

why, I don't reckon we‘d
have anything in this country

but 180 million jailbirds.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess
you're right. I...

I guess I was just
trying to show you

how much you
could depend on me.

Well, now,
|-l-l know you were, Barney,

and I appreciate that,

but, well, | gue... I guess
you tried just a mite too hard,

Yeah.

Well, like they say,

"Once burnt is a lesson learnt."

Right.

One mistake, better cake.

Once bit, best fergit,

Oh! Getting thinner
all the time there.

See, I've got some tonic

that's guaranteed
to grow hair over your eyes,

I don't want hair
over my eyes.

I want it
over my head,

Well, that’s good.

That‘s very good.

Hi, tellers.

Well, if R ain't
old "Wild Bill'l Fife.

Duck, everybody!

(laughing)

Oh, come on, Mayor,
I don‘t think you ought

to call old Barney here
"Wild Bill."

Thank you, Pete.

He's much more like
that there Wyatt Earp fella,

(laughing and whooping)

FLOYD:
Oh, no, wait a minute...

Oh, now, come on, fellas, l...

Don't laugh.

No, it ain't
every deputy

that can smoke out
a desperate outlaw

like old Judd!

PETE:
Give you much of a fight, Wyatt?

He sure did.

He shot old Wyatt here
full of checkers!

(all laughing)

No, no, wait, just a minute.

You know, I don't think we ought

to be making tun
of old Barn here.

No, fact is, Mayberry don't
deserve a law officer like...

You know what? If we
was real good patriots

we'd get in touch
with the government

and offer them a trade:

Barney here
for J. Edgar Hoover,

(laughing hysterically)

That's the funniest thing
I ever heard!

(laughing continues)

Barney, Barney, quick,
you got to catch him!

-Who? -The fella
whatjust hit and run!

Hit and run? Where?!

Out to the baseball field!

(starts laughing)

(hearty laughter)

(door opens)

Oh, howdy, Barn,

Oh, now, Barney, are you still
fretting about that business?

Now, like you said,
"Onoe bit, best fergit."

Fergit? How's a feller
supposed to fergit

when the whole dang town‘s
laughing at him?

Oh, now, Barney, you'rejust
being extra sensitive.

They don't mean anything by it.

They're just having
a little spell of innocent fun.

Innocent fun? Well, maybe
it don't seem so innocent

when you're what
they're having the fun at,

Fergil, you say.

Well, hoWs a feller
supposed to fergit

when everybody in town‘s
reminding him of it

every minute of the day,

Oh, now, Barney...

(phone ringing)

Sheriffs office.

What? Where?

0h.

What was that?

Somebody wanted
Deputy Fife

to come over to
the post office.

There was a big fight
over there.

-A big fight?
-Yeah.

The postmasterjust licked

a bunch of stamps.

It‘s a joke, Andy.

Why ain't you laughing?

I am.

Morning, Barney.

Morning.

Barney. .

(sighs)

Uh...

(clears throat)

Barney, uh...

Are you all right?

Of course I'm all right.

Well, the reason I asked
is the way you're dressed.

Well, what's the matter
with the way I’m dressed?

Your tie is open and on crooked

your pants look like
they were slept in

by a fella that tossed
and turned all night.

How you explain that?

I slept in 'em

and tossed and turned all night.

Well, Barney, this
is just not like you.

Now, what do you got
to say to all this?

Oh, I know,
you're acting this way

because they laughed at you.

Well, you can make them
stop laughing at you.

Just stand up straight
and neat like you used to

and look them right in the
eye like you was saying,

"I'm Barney Fife,
Deputy Sheriff,

and I‘m as good a man as any."

Now, come on,
give her a try.

(listless):
I'm Barney Fife, Deputy Sheriff,

and I‘m as good a man as any.

You're Barney Fife,
Deputy Sheriff

and you're as good a man as any.
Try her again.

You're Barney Fife,
Deputy Sheriff

and you're as good a man as any.
Try her again.

Barney, you‘re
not trying at all.

ldeclare, ldon't...

(honks)

What did I do wrong, Sheriff?

Nothing, Hilda May.

l was just hoping
you might be able

to help me set
something right.

Me? How?

Well, like the fella says,

when in doubt,
have a little talk

with the girl the fella's
got a sweet tooth for.

Come on in
and set down.

It‘s Barney, Hilda May.

He‘s, uh, he‘s
feeling mighty low.

Oh, I know.

He needs building up.

He needs admiring real bad.

I know it, Sheriff.

I tried to do just that
last night.

You did?

Uh-huh.

We had a date.

I'd heard what he'd done

so i wasn't too surprised

when he came over
just dragging

and looking like
a sad old hound dog.

Well, knowing him as I do

I knew I had my work
out out for me.

Sheriff, I tell you,
I buttered that fella up

frontways, backways,
sideways and edgewise.

I drop/ed over the shape
of his nose.

I admired his suit.

And I oohed about the size
of his muscles.

And that isn't the half of it.

I told him how smart he was...

I acted how lucky I was...

and I sat bent over some
50's he'd feel taller.

I tell you, Sheriff,
that fella was so buttered up

if you tried to grab him, he'd
squoosh right out of your hand.

Yes, sir,
and it was beginning to work.

He was really perklng up.

And then I made my big mistake.

I started running my fingers
through his hair

and mussed it up.

He looked so silly
I couldnt help laughing.

He can't stand
to be laughed at.

Yeah, I know it, he's
gotten pretty sensitive.

| tell you the truth,

| just don‘t know
what to do

tor the poor fella
anymore.

Yeah.

It isn't right, Sheriff.

Folks are really
so fond of him.

Yeah, that‘s right, they are.

Sure, everybody
likes Barney.

That's what makes it so bad.

They don't realize
they're hurting him.

It‘s just a joke to them.

Uh-huh.

Well, now, that's
probably because

they/ve never
thought about it

quite that way before.

Oh, but that
will never do.

Huh.

Now, hold on there.

Hold on just
a dang seoond.

A-Are we playing checkers
or hide-and-goseek?

I'm playing checkers.

But I'll be danged

if I can figure out
what you’re playing.

Is that a fact?
Why, you old...!

Bub-bub-bub, you best mind your
language, Judd.

You go hollering names at me,

I got to holler
some back at you.

Next thing, this Shertock Holmes
deputy of Andy’s here

will be running us in
for disturbing the peace.

(both laughing)

Yeah, you, yeah, you...

You better hold your hollering
till tomorrow, Judd.

Maybe my new deputy

won‘t have such
sensitive airs.

New deputy?

Oh, of course, I can't
hardly keep on a deputy

that everybost
laughing at, can I?

Heh! Shertock Holmes Deputy...
that's a zinger, that is.

(laughing)

Whew!

(continues laughing)

(laughing and hooting)

| tell you the truth,
that deputy of mine

is good for more
comical wisecracks

than a barrelful of monkeys!

You‘re right, Andy,
that he is.

Yeah, when I think
of all the good jokes

we can get off on old Barney,

I'm almost sorry
I got to let him go.

(all stop laughing)

Yeah... How much
I owe you, Floyd?

You going to
fire him, Andy?

Well, of course.

Deputy‘s getting jokes
made about him,

why, that there fella's lost
the confidence of the people.

He ain't much use to a sheriff
anymore, is he?

What's the damage, Floyd?

Huh? Oh, it's
one dollar.

(chuckles):
There you are.

Desperate outlaw
like old Judd.

That's a humdinger, that'n is.

(laughing)

Whoo!

Well, naturally, Aunt Bee,

You don't expect me
to hold onto a deputy

that's the butt of all
them jokes, do you? Hmm!

That was a fine dinner.

Thank you, Aunt Bee.

Howdy, Barn.

Don‘t try
and stop me, Andy.

I thought it over

and there ain't
nothing else I can do.

But, Barney...

No, Andy, why should you
want a deputy sheriff

that ain't nothing but a joke.

Well, listen, Barn...

No, Andy, this is it.

There's one cap,
one badge...

one revolver...

one bullet...

one gun belt.

Andy Taylor, if you were
any kind of a sheriff

you'd know
that unlawful assemblage

is nothing to be sneezed at.

But luckily
for this town

we have a Deputy Sheriff
who knows his duty

and he does it—

and without showing favoritism.

Well, Aunt Bee,
|-|-|'d...

Sheriff...

Just because I'm old don't mean
I don’t know my rights!

But...

Now, don't you but me
no "buts", Sheriff.

74 or no, I can still disturb
the peace with the best of them.

Ain't that a fact, Deputy Fife?

Well, uh...

Barney, as the Mayor
of this fair c'ty,

I can only say
I thank goodness

we got a deputy sheriff

who does his duty
without fear

of offending people
in high places.

A man who sees his duty,
and does it.

A man who makes
it possible

for all of us to sleep
peacefully and safely

in our beds at night.

(all cheering)

I'm turning myself in,
old buddy-buddy.

All right, all right.
Let's move it along here.

Come on. Close it up!

Close it up here!

Let’s move it.
Come on, ladies.

Let's get in there.

What do you
say now? Come on!

Suck in that gut!

You get in there!

Yeah. That's it.

All right. Get in those cells
and stay there.

Now, let's have some quiet!

Let's have
some order!

This is a nice jail.

Let‘s keep it that way!

-We'll see you, Otis.
-So long, Andy.

You come back now.

Oh, I will.

Well, Barney, you ought
to feel pretty set up

having all those folks
come right out

and admit that you was right
and they was wrong.

I do, Andy.

Oh, not so much for
Barney Fife, the man

as for Bamey Fife,
the law and order fella.

I say you're either a guardian
of the law or you ain't.

Yeah. I tell you
the truth

I'm surprised
you didn't get to me, too.

Uh, well... it you want to get
technical about t...

Huh?

Well, you could be reprimanded

for being out of uniform.

I mean, no tie, collar open,

pants un—pressed,

not wearing a revolver
and gun belt,

sleeves rolled up,
your shoes...

(whistling sprightly tune)