Original subtitles

(whistling sprightly tune)

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also sfam‘ng Don Knotrs.

Now, |'||-l'|| be back

on 1he 4:15 bus this afternoon.

Yeah, yeah.

Say, Andy, don‘t you think

we oughta have a sign made

"Barney Fife, Acting Sheriff?"

Well, now, I don‘t hardly see how that'd be worthwhile,

seeing as how, by the time it's ready, I'll be back,

0h.

Now, don't forget

to cover the school crossing at 3:00.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, boy,

sure gives an acting sheriff a good feeling

to have these babies around.

Yeah.

Now, if you need me

you'll find me at the courthouse in Centerville.

Yeah, sure.

Say, you know, Andy

| best break out them tear gas bombs.

What for?

Well, what if there should be a jailbreak?

Well, Imean...

Well, an acting sheriff never can tell

what he might be needing 'em for.

I better break 'em out.

Well, now, Barney, in the first place,

in the whole history of Mayberry

they ain‘t never been no need for 'em

and in the second place, that one bomb

they give us four years ago is a sample,

it's probably spoilt by now, and in the third place

I can‘t even remember where I hid it.

Oh, if you was to lose the keys to the patrol car

there‘s a extra set in the top drawer of my desk.

I guess I'll just have to depend on that old riot gun,

It‘s broke.

Now don't forget to sweep up out in the front.

Andy. will you stop all that fussing?

A body didn't know no better'd think

you wasn‘t easy in your mind about leaving me in charge.

-He would? -He sure would.

"Sweep up," "cover the school crossing,"

"don‘t lose the car keys."

Andy, gosh a—mighty, it ain't as if

you was leaving some young, inexperienced

whippersnapper in charge.

You're leaving good ol‘ reliable Barney Fife.

Yeah.

Andy, are you trying to tell me

you don't think I can keep law and order in Mayberry

for eight measly little old hours?

It is just eight measly little old hours.

Barney, I want you to know

I got all the confidence in the world in you.

Now them's the kind of potatoes

l was hoping I‘d hear from you, Andy.

(horn honking outside)

I better hurry.

That bus gonna leave without me.

Now, I promise you, I won‘t let you down,

You just go right on to Centerville

and do your testifyin' relaxed and easy in your mind.

Okay.

Because you're leaving this town

in the good right hand of Barney F'rle.

Good. I'll see you, Barney.

All right.

(door closes)

(horn honks)

Howdy, Barney.

Good to see you back, Sheriff.

Good to be back.

Everything, uh, all right?

Right as rain, Sheriff.

You didn‘t think I could handle her, did you?

Come on, Andy. now, tell the truth.

You really didn't think Ioould do it, now, did you?

Now, did you?

(chuckles): You doublin' son of a gun,

Well, now, Barney, I got to admit there

for a minute this morning

I did have my doubts.

Well, what do you think novf?

Well, everything looks mighty quiet.

See, I told you Barney Fife wouldn‘t let you down.

I told you you were leaving this town in good hands.

(chuckling): Yeah.

-I must say... —(people yelling)

Well, no wonder it's quiet in town.

The whole population‘s in here.

Yeahl Like I promised you, Sheriff.

Law and orders been kept in Mayberry this here day.

Well, it's been kept more this here day

than all the other days put together.

All right, now, just quiet down. Now, quiet.

Now, be quiet.

Everybody just, just quiet down,

Come on, come on, quiet down back there.

Quiet! We know how to deal w'th unruly prisoners.

(growling)

You got ‘em packed in there like sardines in a can.

Well, you just swore me in as acting sheriff,

not acting Justice of the Peace.

So I couldn't try them, could I?

No.

Well, I guess we better get the can openers and let 'em out

50‘s the ones in the back can start breathing again,

Now, now... when I let you out. 'rfyou wouldn't mind

just line up in front of my desk over here

and I guess we can just try you right now,

Hello, Harry.

Miss Mary, how are you?

Hello... hello, Judd. how you doing?

How are you, sir? Mayor-- Mayor?!

Oh, it's an outrage, sir, that’s what it is-- an outrage!

(stammering)

How are you, Miss Johnson? How are you?

He... Hello. Franklin, how are things at the bank?

Hello, Charlie.

Hey, Nellie, that's a nice dress.

Aunt... Aunt Bee?!

Oh, he showed no favoritism,

I'll say that for him.

But it's all I'll say for him.

Come along, Opie.

Op...?! You didn't arrest Opie, too?

Well, I couldn‘t leave him home alone, could I?

Come along, criminal.

How are you?

Glad...

I'm glad you all are...

Hi, Andy.

Hello, there, Chester.

Otis, how are you?

You‘re looking good.

What'd you do, drop a net on the whole town?

Just about.

(people munnuring)

Clear the way,

Excuse me here. Excuse me.

Well, we might as well get on with it, Barney,

What's the first case?

Judd Fletcher.

(citizens murrnuring)

All right. What's the charge?

Judd Fletcher, Age: 74, Hair: gray

Eyes: blue...

I know how old he is and I know his name

and I can see the color of his hair and eyes,

Now, just read off the charge, Barney.

Violation of Municipal Code Number 721-8,

Disturbing the Peace.

Disturbing the peace?

Old Judd here?

He's tetched, Andy.

I ain't had the strength to disturb the peace

nigh on to 30 years.

(everybody laughing)

Well, itdon't take much strength

to throw a checkerboard full of checkers

off the porch of the Mayberry hotel

and call old Chester Jones a two-faced cheating liar

at the top of his lungs,

Now, that's disturbing the peace, for heaven's sakes.

Uh-huh. Judd, would you mind hollering

"Two-faced, Cheating Liar' at the top of your lungs?

(quietly): Chester Jones, you're a two-faced cheating liar.

(everybody laughing)

Well, he did willfully

and with malice atorethought

throw a checkerboard full of checkers.

Could have blinded somebody,

Well. now, seeing as how that‘s been going on

between Chester and old Judd here

tor around 20 years

that's more a part of the peace

than it is disturbing the peace.

Case dismissed, Judd. You can go on home.

Thank you, Andy.

And thank you. too, Barney.

What for?

Well, considering the kind of crime I done

tor not trying to get me hung.

(everybody laughing)

Next case.

Bee Taylor.

Aunt Bee, are you back there?

Come on through.

What's the charge, Barney?

Bee Taylor. Age...

You say another word. Barney Fife,

and you'll regret it.

What's the charge, Barney?

Code Number 421:

Unlawful Assemblage and Inching to Riot.

Aunt Bee?!

Yes, Aunt Bee.

(sighs)

ANDY: All right. What happened?

l was standing in front of the courthouse

chatting with a group of ladies..,

BARNEY: Now, that's unlawful

assemblage in my book.

Well...

And I asked them real nice to move along,

But Aunt Bee kept right on talking.

So I asked her again and she said, "Stop interrupting."

And then one of the women raised her umbrella to me.

Now, that's inciting to riot,

(chuckling): Well. ..

Well, now, Barney

it looks like to me you could have overlooked it

seeing as how the women always do congregate

in front of the courthouse here

and talk to one another and have been right on

and seeing as how it was Aunt Bee...

Oh, overtook nothing,

He was too busy yelling, "There'll be no favoritism

in Barney Fife's Administration."

You gonna fingerprint me, Barney?

Oh, don't joke, honey,

He's liable to send you up to state prison.

Next case.

(clears his throat): Mayor Pike,

Oh, uh, how are you, Mayor?

How am I?

What's the charge, Barney?

Violation of Code Number Four...

Come on, Barney,

What's the charge?

439: Vagrancy and Loitering.

Vagrancy and loitering?

The Mayor?

Uh, I don't know, Barney, he looks pretty sober to me,

But you should've seen him when l nabbed him, Andy.

I made a chalk line on the street and told him to walk it.

You know what he said?

What?

'What line?"

| tell you, Andy

I got this one dead to rights,

That's what he said— "What line?"

That what you said, Otis?

Yup.

Well, ljust don't understand it.

Three hours ago

you couldn‘t see a chalk line.

Now how you explain that, Otis?

Well, now, maybe I didn't see that there line

'cause I wasn't wearing my specs,

Drunk or sober, I can‘t tell very much without my glasses,

Well, were you drunk when Deputy Fife arrested you?

I can‘t tell.

I wasn't wearing my glasses.

I'm afraid I'm going

to have to dismiss it, Barney,

You can go, Otis,

Thanks, Andy.

(door closes)

Uh, Barney...

I had 'em, Andy.

I had ‘em all dead to rights,

You can check the manual.

Every one of 'em was as guilty as sin.

Now-now, listen to me, Barney.

Listen to me just a minute.

Now. it‘s true you had 'em all dead to rights by the book,

But now, if you went strictly by the book

why, I don't reckon we‘d have anything in this country

but 180 million jailbirds.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess you're right. I...

I guess I was just trying to show you

how much you could depend on me.

Well, now, |-l-l know you were, Barney,

and I appreciate that,

but, well, | gue... I guess you tried just a mite too hard,

Yeah.

Well, like they say,

"Once burnt is a lesson learnt."

Right.

One mistake, better cake.

Once bit, best fergit,

Oh! Getting thinner all the time there.

See, I've got some tonic

that's guaranteed to grow hair over your eyes,

I don't want hair over my eyes.

I want it over my head,

Well, that’s good.

That‘s very good.

Hi, tellers.

Well, if R ain't old "Wild Bill'l Fife.

Duck, everybody!

(laughing)

Oh, come on, Mayor, I don‘t think you ought

to call old Barney here "Wild Bill."

Thank you, Pete.

He's much more like that there Wyatt Earp fella,

(laughing and whooping)

FLOYD: Oh, no, wait a minute...

Oh, now, come on, fellas, l...

Don't laugh.

No, it ain't every deputy

that can smoke out a desperate outlaw

like old Judd!

PETE: Give you much of a fight, Wyatt?

He sure did.

He shot old Wyatt here full of checkers!

(all laughing)

No, no, wait, just a minute.

You know, I don't think we ought

to be making tun of old Barn here.

No, fact is, Mayberry don't deserve a law officer like...

You know what? If we was real good patriots

we'd get in touch with the government

and offer them a trade:

Barney here for J. Edgar Hoover,

(laughing hysterically)

That's the funniest thing I ever heard!

(laughing continues)

Barney, Barney, quick, you got to catch him!

-Who? -The fella whatjust hit and run!

Hit and run? Where?!

Out to the baseball field!

(starts laughing)

(hearty laughter)

(door opens)

Oh, howdy, Barn,

Oh, now, Barney, are you still fretting about that business?

Now, like you said, "Onoe bit, best fergit."

Fergit? How's a feller supposed to fergit

when the whole dang town‘s laughing at him?

Oh, now, Barney, you'rejust being extra sensitive.

They don't mean anything by it.

They're just having a little spell of innocent fun.

Innocent fun? Well, maybe it don't seem so innocent

when you're what they're having the fun at,

Fergil, you say.

Well, hoWs a feller supposed to fergit

when everybody in town‘s reminding him of it

every minute of the day,

Oh, now, Barney...

(phone ringing)

Sheriffs office.

What? Where?

0h.

What was that?

Somebody wanted Deputy Fife

to come over to the post office.

There was a big fight over there.

-A big fight? -Yeah.

The postmasterjust licked

a bunch of stamps.

It‘s a joke, Andy.

Why ain't you laughing?

I am.

Morning, Barney.

Morning.

Barney. .

(sighs)

Uh...

(clears throat)

Barney, uh...

Are you all right?

Of course I'm all right.

Well, the reason I asked is the way you're dressed.

Well, what's the matter with the way I’m dressed?

Your tie is open and on crooked

your pants look like they were slept in

by a fella that tossed and turned all night.

How you explain that?

I slept in 'em

and tossed and turned all night.

Well, Barney, this is just not like you.

Now, what do you got to say to all this?

Oh, I know, you're acting this way

because they laughed at you.

Well, you can make them stop laughing at you.

Just stand up straight and neat like you used to

and look them right in the eye like you was saying,

"I'm Barney Fife, Deputy Sheriff,

and I‘m as good a man as any."

Now, come on, give her a try.

(listless): I'm Barney Fife, Deputy Sheriff,

and I‘m as good a man as any.

You're Barney Fife, Deputy Sheriff

and you're as good a man as any. Try her again.

You're Barney Fife, Deputy Sheriff

and you're as good a man as any. Try her again.

Barney, you‘re not trying at all.

ldeclare, ldon't...

(honks)

What did I do wrong, Sheriff?

Nothing, Hilda May.

l was just hoping you might be able

to help me set something right.

Me? How?

Well, like the fella says,

when in doubt, have a little talk

with the girl the fella's got a sweet tooth for.

Come on in and set down.

It‘s Barney, Hilda May.

He‘s, uh, he‘s feeling mighty low.

Oh, I know.

He needs building up.

He needs admiring real bad.

I know it, Sheriff.

I tried to do just that last night.

You did?

Uh-huh.

We had a date.

I'd heard what he'd done

so i wasn't too surprised

when he came over just dragging

and looking like a sad old hound dog.

Well, knowing him as I do

I knew I had my work out out for me.

Sheriff, I tell you, I buttered that fella up

frontways, backways, sideways and edgewise.

I drop/ed over the shape of his nose.

I admired his suit.

And I oohed about the size of his muscles.

And that isn't the half of it.

I told him how smart he was...

I acted how lucky I was...

and I sat bent over some 50's he'd feel taller.

I tell you, Sheriff, that fella was so buttered up

if you tried to grab him, he'd squoosh right out of your hand.

Yes, sir, and it was beginning to work.

He was really perklng up.

And then I made my big mistake.

I started running my fingers through his hair

and mussed it up.

He looked so silly I couldnt help laughing.

He can't stand to be laughed at.

Yeah, I know it, he's gotten pretty sensitive.

| tell you the truth,

| just don‘t know what to do

tor the poor fella anymore.

Yeah.

It isn't right, Sheriff.

Folks are really so fond of him.

Yeah, that‘s right, they are.

Sure, everybody likes Barney.

That's what makes it so bad.

They don't realize they're hurting him.

It‘s just a joke to them.

Uh-huh.

Well, now, that's probably because

they/ve never thought about it

quite that way before.

Oh, but that will never do.

Huh.

Now, hold on there.

Hold on just a dang seoond.

A-Are we playing checkers or hide-and-goseek?

I'm playing checkers.

But I'll be danged

if I can figure out what you’re playing.

Is that a fact? Why, you old...!

Bub-bub-bub, you best mind your language, Judd.

You go hollering names at me,

I got to holler some back at you.

Next thing, this Shertock Holmes deputy of Andy’s here

will be running us in for disturbing the peace.

(both laughing)

Yeah, you, yeah, you...

You better hold your hollering till tomorrow, Judd.

Maybe my new deputy

won‘t have such sensitive airs.

New deputy?

Oh, of course, I can't hardly keep on a deputy

that everybost laughing at, can I?

Heh! Shertock Holmes Deputy... that's a zinger, that is.

(laughing)

Whew!

(continues laughing)

(laughing and hooting)

| tell you the truth, that deputy of mine

is good for more comical wisecracks

than a barrelful of monkeys!

You‘re right, Andy, that he is.

Yeah, when I think of all the good jokes

we can get off on old Barney,

I'm almost sorry I got to let him go.

(all stop laughing)

Yeah... How much I owe you, Floyd?

You going to fire him, Andy?

Well, of course.

Deputy‘s getting jokes made about him,

why, that there fella's lost the confidence of the people.

He ain't much use to a sheriff anymore, is he?

What's the damage, Floyd?

Huh? Oh, it's one dollar.

(chuckles): There you are.

Desperate outlaw like old Judd.

That's a humdinger, that'n is.

(laughing)

Whoo!

Well, naturally, Aunt Bee,

You don't expect me to hold onto a deputy

that's the butt of all them jokes, do you? Hmm!

That was a fine dinner.

Thank you, Aunt Bee.

Howdy, Barn.

Don‘t try and stop me, Andy.

I thought it over

and there ain't nothing else I can do.

But, Barney...

No, Andy, why should you want a deputy sheriff

that ain't nothing but a joke.

Well, listen, Barn...

No, Andy, this is it.

There's one cap, one badge...

one revolver...

one bullet...

one gun belt.

Andy Taylor, if you were any kind of a sheriff

you'd know that unlawful assemblage

is nothing to be sneezed at.

But luckily for this town

we have a Deputy Sheriff who knows his duty

and he does it—

and without showing favoritism.

Well, Aunt Bee, |-|-|'d...

Sheriff...

Just because I'm old don't mean I don’t know my rights!

But...

Now, don't you but me no "buts", Sheriff.

74 or no, I can still disturb the peace with the best of them.

Ain't that a fact, Deputy Fife?

Well, uh...

Barney, as the Mayor of this fair c'ty,

I can only say I thank goodness

we got a deputy sheriff

who does his duty without fear

of offending people in high places.

A man who sees his duty, and does it.

A man who makes it possible

for all of us to sleep peacefully and safely

in our beds at night.

(all cheering)

I'm turning myself in, old buddy-buddy.

All right, all right. Let's move it along here.

Come on. Close it up!

Close it up here!

Let’s move it. Come on, ladies.

Let's get in there.

What do you say now? Come on!

Suck in that gut!

You get in there!

Yeah. That's it.

All right. Get in those cells and stay there.

Now, let's have some quiet!

Let's have some order!

This is a nice jail.

Let‘s keep it that way!

-We'll see you, Otis. -So long, Andy.

You come back now.

Oh, I will.

Well, Barney, you ought to feel pretty set up

having all those folks come right out

and admit that you was right and they was wrong.

I do, Andy.

Oh, not so much for Barney Fife, the man

as for Bamey Fife, the law and order fella.

I say you're either a guardian of the law or you ain't.

Yeah. I tell you the truth

I'm surprised you didn't get to me, too.

Uh, well... it you want to get technical about t...

Huh?

Well, you could be reprimanded

for being out of uniform.

I mean, no tie, collar open,

pants un—pressed,

not wearing a revolver and gun belt,

sleeves rolled up, your shoes...

(whistling sprightly tune)