Original subtitles

(whistling sprightly tune)

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also sfam‘ng Don Knotrs.

J‘ Goin‘ down Cripple Creek 90 on and run I

J‘ Goin‘ down Cripple Creek to have a little fun J‘

I Roll my br'rlches to my knees... I

Oh, howdy, Barney,

| see you got your paycheck this month,

Yeah, I got it.

Is something wrong with it?

Yes, lhere‘s somelhing wrong with it‘

Well, what?

This check‘s made out to Barney Fife

ll oughla be made out to Barney Sucker

What?

Look at all these deductions and this tax.

There's nothing Iefl. for heaven sakes.

Barney Sucker, that's who it oughta be made out to,

Yeah, that's me, Barney Sucker,

It‘s open season on Barney.

Come on, everybody, let's all take a bite out of Barney Fife.

-Now, come on. —Good at Barney,

He makes it, he‘s got it, let's take it.

Now. Barney, you just simmer down,

Now, they're all legitimate government deductions.

Besides, you know what they say.

Can't take itwith you.

Take it with me?

They keep nibblin' at me like this

I'll be lucky if I get to go myself.

The only thing to do, I guess

is invest my money in some good stock,

You know. something that zooms overnig ht.

Happens, you know.

Oil stocks and uranium.

Uh, you better watch this investin' business.

Woods are full of con men.

You‘d be just ripe tor the pluckin', too.

Me? Ha, ha.

Not likely. Not old eagleeye Barney,

No?

Well, now, | tell you

if you're really considerin' investin'

why don’t you try coin oollectin'?

Coin collectin'?

For investing?

Well sure.

It‘s a good hobby, and you can’t never tell

when you'll run across a rare old coin.

Might bring you a whole lot of money.

A coin?

Cut it out.

Well, sure.

Look here, look right here.

Here. Yeah.

See that nickel right there?

Yeah.

Now, I paid ten dollars for that nickel.

Month later, fellow offered me 50 for it.

Wouldn‘t surprise me a bit if I was to advertise it,

I'd get, oh, a couple hundred dollars.

For a nickel?

Yeah.

How come?

Well, they made a mistake at the Mint.

Look rig ht here. See that buffalo right there?

Yeah?

Facing the wrong way.

I'll be darned.

Facing the wrong way, huh?

Yeah.

Huh. And that makes it valuable?

Yup.

Yeah, I don‘t expect

there's more than two or three

in the whole country.

No foolin'?

Mm-hmm,

And it keeps increasin' in value?

Yeah, the fewer there are on the market, yeah.

You say there's only two?

Oh, two or three at the most.

Mm“,

ahem, uh...

you wouldn‘t want to sell it, would you?

Hmm?

You know of somebody wants to buy it?

Well, I might buy it.

You might?

Hmm,

I couldn‘t give you no $200, but...

might go $50.

(chuckles)

$75?

3575's a deal?

Well, all right.

Thank you, Andy.

-Yeah. -How about that?

Let mejust compare this with a regular nickel.

Let‘s see there.

Hey, Andy, the buffalo on this nickel's facin' the same way!

0h, let me see that rare nickel.

Now, now, now, which ways the buffalo facing

on your regular nickel?

That way.

Well, you see, the buffalo on this rare nickel's

lacing that way,

Yeah. See?

See there?

Yeah, yeah.

I'll be darned.

Yeah.

Hey, now mine's facing the same way,

Darn you, Andy!

Well, Barney, l, lwas just trying to show you

how easy 't'd be for you to get taken,

Well, Ididn’t think I was going to get taken

by my own friend for heaven sakes.

Well, I’m sorry. Let's just forget it.

Hi, Andy. Hi, Barney.

ANDY: Oh, hi, Ellie.

This is Mr. Maxwell from New York.

Mr. Maxwell, this is our sheriff, Andy Taylor

and his deputy, Barney Fife.

0h.

How do you do, sir?

-How are you? -Howdy.

Hello, Deputy.

You a salesman, are you?

Oh, no, no, this isn't a sample case.

This is a portable tape recorder.

Mr. Maxwell makes recordings of folk songs all over the world,

He might want to do an album

with some of the people around here.

Oh, well, | 'spect that'd tickle everybody, don't you, Barney?

As a matter of fact, I stopped in the drugstore to get a bite

to eat, and I got to talking to Miss Walker,

and she said that possibly you could steer me

to some of the talent around here.

Oh, I wouldn't be surprised.

Say, this the first time

I ever seen one of these doohickeys in the flesh.

How do they work?

Well, let me give you a demonstration.

Sheriff, have you got an outlet around here?

Yeah, good place, right over here,

Well, here's the microphone.

All we have to do is plug it in.

Got a mike and everything.

-Turn it on. -Huh.

Now, here, Deputy, you hold that in your hand,

Now...

(machine starts up)

Now, go ahead, say something

right into the mike.

Go ahead, Barney, say something.

Ahem.

(clearing his throat)

(coughing)

(awkward ly): Uh, t-testing, one, two, hello?

Uh, say something official.

Something you say every day as a deputy sheriff.

Oh, oh, yeah, that,

Of course.

Uh, ahem, uh...

Mayberry unit number one.

Uh, ahem, to all units.

Uh, roger and o-over.

Over and, uh, and, over and under.

Uh, four-ten, ten-fou...

Uh, bye.

Well, that's good enough.

Well, that thing sure takes

the gumption out of you, though.

Now, let‘s see how you sound.

(high-pitched rewinding)

That's me?

No, that's the rewinding of the tape.

Best not to play it too loud.

You'll round up every hog in the county.

Now, let's press this button here

and listen to Barney’s remarks.

Uh, all units, uh, roger and...

and over, over and, uh, over and under.

Uh...

Well, Deputy, you just got a case

of mike fright.

It happens to a lot of people.

Well, lain’t much of a talker.

In my business, this baby does my talkin' for me.

Why don't you sing a song for Mr. Maxwell

and hear how it comes out on tape?

Oh, no, I'm liable to come out

all "uhs" like Barney.

You might as well, Sheriff,

because if I make an album and it sells

anybody who records for me

will get the standard percentage fee,

Yeah?

Uh, Mr. Maxwell, I don't reckon you'd be interested

in a small local band,

bunch of young fellas and myself.

Got a banjer and guitars

and mandolins, such as that in it?

Oh, itsounds great.

Oh, well, good, good.

I'll just, I‘ll just get on the phone

and call the boys up

and we‘ll meet you over here

at Floyd's Barbershop.

Barbershop?

Yeah, we play in there

for Floyd a whole lot.

He's the barber.

We call it "Music to Snip By."

Say, uh, Mr. Maxwell

l, lthink I'm over my mike fright now,

You got enough tape left there

for a little "Que Sera, Sera. Whatever Vlfill Be, Will Be?"

(plays harmonica)

Turn it on.

I'm ready any time you are, SherEf.

Okay, now, I've been a-braggin‘

on us a whole lot,

so let’s do it good for Mr. Maxwell.

All right?

(playing bluegrass music)

I Used to have a old banjo J'

I It was all strung up with twine J‘

I And the only song you could hear me sing I

I Was "I Wish That Gal Was Mine" J‘

J' Whoa, mule, you kickin' mule J‘

J' Whoa, mule, I say I

J‘ I ain‘t got time to kiss you now, my mule's a-run away I

J‘ Took my wife to the barnyard J'

I And I set her down to supper J‘

J‘ She got choked on a turkey leg I

I And stuck her nose in the butter J‘

J' Whoa, mule, you kickin' mule J‘

J' Whoa, mule, I say I

J‘ I ain‘t got time to kiss you now, my mule's a-run away I

J‘ Face is like a coffee pot, your nose is like a spout J'

J' Your mouth is like a fireplace J‘

I With all the ashes out I

J' Whoa, mule, you kickin' mule J‘

J' Whoa, mule, I say I

J‘ I ain‘t got time to kiss you now, my mule's a-run away I

J' Whoa, mule, you kickin' mule J‘

J' Whoa, mule, I say I

J‘ I ain‘t got time to kiss you now, my mule's a-run away I

J' Whoa, mule, you kickin' mule J‘

J' Whoa, mule, I say I

J‘ I ain‘t got time to kiss you now, my mule's a-run away“, I

(song changes)

J' What'cha gonna do when the well runs dry, honejfl I

J' What'cha gonna do when the well runs dry, babe? J‘

J' What'cha gonna do when the well runs dry? I

I Set on the bank, cry, cry. cry I

J' Honey, baby mine, I

Oh, lthought that was extra good.

Oh, Andy, you and the boys sounded wonderful.

Didn't they, Mr. Maxwell?

If the rest of the folks around here

sound as good as you, I've got it made.

Say, Mr. Maxwell, any time you're ready

for a little "Que Sera, Sera," just speak up.

Oh, yes, Deputy, thanks. I will.

Well, lgot a little sheriffin' to do.

I'll get on back to the office.

Now, now, you call on the other folks I told you about.

Thank you, Sheriff.

And thank you, Miss Walker.

Oh. well you're so welcome.

Bye-bye, boys.

We'll see you.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Maxwell.

FLOYD: Very nice, boys.

Never better.

Well, that's quite a cooperative sheriff

you've got there.

Yeah, he is.

Say, uh, tell me, Mr. Maxwell.

This folk music album you're putting together

is it really worth all the fuss and bother?

Well, I think it is.

After expenses, I hope to make 25 cents an album.

25 Cents!

Sound like chicken feed to me.

Well, it's hardly chicken feed.

Do you know that if an album like this goes over

it can sell over 100,000 copies?

That’s $25,000 dollars profit right there,

No, this has good possibilities.

$25,000?

Well, suppose it sold more than that?

Suppose it sold, uh. a million copies?

Yeah, a million... we're talking about, what's it?

25 cents, a hundred thou...

He said, a, a hundred. Wait a minute.

Well, that‘s a quarter of a million dollars.

You‘re making all that money off our folk songs?

What do we get out of it?

Well, the performers get

the standard rate of royalty.

Three cents a record.

What about us that can't sing

or play an instrument or anything like that?

Folk songs belong to us just the same as the others,

Isn't that right, boys?

Well, yeah, it's only fair.

Now, wait a minute.

I'm investing my own money in this venture.

Well, then, let us invest some money.

You mean, you want to buy stock

in the enterprise?

ALL: Right, yeah, yeah.

Oh, no, no. lwouldn't want you to risk your money.

Besides, I hadn't planned on issuing any stock.

Well, plan on it, plan on it.

You can't hog a whole million dollars just to yourself.

Yeah, I've been looking for a good investment.

Y' me, too.

And so have I.

Gentlemen, are you sure?

ALL: Yeah!

(all talking at once)

(whistling)

Mm-hmm,

Market was a little bullish yesterday.

(stops whistling)

lndustrials up,

utilities moved ahead in quiet trading,

Chemicals held firm.

Mm-hmm,

What'cha readin', Barney?

Oh, the stock market.

Now I bought into one stock

I might as well buy into another.

What?

Well, the financial page calls that "diversifyin"!

So, Barney Fife's gonna diversify.

'Course, I don't suppose you'd know

a whole lot about that, would ya?

Want me to explain it to ya?

(clears throat)

See, when you diversify, why, you. . .

Barney, maybe you’d better explain

something else first.

Did, uh, did I hear you say

you bought some stock?

That's right.

You thinkin' of comin' in?

If you ain't a plunger

you better stay out of it, boy,

You'll get killed.

Wh-what was it you invested in?

It wasn‘t coin collectin', I'll tell ya that.

All right, now, what was it?

| sunk it in the record business.

You sunk it in the record business?

Mm-hmm,

How much did you sink?

40 bucks.

It ought to turn over a profit right quick,

When it does, I diversify.

Now, when you diversify. ..

Barney, Barney, Barney...

where‘d you buy this stock?

I bought into Mr. Maxwell‘s folk song album.

I didn't know that Mr. Maxwell

was sellin‘ any stock.

Well, he wasn't goin' to

but me and the boys over at the barbershop,

we talked him into it.

You talked him into it?

Yeah.

See, when Maxwell admitted that he could make

as much as a million dollars on the album

me and the boys, we shamed him into lettin’ us buy in.

Tried to talk his way out of it

but we cornered him good.

Barney, you know you just fell

for the oldest slicker game in the wottd, don't ya?

You don‘t see it, do ya?

Well, it's like they say.

Stock market's where you separate

the men from the boys.

I'll see ya, boy.

Let me know next time you come across

one of them rare nickels

with the buffalo facin' the wrong way.

I should have sold him that nickel.

Then at least had own somethin' worth a nickel.

I don't see anything wrong with people investing in his album.

If he sells it to a big record company,

we all stand to make a profit.

'We all stand"?

Ellie you, uh, you didn't, uh...

Well, yes I did.

Aw, come on now.

Don't tell me you fell for that con game of his, too.

Are you implying Mr. Maxwell is dishonest?

I'm not implying anything.

| just say when you see a weasel‘s tracks,

lockup your hens.

Mr. Maxwell is no weasel.

He sounded perfectly sinoere to me

when he first walked in here

and I still happen to believe him.

Well, you make itsound as 'rfl'm stupid and gullible.

Oh, no, Ellie, hey.

Ain't no reason for you to get your pin feathers nrffled.

Uh, don‘t I... don't I get a little whipped cream?

Golly.

Now, now, now, now take it easy.

| just want to eat it. I don't want to climb it.

You oughta be ashamed of yourself, Andy,

starting suspicious rumors about Mr. Maxwell.

Well, I'm just doing myjob,

protecting the folks here in Mayberry.

That's my duty as sheriff, you know.

You wouldn‘t be a little bit jealous of him, would you?

Jealous?

Well, why would I be jealous?

Hi Paw. Hi Miss Ellie.

Oh, hi 0p.

Hi, honey.

-Ellie. .. —Looks good, Paw.

Well, fine. Hop up and have some.

Now, now look, Ellie.

I did n‘t come in here to start a fight.

I suppose you think I’m in cahoots with Mr. Maxwell.

Is that what you think?

Idon't think any such thing.

What are you two spattin' about?

Nothing. Eat your sundae.

Now, tell him Andy.

Tell him how suspicious you are.

How you don't trust anybody.

I trust people. She just won't listen to reason.

I'll listen to reason, but your father

-can't give me a single good one. -Of course I can.

I'm just trying to tell her to be careful of a stranger.

The stranger happens to be a perfectly trustworthy man.

But she don't knowthat.

Well, l have no reason to mistrust him.

Well, she's got no reason to trust him...

I happen to know an honest face when | see one.

How‘d you get into this?

I don't know.

| just came in to have some of your sundae

(playing bluegrass music)

(lwangy bluegrass)

(playing bluegrass)

(music ends)

(clicks switch)

Oh, that was wonderful, boys, just wonderful.

Uh, they’re great, Sheriff.

I'm glad you like ’em.

It's just the music I was looking for, authentic.

And I've got you to thank for it, Sheriff.

Uh, yeah.

We appreciate you lettin‘ us

play for you. Mr. Maxwell.

Well, thank you.

We appreciate you lettin' us

buy stock in your recording company, too.

Well, let's hope it works well for all of us.

Well, thanks again, boys.

That'll be all for tonight.

See ya, boys.

Night, Andy.

Good night, now.

You, uh, figure these tapes

gonna really amount to somethin', do ya?

I certainly hope so.

You know, right now the market for folk music

is at its height.

And l have high hopes that this project

is really gonna take me places.

0h.

Say, Sheriff,

almost everyone around here has

insisted on becoming a partner.

Don’t you want to come in, too?

Oh, no, no, no.

I guess I‘m just not a plunger.

0h.

l was pushin' him pretty hard last night

when I got him to admit that

he's gonna round up everythin‘ he can get here

and then it's bye-bye Mayberry

and bye-bye your money, too.

Oh, that don't make sense, Andy.

Why should he let on to you, the sheriff

that he was intendin' to skip town

with our money? Huh? Whjfl

ALL: Yeah, why? Why?

He-he—he didn't exactly let on to anything.

It's just I can see through

all that fake honesty.

He even tried to sell me some stock.

But I turned him down fiat.

If you're that suspicious of this fella,

why don't we call him

and have ourselves a little talk with him?

That's a good idea, Floyd.

Excuse me.

Hello, Sarah?

This is official.

Get me the hotel right away.

(quietly): Barney Fife.

We'll soon see

just how much grounds you have

for suspectin' him, Andy.

If you ask me, with you I think

it's just a case of sour grapes.

Yeah, he-hello, Jason?

Ring me Mr. Maxwell‘s room right away.

(quietly): Barney Fife.

Just plain sour grapes, that's all it is.

We're all in this thing

but you ain't, so you just...

Wh-What?

What‘d you say, Jason?

0h.

What is it, Barnejfl

Mr. Maxwell checked out this morning.

(gasps): He skipped!

What?

MAN: We been took.

Another buffalo pointin' the wrong way.

All right, Sergeant.

If you was to spot him,

I'd appreciate you lettin' me know.

All right. Yes, sir.

Well, he's not in Raleigh.

Now, now where in the wortd

could Maxwell have disappeared to

in six hours?

(all yelling)

All right Quiet! Quiet down, everybody!

Now this is law man's work.

We'll get him.

We'll put out an all points bulletin.

We'll set up roadblocks everywhere.

I'll get him. I'll track him down

if it takes forever.

And then I'm gonna bring him in alive, Andy.

Because this boy‘s mine.

(all talking angrily)

(men yelling)

Well, I hope you‘re satisfied, Sheriff.

You've incited this entire town

against Mr. Maxwell.

Well, he did the incitin' when he left.

But you still don‘t know that he's done anything wrong.

Anything wrong?

He stole $40 of mine.

Oh, stop it.

He didn‘t steal anything.

You gave it to him to invest.

He took off with our money.

-He skipped town. -He stole it!

But how do you know he won't be back?

We're wastin' time talkin'.

Sheriff, let's get on with it.

(men yelling)

If we didn't we'd have stayed in the barber shop!

Hold-Hold on, hold on.

Now, I knew there was something phony

about the fella to start with,

but you was all so anxious to throw your money away

you wouldn't listen to anybody.

Now let‘s just quiet down

and see if we can't handle this

in an orderly way.

We want our money back!

(all yelling)

We'll get him.

(sighs)

Miss Walker.

Mr. Maxwell...

why, I heard you've left town.

I did. I went to Richmond.

But I'm back with good news.

Here. Look at this.

I sold the album to National Records.

That‘s the signed contract.

And here's the little something that goes with it.

A certified check for... $5,000?

That’s just the advance payment.

This is wonderful. Just wonderful!

Isn't it?

No, I mean it‘s more wonderful than you know.

Wouldn‘t you like to report this

to your stockholders?

I know where they happen to be right now.

Oh, good.

Say, can you imagine the look on their faces?

Yes, loan just imagine. Come on.

Now, he could have taken

this road right here

to get up to the state highway

But you're talkin' about cars!

You keep thinking he‘s driving out of here.

All right, now come on.

You fellas are interferin'

with police operations.

Now get.

Go on, get outta here

let us do some work.

Go on.

lnterferin' with police oper...

(gaSPS)

What's the matter with you, Floyd?

It‘s him, Maxwell.

-Maxwell? >What?

He's comin‘ this way.

Well, the killer returns

to the scene of the crime, huh?

Yeah, this ought to be interesting.

Everybody just act natural.

Oh, all right.

ANDY: Well, Mr. Maxwell.

Didn‘t expect to see you so soon.

Oh, no, we didn't.

Well, as a matter of fact neither did I.

Come back for more money, did you?

Well, money was one of the reasons I came back.

Here, Sheriff, read this.

Oh, I don't have to.

Why, I'm sure the people around here

is pleased with the way you let 'em invest their money.

They‘re just champin' at the bit to put in more

ain't ya, boys?

(all agreeing)

But Sheriff, don't you even want to look at the contract?

Oh, ldon't have to.

There ain't no real need.

Why, the folks around here tmst you.

Ain't that right, boys?

(all agree)

I must say this is one of the fanciest

outfits I ever did see.

Go! all the whereases

and heretofores and theretos

and the National Record...

National Records?!

ELLIE: They bought our folk song album.

Show him the check, Mr. Maxwell.

Oh, yes. of course.

ELLIE: What's the matter, Andy?

A cat got your tongue?

I'll read it.

Certified $5,000.

Eh, certified?

Certified. Certi. ..

Five thou...!

MAXWELL: That's our first dividend.

Miss Walker can put it in the bank.

And now, gentlemen, I'm going up to New York

to get our album rolling.

And you owe it all to your sheriff.

Huh?

Well, after all, you were the one

who steered me to all that talent.

And the numbers you did with the band

turned out to be very big.

Well, now I'd better get our company moving.

In the meantime

I'll send you monthly reports.

And your dividend check, of course.

Thanks again, Sheriff.

(all saying good-bye)

And to think it all happened

because of our sheriff.

Don‘t you think he deserves

a nice, big pat on the back?

(all agreeing)

Oh, it's just beautiful, Andy.

Barneyll like that.

He's a stockholder, you know.

Shh. He's diversifying.

(whistling sprightly tune)