Original subtitles

(whistling sprightly tune)

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also sfam‘ng Don Knotrs.

Never see such hairdos in all your life?

And when Millie Parsons walked into church

with that hair

I come near dropping my hymn book,

I couldn‘t believe it, either.

After being a brunette all these years?

Aunt Bee, can I have a candy bar?

No, dear.

I suppose she thinks

those blonde streaks in her hair

make her look younger“.

so our new postman will give her a second look.

Anybody who'd give Millie a second look

would know those blonde tips came straight from a bottle

I declare, il‘s disgusting

the way some women try to be what they aren't,

Why can't I have a candy bar?

Because you can't, Opie.

Now, stop interrupting elders

when they/re talking.

Here you are, Emma.

I'll put it on your bill.

It comes to $1.34.

60 oents for toothpaste,

29 cents for rubbing alcohol.

45 cents for peroxide.

| only use it for gargling.

I'm one person that doesn’t try to hide her age.

I'm in my 40s and I admit it.

Golly. Aunt Bee.

She's way younger than you are.

She's in her 403 and you're already...

Opie, why don't you go over there

and get yourself a candy bar.

I just didn't want the boy to hear.

Speaking of people trying to hide their age,

do you know the real reason

Rose Blake went to Raleigh?

No. why?

I thought she went up visited her niece.

That‘s her story.

I happen to know

she went to buy a new set of teeth.

She is the vainest thing.

(gasping)

(women whispering excitedly)

Morning, ladies.

My goodness, don't you look happy.

Must be cutting somebody up pretty good.

Oh, I was just funnin‘,

Howdy, Fred.

Could I have some sulfa powder?

Andy, are you hurt?

Oh, no, Barneyjust cut his finger

a lil bit taking his gun apart.

I don‘t want him getting an infection.

Here's a sample.

You might as well

sprinkle the whole thing on it.

All right, much obliged, Fred.

Bye, ladies.

Bye, Andy.

Just a little out.

Andy come running all the way over here

tor sulfa powder.

All the way?

Emma, the courthouse is just across the street.

All the same,

I think there's more to this...

than meets the eye.

Oh, he says it's a scratch on his finger.

but I notice he's calling on one of those miracle drugs

to heal Barney.

My dear. I was right there

when Andy came mshing in.

Barney got his hand caught in the revolver

and got hisseif a serious infection.

Well, the way I heard it,

Barney was cleaning his gun or something,

and he ripped his arm clear up to his shoulder.

Did you hear the terrible news?

Barney Fife shot himself in the chest.

How's yourfinger?

Oh, all right, I guess.

I suppose that sulfa powder will fix it up.

Yeah. they say that's good stuff.

You think it'd be all right if I took the bandage off

and let the air to it?

They say the aii‘s good for it.

Yeah, it’d be all right

if you don't let the dirt get in it.

(groans)

Let me see it.

Oh, it looks fine.

Where you looking?

It isn‘t there, it's over here.

Where?

Right there.

Oh, right there?

No, right here.

Oh, that looks fine.

Think so?

Yeah.

I hope so, it's my trigger finger,

I lose that, I might as well leave the business.

(telephone rings)

Get that, will you?

Sheriffs office.

Are we aware of what?!

Well... who?

What's that?

Somebody just called to say I'm dead.

You're what?

That call.

They said Barney Fife shot himself in the chest.

(laughing): You did?

You'd think I'd know it

it I shot myself in the chest, wouldn't you? That‘d smart.

I'd think so.

They had you all laid out, did thew

Yeah. Will you imagine that?

The dumb bunnies.

So now you're dead,

Yeah.

I'll be darned.

-You couldn't have been very old. -No,

Well, they say only the good die young,

That's right.

Yesterday you looked so healthy.

Yeah, felt good,

Yeah, yesterday laughing and happy,

Had everything in the world to live for.

Yeah, yeah, well...

yesterday laughing and happy and today...

(snaps)

Actually, I don‘t think it’s too funny.

J‘ For he was a jolly good fellow.., J‘

I mean, when you stop and think about it, Andy,

uh.., actually...

What's the matter?

Well, I mean, it's not a joking matter,

Well, we all have to go sometime,

I know, will you stop it, Andy?

Well, Barney, I was just funnin’,

Oh, yeah, yeah, you were fun.

You're funny all right.

You're a scream. You ought to get a job

on one of those excursion boats.

Oh, Barney...

Oh, Andy.,. oh, Andy,

we heard the terrible news about Barney.

Everybost talking about it,

We came just as soon as we...

Barney!

You're standing!

You‘re darn right I'm standing.

Anything wrong with that?

But word's got around that you shot yourself.

They say you're gone.

Well, lain‘t.

I'm right here.

Bamey Fife in the flesh.

Not much, maybe, but I'm here.

Oh, land's sakes.

How did such a story get out anyhovfl

You mean, you don't know?

No. How could we?

Well, when I come in the drugstore this morning

to get some sulfa powder for Barney's finger,

they was just three women present.

They was you two and Clara Lindsey,

Now, you was the only ones that heard me say

about Barney having this small cut.

So?

So, from a small cut, it took you all

exactly three-and-a-half hours to get him killed off.

You make it sound like we're nothing but gossips,

According to you, the Lord made two sexes.

Men and blabbennouths.

Oh, that was well put, Aunt Bee.

Well put.

-It was very clever. -Oh, be quiet.

I suppose you're not capable of gossiping.

Oh, oh, lguess we‘re capable all right,

but somehow or another, itjust don't come as natural to us

as it does to you all.

Oh, really?!

Oh, I can't stand it.

Come along, Emma,

(speaking indignantly)

Sheriff, in your time of need,

it might be a comfort to know

that Monroe's Mortuary is ready to serve.

We all know the great loss that you. ,.

you...

Barney, you're still with us.

You're darn right I'm still with us.

And I'm gonna stay a long time!

Well, in that case, I'd better move my vehicle,

It‘s backed up to your door.

Out! Out!

What really irritates me

is that they're so smug about it,

What irritates me, it's just not true.

We don‘t gossip.

We just pass along news.

Well, Emma, let's admit it.

By the time it's made the full circle

it has grown a bit.

You know how we add...

(bumping)

Yes, sir, what can I do for you?

Root beer, if you please,

It gets mighty dusty on the road.

Passing through Mayberry, are you?

Well, no, not exactly,

I'll be staying a day or so

if things go well,

Well, good luck to you.

Thank you.

I don‘t suppose either of you ladies

would care to buy a pair of shoes?

I beg your pardon?

That's what I sell, shoes.

I guess you‘ve got all the shoes you need,

Thank you for your courtesy,

Oh, if you should know of anyone

that would like to buy a pair of shoes,

l have a complete line that I'd be glad to show

under no obligation.

Thank you.

I’m staying at the hotel.

My goodness.

That‘s the tamest traveling salesman

I ever did see.

Oh, Emma.

‘Wilbur Finch.

Representative of the Manhattan Shoe Company."

New York City. Hmm,

What were we talking about?

Oh, yes, gossip.

Now, Emma, you know men do the same thing.

We can't hold a candle to some of the stories

that have come out of Floyd's barbershop.

Don‘t I know it.

Never mind, Fred.

Aunt Bee, I might be a little late for supper.

Me and Barney have to take a little run

up to the Baxter place.

Oh, what's going on up there?

Oh, a I'mle official business.

Yeah, some dum trespasser

stole his "no trespassing" sign,

(laughing)

Darn you, that's funny,

Oh, who was that,

who was that stranger that was just in here?

Oh, I don't know...

other than that he‘s a shoe salesman from New York City,

Is that all you know about him?

Of course, what more should we know?

Oh, come on, now.

Two busy tongues and four sharp ears like you got?

Oh, well, really!

Andy Taylor, I don‘t like the way you're talking,

Don't pay any attention to him, Emma.

He's just trying to in'itate us.

All we know about him

is that he's a shoe salesman from New York City.

Oh, all right.

At least, that‘s what he says he is.

You got some cause to believe he ain't?

Hmm, no.

Onlythat, uh...

"Only/.7" Now, "only’ what?

Well, nothing really.

Except that it seems strange

that a man should come all the way from New York

to sell shoes in Mayberry.

Well, what’s strange about that?

A fella's got a right to sell shoes

anyplace he wants to.

Sure, it's a free country,

All right, itjust seemed a little odd to me, that's all.

He didn‘t try very hard to sell us any shoes.

Certainly didn't act like any traveling salesman

I ever saw.

Now, there you go again.

Trying to build something out of nothing,

(laughing)

What was all that for?

You know he's a shoe salesman.

I thought I'd plant a little doubt

in that conceited male mind.

Do you think he might start

making something out of that?

0h, Emma, ldon't think. I know.

Hey, Andy.

Huh?

Why do you suppose

a feller'd come all the way down here

from New York to sell shoes?

I mean, most salesmen that come around here

are from Raleigh or Richmond,

someplace like that.

Well, this one happens to come from New York.

Now, Barney, you ain‘t going to be so thin-headed

as to let them women get to you

with their rumors, are you?

Oh, no, no. What do you think I am,

naive or something?

I know what the score is.

It‘s just that, well,

Mayberry is 900 miles from New York.

Now, why would a feller drag his shoes

all the way down here?

Our feet ain't that special.

Barney.

All right, forget it.

(quietly): Forget it.

Hey, Andy!

You‘re going past the car.

I know it.

Why, Andy... we‘re going

out to the Baxter place, aren't we?

No, we're going in the hotel here.

What for?

To find out about this socalled

New York shoe salesman.

"Manhattan Shoe Company."

Looks like he's sticking to that story all the way,

What is it, Sheriff?

You can trust me.

Isn‘t he really a shoe salesman?

I wouldn‘t be too sure, Jason.

Well, he even give me his business card.

Well, there's been fake cards printed up before.

Could be the old fake card dodge.

Shrewd observation, Barney,

Thank you.

Listen, Sheriff.

The key question is,

if he ain't a shoe salesman,

what business would a fella from New York

have clear down here in Mayberry?

Now, look, Jason, you're a hotel man.

Now, this is police business.

You just leave this to us, okajfl

Now, Andy, the way I see it,

the key question is,

if he ain't a shoe salesman,

what business would a fella from New York

have clear down here in Mayberry?

But, |-| just said that.

Jason, ifyou don't mind.

Yeah, yeah. Jason, you keep an eye on this fella

and let us know if he’s up to anything unusual.

Gotcha.

Oh, and better keep this under your hat.

0h?

Yeah, it's official business, so...

Gotcha.

Here he comes.

Act casual.

(louder): We'll see you, Jason.

See you around, Jase.

(laughs)

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Well, Mr. Finch.

Going out to sell shoes?

Might as well try and get in a few calls today,

By the way, could I have a television set in my room?

Sony. We don't have any.

Oh, dear, I must find one for tonight.

You must, huh?

Yes.

Television is mighty important to me.

And he seemed real disappointed

when I told him we had no television.

Said television is "mighty important" to him.

Well, that’s strange, all right.

Mighty peculiar.

Shh-shh-shh.

| just tried to rent a television set.

Couldn't get one,

Well, I‘ll see you, gentlemen,

(all talking at once)

He ain't with the Manhattan Shoe Company.

Television business!

That's what he's in.

You know that television program,

that Manhattan Show Time?

That's his show.

It adds up.

You know what this fellow is?

A television producer?!

Andy, Andy, guess what.

Aunt Bee, you was right about that Finch fella.

He's not a shoe salesman at all.

Ooh! He isn't?

No. You'll never guess what he really is.

Oh, but I'm awfully anxious to hear.

Okay, you ready?

Mm-hmm,

He's a big, important talent scout

from the Manhattan Show Time television program.

Well, l was wondering what he'd tum out to be.

How about that!

Oh, I find this very interesting,

and so will Emma.

Yeah, ain't this somethin'?

I'll see you, Aunt Bee.

This is a real opportunity.

Oh, I agree with him there.

Nothing like this has happened in Mayberry before.

Well, I sure want this Finch fella

to hear my daughter play the accordion.

He could make her a star.

What about my Margaret the bird-caller?

Fellas, I'm closing shop.

I got to get on home

and oil the stops on my boy's saxophone.

Hey, lgot my harmonica ready,

Now-now wait, now wait, Now-now, this fella's

trying to keep his mission a secret.

Now, the worst thing you can do

is go charging over there and scare him off.

Well, you mean, we can't audition for him?

Well, what‘s the good of a talent scout

coming here if we...

(all talking at once)

Well, now wait a minute.

I didn't say you can't audition for him.

All I said is, you have to be clever about R.

Now, this Finch fellow wants you to think

that he's a shoe salesman.

Just go along with that.

That's a good idea.

Everybody can use a pair of shoes.

(all laughing)

Desk?

This is Mr. Finch.

Will you get my bill ready, please?

Yes, I'm checking out.

I know I had planned on staying longer, but...

(knocking on door)

Come in.

There‘s really no reason to.

Thank you.

Yes?

Hi.

You didn‘t get around to our place,

so we come here.

Why?

What for?

To buy shoes.

You want to buy shoes from me?

That's what you're selling, isn't it?

Well, yes.. |-| certainly...

well, come on in.

Gosh.

What kind of shoes do you want?

Oh, the best you got.

A pair for me

and a pair for the boy, eh?

Well, now... that's something.

Sit down. Sit down over there.

Oh, oh where?

Over there.

Oh, thank you.

Right in there. Yeah.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, dear.

Uh. son. while we're here,

why not give us a little music.

Why don‘t you play us

a little bit of that sax-a-mania.

(playing simple song)

(plays wrong note)

(playing falters)

(playing correctly)

(playing continues)

(all talking)

Shh! Shh! Shh!

Now, I believe he's finishing with Floyd.

Now get ready, whoever's next.

Good luck, Barney.

Shh! Shh!

Here's your receipt, sir.

Thank you very much.

Will we be hearing from you soon?

Why. yes. the shoes will be coming along

in about ten days. C.0.D.

The shoes, what shoes?

Oh, oh, the shoes.

Oh, oh! Mustn‘t forget those shoes.

Are you sure you don't want

my son to give you another little tune?

No, no, no.

Those three tunes were very nice.

You hear that, Randall?

That means a lot

coming from a man like Mr Finch.

Good-bye, Mr. Finch.

(closes door)

l was proud of you, boy.

Oh, you should have heard him...

(whispering): Just keep your voices down.

Shh! Shh! Shh!

Everybody, stay back, now.

Barney, you're next.

Good luck.

(knocks)

Howdy. I'd like to buy a pair of shoes.

Really?

Yeah.

Well...

(blows chord)

What'll il be?

Well, what kind of shoes do you want?

Huh?

Oh, yeah.

I almost forgot.

Oh, something black and white, size 7-1/2 B.

Oh, we‘ve got a very good black and white here.

Now, just a minute.

Let me find...

Oh, here it is, right here.

This is very popular.

Will you sit down over there?

Oh, sure. Yeah.

Okay.

You know, there's something

about ordering a pair of shoes that...

(laughing)

Take it easy on the arches there.

I'm a little bit ticklish.

Yeah, there's something about ordering a pair of shoes

that sort of makes me feel like playing the harmonica.

Really?

What'll il be?

"I‘m Just a Vagabond Lover“?

"Animal Crackers"?

"Finiculee, Finicula"?

How about this one.

(playing unrecognizable tune)

Okay, Shh! Shh!

Back up. Here he comes.

Honey, you were wonderful.

He couldn't take his eyes off of you.

Oh, you should have seen her. She was so...

That's right, Mr. Simmons.

67 pairs in all.

Really?

A company record for a day‘s sale?

Um, my.

Hmm?

How did I do it?

Well, Mr. Simmons, you say the good salesman

must have personal magnetism,

and when you've got people knocking on your door

why, I guess you've got it.

Certainly fine, having you with us.

We sure hope you come back soon. will you?

Yes, sir.

(all talking)

All right. come back now.

Look at them.

And they have the nerve to say

we made something out of nothing?

0h!

(all talking)

Well, it was mighty nice having you. Come back, now.

Well, sir, Ijust want to say

this has been the most successful trip I've ever had.

Well, we think we got a lot of talent here in Mayberry.

Hmm?

Oh, singers and dancers.

Oh, yes. Very good. Very good indeed. Well...

(starting engine)

Uh, Mr. Finch.

Uh, you think any of them

are good enough to go on television?

Oh, yes. lthink they all are good enough.

(engine rewing)

(all murrnur'ing)

Well, Ijust want to say that Mayberry appreciates you.

Well, I appreciate Mayberry.

I don't mind admitting

that l was just about washed up as a shoe salesman.

And then coming to this friendly town

with the response you gave me,

all those sales...

Well, there'll be no stopping me from now on.

Bless you all.

Did you hear that?

He really is a shoe salesman.

How come you thought

he was a talent scout, Andy?

Where‘d you get such a notion?

Where did I get such a notion?

Why, why, why, it was Barney that told me...

Me? No, no, no.

Jason called me.

Floyd, you said...

(all arguing)

Hello, Andy.

Hey, Aunt Bee.

Why, Sheriff Taylor,

where is that famous sunny disposition?

The cheery smile and the twinkling eye?

Oh, I know, I know~ now, don't tell me.

I should've understood.

It's the natural disappointment

at realizing you're not going to play your guitar

on the Manhattan Show Time program after all.

Oh, I do sympathize, Andy...

Now, just a short rninute, Aunt Bee.

What makes you think l was one of 'em

that run up there and auditioned for that Finch teller?

Didn't you?

Why, Aunt.. .

Hi, Andy. Oh, hi, Aunt Bee.

Say, | just dropped by the post office.

Look what come for you—

three pairs of shoes you ordered from that Finch teller.

Say, how many times did you play for him?

(whistling sprightly tune)