Original subtitles

(whistling sprightly tune)

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also starring Elinor Donahue and Don Knotrs.

Andy, ain" you ready yet?

That meeiing‘s due «1 s‘arl in about ten minutes.

I‘ll be ready in a I'mle bit.

Well, you take longer lo get ready

lhan anybody I ever knew.

Well, you know how it is

when you're good-looking,

You know, Andy, I can't understand

about this cannon business.

| just can‘t understand it.

0h, Barney, you can‘t fight progress.

Why do they want to get rid of something

that’s become a landmark in Mayberrw

Oh, that old cannon's getting to be an eyesore.

It‘s all rusty and chipping away,

I know, but I‘m used to seeing it there.

I got a good mind to vote to keep it.

Fine. You vote any way you want to.

That‘s what the meetings for.

So everybody can decide on what

they want to do with it.

Well, that’s what I’m going to do.

I'm going to vote to keep it.

All right.

Yes. Going to vote to keep it

You don't like change, do you?

As a matter of fact, I don't.

Little bit conservative there, are you?

Well, what's the matter with that?

Oh, nothing. Ijust noticed that

you like tor things to stay the same.

Well, lots of people are like that.

| just happen to be one of them.

That‘s all.

I like things to just stay the way they are,

and if something happens to change it

well, it-it upsets me.

-It does? -Yes, it does.

You know when they put that stamp machine

in the post office? Thatjust frosted me.

That bothered you, did it?

Yes, it did.

I don't think it’s right for the United States government

to be transacting business through a slot machine.

| sat down and wrote a letter

to the Postmaster General about it.

-Oh, you did? »Yes, I did.

I didn‘t mail it, though.

Why didn't you mail it?

I wouldn't buy a stamp trom that machine.

(chuckling)

Barney, I'll tell you the truth.

You are a bird in this world.

Well, that may be. but I‘ll tell you

how I'm going to vote on that cannon.

How?

I'm going to vote to keep it.

You just do that.

I don’t know how you’re going to vote,

-but I know how I’m going to vote. -Yeah, mm-hmm.

Hi, Paw.

Oh, hi, son.

Can I leave my school books here?

I'm going over to Jerry Parker's house

and I‘ll be skating back.

Well, wait, wait, wait, now.

How you going to be skating back

when you don't have any skates?

Well, I‘m gonna get ‘em.

Jerry and me are making a trade.

His roller skates for my licorice seeds.

Your what?

His licorice seeds.

What are licorice seeds?

And where'd you get 'em?

On another trade with Tommy Farrell.

I gave him my cap pistol.

Your new one?

It would have been worth it to grow my own licorice sticks,

You were gonna grow licorice sticks?

Yeah, but it was a fake.

I planted ‘em, and nothing came up,

You know, Paw, I think Tommy cheated me.

(chuckles)

Yeah, I‘d say that sums it up pretty good.

And so now, you're gonna pawn 'em oft

on the next fellow?

And on a better trade, too.

Roller skates are twice as good as a cap pistol.

Uh, let me, let me tell you something here.

Uh, you know that you've been taught

the Golden Rule—

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?

Yes, Paw.

You think you've been following that rule?

Sure. Tommy did it unto me, and now I'm doing it unto Jerry.

Uh, |-| believe you‘re bending that rulejust a little on.

Now, the Golden Rule says

that you’re supposed to be honest and square dealing

with other folks.

Now, telling your friend

that them seeds is gonna grow licorice sticks

well, that's kind of far away

trom what you'd call square dealing,

and R's awful close to what you‘d call cheating.

I didn‘t tell him that they grow licorice sticks, Paw.

I just didn't tell him they wouldn’t.

Well, lgot cheated.

Well, now, that still don't make it right,

and I know that you wouldn‘t feel good

cheating your friend,

Now, I-l'|| tell you what to do.

Now, you just keep them licorice seeds

and forget this whole trade

until you got something worthwhile

to dicker with, all right?

All right, Ncwjust always remember

honesty is the best policy.

You just listen to your Paw, son.

You’ll never go wrong on that,

All right, we'll see you, Opie.

If honesty is such a good policy,

how come I'm out a cap pistol?

(shouting)

Wait a minute!

Barney, will you wait a minute?

You don't have the floor. Sheriff Taylor does.

I don't want the floor. | just thought

you'd like to know how I‘m gonna vote on the cannon question.

We're not gonna have any voting

till we finish with the discussion.

-Now, is that clear? -Yes, sir.

Well, go on then, Andy.

As soon as we do vote, though,

you wanna know how I'm gonna vote?

No! Now, go ahead, Andy.

Wanna know how I'm gonna vote?

Barney!

-(whispers): I‘m gonna vote to keep it. -Shh.

Well, she just wanted to know how I was gonna vote.

Miss Walker!

Ididn't...

Barney!

Shh.

Well, all l was tryin’ to say is that

the cannon never was in such good shape,

and you remember after last Fourth of July

it certainly didn't get any better

when we busted the muzzle, trying to fire it,

I remember that very well!

Okay, let's get on with the voting,

We're not ready for the voting.

-We haven't had any discussion on the plaque yet. -What plaque?

Oh, the plaque that would replace our cannon.

Yes, one of our former citizens—

Mr. Milford Philips~

has generously offered to donate it to us.

Miltord Philips?

Yes.

He still has fond memory

lor his boyhood days

here in this splendid community.

Well, I guess we've had about enough discussion,

Yeah, let's get on with the voting.

Now then, all those in favor of getting rid of the cannon

raise their hands.

Motion carried.

Wait just a second.

You didn't ask for those against,

Barney, the majority rules.

I don't care.

He's supposed to get a count on those against.

All right, all right.

Now, all those against it, raise their hand.

Well, why don‘t you raise your hand?

Think I wanna go on record as a troublemaker?

The motion was carried unanimously.

Meeting adjourned.

Wait a minute, Mayor.

Well, what for?

We didn‘t decide

what to do with the cannon.

Well, that’s so.

We gotta make some decision.

Well, you might...

Why not donate it to the state museum?

Yeah, state museum.

That's a good idea.

That sad—lookin’ thing in the state museum?

No, state museum, no good.

Bad idea.

You were all anxious to get rid of it, weren‘t you?

Now you don't know what to do with it, do you?

Simple— you just...

Sell it.

That's a good idea.

ANDY: I suppose we could sell it at auction.

Andy, | appoint you and Barney

as a committee of two to sell the cannon.

But, Mayor...

Meeting‘s adjourned.

(all talking at once)

Barney, that was wonderful, wondertul.

Glad you voted my way, Eamey.

Well, bucket mouth...

you know anybody who wants to buy a cannon?

(fife and drum playing march)

(mil'tary band playing "When Johnny Comes Marching Home")

(military band playing bright march)

(muttering)

(both grunt)

Whoop! That's good enough, right there.

Well, we didn‘t have much luck trying to sell it, did we?

Might as well just forget it.

Oh, Andy, somebody/s bound to come along.

There must be someone who'd like to own

this fine-looking piece of artillery.

We'll find a good place for it.

Don't say forget it.

Uh... Barney?

Yeah?

You know, I believe I know somebody

that would be tickled to death to buy this cannon.

-You do? »Yeah'.7

-For sure? -Yeah.

-Here? -Yeah.

-Who? -You.

-Me? -Yeah.

-Forget it. —Now, Barney...

Oh, Andy, you trying to sell me this cannon?

What would I do with a cannon, for heaven's sakes?

Well, you seem to love it.

Love it?

Oh, no.

I mean, well, I... I like it.

But I... well, I don't love it.

Well, Barney, wouldn‘t you like to own this cannon

and keep it right in front of your house?

-In front of my house? -That's right.

And that way your place would get to be a kind of a landmark.

-Sort of a tourist spot. -That's it.

And folks would come from all over and just stand

in my front yard and stare at my cannon.

-That's right. —And young'uns would play on it.

Yeah, what do you say, Barney, what do you say?

Forget it.

Barney. .

You got a lot of nerve, trying to sell me a cannon.

What kind of a dumbbell do you think I am?

You beat everything, you know that?

Well, golly, Barney,

l was just doing what the Mayor asked us to do.

I didn‘t think there'd be any harm in asking.

You like the cannon, and well, shucks,

I mean, I didn't think there‘d be any harm in asking.

Well, l-l‘m sorry, Andy. I did n't mean to get riled.

I know you was just doing what you thought was right.

Well, of course there's no harm in asking.

And... I'm not mad...

buddy.

are;

Want to buy a cannon?

Forget it!

-There you go. —(register rings)

0h.

Hello.

No luck?

Nary a nibble. I don't believe

there‘s a very brisk market for cannons this year.

Oh, that's too bad.

I do have Barney following up one last lead.

Might amount to something.

I sure could use a cool drink.

-0kay. -|'|l tell you the truth—

cannon-selling parches a body‘s throat.

I don't know how many miles we went today,

but I tell you the truth,

I sure am wore out.

Hi, Paw.

Well, hi, Op.

Hi, Miss Ellie.

Can I have some, too?

Oh, I guess so.

Miss Ellie, one more straw.

All right.

How was school today, Opie?

(mumbling and slurping)

|'|| accept that.

BARNEY: Oh, there you are, Andy.

Oh, hi, Barney.

I got an offer from Chaitie Ross.

Chartie Ross, the junk dealer?

That‘s the only prospect we had left.

All right, what's his offer?

He'll take it off your hands for $15.

$15? That's not very much.

Andy...

I know. What else we got?

All right, go collect the 15 from Charlie,

and tell him he bought hisself a cannon.

Well, Andy, we don't collect the $15.

We pay it.

We pay it?

That's the best offer I can get out of him.

We pay him $15, and he'll haul it away.

May | help you, sir?

Yes, I‘d like a tin of pipe tobacco, please.

Fine. Um, hoWs this?

That's fine.

Say, that's interesting.

Something I haven't seen in ages.

Soap?

No.

That old copper wash boiler.

Uh, how much do I owe you?

That'll be 25 cents.

-Thank you. —All right, here you are.

Is this for sale?

Do you want to buy it?

Yes. I'm an antique dealer.

I'll give you $5 for it.

ELLIE: $5?

Well, Mr., Uh...

Mason. Ralph Mason.

Mr. Mason, if you really want to buy it

I guess you can have it.

I don't have much use for it.

Fine. Fine.

-Here you are. -Thank you.

Uh, Mr., Uh... Mason, was it?

Uh, yes, Mason.

-Mr. Mason, I'm Andy Taylor. -Yes?

I'm the sheriff in these parts.

Well, how do you do, Andy?

How do you do?

This is Barney Fife.

How do you do, Barney?

-l‘m the deputy. on the deputy.

That's right.

Uh, Mr. Mason...

as long as you're on a shopping spree,

I believe we‘ve got something you wouldn't want to pass up.

Oh, really?

What is it?

Well, |...

I don't know.

It‘s-it's very interesting,

but I'm not sure I can find a buyer for it.

Well, now, wait a minute, Mr. Mason.

You‘re interested in historical treasures,

ain't you?

Historical treasures?

Oh, yes, sir.

Like firing the first shot at Fort Sumter and like that.

Really?

(chuckling)

Well, I... I don't know.

Oh, there's history written all over this old cannon,

Mr. Mason.

You see that crack right there?

MASON: Yes.

You are interested in historical cannons,

-ain't you? -0h, yes, yes, indeed.

Good, good,

well, that crack right there come from a direct hit

whilst Teddy Roosevelt was adraggin' her up San Juan Hill.

Really?

What are you making faces for?

We have to sell that cannon.

What are you trying to do, spoil this?

Well, what are you trying to tell him?

You know that cannon was never at San Juan Hill.

Well, how do you know? Were you there?

-Nol —You want to buy this cannon?

-No. We", stop making faces.

Well, l-l just don't know. I'm not sure.

Oh, yes, sir, Mr. Mason.

Teddy Roosevelt had a lot of cannons,

but this is his very favorite one.

When he yelled "Charge," this is what he charged with.

But I thought Teddy Roosevelt led a cavalry unit.

How's that?

Well, I understood when he charged up San Juan Hill,

he charged up on horseback.

Oh, well, now, that's right.

That‘s right, he did... he did charge on horseback,

dragging this cannon behind him.

MASON: 0h?

You see the initials rig ht there?

Oh, yeah.

See that "TR"?

-Yes. —Teddy Roosevelt.

Vlfill you stop that?

Teddy Roosevelt?

You know Tracy Rupert

scratched that on there with a nail.

Well, so what?

Well, you're telling him a lie.

You want to buy this cannon?

-No! -We||, shut up!

Sheriff?

Yes?

Paw, I never heard...

Oh, you never heard

because you been too busy talking.

I've been quiet.

Well, you been looking noisy.

But, Paw, lstill never heard...

Go find the banal ring, and tell Barney to put it away.

-What barrel ring? -Never mind.

Just find one, find one, find one.

Now then, uh, Mr. Mason, shall we set down

and do a little serious dickering

about this fine, old, historic piece?

Him and his Golden Rule.

I ain't been able to stop thinking about it.

l was so mad, I didn‘t even put away the barrel n'ng.

What barrel ring?

Oh, the one Opie brought in.

I did it! I did it!

And hold on to yourselves when I tell you

how much I got for that cannon,

‘cause you‘re going to jump

clear out ol your skins.

|got$175l

Your skins ain‘t a-ripping.

Maybe you don‘t believe your ears.

I got $175

tor the cannon!

I‘m just not making contact.

Barney told me how you did it.

Oh, well, maybe I did stretch the truth

a little on, but what's the harm?

Well, it‘s not like Mr. Mason's

going to be out anything.

He's a antique dealer,

and he‘ll just sell it to somebody else

and wind up making even more.

Well, this is a fine howdy-do.

All I did was a little horse trading,

and instead of the town being out $15

to get rid of the cannon

we come out $175 to the good.

You'd think I'd just committed

a bank robbery.

(slurping)

If that don't beat anything I ever saw in my life.

Where are you going?

In there to get a cone.

Well, get your cone someplace else.

No son of mine is going to patronize a place...

Where'd you get them roller skates?

Same place I got the money

for the cone-- from Jerry Parker.

Opie Taylor, do you mean to tell me

that after all the talking I did about the Golden Rule,

you went ahead and traded them licorice seeds, anyhow?

Oh, no, Paw.

Well, that’s good.

I traded him that cuffiink that you gave me the other day.

That old broken cufflink that was on my dresser?

Yes, sir.

And Jeny Parker give you

a good pair of skates and enough money

-lor a cone for that? -Yes, sir.

Well, how do you figure

you was able to make such a good trade?

Well, maybe 'cause he got the idea

that it was really a button

off the uniform of General George Washington.

That was the idea that he had.

Now, you take them skates off

-as fast as you know how. -Why, Paw?

Because you're returning them, that's why.

-But, Paw. . . —And the money for the cone.

Now, come on, get ’em off.

What's the matter, Paw?

The matter is that I got a idea

about the idea Jerry got

about that cufflink being a button

off of General Washington's uniform.

And the idea I got

is that it's just barely possible

that the idea Jerry got could have come from you.

How about it?

Well...

Now, come on, tell me the truth.

I don‘t want you lying to me,

on top of everything else.

Okay. It's barely possible.

Do you know what you've done?

You've just broken the Golden Rule

and thrown it right out the window and cheated.

Oh, no, Paw, I didn't cheat at all.

Well, what do you call it then?

Why, being smart, just like you.

What?

Sure. When I saw how you dickered

with that fellow tor the cannon,

I knew how important it is

to make up a good story

to go with whatever it is you're trading.

So I made up the story about George Washington.

Ain't that being smart, Paw?

Well, no, that's not being smart.

That‘s just lying, lying and cheating.

But didn't you do the same with that fellow, Paw?

Well, well, well, no!

No?

No!

What I did was to build up the product

so it’d be easier for me to sell.

That's what I did.

Well, well, no, now.

Now, what-what I did is what we call

a little innocent horse trading.

I know. That's what I did.

Well, now, no.

You see, it's different with you.

Vlfith-with grown folks, why-why, we...

(stammers)

You know what I think, Paw?

What?

I think we both broke the Golden Rule.

I think you're right, Opie.

Now, I'll tell you what:

You take them skates back to Jerry,

and I got a little fence mending

to do of my own, all right?

-All right. —All right.

Another root beer fioat.

Barney, don't you think you've had enough?

Ellie, you let me worry about that.

But, Barney, tour inside of 15 minutes.

Putting all that ice cream and soda in your stomach.

Ellie, if you won't sell R to me

I’ll just buy it somewheres else.

All right.

You know, I just can‘t believe that Andy would do such a thing.

I looked up to that man.

Well, there's one thing, Barney.

He isn‘t doing this for personal profit.

He‘s doing it for the good of the town.

Well, that don't make it right.

Oh, Deputy.

I've been looking all over for Sheriff Taylor.

You can save me the trouble.

Here's my certified check in payment for the cannon.

Well, uh, Mr. Mason... you made your deal

with Sheriff Taylor,

and you let him do his own collecting.

Well, it really doesn‘t matter who accepts it.

It‘s made out to 'The Town of Mayberry."

ANDY: Oh, Mr. Mason.

Oh, there you are, Sheriff.

I been looking for you.

Well, no need to worry.

I've got that certified check

for you, just as I promised.

Well, you better just keep that.

I'm afraid that's money we can't take.

Why? We made a deal.

Well, I know we did,

but the deal we made is based on lies.

-0h? -Yeah. Everything I told you

about Teddy Roosevelt and San Juan Hill

and all like that, well, I made that up.

And I have to be honest with you.

Well, lappreciate that,

and l have to be honest with you, too.

I think I can sell it.

That rusty old eyesore?

That old cannon ain‘t worth $175.

All right. I'll give you 150.

Vlfill that ease your mind?

For a cannon that ain't even been in a war?

Okay, let's make it a hundred.

No. You don‘t understand, Mr. Mason.

| just can't cheat you.

Well, how about 75?

-30. -Done.

There you are, $30. I'll have it moved

within a week.

Oh, that's right. I forgot about you having to move it.

That'll cost you at least $10.

I'll just give you $10 back, and that'll make it

$20 fair and square all the way around.

Sheriff, ljust want to say

this is the darndest business deal l was ever in.

Come back to see us.

Thank you. So long.

-We'll see you. -Yeah.

Oh, Andy, you did the right thing, and I‘m proud of you.

How was that for horse trading?

When I set out to lose, I really do a good job of it, don't I?

Andy...

Huh?

Well...

(shudders)

I ought never to drink.

Oh, Andy?

Oh, hi. Well, you certainly do look

like a person with something on their mind.

Oh, I am. I just got this wire from Mr. Milfred Phillips.

Oh, good, I hope that plaque

he‘s giving the town is on its way.

Yeah, that cannon sure left a bare spot.

Well, maybe you better read this, Andy.

Okay.

"Mayberry Town Council.

"Have reconsidered giving plaque.

"Have found something much better

"and more fitting for a town.

"Am sending you genuine Civil War cannon

"with cracked iron muzzle

from actual combat at San Juan Hill"?!

(whistling sprightly tune)