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1
00:01:47,460 --> 00:01:49,880
( music continues
in the distance )
2
00:01:54,710 --> 00:01:57,920
( You're The One
That I Want playing )
3
00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:05,290
♪ I got chills ♪
4
00:02:05,290 --> 00:02:07,830
♪ They're multiplyin' ♪
5
00:02:07,830 --> 00:02:12,290
♪ And I'm losin' control ♪
6
00:02:12,290 --> 00:02:16,500
♪ 'Cause the power
you're supplyin' ♪
7
00:02:16,500 --> 00:02:19,410
♪ It's electrifyin' ♪
8
00:02:19,420 --> 00:02:21,710
♪ You're the one
that I want ♪
9
00:02:21,710 --> 00:02:24,130
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey ♪
10
00:02:24,130 --> 00:02:26,670
♪ The one that I want ♪
11
00:02:26,670 --> 00:02:28,710
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey ♪
12
00:02:28,710 --> 00:02:30,920
♪ The one that I want ♪
13
00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:32,800
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
14
00:02:52,670 --> 00:02:54,340
You can all dance like that.
15
00:02:54,330 --> 00:02:56,200
No. Impossible.
16
00:02:56,210 --> 00:02:57,960
You can.
17
00:02:57,960 --> 00:02:59,510
Dance is like love.
18
00:03:02,420 --> 00:03:04,800
Just move your feet
to the beat of your heart.
19
00:03:07,540 --> 00:03:09,790
♪ Hey, macarena ♪
20
00:03:12,830 --> 00:03:15,790
Go, yes. Come on.
Follow your inner beat.
21
00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:25,710
Come on, ladies!
22
00:03:26,830 --> 00:03:29,660
Move your feet
to the beat of your heart.
23
00:03:36,580 --> 00:03:39,450
I told you
you could do it!
24
00:03:39,460 --> 00:03:42,300
Ladies, I have an announcement.
25
00:03:42,290 --> 00:03:46,620
I'm sad to say that today will
be my last day here at Shanti
Dance and Modern Movement.
26
00:03:46,630 --> 00:03:49,010
What
No.
27
00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:52,620
My classes will be taken over
by Sister Munju Murthi,
a nun from Kerala.
28
00:03:52,630 --> 00:03:55,130
But why?
Where are you going?
29
00:03:55,130 --> 00:03:57,880
To America.
You going to drive
a cab there?
30
00:03:57,880 --> 00:04:00,760
A cab? No way.
I'm going to be a star.
31
00:04:00,750 --> 00:04:03,120
You can do that?
Of course you can.
32
00:04:03,130 --> 00:04:04,840
Anything's possible
in America.
33
00:04:04,830 --> 00:04:06,620
Look at my friend, Vijay Rao.
34
00:04:06,630 --> 00:04:09,010
The one with
the red Mercedes?
And the penthouse?
35
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:13,250
He went there with nothing,
no job, no money, no visa.
36
00:04:13,250 --> 00:04:14,870
And he's a big success.
37
00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,090
I don't want to dance
with a nun.
38
00:04:32,380 --> 00:04:34,300
Bye. Take care.
39
00:04:34,290 --> 00:04:36,120
WOMAN: Bye!
40
00:04:36,130 --> 00:04:38,590
WOMAN 2: Have a nice trip!
Bye!
41
00:05:09,460 --> 00:05:11,590
I wanted
a spring wedding.
Thank you.
42
00:05:11,580 --> 00:05:13,660
I was going to bake
a mango cake.
43
00:05:13,670 --> 00:05:16,710
You'll end up working
in some restaurant.
With bad food.
44
00:05:16,710 --> 00:05:19,300
And soon you'll be back
begging me for a decent life.
45
00:05:19,290 --> 00:05:20,790
Maybe you're right, Dad.
46
00:05:20,790 --> 00:05:23,540
Maybe I'm better off
staying here and becoming
a salaried man.
47
00:05:23,540 --> 00:05:27,200
Don't even say that.
But I tell my students...
48
00:05:27,210 --> 00:05:31,710
"Move your feet to the beat
of your heart," and my heart
is telling me to go to America.
49
00:05:31,710 --> 00:05:33,460
I've dreamt of it my whole life.
50
00:05:40,710 --> 00:05:43,460
Don't worry.
I'll be fine.
51
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:50,460
You'll not only be fine,
you'll be famous.
52
00:05:50,460 --> 00:05:51,840
Like Ricky Martin.
53
00:05:58,540 --> 00:06:00,790
Mira, be careful, huh?
54
00:06:00,790 --> 00:06:02,410
Your bike!
55
00:06:45,710 --> 00:06:47,840
Hey, man. Can I get
your autograph?
56
00:06:53,750 --> 00:06:55,830
So your flight was good?
Yeah, man.
57
00:06:55,830 --> 00:06:58,200
And how's your sister?
Okay.
58
00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:03,080
Is the Mercedes
in the shop or something?
59
00:07:04,330 --> 00:07:05,540
Or something.
60
00:07:08,710 --> 00:07:10,420
This is the penthouse?
61
00:07:10,420 --> 00:07:11,920
It's the top floor.
62
00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:13,670
It's the only floor.
63
00:07:13,670 --> 00:07:15,670
You're a real bastard,
you know that?
64
00:07:15,670 --> 00:07:19,260
Come on, yaar, if I'd
told you the truth,
you never would have come.
65
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:26,370
Immigration!
Open up!
66
00:07:26,380 --> 00:07:29,630
SANJIV: Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
67
00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:37,550
This is Amit. He's a nerd.
What's up, yaar?
68
00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:39,330
That's Sanjiv.
He's illegal.
69
00:07:40,380 --> 00:07:41,800
And an idiot!
70
00:07:43,790 --> 00:07:46,790
Hey. I was reading, Vij.
71
00:07:46,790 --> 00:07:50,620
Oh, hey, Ramu!
72
00:07:50,630 --> 00:07:53,050
Welcome.
73
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,370
So good to meet you.
Now the rent goes down.
74
00:07:55,380 --> 00:07:58,090
Welcome my boy Ram
to America.
75
00:08:06,130 --> 00:08:08,340
To America!
Whee!
76
00:08:08,330 --> 00:08:11,580
MAN: Shut the fuck up!
77
00:08:11,580 --> 00:08:13,580
RAMU: I know
it's been a while, but...
78
00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:15,580
The penthouse is beautiful.
79
00:08:15,580 --> 00:08:17,580
Vijay is doing really well.
80
00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:19,910
No, no. New York is great.
81
00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:21,800
Your samosas are getting cold.
82
00:08:21,790 --> 00:08:24,540
That was the butler.
My samosas are getting cold.
83
00:08:24,540 --> 00:08:26,330
Better go, Nanima.
Namaste.
84
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:35,660
PATRON: That guy's totally lame.
85
00:08:35,670 --> 00:08:38,550
How long can that guy go
for the "working late" crap?
86
00:08:38,540 --> 00:08:41,580
What is this? I ordered
the chicken tikka masala.
87
00:08:41,580 --> 00:08:44,160
That is
chicken tikka masala, sir.
88
00:08:44,170 --> 00:08:47,090
That is not chicken
tikka masala, sir.
89
00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:50,120
That is definitely
chicken tikka masala.
90
00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:53,550
Dude, I know
chicken fucking tikka masala,
and that's not it.
91
00:08:53,540 --> 00:08:57,450
So how about you take your
skinny brown ass back to
the kitchen and get me some.
92
00:08:57,460 --> 00:09:00,420
Yes, sir.
I'm sorry, dude.
93
00:09:13,250 --> 00:09:17,700
No chance. I even told him
you've got ten kids and your
wife's in a wheelchair.
94
00:09:17,710 --> 00:09:20,800
I don't care.
I don't want that
stupid job back.
95
00:09:20,790 --> 00:09:24,370
Come on, man. You've got
a roof over your head
and food in your belly.
96
00:09:24,380 --> 00:09:25,550
What more do you want?
97
00:09:25,540 --> 00:09:28,250
I want what you promised me
in your letters.
98
00:09:28,250 --> 00:09:29,660
So did you, Vij.
99
00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:32,920
The penthouse,
the Mercedes...
100
00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:36,920
So what happened
to your business empire, huh?
What happened to that?
101
00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:39,210
It's not that easy.
I don't want it to be easy.
102
00:09:39,210 --> 00:09:40,420
I just want my chance.
103
00:09:41,670 --> 00:09:43,800
Look, maybe I'm not
good enough.
104
00:09:43,790 --> 00:09:47,950
Maybe all I can do is be
a waiter, but I want
my chance to find out.
105
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,630
Isn't that
the American dream?
106
00:09:49,630 --> 00:09:50,960
You're a fool.
107
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:53,340
Do you know why they call it
the American dream?
108
00:09:53,330 --> 00:09:55,540
Because it only happens
when you're asleep.
109
00:10:14,290 --> 00:10:15,790
MAN: Next!
110
00:10:24,420 --> 00:10:27,130
I'm here for the audition.
Ramu Gupta.
111
00:10:27,130 --> 00:10:28,630
Tell me something
I don't know.
112
00:10:30,290 --> 00:10:32,250
My mother comes from Hyderabad.
113
00:10:32,250 --> 00:10:34,160
My father wanted to marry
a Muslim girl
114
00:10:34,170 --> 00:10:35,840
but his family
wouldn't let him.
115
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:40,670
Everybody's a comedian.
116
00:10:40,670 --> 00:10:43,710
What did you say
your name was?
Ram Chandra Gupta.
117
00:10:43,710 --> 00:10:46,920
Actor, dancer.
118
00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:50,090
Okay, Rammy, what would you
say your specialty is?
119
00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:52,040
Well, um, I move smooth.
120
00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:55,330
I take instruction easily.
I'm not afraid
to try new things.
121
00:10:55,330 --> 00:10:57,370
Good. We like that.
122
00:10:57,380 --> 00:10:59,840
Uh, how big are you hard?
123
00:10:59,830 --> 00:11:01,910
Yes, I work very hard.
124
00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:04,840
No. Your johnson...
How big is your johnson?
125
00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:08,250
Johnson?
Your wand.
126
00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:10,250
Your pork sword.
Your bologna pony.
127
00:11:10,250 --> 00:11:12,040
Would you like to see
my "Macarena"?
128
00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:15,120
Mac... Is that what
the kids call it
in your part of the world?
129
00:11:15,130 --> 00:11:16,840
Okay, let me see
your Macarena.
130
00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:28,080
♪ Hey, the Macarena ♪
131
00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:30,330
Hey, you want to lose the pants?
132
00:11:30,330 --> 00:11:32,290
Is that part of the movie?
133
00:11:32,290 --> 00:11:33,620
Could be.
134
00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:39,620
I get it.
135
00:11:39,630 --> 00:11:41,670
Like Tom Cruise
in Risky Business, huh?
136
00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:50,170
( piano rock 'n' roll
intro playing )
137
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:31,500
All right.
138
00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:32,870
Yeah, you could be big.
139
00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:35,380
Oh, yes. Very big.
140
00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:36,760
I can see that.
141
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:41,160
I got to tell you,
most guys come in here,
142
00:12:41,170 --> 00:12:43,550
they wax the dolphin,
that's it, it's over.
143
00:12:43,540 --> 00:12:45,290
And you dance. I like that.
144
00:12:45,290 --> 00:12:47,000
Thank you.
145
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,660
Yeah. Plus you got this
really interesting look.
146
00:12:49,670 --> 00:12:53,050
It's kind of this Oriental
cabana-boy thing happening.
147
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:56,330
You're unique, Rammy.
You could be a big star.
148
00:12:56,330 --> 00:12:59,700
Yes, sir. I know.
149
00:12:59,710 --> 00:13:03,550
I'm telling you, I'm the star,
like John Travolta.
150
00:13:03,540 --> 00:13:05,200
Pulp Fiction Travolta
151
00:13:05,210 --> 00:13:06,630
or Urban Cowboy Travolta?
152
00:13:06,630 --> 00:13:08,130
Grease Travolta.
153
00:13:08,130 --> 00:13:10,800
How many lines do you have?
I haven't seen the script yet.
154
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:13,950
I know your lines. Just like
your lines in the restaurant.
155
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:17,550
"Would you like chutney
with your chapattis or
pompoloms with your paneer?"
156
00:13:17,540 --> 00:13:19,580
"Would you like nachos
with your Big Gulp?"
157
00:13:19,580 --> 00:13:22,450
Piss off, man.
158
00:13:22,460 --> 00:13:25,210
Oh, I'm sorry.
Good for you, yaar.
159
00:13:25,210 --> 00:13:26,550
Come on. Tell us about it.
160
00:13:26,540 --> 00:13:27,790
What role are you playing?
161
00:13:27,790 --> 00:13:30,160
Man in turban working
in gas station.
162
00:13:30,170 --> 00:13:34,420
You guys can make all
the jokes you want, but this is
a real movie, and I am the star.
163
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:44,840
CAMERAMAN:
Clock's ticking. Come on.
164
00:13:44,830 --> 00:13:47,620
DWAIN: Okey-dokey pokey.
Actors on the set.
165
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,540
For a starring role,
I don't have a lot of lines.
166
00:13:56,460 --> 00:13:57,630
What are you doing?
167
00:13:57,630 --> 00:13:59,170
Giving Mr. Happy a shine.
168
00:13:59,170 --> 00:14:01,420
He gets more screen time
than your face.
169
00:14:01,420 --> 00:14:04,630
What?
DWAIN: Any sign
of our Mr. Rammy?
170
00:14:04,630 --> 00:14:08,050
Okay, now.
No time for nerves.
171
00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:11,200
You got to get out there.
Baby, don't you want to
be in the movie?
172
00:14:11,210 --> 00:14:12,920
But a real movie.
173
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:15,210
Not... pornography.
174
00:14:15,210 --> 00:14:18,210
Oh, sugar, please.
175
00:14:18,210 --> 00:14:20,460
Everybody has to
start somewhere.
176
00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:23,670
DWAIN: So it's one, two,
and the inserts and we're done.
177
00:14:25,830 --> 00:14:27,700
There's my Jane.
Now where's my Tarzan?
178
00:14:30,420 --> 00:14:32,670
Hey, there's the Ram.
179
00:14:32,670 --> 00:14:34,300
Everyone meet Rammy.
180
00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:36,200
Meet your co-star, Sharonna.
181
00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:39,370
Hello.
182
00:14:42,380 --> 00:14:44,550
Hello.
All right. Let's rock.
Come on.
183
00:14:45,630 --> 00:14:48,260
Welcome to Fantasy Island.
184
00:14:48,250 --> 00:14:51,290
Okay, Rammy, you live on this
desert island, obviously,
185
00:14:51,290 --> 00:14:55,040
and you've basically been
in the bushes beating
your meat the whole life.
186
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:57,750
One day you're skipping
on the beach,
and you see this
187
00:14:57,750 --> 00:15:01,620
hot power-suited mama here,
and you just want to teach
her your native tongue.
188
00:15:01,630 --> 00:15:02,760
Hindi?
189
00:15:04,540 --> 00:15:06,910
Sharonna, you're
the junior senator
from Wisconsin.
190
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:11,460
You've come to investigate
a nuclear dump site that's
contaminating the marine life.
191
00:15:11,460 --> 00:15:13,300
Okay. Roll camera.
192
00:15:13,290 --> 00:15:15,870
We are rolling.
193
00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:17,300
DWAIN: Action.
194
00:15:21,630 --> 00:15:23,880
Hello, I'm Senator Snatch.
195
00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:26,050
I'm here on official
government business.
196
00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:27,910
Are the natives here friendly?
197
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:30,130
The natives here
are restless, Senator.
198
00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:33,500
You look hot
in that power suit.
199
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:35,790
I didn't realize
the tropics would be
so warm.
200
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,790
RAMU: The temperature isn't
the only thing here that's up.
201
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:52,410
DWAIN: Cut!
202
00:15:56,790 --> 00:15:58,450
Brilliant.
203
00:15:58,460 --> 00:16:02,460
Uh, nice moment, Rammy,
but we're not doing this
for Lifetime. Okay?
204
00:16:02,460 --> 00:16:04,630
You see her,
you screw her,
we go home.
205
00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:07,340
Also, you're happy
skipping along the beach.
You know?
206
00:16:07,330 --> 00:16:09,620
Life is good.
207
00:16:09,630 --> 00:16:13,050
Skip, screw, happy.
Got it.
208
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:16,160
"Guess Who's Coming
at Dinner", take two.
209
00:16:19,250 --> 00:16:21,450
Hello, I'm Senator Snatch.
I'm here on...
210
00:16:22,630 --> 00:16:25,210
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
211
00:16:25,210 --> 00:16:27,340
Pretty rough stuff.
212
00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:32,580
Problem?
We don't have wood.
213
00:16:32,580 --> 00:16:35,410
Stand by.
Holding on wood.
214
00:16:35,420 --> 00:16:37,050
Standing by for wood.
215
00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:40,620
We are holding on wood!
216
00:16:42,420 --> 00:16:44,510
Do you have
an erection problem?
217
00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:46,370
No, sir.
Ask the makeup girl.
218
00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:47,920
She's a guy.
219
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:50,920
I'm more woman than you'll
ever have, pencil dick.
220
00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:52,300
Sorry, dude.
221
00:16:52,290 --> 00:16:54,290
DWAIN: Get hard or get going.
222
00:16:59,330 --> 00:17:02,540
( motivating himself
in Hindi )
223
00:17:02,540 --> 00:17:04,370
It's just sex, silly.
224
00:17:04,380 --> 00:17:06,300
CAMERAMAN: Where did you
find this guy?
225
00:17:06,290 --> 00:17:07,790
DWAIN: Uh, he found me.
226
00:17:07,790 --> 00:17:09,700
You know, we could have
had Waldo.
227
00:17:09,710 --> 00:17:12,590
No. No, no. Waldo's
too hairy for this.
228
00:17:12,580 --> 00:17:14,500
Natives don't have
a lot of back hair.
229
00:17:16,170 --> 00:17:17,920
It's just the idea
of being naked
230
00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:20,050
in front of all
these... people.
231
00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:24,580
The trick is not to be
naked up here.
232
00:17:24,580 --> 00:17:28,700
Other actors get costumes,
but we don't, or at least
not for very long.
233
00:17:28,710 --> 00:17:31,840
So your naked body
is really just your costume.
234
00:17:37,170 --> 00:17:39,550
I promise, in India,
I'm a real stud.
235
00:17:41,500 --> 00:17:46,370
If you and I could just
go somewhere by ourselves
without people watching...
236
00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:49,380
There's always
someone watching.
237
00:17:53,330 --> 00:17:55,370
Dwain?
God, silly.
238
00:17:57,330 --> 00:17:59,700
God is watching us.
Yeah.
239
00:17:59,710 --> 00:18:01,340
But not for kicks.
240
00:18:01,330 --> 00:18:03,750
I mean, the universe
isn't run by some big, old perv.
241
00:18:06,130 --> 00:18:08,050
What do you mean?
242
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:13,000
I mean, the same God
who made the rose
and the ocean made me.
243
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,750
My body is made
to have sex.
244
00:18:15,750 --> 00:18:19,200
Just like the rosebud
is made to open.
245
00:18:22,380 --> 00:18:23,630
Wow.
246
00:18:23,630 --> 00:18:25,380
We're in. Places, please.
247
00:18:25,380 --> 00:18:26,880
Short five. Sorry, everybody.
248
00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:31,210
The most powerful
sexual organ God gave us
is our brain.
249
00:18:32,380 --> 00:18:34,550
Think about it.
250
00:18:34,540 --> 00:18:35,750
Action.
251
00:18:38,460 --> 00:18:41,130
Okey-dokey, pokey.
252
00:18:46,170 --> 00:18:49,210
DWAIN: Cut! What now?
253
00:18:49,210 --> 00:18:51,380
I can't stop thinking
about God.
254
00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:53,800
And therefore,
I cannot achieve wood.
255
00:18:53,790 --> 00:18:55,080
I see.
256
00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:57,750
Sharonna, you got to
help me out here.
Baby, please?
257
00:18:57,750 --> 00:19:00,120
Forget it, Dwain.
If I'm late again
meeting Rusty,
258
00:19:00,130 --> 00:19:01,510
he's gonna get suspicious.
259
00:19:01,500 --> 00:19:03,500
Doesn't this guy ever go
to a video store?
260
00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:07,750
Hey, that's good.
261
00:19:07,750 --> 00:19:09,830
Be a great character
for you.
262
00:19:09,830 --> 00:19:14,660
We haven't done a schoolteacher
number in a while, not since
The Prime of Miss Jean's Booty.
263
00:19:14,670 --> 00:19:16,420
See ya.
Sharonna, please.
264
00:19:25,290 --> 00:19:27,620
Taxi! Taxi!
265
00:19:29,750 --> 00:19:31,620
Sharonna!
I'm in a hurry.
266
00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:53,410
Hey, guys, you seen
Miss Lynell around?
267
00:19:53,420 --> 00:19:54,960
Who?
268
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:57,920
Tellin' ya, bro.
She's two-timing you
with the librarian.
269
00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:00,340
Why don't we go to O'Neal's?
Drown out your sorrows.
270
00:20:00,330 --> 00:20:02,750
Rusty! Hey!
271
00:20:02,750 --> 00:20:04,790
Hi, sweetie.
272
00:20:04,790 --> 00:20:07,250
Thanks, guys. I'll catch you
in the "a.m.", Randy.
273
00:20:07,250 --> 00:20:10,000
Not if I catch you
first, firebug!
274
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,790
Where you been, princess?
275
00:20:11,790 --> 00:20:15,370
Oh, um, one of the foreign
students had a problem
straightening out his grammar.
276
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:19,380
Bye, guys!
277
00:20:21,630 --> 00:20:23,340
Not a very friendly group.
278
00:20:23,330 --> 00:20:25,080
They're never nice
to substitutes.
279
00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:36,300
Hello. Nice to see you,
Mr. and Mrs. Borman.
280
00:20:36,290 --> 00:20:39,160
Thank you.
Service entrance
is downstairs.
281
00:20:39,170 --> 00:20:40,710
Okay.
282
00:20:43,790 --> 00:20:46,290
Good evening.
Good evening.
283
00:20:46,290 --> 00:20:49,500
Lars, your sister
has locked herself
in the bathroom again.
284
00:20:49,500 --> 00:20:51,080
Please get her now.
285
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:06,080
Yo, swami. You really
see the future?
286
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:08,040
A couple more of these
and I do.
287
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:11,000
As many of you know,
our birthday girl
288
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:14,830
is on a little quest
for spirituality.
289
00:21:14,830 --> 00:21:16,580
Om.
290
00:21:22,460 --> 00:21:23,960
Om.
291
00:21:30,750 --> 00:21:32,370
LARS: Lex?
292
00:21:32,380 --> 00:21:35,510
One more "Om"
and then you have to
come to your party.
293
00:21:35,500 --> 00:21:38,450
It always has to be
what she wants,
even on my birthday.
294
00:21:38,460 --> 00:21:42,130
I wanted a Tibetean gathering
with a rinpoche.
295
00:21:42,130 --> 00:21:46,460
But no. She does
an Indian feast with a...
296
00:21:46,460 --> 00:21:49,050
World-famous swami.
297
00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:51,540
All those people
care about is sex and money.
298
00:21:51,540 --> 00:21:53,870
If they have the money,
they care about the sex.
299
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:56,010
If they have the sex,
they care about money.
300
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:59,290
And if they have both,
they feel guilty and raise money
for the opera.
301
00:21:59,290 --> 00:22:01,620
More tandoori in the library.
Swami, you're on.
302
00:22:07,210 --> 00:22:10,130
CHANTAL: Alexandra's searched
for so many years...
303
00:22:10,130 --> 00:22:12,130
...in the shoe department
at Bergdorf's...
304
00:22:13,580 --> 00:22:15,700
She has searched
for the perfect diet,
305
00:22:15,710 --> 00:22:18,630
the perfect
rock-star boyfriend.
306
00:22:18,630 --> 00:22:23,840
Yes, well, it seems Lexi
will search for anything
except steady employment.
307
00:22:25,380 --> 00:22:29,010
So, dear Lexi, in honor
of your current fixation,
308
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:32,330
I give you Swami Bu.
309
00:22:32,330 --> 00:22:34,540
VIJAY: Swami Bu has gone
to another dimension.
310
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:37,760
I swear she was 16.
311
00:22:37,750 --> 00:22:40,250
Mrs. Von Austerberg
is going to kill me!
312
00:22:40,250 --> 00:22:43,450
She paid a lot of money
for a swami, and now
we have no swami.
313
00:22:43,460 --> 00:22:44,710
We have jack shit.
314
00:22:44,710 --> 00:22:46,420
Or we don't have jack shit.
315
00:22:46,420 --> 00:22:48,010
I don't know which one it is!
316
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:50,500
What we do have
is a drunk bastard! You...
317
00:22:51,580 --> 00:22:53,040
Didn't I fire you?
318
00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:55,870
Rasphal, I was just wondering
about my job.
319
00:22:57,710 --> 00:22:59,920
You really want your job back?
320
00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:01,710
Mr. Ramu "Tom Cruise" Gupta?
321
00:23:05,290 --> 00:23:06,830
Swami Bu.
322
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:12,340
Swami Bu!
323
00:23:12,330 --> 00:23:14,700
I'm conjuring up
a swami.
324
00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:20,840
Oh, here he is.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Swami Bu.
325
00:23:31,630 --> 00:23:34,010
Not long ago,
326
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:37,330
a wise man told me that
all people care about
327
00:23:37,330 --> 00:23:40,580
is sex and money
and opera.
328
00:23:42,460 --> 00:23:44,630
Now, my-myself, I...
329
00:23:44,630 --> 00:23:48,380
I don't have any money,
well, because I'm a swami.
330
00:23:48,380 --> 00:23:52,760
And, uh, swamis
don't like opera,
331
00:23:52,750 --> 00:23:55,410
because, well,
you can't dance to it.
332
00:23:58,460 --> 00:24:01,010
So I will talk to you about sex.
333
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:02,450
What did you pay for this?
334
00:24:04,170 --> 00:24:06,050
God, is it hot in here.
335
00:24:08,420 --> 00:24:09,760
God...
336
00:24:11,380 --> 00:24:13,670
God... wants us to have sex.
337
00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:18,040
And if God wants us
to have sex,
338
00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:21,040
then, well,
it can't be bad.
339
00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:24,870
Because the universe isn't run
by a big old perv.
340
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:26,760
Glad he cleared
that up.
341
00:24:26,750 --> 00:24:29,290
Your naked body...
342
00:24:29,290 --> 00:24:32,580
...is like a costume
that you wear
to be yourself.
343
00:24:33,710 --> 00:24:35,260
Be comfortable...
344
00:24:36,540 --> 00:24:38,080
...in your nakedness.
345
00:24:42,750 --> 00:24:48,250
The most powerful
sexual organ God gave you
is your brain.
346
00:24:51,330 --> 00:24:52,790
Think about it.
347
00:24:54,750 --> 00:24:57,000
Are you thinking?
348
00:24:57,000 --> 00:24:58,620
My whole body
is about to think.
349
00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:07,750
And like roses are made
to open, so must you.
350
00:25:07,750 --> 00:25:11,790
You... must open
your rosebud.
351
00:25:19,460 --> 00:25:20,800
Dance is like love.
352
00:25:23,580 --> 00:25:25,120
Join me.
353
00:25:28,330 --> 00:25:30,040
Follow your inner beat.
354
00:25:35,130 --> 00:25:36,960
Is he doing
the Macarena?
355
00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:39,050
Looks like it.
356
00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:41,370
Isn't that the...
357
00:25:41,380 --> 00:25:45,960
I think it's one of
those dervish spiritual
trance dance things.
358
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:47,880
Huh.
359
00:26:20,790 --> 00:26:22,580
That's it. Come on.
360
00:26:36,540 --> 00:26:39,250
I thought we were
just going to do
some light chanting.
361
00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:27,760
The Macarena, man.
362
00:27:27,750 --> 00:27:29,080
Oh, shut up.
363
00:27:31,210 --> 00:27:33,670
Swami Bu!
364
00:27:33,670 --> 00:27:36,420
We're going clubbing.
You want to come?
365
00:27:36,420 --> 00:27:38,880
Unless it's against
your religion or something.
366
00:27:38,880 --> 00:27:40,840
Oh, no. My religion
believes in clubbing.
367
00:27:53,630 --> 00:27:55,670
Swami Bu!
Call me Ramu.
368
00:28:03,170 --> 00:28:06,010
Ooh. Candles.
We need candles.
369
00:28:10,580 --> 00:28:13,120
Can't have spiritual sex
without candles.
370
00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:18,620
You must use a lot
of candles in India.
371
00:28:18,630 --> 00:28:20,340
When the electricity goes out.
372
00:28:25,210 --> 00:28:27,590
Undress me slowly,
373
00:28:27,580 --> 00:28:31,040
spiritually,
like a goddess.
374
00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:33,750
Pretend I'm, um, Vishnu.
375
00:28:35,130 --> 00:28:37,420
Vishnu is a man.
376
00:28:37,420 --> 00:28:38,960
Kali?
377
00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:41,840
Kali is the goddess
of death and destruction.
378
00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:44,840
Okay.
Death and destruction.
379
00:28:48,210 --> 00:28:50,380
Music!
380
00:28:50,380 --> 00:28:51,840
We need music.
381
00:28:53,880 --> 00:28:55,340
Not really, no.
382
00:28:57,630 --> 00:28:59,090
This is perfect.
383
00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:01,830
It's the Guatemalan Boys Choir.
384
00:29:01,830 --> 00:29:03,250
They're deaf.
385
00:29:12,130 --> 00:29:15,420
I'm having sex with a guru.
386
00:29:18,460 --> 00:29:22,340
Oh, it's so powerful.
I can stand alone.
387
00:29:22,330 --> 00:29:26,000
Feels like we're doing it
right now.
388
00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:29,370
From there, it's like...
Feels like we're doing it.
389
00:29:29,380 --> 00:29:33,170
Right now, from there,
it's like you're pulsating
through me.
390
00:29:33,170 --> 00:29:34,760
It's better from here.
Trust me.
391
00:29:37,630 --> 00:29:40,590
Guru, what is
the most sacred position?
392
00:29:42,330 --> 00:29:45,910
You may find this hard
to believe, but in India,
guru sex is very fast.
393
00:29:45,920 --> 00:29:48,550
What about the slow,
chanting, 200
394
00:29:48,540 --> 00:29:50,500
That's Tibet.
Oh.
395
00:29:50,500 --> 00:29:52,540
Where I come from,
we do it very fast.
396
00:29:52,540 --> 00:29:54,580
Like wild monkeys at sundown.
397
00:29:54,580 --> 00:29:57,200
And if we don't, the evil
spirits might grab our tails
398
00:29:57,210 --> 00:29:59,090
and throw us
into the next jungle.
399
00:30:10,500 --> 00:30:12,450
You know what?
Don't get me started.
400
00:30:13,540 --> 00:30:15,450
You know what
Father Flanagan says.
401
00:30:15,460 --> 00:30:19,170
"How are you going
to teach kids values if you
haven't lived them yourself?"
402
00:30:19,170 --> 00:30:21,920
Are you gonna hate me
if I make you wait?
No, I love you.
403
00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:23,800
I'm proud to save
myself for you.
404
00:30:25,710 --> 00:30:27,630
You know what?
You're the best.
405
00:30:30,880 --> 00:30:33,130
Honey, could I ask you
a question?
Huh?
406
00:30:33,130 --> 00:30:36,340
How does a nice Catholic
schoolgirl like yourself
learn how to make
407
00:30:36,330 --> 00:30:39,040
all those sexy little sounds?
408
00:30:39,040 --> 00:30:41,950
Me and my friends
used to practice kissing.
409
00:30:41,960 --> 00:30:45,670
On our hands.
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
410
00:30:47,250 --> 00:30:48,950
( sports presenter
speaking on TV )
411
00:30:48,960 --> 00:30:51,840
That's silly.
The second half is starting.
412
00:31:22,580 --> 00:31:26,620
LEXI: Remember
when I had that thing with
my African drumming teacher?
413
00:31:26,630 --> 00:31:30,050
I don't know.
He just got really needy.
414
00:31:30,040 --> 00:31:32,790
But this one
is the real thing.
415
00:31:32,790 --> 00:31:34,660
Not a lot of people
know about him yet.
416
00:31:34,670 --> 00:31:36,880
It's up to me to get
his message out there.
417
00:31:36,880 --> 00:31:39,760
Anyway, he's gonna be bigger
than Deepak Chopra.
418
00:31:39,750 --> 00:31:43,200
Ramu is the guru of sex.
419
00:31:43,210 --> 00:31:47,130
♪ What a man
what a man, what a man
what a mighty good man ♪
420
00:31:47,130 --> 00:31:50,800
♪ Say it again, now
What a man, what a man
what a man ♪
421
00:31:50,790 --> 00:31:53,200
♪ What a mighty good man ♪
422
00:31:53,210 --> 00:31:58,300
♪ Yes, he is
a mighty, mighty good man ♪
423
00:31:58,290 --> 00:32:00,450
"The guru of sex."
424
00:32:00,460 --> 00:32:03,670
She really thinks
you can be as famous
as Deepak Chopra?
425
00:32:03,670 --> 00:32:06,170
Who is he?
Does he dance?
No.
426
00:32:06,170 --> 00:32:08,710
He tells Americans
how to get rich
and be happy.
427
00:32:08,710 --> 00:32:11,300
I thought they knew.
428
00:32:11,290 --> 00:32:13,790
You even tried
the Kama Sutra?
No.
429
00:32:13,790 --> 00:32:15,750
Have you?
A little.
430
00:32:16,790 --> 00:32:18,040
By myself.
431
00:32:19,790 --> 00:32:24,000
But, Vijay,
I don't want to be a guru.
I want to be an actor.
432
00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:25,700
Then act like a guru.
433
00:32:25,710 --> 00:32:27,840
It's better than acting
like a waiter.
434
00:32:27,830 --> 00:32:30,540
So who writes the lines
for Deepak Chopra?
435
00:32:30,540 --> 00:32:34,200
They're not lines.
He has a philosophy and shit.
436
00:32:34,210 --> 00:32:37,380
These guru types
don't just put on turbans
and screw chicks.
437
00:32:37,380 --> 00:32:40,840
They say profound things
they've been thinking about
for centuries.
438
00:32:40,830 --> 00:32:44,080
The point is, the guy's
made a gazillion dollars.
439
00:32:44,080 --> 00:32:46,330
A gazillion dollars?
440
00:32:46,330 --> 00:32:48,830
What's that in rupees?
I don't think
they have that many.
441
00:32:50,500 --> 00:32:53,250
"Sex guru."
Why didn't I think of that?
442
00:33:02,250 --> 00:33:04,870
LEXI: I want the suede,
not the leather.
443
00:33:04,880 --> 00:33:07,590
I want every color.
No, I'm staying in town.
444
00:33:07,580 --> 00:33:09,700
Have them sent to New York.
445
00:33:09,710 --> 00:33:11,460
Okay? I got to go.
446
00:33:13,540 --> 00:33:15,410
Guru Ramu.
447
00:33:15,420 --> 00:33:17,760
Thank you
for gracing me
with your presence.
448
00:33:17,750 --> 00:33:19,790
Champagne?
449
00:33:19,790 --> 00:33:23,540
I hope you don't mind.
I invited Amy along to join us.
She's a journalist.
450
00:33:23,540 --> 00:33:26,120
A journalist?
451
00:33:26,130 --> 00:33:27,510
No.
452
00:33:31,380 --> 00:33:36,380
So, as the son of
the maharaja, when did
you have your epiphany?
453
00:33:36,380 --> 00:33:39,760
When I was 15.
454
00:33:39,750 --> 00:33:41,500
Tell us everything.
455
00:33:41,500 --> 00:33:44,870
It was... "I'll touch yours,
you touch mine."
456
00:33:44,880 --> 00:33:46,170
No big deal.
457
00:33:49,170 --> 00:33:51,840
Oh. Um,
458
00:33:51,830 --> 00:33:53,700
do you know
who or what you were
459
00:33:53,710 --> 00:33:56,380
in any of your
previous incarnations?
460
00:33:58,540 --> 00:34:00,830
Dessert?
461
00:34:00,830 --> 00:34:02,830
AMY: Oh, that's me.
462
00:34:05,580 --> 00:34:08,790
Seems like you're
holding back just a little.
463
00:34:08,790 --> 00:34:11,330
The stuff you said
at my party was
so much more powerful.
464
00:34:11,330 --> 00:34:14,290
God and the rosebud
and the naked costume
and all that.
465
00:34:14,290 --> 00:34:17,830
Right. You know, Lexi,
maybe I'm not the one
to do all this.
466
00:34:19,380 --> 00:34:20,760
Wow!
467
00:34:24,290 --> 00:34:27,040
Oh, Alexandra. Hi.
468
00:34:27,040 --> 00:34:29,790
How's your mother?
Ugh. Remarkably lifelike.
469
00:34:29,790 --> 00:34:31,500
Guru Ramu, Kitty.
470
00:34:31,500 --> 00:34:34,370
Guru?
Does he do privates?
471
00:34:34,380 --> 00:34:36,590
Does he ever.
Tuesday?
472
00:34:36,580 --> 00:34:38,120
Perfect.
Heaven.
473
00:34:38,130 --> 00:34:39,210
Ciao.
474
00:34:41,290 --> 00:34:43,580
You do privates, right?
475
00:34:47,500 --> 00:34:49,160
Adios, Waldo.
Great job today.
476
00:34:49,170 --> 00:34:50,590
Thanks.
477
00:34:53,080 --> 00:34:55,000
Hi. It's me.
478
00:34:55,000 --> 00:34:57,160
Rammy.
Hello.
479
00:34:57,170 --> 00:35:00,210
I just wanted to apologize
for what happened
on the set.
480
00:35:00,210 --> 00:35:02,510
I got paid.
481
00:35:02,500 --> 00:35:05,040
Excuse me, sir.
So sorry.
Hey, watch it, pal.
482
00:35:08,040 --> 00:35:10,450
So sorry. Pardon me.
483
00:35:10,460 --> 00:35:13,170
Excuse me, ma'am.
484
00:35:13,170 --> 00:35:15,090
Hello, again.
485
00:35:15,080 --> 00:35:17,160
So now you're stalking me?
486
00:35:17,170 --> 00:35:20,710
No, I was hoping perhaps
I could buy you a cup of tea.
487
00:35:20,710 --> 00:35:22,550
Oh, I don't do that.
488
00:35:22,540 --> 00:35:24,040
Perhaps a coffee then?
489
00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:27,250
Look, Rammy,
I'm engaged to
a nice, normal guy.
490
00:35:27,250 --> 00:35:30,410
You know how hard it is
to find a nice, normal guy
in this city?
491
00:35:30,420 --> 00:35:32,340
Mm-hmm.
Right?
492
00:35:32,330 --> 00:35:34,870
I just want your help
with a professional problem.
493
00:35:34,880 --> 00:35:38,170
Look, would you stop worrying
about it? A lot of guys
can't get it up.
494
00:35:41,330 --> 00:35:42,910
You don't understand.
495
00:35:42,920 --> 00:35:45,550
People are telling me
I could be the next
Deepak Chopra.
496
00:35:45,540 --> 00:35:47,870
Well, I'm not familiar
with Deep-Pack...
497
00:35:47,880 --> 00:35:52,510
...because I don't actually
watch dirty movies on account of
my fiancee's kind of religious.
498
00:35:52,500 --> 00:35:55,000
No. I have an opportunity
to make a lot of money.
499
00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:58,700
Duh! Why do you think
I got into this business?
'Cause it was interesting?
500
00:35:58,710 --> 00:36:01,420
In three years, I saved up
enough money to buy a house
501
00:36:01,420 --> 00:36:03,550
in Throgs Neck and to pay for
the wedding.
502
00:36:03,540 --> 00:36:05,790
Mulberry Street.
Do you want to see the cake?
503
00:36:08,250 --> 00:36:10,790
Hi, I'm Sherri,
I called earlier.
Are you Tony?
504
00:36:10,790 --> 00:36:12,500
Yeah, I got everything
over there.
505
00:36:19,040 --> 00:36:22,160
SHARONNA: That is so...
TONY: Expensive.
It's 800 dollars.
506
00:36:24,580 --> 00:36:26,790
See this one? This is
more in your price range.
507
00:36:28,080 --> 00:36:29,700
Hmm.
508
00:36:31,670 --> 00:36:34,260
That's very nice too.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
509
00:36:34,250 --> 00:36:36,540
Actually, sir,
we will order this one.
510
00:36:36,540 --> 00:36:38,200
I want my lovely bride
to be happy.
511
00:36:38,210 --> 00:36:39,840
Rammy, no.
512
00:36:39,830 --> 00:36:43,200
TONY: Now, you two kids discuss
it amongst yourselves, okay?
513
00:36:43,210 --> 00:36:45,800
Rammy, 800 dollars is too much.
I can't accept that.
514
00:36:45,790 --> 00:36:47,410
It's not a gift.
515
00:36:47,420 --> 00:36:50,840
I want you to be my teacher,
and I'm happy to pay
for this privilege.
516
00:36:57,380 --> 00:36:58,760
Okay.
517
00:37:24,290 --> 00:37:25,700
Yeah, come on in.
518
00:37:26,830 --> 00:37:29,410
If this is a bad time,
I can come back later.
519
00:37:29,420 --> 00:37:31,010
What am I doing here?
520
00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:32,370
Isn't this your apartment?
521
00:37:32,380 --> 00:37:34,670
What? Yes,
this is my apartment.
522
00:37:34,670 --> 00:37:37,010
What am I doing
letting you into my apartment?
523
00:37:37,000 --> 00:37:40,370
The other day you said...
Rusty, my boyfriend,
he doesn't know anything
524
00:37:40,380 --> 00:37:42,840
about my X-rated job
out there in the real world.
525
00:37:42,830 --> 00:37:45,790
He thinks that I'm a PG-13 girl,
that I'm a nice, normal girl.
526
00:37:45,790 --> 00:37:47,660
You are.
What?
527
00:37:47,670 --> 00:37:50,170
A nice, normal girl.
528
00:37:50,170 --> 00:37:51,460
You think so?
529
00:37:54,040 --> 00:37:56,450
Wait a second.
Do not flirt with me.
530
00:37:56,460 --> 00:37:59,590
Do not. That is
rule number one.
531
00:37:59,580 --> 00:38:02,250
Okay? And no little
gifts either.
532
00:38:02,250 --> 00:38:05,910
Rule number two.
You don't try to hit on me
or grope me or take advantage
533
00:38:05,920 --> 00:38:08,300
of any situation that you
might find a turn-on.
534
00:38:08,290 --> 00:38:10,370
Do you understand?
This is just a lesson.
535
00:38:10,380 --> 00:38:12,260
I'm a teacher
and you are the student.
536
00:38:12,250 --> 00:38:14,790
Of course!
No touchy-feely.
537
00:38:14,790 --> 00:38:16,910
If you touchy-feely me,
I will hurt you.
538
00:38:16,920 --> 00:38:19,420
I will cause you pain.
I know the art of karate.
539
00:38:21,460 --> 00:38:23,090
Okay.
540
00:38:23,080 --> 00:38:25,250
Okay, rule number three.
541
00:38:25,250 --> 00:38:27,500
If we're gonna do this,
you have to promise me
542
00:38:27,500 --> 00:38:29,660
that everything I say
stays in this room.
543
00:38:29,670 --> 00:38:32,210
You can't tell anyone.
Not a single soul.
544
00:38:32,210 --> 00:38:33,550
See, you don't understand.
545
00:38:33,540 --> 00:38:34,790
Then you can leave right now.
546
00:38:42,250 --> 00:38:44,500
But of course.
547
00:38:44,500 --> 00:38:46,330
Okay. Let's get started.
548
00:38:51,460 --> 00:38:53,420
So the other day,
what happened?
549
00:38:53,420 --> 00:38:55,380
Why did you lose it?
550
00:38:55,380 --> 00:38:57,800
I was afraid.
551
00:38:57,790 --> 00:39:01,580
There were 20 people around,
many drinking coffee,
watching me.
552
00:39:01,580 --> 00:39:03,450
Exactly. Fear.
553
00:39:03,460 --> 00:39:05,840
Fear is cold.
It freezes us up.
554
00:39:05,830 --> 00:39:10,620
Fear of performance, fear of,
um, doing something bad,
something dirty.
555
00:39:10,630 --> 00:39:13,260
What would our parents think?
What do we think?
556
00:39:13,250 --> 00:39:15,330
Do you know where
we hold our fears?
557
00:39:15,330 --> 00:39:17,000
Up here.
558
00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:18,620
Further south.
559
00:39:18,630 --> 00:39:21,460
That's why sex
is such a release.
560
00:39:25,750 --> 00:39:28,500
When we come,
we let go of our fears.
561
00:39:28,500 --> 00:39:31,830
And when we
let go of our fears,
we touch our soul.
562
00:39:33,210 --> 00:39:35,510
So the way I look at it is,
563
00:39:35,500 --> 00:39:38,700
my pussy is the door to my soul.
564
00:39:43,330 --> 00:39:45,870
Why are you afraid, Kitty?
565
00:39:45,880 --> 00:39:47,670
What makes you think
I'm afraid?
566
00:39:50,290 --> 00:39:51,660
I feel it.
567
00:39:53,460 --> 00:39:55,210
Please, close your eyes.
568
00:39:58,790 --> 00:40:00,410
We have so many fears.
569
00:40:02,290 --> 00:40:03,660
Fear of performance.
570
00:40:04,750 --> 00:40:06,830
Fear of doing
something bad.
571
00:40:08,250 --> 00:40:09,830
Fear of what
people will think.
572
00:40:11,210 --> 00:40:15,090
Yes. Yes, yes.
573
00:40:15,080 --> 00:40:19,290
And, uh, do you know where
we hold our fears?
574
00:40:19,290 --> 00:40:23,870
Between our eyebrows
where we get those
yucky little lines?
575
00:40:25,420 --> 00:40:27,920
In our genitals.
576
00:40:27,920 --> 00:40:31,630
That is why sex
is such a release.
577
00:40:31,630 --> 00:40:35,340
When we come,
we let go of our fears...
578
00:40:35,330 --> 00:40:37,870
...and when you
let go of your fears,
you touch your soul.
579
00:40:41,460 --> 00:40:45,210
Your pussy
is the door to your soul.
580
00:40:49,880 --> 00:40:53,760
So, if I touch myself here...
581
00:40:53,750 --> 00:40:55,160
Kitty?
582
00:40:56,380 --> 00:40:57,840
I won't be afraid.
583
00:41:02,960 --> 00:41:06,130
Oh. Uh, excuse me.
How much do I owe you?
584
00:41:07,960 --> 00:41:09,760
Uh, what you wish.
585
00:41:09,750 --> 00:41:13,790
I'm sorry. I, um...
I need to be by myself.
586
00:41:16,670 --> 00:41:19,800
Lexi, he is beyond insightful.
587
00:41:19,790 --> 00:41:21,620
I have to go.
588
00:41:21,630 --> 00:41:25,460
Thank you.
You're welcome. It was
nice to meet... you.
589
00:41:25,460 --> 00:41:27,300
Wow. And she paid me.
590
00:41:29,380 --> 00:41:31,050
You're incredible.
591
00:41:31,040 --> 00:41:34,910
Kitty's such an unhappy person,
and you helped her so much.
592
00:41:34,920 --> 00:41:38,260
Just think, there are
so many unhappy people
out there.
593
00:41:38,250 --> 00:41:40,580
I know most of them.
594
00:41:40,580 --> 00:41:42,950
We can help them together.
I really want to do that.
595
00:41:42,960 --> 00:41:46,210
I've never really done
anything, you know?
596
00:41:46,210 --> 00:41:49,090
Can we do that?
Can we...
597
00:41:49,080 --> 00:41:51,080
Can we help mankind?
598
00:41:51,080 --> 00:41:53,160
I really want to help mankind.
599
00:41:53,170 --> 00:41:54,510
Cool.
600
00:41:57,420 --> 00:42:01,460
o thousand dollars!
601
00:42:01,460 --> 00:42:03,170
It's bloody incredible!
602
00:42:04,630 --> 00:42:07,710
But it's not my wisdom.
It's Sharonna's.
603
00:42:07,710 --> 00:42:10,880
She's giving me
lessons in porno movies,
I can't tell her the truth,
604
00:42:10,880 --> 00:42:13,210
because she made me promise
not to tell anyone.
605
00:42:13,210 --> 00:42:15,130
Great!
Oh, Vij, be serious.
606
00:42:15,130 --> 00:42:17,340
I am, yaar.
607
00:42:17,330 --> 00:42:20,370
Get her wisdom and use it.
608
00:42:20,380 --> 00:42:23,010
Don't you want
to be a star?
Yes.
609
00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:26,450
How do you think
that's going to happen
if you're not a guru?
610
00:42:26,460 --> 00:42:30,090
Name one Indian star
in America. Name one!
611
00:42:31,130 --> 00:42:33,050
That guy from The Simpsons.
612
00:42:33,040 --> 00:42:34,620
He's a cartoon.
613
00:42:36,670 --> 00:42:39,800
Don't you guys have to be
at the restaurant?
614
00:42:39,790 --> 00:42:42,120
Ramu's got a new job.
615
00:42:42,130 --> 00:42:43,590
You're gonna be
a cab driver?
616
00:42:46,880 --> 00:42:48,710
No.
617
00:42:48,710 --> 00:42:51,130
I'm going to be a guru!
618
00:42:52,250 --> 00:42:54,120
Cheers, Guruji.
619
00:43:02,670 --> 00:43:05,010
Ah! Vij!
620
00:43:08,790 --> 00:43:12,290
Come on. You wanna
get comfortable in your
naked costume, don't you?
621
00:43:12,290 --> 00:43:14,830
You need to be comfortable
with your own body.
622
00:43:14,830 --> 00:43:17,160
Okey-dokey, pokey.
623
00:43:18,630 --> 00:43:21,010
Great. Aah!
624
00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:22,410
Your nakedness.
625
00:43:22,420 --> 00:43:24,210
SHARONNA: Say that five times.
626
00:43:24,210 --> 00:43:27,550
I'm a good lover.
I'm a good lover.
627
00:43:27,540 --> 00:43:31,080
And again.
I'm a good lover.
628
00:43:31,080 --> 00:43:33,040
I'm a good lover.
629
00:43:33,920 --> 00:43:36,170
Lover.
630
00:43:38,880 --> 00:43:40,420
I deserve pleasure.
631
00:43:41,920 --> 00:43:44,170
Budweiser, the maharaja
of beers.
632
00:43:49,830 --> 00:43:51,830
Next.
633
00:43:53,670 --> 00:43:56,090
You two are gonna have
a wonderful weekend.
634
00:43:57,630 --> 00:44:00,800
♪ Oh, got the best of my love ♪
635
00:44:00,790 --> 00:44:03,580
♪ Whoa, whoa ♪
636
00:44:03,580 --> 00:44:05,580
I'm a good lover.
Thank you, very good.
637
00:44:05,580 --> 00:44:07,540
I'm a good lover.
That was good! Stop!
638
00:44:07,540 --> 00:44:10,910
♪ You got the best of my love
Whoa, whoa ♪
639
00:44:10,920 --> 00:44:12,670
♪ You got the best of my love ♪
640
00:44:14,040 --> 00:44:18,700
Guru, my brother golfs with
the Maharaja of Jaipur, Bubbles,
641
00:44:18,710 --> 00:44:20,710
and he says
he's never heard of you.
642
00:44:22,250 --> 00:44:24,120
Well, it's a big country.
643
00:44:24,130 --> 00:44:27,050
Gurus shun the life
of wealth and materialism.
644
00:44:27,040 --> 00:44:30,950
Swami Muktananda
said everything is made
of divine consciousness,
645
00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:34,050
and its innermost form
dwells in the center of us all.
646
00:44:37,710 --> 00:44:40,050
Wow. That's good.
647
00:44:47,750 --> 00:44:49,450
Lexi, can I see you
in the kitchen?
648
00:44:51,880 --> 00:44:53,090
Do you know where it is?
649
00:45:01,750 --> 00:45:03,870
So, Guru...
650
00:45:03,880 --> 00:45:06,420
What would you tell a couple
that has hit a wall?
651
00:45:07,630 --> 00:45:09,710
"Are you all right?
652
00:45:09,710 --> 00:45:11,130
"Can I get you a doctor?"
653
00:45:17,210 --> 00:45:19,460
What in heaven's name
are you doing?
654
00:45:19,460 --> 00:45:21,800
Being happy for a change.
655
00:45:21,790 --> 00:45:23,250
Freely expressing my sexuality.
656
00:45:23,250 --> 00:45:27,250
You are sucking face
with your yoga instructor.
657
00:45:27,250 --> 00:45:29,620
He's not my yoga instructor.
And so what if I am?
658
00:45:29,630 --> 00:45:33,630
Darling, we don't date the help.
659
00:45:33,630 --> 00:45:36,590
Remember what happened
with Aunt Eujanie
and that U.P.S. man?
660
00:45:36,580 --> 00:45:39,700
News flash, Mother.
Not all people of color
are here to serve you.
661
00:45:39,710 --> 00:45:41,340
How dare you say that?
662
00:45:41,330 --> 00:45:43,750
I have served meals
to the homeless.
663
00:45:43,750 --> 00:45:47,250
Good meals.
Things I'd still eat myself
if I still ate carbs.
664
00:45:47,250 --> 00:45:50,540
At any rate,
you are making our guests
feel very uncomfortable.
665
00:45:50,540 --> 00:45:52,330
Ha! They'll get over it!
666
00:45:59,380 --> 00:46:01,670
Darling, come join.
667
00:46:01,670 --> 00:46:03,210
Hi.
668
00:46:03,210 --> 00:46:07,090
MALE GUEST: Yes.
RAMU: Thank you very much.
669
00:46:07,080 --> 00:46:11,040
SHARONNA:
Can you feel it in your mouth?
Can you taste it?
670
00:46:11,040 --> 00:46:15,120
The taste is sweet.
The taste is...
671
00:46:16,630 --> 00:46:18,880
Mint chocolate chip.
672
00:46:18,880 --> 00:46:20,550
Okay. You can
open your eyes now.
673
00:46:22,380 --> 00:46:24,260
I got that
from an acting class.
674
00:46:24,250 --> 00:46:26,410
It helps when you don't
click with someone.
675
00:46:26,420 --> 00:46:28,550
Remember that
we have five senses,
676
00:46:28,540 --> 00:46:30,370
and using them
can make anything sexy.
677
00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:36,040
So, uh, why do you
do these movies?
678
00:46:38,790 --> 00:46:41,870
If you're having doubts
about the business,
you should quit now.
679
00:46:41,880 --> 00:46:43,260
Trust me.
680
00:46:47,880 --> 00:46:50,670
Ah. You like to cook.
Mm-hmm.
681
00:46:51,790 --> 00:46:54,040
Well, in India we call that
a "homely girl."
682
00:46:55,420 --> 00:46:58,260
You know, a girl who likes
to do things in the home.
683
00:46:58,250 --> 00:47:00,160
Yeah, that's me.
Homely girl.
684
00:47:01,500 --> 00:47:03,000
Can I taste?
685
00:47:11,000 --> 00:47:12,580
Hmm.
686
00:47:16,750 --> 00:47:19,950
Cinnamon? Hey.
That's lamb stew.
Mm.
687
00:47:19,960 --> 00:47:21,760
Yeah
It has no flavor.
688
00:47:22,830 --> 00:47:25,200
Come on. Taste.
689
00:47:30,830 --> 00:47:33,750
Mmm. Hmm!
690
00:47:33,750 --> 00:47:35,040
Are you flirting
with me?
691
00:47:36,330 --> 00:47:37,910
No.
692
00:47:37,920 --> 00:47:40,010
No. No, no, no, no. No.
693
00:47:40,000 --> 00:47:42,160
Gotcha.
694
00:47:42,170 --> 00:47:44,670
Don't take everything
so seriously.
695
00:47:44,670 --> 00:47:46,880
All right. Well,
that's it for today.
696
00:47:46,880 --> 00:47:49,260
Okay.
697
00:47:49,250 --> 00:47:52,620
Oh, and, uh, Rammy,
I use mint chocolate chip too.
698
00:48:05,630 --> 00:48:08,880
Edward, is that you?
699
00:48:08,880 --> 00:48:12,960
What's wrong?
You haven't been up here since
the Reagan administration.
700
00:48:19,540 --> 00:48:21,410
It's Bush time.
701
00:48:32,330 --> 00:48:35,200
And tell Josh that a lot of
agents wanted to sign him.
702
00:48:35,210 --> 00:48:37,170
Lexi.
703
00:48:37,170 --> 00:48:40,090
Look, we met
at Dr. Sid's retreat
for neurotic compulsives.
704
00:48:40,080 --> 00:48:42,450
Ooh. I'm not supposed
to say that.
705
00:48:42,460 --> 00:48:45,340
Just tell him
Lexi who wouldn't go
to the Oscars with him.
706
00:48:45,330 --> 00:48:47,580
Don't say that.
Just, uh, tell him Lexi, okay?
707
00:48:47,580 --> 00:48:50,000
He'll know who I am. Ciao.
708
00:48:50,000 --> 00:48:52,410
Get up. We have
a trainer at 10:00.
709
00:48:52,420 --> 00:48:54,050
Mm. 10:00.
710
00:48:55,460 --> 00:48:58,590
Oh, I have to go.
I have an appointment.
711
00:48:58,580 --> 00:49:01,160
You didn't tell me that.
I planned my day around you.
712
00:49:01,170 --> 00:49:05,010
I was gonna buy you sweaters.
I'm sorry, Lexi,
but I have my own life too.
713
00:49:06,130 --> 00:49:08,510
Well, you can't
do this to me.
714
00:49:08,500 --> 00:49:10,330
You can't just go
and not tell me where!
715
00:49:12,330 --> 00:49:14,750
Guru!
716
00:49:14,750 --> 00:49:16,370
I have
abandonment issues!
717
00:49:18,960 --> 00:49:22,340
Okay, now I'm gonna
tell you something
I've never told anyone,
718
00:49:22,330 --> 00:49:24,500
but it's really helped me
more than anything.
719
00:49:24,500 --> 00:49:26,750
I can't even believe
I'm telling you this.
720
00:49:26,750 --> 00:49:30,370
You don't have to tell me
if you don't want to.
No, I want to.
721
00:49:30,380 --> 00:49:32,210
Okay. One of
the biggest problems
722
00:49:32,210 --> 00:49:34,550
is making something mechanical
look romantic.
723
00:49:34,540 --> 00:49:37,790
So music can help.
724
00:49:37,790 --> 00:49:40,000
I love music.
Me too.
725
00:49:40,000 --> 00:49:45,750
So what I do
is I hear and I feel
the music in my body.
726
00:49:47,630 --> 00:49:49,210
What music?
727
00:49:49,210 --> 00:49:50,880
Songs. Romantic songs.
728
00:49:50,880 --> 00:49:54,550
I let it sing, and then
the rest of me follows.
729
00:49:56,460 --> 00:49:58,460
I'll show you.
Name a song.
730
00:49:59,790 --> 00:50:01,450
"La Bamba."
731
00:50:02,920 --> 00:50:07,210
♪ La-la-la-la ♪
732
00:50:07,210 --> 00:50:09,210
That doesn't work.
It has to be romantic.
733
00:50:09,210 --> 00:50:11,460
It has to send love
through your loins.
734
00:50:13,380 --> 00:50:15,050
Here.
735
00:50:18,580 --> 00:50:21,790
♪ Don't go changing ♪
736
00:50:21,790 --> 00:50:26,080
♪ To try and please me ♪
737
00:50:26,080 --> 00:50:29,500
♪ You've never
let me down ♪
738
00:50:29,500 --> 00:50:31,410
♪ Before ♪
739
00:50:31,420 --> 00:50:33,460
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
740
00:50:35,380 --> 00:50:37,090
Did you see what I was doing?
741
00:50:37,080 --> 00:50:39,870
Mm. Yeah.
742
00:50:39,880 --> 00:50:43,550
It's like on certain words
the passion comes through
my body.
743
00:50:43,540 --> 00:50:47,330
It's like I can
actually feel Billy Joel
between my legs.
744
00:50:47,330 --> 00:50:50,500
Not Billy Joel
the person, but...
745
00:50:50,500 --> 00:50:54,700
...the romance, the sweetness,
the intention of his words.
746
00:50:54,710 --> 00:50:56,460
So now you try it.
747
00:50:56,460 --> 00:50:58,550
Okay.
748
00:51:01,290 --> 00:51:04,660
♪ Don't go changing ♪
749
00:51:04,670 --> 00:51:07,630
♪ To try and please me ♪
You're not trying
to make a point.
750
00:51:07,630 --> 00:51:10,300
You're trying
to touch your soul.
So I'll do it with you.
751
00:51:11,960 --> 00:51:15,630
BOTH: ♪ You never let me down ♪
752
00:51:15,630 --> 00:51:18,010
♪ Before ♪
753
00:51:18,000 --> 00:51:21,950
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
754
00:51:21,960 --> 00:51:25,300
♪ I don't imagine ♪
755
00:51:25,290 --> 00:51:27,700
♪ You're... ♪
♪ Too familiar ♪
756
00:51:27,710 --> 00:51:29,550
Here. Why don't you
get on top of me?
757
00:51:29,540 --> 00:51:33,580
It's the only way
you're gonna learn.
What?
758
00:51:37,880 --> 00:51:39,630
Oh. Sorry.
759
00:51:44,420 --> 00:51:47,510
♪ Don't go trying ♪
760
00:51:47,500 --> 00:51:49,620
♪ Some new fashion ♪
761
00:51:51,080 --> 00:51:53,700
♪ Don't change the color ♪
762
00:51:53,710 --> 00:51:55,670
♪ Of your hair ♪
763
00:52:04,830 --> 00:52:07,370
♪ I don't want clever ♪
764
00:52:09,380 --> 00:52:11,590
♪ Conversation ♪
765
00:52:13,500 --> 00:52:16,250
♪ I never want to ♪
766
00:52:16,250 --> 00:52:18,500
♪ Work that hard ♪
767
00:52:20,130 --> 00:52:23,050
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
768
00:52:24,210 --> 00:52:26,590
♪ I just want someone ♪
769
00:52:28,250 --> 00:52:30,660
♪ That I can talk to ♪
770
00:52:32,500 --> 00:52:37,700
♪ I want you
just the way you are ♪
771
00:52:44,710 --> 00:52:47,010
RUSTY: Shar?
772
00:52:47,000 --> 00:52:49,120
Oh, my God.
That's Rusty. Hide.
773
00:52:52,170 --> 00:52:53,710
Shar, open up.
774
00:52:59,040 --> 00:53:01,200
Shit.
775
00:53:03,130 --> 00:53:05,340
Hey. Mmm.
I got off early.
What a surprise.
776
00:53:05,330 --> 00:53:07,870
Randy and I were
going to the gym,
he had to work O.T.
777
00:53:07,880 --> 00:53:11,260
I gotta take a leak.
Oh, God.
Don't! I mean, are you sure?
778
00:53:11,250 --> 00:53:14,410
Do you want something to eat
or, um, uh, a beer?
779
00:53:14,420 --> 00:53:16,630
What the...
780
00:53:16,630 --> 00:53:19,760
Ma'am, that leak shouldn't
'cause any more trouble.
781
00:53:19,750 --> 00:53:23,620
I've readjusted the pipe
connection and hooked it up
to the main artery.
782
00:53:23,630 --> 00:53:26,300
I'm the plumber.
I should hope so.
783
00:53:30,750 --> 00:53:33,040
So...
784
00:53:33,040 --> 00:53:36,750
...you are the big, strong
American boyfriend, huh?
785
00:53:36,750 --> 00:53:38,450
I guess I am. Yeah.
786
00:53:38,460 --> 00:53:41,090
But you couldn't fix
the pipe connection,
now could you?
787
00:53:46,040 --> 00:53:48,330
How come he didn't
have any tools?
788
00:53:48,330 --> 00:53:50,330
He's a holistic plumber.
789
00:53:52,420 --> 00:53:54,130
Oh.
790
00:53:54,130 --> 00:53:57,050
SHARONNA: Calculus isn't my only
advanced skill, Professor Wank.
791
00:53:59,250 --> 00:54:01,000
How do you
like them apples?
792
00:54:06,920 --> 00:54:08,210
What are you watching?
793
00:54:08,210 --> 00:54:10,260
My Sharona.
794
00:54:11,330 --> 00:54:13,160
You bastards! Turn it off!
795
00:54:13,170 --> 00:54:15,630
What? You've seen
Good Will Humping?
796
00:54:15,630 --> 00:54:19,510
We also have
Star Whores: Episode 69,
and Charlie's Anus.
797
00:54:21,420 --> 00:54:23,050
It's not my fault.
798
00:54:25,790 --> 00:54:28,700
You couldn't
get it up for her?
799
00:54:28,710 --> 00:54:30,710
You try having sex
with 20 people around.
800
00:54:30,710 --> 00:54:34,340
I've never had sex
without
20 people around!
Stop it.
801
00:54:37,040 --> 00:54:38,700
I don't want you
to watch that again.
802
00:54:39,790 --> 00:54:41,750
She's a real person
and my friend and,
803
00:54:41,750 --> 00:54:44,000
well, she's a lot smarter
than you guys.
804
00:54:44,000 --> 00:54:45,870
Oh, I see a young man.
805
00:54:45,880 --> 00:54:47,630
He's in love!
806
00:54:47,630 --> 00:54:50,260
He's in love
with a buxom schoolgirl.
807
00:54:50,250 --> 00:54:52,290
Piss off, man!
808
00:54:53,500 --> 00:54:55,450
All right.
809
00:54:55,460 --> 00:54:59,010
All right.
What's got your turban
in a twist, huh?
810
00:54:59,000 --> 00:55:01,290
I don't know.
811
00:55:03,830 --> 00:55:05,120
Desi fantasy hot line.
812
00:55:05,130 --> 00:55:06,960
For Hindi hotties, press one.
813
00:55:06,960 --> 00:55:09,210
For Punjabi poontang,
press two.
814
00:55:09,210 --> 00:55:10,760
Is Rammy there?
It's Sharonna.
815
00:55:12,080 --> 00:55:14,580
Sharonna.
816
00:55:14,580 --> 00:55:17,000
Hi. Uh, uh...
817
00:55:17,000 --> 00:55:18,410
Give me the phone.
818
00:55:21,210 --> 00:55:24,090
I talked to
a real-live porn star.
819
00:55:25,710 --> 00:55:27,130
I think she sounded naked.
820
00:55:28,170 --> 00:55:30,090
Hey! How's it going?
821
00:55:30,080 --> 00:55:32,120
I got you a job.
822
00:55:32,130 --> 00:55:35,630
Dwain said that you could be
an extra on the gladiator
movie tomorrow.
823
00:55:35,630 --> 00:55:39,130
What? I mean...
I mean, what?
824
00:55:39,130 --> 00:55:40,880
You wanna be
in films, right?
825
00:55:40,880 --> 00:55:43,510
I do! I do.
826
00:55:43,500 --> 00:55:46,700
Well, this is what
we've been working for.
827
00:55:46,710 --> 00:55:50,260
Rammy?
I don't have to do it
with anyone, do I?
828
00:55:50,250 --> 00:55:52,870
SANJIV: I'll do it!
Shh!
829
00:55:52,880 --> 00:55:55,010
I'll do it!
830
00:55:55,000 --> 00:55:57,200
You don't
have to do anything.
It's extra work.
831
00:55:57,210 --> 00:55:59,130
Remember, fear freezes.
832
00:56:01,330 --> 00:56:03,540
See ya.
See ya.
833
00:56:05,460 --> 00:56:07,670
SANJIV: Did you
tell her I'll do it?
834
00:56:07,670 --> 00:56:09,210
Did you?
835
00:56:09,210 --> 00:56:11,510
DWAIN: All right,
gladiator love slaves...
836
00:56:11,500 --> 00:56:14,370
More thrashing!
I wanna feel your pain!
837
00:56:14,380 --> 00:56:19,340
Glad He Ate Her,
scene 21, take 6.
838
00:56:19,330 --> 00:56:21,160
DWAIN: And action.
839
00:56:22,790 --> 00:56:26,540
Which one of you worthless
love slaves will dare...
840
00:56:26,540 --> 00:56:28,700
DWAIN: Cut!
841
00:56:28,710 --> 00:56:32,050
Can we get some oil
for these guys?
I'm seeing chalky legs here.
842
00:56:32,040 --> 00:56:33,700
How you hanging
in there, Rammy?
843
00:56:33,710 --> 00:56:35,760
From a chain.
844
00:56:41,830 --> 00:56:43,450
Hello?
845
00:56:43,460 --> 00:56:46,670
Guru, where are you? I'm here
at Josh Goldstein's office.
846
00:56:46,670 --> 00:56:47,920
Oh, right. The agent.
847
00:56:47,920 --> 00:56:50,710
Uh, I've been detained out here.
848
00:56:50,710 --> 00:56:52,420
Where's out here?
849
00:56:52,420 --> 00:56:54,590
MAN on PA: Puerto Rican
leather queens to stage two.
Queens.
850
00:56:56,460 --> 00:56:59,130
Queens? Do you know
how important this is?
851
00:56:59,130 --> 00:57:01,050
The kind of access
Josh Goldstein has?
852
00:57:01,040 --> 00:57:03,200
He can help us
get our message out there.
853
00:57:03,210 --> 00:57:05,460
I'll be right there.
I promise. Don't worry.
854
00:57:05,460 --> 00:57:07,510
Hurry up!
855
00:57:07,500 --> 00:57:09,040
DWAIN: I want more writhing!
856
00:57:10,830 --> 00:57:12,410
Lying to your girlfriend?
857
00:57:12,420 --> 00:57:14,550
Who said
that was my girlfriend?
858
00:57:14,540 --> 00:57:15,700
Is she pretty?
859
00:57:17,290 --> 00:57:19,040
DWAIN: Places, please!
860
00:57:20,080 --> 00:57:21,410
So long.
861
00:57:22,500 --> 00:57:24,200
Your
862
00:57:24,210 --> 00:57:26,260
He's coming. He had a thing.
He got tied up.
863
00:57:26,250 --> 00:57:28,120
He got tied up? You...
864
00:57:30,630 --> 00:57:34,800
Which one of you
worthless love slaves will
dare to enter my love ring?
865
00:57:34,790 --> 00:57:38,250
Cut! All right. Good work.
866
00:57:38,250 --> 00:57:41,950
Yes! Oh, great work.
867
00:57:41,960 --> 00:57:44,880
It was a lot to memorize.
Yeah, well,
not so much this time.
868
00:57:44,880 --> 00:57:48,260
Not so much talk
this time.
Okay. Good. Okay.
869
00:57:48,250 --> 00:57:50,750
Excuse me. I have to
get my clothes.
I have to go.
870
00:57:50,750 --> 00:57:52,330
No one leaves till we wrap.
871
00:57:57,210 --> 00:57:59,050
What's up?
872
00:58:09,040 --> 00:58:10,700
Ramew Gouda.
873
00:58:10,710 --> 00:58:13,260
Hey, hey. You made it.
I'm so psyched for this.
874
00:58:13,250 --> 00:58:16,330
Josh, Ramu.
It's nice to meet you.
875
00:58:16,330 --> 00:58:18,580
May I take your coat?
No. I'm fine.
876
00:58:18,580 --> 00:58:20,540
Oh, no. Please.
I'll just hang it.
877
00:58:25,040 --> 00:58:27,200
I was at
a past-life workshop.
878
00:58:28,500 --> 00:58:31,750
Really? See, me, I worked
in the mail room.
879
00:58:31,750 --> 00:58:33,700
I'm just kidding.
880
00:58:33,710 --> 00:58:36,050
Why don't you
have a seat?
881
00:58:40,960 --> 00:58:45,010
So, Lexi tells me you have
quite the following, huh?
882
00:58:45,000 --> 00:58:47,160
I'm just gonna
jump right in, okay?
883
00:58:47,170 --> 00:58:52,170
The goal here is to separate you
from all the other self-help,
spiritual types out there,
884
00:58:52,170 --> 00:58:53,760
so you're not
just another Indian...
885
00:58:53,750 --> 00:58:56,040
Oh, excuse me...
Native American.
886
00:58:56,040 --> 00:58:58,580
'Cause what you got
going for you is God,
887
00:58:58,580 --> 00:59:00,950
and by the way,
by the way, God is big.
888
00:59:00,960 --> 00:59:02,800
You mention God,
people pay attention.
889
00:59:02,790 --> 00:59:05,250
God demands attention
and what can I say?
890
00:59:05,250 --> 00:59:07,790
We wanna be in bed
with God.
891
00:59:07,790 --> 00:59:11,950
But, what do people
wanna pay attention to
more than anything else?
892
00:59:11,960 --> 00:59:16,300
Sex. You let people
think about both,
which is brilliant!
893
00:59:16,290 --> 00:59:18,410
Josh is one of the smartest
agents in town.
894
00:59:18,420 --> 00:59:23,090
We can handle your book deals
in London, your web site,
your television in New York.
895
00:59:23,080 --> 00:59:25,830
Television?
That's right!
Movie deals in Hollywood.
896
00:59:25,830 --> 00:59:28,250
Hollywood?
Sure.
897
00:59:28,250 --> 00:59:30,950
Step one. You gotta
expand your core audience.
898
00:59:30,960 --> 00:59:34,960
How do we do that?
I think we do a big show,
couple thousand people.
899
00:59:34,960 --> 00:59:36,880
Maybe we book a Broadway house.
900
00:59:36,880 --> 00:59:38,050
Broadway?
901
00:59:38,040 --> 00:59:40,660
That's right. "The Guru of Sex."
902
00:59:40,670 --> 00:59:42,210
Shhoosh. One night only.
903
00:59:42,210 --> 00:59:45,010
Gotta keep 'em wantin' more.
904
00:59:45,000 --> 00:59:47,450
Hey, Ari,
get me the Playhouse.
905
00:59:47,460 --> 00:59:50,170
And-And by the way.
You know, I'm not
into micromanaging,
906
00:59:50,170 --> 00:59:52,010
but you're not gonna
wear that, uh...
907
00:59:54,130 --> 00:59:56,010
What is it
you're wearing, anyway?
908
00:59:58,920 --> 01:00:01,550
I really like Josh.
What's really
going on?
909
01:00:01,540 --> 01:00:04,200
What do you mean?
I mean you run off
to secret appointments,
910
01:00:04,210 --> 01:00:07,340
you tell me you've been
to some past-life workshop
with costumes...
911
01:00:07,330 --> 01:00:10,790
I'm sorry. I...
You don't invite me, when you
know how much I love that.
912
01:00:10,790 --> 01:00:13,450
I couldn't.
You're about to be
the Mother Teresa of sex
913
01:00:13,460 --> 01:00:16,210
and all I wanna do is help
you and you leave me out.
914
01:00:16,210 --> 01:00:18,260
I don't understand
why you'd leave me out.
915
01:00:18,250 --> 01:00:20,830
No one can give you
what you want.
It is too much.
916
01:00:20,830 --> 01:00:21,870
What are you saying?
917
01:00:21,880 --> 01:00:24,920
I'm saying live your own life,
not mine.
918
01:00:24,920 --> 01:00:27,050
Follow your own dreams,
not mine.
919
01:00:27,040 --> 01:00:29,080
Look, there are
lots of different paths.
920
01:00:29,080 --> 01:00:32,250
You can go this way,
this way or that way.
921
01:00:32,250 --> 01:00:35,250
But you must
choose your own path.
It is your own damn journey!
922
01:00:40,710 --> 01:00:43,050
I'm going to
meditate on that!
923
01:00:45,790 --> 01:00:47,870
Yeah.
924
01:00:52,540 --> 01:00:54,950
♪ Round, round, baby
round, round ♪
925
01:00:54,960 --> 01:00:56,710
♪ Spend the night on me ♪
926
01:00:56,710 --> 01:01:00,380
♪ I don't need no man
got my kicks for free ♪
927
01:01:00,380 --> 01:01:04,420
♪ We'll ride still fired
from the beat down low ♪
928
01:01:04,420 --> 01:01:08,050
♪ I don't need no man
Got my kicks for free ♪
929
01:01:11,960 --> 01:01:13,840
♪ If you hate me ♪
930
01:01:13,830 --> 01:01:15,830
♪ I will show you ♪
931
01:01:15,830 --> 01:01:17,450
♪ How to brain me ♪
932
01:01:17,460 --> 01:01:18,670
Hi, there.
933
01:01:18,670 --> 01:01:20,380
Hello. Thank you.
934
01:01:21,580 --> 01:01:23,290
Bye! Ramu!
935
01:01:27,250 --> 01:01:29,910
What more could
a swami ask for?
936
01:01:35,000 --> 01:01:36,410
Hey!
937
01:01:38,210 --> 01:01:41,920
♪ We'll ride still fired
from the beat down low ♪
938
01:01:41,920 --> 01:01:45,670
♪ I don't need nobody
but my honeys, when I go ♪
939
01:01:52,670 --> 01:01:54,590
Hey.
Hey.
940
01:01:54,580 --> 01:01:58,370
Um, I got an idea
for today's lesson.
No, no, no.
941
01:01:58,380 --> 01:02:00,760
Um, it's such a beautiful day.
Let's take a walk.
942
01:02:01,920 --> 01:02:03,300
Okay.
943
01:02:08,000 --> 01:02:09,620
After you.
944
01:02:11,920 --> 01:02:14,170
So I miss
my nanima the most.
945
01:02:14,170 --> 01:02:16,300
Does your family
like you being in America?
946
01:02:16,290 --> 01:02:19,620
No. They'd rather I be
married off with kids,
947
01:02:19,630 --> 01:02:21,960
holding down
a 9:00-to-5:00 salary.
948
01:02:21,960 --> 01:02:24,960
But they're getting used to it.
They just want me to be happy.
949
01:02:24,960 --> 01:02:28,510
You're lucky, 'cause
the only family I have
is, like, Dwain and Peaches.
950
01:02:28,500 --> 01:02:30,910
Well, they're
quite a family.
951
01:02:30,920 --> 01:02:33,210
No, really.
They saved my life.
952
01:02:33,210 --> 01:02:37,130
I don't even wanna tell you
what I was doing
before I met them.
953
01:02:37,130 --> 01:02:39,050
They treat me right.
I'm safe with them.
954
01:02:40,670 --> 01:02:42,050
Look, Sharonna, I...
955
01:02:43,130 --> 01:02:44,670
I have to
tell you something.
956
01:02:45,670 --> 01:02:47,170
Go on.
957
01:02:50,580 --> 01:02:52,410
Difficult.
958
01:02:52,420 --> 01:02:54,340
Well, let me
tell you something first.
959
01:02:55,670 --> 01:02:57,880
I really like teaching you.
960
01:02:57,880 --> 01:03:00,340
It makes me feel really good
to help someone.
961
01:03:02,000 --> 01:03:04,160
But I don't think
you should do it.
962
01:03:04,170 --> 01:03:07,460
I mean, you don't
know what it's like.
It's porn and...
963
01:03:07,460 --> 01:03:10,050
I just don't think
you should do it.
964
01:03:10,040 --> 01:03:13,000
You're so pure
and good and...
965
01:03:13,000 --> 01:03:16,040
I mean, you don't know
what it's really like.
966
01:03:16,040 --> 01:03:18,750
That's why
I made up all those ways
to get through it.
967
01:03:18,750 --> 01:03:22,410
Because I wanted
to make it seem like I was
doing something else.
968
01:03:22,420 --> 01:03:26,800
Shh. Shh. Shh.
Something important
and respectable.
969
01:03:26,790 --> 01:03:28,160
You are
respectable.
970
01:03:29,210 --> 01:03:30,630
How can you say that?
971
01:03:30,630 --> 01:03:32,960
Rusty doesn't even know
what I do.
972
01:03:32,960 --> 01:03:35,380
If he did,
he wouldn't marry me.
973
01:03:37,130 --> 01:03:38,710
But I'd marry you.
974
01:03:42,460 --> 01:03:44,050
For 50 cows.
975
01:03:45,460 --> 01:03:46,710
Only 50?
976
01:03:46,710 --> 01:03:49,090
Well, they're sacred,
you know.
977
01:03:49,080 --> 01:03:53,410
Okay. Uh, 100 sacred cows
and, uh,
978
01:03:53,420 --> 01:03:56,760
well, let's see, um,
a field full of buffaloes,
979
01:03:58,630 --> 01:04:00,260
a dozen peacocks,
980
01:04:02,630 --> 01:04:06,050
and a herd of the most beautiful
creatures in all the world...
981
01:04:07,460 --> 01:04:10,380
A herd full of blue elephants.
982
01:04:10,380 --> 01:04:12,590
Blue?
983
01:04:12,580 --> 01:04:14,080
Blue.
984
01:04:29,170 --> 01:04:31,420
I have to go.
No, you don't.
985
01:04:31,420 --> 01:04:33,920
You don't have to
do anything.
Of course I do, silly.
986
01:04:33,920 --> 01:04:35,300
I'll see ya.
987
01:05:11,670 --> 01:05:13,550
RUSTY: But, hey,
that's Randy for you.
988
01:05:15,000 --> 01:05:17,540
MRS. MCGEE: He's so funny.
RUSTY: You always say that.
989
01:05:18,880 --> 01:05:20,460
To Sherri and Rusty.
990
01:05:22,750 --> 01:05:27,000
Russell tells me
you'll help teach
the catechism class.
991
01:05:28,540 --> 01:05:31,160
Catechism. Neat.
992
01:05:31,170 --> 01:05:35,300
FATHER: It's a blessing
to have a professional
in charge at last.
993
01:05:35,290 --> 01:05:37,540
MR. MCGEE: Father thinks
you're an amateur.
994
01:05:37,540 --> 01:05:38,660
Leave Mum alone.
995
01:05:38,670 --> 01:05:40,010
I said no such thing.
996
01:05:40,000 --> 01:05:42,580
Now, Tuesdays is
knitting circle.
997
01:05:42,580 --> 01:05:45,290
And you will be
the first member
of the millennium.
998
01:05:45,290 --> 01:05:47,410
I had to use
all my influence.
999
01:05:47,420 --> 01:05:50,670
So long as it doesn't
interfere with couples' bowling,
right, honey?
1000
01:05:50,670 --> 01:05:53,380
You ever bowl with Rusty?
It's a good thing.
1001
01:05:53,380 --> 01:05:55,840
He holds the ball
like a bleedin' ballet dancer.
1002
01:05:55,830 --> 01:05:57,370
RUSTY: Don't start, Dad.
1003
01:05:57,380 --> 01:06:00,010
Tell me, my dear,
have we not met before?
1004
01:06:02,710 --> 01:06:04,880
Sweetie, have you met
Father Flanagan before?
1005
01:06:04,880 --> 01:06:07,710
Oh, um, no, Father.
I would have remembered
meeting you.
1006
01:06:07,710 --> 01:06:11,260
Your lovely face
looks so familiar to me.
1007
01:06:11,250 --> 01:06:14,000
You don't believe me?
Watch and learn, tough guy.
1008
01:06:14,000 --> 01:06:17,500
You're the chick
from Star Whores,
right
1009
01:06:17,500 --> 01:06:19,370
Excuse me?
No. That's not me.
1010
01:06:19,380 --> 01:06:22,710
No, no, no. It's you.
I saw that forwards
and backwards!
1011
01:06:22,710 --> 01:06:25,880
You're outta line!
Why don't you sit down?
You're making a mistake.
1012
01:06:25,880 --> 01:06:27,550
MAN: It's her!
1013
01:06:27,540 --> 01:06:30,500
Oh, baby!
You know what?
I'm sick of this.
1014
01:06:30,500 --> 01:06:33,500
You know what?
There must be some, like,
cheap porn star out there
1015
01:06:33,500 --> 01:06:35,040
that looks
just like Shari.
1016
01:06:38,250 --> 01:06:39,410
I'm sorry, honey.
1017
01:06:39,420 --> 01:06:41,550
I feel a little sick.
I have to go home.
1018
01:06:43,420 --> 01:06:45,340
Honey...
1019
01:06:45,330 --> 01:06:47,370
What did I say?
Pre-wedding jitters.
1020
01:07:03,170 --> 01:07:05,800
Hello. Is Rammy there?
AMIT: Ramu? No.
1021
01:07:05,790 --> 01:07:08,830
Uh, can you tell me
where he is?
He's at the Broadway Playhouse.
1022
01:07:08,830 --> 01:07:11,580
Thank you.
1023
01:07:11,580 --> 01:07:14,830
Now that you have an agent,
I think you need a manager.
1024
01:07:14,830 --> 01:07:16,660
What do managers do?
1025
01:07:16,670 --> 01:07:18,510
Take 15%.
1026
01:07:21,080 --> 01:07:24,580
Guru Ramu... and friend.
1027
01:07:24,580 --> 01:07:26,750
Hey. Hey, Lex.
1028
01:07:26,750 --> 01:07:28,290
Well, hello.
1029
01:07:28,290 --> 01:07:31,450
Vijay Rao, manager.
1030
01:07:31,460 --> 01:07:34,510
Guru, I've been meditating
on what you said,
1031
01:07:34,500 --> 01:07:37,750
and I think I understand
why you pulled back
from our relationship.
1032
01:07:38,750 --> 01:07:40,500
I don't.
1033
01:07:40,500 --> 01:07:43,750
The whole reason
you ignited my kundalini energy
in the first place
1034
01:07:43,750 --> 01:07:46,450
was so I could
move that sex force
into my other chakras,
1035
01:07:46,460 --> 01:07:50,550
my heart, my mind,
maybe even someday
my third eye?
1036
01:07:50,540 --> 01:07:52,040
Exactly.
1037
01:07:52,040 --> 01:07:53,700
Mmm! Yes!
1038
01:07:53,710 --> 01:07:57,380
I knew it. I knew giving up
the stuff would help me focus.
What stuff?
1039
01:07:57,380 --> 01:08:01,710
Everything. I'm moving
to a studio apartment
1040
01:08:01,710 --> 01:08:03,550
in Queens.
1041
01:08:03,540 --> 01:08:05,450
Will you be subleasing
your penthouse?
1042
01:08:14,880 --> 01:08:17,550
♪ Don't go changing ♪
That's right.
1043
01:08:17,540 --> 01:08:21,040
Feel it. Yes!
♪ To try and please me ♪
1044
01:08:21,040 --> 01:08:24,040
Let it sing.
♪ You never
let me down before ♪
1045
01:08:24,040 --> 01:08:26,790
Feel Billy Joel
between your legs!
1046
01:08:26,790 --> 01:08:30,370
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
And then feel
your genitals come alive.
1047
01:08:30,380 --> 01:08:32,960
Maybe some want
to sing in harmony.
1048
01:08:32,960 --> 01:08:35,550
♪ You're too familiar ♪
That is okay too.
1049
01:08:35,540 --> 01:08:37,500
♪ And I don't see you anymore ♪
1050
01:08:43,290 --> 01:08:46,120
♪ Don't go trying ♪
1051
01:08:46,130 --> 01:08:49,550
♪ Some new fashion ♪
1052
01:08:49,540 --> 01:08:53,000
♪ Don't change the color
of your hair ♪
That's right!
1053
01:08:53,000 --> 01:08:56,700
Send that love
through your loins.
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
1054
01:08:56,710 --> 01:08:58,880
Feel it!
♪ You always have my ♪
1055
01:08:58,880 --> 01:09:00,800
That's it!
1056
01:09:00,790 --> 01:09:04,500
Your genitals are the gateway
to your soul. Let them sing!
♪ Unspoken passion ♪
1057
01:09:04,500 --> 01:09:08,500
♪ Although I might not
seem to care ♪
Let go of your fears!
1058
01:09:08,500 --> 01:09:10,500
Fear is cold.
1059
01:09:10,500 --> 01:09:13,750
♪ I don't want clever ♪
Cold freezes.
1060
01:09:13,750 --> 01:09:17,700
♪ Conversation ♪
When we make love,
we release our fears.
1061
01:09:17,710 --> 01:09:20,210
♪ I never want to ♪
And we...
1062
01:09:20,210 --> 01:09:24,420
♪ Work that hard
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
1063
01:09:24,420 --> 01:09:27,420
♪ I just want someone ♪
Touch our souls.
1064
01:09:27,420 --> 01:09:29,420
♪ That I can talk to ♪
1065
01:09:30,750 --> 01:09:34,910
♪ I love you
just the way you are ♪
1066
01:09:34,920 --> 01:09:36,760
Sharonna! Wait!
1067
01:09:38,420 --> 01:09:41,760
Carry on. The guru's
just gone to the restroom.
1068
01:09:41,750 --> 01:09:46,540
♪ I need to know
that you will always be ♪
Remember, sex is good for you.
1069
01:09:47,790 --> 01:09:49,790
♪ Shine ♪
1070
01:09:49,790 --> 01:09:52,410
VIJAY: Love your loins.
I meant to tell you.
1071
01:09:52,420 --> 01:09:54,920
But everything
happened so fast.
You certainly had a deal.
1072
01:09:54,920 --> 01:09:57,840
Pay me off,
steal my thoughts
and sell them to the world!
1073
01:09:57,830 --> 01:10:00,540
I told you things
I have never told anyone!
1074
01:10:00,540 --> 01:10:03,620
Well, I tried to tell you.
I did. And then I wanted
your philosophy.
1075
01:10:03,630 --> 01:10:05,630
And then
I wanted to see you.
1076
01:10:07,040 --> 01:10:09,540
That is why.
I just wanted to see you.
1077
01:10:09,540 --> 01:10:13,250
You're sick, you know?
And mean! How could you
lie like that?
1078
01:10:14,290 --> 01:10:16,330
You tell me,
Mrs. Schoolteacher.
1079
01:10:16,330 --> 01:10:19,830
What about Rusty?
You're not only lying to him,
you're lying to yourself!
1080
01:10:19,830 --> 01:10:21,870
That's not true.
It is.
1081
01:10:21,880 --> 01:10:25,460
You don't think anyone will
love you for you, so you pretend
to be someone else.
1082
01:10:25,460 --> 01:10:27,960
But don't you see?
That is not real.
1083
01:10:27,960 --> 01:10:29,590
What is that, guru
1084
01:10:29,580 --> 01:10:31,540
It's true!
1085
01:10:31,540 --> 01:10:33,120
Look, maybe
I'm a horrible person
1086
01:10:33,130 --> 01:10:36,630
who deserves to be
stabbed through the heart,
but you deserve more.
1087
01:10:36,630 --> 01:10:38,960
Oh, please. You're just
a stupid little con man.
1088
01:10:38,960 --> 01:10:41,590
You better go steal
people's money
before they realize
1089
01:10:41,580 --> 01:10:43,330
that you're just
a big, dumb fake.
1090
01:10:45,000 --> 01:10:47,830
I'm a fake? Well,
then you're a superfake.
1091
01:10:47,830 --> 01:10:51,370
A porno star saying you're
a teacher all for a dumb house
in Frog's Neck!
1092
01:10:51,380 --> 01:10:53,960
Throgs Neck! And I plan
to be very happy there,
1093
01:10:53,960 --> 01:10:57,630
so you better go
steal those people's money
before your visa expires!
1094
01:10:57,630 --> 01:10:59,460
Well, okay! I will!
Taxi!
1095
01:10:59,460 --> 01:11:03,210
I'll be rich and famous
and very, very happy!
1096
01:11:03,210 --> 01:11:05,340
Fine! Taxi!
Fine!
1097
01:11:18,130 --> 01:11:20,670
VIJAY: Why, hello, girls.
Come on.
1098
01:11:20,670 --> 01:11:22,960
Ready for some fun, huh?
1099
01:11:22,960 --> 01:11:25,590
This is Amit and Sanjiv.
1100
01:11:25,580 --> 01:11:29,540
Oh!
This is Candy, Mindy, Sandy,
Daisy and Tasha.
1101
01:11:29,540 --> 01:11:31,790
I just...
1102
01:11:35,920 --> 01:11:38,550
Beautiful jungle top
you're wearing.
Oh.
1103
01:11:39,750 --> 01:11:42,830
SANJIV: You are
a heartbreaker, baby.
1104
01:11:42,830 --> 01:11:46,040
The great thing
about this place is we never
have to move.
1105
01:11:46,040 --> 01:11:48,370
They can carry us
out of here in a box.
1106
01:11:48,380 --> 01:11:52,050
WOMAN: Anthony! Anthony,
I'm waiting for you!
1107
01:11:54,380 --> 01:11:55,920
All right. We got it.
1108
01:11:55,920 --> 01:11:59,050
Ten cents for every
"Guru of Sex" T-shirt sold.
1109
01:11:59,040 --> 01:12:01,040
Oh. Maybe we could
donate the proceeds.
1110
01:12:02,170 --> 01:12:04,710
Maybe... not.
1111
01:12:04,710 --> 01:12:08,260
You know, I'm sick of
your fucking materialism.
1112
01:12:08,250 --> 01:12:11,040
Yeah? Well, I'm sick of
your fucking scented oils.
1113
01:12:11,040 --> 01:12:13,080
You smell
like a Bombay hooker.
1114
01:12:13,080 --> 01:12:15,410
Ramu, we've got
the Cher party tonight.
1115
01:12:15,420 --> 01:12:17,050
Sally Jesse Raphael
tomorrow.
1116
01:12:18,080 --> 01:12:20,830
Hey, man!
Did you hear me?
1117
01:12:20,830 --> 01:12:23,120
Did it ever occur to you
he might be meditating?
1118
01:12:23,130 --> 01:12:24,710
No.
1119
01:12:28,130 --> 01:12:29,380
FAN: Guru.
1120
01:12:29,380 --> 01:12:32,210
VIJAY: Vijay Rao,
the Guru's manager.
1121
01:12:35,460 --> 01:12:39,090
Hello, girls, all right there.
Ramu's coming in there.
1122
01:12:39,080 --> 01:12:42,580
All right, then.
Vijay Rao, manager.
1123
01:12:44,880 --> 01:12:47,420
Hey, man.
Tony called.
1124
01:12:47,420 --> 01:12:49,260
Tony who?
I don't know.
1125
01:12:49,250 --> 01:12:51,580
I don't have all the answers
like you, Guruji.
1126
01:12:51,580 --> 01:12:54,450
He said your wedding cake
will be ready tomorrow, 9:00.
1127
01:12:54,460 --> 01:12:57,130
Are you getting
married tomorrow?
1128
01:12:57,130 --> 01:12:59,260
No. I'm not getting
married tomorrow.
1129
01:12:59,250 --> 01:13:01,330
I never know
with you, yaar.
1130
01:14:13,750 --> 01:14:16,040
♪ You better shape up ♪
♪ Doo doo doo ♪
1131
01:14:16,040 --> 01:14:19,370
♪ 'Cause I need a man ♪
♪ Doo doo doo ♪
1132
01:14:19,380 --> 01:14:21,760
♪ And my heart is set on you ♪
1133
01:14:21,750 --> 01:14:25,040
♪ And my heart
is set on you ♪
♪ I better shape up ♪
1134
01:14:25,040 --> 01:14:28,410
♪ If I'm gonna prove ♪
♪ You better prove ♪
1135
01:14:28,420 --> 01:14:31,840
♪ That my faith
is justified ♪
♪ Are you sure ♪
1136
01:14:31,830 --> 01:14:34,410
TOGETHER:
♪ Yes, I'm sure
down deep inside ♪
1137
01:14:34,420 --> 01:14:37,010
♪ You're the one that I want ♪
1138
01:14:37,000 --> 01:14:38,830
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey ♪
1139
01:14:38,830 --> 01:14:41,750
♪ The one that I want ♪
1140
01:14:41,750 --> 01:14:43,370
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey ♪
1141
01:14:43,380 --> 01:14:45,760
♪ The one that I want ♪
1142
01:14:45,750 --> 01:14:47,370
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey ♪
1143
01:14:47,380 --> 01:14:49,710
♪ The one I need ♪
♪ The one I need ♪
1144
01:14:49,710 --> 01:14:52,260
♪ Oh, yes, indeed ♪
♪ Yes, indeed ♪
1145
01:14:52,250 --> 01:14:55,080
♪ You're the one that I want ♪
1146
01:14:55,080 --> 01:14:57,080
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey ♪
1147
01:14:57,080 --> 01:14:59,120
♪ The one I want ♪
1148
01:14:59,130 --> 01:15:01,460
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey ♪
1149
01:15:01,460 --> 01:15:04,210
♪ The one I want ♪
1150
01:15:04,210 --> 01:15:07,300
♪ Ooh hoo hoo, honey
The one I need ♪
1151
01:15:23,750 --> 01:15:25,750
I'll get it, dear.
1152
01:15:25,750 --> 01:15:28,580
No. You go get
your things together.
I'm double-parked.
1153
01:15:34,670 --> 01:15:37,210
Oh.
1154
01:15:37,210 --> 01:15:40,260
The cake. Why did they
send that here and not
the reception hall.
1155
01:15:40,250 --> 01:15:42,790
Oh. I am so sorry.
1156
01:15:43,880 --> 01:15:45,170
Just leave it right there.
1157
01:15:47,380 --> 01:15:48,760
She's just a nervous bride.
1158
01:15:48,750 --> 01:15:52,450
I-I'll get my purse.
I won't be a jiffy.
1159
01:15:52,460 --> 01:15:55,340
It's terrible
what I did to you.
I know that.
1160
01:15:55,330 --> 01:15:57,620
But what you're
about to do...
1161
01:15:57,630 --> 01:15:59,760
Don't go through with this!
1162
01:15:59,750 --> 01:16:01,160
You don't have to!
1163
01:16:01,170 --> 01:16:03,460
You and me, we can...
There is no "you and me."
1164
01:16:03,460 --> 01:16:06,630
You used me. And I used you too.
And I did it for the cake.
1165
01:16:09,790 --> 01:16:11,660
Here. Here you are, sir.
1166
01:16:11,670 --> 01:16:13,340
Good-bye and thank you.
1167
01:16:17,630 --> 01:16:19,170
Oh. All righty then.
1168
01:16:36,790 --> 01:16:38,830
Vij, I can't go in there.
1169
01:16:38,830 --> 01:16:40,660
What the fuck
are you talking about?
1170
01:16:40,670 --> 01:16:44,340
I know you love it
the clothes and everything,
but it's not real.
1171
01:16:44,330 --> 01:16:45,870
I can't do this anymore.
1172
01:16:45,880 --> 01:16:48,210
You're serious.
1173
01:16:48,210 --> 01:16:50,550
But, Ramu,
you've made it.
You're a star.
1174
01:16:50,540 --> 01:16:51,660
I don't care.
1175
01:16:51,670 --> 01:16:53,420
Of course you do.
1176
01:16:53,420 --> 01:16:55,670
Remember, yaar,
we came here with nothing.
1177
01:16:55,670 --> 01:16:57,460
And look at us now, huh?
1178
01:16:57,460 --> 01:16:59,050
You've made it for all of us.
1179
01:17:02,250 --> 01:17:03,700
Think about your family...
1180
01:17:05,000 --> 01:17:06,370
How proud they'll be.
1181
01:17:09,040 --> 01:17:10,500
Come on, yaar.
1182
01:17:24,540 --> 01:17:26,620
Okay, okay.
I'm your Cousin Kimberly.
1183
01:17:26,630 --> 01:17:30,880
I'm a librarian
and I have five children,
all boys. I like that part.
1184
01:17:30,880 --> 01:17:34,380
And, uh, and, uh,
I live in Utica.
1185
01:17:34,380 --> 01:17:37,380
Ithaca.
You live in Ithaca.
1186
01:17:38,580 --> 01:17:40,660
You run a Head Start
program there.
Okay.
1187
01:17:40,670 --> 01:17:43,920
Okay. Head. Head. Head.
I can remember that part.
1188
01:17:43,920 --> 01:17:46,130
I'm cutting the cake,
not jumping out of it.
1189
01:17:46,130 --> 01:17:48,050
Okay. Okay. Okay.
1190
01:17:50,250 --> 01:17:54,330
Oh! Honey, what's wrong?
Why are you crying?
1191
01:17:54,330 --> 01:17:55,870
I don't know.
1192
01:17:57,000 --> 01:17:59,250
Oh, honey.
1193
01:17:59,250 --> 01:18:02,370
They're just tears of joy
or something.
1194
01:18:02,380 --> 01:18:06,460
Oh, honey. No.
No. The makeup.
1195
01:18:06,460 --> 01:18:08,590
Waldo Hernandez.
Waldo.
1196
01:18:08,580 --> 01:18:09,950
And what do you do?
1197
01:18:10,960 --> 01:18:12,960
I'm in
the meat-packing industry.
1198
01:18:15,500 --> 01:18:16,950
Hi.
1199
01:18:19,290 --> 01:18:20,950
Pretend I'm not here.
1200
01:18:22,040 --> 01:18:23,410
Marsha! Oh!
1201
01:18:25,540 --> 01:18:30,040
And now I'm happy
to introduce
a true phenomenon,
1202
01:18:30,040 --> 01:18:33,790
the Guru of Sex,
Ramu Gupta.
1203
01:18:43,580 --> 01:18:46,370
Ramu Gupta will be
taking calls
1204
01:18:46,380 --> 01:18:50,920
and he will be
talking about, well,
what he talks about,
1205
01:18:50,920 --> 01:18:52,630
sexual intercourse.
1206
01:18:52,630 --> 01:18:56,590
Mama! Ramu's on
Sally Jesse Raphael!
1207
01:18:56,580 --> 01:18:59,750
First I'd just like to
say hi to my family.
"Hi, Nanima."
1208
01:18:59,750 --> 01:19:02,120
He said hi to me.
What's he doing?
1209
01:19:02,130 --> 01:19:06,260
He's talking about
sexual intercourse.
What?
1210
01:19:06,250 --> 01:19:09,080
EDWIN: Candy, make sure
everything is in tip-top shape.
1211
01:19:09,080 --> 01:19:13,120
Oh, yes. Mrs. Von Austerberg
is very demanding.
1212
01:19:13,130 --> 01:19:15,050
Yes. I know.
1213
01:19:15,040 --> 01:19:17,080
So am I.
1214
01:19:17,080 --> 01:19:19,250
SALLY: Welcome back.
1215
01:19:19,250 --> 01:19:23,000
The Guru of Sex,
Ramu Gupta.
Look. It's our guru.
1216
01:19:24,710 --> 01:19:29,010
Our next question
is from, uh...
John.
1217
01:19:29,000 --> 01:19:33,620
Um, Guru, my problem is that
the only way I've been able to
get a woman is on the computer.
1218
01:19:36,130 --> 01:19:39,880
Well, John,
don't limit yourself.
1219
01:19:39,880 --> 01:19:42,760
Maybe sometimes on the computer,
other times on the bed.
1220
01:19:42,750 --> 01:19:44,790
Don't be afraid
to try new things, huh?
1221
01:19:44,790 --> 01:19:50,910
Uh-huh. Next we have a caller
from Alaska. Go ahead, caller.
1222
01:19:50,920 --> 01:19:55,050
RUSTY: Yes. Hi. Uh,
I'm supposed to get married.
1223
01:19:55,040 --> 01:19:56,790
Congratulations.
1224
01:19:56,790 --> 01:19:59,620
Uh, yeah. But the problem
is the girl I'm marrying.
1225
01:19:59,630 --> 01:20:03,710
She's awesome, but, uh,
I don't really love her.
1226
01:20:03,710 --> 01:20:05,920
Does your fiancee
know how you feel?
1227
01:20:05,920 --> 01:20:07,880
No. No, she has no idea.
1228
01:20:07,880 --> 01:20:10,420
And I know it would kill her.
1229
01:20:10,420 --> 01:20:12,550
Well, Alaska...
Come on, son!
Let's move it!
1230
01:20:12,540 --> 01:20:14,330
The best advice
I can give you is...
1231
01:20:17,210 --> 01:20:19,710
...is to move your feet
to the beat of your heart.
1232
01:20:19,710 --> 01:20:23,590
But my heart beats
for the second hose man
on my truck.
1233
01:20:23,580 --> 01:20:28,790
Then you must go
to the hose man, Alaska.
You must go to the hose man.
1234
01:20:28,790 --> 01:20:30,330
He doesn't seem himself.
1235
01:20:30,330 --> 01:20:32,620
I feel sorry for the girl
marrying the homo.
1236
01:20:32,630 --> 01:20:36,420
It's quite a responsibility
being a spiritual guru,
isn't it?
1237
01:20:37,830 --> 01:20:39,290
Yeah. It is.
1238
01:20:44,920 --> 01:20:46,800
There is something
I have to say.
1239
01:20:51,920 --> 01:20:53,590
I am not a guru.
1240
01:20:55,040 --> 01:20:57,370
There goes
the book deal.
1241
01:20:57,380 --> 01:21:02,510
All I've ever done
is to teach dance.
1242
01:21:02,500 --> 01:21:04,080
What...
And try to act.
1243
01:21:04,080 --> 01:21:05,410
I came to America...
1244
01:21:06,790 --> 01:21:10,790
...to be in movies
and, well, to be on TV.
1245
01:21:12,790 --> 01:21:14,080
But I'm a fake.
1246
01:21:17,960 --> 01:21:20,090
I have betrayed you all and...
1247
01:21:22,000 --> 01:21:24,080
I am sorry. I...
1248
01:21:25,250 --> 01:21:26,500
I have to go.
1249
01:21:31,080 --> 01:21:33,500
All your wisdom.
It was just an act.
1250
01:21:34,750 --> 01:21:37,000
I gave up all my stuff.
1251
01:21:37,000 --> 01:21:40,000
I am sorry.
I'm a fake.
1252
01:21:40,000 --> 01:21:42,200
But what does that make me?
1253
01:21:42,210 --> 01:21:43,760
I now have all these ideas,
1254
01:21:43,750 --> 01:21:47,250
and they came from me,
not from Vanity Fair
or my mother.
1255
01:21:47,250 --> 01:21:49,250
How can you
say that's fake?
It's not.
1256
01:21:50,500 --> 01:21:52,830
No. I didn't change you.
1257
01:21:52,830 --> 01:21:55,120
The guru you saw in me
was the guru in you.
1258
01:21:57,130 --> 01:21:59,130
In your lie,
I found my truth.
1259
01:22:15,080 --> 01:22:16,620
Come on, Vij.
1260
01:22:19,750 --> 01:22:21,660
That's our Lexi.
1261
01:22:26,460 --> 01:22:29,710
What are we doing?
Where are we going?
1262
01:22:29,710 --> 01:22:31,170
To get the woman I love.
1263
01:22:35,210 --> 01:22:37,840
Hey. Can you get
to the Bronx in 15 minutes?
1264
01:22:37,830 --> 01:22:42,040
I'm a cab driver.
I can get to Bombay
in 15 minutes.
1265
01:22:44,000 --> 01:22:48,040
♪ One way or another
I'm gonna find you ♪
1266
01:22:48,040 --> 01:22:50,120
♪ I'm gonna getcha, getcha
getcha, getcha ♪
1267
01:22:50,130 --> 01:22:52,510
♪ One way or another ♪
1268
01:22:52,500 --> 01:22:54,000
♪ I'm gonna win you ♪
1269
01:22:54,000 --> 01:22:56,500
♪ I'm gonna getcha, getcha
getcha, getcha ♪
1270
01:23:01,380 --> 01:23:03,760
I am so proud of you.
1271
01:23:03,750 --> 01:23:06,750
This whole thing
has made me wanna go back
to documentaries.
1272
01:23:13,790 --> 01:23:17,700
♪ One way or another
I'm gonna find you ♪
1273
01:23:17,710 --> 01:23:19,760
♪ I'm gonna getcha, getcha
getcha, getcha ♪
1274
01:23:19,750 --> 01:23:22,580
You can't just interrupt
the wedding and take the bride.
1275
01:23:22,580 --> 01:23:25,790
Sure I can. Haven't you
seen any American movies?
1276
01:23:25,790 --> 01:23:28,620
It happens here all the time.
1277
01:23:28,630 --> 01:23:32,460
♪ Stand over by the wall
where I can see it all ♪
1278
01:23:32,460 --> 01:23:34,920
About fucking time, man.
1279
01:23:34,920 --> 01:23:38,800
Don't speak to me
like that, huh?
Oh! Come on!
1280
01:23:38,790 --> 01:23:41,250
Don't forget, huh?
I'm the one doing you a favor.
1281
01:23:41,250 --> 01:23:43,080
Yeah. Right.
1282
01:23:43,080 --> 01:23:45,950
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here
in the sight of God to witness
1283
01:23:45,960 --> 01:23:47,340
the sacrament of marriage.
1284
01:23:47,330 --> 01:23:49,370
And if anyone knows...
Your stupid idea.
1285
01:23:49,380 --> 01:23:51,090
Vij, you're
a real bastard!
1286
01:23:52,750 --> 01:23:54,040
Rammy.
1287
01:23:55,250 --> 01:23:56,700
Is that your plumber?
1288
01:23:59,500 --> 01:24:00,830
Carry on.
1289
01:24:00,830 --> 01:24:02,120
Thank you.
1290
01:24:10,880 --> 01:24:15,050
...should not
be joined together
in holy matrimony,
1291
01:24:15,040 --> 01:24:19,540
speak now
or forever hold your peace.
1292
01:24:19,540 --> 01:24:21,000
BOTH: I do.
1293
01:24:22,330 --> 01:24:24,000
Randy.
1294
01:24:25,040 --> 01:24:27,000
Who are they,
the new Village People?
1295
01:24:28,460 --> 01:24:30,550
You first.
You first.
1296
01:24:30,540 --> 01:24:32,580
You first.
No, you first.
1297
01:24:32,580 --> 01:24:33,950
Hey, I insist.
1298
01:24:33,960 --> 01:24:35,840
Come on, man.
1299
01:24:35,830 --> 01:24:40,160
If you please,
I am trying to conduct
a wedding ceremony here.
1300
01:24:40,170 --> 01:24:42,550
But I thought you said
we could speak now.
1301
01:24:42,540 --> 01:24:47,580
It was merely an expression,
as in "get lost." Please leave.
1302
01:24:47,580 --> 01:24:49,750
I can't leave.
1303
01:24:49,750 --> 01:24:54,370
Because if I leave,
I leave everything
that matters to me.
1304
01:24:56,580 --> 01:25:00,040
Sharonna, you have taught me
so much about so many things.
1305
01:25:01,330 --> 01:25:04,000
But right now
I know something you don't.
1306
01:25:06,830 --> 01:25:09,750
This is just a dream.
1307
01:25:09,750 --> 01:25:13,080
And maybe you've had it
for so long you think
it has to become real,
1308
01:25:13,080 --> 01:25:15,000
but it doesn't.
1309
01:25:15,000 --> 01:25:17,660
We live. And life
brings us new dreams.
1310
01:25:19,420 --> 01:25:21,090
Better ones.
1311
01:25:23,250 --> 01:25:26,660
Ones that
come from the heart,
1312
01:25:26,670 --> 01:25:28,170
and not from the mind.
1313
01:25:31,080 --> 01:25:33,160
Dreams that you
cannot predict.
1314
01:25:34,830 --> 01:25:36,330
Like you.
1315
01:25:39,750 --> 01:25:41,410
That is why I cannot leave.
1316
01:25:43,130 --> 01:25:47,210
Because my heart beats
for that lady up there.
1317
01:25:49,080 --> 01:25:54,200
And I am not leaving here
until I find out
if her heart beats for me.
1318
01:25:57,960 --> 01:25:59,670
Well
1319
01:26:01,250 --> 01:26:03,700
Yes.
1320
01:26:03,710 --> 01:26:05,210
My heart beats for you.
1321
01:26:18,330 --> 01:26:21,160
That's the Indian fella
who couldn't get it up.
1322
01:26:21,170 --> 01:26:23,420
I thought you said
he was Native American.
1323
01:26:23,420 --> 01:26:24,710
Yeah.
1324
01:26:24,710 --> 01:26:26,840
And you, young man?
1325
01:26:26,830 --> 01:26:28,620
Why are you here?
1326
01:26:28,630 --> 01:26:30,090
I agree wit' him.
1327
01:26:31,790 --> 01:26:34,870
Oh, proceed. I'm not
paid by the hour.
1328
01:26:34,880 --> 01:26:36,210
Rusty.
1329
01:26:37,500 --> 01:26:39,830
My heart beats for Rusty.
1330
01:26:44,630 --> 01:26:47,800
This is good.
Get that. Get that.
I'm on it. I'm on it.
1331
01:26:47,790 --> 01:26:49,700
DWAIN: Good angle for her.
1332
01:26:49,710 --> 01:26:52,170
Russell.
1333
01:26:52,170 --> 01:26:54,670
We always knew
you swam upstream.
1334
01:26:54,670 --> 01:26:55,800
Amen.
1335
01:26:58,630 --> 01:26:59,630
Come here, baby.
1336
01:27:08,080 --> 01:27:10,830
There's a market
for this.
Yeah.
1337
01:27:10,830 --> 01:27:12,830
My little firebug.
1338
01:27:14,880 --> 01:27:16,960
Peg, get over it.
1339
01:27:23,830 --> 01:27:26,330
Enough of this
swapping of spit.
1340
01:27:28,330 --> 01:27:30,250
FATHER: Let's celebrate
1341
01:27:30,250 --> 01:27:32,040
( joyous electronic
music playing )
1342
01:29:14,330 --> 01:29:17,290
♪ Said the fight
to make ends meet ♪
1343
01:29:19,080 --> 01:29:23,370
♪ Keeps a man upon his feet ♪
1344
01:29:24,920 --> 01:29:27,960
♪ Holdin' down his job ♪
1345
01:29:29,540 --> 01:29:33,290
♪ Tryin' to show
he can't be bought ♪
1346
01:29:33,290 --> 01:29:36,080
♪ Ooh, it takes
every kinda people ♪
1347
01:29:38,880 --> 01:29:41,460
♪ To make what life's about
Yeah ♪
1348
01:29:44,040 --> 01:29:46,080
♪ Every kinda people ♪
1349
01:29:48,920 --> 01:29:51,300
♪ To make the world go round ♪
1350
01:29:54,710 --> 01:29:58,630
♪ Someone's looking
for a lead ♪
1351
01:29:58,630 --> 01:30:04,380
♪ In his duty to a king
or to a creed ♪
1352
01:30:04,380 --> 01:30:08,090
♪ Protecting what he feels
is right ♪
1353
01:30:09,630 --> 01:30:12,630
♪ Fights against wrong
with his life ♪
1354
01:30:15,040 --> 01:30:19,000
♪ There's no profit in deceit ♪
1355
01:30:19,000 --> 01:30:23,040
♪ Honest men know that
Revenge do not taste sweet ♪
1356
01:30:24,960 --> 01:30:28,050
♪ Whether yellow,
black or white ♪
1357
01:30:29,540 --> 01:30:33,790
♪ Each and every man's
the same inside ♪
1358
01:30:33,790 --> 01:30:36,660
♪ Ooh, It takes
every kind of people ♪
1359
01:30:39,500 --> 01:30:42,040
♪ To make
what life's about, yeah ♪
1360
01:30:44,330 --> 01:30:47,040
♪ It takes
every kind of people ♪
1361
01:30:49,630 --> 01:30:52,210
♪ To make the world go round ♪
1362
01:31:15,630 --> 01:31:19,550
♪ You know
that love's the only goal ♪
1363
01:31:19,540 --> 01:31:23,540
♪ That could bring
a peace to any soul ♪
1364
01:31:25,460 --> 01:31:29,050
♪ Hey, and every man's
the same ♪
1365
01:31:30,500 --> 01:31:34,500
♪ He wants the sunshine
in his name ♪
1366
01:31:34,500 --> 01:31:37,080
♪ Ooh, It takes
every kind of people ♪
1367
01:31:40,380 --> 01:31:42,590
♪ To make
what life's about, yeah ♪
1368
01:31:44,920 --> 01:31:47,380
♪ It takes every
kind of people ♪
1369
01:31:50,210 --> 01:31:52,210
♪ To make the world go round ♪
1370
01:31:55,290 --> 01:31:57,790
♪ It takes every
kind of people ♪
1371
01:32:00,380 --> 01:32:03,050
♪ To make
what life's about, yeah ♪
1372
01:32:05,580 --> 01:32:07,750
♪ Every kind of people ♪
1373
01:32:10,540 --> 01:32:13,080
♪ To make the world go round ♪
97463
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