All language subtitles for Crashing.S03E08.720p.WEB.H264-METCON

This is exciting for me.
I'm a-- I'm a comic.

Great.
Do you have a business card?

-No, I--
-I'm fully kidding.

PETE HOLMES: Abraham and Isaac.

Abraham had the knife up
in the air and he heard a voice.

Thank God.
It just would've been--

-(SPUTTERING)
-(CROWD LAUGHS)

You know I have to
fire you, right?

I figured.

I just don't know
if I can grow here.

Why do you think
we shouldn't be together?

I'm in over my head.

That is such a cop-out.

The second you missed
your ex-girlfriend,

you got a little bored with me.

In ten years, you're gonna
regret this so much,

and I'm gonna realize
that I dodged a fucking bullet.

I think you know
you'll die alone.

(WOMEN LAUGH)

♪ ♪

(dildo buzzing)

♪ It's time to move on ♪

♪ Time to get going ♪

♪ What lies ahead,
I have no way of knowing ♪

♪ But under my feet, baby,
grass is growing ♪

♪ It's time to move on ♪

♪ It's time to get going ♪

♪ It's time to move on ♪

♪ It's time to get going ♪

-Can I help you?
-Yeah, I'm here to meet
Kevin Woods.

Right this way.

-Enjoy your meal.
-Thank you.

Good to see you, Peter.

What is this place?

It's my favorite restaurant.

Molto Bene.

What's up?
What's going on?

I heard about
the Christian tour.

Yeah.

I... I don't know.
I thought it was one thing,

and it was very
restrictive.

-It was a lot of money.
-I know.

A lot of dates.

Yeah.

Well, I got some news.

(slurping)

John Mulaney wants you
to open for him.

-Are you fucking with me?
-Nope.

He asked for you by name.

-John Mulaney?
-John Mulaney.

-Asked for me?
-Mm-hmm.

-By name?
-Yep.

How did--
We met one time.

He must've seen me
or something, right?

That's the thing about
this business, Peter.

You never know what's lurking
around the next corner.

Most of the time,
it's a punch in the gut.

Sometimes,
it's a treasure chest.

This is the moment
we've been waiting for.

All that training,
all that grooming.

This is your treasure chest.

-That's amazing.
-You've been working
really hard.

-That's amazing.
-You know?

You're ready for this.
This is your moment.

-That's great.
-Mm-hmm.

-You said yes?
-Mm-hmm.

I thought you were just--

I thought you just wanted
to fire me or...

because of... this.

God damn it.

Let's get some cake.

I know. I know!
He just told me.

It was like a whole thing.
He sat me down...

Ali, it's, uh, it's Pete.

Listen, I just found out
I'm doing a show,

Saturday at Town Hall.

John-- That's right,
Kid Gorgeous.

And me, Kid Regular.

Asked for me by name.

You know, we haven't
talked in a while.

I miss you.
I wanna hang out.

So, um, I hope
you can make it.

(phone chimes)

Ali (over voicemail):
Hey, Pete.

I'm so excited for you,
about Mulaney.

That's so awesome!

He never did anything
for me except bump me,

but I'm not bitter
about it. Ha-ha.

I'm really sorry.
I can't make it to your show,

because, um,
Ted and I broke up.

Ugh, he was just so perfect
in all of the wrong ways.

So, uh, yeah...

if you need me,
I'll be on my couch,

watching The Great
British Bake Off ,

contemplating how
I'm gonna die alone.

All right,
have a good show.

Bye.

Bye.

♪ ♪

♪ Till my stone cold grave,
I'll be pushin' on ♪

♪ She'll be pushin' on ♪

♪ Till my blood runs dry,
I'll be riding high ♪

♪ S he'll be riding high ♪

♪ When my soles wear through,
I won't be feeling blue ♪

♪ I'll be pushin' on ♪

♪ Pushin' on ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

You did it.

You really did it.

You belong here.

You belong here.

(inhaling)

(exhaling):
You got this.

Look at me.

You're special.
You deserve this.

That's why he asked for you,
because you can do it.

-(knocking)
-Hello?

-Leif: Hey, Peter.
-Peter: Oh my God! Hi!

-Leif: Are we intruding?
-Not at all.

-Congratulations!
-Welcome! Yes.

-Leif: Hi!
-Jess: We're so proud of you!

Oh my God,
I'm so glad you're here!

-These are for you.
-Thank you.

This goes great
with my dressing room mirror.

I'll put them-- No vase.
They're lovely.

Remember, you're
swimming right now.

Enjoy it, Peter.
Don't grab for the water, man.

Relax and just float.
This is awesome.

That was strangely coherent.

-Yeah.
-Thanks.

That was--
What's happening today?

I'm in a suit,
I'm in a green room,

he's making sense.
This is magic.

-Really exciting.
-Hey.

-I'm Justin.
I work with John.
-Oh, hi.

When you get a chance,
John wants to say hi.

-Oh!
-Oh, fancy!

-Well, go say hi.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Enjoy.
There's Jelly Bellys.

-Oh great!
-Ronald Reagan's favorite.

Open that up
if you want.

-Okay.
-I'll be right back.

-Whoa. What do you want?
-Not Jelly Bellys.

I love these old theaters.

Sorry.

This is incredible.
I love it.

Yeah.

Does it, um...
Does it ever get old or...?

No.

Hey, John.
I've got Pete here for you.

Hi.

Good to see you.

You too.

Who are you?

Pete Holmes.
I'm wearing a suit, maybe.

Remember,
we met a Rafifi.

-Oh.
-Yeah, yeah. On 11th.

Out of sight.

I just, um...

I wanted to come back,
and I don't want to bother you.

I just want to say
it's wonderful to be opening

for somebody of your caliber,

and just a dream
come true, and it's--

It's an honor,
and Town Hall, I mean...

When you say,
"Open for me--"

I just mean emcee, not open.
I'm just the supporting act.

Why are you saying this?
Why are you saying that?

Yeah, whatever term
you want to use.

I'm the "special guest."
I'm your special guest tonight.

-And that's a thrill.
-John: Uh...

-He's your opener, John.
-Yeah, opener.

-Who the fuck's my opener?
-Justin: This is the opener.

This is not what
I asked for.

You asked for Pete Holmes.
This is Pete Holmes.

I could not have
asked for Pete Holmes,

because I do not know
who Pete Holmes is.

I'm Pete Holmes.
Remember we--

I know that now.

I wanted Holmes,
the comedian,
from Chicago.

They got Holmes
from Chicago,

from the Chicago
Comedy Festival.

He was super funny,
we were on the same show,

then we went to Alinea together,
they closed the kitchen,
we ate at the chef's counter.

-I didn't go to Alinea with you.
-I know, we didn't invite you,
but I told you--

The guy, Holmes--

-Ben Holmes?
-Yes!

-Ben Holmes. Okay.
-Ben Holmes!

-Ben Holmes.
You wanted Ben Holmes.
-Ben Holmes is opening tonight.

-Okay, okay, okay.
-He's opening tonight.

No, he's in Chicago.

Ben Holmes is not here,
and Pete Holmes is here?

Justin:
Yes.

Sounds like there's been
a little bit of confusion.

It's most likely because
we have the same surname.

Oh, do you fucking think,
Agatha Christie?

Justin:
I'm gonna fix this.
We're gonna fix this.

-This is totally fine.
This is totally fine.
-John: Okay.

All right, what does one--

(exhales)
What does one do?

I'm sure you can call somebody
else. There's plenty of time.

We can form a list
and think of comedians,

-other comedians
that could open.
-Okay, we'll make a list.

-A list of
New York City comedians.
-Yes, okay.

A list of comedians
in New York City.

-I've got a note open, yes.
-Do it in this order, okay?

Ron Funches.
He's third, okay?

Jon Stewart-- I know
that sounds like a reach,

but maybe if you
pitch it as like,

"Oh, this would be so crazy
if you showed up," all right?

First, Birbiglia.
He's too big to open for me,

but he's a friend.
He might do it as a favor.

If he says he's not
in New York, he is lying.

♪ ♪

Jesus fucking Christ.

Kevin, it's Pete.

There's a mix-up. They booked
the wrong fucking guy.

I don't know where you are.
I'm at the theater.

You gotta fucking call me.
It's fucked up.

Pete, can I talk to you
for a second?

(sighs)
Shut the-- shut the door.

Have a seat
for a minute.

Uh, I'm really sorry.

Uh, no.
This is a...

This is a big deal.
This is Town Hall,

and I would want my show
to be perfect too.

It was-- Yeah.
It threw me. I...

(laughs)
...acted like a jerk,
and, you know,

as you know and as you'll tell
people, I'm not a jerk.

I don't--
I'm not gonna talk about this.

It's not a bad--
I don't even...

Oh, I'm not telling you
not to talk about it.

-I didn't say that.
-No, but I won't.

Yeah, it's like the story
could be that I'm an asshole,

and, you know,
that's not the story.

You know,
it's Town Hall.

You can't shoot to wound.

-You gotta shoot to kill.
-(phone buzzing)

Oh, it's Birbiglia.

Hey.

♪ ♪

(knocking)

Hey, Pete.

-Oh, hey, man.
-Hey.

We're gonna need you
to clear out of here.

-Oh, yeah, yeah.
Of course. I'm sorry.
-Yeah. Yeah.

Justin:
No, we're sorry.

I didn't touch most of this.

We'll get a new one.
Just, uh, follow me out here.

Should I go? I kind of feel
like I should get out of here.

No, stay, stay.
Literally stay.

You're here, just watch
the show, you know?

Okay, is there a seat
in the house, or--?

Well, no. Um,
but you can watch
from backstage.

You'll be a VIP,
our very important guest.
John's very important guest.

Yeah, I'll watch
from wherever, sure.

-John: Fuck!
-I've got to take care of this.

-John, anything?
-Ron Funches is in Denver.

I called Gethard,
and he said he would try
to be here by eight o'clock,

and it's almost eight o'clock,
so I don't think he's gonna
be here.

-So Gethard will not be here?
-Gethard will not be here.

Okay. Fuck!
I'm not mad at you.

(breathes deeply)

How many minutes can you do?

-I could do 20.
-You'll do 10.

Justin:
So are we doing this?

John:
Yeah.

-(audience cheering)
-Aah, fuck, it's happening.

Take that, Justin.

The show is about to happen.

It's not
not going to happen.

God, I hate doing
stand-up.

I hate doing stand-up
comedy so much.

I only wanted to be
a comedian my whole life,

and the thing I hate the most
is stand-up comedy.

Hey, are you clean?

Uh, yeah, I'm--
I'm a clean--

No, you gotta be dirty.

That way my parents
will hate you,

and when I walk out
I seem clean.

I'm not a clean comic.
People think I am, but I say
"dick" and "ass" and "cocaine"

-and all this stuff.
-Okay, I'll be dirty.

-Yeah, be dirty.
-A little dirty.

Also, don't mention marriage.

Don't mention adolescence.

A lot of it is
about adolescence.

Well, then you don't do that,
you do something else.

Or you just say, "Welcome,
I'm the venue owner,"

and then you walk off.

-All right.
-Look...

don't be bad.

Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Ben Holmes!

(audience cheering, applauding)

-(Pete sighs)
-John (whispers): Speak!

(whispering):
Speak!

(sighs)

(audience murmurs)

Um, sorry.

It's actually, it's Pete.

-(laughter)
-Yeah.

My name is, um...

Pete Holmes.

-It's okay.
-(scattered laughter)

There was a...
There was a mix-up.

I'm not Ben Holmes,
I'm Pete Holmes.

-I mean, there was
a whole thing.
-(scattered laughter)

It turns out John Mulaney,
who we're all here to see,

um, wanted Ben Holmes,

but they got in touch
with my manager and
they got Pete Holmes,

and then I got here
and John was--

(laughing):
He was not cool about it.

-(laughter)
-I'm not... I'm not saying
he's a dick. He's not a dick.

I'm saying we all have moments
where we slip into dick.

-And he...
-(cheering)

He slipped into dick.
I know!

What a nightmare for me,
because he was upset.

He had this important show.
I get it, I get it, I get it.

I get it.
I really get it.

But he was calling other
comedians in front of me.

-Sorry I'm late, man.
-Is that Chris Gethard?

-Yeah, it's me.
-Where the fuck were you?

I was having, you know,
dinner with my wife.

And that's, hopefully,
why you're dressed like that.

And they're calling like,
"Mike Birbiglia, we need you!"

-And I'm like...
-(laughter)

But I don't understand.

My job is to just not be
as good as the headliner.

-(laughter)
-Brother, if you're looking

for someone to be not as good
as John Mulaney,

-I'm your first call.
-(laughter and applause)

I am mediocre and forgettable
together, like two great tastes.

(applause continues)

-Hey, Greer.
-Hey. Am I too late?

Uh, no, the show
hasn't started yet.

Yes, you're too late.

I'm basically an open mic-er
who does some road work,

and my manager was like,
"John Mulaney asked for you
by name."

And I was like,
"That checks out."

(laughter)

He doesn't even know me!

He doesn't know me.
We met once,

and, you know, he was
kind of a dick then too.

He was dick then.

You are a dick.

I know, but people
don't know that.

-Town Hall, thank you so much.
-(cheers and applause)

What a dream come true.
Thank you, Mulaney.

Are you guys ready
for your headliner?

(cheers and applause)

I am, too. This is obviously
the person we all came to see.

You know him, you love him.
Town Hall, give a big welcome

to John Mulaney!

(cheering, applauding)

-You're not bad.
-Really? I thought--

-I have to go do it.
Thank you.
-Right.

Pete Holmes,
ladies and gentlemen.

(cheers and applause)

-Good show, dude.
-Thanks, man.

-I love your stuff.
-Thanks.

-Not bad, man.
Not bad at all.
-Thank you, Greer.

Hello, I'm John Mulaney.

You may know me
from some of Pete's stories

-from five seconds ago.
-(laughter)

John:
I got to admit, Pete Holmes
was kind of right about me.

I was a dick to him
this evening,

and I do apologize.

I'm embarrassed that you have
seen the darker side of me.

But in terms of dark sides
of male comedians coming
to light this year,

I think that's
a pretty tame one.

-(laughter and applause)
-But...

I want to be a good,
nice person.

I was raised Catholic, I was
raised to be kind to everyone.

You know, Catholicism is
all about kindness

until you go digging into it,
and then it's not at all.

(laughter)

There's a new pope,
and people like him a lot.

Pope Francis,
people think he's cool.

-(cheers and applause)
-Like, look at all of you.

You're clapping for him,

and he's against abortion
and all of your rights,

-but you like him.
-(laughter)

The pope is popular,
'cause he acts like
a sophomore in college

who just took mushrooms
for the first time.

He'll be like,
"Maybe God is just an energy,

not some man with a son."

And everyone's like,
"Whoa, Catholicism's cool!"

-It's not!
-(laughter)

This is a trick to lure
you Jews and atheists

into our weird Italian religion.

(laughter)

Here's how you'll know
if the pope ever really
shakes things up.

He'll die.

If the pope was ever like,
"Hey, I just realized
that we could cure world hunger

if we sold some
of these gold cathedrals."

The next day they'd be like,
"Oh, no! The pope died!

Yeah, he had a heart attack.
He fell down the stairs."

"I'm sorry. He had
a heart attack or
he fell down the stairs?"

"I know!"

(laughter and applause)

(cheering)

-Hey! Oh my God!
-Amazing!

I'm so glad you saw that.

Oh my goodness,
that looked so
cathartic for you.

Yes, it was.
It was... tense,
fucking crazy,

but out there,
I mean, it was all--
it was worth it.

You took all that weird anger
you have inside yourself,

and then you totally
transformed it,

and you gave it these folks
and you just made them laugh

and turned it
into positivity, Peter!

Jess:
Yeah, it was great.

Pete:
Um, John, sorry.
Would you mind?

These are my, uh,
these are my guests.

-This is Jess.
-Hello.

-And this is Leif.
-Hi.

-And this is John Mulaney.
-I'm John Mulaney.
Nice to meet you.

-Hi. John Mulaney.
-Uh, this is Greer Barnes.

-"Leif," you said?
-Yeah.

-Greer. Nice to meet you.
-How are you?

You were so funny.
I couldn't breathe.

-Thank you.
-Y'all brothers and sisters?

Lot of people think that,
but no, we are lovers.

-What are you doing?
-Nothing.

She said
she liked comedy,
so I wanted to see

if she wanted to come
to the late show.

-Oh, there's another show?
-I think it's a euphemism.

-Oh, okay.
-Okay, we gotta go.

-You gotta go.
Thank you.
-Okay.

I'm being pulled away now.

You guys were great.

I really liked this.
This was really fun, thank you.

-I really liked it. Okay.
-Jess: Okay.

Bye, guys.
Thank you for coming.
Hey, John.

Um, I just feel like
I should apologize for
some of the things I said.

-I wanna make
sure it was okay.
-Pete, you were funny.

You made the show better.
Okay? Relax.

What are you doing
right now?

-Nothing, I mean this is it.
-You want to come
to The Cellar with us?

-Greer: Come on.
-Yeah.

We gotta unwind
after the show.

Yeah. I mean. Really?
You don't mind?

I've already invited you!
Say, "Yes."

Yeah.

♪ ♪

John:
What's up, man?

♪ ♪

-Pete Holmes.
-How are you?

-Lookin' good, brother.
-Thanks, dude.

Hold on, I can't sit back there
'cause I don't play here.

It's not gonna be a problem.
I'll talk to Estee.

Hey, Estee.

-Oh, hi!
-Hi!

-How are you, John?
-How are you?

It's so good to see you.
Wonderful.

Wonderful to see you.

-What's happening?
-Uh, I did Town Hall tonight.

Oh, I heard.
How was it?

It was amazing.

-Really?
-It was really, really cool.

When I was standing
on stage, I thought,
it is all thanks to Estee.

Well, I'm glad
I gave you first shot,

but your talent took you
to where you are.

I know I have talent.
But, no, really you gave me
the opportunity.

Listen to the guy.
Okay.

Speaking of, someone
opened for me tonight,
a guy I'd never seen before.

Uh, he was hilarious.
Do you know Pete Holmes?

This guy hovering,
right here?

I'm sorry, I just--
We came in together.

I know I'm not supposed
to sit there, but--

Look, I didn't like him either
when I first met him,

and I was pretty rude to him.

And then he got on stage,
and he killed.

And I feel like
I owe him something.

And if you could give him
a spot, that would be amazing.

Honestly, I just--
We're just hanging out.

I didn't-- I didn't
ask him to do this.

I-- I'm happy...

All right, he can go on next.
Only because you asked.

-Thank you, Estee.
-You're welcome.

-Thank you.
-John: You're welcome.

I... thank both of you.

-I gotta work on my set.
-(others shouting)

-I'm performing!
-You gotta earn that.

-She said I'm going up!
-Sit over there!

-The longer you sit here,
the worse it gets. Come on.
-Pete: Thank you. Thank you.

-Go work on it alone.
-Take care of yourself.

-You have to do this alone.
-Honestly...

You know, honestly,
be careful, because
she hates him.

I vouched for him once,
and now she won't let
me vouch for anybody.

Oh my God, and most
people trust you.

♪ ♪

-(laughter, applause)
-Mike Yard: I know,
it's hilarious.

-Are you guys ready
for some more?
-(cheering)

This next brother
coming to the stage,
you are gonna love him.

Very funny. Give it up
for the one and only
Pete Holmes, y'all.

Clap it up
for Pete Holmes, y'all!

Come on,
show your love!

(cheers and applause)

Show your love
for that brother.

Keep it going for Mike Yard,
everybody. That's Mike Yard.

(cheers, applause)

It's weird, uh,
it's weird to be here.

"It's great to be here,"
is what I'm supposed to say,

but it's weird because
the last time I was here,

I broke up with my girlfriend.

Woman:
Aw!

-Wow, good for you.
-(laughter)

You're not sociopaths.
That's very healthy.

I'll tell you,
the main difference
between being single

and having a girlfriend,
for me, in the city,

-is missing the train.
-(laughter)

When I'm single--
listen to me now.

When I'm single,
I don't miss it.

I make it.
Just a free man,

just one free man with agency
and free will, I make it.

I hear it through the grate,
and I assess its direction

like a herd of buffalo
that I'm stalking.

I'm right on the stairs.
I tear my shirt open
a little bit

just to feel more like a man...
(roars)... and I make it.

-Two at a time on the stairs.
-(laughter)

That's a leap. I'm leaping...
I'm leaping down the stairs.

I get my metro card out strong,
I'm swiping in down the stairs.

Before the doors close,
I have time to get my hat

that I dropped
like Indiana Jones,

put it on, light a cigarette,
kiss a woman I don't know.

I make it!

But when I had a girlfriend,
I never made it.
I never made it.

I'm already swiped through,
'cause I get my metro card
out on the stairs.

She gets to the thing--
to the turnstyle,

she's opening her bag
to retrieve another bag.

(laughter)

She's got a bag within a bag,
Russian-doll system of baggery.

She's got all these
dead metro cards.

Why does she keep
the dead metro cards?

-Are you scrapbooking?
-(laughter)

(indistinct chattering)

Sit. Please.

So...

the show downstairs
was... good.

You can call in for spots.

-Keith: Holy shit!
-Really?

-Rachel: Pete!
-Keith: Yeah, look at that.

Congrats, I suppose.
But, Estee, are you
sure about this?

-Come on, man. What the hell
are you talking about?
-Come on, Dan.

The question is,
is Pete ready to be here?

-That's the question.
-Keith: He's here!

Are you suggesting
I should get rid of somebody?

-You get rid of Dan.
-Yeah.

You can't get rid of me.
I've been here for 10 years.

-Yes, you can.
-I think, at least,

-he should reaudition.
-Give this up to Pete.

-Reaudition him.
-I reaudition every night
when I'm killing down there.

-Thank you.
-Congratulations.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

Keith:
No, you don't.

John:
What do you guys wanna do?
Wanna go eat?

-Dan: Yeah, why not.
-Greer: Yeah, I could eat.

Pete, you wanna
come eat with us?

I'm sorry, I can't. I...

I gotta go.
Thank you.

John:
You're welcome.

He's an odd duck.

I was just trying to be polite.

Dan:
To be honest,
I think we're better off.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Every inch of sky's
got a star ♪

♪ Every inch of skin's
got a scar ♪

♪ I guess that you've
got everything now ♪

♪ Every inch of space
in your head ♪

♪ Is filled up with
the things that you read ♪

♪ I guess that you've
got everything now ♪

♪ And every film
that you've ever seen ♪

♪ Fills the spaces up
in your dreams ♪

♪ That reminds me ♪

♪ Everything now,
everything now ♪

♪ Every inch of road's
got a sign ♪

♪ And every boy uses
the same line ♪

♪ I pledge allegiance
to everything now ♪

♪ And every song
that I've ever heard ♪

♪ Is playing at the same time,
it's absurd ♪

♪ And it reminds me,
we've everything now ♪

♪ We turn the speakers up
till they break ♪

♪ 'Cause every time
you smile it's a fake! ♪

-♪ Stop pretending, you've got ♪
- ♪ Everything now ♪

-♪ I need it ♪
- ♪ Everything now! ♪

-♪ I want it ♪
- ♪ Everything now! ♪

-♪ I can't live without ♪
-♪ Everything now! ♪

-♪ I can't live without ♪
-♪ Everything now! ♪

-♪ Everything now! ♪
-♪ Everything now! ♪

♪ ♪