Original subtitles

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Amalia, the garbage man is here. Arert you supposed to come at 6:00?

- My shift starts at 6:00. - And you stop at every bar.

Mind your own business.

Live and let live. Do you always have to get involved?

Go get me a half liter of genuine vinegar...

...the red label brand. You know the one I mean? - Yes.

- 20, 40 and 50. - Give me another 100, so I can buy 10 cigarettes, too.

Don't stop to chit-chat, the lamb's on the stove.

Don't be a broken record. I know what I have to do.

They're back again! Always the same story?

Tearing up the road again?

Smoking near the gas line?

Sonny, do you want to blow us up? It could explode.

Smoking my cigarettes?

Quit pestering people trying to make an honest dollar! Beat it!

Take it easy, you could ruin your eyes with that blow torch...

...and you only get two eyes in this life.

- Any news on China, Sir? - Otello, forget China!

But Sir, they're worse than ants. 600 million Chinese.

If they move, then what will we do?

I'll still be an accountant. You, think for yourself.

- They'll put you to work. - A new Fiat 1100?

Do you mind?

Two-tone! Snazzy! Too snazzy for an old man like you.

Here I am. I'll take care of it.

Back up, there's room. Back up. Stop!

Drop dead!

I said "stop", you should have stopped!

Who is this idiot?

- It's not my fault if you can't drive. - Where are you going?

- At least give us a hand! - A hand? You need a crane!

- Good morning, Remo! - Hi, pap�.

- Is it a 500? - No, it's a 250. - Wow!

Easy! Don't do 2 things at once, like your mother.

- First take out the carburetor. - Okay.

- Take off the nut. - Pap�, don't mix me up!

- Finished? - No.

- Hurry up! - Good morning, Biancone!

How's my boy doing? Is he doing a good job?

The kid is smart. I can't say the same of the grown-ups!

- Really? - Yes.

- Let me take a ride. - I can't. The customer's on his way.

- You afraid I'll wreck it? - Do you have nothing to do?

- I have to go get some vinegar for mamma. - Well, go then!

Who's the father here?

Take it easy! Don't botch it!

Motorcycles are like women: You have to treat them with care.

You have to humor them. Good morning, everybody!

- Don't let it get to you. Which vinegar? The red label brand? - Whatever.

Whoever did it must think he's funny, but he's not...

...because vulgar is as vulgar does.

I'm not the vulgar one here.

What do you care, Otello?

It's not the raspberries, I'd just like to know...

...why always me and no one else? - You must know!

Perhaps, in your judgment...

...I am of below average intelligence.

Instead, I say, you are too quick in judging me.

And, I might add, no threat intended...

...one day you'll be sorry. - Here, take your vinegar and go.

Furthermore, I know you all and I have your picture. Click!

Look at yourselves! No hard feelings, but, just one more thing:

...be careful of what you do.

- Good day. - Bye.

Good day everyone. Good day.

Try doing it again.

Thanks! My turn next time!

Remo, are you done? Shall we go home?

Pap�, did they give you the raspberries again?

- You heard them? - Loud and clear!

Isn't it because of your jacket?

My smoking jacket? No way!

- Well, why do you put up with it? - I knew it!

You can't understand, you're still a child.

When you grow up, you'll understand that you can't get even right away.

You've been waiting for 4 years!

Deep down you're mad at me because I haven't been working for 4 years...

...but, for someone like me, is it harder to work or watch people work?

Pap�, it's harder to work!

Let us suppose that you are right...

...let me tell you that I have a clear conscience. I'll tell you why.

- Are you listening? - Yes.

- Take the concept of "motherland". Do you know what it is? - No.

I'll tell you. She's what drafts you into the army.

You serve her, you risk your life for 11 years, like I did...

...then, when the wars are over...

...she takes back your uniform and sends you home unemployed.

And you, jobless, how do you eat? You steal!

- If you rob, what does she do? - She arrests you.

- Do you want your father to go to jail? - No.

Then, I say: "Dear motherland, offer me a job! Come on!".

Then, if I say no, send me to jail, like in Russia.

Otello!

Come and help me unload!

- I'll help you. - And your husband? - He went out.

Never here, huh? How many times have I asked him to be here to help?

If I help you, isn't it the same thing?

No, because if you werert my sister, I would have already knifed him.

- What are you fighting about? - Pap�, don't make things worse!

Ma'am!

- There's mail. - What is it?

- Sign please? - Do I have to sign for it?

Yes, it's a registered letter.

It's from City Hall. They want my husband!

- They want to arrest him? - No, they want to hire him!

What wonderful news! I bet he'll be happy!

Bring me a chair, I want to see his face when you give him the letter.

- Are you fighting? What's wrong? - Otello!

- There's good news for you! - Let me see him! - See who?

Your moment has finally arrived!

- Here! - What is it?

I'm so happy.

- It's City Hall! - To spite those who always made fun of you...

...and who always humiliated us.

- Are you speaking for me? - Yes, for you, too.

You're my brother and I love you, but Otello is my husband...

...and I must tell you:

...for years you've made him suffer, and I've suffered in silence.

What about me? How many times have I had to swallow my pride!

Now you'll have to stop saying that Otello is a moocher...

...that he doesn't want to work.

All this just because he's finally got a job!

- And who says I'm going to accept the job? - What?

- Have you read the letter? - No. What's it say?

We inform you that you have been hired...

...by City Hall, as a common laborer for the city markets.

- So what? - It's a good job and good money as well.

Never mind money, can someone tell me what "common laborer" means?

Docker! You get up at 3:00 am and at 4:00 you start unloading.

And what must I unload, if I might ask?

Everything. Sacks of potatoes, crates of fruit, blocks of ice.

- Ice is cold, imagine in winter! - You don't want to?

- Did I say anything? - And well you shouldn't!

- You're lucky to start as a docker. - You think so?

And who do I thank for this lovely little job?

I applied for a job with the Municipal Police Department...

...not for a job as a docker. - It's written here. - Where?

You have been given this job to grant the wish of a young heroic child.

- And who might this heroic child be? - I am. Remember this summer...

...when I used to swim in the river...

...and I saved that boy who was drowning? - The Councilmars son?

At the end of the school year, the Mayor came and made a speech.

At the end, he said: "Did you save The Councilmars son?". I said: "Yes".

- He said: "Do you have a wish to make?". - And what did you say?

"Give my father a job, he really wants to work".

I'll be right back, I'll just put this away. It's a good job...

...why don't you say something? - The motherland hasn't forgotten you.

You come to the table with these filthy hands?

- Go wash them! - No! Now you're in the wrong.

- Don't take it out on the poor child! - I'm the father here:

...l'll slap him, if I want to.

It's easy to be a hero, huh?

To jump in the river and save the Councilmars son...

And what reward does he ask for?

To send his father off to be a docker?

Otello, don't lose heart. I know it's hard...

...but you have to give in, especially for my brother's sake.

What's wrong? Doesrt he want to be a docker?

Excuse me, why should I lie to my family?

If it's up to me, I don't feel like it!

For 12 years I wore a Sergeant's uniform...

...and now you want me in overalls?

Are you waiting for another war? Well, there isn't one.

That's open to discussion. Right, pap�?

Between one war and another you have to do something!

I applied to work as a policeman, not as a docker!

You can work as a policeman, but not as a docker?

Why was Paganini a violinist?

Everyone told him to be a barber. But he wanted to play the violin!

That's how he became Paganini!

But you don't play the violin! If you don't go to work on Monday...

...you won't be eating here anymore! Okay?

Are you happy now that your father's a docker?

Call the fire department, the Municipal Police!

Recruit the jobless workers and send them on the spot!

Better yet, you go personally!

And don't forget it's election time!

- What happened? - The Tiber's bursting it's banks.

First the scarlet fever epidemic...

...then the town plan scandal...

...now the Tiber floods! And in the middle of elections!

But, Mr. Mayor, these things are out of our control.

Don't delude yourself, Father. You are too kind.

We are running City Hall and, if the Tiber floods...

...the communists gloat.

- What do you want? - A man wants to talk with Councilman Mandolesi.

- Who is he? - The father of the boy who saved your sors life.

Enough is enough! This child is trying my patience!

- Tell him I'm in Rome. I'll be back in a month! 2! - Okay.

- Why don't you want to see him? - Because I've had it!

Okay, so he saved my son, besides, the water was shallow...

...but I think I've returned the favor.

His mother wants welfare for her father-in-law, the hero.

I use my precious time, here, there. I get him on welfare.

At Christmas I send a package. But no, they want 4!

I send 4, I think it's over with...

And now I have to wait a month? It's a matter of life or death.

I'm the one unloading the sacks! Let me speak with him!

This is a very busy period.

He sees no one and works in the office until midnight.

- But he must go home to eat and drink! - Don't even consider that!

He hates to be bothered at home!

- Miss... - Let's go, pap�.

Shall we go home and wait?

It's really becoming a problem.

They ask for a pass to the movies and I give them the pass.

They ask the Mayor for a job for the father...

...and the Mayor gives him a great job at the city markets!

What more could they ask for?

Are they at least grateful for all you have done for them?

That's the problem: They are too grateful!

At Christmas they sent 10 lbs. Of meat to my home.

I refused it and they sent it back.

We ate it and ended up in the hospital with food poisoning.

- Does the Mayor live here? - On the first floor.

Take this meat and don't drop it. It's fresh.

- Like the meat for the Councilman? - Remember what to tell the Mayor?

- I can't remember anything. - Oh, wonderful!

Ring the doorbell and say: "I am the heroic child".

"Pap� thanks you for the job as docker, but he can't accept".

"He has 2 pieces of shrapnel in his thigh so he can't do heavy work".

"And he did apply for a job with the Municipal Police..."

"...as a motorcyclist!" - It's too long. I can't remember it.

Okay, just say:

..."Look out the window and invite my father up, he'll explain it all".

- Can you remember that? - Let's hope for the best!

Do a good job.

I'm counting on you! Pap� is here waiting for you.

Keep your chin up! Show the Mayor what you're made of!

Shoulders back! Chest out!

They even told me where that woman lives!

I'm surprised you believe these slanderous lies being spread...

...by my political enemies.

Well then, if they're lies, swear to me that it's not true!

You know I don't swear, but we have 3 children...

...we have always stayed together, through thick and thin.

- Mr. Mayor! - Don't you knock before entering?

- What is it? - There's a child. - What child? - It's me.

Pap�, he brought you some meat!

It's you, the little hero!

I cannot accept the meat, I am the Mayor! You do understand?

- Pap� said to leave it here. - Shall I put it in the fridge?

Heavens, no! Let's send it to the flood victims, with the used clothing.

Thank you for the meat. What else do you want?

- Pap� doesn't want the job. - Why not?

He doesn't feel like working.

- And what does he feel like doing? - Ride motorcycles.

Did you hear that? And then they talk about unemployment!

I'd let them feel the whip. Listen, dear child...

Filomena, see the child to the door! I am sorry for you...

...tell him my name's not Mandolesi, and to be ashamed of himself.

And if he shows his face here again asking not to work...

...l'll have him arrested. Go!

No, first brush back and forth and then up and down...

...otherwise it leaves brush marks. - How about a brush in the head? Scat!

- Big deal! - Pap�! - Oh, Remo!

- Did you give him that nice piece of meat? - Yes.

Was he nice to you?

- He said that if we bother him again he'll have you arrested. - Come on!

- And why? - Because you have to work. - Work?

Hello, my friend!

- Who's that? - The kid I saved at the river.

- Carrying an axe, are you? - Luckily your son knew how to swim.

But you should learn too, otherwise, if you can't swim...

...it means trouble for you and others! - You know, my head still hurts!

- Why? - He was hanging on my neck and I was about to drown...

...so I gave him a shot in the head. - Next time hit him harder.

- I'm on my way. - So, go!

- Bye, my friend. - Bye! He has his father's sly eyes.

Tell me exactly what the Mayor said.

That he'll have you arrested.

Did you tell him about the shrapnel in my thigh?

- He wouldn't let me talk! - No?

I guess your mother's right: You do need their help.

I want to see how he acts in front of real Authority.

Let's go home and get the shrapnel!

Mr. Mayor, here's the mail.

A letter with something very heavy in it.

- Ouch! - Did you cut yourself?

But, what is it? A piece of shrapnel.

Careful, you could get tetanus!

- Look how rusty it is. - I'd like to know who this scoundrel is!

Look here!

Dear Mr. Mayor, I am the heroic child's pap�.

This is a piece of shrapnel that was removed from my flesh.

This is why I cannot accept hard work.

How can we get rid of this homicidal maniac?

May I? Excuse me, It's Monsignor Olivieri.

Let him in... Let him in...

Please, enter.

- My dear Augusto! Are you very busy? - I always have time for you.

I don't want to take up your time. I only need a moment.

I would like to introduce you to... Just a moment.

Come in, come in.

...this fine young man. - Honorable Mayor, good morning!

I already know this fine young man.

We even gave him a job. What more can I do?

- I even got cut on your shrapnel! - Huh?

It's not serious.

I had two pieces stuck right here in my flesh.

Indeed, if I may, I'd like to show you the scars...

...so you'll understand why I can't do heavy work. - No, please.

I want you to see firsthand...

- No! See what? - Otello! - There are ladies present!

Pull up your pants!

I told you not to pull down your pants in front of the Mayor!

I told him, but he never listens!

Ma'am, maybe you can make him listen.

Can I work as a docker, in this condition?

Leave her alone, for Heavers sake!

Pardon, the gentleman can make me lose my patience.

If not a docker, what would you like to do?

I can ride a motorcycle. I'd like to be a municipal policeman.

Tell me, what else can you do besides ride a motorcycle.

- What do you mean? - Can you type? - No.

- Do you know anything keeping books? - No.

- How about filing? - No. - Just as I thought!

If the truth must be told today, allow me to say...

...that this fine young man can do nothing.

- If that is the case... - Remember what I said?

- What? - I am a very good motorcyclist.

- Let's put him in the police. - Municipal Police! - Municipal.

Find me the chief officer.

- Do you have a clean record? - Sure! And there's more!

Everyone in my family is of one mind, we know who to vote for.

I've always been for the Government, my wife's in the womers club...

...and my brother-in-law...

...is a "doroteo".

- How much? - 400.

Here.

- Thank you. Good day. - Good day.

- Congratulations to your husband! - Thank you.

- Amalia, does your husband start today? - Yes, he's so excited.

What's going on?

Pap�! What are you doing? Playing with the gun?

You gave the gun to your father?

He's a soldier!

- You told me the safety was on! - No! This is the safety!

With the safety, it doesn't shoot!

Damn! With all this noise I can't think!

I have to get dressed! My things! Give me some air!

Havert you ever seen a policeman?

- Why do you need a gun? - What do you mean, why?

If the thief has the loot, I order him to stop...

...then I shoot in the air and then at the tires.

How you carry on. Shoot him in the head right away...

...or he'll shoot you first.

- And pap�? - He's getting dressed.

Well then? What's wrong? Frightening, huh?

Pap�, you look like a Martian.

How good you look! You're more handsome than when you were sergeant.

- How do you feel? - I don't know.

I feel like a new person, stronger, taller.

Even my voice comes out better, clearer.

But mostly, I'm at ease.

Come on, come out! Let us look at you!

- What's wrong? - Did you slip?

My boots are stiff, they won't bend.

- Oh my heavens! - What's wrong?

- He's fainted! - Everyone calm down!

It's this helmet! It's heavy! I have to get used to it.

I have to walk, I have to limber up!

- You have to do me a favor. - Do you know Amilcare?

Who, the coal man? Rub here.

I've been waiting 20 years. You have to give him a nice 20.000 lira fine.

He can't. What about me? I have 4 or 5 accounts to settle!

Calm down! What are you thinking?

I have a uniform that gives me authority, but not to use for revenge.

And then, your enemies have to wait, mine come first.

- What time is it? - Noon.

I got dressed an hour early. What do I do now?

- Do you want to eat? - No. Better to stay light.

You're nervous, huh? How about a cup of chamomile?

- Me? Nervous?! - How about a glass of wine!

- Now you're talking. - Why not at the bar?

- Why? - So we can see if they give you the raspberries.

Good idea. Come on, let's go.

- Are you holding me up? - I'm afraid you'll fall.

I have to get used to walking on my own!

Hey! Just kidding.

What's that on your head? You look like a goose-stepper.

- Who are you? - D'Ambrogi, the tax collector.

Don't be such a wise guy!

Hey, you still here?

Get this work done!

We can't have you digging here in the neighborhood forever!

- Don't forget the red taillight at sundown! - Of course, officer.

Good day to all!

- Congratulations, Otello! - Thank you.

You look great!

- Really? - You're frightening.

Do you think so?

Here's to your career, Otello!

- I hope it's all you've dreamed of! - Thanks, to your health...

...and to all of your clients, because I never hold a grudge.

See you all later!

Celletti, your first day and already you're a minute late.

Yes sir, Lieutenant.

Your beat is that section of the beltway...

...going from Porta Maggiore to Porta Romana.

It's a pretty normal stretch.

2 km ahead there's a dangerous curve, dead mars curve...

...and, at rush hour this intersection is a little busy.

- Just keep an eye on it. - Don't worry, Lieutenant.

Damn!

What are you doing here?

We want to see you give your first ticket.

- Oh, please! - We've been waiting for this moment.

- Get out of here! - Humor us.

I'm working. Don't embarrass me.

- Are you excited? - Look, you're trembling.

- Leave! - Give someone a ticket, then we'll go.

Move out of the way! I don't need my relatives creating a traffic jam!

Don't force me to punish you!

Did you remove the ball from your father's whistle?

No, I didn't do it!

- What's wrong? - What's wrong?

Nothing, just trying my whistle. Move along. Move, move!

Go!

There's another!

Now you'll see how it's done!

Good morning! Didrt you see the no waiting sign?

Don't you see that there's no waiting from 8:00 am to 2:00 pm?

Look at that!

- Do you have a triangle? - Yes. Here it is.

May I see your license, please?

- Why is there no stamp? - Don't you know it's on the last page?

Forgive me for both the first and the second error.

- Otello, were you wrong? - Leave! I'm off on a car chase!

- Just a minute. - What's wrong?

Try now.

Thanks!

Now where did he go? I'll catch him!

- How will he catch up with him? - Who knows!

If the iron rod projects from the back of the vehicle...

...it must be marked with red and white striped card!

- Oh yeah? - Who said "Oh yeah"?

- We didn't know. - Are you going to fine us?

I'll let you off easy this time!

Don't touch me or I'll take your badge number and report you.

Report who? Who?

I told you! Whenever you have stolen goods...

...the can't has to meet regulations.

Slow down! Go slow! Dead mars curve ahead! Slow!

The road is slick! Easy! Dead mars curve up ahead!

Slow down, you'll skid!

Otello! Did you fall?

I can't wait to tell the guys at the bar...

...we'll laugh 'til we cry! So long!

Wait.

Nando! Nando!

Have you seen Otello?

- That bum? I sure have. - What happened?

- He fined me. - A fine?!

But that's the least of it.

He made me unload and reload all of the goods.

He inspected the entire truck, piece by piece.

He started with the turn signals, the high beams, the low beams...

...the hand brake, the pedal brake. Then, after a while, I said:

..."Otello, think you're funny?". And you know what he said?

- What? - Don't be such a wise guy and show me the registration.

I give it to him, he looks at it, leafs through it, and says:

..."The address isn't clear here. Where do you live?".

That son of a...

"Not clear? You eat and sleep for 7 years at my house..."

"...and you ask for my address?"

- You turned on the wrong side. - But when you whistled I stopped.

No, you tried to pull a sly one. Are you honking?

- May I pull over? - You pull over when I tell you to!

Honking is a violation! Why are you honking?

- He's in the middle of the road! - Stop! Move back! Back up!

Go, keep moving!

I said to back up! Why are you coming forward?

Back up! Back up! Move!

Stop! Halt! Go! Move! Come forward!

Go!

Stop, bus!

Back up!

- American? - No, Roman. - Back up!

Stop!

Halt!

Everybody, forward! Stop!

Oh great! A bunch of wise guys?

Hey you, come forward!

You too, forward!

Stop! I said stop! You, stop!

Go! Stop! Stop!

Keep moving! Honking won't help, there's a traffic jam.

What are you doing? Are you blocking my way?

- Back up! - Don't you see, it's a funeral?

It may be a funeral, but you're blocking the way! Back up!

What's going on?

- What has he done? - He's blocked the road! - I said so!

Can't you see you've blocked the way?

- Amalia! Not you! - But he's an idiot!

Hey, watch what you say! I've been driving for 15 years!

Amalia, go home! Don't you see what's happening?

Stop!

What's wrong? Road blocked?

The Flaminia is blocked. Take the Tiberina.

- Who is that policeman? - He's new.

Keep moving!

What are you doing, peddlers?

I'll lock you up!

What's your problem? Honking? You'll be sorry!

We only see each other once a week, for an hour...

...and you don't even show up.

It's not my fault, my love. The road was blocked.

At least come Saturday, at 3:00 pm. Don't be late, dear.

Saturday, at 3:00 pm on the dot, I'll be all yours.

- The officer in command. - Come in. - Sit down.

Okay, I'll see you on Saturday at 3:00 pm, Chief.

- I'll bring all of the documents. - Saturday at 3:00 pm, pussycat.

Excuse me, commander, on his first day, you assign that officer...

...to the Porta Romana intersection. Did you see what he did?

You are right. I've already taken care of it.

I've transferred him to a very quiet zone, where he can't make trouble.

Hey, shepherd, stop! You and your flock!

And you call it a flock? This isn't a flock, they're sheep!

- Show me your red light. - I only have this one.

- This is a white light. - I don't have a red one.

I should fine you, you should have a white light at the head...

...and a red one at the back. - A fine? To me? Do you know who I am?

- I am Prince Monscalco's head shepherd. - So what?

The Prince said that I don't need a red light.

That it's a waste of time.

On the road, I'm in charge. Tell your Prince...

...that you need a red taillight, or I'll fine you.

Look at him! You're a poor working stiff like me!

Be on your way, before I change my mind!

- There's a car stopped at km 70. - Who cares!

It's up to you! But, it's Sylva Koscina's car.

- Sylva Koscina? The actress? - Yes.

- Sylva Koscina... - Good day!

I heard about your accident and I came right away.

How kind of you. I'm lucky that you've come...

...otherwise I'd be blocked here. - No problem. I am a policeman:

...step out of line and I stop you, ask for help and I fly to your aid...

...especially if Sylva Koscina calls me.

How kind, I truly am in a hurry.

Mario Riva expects me at 4:00 pm for rehearsal...

...this evening I am the guest of honor on Musichiere.

Nothing less than...

Pardon...

- You rehearse for Musichiere? - Yes, of course. - Imagine that.

- I knew there must be a trick... - Pardon.

Ah! What ever happened to that fatso with the double bassoon?

How should I know! But you, do you know motors?

- I do, if I say so myself! - Thank goodness!

- Shall we take a look? - Yes, please!

- Will it take long? - Why? Are you in a hurry?

We'll have it fixed in a flash.

A "once over" to the carburetor, fill it with gasoline...

...and the car should start right up.

So tell me, Sylva Koscina, is the coffee spoon story true?

What story?

They say you eat your soup with a coffee spoon...

...so you won't ruin your mouth. Is it true? - Soup with a coffee spoon?

- Who spreads these silly stories? - How should I know?

I think I read it in a magazine.

I even read that it's very difficult to get into Cinecitt�...

...without a special pass. Is it true?

What have you done? Gas is leaking all over!

Where's the problem?

The carburetor is full so the gas leaks out.

Be careful, Sylva Koscina. Now I'll ground the wires.

Please try to start the motor, you'll see what happens.

- Floor it! - Isn't that dangerous?

Not at all! Dangerous, my eye! I'm here!

I ground the wires. You start the motor...

...the rest is automatic.

- Sylva Koscina, accelerate! - But isn't it dangerous?

I told you it's not dangerous! Floor it!

- Again? - Yes.

- Like this? - All the way to the floor!

Floor it! Listen to that motor hum!

Oh God! What happened?

What a flare-up! These Italian cars.

Why don't you buy a Mercedes? You can afford one.

You've burned the motor! It's full of smoke!

- Now what? - Give me that blanket.

But it's a plaid! I bought it in London! I paid 25,000 lira!

That's a pittance! With what you earn in Cinecitt�!

Would you look at this! Hurry up!

Sylva Koscina, you must have a lot of money!

- All done. - What a mess!

There.

The worst is over. I've put out the fire.

- And now what? - And now what, Sylva Koscina?

Now, how can I get to Rome?

We have some good mechanics in our lovely little city.

We'll call the best! This and more, for Sylva Koscina!

- Oh my! - Do you have a triangle?

- Of course I have one! - What? Don't take it lightly.

Sylva Koscina, a triangle is indispensable!

If someone's coming, the triangle prevents another disaster.

Let's put it at the right distance.

Now we can go and call a mechanic. Bellavista restaurant!

And we can even have a drink. Otherwise, they won't let us phone.

- Look at this! - Would you like some spirits?

Pardon, if I ask you a question...

...but I really would like to know.

- Yes? - Am I photogenic?

- Where is the car? - Here he is! Finally! We've been waiting for you.

- And who is this? - I'm the mechanic!

But, who did you call? He's just a child!

Yes, but already a little man and very good. He's my son.

If I may, allow me to present Sylva Koscina.

Offer your little finger because your hand us filthy.

Pleased to meet you.

- What's wrong with the car? - The motor stopped, I stopped the car...

...then, this gentleman arrived. - I was taking a look...

...when all at once there was a flare-up and then smoke. What's that?

- Did he touch the carburetor? - Yes.

- Did he say he was grounding it? - Yes.

- Did you hear an explosion? - Yes.

- He already blew-up a motorcycle on me. - Really?

Really!

May I have the keys?

Okay. But be careful. I am in your hands.

I have to be in Rome by 8:30 pm at the latest. Mind you!

You little rascal! Sylva Koscina is going to be on Musichiere.

Mind you now, do a good job!

- Your son is a lovely child. - Thank you.

I'm happy. He's a good boy. He has a talent for mechanics...

...for engines, for manual work, in short.

Personally, I am more ideologically inclined:

...contemplation, observation, d�tente.

Observing others, studying the human psychology.

If pressed to say what my inclinations are...

...I must say I'm more inclined to art, song, music...

...theatre.

May I recite a lovely poem for you?

I'd like a little air, if you don't mind.

- Allow me. - No, thank you. You're on duty. I don't want to impose.

Impose?

At your service, Sylva Koscina.

- Where did they go? - Back there.

- To do what? - How should I know? Go and see!

I love you...

...oh pious ox;...

...a gentle feeling of strength and of peace...

...instills my soul.

Thou art as solemn as a statue, as you watch the free, fertile fields...

...or when you bend contented to the yoke...

...to ease mars labor.

Pap�, I'm done.

That was quick! You're quite good! How much do I owe you?

Don't talk of money, You'll offend me!

Offend? You? I worked two hours!

And I spent 1000 lira on a seal. Let' say 1,500 lira in all.

- What brass! - And thank you, dear!

You cheeky child, go buy yourself a giant cone with whipped cream!

- If I may, I'll accompany you. - Thank you, but let's hurry.

I'm so pleased you had this little accident!

Here in the country it's hard to find someone who appreciates...

...a classic piece recited with the sunset as a backdrop.

- Recite it for your wife. - My wife? Never!

My wife is hopeless. Even if I tried to instill her with culture...

...she wouldn't understand.

You know how I manage to resist in that house?

Thanks to my old, cranky father, an intrepid WWI veteran.

What happened?

- My goodness, what happened? - Ouch! Help!

My heavens! My heavens!

- Come on, mate. Come on. - Good Lord, what a knock!

- Did you run into the parked car? - No, into the triangle.

Who invented this idiocy of the triangle?

- If you offend the triangle, I'll lock you up! - Really?

It's used to signal a parked car on the road!

But I saw the car! It's the triangle I didn't see!

- Let's take him to the bar. - No, take him to the hospital!

Get the plate number, I want payment for damages!

Next time keep your eyes on the road, and don't interfere with the police!

Sylva Koscina.

- Is he badly hurt? - Don't worry. It's nothing.

He had a hole in his head like this.

- And now what? - Because of that idiot...

...I have to report the accident. - More time wasted!

- May I see your license, Sylva Koscina? - Actually, I don't have it.

- And why not? - I gave it to my secretary to get it stamped.

- This is a serious problem. - I left in a hurry...

Let me see the car registration then.

I gave that to my secretary as well, to have it renewed.

- Your registration isn't renewed? - Is it a serious offense?

You know I can fine you and even send you to jail for this offense?

You're not going to arrest me, are you? You're such a dear man.

Just think: Otello Celletti puts Sylva Koscina in the slammer.

A great publicity stunt!

Let's not talk about publicity now, please.

Let me go, just this time. I really am late.

There are 18 million TV viewers waiting for me.

- Do me this favor, let me go. - Of course! I was just joking.

- Really? - Who am I, next to a star...

...18 million Italians are waiting for? I bow to you, my respects...

...please go. - Thank you, so much.

You are a true gentleman. How can I repay you?

- I'll write you a note. - Please do.

Sylva Koscina, have a look here.

- No problem. - Really?

- I can't wait to see their faces. - Count on it.

- What luck to have met you! - Goodbye and thank you again.

For so little?

Halt!

- Hi, uncle Nando. - Hi.

Mamma, here's my pay.

There's 500 more because pap� had me do a little job.

Good boy! Go take a bath, it's Saturday.

Then we'll eat and go watch Musichiere.

What job did your father have you do?

He had me fix Sylva Koscina's car.

- Sylva Koscina? - Yeah, the actress.

Sylva Koscina?

- Come back down here. - What do you want, mamma?

- Where did you leave your father? - Behind the haystack.

- With who? - With Sylva Koscina!

- And what was he doing? - He was reciting "Pious Ox".

- "Pious Ox"?! What in the world? - Beats me!

Something to do with a butcher.

Tonight on the Musichiere, we are honored by...

...no less than the lovely Sylva Koscina!

Good evening, Sylva, and welcome to Musichiere.

- Good evening. Thank you, Mario. - Tell me your secret.

- Why? - I saw you 3 days ago, you werert this lovely.

So? What's your secret? Tell us!

That way I can use it! I'm tired of being so ugly!

- Do you really want to know? - Yes.

- I drink milk all day long. - Ah. Okay, I'll stay ugly!

You're beautiful enough for both of us, no?

I don't think she's so great. What do you see in her?

Nothing. What's there to see?

- Are you sure she was behind the haystack with your father? - Yes!

Sylva Koscina!

- Oh, she's much better in person! Hi, Amalia. - Hi.

- Do you know her? - Of course!

- He says he knows her. - Stop it!

Lucky you!

What's wrong?

He says...

What's wrong?

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