Original subtitles

We're at the hospital right now.

Lizzie's still in intensive care, and I haven't

Even seen her yet.

I don't know what's happening.

DOCTOR (OFFSCREEN): Elizabeth.

Um, all the blood work is done.

We should get that back in a couple of hours.

I've notified your doctor, and he will be here

As soon as he can.

Other than that, all your vitals are fine.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): What...

I'm sorry, Doctor.

What... what does that mean?

I mean...

We'll know more...

Do you have any idea what...

Yeah, we'll know more when we get the test results back.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Ma'am, what's going on?

DOCTOR (OFFSCREEN): I...

I don't know.

(WHISPERING) It's OK, baby.

[KISS]

It's OK.

[SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]

[SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]

What?

(TEARFULLY) It's my fault.

Baby.

Baby, come on.

Don't say that.

(TEARFULLY) Where's my baby?

Don't say that, baby.

Don't say that.

(TEARFULLY) My fault.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, my god.

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): [SOBBING]

[KNOCK]

You.

Turn the camera off.

SGT WILSON (OFFSCREEN): Sir, I'm Sergeant Wilson.

This is Sergeant Langley.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Officers.

Did you guys, uh, did you guys come from the house?

SGT WILSON (OFFSCREEN): No, we came straight here.

Is there anybody at the house?

SGT LANGLEY (OFFSCREEN): Yeah, we've got a team there.

SGT WILSON (OFFSCREEN): Sir, ma'am, we'd like to ask you a

Couple questions, if that's all right?

(WHISPERS) Yeah, it's OK, baby.

SGT WILSON (OFFSCREEN): You two alone last night?

Yeah.

SGT LANGLEY (OFFSCREEN): Who's this?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): He's just her brother.

He just... he just flew in.

SGT WILSON (OFFSCREEN): Ma'am, did you hear or

See anything at all?

Ma'am, I know this is tough, but it's very important.

Can you give us any insight into where

Your child might be?

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): (SOBBING) I don't know.

SGT WILSON (OFFSCREEN): Ma'am, have you been under a lot of

Stress lately?

OK, officers...

SGT WILSON (OFFSCREEN): Taking any drugs?

We already went over this with the doctors.

OK?

We went over all of this with the doctors.

SGT WILSON (OFFSCREEN): We understand.

We understand.

We're just trying to find out if there's something that you

Guys can tell us about your baby.

LIZ: [WHIMPERING]

SGT LANGLEY (OFFSCREEN): Ma'am, why... why don't you

Start telling us exactly what happened last night.

Uh, Officers, look, could we... could we not

Do this right now?

SGT WILSON (OFFSCREEN): Sir.

Could we just not do this right now?

SGT LANGLEY (OFFSCREEN): It's OK.

Go ahead.

I...

I just don't want to talk about this right now.

Oh, I understand.

No, I don't...

I don't want you talking to her right now.

SGT WILSON (OFFSCREEN): (FIRMLY) Do not put your hands on me.

(SHOUTING) Do not put your hands on me!

[LIZ WAILING]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Holy shit!

[BEEP]

[HEAVY SIGH]

These last few months have been really hard on us all.

I mean, especially for Liz.

Um, the police have been investigating

Her and Rick, and...

I mean, the media is...

I mean, the story's everywhere.

She can't even leave her own house.

Uh, Rick and I are going to get her away for a little bit.

Stick her somewhere peaceful, quiet.

And I'm going to be documenting it the whole time.

Which I know is weird, but you know, basically, I have a...

A school project that's film-based, and I just figured

I could take the opportunity to show everybody what my

Sister's really like.

Not...

Not what everyone thinks she is.

I don't know what happened to the baby.

And I've been trying to figure it out every

Since I got that call.

But I love my sister, and I know that she wouldn't do

Anything to harm her own child.

But I don't really know...

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know what to think.

[SCREAMING]

Help!

No!

Help me!

Help!

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): [PANTING]

[POUNDING]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Lizzie!

Liz!

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): [HYPERVENTILATING]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Liz?

[POUNDING]

RICK (OFFSCREEN): You're OK...

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): You OK?

[POUNDING]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Rick?

[POUNDING]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Rick, open up!

Fuck...

Liz!

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Hey!

Hey!

Come on, stop, stop.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Dude, what is going on in there?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): She's fine.

It's just a bad dream, all right?

Why... why is the camera on?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Dude, what is happening in there,

Man?

She just had a bad dream.

She's going back to sleep.

Go to bed.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Go to bed.

(SARCASTICALLY) Go to bed.

Hey, Rick, I feel like I'm in 1984 in Japan, man.

Ha, ha, that's funny.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): This car is amazing.

No, seriously, are you... Are you actually...

Are you saving this so that... In hopes that it becomes a

Collector, and you just, like, make a ton of money off of it?

Or what's the reason you have it still?

[SIGH]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): I'm just kidding.

Anyway...

Do you ever stop talking?

Um, so we're on our way to the cabin.

This trip is obviously, you know, part vacation and, uh,

Part therapy for Liz.

Hey, man, open the trunk.

Um, so, I'm just going to document the

Healing process of...

Of my sister.

Dude, open the trunk, seriously.

Oh, yeah, you're gonna drive away?

That's really cute, man.

Can you open the...

See that lightning out there?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): No.

A storm cloud moving in.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Aah.

(IN NERDY VOICE) Hm.

Yeah.

That's really interesting.

I mean, hm, wow.

Oh, look.

Hm, there's a lightning bolt.

Hey, you do you wear aviator glasses because

You were in the army?

That's right.

That's exactly right.

That makes complete sense.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): God, man.

You should probably go a little slower.

Um, just... just so we're safe.

Because...

Hey, Liz, will you turn that up?

The radio?

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): Yeah.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, yeah, that's right.

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): Let me just... oh.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): There's... There's not a radio.

God, this car is just a piece of junk.

[DOOR SLAMS]

Hey, what, are you skipping town?

Trying to, uh, avoid the cops after what they did to...

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, hey, Randy.

Randy Kessler.

Yeah.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): What's up, man?

It's me.

It's Evan.

Do you remember me from high school?

Yeah, I remember you, dude.

Yeah, sweet shirt.

That was the one you wore at prom, right?

Oh, yeah, hah.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): It's nice.

That's awesome.

Lady killer, man.

I thought you were up at some college or something.

I am.

I'm, uh, I'm at Northwestern.

I'm studying film.

Um, actually, I'm doing a documentary right now.

It's about inbreeding and its connection with high school

Dropout rates.

Do you think I could interview you for it?

Heh, heh.

Did you get that yet?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Hey.

Yeah, I got it.

Hey.

Hey.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Tough guy.

Uh oh.

Relax, man.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Welcome to the military.

That's right.

Bye-bye, Randy.

Good to see you.

Turn that damn camera off.

Listen, if you were in any real situation for more than

Like a day and a half, you would not last.

You know that, right?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): What do you mean, real situation?

You talking about the army at war?

I mean like anything that really mattered.

Anything that really counted, you know?

Like where, where people's lives were on the line, where

It mattered...

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Like... like war?

Dude, I could...

Anything.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): You know what I could be?

I could go document the war...

Like an earthquake, man.

Like, like...

Like a tsunami.

You would be hiding behind the camera, and in a day and a

Half, you would be just crying and shriveled up in a ball.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): That's so not true.

I would be there, documenting...

So you're the smart-ass.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): On the forefront of anything going

On, and I would document it, and I'd make bank from doing

It.

You know, smart-ass, clever comments do not get you out of

Situations.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, really?

Does that...

It's not a skill that matters in life.

There wasn't, like, basic aboriginal or Native American

People who survived with the tribe because they were

Smart-asses.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, blah, blah.

What do you do, just sit there and read encyclopedias all...

Like you're just... ugh.

Smart-ass comments...

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): At least I entertain people, make

People laugh.

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): OK, guys.

Can we play the car game, or something?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Car game!

And... and, and it not being antagonizing each other?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): All right.

It's fine.

I'm not...

I'm not... honey, I'm not trying to antagonize him.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): I mean, I'm not... yeah, we're just...

I'm just trying to make a point.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): We're just being men.

I'm just saying, you know what?

He could probably do better than a smart-ass comment every

Five minutes.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Whoa, there's the train

I'm supposed to catch.

Weee-ooo!

Chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga.

(WITH CHINESE ACCENT) Yang Ming!

Yang Ming!

That train's bound for China.

[TRAIN WHISTLE]

RICK (OFFSCREEN): [LAUGHTER]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): (WITH CHINESE ACCENT) That train's...

That train's bound for China.

[OTHERS LAUGH]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): (WITH CHINESE ACCENT) Hurry, we got

To come onto that.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): What's wrong, baby?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, do you have a nosebleed, Liz?

Yeah.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Oh, Jesus.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): You OK?

Yeah, no, it's fine.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Dude, pull over here.

Oh, crap!

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Just wipe it on the seats.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Hold on a second.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): It'll make them look better.

Babe, we're just gonna pull over right now.

Yeah.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Yeah, just tip your head back, baby.

Hold on one second.

Let me...

I'm gonna get you, uh, some napkins or something, OK?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Seriously, Liz, just wipe it

On the seat.

Are you going for a beer?

He's such a drunk.

Such a drunk.

He's leaving you for the alcohol.

You know, this is a sign for things to come.

[THUNDER ROLLS]

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Hey, come on.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Chug along, chug...

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

Dude.

Wow, this is actually nice.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Wow.

I think that's the first nice thing you've

Said the whole way.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Wow, man.

Seriously, this is really nice.

'K, stop... stop the car, dude.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Hey, you wanna wait till I'm in park?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Wow.

Look at that thing.

Freaking huge.

Oh, sweet, a barbecue.

Check out the view.

Wow.

Wilderness.

Hey, buddy, you want to come help with the bags?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll be there in a sec.

You get most of them though.

Oh my god.

Dude, a hot tub.

This is a hot tub!

I'm bringing the ladies over!

Whooo!

This is gonna be the best trip.

Oh, yeah.

Check this out.

What's going on?

Holy shit.

[THUNDER ROLLS]

RICK (OFFSCREEN): You gotta eat more.

You shouldn't be losing weight.

Um...

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): A-a-a-a-hem-hem.

Oh, sorry.

Did I, uh, interrupt, there?

No, you're fine.

You gonna have that camera on all the time, man?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah, I am, actually.

The whole trip.

Anyway.

Uh, I'm headed to bed, guys.

I was just going to see what's going on tomorrow.

Um, I think we're going shopping.

Yeah, we should hit the grocery store, yeah.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Grocery?

Store?

Food?

Yeah, [INAUDIBLE], yeah.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): You cooking?

I will probably be cooking, yes.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Will you be wearing an

Apron, is the question?

[BOTH LAUGH]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Anyway, I'm...

I'm going to bed.

Do you want to go in the morning?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah.

Uh, uh...

I don't know.

We'll see in the morning.

I'll try to...

I'll try to wake you up.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah, just give me a... give me a

Little nudge, and I might hiss at you.

Mm.

OK.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): OK.

All right, good night, guys.

Good night.

Well, that went, uh, that went OK.

Took a little while to get here, but we are here.

So that's good.

Yeah, I'm just trying to keep things

Light, keep Liz laughing.

Of course, Rick thinks I'm not taking

Things seriously enough.

But, um, I'm just trying to be normal, you know?

Because honestly?

This isn't normal.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Hey, Lizzie.

Good morning.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): You doing a little reading?

Yeah.

Yeah, Rick got me a book.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Cool.

Hey, can we do the interview right now?

Right now?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah, is that fine?

Um, can we just wait a few minutes?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Sure, yeah, no problem.

I'll just... how about I come get you?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): OK, sure.

I'll be in my room.

OK.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Cool.

How are you and Rick doing?

Good.

Yeah.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): How's he dealing with the loss?

Um...

I, you know, it's hard, I think, for him.

But yeah, he's...

He doesn't really show it.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Can you tell me about the night you

Lost your baby?

Um.

Yeah, um, it was, uh...

J-just a night.

A normal night.

Um, and I think...

I think I fell asleep reading.

And um, and then I woke up in the morning.

Really early in the morning.

And, um...

Everything was really normal, except, um...

I just wasn't pregnant anymore.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): How far into the pregnancy were you?

Um, seven months.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Was it it a boy or a girl?

It was...

It was a girl.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Did you pick out a name for her?

[CLEARS THROAT]

No, we didn't pick out a name.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Do you ever wonder what she would

Have looked like?

No.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): OK?

What are you going to do with the...

The baby room?

I don't know.

I hadn't thought about it.

I think Rick will probably take care of that.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): And all of her toys?

Do you remember how Mom would always, um, she always thought

We didn't need all the toys that we had, so she'd

Constantly be taking loads to the Goodwill?

The ones that she "didn't think we played with a lot."

Do you remember that?

She gave away that A-frame house of mine.

I was so pissed.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah, I...

I remember.

She never even asked, you know?

She just, like, took them to the Goodwill.

Mom.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah.

Yeah, no, I remember that.

Um...

Ev?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah?

I'm gonna ask you something.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah, of course, Liz.

Um...

Can you... can you promise me something?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah.

Just promise that you won't leave.

That you won't give up on me, please?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): No, of... of course.

No, I'd never leave you.

No, we're gonna be fine...

(SHARPLY) 'Cause I didn't kill my fucking baby, OK?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): OK.

[KNOCK]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Hey, Lizzie?

Yeah?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Hey.

Hey.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Wow, you're already making, making

The bed here.

What, did Rick pee the bed again?

Or is he on his period?

Ha, ha, ha.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Hey, do you want to go for a swim with

Me, or a walk, or something like that?

No, know you know what?

I think I'm just gonna stay in, take it easy.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Seriously?

Yeah.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): We came all the way out here, and

You're gonna stay inside?

Today, yeah.

Are you seriously pouting right now?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Well, I just think it's...

I don't know.

Aw.

Oh.

(IN BABY VOICE) Does my little brother want me to make him

Some lunch?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): (IN BABY VOICE) Yes, he does.

Yes.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): (IN BABY VOICE) Yes, he does.

What does he want?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Um, a rump roast and a rack of lamb.

Oh.

Huh.

OK.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah, as fast as possible.

Yeah, I'll get right on that.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Good.

You know what?

Um, Rick is outside.

How about you go help him?

And maybe find out if he wants some rack of lamb.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): OK.

Or maybe see if he wants to sell his car any time soon.

OK.

Or that.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Hey, Rick.

You out here, man?

Rick!

Oh, what's up, dude?

Wow, Paul Bunyan himself.

Look at that guy.

Heh.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Such a man.

Oop, excuse me.

I'll go this way.

I was going down the stairs, so you go that way?

Yeah, you're...

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Are you going this way?

You're hysterical.

Move out of my way.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, OK.

Hey man, I just wanted to help you, though.

Seriously.

Can I grab something?

Yeah, actually, here.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, I'll just grab...

I'll just... cool.

Glad I could help.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): So.

Didn't like that joke, eh?

Little grumpy?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Yeah, it's about a couple thousand

People, I guess.

Except, you know, peak vacation periods, it's more.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): This place is really cool.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Yeah.

Yeah, I really actually like this town.

My Aunt Lily and I used to come down here all the time.

You know, go shopping.

There's a little antique toy shop around the corner.

Get ice cream, whatever.

It was a lot of fun when I was a kid.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah, maybe I'll come back and do an

Introspective on the place.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Yeah.

Yeah, there's a lot of interesting

People here, actually.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): [LAUGHS]

I'm not going to do that.

Hey, Rick.

Hey, Rick.

What?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Hey, I was just wondering, at what

Point do you start wearing shoes for comfort, as opposed,

You know, for looks?

I mean, the tennis shoes are sweet, but do you just run

Everywhere?

At what point do you think that what you

Think matters to me?

You guys?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Um...

Hey, I'm going to go do the actual shopping.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): All right.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): All right.

No, it's OK.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Look, look.

Now you pissed off your sister.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Hey, shut your face.

Check this out, dude.

Bolitachas Watermelon.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Unbelievable asshole.

Dude, check these out.

Bolitachas Watermelon.

Like that?

Bam.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): That is kind of nutso.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Whoa, nice.

Look at this.

Look at this.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): What?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Ooh, yeah, I like those tights.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): What are you looking at?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Is that... Is that some cheek?

Oh, yeah.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Hey, hey, hey...

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): What?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Hey.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): What?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Don't do that.

She doesn't know you're filming here.

Don't do that.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): What do you mean?

There's a head attached to that ass.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): So?

So maybe you should go talk to her, instead.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Fine.

You know, like a person.

You can use your funny lines, you know?

All your clever talk and all that business?

Here, gimme that.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah, I don't have a

Problem with that.

Watch this.

Watch this.

Check it out.

RICK (BEHIND CAMERA): Ah, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Ehh, oh.

GIRL (OFFSCREEN): Oh, sorry...

CLERK (OFFSCREEN): Can I help you?

No, no, that's fine.

Um, I was actually...

I had a question for you.

Excuse me for a moment.

Have you ever tried the Bolitachas Watermelon?

RICK (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh.

I've tried regular watermelon...

RICK (BEHIND CAMERA): Wow.

But not Bolitachas.

Mm.

No, I haven't tried it, sorry.

Yeah, excuse me.

Excuse me.

Yeah?

What's your name?

Uh, Evan.

Evan.

Evan.

That's good.

What's with this?

What's with that?

Yeah,

Uh, it's my, uh, brother-in-law.

He's a little...

[WHISTLES]

Aha.

Runs in the family, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, let me give you a little bit of advice.

Yeah, yeah.

Greg, be nice.

You're barking up the wrong tree.

RICK (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh.

Grandpa just cock-blocked him.

She, uh, could have a man.

[INAUDIBLE]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah, but I'm willing to find that

Out.

Yeah, well.

Well, this is highly awkward.

Anyway, I'm...

I'm gonna...

Just... before you leave, I want to introduce myself.

RICK (BEHIND CAMERA): [LAUGHS QUIETLY]

EVAN (OFFSCREEN): My name's Evan.

RICK (BEHIND CAMERA): Uh, how do you...

OK.

That's better.

Hey, babe.

You look pretty.

Ah!

RICK (BEHIND CAMERA): What's that?

So good.

This, my friend, is a number.

RICK (BEHIND CAMERA): Fake number.

From Meg.

RICK (BEHIND CAMERA): Fake number.

The girl I just met in there?

RICK (BEHIND CAMERA): $5 if it works.

Yeah, well, uh, it's actually because I don't wear tennis

Shoes, Rick.

RICK (BEHIND CAMERA): Really?

EVAN (OFFSCREEN): Got style.

RICK (BEHIND CAMERA): Really?

EVAN (OFFSCREEN): Ladies love me.

[FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

[POUNDING]

[SCREAM]

(LAUGHING) Oh, my...

[EXHALES HEAVILY]

Oh my god.

You should have seen your face.

Wow!

Wow!

Evan, 1, Rick 0.

You like that?

Start running.

Yeah.

Start running.

Wait, are you serious?

[DOOR BURSTS OPEN]

EVAN (OFFSCREEN): Oh my god.

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

My mouth.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah.

When I scared you, did you actually shit your pants?

No, no, no, I'm serious.

Did you... did...

Did a poop nugget actually fall out into your panties?

I mean underwear.

Into your underwear.

You know what?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): [SNICKERING]

You know what?

You got me.

OK?

You got me.

It's great.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah.

Game's on.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah, OK, I'm waiting.

I'm so scared, too.

Hey, don't be scared, now.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Hey, check out your wife.

She's actually laughing at you.

Are you laughing at me?

Mm-mm.

She's not laughing at me.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): She is too.

I know.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): No, I have to document this, man.

I have to document all this stuff.

[LAUGHS]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): This is all...

All film-related stuff, man.

Really?

Call They call this film-related stuff?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah, they actually do.

Speaking of films, Rickster...

Rick...

R-Money?

I don't have a nickname for you yet, but it's coming.

Those were good.

Oh, I can't wait.

Those were pretty good.

Gee, I can't wait.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): What is your...

Your top film of all time?

I got to know this.

OK.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah, 'cause maybe this'll bring us

Closer, you know?

You know what?

Valid question.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Bonding moment.

Oh, god...

No, no, honey, it's good.

He needs to know what actual good film is.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Uh-huh.

Top film of all time, three-way tie.

Three "Planet of the Apes," the originals

With Charlton Heston.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): OK, I'll...

That passes, but barely.

What are you talking about, barely?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Well, you were... at least you went

With the original.

If you went with the Mark Wahlberg one?

Great movie.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Wow.

But not top movie of all time.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): My camera's about to explode.

No, great movie.

I mean, how do you...

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, god, it's exploding.

How do you take a classic series like that and turn it

Into something fantastic?

Hey, I'll just make films about...

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Did you guys hear that?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): My stupid jokes.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Did you see that?

Do you guys see that?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Yeah, it's, uh...

I don't know.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Are you hearing this?

It's weird.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Yeah.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): It's almost blinking.

Hm.

Huh.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): It's probably some camping

Equipment or something.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Heh heh.

Yeah.

It's probably just kids out there, fucking with us.

Whatever.

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): Hey, it's... It's kind of cold out here.

Want to go inside, you think?

Yeah.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Sure.

Sure, if you want to.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Hey, man, you want me to grab you

Another one?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Oh, sure.

Why not?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): All right.

I got you, bro-ski.

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): Oh.

I got a brewski for my bro-ski...

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Babe.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Babe.

OK, here, let's go to the bathroom.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Uh oh.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Come on.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oof.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Just keep you head back.

Here you go, baby.

Here you go.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Is it bad?

OK, it's bad.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Oh, all right.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): It's definitely bad.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): I'm gonna get you some more tissue.

Hold on.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, god.

Oh...

RICK (OFFSCREEN): H-here you go, baby.

Here you go.

Here, can you just... can you get out of here, please?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): OK, yeah.

All right.

Wow.

Wow, you look like a walrus.

You should have just used some of Ricks tampons.

[SNICKERS]

Ha, that's so funny.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Ow!

Dude, this is expensive, man.

That hurt?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Ow.

Maybe you should get some gauze pads.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): I hate you.

I didn't know...

I didn't know you smoked, man.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Yeah, n-neither does Liz, so don't

Say anything.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): All right.

I think I'm ready for you.

Can you come over here?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): [EXHALES]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Didn't the cops come?

No.

The ambulance came, and the paramedics were just asking

About abortion and all this stuff, and we couldn't answer.

We didn't do anything, you know?

And the doctors at the hospital were all just looking

At us like they knew what we'd done.

The cops finally showed up.

You know, they wanted our statements, so they wanted to

Take us to the station.

And so when we got released, we went to the station.

But they didn't want our fucking statements.

They wanted to interrogate us.

They started asking us all these questions, you know?

Like, if we really wanted a baby, how our marriage was,

Just all this shit.

And, uh, just fucking bullshit.

And then they let us go.

And they looked around for like a day.

And they told us not to leave town, because they were

Watching us.

They didn't say that, but that's what they were doing.

They were fucking watching us.

And, uh...

You know they checked our plumbing?

They checked our fucking plumbing.

Like we fucking...

Then the media, and the town, everyone started, like,

Looking at us like we'd done something.

And so we just left, you know?

I mean, really, honestly, if I...

I don't know what happened.

I mean, it doesn't make any sense.

And the only person that might know is Lizzie, and she can't

Remember anything, you know?

She can't...

Maybe it's like, you know, some guys over there, they,

You know, in the service or whatever, they just block

Things out because they can't face it or something.

I don't know.

(TEARFULLY) I built a crib, man.

I built a crib.

I didn't buy it.

I built it.

And, uh, we were buying clothes and toys and stuff.

Uh, I'm gonna...

I gotta go check on Lizzie, so I'm gonna...

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): 'K. (WHISPERING) Jesus.

I don't know...

I don't know what to say.

Um...

I mean, if...

If Rick isn't sure...

I don't know.

Look, L-Lizzie's my best friend.

And I...

I don't know.

This is fucked up.

[BEEP]

[BEEP]

[LOW, RUMBLING ELECTRONIC HUM]

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Yeah, I'll have your

Eggs done in a minute.

Huh?

[INAUDIBLE].

Uh, so this is day three...

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Unbelievable.

We're just chilling in the cabin.

Uh, Liz, I wanted to ask you.

Did you have any nightmares last night?

Nope.

OK.

How you feeling emotionally?

It's good.

What's so funny?

So, um...

What are you guys...

So what's up with, uh, the girl?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Oh!

What's the plan?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Yeah, that's right.

I guess I owe you $5.

Because, I mean, the number was totally real, right?

Yeah.

That's amazing.

I mean, unless, of course, she steals all your stuff in the

Middle of the night, and then, I don't know.

I guess you...

I mean, you could pay it back to me, because then was kind

Of a fake number, really, 'cause it's not really...

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Steals...

Steals all my stuff?

So what's the plan?

Are you gonna take her out?

Or bring her back here?

No, yeah, I was just gonna, I was gonna take her to dinner

And bring her back here, and... what?

I don't get why you think this is so funny...

That'll be fun.

It's like you think I'd never...

No, it'll be fun.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Hey, honey, you don't think he's a

Professional, do you?

No.

You're such a jerk, man.

No, we can hang out, we can all hang out, and then, you

Know, we can leave, so you can have some privacy.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): [LAUGHS]

That's fucking hilarious.

You guys are dicks.

I'm leaving.

Aww.

So where did you go to school, Megan?

I actually graduated from Brown just this last...

Last year.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Wow.

Oh, that's so cool.

Yeah, it's super fun.

They have a really good writing program, so yeah.

Is that what you, uh, are planning

To do, is be a writer?

Yeah.

I mean, I'm working on a novel now.

I had a... they published one of my short stories out there,

Which is super exciting.

Oh, that's cool.

Wow.

But, uh...

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Hey, I didn't think they could, uh,

Light fires on the lake.

[ZAP]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): What's that?

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): 'Cause of the water?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Smells terrible!

RICK (OFFSCREEN): No, there's... there's

Not a tide in a lake.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Ugh, that's so bad.

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): Oh, god...

What is that?

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Really?

Is that how we appear to you?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): That's, uh, that's how it is.

Maybe we should keep walking.

They just crushed it and burned it.

They didn't even try to eat it.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Ugh.

Looks like...

[ELECTRONIC ZAP]

[AUDIO CUTS IN AND OUT]

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Funny.

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): Oh, ho, ho.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): I tried to tell her we shouldn't live

Anywhere colder.

Well, I just want... the White Christmas idea.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): It is definitely really nice... oh,

God, does he ever turn that thing off?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): No.

You're just so close.

No, I don't.

It's on all the time.

I'm a filmmaker.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Really?

Yep.

But he's never seen "Casablanca." Literally.

I know.

Yeah.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Never seen it.

That's a travesty.

And don't know where you're considering your studying, but

I'm just gonna school him.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, I gotta go with her.

See you guys.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Bye, children.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Uh, oh.

I'm gonna go watch "Casablanca" now.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): [LAUGHS]

You know what?

Don't get too excited, OK?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Teach me things.

Teach me movie things, yeah?

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): OK. "Casablanca." Humphrey Bogart.

Ingrid Bergman.

Just so good.

You've never heard...

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Respect.

Mad respect.

"Here's lookin' at you, kid?"

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Pop it in.

Let's do this.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Here's looking at you, kid.

With the little...

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Is that what they say in it?

With the, this?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): That's where that comes from?

With that guy?

Mm-hm.

One of those.

It's just so good.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): I mean, I'm not that stupid.

Obviously, I know that's where that comes from.

I just haven't sat down and watched the movie yet.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Which is horrible, I'm sorry.

[FEEDBACK WHINE]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Ow!

[FEEDBACK WHINE]

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Oh, god!

[FEEDBACK WHINE]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): (VOICE DISTORTED) What the fuck?

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Ow!

Ow!

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Aah.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Oh, my ears.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh my god.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Um, all right.

Let me just... uh, let me check the circuits.

I'll be right back.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Um, so I can't hear.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Did you have that, like,

High-pitched whistle...

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Ev, what did...

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Going on in your ears?

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): What happened?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh my god, I totally had that.

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): Wait, what, what...?

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): I put the DVD in, and I think I...

I broke something?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh.

(CALLING) Yeah, lights are on.

Oh my god.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): I'm sorry.

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): No, it's not your fault.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): The lights are on, dude.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Yeah, I know they're on.

I turned them on.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Uh, none of the breakers were blown.

I just flipped the main circuit.

What happened in here?

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): I just stuck the DVD

In and it just started.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Can you show me what you did?

Yeah.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): My ears are bleeding.

OK.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): [SCREAMS]

Whoa!

[LAUGHING]

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): Ev.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): (LAUGHING)

Sorry, I had to do that.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): So not funny.

All right, I think it's fine.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, that was pretty good, you guys.

Hey.

How's it going?

Uh, so I'm on cloud nine, because I just made out with

Megan this afternoon.

Which was awesome.

I'm pretty happy about it.

Oh, and I have to go on record and point out that why is that

Every time you're in the cabin in the

Woods, weird stuff happens?

Like, why is that?

It's like the weirdest thing.

I feel like Rick is just gonna, you know, carry me out

Into the woods and murder me with an axe.

Heh, heh.

Nnnggh.

That wouldn't happen, right?

Guys?

Guys?

No, just joking.

[BEEP]

[ELECTRONIC STUTTER]

[LOW RUMBLING]

[LIZ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY IN OTHER ROOM]

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): It hurts.

Oh, I'm sorry.

[INAUDIBLE].

My...

My baby.

No.

No, no...

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Hey, what's up, guys?

What are you guys doing?

Hey, get out of the way.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, sorry, man.

What are you guys doing?

Let's go outside?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): I'm just, uh, in the

Middle of this game.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah, but we can watch

Football any time, man.

Let's go outside.

We're out here in the wilderness.

Let's get some fresh air.

Let's go swimming.

I'm actually going with Meg down to the lake right now.

There's like a rope swing.

We can go jump off it.

Come on.

You want to go?

Sure.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Sweet.

It'd be good.

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): Yeah, it could be fun.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Rick, do you want to bring anything?

Like a, like a football, toss around, something?

Yeah, we can bring a football.

Sure.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Wow, this place is really nice.

It's amazing.

My family would just come down here and have, like, picnics

And lake parties, you know?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Nice.

It's fun.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): That's so cool.

Hey, Liz, you remember that time Mom and Dad took us to

Lake O'Dell?

And then you ran off with that kid to "explore," quote,

Unquote?

Yeah.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah.

That was horrible.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): And then when you got back, Dad

Practically castrated him?

Yeah.

Oh, that poor boy.

I couldn't look at him the same way after he started

Crying like that.

Probably deserved it.

Yeah, our Dad was a little intimidating.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): He was... He was a tough guy.

When he was angry.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): When he... yeah,

When you crossed him.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Fun.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Heh, heh.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Where are they now?

Do you guys have, like, big Christmas get-togethers?

No, no, they passed away several years ago.

Ev was about 12.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah.

Sorry to hear that.

Hm.

It's all right.

We did OK.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Seems like it.

Stuck together.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah, Liz raised me.

Oh.

Cool.

You did an OK job.

I did OK.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Yeah.

Eh.

And where did you two meet?

Funny.

Hm?

Where did you guys meet?

Um, at a party.

A friend of mine I was working with invited me to a party at

His house, and she was there.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): She was drunk, though.

I was drunk.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): She had her beer goggles on.

Then she saw you and was like, I love that.

That looks so good.

That's what happened.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): So mean.

He was, um, he was the new guy in town.

It's a big deal, you know.

Yeah.

Small towns.

It's kind of a big deal.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): You know what's up.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Slim pickins.

Yeah, indeed.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): When'd you guys get married?

Um, about four years ago.

Wow.

Four years is a big deal.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Four years is

Way too long, actually.

So, babies?

Are they coming soon?

Four years.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Um, maybe.

We'll... we'll see.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): There's this super awesome rope swing

That's like...

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, yeah.

Rope swing.

You were telling me about that.

Yeah, my... my bro basically would, like, peer pressure me

Into jumping off of it, and I would just sit there and be

Like, no, I don't want to, please don't make me.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Would he tie... tie you up in it?

And he's just push me.

No, 'cause then you can't let go of the

Rope swing, city boy.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Well, then how do you get

Peer-pressured into it?

I mean, at what point...

Because, see, you know, I mean, you never really had an

Older brother.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah, whatever.

You want to be cooler.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): You're full of it.

Let's go.

Come on, let's go.

Let's have you see.

Let's see if you can do the fucking rope swing.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): I can do...

MEGAN (BEHIND CAMERA): OK.

EVAN (OFFSCREEN): All right, take this.

OK.

So I'm going to go show Rick how to actually jump off a

Rope swing...

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Hoo-ah!

EVAN (OFFSCREEN): Oh!

Oh, ho, ho!

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Oh, he just showed you!

Yeah, whatever, man.

Belly flop.

Belly flop, all the way.

Yeah, watch this.

Watch this.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Yeah, I coulda [INAUDIBLE]

A little bit.

What's that?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Let's see it better, pal.

Yeah, I got you.

This is gonna be easy.

Boo-rah!

Oh my god.

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): Oh my god.

It's like two feet deep here!

I mean, honestly.

[WOMEN LAUGHING]

You all right?

I face-planted!

[WOMEN LAUGHING]

Owwww!

There's just rocks!

Nobody knows anything.

It's a bona fide mystery.

No doctors, no nothing.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): She just woke up and it was gone?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah.

Exactly.

We...

We honestly don't know what happened.

It's... it's messed up.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Wow.

That's... that sucks.

I'm sorry.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): No, that's... no, that's fine.

That's fine.

Wow, look at this tree.

This is incredible.

That is amazing.

Looks like a churro, if you look at it in a certain way.

You know, or not.

Looks like a tree, also.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): It's really quiet.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

Probably just an animal.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): We should probably go.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): No, no, it's fine.

It's fine.

It's probably just...

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): No, seriously.

We should go.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): No, no, no, seriously, I got you.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): No.

Evan, seriously, please?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): No, Meg, it's OK.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Please?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): OK.

Sure.

Really?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): OK.

OK, show me your tits.

Are you joking right now?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): (LAUGHING) I'm sorry.

Just kidding.

You really think that anything's gonna happen with

That thing on?

It's the dumbest thing.

We're in a Jacuzzi, and you have a camera on?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Hey, I bring it everywhere.

Yeah, no.

No, that's... really?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): That's really.

Well, you could turn it off and see what happens.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Uhm, but then nobody would know it's...

Duh-nuh.

Duh-nuh, duh-nuh, duh-nuh...

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): I'm gonna turn it off.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): OK, good.

MEGAN (BEHIND CAMERA): All right, now tell me about how

You feel about the modern warfare over in Iraq.

And tell me about your...

You're just... now you're just mocking me.

I get it.

MEGAN (BEHIND CAMERA): I would never mock you.

Oh, yeah, you're a documentarian.

MEGAN (BEHIND CAMERA): I'm not that person.

No, I just feel like you're kinda being...

MEGAN (BEHIND CAMERA): So hey, hey, Evan, how... how are your

Emotions today?

You're looking better.

What... what has led to that?

What... well, well...

OK, let me just tell you something...

MEGAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Wait, wait, wait, did you see that?

EVAN (OFFSCREEN): What?

MEGAN (BEHIND CAMERA): That.

Right... right there.

EVAN (OFFSCREEN): Holy shit.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Fuck, the the light just went off.

EVAN (OFFSCREEN): What the fuck?

Holy shit.

MEGAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Is there, like, a...

EVAN (OFFSCREEN): Fuck, what is that?

That's weird.

Holy shit.

Look at my... my lights on my dashboard.

MEGAN (BEHIND CAMERA): What?

Oh.

Is it...

Is the car...

EVAN (OFFSCREEN): Uh, yeah, I got nothing here.

Oh my god.

This is weird.

MEGAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, god, I'm kinda freaked out a

Little bit.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Reoooowwwwwrrrrr.

Rooowrrrr.

[HISS]

[LAUGHS]

God damn.

Who has this in their living room?

[HUGE THUD]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): [BREATHING SHAKILY]

[LAUGHTER]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Goddamn it, Rick.

You didn't even scare me.

Such a jerk.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): What are you doing down here?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Hello?

Rick...

(SHOUTING) Goddamn kids!

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Hey, quiet.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): (SHOUTING) Get of our porch!

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Be quiet!

Stop screwing around, Evan.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Dude, there's kids on our porch.

Jesus, go back to sleep.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): There's kids on our porch.

Go back to sleep already.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Fine.

Anyway, it was legitimately frightening.

I mean, I was scared out of my mind.

I don't get, like, why you guys aren't...

It was scary.

Like, what...

Scary.

Could you hand me watermelon?

Yeah.

Anyway, it's...

I mean, I...

I was scared.

Wouldn't you guys be scared in that situation?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Yeah.

Yeah, but you're just acting like it's nothing, like no big

Deal, or I'm, like, crazy.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): No, no, no, I'm just listening, you know?

I'm trying to gather all the pieces of the information, you

Know?

Mm-hm.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): I mean, I was there.

You were freaked out.

You were seriously scared, and...

Yeah.

I mean, I was talking to Liz last night in bed, and you

Know, I'm fairly certain that what you saw was a Sasquatch.

Oh.

Which, I mean, if I were you, I would get out in the woods

And I would get that on camera.

Because, like, as a historical, I don't know,

Document or something, you could be a real hero.

Oh.

Babe.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Babe.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): What?

I'm sorry.

It was prob...

No.

Seriously, Ev, it was probably, like, a yeti, or...

RICK (OFFSCREEN): [LAUGHS]

Or a chupacabra or some... they only eat goats, though.

That just [INAUDIBLE] both you guys.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): And as long as you don't have a goat...

Just go buy a goat.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): On the property.

No, I'm ser...

I'm trying to do something here.

Like, this is part of the whole experience and stuff.

And you guys are just, like, making up...

It's serious...

It's not a joke!

It is serious, Rick.

It is serious.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Well, goats aren't jokes, either!

[LAUGHS]

RICK (OFFSCREEN): I mean, things that eat goats, and

Goats...

You're an asshole, Rick.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): (LAUGHTER) And the whole thing.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): And, here you go!

Lunch is served!

Wooo!

Oh!

Get him!

Megan, get him!

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Shit!

Fuck!

[THUD]

Oooh!

Oh!

Are you OK?

Oh, man.

That probably hurt a lot.

Yeah, it did.

You know what else hurt?

Getting water poured all over me.

I hate you.

Shut up.

Such a jerk.

Yeah.

Didn't even hurt.

Just fell down, and look what appeared.

Pure sexiness.

That's right.

That's right.

Ladies love a guy with scars.

He's more rugged.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Evan!

He's more of a man.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Get out here and help me with this!

Evan!

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Where are you, dude?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Evan.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah?

Awwgh.

Help.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Rick, you OK?

Rick, where are you?

You OK?

Rick?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Baaaaaahhhhhh!

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Aaaah!

Oh.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): [LAUGHS]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): You're such...

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Oh my god.

Oh my god, I think you peed yourself a

Little bit, didn't you?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): I hate you so much right now.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Oh my god, did you pee a little?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): No, I didn't pee a little.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): [LAUGHS]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Shut up, dude.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): [LAUGHS]

Oh...

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): You didn't even scare me.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): You should have seen your face.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, shut up.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Oh my gosh.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Dude.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Oh, wow.

You screamed like a little girl.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): No, I didn't.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Oh!

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Dude, I'm out of here.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): You got a little wet mark there, buddy.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Dude, shut up.

I'm out of here.

I'm going to pick up Meg.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Oh, you need some new underwear?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): No, I don't, you...

30-second rounds.

30-second rounds.

Hurry up.

We need to witness...

We just want to document...

You guys failing.

Delay of game.

No, go ahead.

Delay of game.

Please, let me watch this terribleness.

OK.

So are you ready?

Yeah.

OK.

Start.

All right, director, "Serpico."

Uh, Sidney Lumet.

Yep.

Uh, he was silent film actor.

Charlie Chaplin.

Yep.

OK.

He was in, uh, "500 Days of Summer." He was in "3rd Rock

From the Sun, lead actor.

Uh, Gordon, Johnson-Leavitt.

Three...

Gordon Leavitt.

What?

I'll take it, I'll take it.

Johnson-Leavitt?

There is no way...

OK, "Titanic," lead actor.

He was in "Basketball..."

Leonardo DiCaprio.

Gordon Joseph...

OK.

Gordon Johnson-Leavitt?

He's an opera singer.

He, um...

What did he say?

Pavarotti.

No.

He's younger.

He's a young dude and he's an opera singer.

Oh, yeah, Josh Grodin.

Yep, yep.

Time.

Ohh.

Nice.

OK.

Uh, so I've got something to say, first of all.

Yeah, go ahead.

I think there's a minus one in there.

Gordon Johnson-Leavitt?

You know what?

Keep that one.

Keep that one.

Gordon Johnson-Leavitt?

Keep that one.

It doesn't matter.

We're still at like three or four or something.

It's good, strong.

What do we got?

I mean, wow.

Talk about making up your own rules.

We're at four even with out it, so you know what?

OK.

OK, it's our turn, now.

Fine, let's go.

Let's do this.

What?

I earned that.

I earned that.

Watch me do this way better than you.

Hey!

Hey!

Stop distracting

My teammate.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

OK, I can't see this.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Oh, is this bothering you?

I will forget everything I just witnessed.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Is this bothering you, your round?

Let go of her now.

Let go of her.

Release her.

Release.

Release.

How 'bout me?

OK, OK.

Liz, Liz.

OK, I'm gonna focus, focus.

Get off of her, you gross man.

I'm focusing.

All right.

Hey, Evan.

OK, start the clock.

Hey, Evan.

He has a boner.

He has a really big boner.

Shut up.

And go.

Go.

Come on.

OK, I kind of resemble him, a lot.

Atlas.

Wow.

He was in "Legends of the Fall."

Brad Pitt?

Yeah.

What?

I'm just saying.

That is pathetic.

[LAUGHTER]

Um, OK.

And so not true.

(SINGING) "Hit me baby, one more time."

Britney Spears.

Oh my god.

Did you like my dance, Rick?

[LAUGHTER]

Freddy...

No, no, no.

No, no.

Lizard.

No, no, no.

What?

No, you can't... that's like a sounds-alike.

Freddy Lizard.

Eddie Izzard, but you can't do that.

First of all, first of all-

- Why not?

Time, and that doesn't count.

Why can't I do that?

Time, and that doesn't count.

Nobody told me that in the beginning.

You are so out.

Four to two.

What?

Nobody told me that.

Four to two.

And you said Gordon Johnson-Leavitt.

I took that one out.

The camera's on me.

I can't think with it.

Oh, don't even.

Oh, is that you're excuse?

Yeah.

That's pathetic.

It's kind harder to think.

I didn't realize how weird it was.

It's hard, isn't it?

I'm turning it off.

It's really hard.

Oh, you don't like the camera on?

You guys suck.

I hate you gu...

Hey, it's Evan.

I'm hanging from my ceiling in my bedroom.

(DRUNKENLY) Joking.

I'm joking.

Not.

I'm here, right now.

Anyways, it's great.

Day four's amazing.

And we went to the lake, which was, whatever.

Anyway.

Party.

Blech.

(BEHIND CAMERA) I'm gonna get Rick back for punking me

Outside and scaring me.

And I'm gonna get him back out of vengeance, so I'm gonna

Make him pee himself.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, god, I'm so drunk right now.

[THUD]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Ow!

Ow!

Shh!

Shit!

OK, I think I got a Charley horse.

That's OK.

I'm OK.

OK.

Oh, shit.

[DOOR OPENS]

[ELECTRONIC BUZZ]

[ELECTRONIC SNAP]

[BEEP]

Ugh.

Oh, god.

I feel like shit today.

Ohhh.

I slept in, and I don't know why my body feels so bad.

I'm not going to drink again.

God.

I gotta get some air.

Ugh.

[HELICOPTER ABOVE]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Hey, Rick, do you know those guys?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): I'm shy.

MEGAN (BEHIND CAMERA): OK, hold on.

You got it?

MEGAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Hang on.

Turn the focus.

MEGAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, turn the focus.

You got it?

Pull it close.

OK. We're good.

All right.

I like you.

I like you a lot.

That was Jim Carrey.

MEGAN (BEHIND CAMERA): So good.

That was good.

MEGAN (BEHIND CAMERA): So good.

Shut up.

MEGAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Huh?

You had me at hello.

Like that?

MEGAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah, that was twinkly eyes.

I know.

I had the twinkle eyes.

You make me want to be a better man.

That was my Jack Nicholson.

MEGAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Is that Jack Nicholson?

That was great.

That's why I'm...

That's why I'm not an actor.

MEGAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah, it was great.

Just go with it.

I wish I knew how to quit you.

MEGAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, that was good.

"Brokeback." Yeah.

Cannot believe you went with that one.

So, stupid, all right.

Oh, god.

MEGAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Hm.

This is a little sexy.

MEGAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Hm.

I'm liking this.

MEGAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, thanks.

Liking where this is going.

MEGAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh.

Yeah.

MEGAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah?

EVAN (OFFSCREEN): Mm-hm.

MEGAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Hm.

[KISSING]

MEGAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, hold on.

Yeah, it's a little in the way.

Yeah?

Mm-hm.

[KISSING]

Mm.

Mm.

[SLIDING DOOR OPENS]

Oh, wait, let me turn... oh, fuck.

Ahem.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Ahhh.

Hey, guys.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): On my aunt's couch?

Really?

Uh, yeah.

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): What's up?

EVAN (OFFSCREEN): Uh, nothing much.

Take a seat.

Have a seat.

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): Do you have a pain?

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): You OK?

You got a stomachache?

No, I'm fine.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): You got a stomachache.

Didn't expect you guys to come back so early.

Wh... what happened?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Yeah, while you were in the middle of

Suffocating her?

What's that?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Just in the middle of suffocating her?

We surprised you?

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): I think Evan's hungry.

I'm just wrestling.

We were wrestling.

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): Are you hungry, Ev?

You a little hungry?

You hungry from wrestling?

Yeah.

'Cause there's a lot of energy.

What... what do we have to eat, babe?

How's you're, uh, stomachache?

Feeling better?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): OK, you know what?

Thought we were over this.

It's just so unfortunate.

Such bad timing.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): OK.

This is so awkward.

OK, I just need to get this interview in really quick.

OK.

All right.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): OK?

OK, here we go.

Ahem.

So how are you doing?

[EXHALES SLOWLY]

Better.

Yeah.

Just a lot better.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): What are some of things you're doing to

Cope with everything?

Um...

You know, it hasn't been a lot, really.

It's just been...

It's really helped, not being in town, you know?

Um, being in a different space, you know, not being

Reminded of stuff all the time, and

Being around you guys.

I'm really glad you're here.

So.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): What do you see the

Future holding for you?

Um.

I don't know.

But I think I do know that, um, I mean, I think I can get

Through it, which I wasn't sure of before.

Um.

Guess it's kinda...

That's a good thing, right?

So.

Guess we'll just see.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): OK, great.

You better get a fucking A on this whole thing...

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): No, I will.

For what you've put me through.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): No.

For sure.

I swear to god.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yep.

A is the only letter I know.

(LAUGHING) OK.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): OK.

Evan was seven years old.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Not really awesome, but.

Totally obsessed with firemen.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Rick.

Take this.

Everything about firemen.

Had all the videos.

Had the full, like, yellow coat with the red fireman cap,

And the little hose.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Oh my god, that's amazing.

So he gets this great idea to make a log cabin out of the

Lincoln Logs.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): I loved those things.

They're great.

Um, and set them aflame.

EVAN (OFFSCREEN): Yeah.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Oh.

In his bedroom.

Naturally.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Oh, that one.

Makes sense.

RICK (BEHIND CAMERA): Always a genius, huh?

Really good idea.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Yeah.

So he... he gets, he gets in his full outfit, with the

Squirt gun... which was your hose...

And then makes the logs.

And then of course, he needs the matches, so he comes to

Me.

Yeah.

And of course, she's just like, sure, Ev.

Here you go.

Here's the matches.

What?

Aahhhhh!

Yeah.

More like...

[SCREAM].

And so...

But listen.

So anyway, I go back in my room, and I'm like, oh, cool,

Ha, ha, ha.

Bggghhhh.

Total ball of flame.

Yeah.

Curtains.

Carpet, curtains.

Everything.

Everything I run out the, out the house, away from Ev.

Yeah, and I'm like still in my room, like, I'm a fireman.

Squirt gun, squirt gun.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Oh, no.

Dad runs in...

Runs in, yeah.

Anger, rage.

Starts, like, just hitting me.

Smacking him on the butt.

At like...

On my butt.

You know, like not abusively.

No, no, no.

But like, as they go out of the room.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): You burned the house down!

Chastisingly, yeah.

So much trouble.

He's covered in soot.

RICK (BEHIND CAMERA): Sounds like you got off easy.

Couple smacks on the butt.

You almost burned the house down.

No, no, you were, like, the only seven-year-old to be

Grounded.

No, let me tell you who got off easy, Rickster.

This one.

This one.

Hm, hm, hm.

Five years later, she's, like, sitting with her friend, and

My mom overhears her bragging about, like, then I gave him

The matches, and he got in trouble.

So she just, like...

I totally got grounded for it five years later.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): That whole time, they

Didn't know it was you?

No.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): That's so horrible.

Yeah, I just let him take the blame.

Yeah.

RICK (BEHIND CAMERA): I never did any of that.

Oh, and that's why you're gonna be a good dad.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): He just came out of the womb and went

Into the military.

RICK (BEHIND CAMERA): You think so?

Yeah, I mean, both of these guys are gonna be great dads.

Aw.

RICK (BEHIND CAMERA): I think you're gonna be a good mom,

Too.

Corny, corny.

Corny, corny.

I did OK with you.

No, you did.

RICK (BEHIND CAMERA): Will you take this?

EVAN (OFFSCREEN): She'-s... She's awesome.

RICK (BEHIND CAMERA): Here, take this, take this.

So Lizzie's doing really, really well.

You know, she's...

She's, uh, she's laughing a lot more, and she's joking

Around with everybody, and she's smiling all the time.

And it's awesome, because it's just, it's the Lizzie that I

Know, you know?

And it's so good to be here for her

During this tough time.

And you know, she was always there for me when, when Mom

And Dad died.

So it's... it's really nice to, you know, be able to

Help her out now.

And it sucks that she's had to go through this, you know?

She doesn't deserve this.

But...

But we're here for her, so it's good.

[LOUD RATTLING AND RUMBLING]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, oh!

What the fuck?

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

What the fuck is...

(SCREAMING) Lizzie!

Lizzie!

Open this fucking door!

Liz!

Lizzie, open the fucking door!

Open the fucking door!

[KNOCKING]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah?

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Helloo-oo.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah.

[KNOCKING]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah, coming.

Oh, hey.

Did you just wake up?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah.

Did you forget I was coming?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, yeah.

I guess.

I slept really hard.

Oh.

Morning.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Morning.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): I brought doughnuts.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Aw, I love you.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Aw.

Hey, that was a nice moment.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): I mean, I mean, not,

I mean, let's not...

Let's not get, you know, too far ahead of ourselves.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Oh, yeah.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, So tired.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Oh.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yes.

Not tired anymore.

I just woke up.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Sugar rush.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Mmm, I'll go for a Long John.

Yeah.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Is that what those are called?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Mm-hm.

So I was watching last night.

I got home, and then I was channel-surfing.

And "When Harry Met Sally" was on.

Do you want to eat outside?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Great film.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): It's so nice out.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah, let's do it.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Anyway, that moment at the end, when

He's, like, you know, when you find the person you want to

Spend the rest of your life with, and you want the rest of

Your life to start as soon as possible?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah, yeah.

71 degrees, blah, blah.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Best line of all time.

Seriously.

Of all time.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): It's a great scene.

I'm good, by the way, with all these

Things that I'm carrying.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah, you can get it.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Yeah, don't put your camera down.

It's OK.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): This Long John...

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Douche.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Is fantastic.

Long John?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): I really want to thank you.

I don't think that that's actually what

They're called, though.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah, they're called Long Johns.

Really?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah.

Where's Rick and Liz?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, I think they're sleeping.

Wow.

All you guys.

Late night.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Mm-hm.

What do I want?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): You want a Long John.

I'm gonna have half of this.

No.

I already had one of those.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHS]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Hey, you know...

Um...

I was thinking, uh, you know, on my next, on my next, uh,

Break from school?

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Mm-hm?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): I was thinking I could come

Out and visit you.

Spend time out here.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Hm.

Ooh!

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): It's not awkward now.

Oh.

You don't have to answer that.

That's fine.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Well, no, I mean...

I think that'd be nice.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah?

Yeah.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Sweet.

Don't get too excited.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): No, I'm... That's just... that's

Good news.

Yeah.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Come here.

Get over here.

[KISS]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Who's the cutest?

Hey, was somebody messing with my camera, here?

It's got a bunch of scratches on it.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Oh, yeah, just dying to get ahold of

Your camera.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Oh, yeah, I...

I stole it last night, just 'cause I...

I, uh, I wanted to film some stuff, just 'cause I'm so

Savvy with the camera.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): That sounds creepy, Megan.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Yeah.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): I'll be honest.

Sounds creepy.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Hey, Rick,

Let me ask you something.

Uh, I see you wore sandals today.

Is that due to, you want to just change up your fashion

And actually look good for once?

Or are you just not running everywhere today?

Yeah, I'm concerned about fashion at the barbecue.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): This is like a block o' cheese.

What do you think?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): That's a huge piece of cheese.

Liz, is this too big?

I think that might be too big.

You know, do you want a block of cheese?

What do you think?

Too thick?

Too thick of a cheese?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): I got it.

Yeah, it's a little...

It's a little on the thick side.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Little on the thick side.

I'll try and shred it down.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): That's what she said.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): You OK, babe?

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): You are such a dork.

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): Yeah, I just don't feel...

I just have a headache.

I just must have slept funny.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): You OK, Liz?

Yeah.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): You good?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): You'll be all right.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Hey, Liz.

Liz.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): I'll try and mince this.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Liz, look at how slow Rick's

Walking today.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Hey, babe.

Babe, don't...

Don't do that.

Don't get that.

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): Oh, it's not a big deal.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Oh, no, no, give it to Evan.

Would you back up?

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): He was just trying to tell me how big his

Muscles were.

So I think you should let him prove it.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Yeah, just get the utensils.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): I'm filming tomatoes.

I'm filming tomatoes.

I'm filming tomatoes.

I'm filming these tomatoes.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): And...

RICK (OFFSCREEN): It's important

To film these tomatoes.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Tomatoes are over here.

There you go.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): I don't want this watermelon.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): There you go.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): This is like an entire watermelon.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Absolutely.

You'll be fine.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Hey, Evan, just man up.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): In one hand.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Man up.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): That's right.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, it's so heavy.

Oh, can't do it.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Do you want some help?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Wee-ooo, wee-ooo, wee-ooo, woooo.

You know what that is?

You know what the sound of that is?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): What's that?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): That's the sound of a fire truck

Coming, 'cause you're burning those burgers!

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Really?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): On fire!

You want to grill?

Here.

You want to grill?

Gimme the camera.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): No, no, no, I'm good.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Give me the camera.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): I'm fine.

You look like you really know what you're doing.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): I do know what I'm doing.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Lot of blackness going on over there.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Getting a lot of things done.

Lots of things well done.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): My grandmother was really good at

The barbecue, and that's where I learned everything.

You gotta char it up a little bit.

You gotta get a little bit of the crunch of the

Burn in it, you know?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): The crunch of the burn?

The crunch of the burn.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): No, I don't know.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Yeah, it mixes with the seasoning, and

It makes it taste better.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): She's probably rolling over in her

Grave about how black those are.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): That's funny, except that she was

Cremated, so.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Well, she's probably less well done than

Those burgers.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Ho, ho!

Burn!

Burn, burn, burn.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): I'm sorry.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): What was pretty good, actually.

Yeah?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): That was pretty funny.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Like that, Liz?

Lizzie?

Holy...

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Babe?

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Are you OK, Liz?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Babe, what is that?

[SOBS WITH FEAR]

RICK (OFFSCREEN): OK, baby, it's OK.

It's OK.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): What...

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): (WHISPERING) What the hell?

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): What is that?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): It's a little welt or something.

I'm just gonna touch it, OK?

[ALL GASP]

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Oh MY GOD.

Holy shit.

OK, baby, uh, I'm gonna get it, OK?

I'm gonna get it.

Just... just relax.

Ugggh!

Aaaahhh!

Aaaaaahhhhh!

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Oh, wait...

Babe, OK, Liz.

OK, baby.

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): [WEEPING IN FEAR]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): What are you doing?

Come here.

I'm sorry, I...

I...

I can't.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Lizzie.

Is she OK?

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): What...

What's happening?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Is she OK?

Just be quiet.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Is it still there?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Can you feel it?

Still hurt?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): What's wrong with her?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Will you shut up?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Does it still hurt?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): What the hell is wrong with her?

What is wrong with her?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Would you get out of here?

Would you get out of here?

Get the hell out of here!

Go!

Now!

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): [WEEPING]

RICK (OFFSCREEN): What freeway is that?

OK.

And, uh, approximately how long, do you think, from here?

Yeah.

Yeah, OK.

Uh, thank you.

Yeah, thank you.

Bye.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): What's happening?

Uh, baby, look, we, uh, there's an urgent

Care center, OK?

And it's... it's not too far from here, but we gotta, we

Gotta go.

No, I just...

I just want to go to bed.

I know, baby.

But... but look, we should really just get to a doctor

And have it, have it checked out, you know?

I just...

I'll do it tomorrow, I promise.

OK?

Let's just go to bed, please?

Rick?

Yeah, OK.

OK, but you gotta...

I promise.

If anything hurts, or if anything happens, you gotta,

You gotta tell me, OK?

OK.

OK.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Lizzie?

You all right?

Just go away, please.

[LOUD RATTLING AND RUMBLING]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Rick!

Rick!

Rick!

Open the fucking door!

Rick!

Oh, shit.

Shit.

Rick!

Open the fucking door!

Holy shit!

Rick!

Oh, oh!

Aaaaggghhh!

Ohhhh god!

Oh!

Ohhh...

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

Oh my god.

Rick.

Rick?

Rick.

Rick.

Rick!

[RICK MURMURS]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, fuck.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Oh, Liz.

Liz?

(SHOUTING) Liz?

Liz!

Baby, answer me!

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): What the hell?

Liz?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): (SHOUTING) Liz!

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh...

Oh my god.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): (SHOUTING) Liz?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Why do you have a gun?

Why do you have a gun?

Why do you have a gun?

What happened?

What happened?

I don't know.

Get dressed!

Oh my god.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Now!

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh my god.

Do you know where we're going?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Just keep your eyes open.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): You have no idea.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Look, we're driving into town, all right?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, that's great.

We'll just drive into town and just, you know, hope she's...

She's waiting.

Is that what we're going to do?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): I don't know.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Yeah, well, we gotta

Have a fucking plan.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): My plan is to look for her, all right?

Just shut up.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Wait.

Is that Meg?

Wait, stop the car.

Meg!

Meg!

Hey!

Meg, have you seen Liz anywhere?

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): No.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): We're looking all over for her.

She's just...

Somebody came last night.

I don't know what happened to her.

She's just not at home.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): What?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Have you seen her anywhere?

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): No.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Why aren't you looking at me?

Look at me.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Evan...

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Meg, why are you being so weird?

It's Ev.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): (TEARFULLY) Sorry, I haven't seen her.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): You haven't seen my Si...

Why are you wal...

Why are you walking away from... help us, please.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): (SHAKILY) I don't know how to help you.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): I need to find my

Fucking sister, please.

(TEARFULLY) I'm so sorry.

I'm so...

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Just stay with me.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Please just...

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Why are you being weird?

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): Just please, oh, please.

Please.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Let's go.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): What'd she say?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Just fucking drive.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): What did she say?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Just fucking drive, man.

Fuck!

RICK (OFFSCREEN): House.

Search around there.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Fuck.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Look, you could see more if your face

Wasn't it that fucking eyepiece.

Just put it down.

(SHOUTING) Liz?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, fuck.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): (SHOUTING) Liz?

Liz?

Liz?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Jesus Christ.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): (SHOUTING) Liz?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): (SHOUTING) Fuuuuucck!

RICK (OFFSCREEN): (SHOUTING) Liz?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Fuck, what the fuck are we gonna

Fucking do?

This fucking place is too...

Fucking lost my fucking sister.

Fucking lost my fucking sister.

[SOBBING]

Rick, what the fuck?

What the fuck are we gonna do, Rick?

What are you fucking doing, man?

Liz?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Rick?

What the fuck are you doing?

What the fuck are you doing?

Put the fucking camera down!

[BOTH YELLING]

RICK (OFFSCREEN): You fuck, it's not one of

Your fucking movies!

EVAN (OFFSCREEN): Fuck, ow!

RICK (OFFSCREEN): This is fucking real life?

You fucking piece of shit!

It's your fucking sister!

The fuck is with you?

You can't fucking do that!

EVAN (OFFSCREEN): (SCREAMING) Fuck off!

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Fuck.

Where's your little fucking jokes now?

Where's your little fucking jokes now?

EVAN (OFFSCREEN): [WEEPING]

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Fucking wake up, you fucking leech.

Fuck!

EVAN (OFFSCREEN): (TEARFULLY) Fuck, man.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Get up.

Get up.

EVAN (OFFSCREEN): No.

I'm fine.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): You're fine.

You're fine.

Get up.

Get up.

You're OK.

You're OK.

Here.

Here.

EVAN (OFFSCREEN): Fuck.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Take this.

We have to find your fucking sister.

Just keep walking.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): What...?

Stop.

Stop!

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Baby, are you OK?

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Liz!

Liz.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): It's OK.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): How the hell did she get out here?

It's OK, baby.

You're OK.

It's OK.

I'm here.

It's OK, baby.

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): [COUGHING AND RETCHING]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh!

Lizzie, it's OK.

It's OK, Liz.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): OK, shh, it's OK.

Come on, baby.

It's all right.

I got you.

It's OK.

I got you.

You're OK.

OK.

Lizzie.

Lizzie, you OK?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): How's she looking?

I don't know.

She's not saying anything.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Baby?

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): [COUGHING]

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Baby?

Lizzie?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): You OK?

Baby?

Rick?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Baby, it's OK.

It's OK, baby.

We're going home.

MEGAN (OFFSCREEN): They won't let me.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): What?

Baby, it's OK.

We're going home.

It's OK, baby.

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): They won't let me go home.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Baby, it's OK.

It's OK.

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): [SCREAMING]

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Baby, baby.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Please, please.

Please, please.

Please help.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Let's go.

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): [COUGHS]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): What are we gonna do, man?

I don't know, all right?

I don't know.

So just...

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): We have to have a plan.

I don't know.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Dude, we gotta figure something out.

I'm fucking scared.

Dude.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Shh.

You woke her up.

Hey baby.

You all right?

OK?

We're going home, baby.

It's OK.

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): What the hell?

RICK (OFFSCREEN): It's OK baby.

It's OK.

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): What's happening?

Rick, what's happening?

[LOW RUMBLING]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): No...

Rick.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Just hold on.

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): Rick?

I'm...

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): What the fuck is that?

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): Ohh!

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): What the fuck is that?

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): No.

No, Rick, it's... No, stay here.

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Stay here.

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): Please don't leave!

Help me!

RICK (OFFSCREEN): Stay here.

LIZ (OFFSCREEN): (SCREAMING) Please don't leave!

Come back, please!

[GUNSHOTS]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[LIZ AND EVAN SCREAM]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh, shit!

Rick!

[BANG]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[LOUD RUMBLING AND RATTLING CONTINUES]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

EVAN (BEHIND CAMERA): Oh my god!

Aahhh!

Oh, Lizzie!

Help!

Aaahhh!

Help me!

Help me!

[SCREAM]

EVAN (OFFSCREEN): (SCREAMING) Liz!

[WHOOSH]

[BANG]

[THUD]

[THUD]