Original subtitles

BIRDSONG

PING

Ah, Jeeves. How was the little chap this morning?

Distressingly wilful, sir.

Oh, well, look on the bright side, Jeeves.

Think of the untold good we have done ourselves by nannying the beast

until Aunt Agatha has finished her inspection of the Continent.

True, sir.

Um, pardon me for asking, sir,

but are you proposing to appear in public in those garments?

What? Well, certainly, Jeeves.

What? A bit diffy, d'you think?

Not necessarily, sir.

I'm told that Mr Freddy "He's A Riot" Flowerdew

often appears on the music-hall stage in comparable attire.

- But - - No! No buts, Jeeves.

I happen to think very highly of them. Now then.

Yes, we should be making tracks.

I tee off at eleven-thirty.

- Good luck, sir. - Oh, thank you, Jarvis.

Yes, Jeeves, I rather think

that today you will be proud to see the young master

sail through to the quarterfinals at the very least

in the Drones Club Annual Knockout Tournament.

Ah. This is indeed good news, sir.

You see, Jeeves, my match is against Barmy Fotheringay Phipps.

Being drawn against him

is generally considered the golfing equivalent of a walkover.

I see, sir.

I hope Bobbie Wickham will be amazed

at my exploits on the golf course today too, Jeeves.

Indeed, sir.

May I inquire as to why you are desirous of impressing Miss Wickham?

Didn't I tell you, Jeeves?

I'm in love.

With Miss Wickham, sir?

There's no need to say it like that, Jeeves.

You're wrong about Miss Wickham, you know.

If you say so, sir.

Right, Jeeves.

This is the time for plain speaking.

Just what exactly is your kick against Miss Wickham?

- I insist. - Well, sir,

although Miss Wickham is a very charming young lady...

Exactly, Jeeves! You speak an imperial court.

- What eyes! - Yes. Sir.

- What hair! - Very true, sir.

- What...lockiness! - Precisely, sir.

What exactly do you mean, "precisely, sir"?

Well, sir, it is that very quality of espieglerie

which to my mind debars Miss Wickham from being a matrimonial prospect

for a gentleman of your description.

And what do you mean, "a gentleman of my description"?

Miss Wickham, in my opinion, sir, is too frivolous.

Whenever I see Miss Wickham, I know that trouble cannot be far behind.

In order to qualify as Miss Wickham's husband,

a gentleman should be possessed of a commanding personality

and considerable strength of character.

Exactly, Jeeves!

Condemned out of your own mouth!

- What ho, Bobbie! Barmy! - Hello!

Hello, Bertie! I didn't know you'd arrived.

Well, I hadn't. Until now, of course.

I didn't arrive somewhere once. Most extraordinary thing.

Are you in mourning for someone?

Yes, rather natty, eh? Jeeves doesn't like them,

but of course Jeeves is notoriously hidebound in the matter of legwear.

I was on my way there, and something happened!

I can't remember what exactly.

- You'll look after the hound, Bobbie? - Of course, Bertie.

- Looking forward to the match, Barmy? - I'll say.

I've got this wonderful new gadget from Lillywhite's.

You wind it up and clip it onto your club,

and it buzzes to tell you when to start your downswing.

Oh.

(MOUTHS)

BUZZING

- Good shot, Barmy! - Thank you, Bertie.

(CLEARS THROAT; SNIFFS)

- Have you been taking lessons, Barmy? - No, it's this whatsit.

Thank you, George.

- Works marvellously, don't you think? - It's very good.

(DOG BARKS) Macintosh - quiet.

Macintosh! Sorry, Bertie.

(FURIOUS YIPPING) CLANG

Sorry! Sorry.

(GROANS) Oh, Bertie!

Right! Now, what I've got to here, Jeeves,

is keep it low, drill it through the trees quail high...

Indeed, sir?

..then dog-leg it round the wood and let it drift to the green

with enough backspin to bring it level with the pin.

Might even plop straight into the hole, Jeeves.

That would seem to be ideal, sir.

Well, it's finesse, you know. Aptly put, sir.

(BALL RICOCHETS WILDLY)

BUZZING

- Splendid shot, Barmy! - Good shot, Barmy.

(DOG BARKS) Oh, Bertie, I'm sorry.

Come here, Macintosh.

We may not be keeping our eye on the ball with sufficient assiduity, sir.

It's that blasted dog! Whenever I look at the ball it starts yapping.

Good dog. Good dog.

- Good shot, Bertie. - Thank you, Barmy.

Agh!

Oi!

Oh, Macintosh, it's not a bone. Come on.

- Come here. - Macintosh!

(SIGHS)

Good boy.

If you ask me, Jeeves, that animal

is in the pay of the Fotheringay Phippses.

There you are, Jeeves. The old touch coming back.

Shall I put you down for a 12 there, sir?

No - no! Nothing can make me disclose my secret!

You have to tell us, Mother.

Who is Oriana's father?

- Never! - Yes - yes! Who IS my father?

Do you think I can go on living with this hanging over me?

It's a living hell!

I tell you!

Don't 'ee say nothing, Mrs Warminster.

What the devil has it got to do with you,

Old Elias? What ho, Lady Wickham!

Hello, Sir Cuthbert. Hello, Tuppy.

How are you, young man?

I hear you made a dog's breakfast of your golf this morning.

- Oh, he was an absolute scream. - Thank you, Bobbie.

I shall do my best to be the game and popular loser.

Don't be a stick, Bertie. It was fun.

Golf isn't intended to be FUN, Roberta.

We're just reading my new play, Mr Wooster. Would you care to join us?

No thank you. I've got to take the hound for a walk.

- I'll come with you. - Bobbie! Who's going to read Oriana?

Won't be long.

- Would YOU read Oriana, Mr Glossop? - Oh... right. Yes.

What the devil has it got to do with you, Old Elias?

SQUEAKILY: He knows! He must know! How does he know?

To lose like that, to Barmy of all people...

They nearly died laughing in the refreshment tent.

It's no laughing matter, young Bobbie.

No. No, I know, Bertie.

But... I've got an idea.

I warn you that what I'm about to say, Jeeves,

is going to make you look pretty silly.

- Indeed, sir? - This morning, if I remember rightly,

you stated that Miss Wickham was frivolous, volatile

and generally lacking in seriousness.

- Am I correct? - Quite correct, sir.

Well, this afternoon I went for a walk with Miss Wickham,

and she suggested to me

the ripest, brainiest scheme for getting back at young Barmy

- that anyone could possibly imagine. - Getting back at him, sir?

One wonders if this is quite the sporting spirit.

- Eh? - One merely wonders, sir.

Oh, no, no, no. This is the Wooster spirit, Jeeves.

Unsporting would be me reporting that blasted buzzer to the committee.

- No, this is strictly man to man. - Very good, sir.

Anyway, it appears that at the school where Miss Wickham was educated,

it was from time to time necessary for the right-thinking element

to slip one over certain of the baser sort.

- D'you know what they did, Jeeves? - No, sir, I don't.

Well, they used to take a long stick -

and follow me closely here, Jeeves -

they used to attach a darning needle to it.

Then, at dead of night,

they would slip into the party of the second part's cubicle,

poke the needle through the blankets and puncture the water bottle!

Oh, girls are so much subtler in these matters than boys, Jeeves.

I'm sure you must be right, sir.

Mm. And this - this - is the girl that you call frivolous.

Yes, sir. I do believe -

Anyone who could think up a wheeze like that

is my idea of a helpmeet.

Now, have you any idea where young Barmy sleeps?

I believe he's currently installed in the moat room, sir.

♪ PIANO STRIKES UP

♪ Because you come to me

♪ With looks of love

♪ And hold my hand and lead my eyes above

♪ A wider world of hope and joy I see

♪ Because...

♪ You come to me

♪ Because you speak to me in accents sweet

♪ I find the roses waking round my feet... ♪

- Jeeves? - Yes, sir?

You couldn't get me a darning needle, could you?

And a bit of stick, and some string?

♪ Because...

♪ You... (HIGH NOTE)

(NOTE GOES ON)

♪ Because

♪ God made thee mine

♪ I'll cherish thee

♪ Through light and darkness

♪ Because

♪ God made thee mine! ♪

Most moving! Most moving!

- See - she weeps! - You were wonderful! Wonderful!

It reminds us of old country. (SOBS)

My wife does not like to be reminded of old country.

Thank you so much, Miss Bellinger.

Sir Cuthbert and I are so starved of true culture,

buried down here in the country.

Oh, you're too kind, Mrs Wickham.

Damn fine! Tune you can hum! Tap your foot to!

- Or whistle! - It's absolutely - well, absolutely -

Miss Bellinger, when you were last at La Scala...

- What do you think, Bertie? - Well!

Absolutely! What a wonderful... noise she makes!

It's quite amazing. You know, I've only know her a couple of weeks.

- Mm? - I think I'm in love, Bertie.

Oh, steady the buffs.

Every time my wife thinks of Pormania, she weeps. Every time.

Hello, Professor Cluj. Wasn't she wonderful?

Was good times, in old country.

At the university I was professor of Slavonic languages.

But we leave all behind - our house in Slanislaus Avenue,

our paltika in the countryside, several children -

- Dashed awkward. - Oh, no no no. Is better here.

Pormania is dump. (SOBS)

Ah.

Oh! You were wonderful!

I mean, as far as I can see, the trick of playing the piano

is to get one hand to do one thing

while the other one's... doing something elsel...

Well, I mean, I can do that with a knife and fork!

- So I don't see why - - Mr Fotheringay Phipps -

- Ah- Good night, Lady Wickham. - Oh! Good night, Mr Wooster.

I do hope you'll be quite comfortable.

- I'm sure I will. Good night, Barmy. - Good night. Sleep well.

- Right - good night, all. - Good night, Bertie.

(SNORING)

CLATTER (BOTH YELL IN PORMANIAN)

(YAPS)

- YOU? - Right. Ah...

- Are you mad or what, man? - No, no. I ah, hm...

I thought you were Barmy.

You thought I am barmy?

The bed is wet!

Look!

Um, it was a joke, you see.

Where is your room, lunatic?

Mine? Um, well, it's just above yours. The top room.

Thank you. We will find it.

Put on your robe.

Turn your back, lunatic.

We will spend the finish of the night in your bed.

You may sleep here. Come, Aneta.

Well, no, but...um...

Jeeves, you have blundered grievously.

- Sir? - Barmy was NOT sleeping in this room.

This was Professor Cluj and his wife.

Yes, sir. Mr Fotheringay Phipps

was good enough to exchange rooms with them yesterday evening,

as Madama Cluj complained the room reminded her of their homeland.

Oh.

- And when did you discover this? - Late last night, sir.

Late last night?

And you cold-bloodedly stood by

and let me walk to my certain doom?

Yes, sir. I thought that on reflection

you might prefer that your relationship with the Wickham family

- remained a distant one. - A distant one?

I'm about to propose to the daughter of the house this very a.m.!

Very good, sir.

Shall I lay out our houndstooth check suit, sir,

- for the journey? What journey? - To London, sir.

Lady Wickham has already asked Mr Fotheringay Phipps to leave.

- Asked him to leave? - During the night, sir.

When Professor and Madama Cluj were occupying your bed,

he entered their room and pierced their hot-water bottle

- with a sharp implement. - What an extraordinary coincidence,

Barmy getting the same idea as I did.

The concatenation of circumstance you describe

was not entirely unforeseen, sir. It appears

he received the suggestion from the young lady.

- From Miss Wickham? - Yes, sir.

You mean, at the same time

she was putting me up to puncturing Barmy's hot-water bottle,

she was tipping Barmy off to puncturing mine?

She is a young lady with a keen sense of humour, sir.

(SHUDDERS)

You are cold, sir?

Just shivering, Jeeves.

The occurrence, if I may take the liberty of saying so, sir,

may perhaps lend colour to the view I put forward yesterday,

that Miss Wickham, though in many respects very charming...

Say no more, Jeeves.

- Love is dead. - Very good, sir.

♪ Now there's a good ship HMS Top Robin

♪ On a home trip Up and down she's bobbing

♪ The crew's pretty tough The sea is so rough

♪ They're all paid up and say that they've had more than enough

(YAPS)

♪ He's an able seaman And they call him Red-Haired Tom

♪ I wired to say I'll meet you

♪ With your friends I'll treat you

♪ So who do you think I've had a message from? ♪

- Do you like that song, Jeeves? - Well, sir...

It's called 47 Ginger-Headed Sailors.

It's all the rage at the Drones.

I can't say that I'm surprised to hear that, sir.

♪ 47 ginger-headed sailors

♪ Coming home across the briny sea (DOG YAPS)

♪ When the anchor's weighed And the journey's made

♪ Yes, they'll start the party

DOORBELL ♪ With a heave-ho, me hearties

♪ 47 ginger-headed sailors You bet you're going to hear them...

(DOG WHINES) ♪ An old maid down in Devon

♪ Said "My idea of heaven

♪ Is 47 ginger-headed sailors!" ♪

Ah. It really speaks to me, that song, Jeeves.

- I'm sorry to hear that, sir. - Would you like to hear the rest?

I shouldn't like to put you to any trouble, sir.

This note was delivered by hand, a few moments ago.

Oh. Well, at least Macintosh likes my singing.

I'll really miss the little fellow when Aunt Agatha gets back today.

Well, of all the bally nerve, Jeeves!

- Sir? - After everything she

did to us last weekend,

she wants us to give her lunch today!

- Sir? - Miss Wickham, Jeeves!

And two of her friends!

She even specifies the meal.

- Ugh. - Indeed, sir?

"Roly-poly pudding

with lots of jam, oysters, ice cream,

and plenty of chocolate".

Must be on some kind of diet.

No, I shall go and remonstrate with her, Jeeves.

Very good, sir. I shall go and purchase the comestibles.

By no means, Jeeves.

By no means! I can be chilled steel, you know.

Bobbie, after everything you've done to me,

I just don't see how you have the - the almighty gall -

Don't be such a stick, Bertie.

- All right about lunch, is it? - No, it is NOT all right.

Oh, Bertie! I can't give Mr Blumenfield lunch here.

The house is being decorated.

- Well, restaurants are open. - I never took you for small-minded.

- Careful of those mouldings. - Small-minded?

Mr Blumenfield's a fearfully important Broadway producer.

I've got to read Mummy's play to him after lunch.

I can't read to him in a restaurant.

Well, but why does he want jam roly-poly and oysters?

He doesn't. That's for his son.

Apparently Mr Blumenfield always banks on his verdict.

He says an eight-year-old's intelligence

is exactly equal to a Broadway audience.

Mm. Well, I'm not going to sit around all afternoon

while you read your mother's dratted play.

Well, you can lunch at the club, then.

- No no no! - Oh, Bertie, you're such a dear.

BROKENLY: Help me, Brandon! He's armed!

Don't 'ee come nigh me, young sir.

STOUTLY: You cur! FEEBLY: Oh!

STOUTLY: If you don't take your hands off that young woman...

What, then?

What'll 'ee do, will Old Elias?

Happen 'ee'll take thy riding crop to 'un,

like the old meyster thy feyther... he used to do?

Daddy! This dog's so cute, isn't he?

Don't you like the play, son?

Sure, I like it fine. But the dog's cuter.

Yeah, sure. Sure he is.

SHOUTING AND CHEERING

Guess what? I'm going to the opera tonight.

The opera, Tuppy?

The chorus thing in The Barber of Figaro.

Is that the one about the pyramids? Sounds like it, by the name.

I've never been to the opera before.

Would you like to come with me, Bertie?

- Uh, well - - Excuse me, sir.

There's a Miss Wickham for you on the phone.

Oh. Right-ho.

Yes? Bobbie!

Yes? Good.

YOU'VE DONE WHAT?

What - why? She'll KILL me!

- Jeeves! - I couldn't stop her, sir.

Tchah - you mean you stood by

and let Bobbie Wickham make a present of my aunt Agatha's dog

to some perfect stranger, Jeeves?

You know how headstrong the young lady can be, sir.

Well - is she mad?

The child took a fancy to the animal, sir.

In order to ingratiate herself to the boy's father,

she presented it to him. Oh, well, oh -

I'm lost, Jeeves. Sunk. Aunt Agatha is due here at six o'clock.

If I might propose a course of action, sir?

Oh, anything, Jeeves! Anything!

Mr Blumenfield and the young gentleman

are attending a motion-picture performance this afternoon, sir.

They will not return to their hotel until five o'clock.

At which time Miss Wickham will call on them

to sign the contract for Lady Wickham's play.

Should they be delayed,

she is to go straight up to their suite and attend them.

Well, I don't see how that helps, Jeeves.

If you will bear with me, sir,

our first requirement is for aniseed.

- Aniseed? - To sprinkle on the trousers, sir.

Aniseed is commonly and extensively used in the dognapping industry.

- I didn't know that. - Yes indeed, sir.

Oi! Come out of there! Oi!

Now, sir. You know how much the dog Macintosh enjoys your singing.

(SNIFFS)

It's all right. It's the trousers.

YAPPING

(SOFTLY) ♪ ..ginger-headed sailors

♪ You can bet you're going to hear them when they hail us

(DOG YAPS)

♪ (SINGS) (DOG YAPS)

Afternoon.

Like a breeze!

Like a breeze. Now, put the pooch

somewhere my trousers will cease to cast their spell.

Tell me, Jeeves, were you always like this,

or did it come on suddenly?

- Sir? - The brain. The grey matter.

Were you an outstandingly brilliant child?

My mother thought me intelligent, sir.

Well, you can't go by that. My mother thought ME intelligent.

DOORBELL

Who - who is that?

- Probably Mr Blumenfield Senior, sir. - What?

He telephoned a short while ago,

to say he was about to pay you a call, sir.

(SQUEAKS)

Well, Jeeves, get - get rid of him!

Jeeves!

- I'll see what I can do, sir. - Right-ho.

- This guy Wooster - where is he? - I could not say, sir.

He sneaked my son's dog!

- Most disturbing, sir. - You don't know where he is?

My boy has his heart set on that little dog.

If he doesn't get it back, he'll turn right against that play.

- What's that smell in here? - Um, aniseed, I suspect, sir.

Mr Wooster likes to sprinkle it on his trousers.

- What the hell does he do that for? - I could not say, sir.

Mr Wooster is an eccentric.

- He lives alone? - Yes, sir.

- Not, ah, a danger? - Yes, sir.

(SNIFFS) With regard to the aniseed, sir,

I fancy I have now located it. Unless I am very much mistaken,

it's proceeding from behind the sofa.

No doubt Mr Wooster is sleeping there.

- Doing what? - Sleeping, sir.

(PEACEFUL SNORING)

(SNORES) Oh my God.

Would you like me to wake him up, sir?

Tch...no!

No. Just get me outta here alive, that's all I ask.

Very good, sir. I think I can do better than that.

Hey! Here's a 5 note!

- Thank you very much indeed, sir. - Ha ha!

This way, sir.

- Thank you! - Good afternoon, sir.

- JEEVES! - Sir?

Utch...you...(GIBBERS)

- I can't believe it! - No, sir.

Mr Wooster, sir...

The Astor Hotel. You know where that is, buddy?

- Quick - he's a madman. - Stop!

Aunt Agatha!

Ah! No, Aunt Agatha! You can't go up to the flat!

Why? I trust Macintosh is well.

No! Yes! Macintosh is very well.

- Well, are you coming in the lift? - No.

Ah, but - no, but you can't go up there!

No! No!

No, you - no!

No! Look - please!

(GASPS)

Your mouth is hanging open again, Bertie.

- I - - Ah, there he is.

Come to Mother, Macintosh.

How's my baby, then?

Mouth closed, Bertie.

- Jeeves! - I'm sure Master Blumenfield

will not detect the fact that I purchased another dog, sir.

Another dog?

Except to the eye of love, sir,

one Aberdeen terrier is much like another.

♪ Non so piu cosa son, cosa faccio

♪ Or di foco, ora sono di ghiaccio

♪ Ogni donna cangiar di colore

♪ Ogni donna mi fa palpitar

♪ Ogni donna mi fa palpitar

♪ Solo ai nomi d'amor... ♪

- Isn't she wonderful? - Stunning. Stunning.

Reminds me of a chap I used to play rugby with.

Um... ♪ E a parlare mi sforza d'amore...

- Oh - Buffy Trumpton. - That's it, that's it.

♪ Un desio ch'io non posso spiegar

♪ Un desio...

Well, not really. Just... something about the trousers.

♪ E se non ho chi mi oda

♪ Parla d'amor con me

♪ Con me...

♪ Parla d'amor con me ♪

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Bravo!

Well! I told you I had a special reason.

Isn't she wonderful at the loud bits?

Yes. MURMURS OF AGREEMENT

Thing is, Bertie, what with her great soul and everything,

she has this rather serious outlook on life.

I want you to back me up. Let her know

I've got a serious mind and so forth.

I didn't know you had any sort of a mind.

That is just the sort of remark we DON'T want, thank you very much.

Well! I suppose we'd better get backstage and, ah, meet her.

Oh, I think there's some more opera first.

Oh, yes. That was only Act I.

- Well, how many are there? - Four.

Good God! Well -

well...that's wonderful. Super.

What a treat.

♪ ORCHESTRA FINALE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on, Bertie.

Oh - well done. Splendid.

Ah.

- Who is it? - It's Hildebrand, darling.

One moment, Hildebrand.

- Hildebrand? - Just shut up.

- Gentlemen. - Ah! Hello, Cora!

You remember Bertie Wooster?

- What ho, Cora. - Good evening, Mr Wooster.

Sorry! Sorry.

- Topping show. - Why, thank you.

I did not know you were a devotee of the opera, Mr Wooster.

Well, um,

I saw Naughty Naughty at the Hippodrome last year.

Did you really.

Hildebrand, I should be grateful

if you would NOT smoke your cigar in my dressing room.

- Oh. (CLEARS THROAT) - Thank you.

(CLEARS THROAT) He's so serious-minded, old Tuppy!

- I beg your pardon? - Tuppy - serious-minded. Lord, yes.

- Indeed? - Yes! Famous for it! I say to him,

when we're at the races or shifting a few at the trough -

"Tuppy, old fellow, you are serious-minded, aren't you?"

- Absolutely. - Mm!

Well, that went pretty well, I thought.

Mm! But how are you going to keep it up, Tuppy?

I have my long-term strategy, Bertie.

- Remember Beefy Bingham? - Yes, I ran into him the other day.

- He's a parson now. - Yes, quite.

Down in the East End. Well, the thing is,

Cora's frightfully keen on good works,

so I've been helping Beefy out at the lads' club he runs

for the local toughs. You know the sort of thing -

cocoa and cribbage in the reading room and whatnot.

Yes, I wondered where you'd been getting to.

What's more, Cora's promised to sing at Beefy's next entertainment.

And - mark my devilish ingenuity, Bertie -

I'm going to sing too.

How is that going to get you anywhere?

Because I intend to sing a song

to prove to her once and for all there are great deeps in my nature.

Well, I'm not singing one of your mouldy old comic songs.

I'm going to sing about angels being lonely,

and all that kind of stuff.

Angels being lonely? You're not going to sing... Sonny Boy?

I jolly well am!

♪ The angels grew lonely

♪ And took you because they were lonely

♪ Now I'm lonely too, sonny boy... ♪

I can't be responsible for Tuppy's affairs of the heart.

- You may be my favourite nephew... - But Aunt Dahlia!

..but he is your friend, Bertie.

Up to about three weeks ago,

that blasted Glossop was all over my daughter,

haunting the house, lapping up daily lunches,

dancing half the night and so on.

Naturally the poor kid imagined it was only a question of time

before he suggested they feed for life out of the same bucket.

Now he's gone and dropped Angela like a hot brick,

and I hear he's infatuated with some singer.

Mm. Cora Bellinger.

- How do you know? - I've met her.

- What's she like? - Bit on the lines of the Albert Hall.

I want this Bellinger business broken up, Bertie.

A little thing like this should be child's play to Jeeves.

Mm. ..from what I hear.

From what Mr Wooster has told me of the lady, I believe

that should she witness Mr Glossop appearing to disadvantage in public,

she would cease to entertain affection for him -

in the event, for example,

of his failing to please an audience on Tuesday with his singing.

By Jove! You mean - if he gets the bird, all will be off?

I should be greatly surprised if this were not the case, sir.

Ah, but we cannot leave this to chance, Jeeves.

We need not leave it entirely to luck, sir.

If Mr Glossop were to sing Sonny Boy

directly after you too, sir, had sung Sonny Boy,

I fancy the audience would have lost their taste for that particular song

and would respond... warmly, I'm sure.

- Jeeves, you are a marvel. - Thank you, madam.

Jeeves, you are an ass.

Me, sing Sonny Boy? At Beefy Bingham's entertainment?

Mr Wooster has a pleasant, light baritone, Mrs Travers.

He often uses it about the flat.

Bertie - you'll sing it.

And like it.

♪ England, England, England...

CATCALLS

♪ SINGS WITH DRAMA

♪ England!

♪ England! ♪ HECKLING

Not a large gathering, sir, but enthusiastically partisan.

Ah. You here, Jeeves.

Indeed, sir. I've been present since the commencement.

- Any casualties yet? - No, sir.

- So I'll be the first, will I? - By no means, sir.

I anticipate that you will be well received.

Mm? You don't suppose for one moment

when Tuppy Glossop hears me sing that dashed song,

he'll just stroll on a moment later and sing it too?

Mr Glossop will not hear you sing, sir.

- Eh? - Mm. At my advice,

he has stepped across the road to the Dog and Duck,

and intends to remain there until he's due to appear on the platform.

Oh!

♪ The world...repeats...

(AUDIENCE MURMURS IMPATIENTLY)

Thank you, Mr Simpson. Thank you.

And now, an old friend of mine is here to entertain us -

Mr Bertie Wooster.

♪ Climb up on my knee, sonny boy

♪ You are only three, sonny boy

♪ You've no way of knowing

♪ I've no way of showing

♪ What you mean to me, sonny boy

♪ Where there are grey skies

♪ I don't mind those grey skies

♪ Soon they'll be blue

♪ Sonny boy

CATCALLS AND LAUGHTER

♪ When they forsake me

♪ Let them all forsake me

(SINGS ON DESPERATELY) ♪ ..Sonny boy

♪ You're sent from heaven and I know your worth

♪ You made a heaven... ♪

♪ You are only three, sonny boy, la la la... ♪

It's time, Mr Glossop.

Thank you, Jeeves.

♪ The angels grew lonely

♪ Took you because they were lonely

♪ Now I'm lonely too, sonny boy ♪

DERISIVE CHEERS

And now, a real treat - someone who's become very familiar to us

at the cribbage board over the past few weeks,

but tonight he's going to sing for us -

Mr Hildebrand Glossop.

RAGGED APPLAUSE

Mr Glossop has also helped us with the ping-pong...

Most professionally performed, if I may say so, sir.

You may, Jeeves. You may.

Mind you, the bird was definitely hovering in the air.

I could feel the beating of its wings.

I fancy the audience may have lost its taste for this melody, sir.

Eh?

I should perhaps have mentioned earlier,

but the song was performed twice before you arrived.

You mean to tell me, Jeeves, that you deliberately -

I think Mr Glossop is about to begin, sir.

♪ Climb up on my knee, sonny boy AUDIENCE: Oh no!

♪ You are only three, sonny boy

♪ There's no way of knowing, you've no way of showing

♪ What you mean to me, sonny boy

♪ When there are grey skies Gerroff!

♪ YOU MAKE THEM BLUE, SONNY BOY... ♪

No! Enough! Gerroff! (DOG BARKS)

(SHOUTS ANGRILY)

This is unfair! This is completely unfair!

- The surgeon's knife, eh, Jeeves? - Precisely, sir.

Yes, we may definitely consider the Glossop-Bellinger romance off.

All right!

The next item on the programme was to have been sung

by Miss Cora Bellinger, the well-known operatic soprano.

I've just received a telephone message from Miss Bellinger,

that her car has broken down.

She is, however, on her way in a cab, and will arrive shortly.

Meantime, our old friend Mr Enoch...

Jeeves! She wasn't even here!

So it would seem, sir.

(SIGHS) So she never saw Tuppy's Waterloo.

This whole agony has been for nothing.

- Most unfortunate, sir. - Well, I'm going home, Jeeves.

Never, never, NEVER involve me in any of your schemes again.

Very good, sir. With your permission, sir,

I would like to witness the remainder of the entertainment.

Well, rather you than me, Jeeves.

Professionally, my heart has turned to stone.

May I?

(DECLAIMS) JEERING

(PLAYS PIANO BRAVELY)

- Mr Jeeves! - Good evening, Madam.

I'm so glad you could make it!

Yes - thank you, Mr Simpson! Thank you!

And, um, now, and well worth waiting for,

I'm sure you'll all agree, Miss Cora Bellinger.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

♪ PLAYS INTRO

♪ Climb up on my knee, sonny boy ♪

AUDIENCE REVOLTS

UPROAR

You know, Jeeves, I had one of the rummiest phone calls

in a lifetime of rummy phone calls last night.

Indeed, sir?

From my Aunt Dahlia. She told me Tuppy was there with Angela,

and all was over between him and Miss Bellinger.

I confess I had anticipated some such eventuality, sir.

Eh?

When I observed Miss Bellinger strike Mr Glossop in the eye.

What on earth did she do that for?

I fancy she was upset, sir,

at the vigour of the audience's disapproval of her choice of song.

Now Jeeves,

you're not going to tell me that Miss Bellinger sang Sonny Boy too?

Yes, sir.

Well, what an extraordinary coincidence.

Not entirely, sir.

I took the liberty of accosting Miss Bellinger

on her arrival at the hall,

and saying Mr Glossop had requested that she sing Sonny Boy

as a particular favour to him, sir.

- I say, Jeeves. - Precisely, sir. She supposed

she had been the victim of a practical pleasantry by Mr Glossop.

She took it hard, sir.

Good heavens, Jeeves.

- Shall I run your bath, sir? - Thank you, Jeeves. Yes.

Oh, Jeeves?

Yes, sir?

Those plus-sixes, Jeeves -

get rid of them, will you?

Thank you, sir.

It will be a wrench at first, but you'll feel better for it.