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- Vengeance is mine!

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I'm weird.

I've been called weird all of my life,

maybe because I do not fit the narrative

of what a black man should be,

portray as on television and movies?

I did not grow up in the hood,
in a single mother household.

I was raised in the suburbs,
in a loving two-parent,

lower middle-class household
until they kicked me out

days before my 18th birthday.

I'm a grown ass man who likes
watching Japanese animes

and cosplaying at Comicons.

I never got into Madden, but I do love me

some Final Fantasy.

I am a First Dan in martial arts,

been training since I was a kid.

I do not listen to crap
music, I meant rap music,

or at least not today's rap music.

The shit doesn't even rhyme anymore.

How's it rap?

I'm no thug, but I don't put up with shit.

I do not let my buttock show

by wearing my pants too low either,

that is some gay ass shit.

White people call it saggin'.

They are so creative, creating
names for our behavior.

Y'all do know what SAGGIN'
spelled backwards is, right?

(laughing)

Another thing black folk kill me about

is how I'm 30 something
years old and I have no kids,

they think that's weird.

No! I call it being responsible
with my reproductive system.

I'm not married.

The world's jacked up as it is.

Why bring another life
to this sick, sad world

without first establishing the
basic family unit, you know,

the husband and wife?

The regular army performs
free vasectomies for its men.

Too bad I was too chicken
shit of losing my boys,

otherwise I would have done
it during my enlistment.

If I were to slip up though,
I could take care of my seed.

I made some wise investments to the point,

I do not have to work at
the post office no more.

I do not work for my money
anymore, it works for me.

To think, I used to get dogged

for wearing clothes from Walmart.

People buying 200 Dollar Jordans

when it would cost like five bucks

to make off the backs of
Chinese children labor.

People are dumb.

Invest in property, buy a home

and rent out the spare bedrooms, like me.

Well, that's enough ranting
for me this morning.

Please leave a comment.

I'll post again tomorrow
after my date tonight

and share the juicy details
about the cutie I'm seeing.

Signing off, Zidane
Adams: The Black Blogger!

(oil sizzling)

(egg tapping)

- Morning roomie.
- Morning Amy.

- Smells good, I love bacon, thank you.

- My pleasure, slept well?

- Sort of, I had the weirdest dream.

- Really? Was I in it,
slaying dragons and shit?

- Cornball.

In my dream, I gave an
amazing presentation

on how to increase company's
profits to board of directors

and they loved it.

So much so, I received a promotion
and a week paid vacation.

- Right, well that is so weird.

- And I was a bear.
- Nice, I'd be pleased too.

Giggity, giggity, giggity!

- No, not bare, a bear, you know.

- My bad.

- Men! That reminds me.

I read your blog about sexual
allegations in Hollywood.

- Really, what you thought?

- I hated it.

- Why?

- It read like you were victim blaming

and you took the side of the accused

and you cracked jokes
at the victim's expense.

- All I said was, if my
agent grabbed my nuts,

I'd punch him in the
face and then fire him.

But, if it was a fine woman
that I was attracted to

who did that, I would like that shit.

- You're a perv.
- I'm being honest.

I've being groped by strange
women plenty of times.

I didn't feel harassed, I was aroused.

- Well, that's you.

Many of us do not wish to be fondled,

especially by somebody
in the position of power.

The workplace is supposed
to be a safe environment,

free of sexual harassment.

- I bet if Hugh Jackman
grabbed your ass at work,

you'd want to take it a step further.

- Stop!

- See, it's only sexual
harassment if you don't like it.

- I'm quite sure many of the
victims didn't appreciate it.

I feel bad for them.

- Man, I don't.

They chose their careers
over doing the right thing.

Had they reported the assault
as soon as it happened

those alleged predators
will be in prison or,

in the very least, people would've kept

their guard up around them.

- It's not that simple.

- Of course it is.

If victim one has reported the assault,

the probability of creating a victim two,

three, four, 500 by the same predator

would have been greatly reduced.

- Well, the many of
the victims were afraid

of being blacklisted and
that's why they kept quiet.

- They're a bunch of narcissists!

A close friend of mine
was actually raped, robbed

and pistol-whipped.

- Oh my God!

- She thought she was
going to die that day.

Luckily for her, she escaped
and he was a bad shot.

- She got shot at?

- Her left ear was blown off

and he found a bullet in her butt implant.

- That's scary.

- Dude knew where she lived

because he stole her driver's license.

Despite discouragement from
her friends and family,

she still reported the crime.

After they caught the rapist,
only after she testified,

that his other victims step forward.

Now, he's serving a
hundred year jail sentence.

- That serves him right.

I hope karma bites him in the
ass and then into his mouth.

- If only his first
victims had the courage

to step forward, my friend would
have never been victimized.

Hashtag, butterfly effect.

- I'm very sorry about your friend.

How is she?

- Time heals all wounds.

She's been going to therapy
and she's doing a lot better.

- That's good.

- The victims of these horrendous crime

never take responsibility
nor are held accountable

for failing to file a timely report.

They could have prevented her predator

from creating more victims but no.

Man, it really me pisses me off

how selfish these people can be!

- It's not that people
don't report these crimes.

Maybe they do, but nobody believes them

because of certain factors.

- Bullshit!

A hooker could claim rape

and there'll still be an investigation.

These Hollywood types
get no sympathy from me,

especially when they wait
years, decades later,

to make their voices heard.

- What if they were child actors

when it first happened to them?

- That's different.

Children are vulnerable and
they need to be protected.

After meeting with me, no Hollywood creep

would ever consider touching my child.

- Go dad.
(laughing)

- Don't jinx me.

But you know, on some real,
men don't believe the majority

of these adult actors who
claim rape are victims.

- Why do you believe that?

- Haven't you heard some of these stories?

An actress claimed her Hollywood producer

called her to his hotel room
at 2:00 AM in the morning.

When she knocked on his
door, he answered the door

wearing a bathrobe.

Now, if your boss invited
you to his hotel room,

what would you think?

- First of all, she would never.

It's unprofessional.

Even if she does, I would never go.

I see where you're going.

I guess, common sense is not so common.

- Exactly!

They did what they thought they
had to do to become famous.

Now, they want revenge.

I hate how an allegation is
more damaging than a conviction.

At least in prison, you
get three meals a day

and a roof over your head.

Alleged and walking free,
career gone, sponsors gone,

friends gone, family gone.

It really saddens me that at anytime,

someone can say something
untrue about you or me

and it will ruin our lives.

- I guess it's like a bitter divorce.

A bitter spouse will try to
tarnish their ex's reputation

and then con the judge into
financially raping him or her

by awarding unreasonable amount of alimony

and child support.

- You know, I wonder if
there's ever been a man

who's been a victim of the
casting couch by a hot or not

female executive producer.

- Quick pro quo? It's rumor in my office

that racist Sally is my boss's mistress.

And that's why she chose her
to be the next supervisor.

But our boss is a Mexicana.

- You know, I heard racist
sex is more exciting

than angry sex.

Yeah, yeah, I love it when you call me-

- Not funny!

Though mistress thing could be true.

Or maybe because she's white.

I should have gotten
that promotion, not her.

I have more seniority and a
better education than her.

- Maybe your boss wanted
brains and Sally's a genius!

- Gross!
(laughing)

- Oh, speaking of work, how
come you're not dressed yet?

- Company holiday.

I got three day weekend.

- Nice, what's on the agenda?

- Going to, Brews Brothers

and maybe hit the gym
after I watch some DVR.

You?

- Oh, I have a date tonight.

- That's great.

That same girl?

- Yup, I think tonight I'm
going to seal the deal.

- Wonderful.

I guess you moved on from the Ms. Thing.

- I think so, I haven't
heard from her in a while.

Oh! I have a fight tonight at one (pm).

- Don't tell me, again.

- Yup.

- You need to stop letting
those internet trolls

provoking you into fighting.

I did not understand why
you keep challenging them

whenever they talk shit on your blog.

Not one had ever shown up
at the designated place

that was agreed upon.

- It's the principle,
besides, I get off on it

when I prove their cowardice.

It's funny as hell when
they say there out there

looking for me and
they're nowhere in sight.

- I would back you up but I
don't want to waste my time.

Twice was already enough.

- No worries, maybe one day you get to use

those fancy moves you've been practicing.

- I can't wait.

And don't forget to wear your contacts.

- Five more minutes and I'm out.

Screw it, I'm out.

- Where the heck you going punk?

What now? Zidane, bitch!

Come on, what's really good?

- Oh shit, you actually
showed up! That's a first!

- You never should have come

because now I'm going to
send you to the hospital.

- Please do, matter of fact,
I'll let you get the first hit.

Come on, right here!

(fist pounding)

Oh, nice hit.

- [Troll] Are you scared?

You want to run away like a little bitch

before you need an ambulance?

- No way, I am way too excited.

- This is your last chance.

If I take off this jacket,

I am going to fuck you up as promised.

Heh! Prepare yourself!

(fist pounding)

Pocket sand!

(knee thumping)

(vocal noises)

(groaning)

- Yes!

Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun!!!

(heavy metal ringtone)

I'm a glutton for punishment!

Sophia, how do I owe the pleasure?

- Hey, what you doing right now?

- Oh, I'm just hanging out with a fan.

Say hi.

- Hi.

- Is he all right?

- Yeah, he's fine.

He just woke up from a nap.

What's up?

- Well, I'm in town and I was wondering

if you want to get together this evening.

Are you free?

- Actually-
- Great!

Let's get together at your place.

- My place?

- Yeah, I miss your cooking.

I would love it if you were to make

my favorite dish tonight.

- Right, about tonight.

- Are you still at the same place?

- Duh, I'm a homeowner.

- Awesome, I'll see you
at your place at eight.

- Hello? Hello?

Damn, she got me again!

Why does she make it so
hard for a man to move on?

(phone ringing)

- Hey you, how are you doing?

- [Zidane] Hi, I won't be
able to see you tonight,

my ex-girlfriend's visiting.

Damn.

That is an ugly ass photo.

Thank you, you're really comfortable.

Stay off my blog, okay?

Or the next time, you're
going to need an army

to save you from my wrath.

I know where you live.

Toodloo motherfucker!

(smooth music)

(romance music)

(lips kissing)

You're not wearing any underwear.

- For easier access.

(lips kissing)

- Look at you.

I remember that dress.

You wore that when we
went to Myrtle Beach?

- Montego Bay.

- Still look good on ya.

Our suite's floor wore it better, tho!

Shoes please.

(smooth music)

- I got this for you.

- Nice, thanks.

- This looks good.

See you retained your culinary skills.

Good job soldier.
- Former soldier and thanks.

I also retained my curse
of waking up at 04:00

no matter what time I go
to sleep the night before.

- They worked you cooks into the ground

to feed us ungrateful soldiers.

My recruiter tried to
con me into signing up

for that awful M.O.S.
(Military Occupation Specialty)

The look on his face I will never forget

when I scored a 90 on
the ASVAB and told him,

no thanks, I'm going to be a pilot.

- Smart move.

Being an army cook sucks!

That job was only good for
those who lack ambition

nor qualify for anything else.

- So why did you choose it?

92 "Get Down'?

- I didn't know better at the time.

I mean, compared to other
M.O.S., we woke up the earliest,

we worked the most hours,
including holidays and weekends.

I am grateful for everything
active duty has done for me,

but I hated life.

- Remember when we
missed the opening night

of that film festival
because your Sergeant

made you work all day because
of burning those fish?

- Corrective train, it was bullshit.

Some hater changed my oven setting

from 325 to broil.

- Somebody's out to get you.

- They all were.

I've ran circles around those blue falcons

and they sabotaged me.

- I can relate.

Somebody suggested to my commander

that I shouldn't be on
my current assignment.

- Why was that?

- Because he wanted it for himself.

- I see, have a seat,
I'll grab your plate.

(romance music)

(clearing throat)

- Thank you.

(smooth music)

(chair screeching)

- Bon apetit.

(glasses clanking)

Damn, this is strong.

- Lightweight.

[Sofia] Mmmmm!

- How's the food?

- Marvelous, you remember
how good food makes me feel?

(romance music)

- Oh, let me get that for you.

- Thank you.

(smooth music)

(glasses clanking)

- So, how's the army treating you?

Flown any famous generals yet?

- Absolutely! Where do I begin?

- How about, why are you here?

We've been broken up for over three years.

You got me on a yo-yo
and it's getting old.

- I wanted to see my old battle buddy.

You invited me.

- No, I didn't! You invited yourself.

- You didn't say no.

- You didn't give me a
chance to! What's your game?

- What game?
- Stop.

I haven't heard from
you in over six months.

- Because you acted like an asshole

and called my boyfriend gay.

- Are you blind?

Even Stevie Wonder could
tell he's on the D.L.

- No, he's not and Virgil and I

do not appreciate you
calling him gay on your blog.

- Oh, you still read my
blog, you little stalker!

You could at least hit
the subscribe button.

(sexual noises)

- Still think he's gay?

Want to see more videos?

- Whatever.

It's not uncommon for
gay men to pop Viagra

to perform in straight porn.

- Ah, you're still jealous.

- Never! I bet his phone has
that Grindr app downloaded.

(speaking Patois) 'im batty
bwoy! Mi GAYDAR neva fail once!

- He cares about me.

Unlike you, he knows how to treat a woman.

He's giving me the kind of love
that I've never experienced.

Not with you or anyone else.

- You know, gay men have
that effect on women.

They're more likely to
undress in front of them

than straight dudes.

- That's because they're not a threat.

I can't undress in front of you

without getting my ass smacked.

- You like that shit.

- That's not the point!

When I undress in front of him,

he doesn't only see me as a piece of ass

and when we're out in public,

he's not always staring at other bitches.

- See, you just proved my point.

All I'm saying is, you're
going to end up hurt

when you realize he's a fudge packer.

- Remind me again, why do
you think this way of him?

- You remember two years
ago when you first showed me

his photo in Montego Bay?

Mi GAYDAR was on fire!

I told you he looks gay

and when I asked you if
he was your new boyfriend,

you denied it.

- He wasn't at the time.

He's a little quirky,
but definitely not gay.

- Keep lying to yourself.

Okay, you two been together
for about two years now.

You love him, right?

How come you don't live together?

- I like having my own space.

- Okay.

How come you moved several
hours away from him?

- Because of work.

Our relationship is beyond the physical.

We're connected on an
emotional and spiritual level.

- Lame.

Do you know what really
convinced me though?

When you told me how you
two slept in the same bed

for more than 30 days
and only had sex once

and he did not mind.

- What's wrong with that?

We're like a married couple.

I'm not even into sex
like that, not anymore.

- Stop lying, when we were together,

we knocked boots every other day.

- Where you listening?

I'm not into sex like that anymore.

- Maybe not with him
because deep down, you know.

- If he was a homosexual or even bisexual,

I would not be with him
period! That's just nasty!

- That's another thing I
noticed about you women.

You'll mess around with other women

and still call yourselves
straight and think nothing of it.

- So what?

Women are fun to be with.

You thought nothing of it
when I let you watch me

and my home girl.

- Not the point! But
let a dude mess around

with another guy just once,
you gonna think he's been gay.

Not bi, but straight up gay.

- If you're a man who
likes kissing other men,

sucking dick or taking
dick in the ass, then yes,

you are a bundle of sticks.

- Even if a men was to
date a transsexual woman

who can pass as a sexy woman,

you would still call that man gay.

- Because it's a man!

Just because it has tits, hips, ass

and a pretty face like a woman,
does not make it a woman!

- Stop hating on transgenders.

You better watch out,

a lot of them are starting
to look way hotter

than you cis-genders.

- They are confused gay men
tricking you straight guys

into fucking them, not realizing
what they're doing is rape.

- How do you figure?

- Have you seen that episode
of that sex crime police drama?

Two teenage girls offer
blindfolded fellatio to a teen boy.

Just before he was about to blow his load,

the blindfold was removed.

He saw his dick inside
another teen boy's mouth.

(laughing)

Eww!

He was enjoying that sweet head!

The gay teen thought he
was playing a prank on him

when in fact he was raping him.

He was not given the consent,

the two girls were.

- So, what is the point you're
making about transgenders?

- If I told you I was born a man,

how would that make you feel?

- You weren't though, right?

- Of course not! Hypothetical.

Um...

- Confused and disturbingly
attracted to you.

I don't know whether to kiss you

or stabby, stab, stab!

I don't like being deceived,
definitely not like that.

- If I told you I was born
a man the night we met,

would you have still fucked
me at Sergeant Jordie's party?

- Fuck no! I mean, you fine and all

but that's just not my cup of tea.

- See, do you now understand?

- I get it.

It's like that eighties movie
where that teen wore a mask

and pretended to be that
hot girl's boyfriend.

After they had sex, he
revealed who he really was.

Because she liked it, she
became his new girlfriend

instead of crying rape.

Had she known that wasn't her boyfriend

from the first place,
she woulda dismissed him.

- Exactly.

Honestly, if transgenders truly believed

that God made them into the wrong sex,

why do they call men faggots
for messing with them?

And why do they try to
publicly shame them?

- Damn, that is a good question.

- Have you seen that video of that tranny

outing that celebrity?

- Yeah, that was embarrassing.

It gives the whole trans
community a bad name.

It makes me reluctant
to even befriend one.

- I can't take them seriously.

They want us to accept
them for who they are

yet they can't accept
themselves for who they were.

People with bipolar disorder
can't join the military

yet people with gender dysphoria can.

- I don't care who joins the service

as long as they live up
to the military standards.

You sounding bitter. Who hurt you?

- Far from it, I'm just
sick of all the nonsense

that's been going on
from the bathroom issue

to this current
administration, I'm sick of it.

It's just so fucking stupid.

- Well, with the defunding
of public education,

the public is going to
get dumber and dumber

and vote for politicians

that's going to go against
their own best interests.

- Agreed, with public education defunded,

will the next generation
have qualified teachers

to teach at private schools?

Oh, feeling titilated.

What's for dessert?

- What would you like?

- What do you got?

- Your favorite.

- Yummy.

(romance music)

My sexual chocolate, give
me my real desert daddy.

- Shit.

(doorbell ringing)

Damn.

- Are you expecting someone?

- Yeah, that's my tenant and
that's her two minute warning.

- But I haven't finished my dessert.

Oh, slap my ass!

(soft slap)

Oh, slap it like you mean a daddy!

(hard slap)

Aye!

Harder, harder, faster,
faster, just like that.

I miss this good dick, yes!

- About to come.

Hey, let go!

I said I'm about to come!

- It's okay, keep going.

- [Zidane] No, get off!

- That's what I'm trying to do!

(groaning)
(laughing)

(groaning)

- That was awesome.

(smooth music)

- You still on the pill?

- Of course, I wouldn't
have let you come inside me

if I wasn't.

- You raped me.

- It's only rape if you didn't like it.

- Shut up!

(lips kissing)

I love you.

- I love you too.

- Then why do we keep doing this?

- Doing what?
- This.

You're making it really
hard for a man to move on.

- We're just friends having a little fun.

- Friends don't fuck.

- Friends with benefits do,

plus, I already have a boyfriend.

- Yet here you are with me.

Told you that nigga is gay.

- Don't mess up the moment, please.

(smooth music)

Remember this, when we saw
it at the film festival?

- Yeah, it was pretty
good, "Dating Friends".

- Yeah.
(smooth music)

Oooh!

- I like that part.

(blogger theme music)

Good morning Zidanites.

Yesterday I had a good day.

Finally, I got to
confront one of my haters

and I whooped his ass.

Let this be a lesson.

Anybody who tries me better
have a motherfucking army.

Yo, I blew off yet another date

to hang out with my old flame.

It seems whenever I'm seeing
someone new, she pops up.

Her visits always end up the same.

We talk, we argue,

we fuck and she dips before daybreak.

Why do I expect anything
to be different with her?

Let's see.

We've been together for four years.

Then on off for the last three something.

I forget, clearly we still
have feelings for each other.

Why don't we just make it official

and become a couple again?

As much as I like my tenant,

I'm too old to live with my tenants.

I want to settle down
and be with my Sophy.

I don't know what's holding her back,

but I can't keep doing this.

It's been going on way too long.

I need to stop blowing off dates

to hang out with my ex bitch.

Signing off, Zidane
Adams, The Black Blogger.

PS, I fucked your bitch again,
you gay ass motherfucker!

- Morning Amy.
- Morning roomie.

- Do you have any of your hangover remedy?

My head is killing me.

- It's in the fridge, help yourself.

(fridge whirring)

- Good stuff.

- How was the last night?

You two must've had a ball?

"Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Harder, harder."

I recognize that moan.

Miss thing is back in town.

Shaking my head.
I hope the girl you blew
off last night took it well.

Shaking my head.

- I'm quite sure she's fine.

Oh, sorry about not cleaning
up the mess last night.

- Forget about it.

I had some of the food
and it was slamming.

- Thank you.

Say, what are you watching?

- F3: Kelly Vs. Sarah.

It's a martial art short film
starring ass-kicking women.

- Cool, let me see.

(upbeat music)

That was good, I like that.

- I know right.
This is just an interlude
to F3 feature-length film

and I can't wait to see it.

- Really?

- Yeah the,

the feature will take place
at the Ferocious Femme Fatal

Women Exclusive Martial Arts Tournament

and it will be women versus women fighting

and until there was
only one left standing.

- Sounds brutal.

- It's gonna to be.

The producer only wants to
hire real martial artists

for those roles.

- Now I'm excited.

When is it coming out?

- I'm not sure.

I supported their
Kickstarter a while back,

sadly, it failed.

I believe F3 is going to be a game changer

and that's why I directly
supported the producers

and they sent me this shirt.

- That's nice of them.

- Yeah, they sent me two actually.

The other one is a little
too big, do you want it?

- Cool!

- Yeah, please support them.

"F3: Kelly Vs. Sarah" is available to rent

or buy on Amazon Prime Video.

- I'll buy my copy later.

I hope they get enough sales to produce

their feature length film.

- Me too, the script won
the best martial art script

at the Urban Action Film
Festival in New York City.

The movie will turn out great.

- How do you know all this?

- Oh, it was on their
old Kickstarter page.

And they had a Cynthia Rothrock

attached to play a supporting role.

- 'Miss Lady Dragon' herself?

I used to love watching her growing up.

Did you know she was an
inspiration for Sonya Blade?

- More like bit off Cynthia's likeness

and famous scorpion kick
without paying her a penny.

I love the original Mortal Kombat movie

but Sonya actress was a bad
casting, she couldn't fight.

Cynthia would have made
that role ten times better.

- Word.

Yeah well, I used to have this huge crush

on Miss Rothrock as a kid.

Age hasn't slowed her down
and she still looks hot.

- Yup, I hope I will look that good too.

- Damn!

What happened to your eye?

Who's ass do I need to kick?

- Oh, it's nothing.

Just an accident at the gym yesterday.

- Spill it.

- Please don't laugh.

(thumping noises)

- Amy.

- Sally.
- I didn't know you
worked out at this gym.

- I didn't know that you worked out.

- Of course I do.

You think this body's natural?

It took hard work.

- Like your promotion.

- What is that supposed to mean?

- Nothing.

- You know I don't like your tone,

but we're not in the
office, so I'll let it go.

- I'm sorry you feel that way.

(verbal noises)

Whoa, I didn't want to mess with you.

- Thanks.

Yeah, I push this body hard.

Still got a long way to go though.

- What did you study?

- Jujitsu, boxing, what about you?

- Kung Fu.

- Interesting.

Care for a friendly match?

- Define friendly.

- Full contact.

No hits above the neck.

Match is over when the
first one cries or bleeds.

- If I hurt you, are
you going to report it

to human resources?

- I already told you
we're not in the office.

- Okay, I'm game.

Let's rumble.
- All right. We'll see who's
fighting style is superior!

(upbeat music)

(thumping sounds)

This is fun.

- I like this too.

(thumping sounds)

(upbeat music)

(thumping sounds)

- OMG! Amy, are you okay?

- You're strong.

You hit harder than my father.

- I'm sorry, let's stop.

You don't see any tears yet.

- Okay.

(upbeat music)

(thumping sounds)

- Sorry.

- You're good.

(thumping sounds)

- You wanna call it a draw?

- Sure.

(panting)

- Is it true?

- What is?

- You're the boss' mistress?

- That's silly.

- Tell me, the floor represents Vegas.

- No, I'm not.

I heard that rumor myself,
it made me chuckle.

- Then why did she pick you over me?

- You really want to know?

- Yes.

- I threatened to call ICE.
- What?

- Kidding.

I earned it.

You people were too busy
making stuff up about me

to notice how hard I busted my ass.

You know, I worked more
than 60 hours a week

for the past three months.

- Wow, I didn't know.

- Yeah well, if those people
would have spent as much energy

into their job as they did
spreading rumors about me,

I'd not be their supervisor.

- I see.

I'm sorry that I believed the rumors.

- No harm, no foul.

Besides, unlike like those slackers,

I do see potential in you.

- Really?

- Yeah, just keep your nose clean

and keep doing a fantastic job

and someday you'll get a promotion too.

- Okay, well thank you for your kind words

and you're a great fighter,
you gain my respect.

- Yeah as did you.

(laughing)

In another life though,

I'd totally fuck the boss'
brains out for a promotion.

(laughing)

- Afterwards, she bought me protein shake

and then we talked about our work,

our hobby and men.

I used to think she's a
bitch, but outside of work,

she's actually cool
and a little bit scary.

- You two became besties.

- I wouldn't say that,
but I'm glad we hung out.

Most of the rumors about her were false.

- Cool, she still blacked your eye though.

(laughing)

I hate you libtards!

Your arguments are never based in logic!

For example, whenever a
mass shooting happens,

your first instinct is to
demand stricter gun laws.

Newsflash motherfuckers!

The last mass shooter was
not the legal gun owner

of the weapons he used to
commit his horrible crime.

How is gun reform going to
stop a would be murderer

from attaining a gun illegally?

Laws only effect those
who choose to follow them!

Even if the second amendment
was erased from history,

criminals would still have guns.

Guess who won't?

You law abiding citizens.

History has proven, those who aren't able

to defend themselves, get
rounded up and exterminated

for their beliefs, their land, their food

and other resources.

Does this need to happen
before you losers are happy?

Uh-oh, it's time for training, let's go!

ACHOOOO!

(playful music)

(message chime)

- [Comment] So you're
saying we shouldn't have any

laws then?

This has to be your stupid,
most dumbest post ever!

Stupid monkey!

- That's another thing I
hate about you liberals.

You don't fucking read!

That's not what I wrote at all.

Since you can't argue with my logic,

you resort to Ad Hominems.

Until you prove my argument
wrong, you can eat a dick!

(message chime)

- [Comment] Hey, my
little brother was killed

in a mass shooting.

You need some sensitivity training.

- No, you need to stop being a pussy.

Sorry for what happened to your brother,

but I'm sticking to my argument.

If you want to change my mind,

share stories of mass shootings

performed by legal gun owners.

- [Comment] You fucking coon,

I bet you voted for Trump.

You are not white!

Trump doesn't care about you!

He and the clan are gonna
hang your black ass.

Bernie Sanders 2020!

- I did not vote for Trump
and fuck Barney Panders!

You wanna be socialist assholes
need to stop being envious

and spiteful of those who
are doing better than you.

You envy the fruits of one's labor,

but never the labor that bears the fruit.

Soon, you all won't be able
to mooch off the government.

You want socialism? Move to Sweden.

Demanding the government to tax

the hell out of my
money to redistribute it

to those who do not wish
to work is not charitable,

it's theft!

It's amazing how those
who ain't got nothing

are quick to give away
someone else's shit.

(message chime)

- [Comment] On February
14th, 2018, 17 people were-

(birds chirping)

(humming video game training theme)

- Hello!

Hi, I'm Zidane.

You jog here often?

Nice weather, huh?

(panting)

In today's society will call
my behavior street harassment,

but my daddy would say

"This was how I met your mother."

- Sally, my name is Sally.

- Were you trying to play hard to get?

- No, I was trying to get away from you.

- Oh.

- But you made me laugh.

Figured you can't be that
bad if you have a dad.

- Okay.

Not sure how I'm supposed
to feel about that.

At least I feel lesser of a creep.

- Okay, you got my attention.

What do you want of me?

- To get to know you.

- You want to get to know me?

- I wouldn't have broken
the ice otherwise.

- Okay.

I need sustenance.

Brunch, your treat.

- I'd rather let's go dutch.

- Why would I go dutch with
you when I have other options?

- To make sure you generally
want to get to know me

and not hustling me for a free meal.

- Okay, good answer.

There is a diner like
three miles that way.

Last one there's a rotten egg.

- Hey, not fair!

(blogger theme music)

I can't believe we ran
three miles to some diner.

The food was good though.

This new woman I met is remarkable.

She's smart, fit,

has a good job and
doesn't mind going dutch.

She's a little too straightforward

but it's part of her charm.

We have gone out several times
since our initial encounter.

We've gone hiking.

(blogger theme music)

Watch each other's podcast.

- Yo, yo, yo!

I aint no racist but yo, yo,

why is it that every time some injustice

against black folk happen,
caused by white people,

the black folk will start
rioting and robbing and stealing

and causing destruction in
their own neighborhoods?

They would never pull that bullshit

in the white neighborhoods

when it was the white people
who caused the black people

to start rioting in the first place.

Black people are dumb!

They're dumb as fuck!

You know what Tommy Sotomayer says,

"Niggas don't know how to build,

they only know how to destroy."

(blogger theme music)

- We gone to the movies.

(blogger theme music)

(loud screaming)

(playful music)

Brews Brothers bar.

(playful music)

(snooker balls colliding)

(playful music)

(muffled words)

Hello ladies!

(laughing)

- What a geek.
- Don't talk to us, lame ass.

(playful music)

- Okay.

- Another self-hater.

- Sell out and weak.

(playful music)

- And of course, training.

Eventually she became
comfortable enough with me

to come over to my place
to play video games.

(video game noise)

(laughing)

- Oh yeah!
(laughing)

- Okay, okay.

About three out of five.

- No, you already lost
three times in a row.

You're done!

Dude, you promised.

- Fine.

- You're really good at this.

- Thank you.

So, have you heard about
the latest child suicide

from cyber bullying?

- Which one? I can't keep track.

- You ever thought about having kids?

- Sometimes, what about you?

- I think kids would be nice
if I was with the right woman.

How would you go about raising
them in today's society?

- Well, I'd raise them to have thick skin.

- Oh, how would you go about that?

- I would teach them how to
fight and then go from there.

You know, it makes me sad
how all of today's kids

are such PC pussies, you know.

In Soviet Russia, sticks
and stones may break bones,

but words are deadly like machine gun.

(laughing)

- I was bullied once.

This particular kid would call me a nerd

every time she would see me.

She would slap the books
right out of my hand.

- She?
- Hey!

She was really big!

(laughing)

Anyway, the other kids saw how
she kept on messing with me

and then they tried to mess with me too.

The one day, I just got fed up.

I just grabbed this chair
and I threw it at her.

I missed and I hit the teacher.

- What?

- Yeah, the teacher lost some teeth.

But after that day,

the other kids didn't
mess with me no more.

- That's awesome.

I'll admit, I was a bully once.

- No.

- Yes, my reign lasted
until the 10th grade.

- Oh, what happened?

- Picked on the wrong person.

She busted me up pretty good.

- Then what happened?

- I asked her to train me.

No seriously, I was able
to channel all of my anger

into something positive and,

that ass kicking saved my life.

I don't know where I'd be otherwise.

- I don't see how you got anger issues,

you being a white gal and all.

- Wow, you know, not all white gals

had these fairytale childhoods, okay?

My mom raised me on her
own the best she could

until she abandoned me.

I was seven years old
when she dropped me off

at my aunt's house and
I never seen her since.

- What about your dad?

- Oh, he tried to be involved

but my aunt made difficult for him.

- Why?

- He was behind on child support

and she hated him for cheating on my mom.

I have five siblings out in
the world that I've never met,

nor do I want to.

- You should.

Next thing you know, you
end up dating your brother

or one of your nephews if
you're into young guys.

- Anyways, my dad had a
hard time maintaining a job.

My dad tried to stop drinking,

but by the time he kicked the habit,

I had graduated college with a bachelor's

in business management.

- Did you ever develop
a relationship with him

after you became an adult?

- Yeah, we tried, but then he died.

- Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
- Fuck him.

- I grew up with both of my parents.

They taught me independence
by kicking me out

right after graduating high school.

- How cruel.

- Yep, the old man was like,

"There can not be two men
living in this household."

- How did you survive?

I didn't take high school seriously enough

to get any scholarships, so
after being homeless for awhile,

I enlisted into the army.

I gave them six years of my life.

After I got out, got a
job at the post office.

When I started making
money off the stock market,

I quit the post office
and bought this condo

using my VA home loan with no money down.

- Thank you for your service.

Were you ever deployed?

- Unfortunately, no.

My battle's did, only
half of them came back.

- I am so sorry.

- My battles made the ultimate sacrifice

to protect our freedoms.

I honor their memory by
preparing their favorite dishes.

- I'd really like to try them someday.

- You'll get your wish.

The anniversary of their
passing is coming up.

- I'll clear my calendar.

- I would like that.

(dramatic music)

(glasses clanking)

(dramatic music)

I think that I found a keeper.

Signing off, Zidane
Adams, The Black Blogger.

(dramatic music)

(fridge slamming)

- Sally.

- Amy.

- Sally?

- Amy?

what are you doing here?

- What am I doing here?

I live here.

What are you doing here?

That's my shirt.

- Your shirt?

This is my boyfriend's shirt.

- Boyfriend?

You slept here?

- Sup ladies.

- What is she doing here?

- She lives here.
She's my roommate.
- Roommate.

- Oh, I forgot to tell you.

I rent out the spare bedrooms.

- How can you forget something like that?

- My bad.

- This is awkward.

- Did you two know each other?

- This is Sally, she's my supervisor.

- She's that Sally?

- That Sally? What do
you mean, that Sally?

Have you been talking trash about me?

- No, not at all.

- Amy would never do anything like that.

You two are like besties.

- So you two are just roommates?

- Yes.
- Yes.

- Not roomies with benefits?

- No!
- No!

I mean, there was one
time we got piss drunk

but it was a long time ago.

- What?

- Amy, you know that's one
of your crazy ass dreams.

- No it wasn't it.

Yes, it was a dream, my bad.

I am still hung over from last night.

- So then why am I wearing her t-shirt?

- Oh, I gave it to Zidane, it was a gift.

I donated some cash to a movie.

- Well, aren't you a
supporter of the arts.

- So, are we good now?

- Yeah, now I understand.

(sighing)

Thought I was gonna
have to snap some necks.

- No, no snapping necks today.

(heavy metal ringtone)

Want some coffee?

- Sure, yeah, I like mine black.

- Since when?

(heavy metal ringtone)

- Hello?

- Zidane.

- Oh, Sofia!

Let me guess, you've read my latest blog

and now you want to change
my mind about my new woman.

Sorry, it's not going to work this time.

- Zidane, listen to me.

Are you home?
- Yes.

- Are you sitting down?

- No.

- You may want to.

- Right.

- No, I'm serious, I don't,
I don't know how to say-

- Them just say it!

- I'm pregnant.

- Congratulations, I
hope that Viagra sperm

produces a healthy baby.

- Since when you needed to use Viagra?

Hello?

Hello, are you still there?

- Yo, stop fucking with me!

You said you were on the pill!

- Well, it's not a
hundred percent effective

- Bullshit!

If you truly were pregnant,

then how come you waited
until now to tell me?

- Because I thought about killing it!

- You thought about killing the child

that may possibly be
mine without telling me?

Man, you women are selfish!

- My body, my choice.

- Your body, your
choice, my responsibility

if you choose to give birth.

I don't want a child outside of wedlock.

- Well, you shouldn't have came inside me.

- You raped me!

I withdrew consent the
moment I told you to get off.

- Too bad, I'm having the baby,
I'm not going to marry you

and you're going to be my baby daddy.

- Did you decide to keep it after learning

about my new woman?

- Boy, bye.

- Don't hang up on me, I ain't done.

What about Gaylord?

- He's not gay and no, it couldn't be his,

the months don't add up.

- Oh boy!

I bet you didn't tell him.

- Of course I did and he said
he's going to get on a plane

and fuck you up.

- Tell that broke simp ass bitch

that I don't swing that way.

- You can tell him yourself, bye!

- Wait, I'll play devil's advocate.

If the child is mine,
what are we going to do?

Joint custody?

- No, you can visit whenever you want

but I'm getting sole custody.

- Screw that!

I don't want my seed to be
raised in a single mother home.

He or she will need his father.

- I grew up without my sperm donor

and I turned out just fine.

- No, you didn't.

You don't know how to treat a man.

That's why you can't keep one

and try and make a relationship
with a gay guy work.

- My boyfriend is not gay!

Asshole.

(laughing)

(scary music)

- Just like that, I miss this good dick.

I love you too.

- You know, if my family
knew I was dating you,

they'd shoot you.

- The fuck?

- Seriously.

I've only ever been with white guys,

mostly blondes, blue eyes.

You're one of the good ones.

- What is that supposed to mean?

- I'm sorry.

Sometimes insensitive
things come out of my mouth

that offend minorities.

I mean well.

- Oh, it makes sense now.

At first, I thought you just
didn't like being touched,

but now, you're just a racist.

Racism! Setting children up for success

in a diverse world.

- Hey, I've gotten a lot better
since leaving Ohio, okay?

The old me would have
never even considered

dating a black man
unless he was like very,

very high quality.

- Wow!

So in other words, Barack
Obama has the same chances

of dating old you as white boy
Mike who works at Taco Bell.

- Whatever.

- You're gonna be my baby daddy.

(screaming)

- I'm a bear!
(roaring)

(roaring)

- Hey, you okay?

Yo, chill!

Are you on that shit?

- Oh, it was just a dream.

Where's Sally?

- She left hours ago

to handle an emergency at the office.

- Damn, she left me on the floor?

That's messed up.

- Is there something wrong?

- Yes and her name is Sophia.

- What did she do this time?

- Not she, we.

We're pregnant.

- Congratulations.

Wait, I thought you and Sally are an item.

- Not officially.

- What do you mean?

She must mean something to you.

Why else would you have
her spend the night?

- That doesn't mean
anything, don't be so naive.

- Stop, I know you.

Sally is a good woman.

Don't mess this up.

Tell her about Sophia.

- You're right.

I wonder how she's going to take it.

(screaming)

- You know what, this
is exactly why my family

doesn't want me dating black men.

You're nothing but fucking drama.

I don't want a man with kids.

- Kid, one.

- Get the fuck outta here!

(rock music)

- And just like that, she cut me off.

Well, the relationship was still new,

so there were no real feelings.

At least I hit! Giggity!

Just going to sit here at Brews Brothers

and drown my sorrows, single once again,

Zidane Adams, The Black Blogger.

(rock music)

- Hey, I know you.

I follow your blog.

You're Zidane Adams.

- That's me.

Say, you look familiar.

Have you done porn?

(laughing)

- No you silly billy.

I would never do anything like that.

It's cool that I finally get to meet you.

I just flew in from
Georgia like, yesterday.

- Georgia, that's where my
ex-girlfriend was stationed at.

- Really?

Oh yeah, that's right.

I remember reading about
that in one of your blogs.

Your posts about your ex
be getting me LMAO, okay?

Especially the parts where you
keep ripping on her boyfriend

for being gay.
(laughing)

Them is some jokes!

- Yeah, that nigga is gay.

He need to leave that bitch alone

and come out that damn closet.

- Man you are funny.

I appreciate your sense of humor.

Everyone is trying so hard to be PC.

The littlest of things offend people.

- And that's one of many
reasons why Trump is in office,

he has no chill, it's hilarious.

- The same could be said about you.

Sometimes your blog
comes off as homophobic.

- If wanted to offend gay people,

I would talk about religion.

But no, I do not have
a problem with gay men,

only the ones who do not
be true to themselves

and string along young innocent women.

- I hate, hate fake people okay? So phony!

Bartender, can I get a
round of drinks over here

for my new friend?

- Yeah, you cool with that?
- You cool with that?

- I mean it's free alcohol.
- It's free alcohol.

(phone ringing)

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- All right, cool.

- Thank you.

Didn't you call the
LGBTQ community bullies

in one of your blogs? I
remember reading that.

- What I wrote was we
went from being tolerant

to force acceptance.

This is tolerance.

Eww!

Two gay guys kissing.

Now, this is forced acceptance.

Eww! Two gay guys kissing!

Hey, I don't want to see that!

"Oh, you're a homophobe,
let's find out who he is

and get him fired."

You get what I'm saying?

- I bet you have strong
opinions about that gay couple

who lost their lawsuit to the baker.

The one who refused to bake them a cake

because of his religious beliefs.

- Don't get me started on that one.

Hey, I'm sorry, I didn't get your name.

- It's Virgil.

- Virgil, where have I
heard that name before?

- Have you ever seen, "Static Shock"?

- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that's
what I heard that name before.

- Here you go.

- Thanks.
- No, I'm good Rachel.

- You sure?

Come on, they're on me.
- They're on him, man.

I mean it's right here.

- It's right here.

- If you insist.

- Cheers.

(rock music)

- Man.

My girl be cheating on
me with her ex bitch.

It makes me so mad.

It's okay.

I've been messing around on her too.

- She aint your girl, dog.

You need to let a ho
be a ho and let her go.

- Women.

You can't live with them,

can't live without them.

- Actually, you can.

I've been reading this
dude's book, Jai Duval.

He teaches us men how not to be simps

for any loser ass bitch who
only brings sex to the table.

- [Virgil] For realsies?

- I've learned a lot from him.

He preaches three basic
standards to look for in a woman.

She's considerate, cooperative
and financially responsible.

- What do you mean by cooperative?

- Pretty much, you don't want
a woman who's going to fight

you over trivial matters.

Especially asked of
her if it's reasonable.

Did you know, we are
programmed from our mothers

and society to sacrifice
our own need for a woman?

Most women would never do that for a man.

- I think I know what you mean.

My home girl, she's doing 25 to life

for stabbing her boyfriend in the back

and letting him bleed out.

- Damn!

What did he do to deserve that?

- He dumped her.

He was more concerned about
her getting into trouble

than letting her call an
ambulance to save his own life.

- Damn!

Simping kills!

- Tell me about it.

On a sinking ship,

it's women and children first.

Why not children first on the lifeboats?

They're the future.

Like Whitney sang.

- Maybe because they
need adult supervision

in order to survive.

But yeah, before I read Jai's book,

my standards in a
relationship was pretty face

and a banging body.

Now, I only date women
who's looking for a partner,

not a provider.

She has a good job and pays her own way.

- His book sounds like Steve
Harvey's women empowerment book

but for men.

- Yeah.

My ex treated me like shit!

I loved her yo.

All I wanted was her love and affection.

I wanted to provide her a life of comfort.

Man, the only time she
returned phone calls

is when she wanted something.

- What a blatant user.

I never have that problem with my girl.

She always wants to talk.

- I was the only guy to take her

to exotic locations and shit.

I paid for her car insurance,
her hair and nails,

I did whatever she asked of me.

And what does she give in return?

Headache, heartache, stress

and sex.

Really, really good sex.

Still, hookers would've been cheaper.

- You're too much.

You don't want hookers though.

Next thing you know, she shoots
you in the back of the head

while you're sleeping, then
takes your guns, your money,

your truck and claims
it was all self-defense.

(laughing)

- I heard that case before.

Or, said she robbed and
drugged men to survive

and fund her rap career.

Those simps would never press charges.

Man, my ex used to act up on the ass too,

but ever since we broke up,
she won't leave me alone!

But at least now she treats me better.

- Some people don't realize
how good they have it

until it's gone.

And even when things get
better, they still act up.

Fucking women.

- To hell with them.
(glasses clanking)

(laughing)

- Hey, I thought we were
going to the strip club.

(laughing)

Hey, where are we?

- You know, you'd make a
pretty good drinking buddy

if you weren't such an asshole.

- Hey, what are you talking about?

- You know, there's another reason

my name sounds so familiar.

And it's not from that damn cartoon.

Think hard.

- I can barely walk,
never mind think straight.

- Sophia's boyfriend is named Virgil.

- Oh, you got the same name.

- I'm that Virgil motherfucker!

(feet pounding)

(laughing)

- You broke, simp ass fruitcake.

You really got on a plane, to beat my ass.

- Oh, you're darn tootin'.

You got my girlfriend pregnant

and I'm tired of you clowning me online.

I'm not gay!

- Shit!

Could've fooled me buttercup.

- You ruined my plans.

Do you have any idea how much time it took

to swap my girlfriend's birth
control with sugar pills?

(laughing)

Lame!

You should really read Jai Duval's book.

Sophia is a no good skeezer.

I've been banging her
for the past two years

since y'all have been together.

You should really be
fighting her instead of me.

- Oh, I'm not the only one
who's got beef with you.

(bird noises)

- Remember me?

- You're alive?

- Payback bitch!

Check out my new moves.

(whistling)

- But I thought I told
you to bring an army.

(bird noises)

- You've been talking a
lot of shit on the internet

and we are here to fix that.

- You doing wrong!

(upbeat music)

- This is more like it!

Bring it, trolls!

ACHOOOO!!!

(pounding noises)

- Screw this!

ACHOOOO!!!

(laughing)

(feet thumping)

(thumping sounds)

- Beat that ass, yeah,
I want to see blood!

(rock music)

- Are you an angel?

- No, angels don't deliver pain.

At least you hit, huh?

We're going to have a
serious talk about your blog.

(fist pounding)

- I can't hit a girl.

- Why not? Just think about your mama.

- Don't talk about my mommy.

- Yo mama bitch!

Come on, be a pussy, fucking hit me!

Your momma is so ugly that she-

(fist pounding)

- Jamama!

(fist pounding)

- Pocket sand, oh damn it!

(fist pounding)

- God damn it!

- Back baby.

You and me!

You're going down.

- In your dreams.

- I hope I don't get
charged with a hate crime

but you brought this upon yourself.

- I'm not gay!

(upbeat music)

(fist pounding)

Are you having fun?

(fist pounding)

How does it feel to get your ass kicked

by someone who you've been bullying

about their sexuality?

You fucking maricon.

(fist pounding)

- It's not sexual
harassment if you like it.

(feet pounding)
(laughing)

(laughing)

I knew it!

Fucking knew it!

Yes!

(laughing)

- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for how I acted earlier.

- Thanks for saving my ass.

- Hey, you're not off the
hook yet fucker, come on.

Amy's waiting for us at the bar.

Yeah, you're annoying,

but you sure do make my life interesting.

- Does this mean you got over
your bigoted brainwashing?

- Where am I?

- You got knocked the fuck
up, that's what happened.

(phone beeping)

- Dammit!

- Oh, that doesn't sound good.

I have some more bad news.

I've already canceled
your flight back home.

- Hey, come on, don't be like that!

We had him until that bitch showed up!

Oh, you're going to be like that.

Well, fuck you too.

(feet thumping)

(phone beeping)

(doorbell ringing)

- Hi!

- Afternoon.

That's some ring you got there.

Amy right?

- As promised, I came
here to check the room

you have available for rent.

- Of course, right this way.

(smooth music)

What up? How was work?

- Stressful, how was your day?

- My stock prices went up, I'm happy.

So how do you like living here?

- Great, nice neighborhood
and close to my work.

And all the shops and restaurants

and what you charge me
for rent is a bargain.

- Good, have you eaten yet?

Try this.

- It's really good.

- Thank you.

I'll fix you a plate.

- Why is the rent so low?

- Honestly, I can't keep tenants.

People hate me because
my blogs offend them.

My last tenet moved out without notice

because he hated my views.

The tenet before that was
receiving death threats

because he lived here and,

let's not talk about the
tenant before that one,

poor Jimmy.

- So, you're a blogger.

I like reading blogs.

Wait.

What?

- Howdy!

Man, you look like crap.

You know, I got just the thing.

Let me introduce you to Brews Brothers.

(laughing)

What are you doing?

Shhh...

- Relax.

Whoa!

- Stop, we can't do this.

- Don't you like me?

- Of course I do, but not
like this, you are my tenant.

- Let me just sit on it, you
don't have to do anything.

- Go home, you're drunk.

- I am home.
(laughing)

(screaming)

- [Zidane] Men, stop
comparing yourselves to women.

The sooner you accept that we men are held

to a higher standard than women,

the sooner you'll make
better life choices.

So what if a woman gets a
lighter jail sentence than a man

for committing the same crime?

So what if your female
coworkers demand the same amount

of money as you, who works 12 hours a day

and takes a half hour lunch break

while she works eight hours a day

and takes an hour lunch break?

Women only want equality
that benefits them.

Let them have it.

At the end of the day, it's their merit

what's going to allow
them to keep that job.

Don't want to deal with women at work?

Become a coal miner, work in a sewer.

Men, focus on yourselves
and keep it moving.

- What an asshole, you misogynist pig.

The sarcasm in this post is clear as day.

We women work hard for
the rights we have today.

So fuck you, misogynist bastard!

- Morning.
- Morning.

- How was your night?
- Fun,

thanks for inviting me out.

- I did?

- Wait, you don't remember?

- Barely, I need to go
lighter on the sauce.

Yo, I threw up in my sleep last night.

It was so nasty.

I threw up all over the place
and it really, really stank!

Eww!

- How much did you drink?

- Oh, I had the craziest dream too.

I dreamt you and I was in
my room about to get it on,

then suddenly, I was under
a waterfall of rainbows.

Crazy right?

- Yeah, never gonna happen.

- No doubt.

Next thing you know,

I start getting the
rent late or not at all.

- And another thing, you
seriously need your ass kicked.

- [Zidane] The modern feminist.

They want the powers of a man,

the privileges of a woman

and responsibilities of neither!

- [Virgil] My girlfriend spent the night

over that maricon's place again,

talking about she did it to
save money on a hotel, bullshit!

She fucked him.

I hate that motherfucker.

If I had cash, I'd fly
over to whoop his ass!

- Morning Amy.
- Hey roomie.

- Do you have any other hangover remedy?

My head is killing me.

It's in the fridge, help yourself.

Hey, watch where you're going!

Sally?

- Was that Zidane leaving the bar?

You know what? I'll take this.

I want him sober for the
pain I'm about to bring.

You better not follow or you'll be next.

- Okay, I'll wait at the bar then.

- Happy new year everyone!

It's been a crazy year.

I am proud to announce,

I am not the father!

Either is my ex's former a boyfriend

who finally came out the closet.

He is so much happier now by
doing so, best of luck to him.

Turns out my ex's baby father is a pre-op

transsexual woman named Bambi.

Bambi tricked my ex into thinking

she was a hot genetic woman

with a lifelike dildo.
(laughing)

Ironic isn't it?

More like karma.

They're going to make it work.

As for me, after all these years,

I cut that yo-yo string
and I finally moved on.

Life is good!

Signing off, Zidane
Adams, The Black Blogger.

(doorbell ringing)

(gun firing)

(groaning)

- Mom!

(smooth music)