Original subtitles

[demonic voice]: Are you pussies ready to be annihilated?

Witness the awesome power of...

[cheering]

... the Pure Evil One!

- I am Todd, the Pure Evil One.

[distorted voice]: I am your lord and master.

[cheering]

Prepare... to be conquered.

- Don't do it, Todd!

- You asshole!

[screaming]

[evil laughter]

[gasping] [panting]

[heavy metal]

[whistling]

- Hey, watch where you're going, cripshit.

- As if I haven't heard that one before.

- You heard this one before?

- Oh, yeah! [laughter]

- Fuckles...

[soft music]

- Hannah! [music abruptly stopping]

Grab your stuff. We're going on a field trip.

- Huh? Where are we going? - Some place we should've

checked out a long time ago. Where's Todd and Curtis?

- I don't know. - Come on.

- Jenny...

you have a lot of experience with guys, right?

- What do you want to know? - Okay...

have you ever liked a guy, but he likes you as a friend.

And then every time you see him, you just want to run away?

- No. But if you're talking about Todd,

I'd say keep running.

- The thing is, it's not Todd. - Todd, Todd!

Where have you been?

I've been looking everywhere for you.

We gotta go to the retirement home.

- Retirement what? [heavy metal in headphones]

- Where Atticus' father lives? You know, Satanist Senior.

- I don't have time for this right now.

- They might know something about my dad.

- Jenny, your dad has been missing for over a year.

A few more hours won't kill him.

- You asshole.

- Jenny, I'm sorry! I didn't mean it that way!

- That's really cruel. - Yeah, I know, okay?

I didn't meant to say it that way.

That's how it came out.

- Guys! You guys! I got... [panting]

- I don't have time for this right now!

I got shit to deal with!

- I've got the... [nervously screaming]

No wait, I've got the... What the hell?

Fine, I'll just...

I'll just take care of it myself.

- My life is, like, spinning out of control, Jimmy!

I keep having these dreams where I toast my friends to a crisp.

I have this... connection with this evil book.

People are saying that I'm the Pure Evil One.

Everything is totally fucked!

Ow! What the fuck?!

Why did you do that?

- Because I'm my own dude, all right?

Did I do the right thing or the wrong thing?

- The wrong thing! - Look, it doesn't matter.

- That doesn't make any sense.

- Be your own dude.

- Look, if you're not gonna help me,

I'm gonna find someone who can.

Fuck!

- Ah!

No!

Not my arm...

[sobbing]

[sparking]

Universa... mihi...

planto... mihi...

universus!

Todd... Todd!

I think I screwed up big time, dude.

- I can't solve your problems for you all the time.

Trust me, I've got my own.

And dude, my problems are real problems.

- And this isn't?

- Hey! Fighting with your girlfriend again, cripshit?

- No.

[choking] - Shit!

[growling]

[sparking]

[moaning]

[heavy metal music]

- So you want us to tell you what to do.

- I'm that desperate, yes.

- Oh, we will tell you exactly what to do.

- You're not gonna tell me to be my own dude, are you?

- Bring the pain!

- What... What are you doing?

- Your destiny lies with a mighty battle, Todd!

You must be ready for it.

- Ow! Ow! Stop!

- Why do your grades suck, loser?

- Because I have trouble paying attention in class!

- Because you have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder!

- ADHD can be a powerful tool,

little dude! If you learn how to use it.

- Embrace your inner loser,

loser.

- Don't think about the rocks! - Think about nothingness!

[panting]

[screaming]

[grunting]

Oh! Dude...

[heavy metal music]

[grunting]

[screaming]

He's doing it!

[laughing]

He's now ready for the power of steel.

Make haste to shop class.

- What, shop class?

- Atticus... numerous times,

you promised to deliver the book and you failed.

And now those teenagers

have kicked you out of their little gang.

I have to ask myself of what use are you to me.

- I pick up your prescriptions.

And, um...

I renewed your passport that one time.

And... I am your son-- - Silence!

You have failed the society as a minion

and you have failed me as a son.

You are banished. [evil laughter]

- Banished?

From the retirement home?

Oh! What will I do?!

No more changing your goddamn colostomy bag!

No more scraping

flakes of psoriasis off my goddamn lips

from making me suck on your bony fingers!

No more running around after you and your stupid fucking book!

[inhaling] Maybe... maybe I'm gonna...

find this book for myself and I'm gonna ask for a new dad,

a better dad, a kinder dad, a dad who respects me and...

and supports me and thinks I'm swell!

A dad who tells me... who tells me that he loves me,

because you never did.

I... I hate you, Dad!

I hate you!

- How many of you here are Pisces?

All right. Statistically speaking,

50% of you are gonna be pregnant by the end of the school year.

On the other hand, the rest of you are gonna

hit it big on the stock market. So, that's good, right?

- Um... Mr. Gunderson... - Yes?

- You do know that astrology and astronomy

are two different things, right?

- Firstly, how very Capricorn of you to ask that.

Secondly, astronomy is bat shit boring.

So I'm gonna do some tarot cards now.

[sighing] All right...

- Hannah...

I've got something really important to tell you.

- Curtis...

I have something really important to tell you too--

- Yeah... - Curtis, what are you doing?

- What do you mean? - Oh, my God!

- I used the Book of Pure Evil to make a new arm!

No one's gonna pick on me anymore.

And they're gonna have to start taking me seriously.

- Curtis...

- Oh! That's just the side effects.

I can live with that.

- We'll get you to the science lab, we'll run a few tests.

We'll figure out how to reverse it, okay?

- No!

I'm not a guinea pig, Hannah.

You care more about tests and science

than you do about me.

- The book doesn't care about you either, Curtis!

This isn't you.

- Hey, Hannah, wait! - Don't touch me with that!

- Wait! [chair falling]

- Well, none of the other teachers will listen to me,

but every time those two run out of the room,

it's bad news.

So I'm gonna go lock myself in the teacher's lounge

and I will see... some of you tomorrow.

- Hannah, wait! Hannah?

[distant coughing]

- That's it, little dude.

Did you know that Crowley High

is the only school in this district

with its own forge?

- Wouldn't this be easier if you guys just came inside?

- Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

- This place looks like it doesn't get used much.

- It's been closed off ever since... the accident.

- The accident?

[ominous music]

- What's going on?

- Oh! Hi!

Remember me? I used to be part of your gang...

until you kicked me out.

- 'Cause you're a Satanist.

- That's just racist.

I want the book.

Tell me where it is and... maybe I won't kill you.

- I'd rather die than give you the book.

And if you think I'm gonna betray my friends,

then you just don't know Curtis Weaver very well.

I didn't learn much from my father, but what I did learn

was this: when your back's against the wall,

you push back into their faces, you pull their teeth out,

you put it where their eyes are.

You take their ears and you box them.

I didn't know what that meant when he said it,

but I thought it was cool.

You take them to the bank and then you take them

to the cleaner with the money that you took

from the bank. That's where I'm taking you!

No one will know where you are, 'cause I won't tell them!

And you won't leave a forwarding address

or anything like-- - Boring!

Keep your eye on the pendant.

Let your conscious mind go.

Don't fight it...

I can't believe that actually worked.

[PA]: Bingo will commence in the main hall

in five minutes! Don't forget to bring your dabbers!

- Hurry up, you fool! [door creaking]

My dabber! Where's my luck red dabber?!

- Well, where did you put it last, Your Evilness?

[Jenny]: Shit... - I can't remember!

- G... 49!

G... 49!

B-3. - Daddy?

- B... 3.

N... 36. [moaning]

- Daddy... - N-36.

- Tell your old friend Atticus where is the book.

- You're not my friend.

Todd is my friend.

- Enough about Todd.

Tell me where the book is

or I will cut off that new arm and turn you back

into the pathetic cripple you've always been.

- What happened to my old arm?

- I've been here before...

- It was a few years ago.

Me and Todd had just gotten into heavy metal and shop class.

I wanted to make a cool candlestick using the lathe.

- Hey, Curtis...

- What are you talking about? I want the book.

- You want to smoke a J before class?

[Curtis]: I had never smoked a J before.

[Atticus]: Okay, what are you talking about?

[Curtis]: When I put

that sweet herb to my lips and breathed deep...

[Atticus]: What does this have to do with the book?

[Curtis]: I knew I'd never be the same again.

[Atticus]: Where is the book?! The book!

[screaming]

- How did I forget that?

- Wow. Talk about repressed memories.

[growling] [whimpering]

[screaming]

Actually, let's not.

So... your best friend cut off your arm.

Maybe Todd is the Pure Evil One.

- Todd... pure evil.

- Okay, shut the fuck up about Todd.

Okay? All I want to know is

where is...

- Evil...

Todd... Pure...

- You shouldn't have kicked me out of the gang.

Todd!

I'm coming to get you,

you ass...hole!!!

- This is it, little dude. Time to face your destiny.

- Will you stop with this destiny bullshit?

I'm not the Pure Evil One.

- You're the one who released the book.

- The book is your destiny.

Loser.

- Your destiny and the book are one.

[all]: Destiny!

- Fuck.

- I'm gonna get you out of here, okay, Dad?

- Why the rush, sweetie?

- This is my dad and he's been kidnapped by Satanists

that are living in this retirement home.

- Really? - Yes, really!

We have to call the police!

- Oh, I don't think you'll be doing that, young lady.

- That's him, okay! That's him! That's the Satanist!

- We're all Satanists, sweetie.

[all]: Hail Satan!

[evil laughter]

[Jenny screaming]

[heavy metal] - It's on, bro!

- I've got something to tell you, Todd!

[people screaming]

- Demon arm! Nar nar, bro! - You're pissed

because I cut your arm off,

but dude, that was totally an accident.

- You've got an excuse for everything!

- That weed was super potent. It's not my fault.

- It's not my fault? It's not my fault

you're a cripple, Curtis?

[buzzing]

I've always been there for you, Todd.

I helped you fight the Book of Pure Evil.

Even when you were possessed

and tried to kill me.

- That wasn't my... Okay, yeah, that was my bad.

[screaming]

- Yeah! - Get him!

- I stopped

the phantom of Crowley High

from blowing up the school! It was me!

And you didn't even notice!

- You did what? - I gave up the only girl

who ever loved me to save your life, Todd.

- You're wrong, Curtis!

I love you.

[sighing] [thud]

Sorry I was scared to say it before,

but I'm not sorry I'm saying it now.

[romantic music]

♪ I...

♪ Fell in love

♪ Simply

♪ Because

♪ Of you

♪ You

♪ Cast your spell on me

♪ Now I'm yours

♪ Our hearts

♪ Will always be one

♪ One ♪

- Todd! No!

[screaming]

- Let it go!

Become one! Become your destiny!

- Come on! Do it!

What are you waiting for?

- Hey, fuck piece, be your own dude.

- What are you doing, dude?

- Stop telling me what to do.

[whistling]

- Suck it!

[heavy metal]

[phone ringing]

- Hey, this is Jenny. I'm busy. Leave a message.

- Jenny's still not picking up her phone.

I have a really bad feeling about this.

Jenny's missing, the Book of Pure Evil's still out there,

our guidance counsellor's a Satanist...

- And my best friend might destroy the world.

[dramatic music]

- Destiny sucks. [heavy metal music]

[off-key organ playing]

- Atticus, you have no place here.

Be gone.

- I'm here...

to give you your belated Father's Day present, Dad.

[sparking]

- The book... At last...

You're not as big a screw up as I thought you were, Atticus.

- Oh... this isn't your present.

This is, Daddy!

What are you waiting for?

Kiss the hand.

Gee... I wonder what happens next.