Original subtitles

- Okay, chess fans.

Wow, it's the moment we've all been waiting for.

Let's hear it for our finalists in this year's

Crowley High Chess championship: Len Bergman

and Hannah B. Williams. - I want you to murderize him.

Take him apart. Humiliate his king,

gang-pawn his queen in front of him.

[loud moaning]

Uh... good luck, Hannah. [clock ticking]

- You know what's one thing I hate worse than chess?

- Watching chess. You've said that like four times already.

- What an amazing morning of chess it has been.

We've already seen one Siberian Trap attack

and two, oh... ah...

Count them, two poison pawn victories.

We just gotta get through this game.

- I'm telling you guys, Atticus is a Satanist.

We have to watch out for him.

- As if a Satanist would know that much about chess.

- As if a Satanist would be caught dead

in that sweater vest. [Todd laughing awkwardly]

Look, I've been digging around in the library.

And I think I found a clue.

- Checkmate. [cheering]

- Well, that's gotta be

a new speed record. - What?!

- Len Bergman has annihilated Hannah B. Williams.

This must be the worst day of her life.

- Len Bergman has the book.

[heavy metal]

- Yearbook time, awesome! But I wanna write,

"Have a good summer." - This isn't just a yearbook,

it's a clue. Look,

this has been Crowley High's logo since 1965,

but this is a yearbook

from 1964, the year before.

Not only was this the school's original logo,

it was the symbol for the whole town.

- Point being? - It's an occult symbol.

It must have something to do with the book and why it's here

in Crowley Heights! - I was right!

Atticus and those old geezers

at the retirement home are Satanists.

I saw it with my own two eyes.

- Your own two baked eyes?

How many hash brownies did you ingest, Curtis?

- Four.

And then four, so eight. - Yeah!

- Who cares about Satanists?!

Len Bergman has the book!

He wouldn't have won if he didn't have the book.

No chance.

- So you're saying he used the Book of Pure Evil,

a source of nearly limitless power,

to become really good at a lame game.

- Yes.

- Okay, chess, Satanists, yearbooks.

You guys handle this one.

I'm on sabbatical.

You just learned that word today, didn't you.

- Yes, I did, because I was on sabbatical

in the library this morning because I've been on sabbatical

for my last four English classes,

so my English paper was on sabbatical

for my teacher's desk and...

Sabbatical.

- The words coming from my mouth,

they will promise eternal happiness.

Gather around, my fellow truth seekers.

Gather around...!

My children,

I have been given

the gift of foresight and therefore have become

a great chess champion.

Yet an even greater prophet.

And I am here to tell you about the Pure Evil One.

The Pure Evil One has come to destroy our world.

We will all be enslaved by his evil unless...

[evil laughter]

He is here, the Pure Evil One.

- I'm... the what... with the what?

- The Pure Evil One!

You cannot hide from the truth, Todd Smith.

[banging on the door]

- Hey, fuck piece.

You want to tell me what's going on with you, boy?

- You wouldn't understand.

- You'd be surprised.

- Okay. That douchewad

of a chess champion is telling everyone

that I'm the Pure Evil One.

- Are you the Pure Evil One?

- I...

Man, I don't know. I don't even know what that is.

- Look, it doesn't matter. Either you are or you aren't.

- Yeah, but what do you think?

- You're asking a guy who's been cleaning toilets for 16 years,

and who's standing here in his manties.

It's up to you.

- Why do I gotta figure out everything for myself?

I don't even know why I come in here anymore.

- You don't mean that. [door slamming shut]

- I really think we need to check out the retirement home.

Those old geezers could be planning world domination

as we speak. - Okay, it's not that

I don't believe you, it's just that

the statistical probability that a bunch of Satanists

have taken over a retirement home is slim at best.

- So you don't believe me.

- I believe you, science doesn't.

- Fine. Let's find Len Bergman.

- Found him.

- You're awesome.

- Right...

- Is everything okay between you and me?

- Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't it be?

Let's just go in. - You've just been acting

a little weird around me. - Let's... just go in.

- I'm just worried that I said something

or done something or...

- I'm going in.

- I guess she's going in.

- And that's why this book will bring us all eternal light.

Have you come to hear the truth?

- Sure... - What's going on, Len?

- We are going to destroy the Pure Evil One.

- Cool. That sounds like fun. We should get Todd.

This will be right up his alley.

- Are you guys okay?

- Yeah, you know your eyes are real creepy, right?

- We know you've got the book, Len.

- Of course I have the book.

It's shown me the light.

Do you want to hear the truth?

- Okay. - I guess.

- The book is the light.

The light has a voice.

And the voice is the truth.

- Whosa? Whatsa?

- The book is the light.

The light has a voice.

The voice is the truth.

- The book is the light, is the light, is the what?

- The book is the light. [all]: Light.

- The light has a voice.

[all]: Voice. - The voice is the truth.

[all]: Truth.

- The book is the light. [all]: Light.

- The light has a voice. [all]: Voice.

- The voice is the truth.

[all]: Truth. [together]: Truth.

- Excellent.

Now we have to destroy the Evil One.

We have to kill Todd Smith.

- Okay.

- Hey.

- Hey, Todd Smith. - Hey.

- We're your friends.

- I know.

- Your friends are wondering if you'd like

to meet them somewhere later for a lot of fun.

- What's wrong with you guys?

- If you ask that, we're supposed to say,

"We're so wasted." - We're so wasted.

- Right. Why do your eyes look so weird?

- If you ask that, we're supposed to say,

"We've got migraines." - We've got migraines.

We're so wasted.

- Len Bergman did this, didn't he.

- If you ask that, we're supposed to say,

"Do you mean Len Bergman from the chess club?"

And when you say yes, we're supposed to say,

"You haven't seen me all day." Then Len said, "No,

"don't say you haven't seen me all day, say you haven't seen

Len Bergman all day." - We're so wasted.

- Tell Len Bergman that I'm on sabbatical,

so I won't be going anywhere near him.

- What do you mean he's on sabbatical?!

Didn't you use the frying pan?

- You said to hit Todd Smith with the frying pan

if he resisted, but he did not resist. He is on sabbatical.

- We're so wasted.

- All right...

Let's try a different approach.

[gasping] - Jeez, guys!

You scared me!

What's with the frying...

pan...

- Jenny? Jenny?

Okay, so you're not here. Um, so if you get this, be careful.

Hannah and Curtis have been brainwashed

and they have a frying pan. [beeping]

[phone vibrating]

[sighing] [phone vibrating]

- Yo, don't you have some unfinished business with Len,

little dude? - I'm on sabbatical.

- You can't take a sabbatical from your destiny!

Loser!

- Just because Len says that I'm the Pure Evil One

doesn't mean it's true. All I have to do is stay out

of his way and he'll realize he's wrong.

- Isn't he turning your friends against you?

- And didn't he kidnap your loser girlfriend?

- Len has Jenny? - Yeah.

Imagine what dastardly deeds

he's doing to her right now.

And yo, he's got the balls to call you the Pure Evil One?

Damn! - You should go in there

and show him who's not the Pure Evil One.

- Damn straight.

- Too easy, bros! [laughter]

That was sweet!

♪ In the dead of night

♪ Hear my angel call

♪ Darkness come alive

♪ Sing to sleep my soul ♪

- Jenny?

- It's a trap, Todd!

- I know it's a trap, Jenny. Are you okay?

[muffled voice]

Len?

I've got a shotgun! A really big one!

I know you're controlling my friends somehow,

so you might as well come out. - It's not a trap, Todd.

Put down the really big shotgun.

- Curtis, I know Len's telling you what to say.

- We're so wasted. - I know, Hannah.

- Come further into the room, Todd.

- Further into the trap, you mean.

- There's cake! Ow, she bit me!

- There's no cake, Todd! - Shut up!

Jenny wants all the cake for herself.

It is her favourite kind. - Really, Len?

What's my favourite kind of cake?

- What kind of cake does he like?

Hey Todd, we found something further in the chessnasium.

Past the cake.

- Now! [grunting]

- Nice trap, chess nerd.

- That wasn't the trap.

[clicking]

You are pure evil, Todd Smith.

- Looks like you're the Evil One from where I'm standing.

- Evil is your destiny.

You will bring evil to this world

whether you like to or not.

Curtis, kill her.

- Yes, kill me, Curtis.

- No, you idiot. He means me.

- Curtis, don't do it!

- Surrender or your girlfriend's gonna get her throat sliced.

- We're just friends. Just friends.

- No.

- Perfect.

Now we're going to teach the Pure Evil One a lesson.

I'm not the Pure Evil One.

Hannah, Curtis, you guys know I'm not the Pure Evil One.

Right?

- I've seen your future.

- And I'm evil? In the future?

- You are the future, and it's awful.

Tie him up!

- Hey! You said you'd let her go!

- No, I said she wouldn't get her throat sliced.

Checkmate.

[grunting]

The voice is the truth. [all]: Truth.

- The book is the light. [all]: Light.

- The light has a voice. [all]: Voice.

- The voice is the truth. [all]: Truth.

- The book is the light.

[all]: Light. - The light has a voice.

[all]: Voice. - The voice is the truth!

[all]: Truth!

- I have seen the future.

Behold,

the future of the Pure Evil One.

[evil laughter]

- Don't believe him, Todd!

It's just some sort of mind trick!

[evil laughter]

- What if he's right, Jenny?

- Then I'm going to save the world.

I guess this is checkmate.

- You already used that one, asshole.

- How about this?

Die, Todd Smith!

[grunting]

[moaning]

- Checkmate.

I thought that I'd get a bigger response.

- Len Bergman has the book!

- No shit.

- Not anymore you don't.

Okay, move it, people.

Do you want a piece of this?!

Huh?! You want some of this?!

- What happened?

- The usual. You and Hannah were hypnotized,

then you tried to kill me, then you tried to kill Jenny,

and then Len Bergman showed us a vision of the future

where I destroy everything.

- That last part's new.

- I've got the book. [screaming]

- I will make you mine!

The book is the light.

The light has a voice. [heavy metal]

And that voice is the truth! Ah!

The book is the light.

The light has a voice.

The voice is the truth!

- Go fuck yourself!

- Can't... in your mind...

Too much... chaos!

- That's right, chesswad.

I can't hold a single thought for more than one second.

[screaming]

That's right! Fly away,

you chicken shit book!

- Did I save the school?

- I'm starting to think that the school can't be saved.

[panting]

[scoffing]

- Wow, that... Len, he's a total nutjob, right?

- Yeah, nutjob.

- I mean...

all that stuff about pure evil...

total bullshit, right?

- Yeah, total bullshit.

- Oh, movie night. What are we watching?

- Jenny found this film in a time capsule.

- Right before we knocked her unconscious. Sorry about that.

It won't happen again, I hope.

- It's okay. I think we're ready. Lights.

- Hey...

thanks for saving the day, Mr. Murphy.

- Ah, you would've done the same for me, right?

- Maybe I was wrong about you. - How so?

- I thought you were a Satanist.

[laughter]

[lively music]

- Hello. I am Atticus Murphy Senior.

And if you love Satan like I love Satan,

then Crowley Heights is the place for you.

Fifty years ago, Crowley Heights was founded by Satanists

fleeing persecution

for their misunderstood beliefs.

Today, it's a thriving community.

The perfect place to raise a family,

start a new business or carry out

the dark Lord's darkest desires

without fear of humiliation or recrimination.

It's also currently home of the Book of Pure Evil.

And everyone knows where the Book of Pure Evil goes,

the Pure Evil One can't be far behind.

The new millennium of evil will soon be upon us.

Don't you want your children to be part of it?

[baby crying]

I know I do.

Hail Satan!

[all]: Hail Satan!

- Well... fuck me.

- That was your father! - That baby was you!

- That baby looks nothing like me.

Okay, he is my father.

And yes, he is a Satanist,

but I haven't seen that man in years.

- I saw you with him at the retirement home.

- I dropped by to say hello. He's a very lonely man,

all alone. - He was surrounded

by other Satanists.

And he said to destroy us if we got in your way.

- Yeah, but you didn't hear the rest of the conversation.

Okay? Where I said,

"Now I'm a gang member and being a gang member

is more important to me than being a Satanist."

- My trust in authority has been shattered.

- For the record, I never trusted you, Atticus.

I bet you're the reason for my father's disappearance!

- Kids! It's me!

Atticus! Sure, I may have deceived you...

uh... spied on you

and perhaps turned the other way

when you were in mortal danger, but!

I'm a gang member!

- Not anymore.

- What if I am pure evil?

- Then I'll be the pure evil guy's best friend.

- And that doesn't bother you? - Todd...

this year has been awesome. We've been kicking major ass,

we're hanging out with two chicks

we never would've met if it wasn't for the book.

And yeah, we've lost some battles and sure,

it's been scary at times,

but dude, I wouldn't change a second of it.

- You don't get it, Curtis.

If I'm the Pure Evil One,

I'm gonna destroy the world.

I'm responsible.

Not you, me.

- Just because Len says you are

doesn't mean you are, dude.

- Doesn't mean I'm not.

- Todd?

- Can't hear you, I've got my headphones on.

- It's time.