Original subtitles

- Kids, settle down. I have an announcement to make.

[chatter]

Shut up! Shut up!

I have a very... sad announcement to make.

The school drama club's

annual theatre performance is upon us

and the school board has requested

an upbeat musical.

- No!

- My sentiments exactly.

I have been ordered to direct,

so I have begrudgingly accepted. Auditions will be posted

on the bulletin board. That is all!

- Auditions, huh?

Competitiveness, narcissism,

the fear of humiliation and rejection.

Perfect breeding ground for the book.

I better crash the auditions, just in case the book shows up.

- That's exactly what I was thinking!

Boy are we in sync today or what?

[snoring]

- Curtis! - Corn chips!

Sorry.

- Mr. Murphy... - Yeah?

- As the star of the drama club,

I feel it is my duty to dissuade you from doing a musical.

They're so proletarian.

- I totally agree. Art is for the simple-minded.

But the school board has spoken, Charlotte.

And unfortunately, we must all comply.

Are you coming up here?

- How about... a Greek tragedy,

or an existential drama? The kind of theatre

that will allow students to questions their environment,

and penetrate the deep layers of their conflicted souls.

- The only thing theses students are interested in penetrating

is each other.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go back to my office

and rage, ineffectually.

[off-key singing]

[hitting another key] [off-key signing]

[sparking]

[sparking]

[female opera voice singing]

[heavy metal]

♪ Here I stand

♪ Silently weeping

♪ Forever alone

♪ In the suicide rain ♪

That was won... derful.

[giggling]

- I didn't know you could sing.

- There's a lot you don't know about me, Jenny.

- Okay, who is next? - I am, Mr. Murphy.

And I will be singing The Battle of Babylon,

by Vagina Conqueror. - Oh, yes,

a classic.

[heavy metal music]

♪ Hell hath no fury like a prisoner unchained ♪

♪ The battle of Babylon shouts out my name ♪

♪ To fight

♪ In the battle of Babylon

♪ The battle of Babylon ♪

[music stopping]

- So this is what passes for talent these days.

Okay, I think I've seen enough.

You get the male lead, Todd. - What?!

- Awesome!

So, what musical are we doing?

- No idea.

The female lead will be played

by Je... [Italian opera singing]

[singing]

I'm not convinced. - Hmm!

[high-pitched singing]

- Okay, I'm convinced. You got the lead.

- What the hell, man! You were about to pick me!

- You can stop singing now, Charlotte.

[high-pitched singing] Stop... singing...

[shaking]

♪ The music's inside me ♪

Holy Jupiter shit!

What happened to your tongue?!

[muffled screaming]

- Where did you learn how to do that?

- My parents locked me out of the house... a lot.

- I don't think we should do this, Curtis.

- Just think of it as investigating.

I know Mr. Murphy may have weaseled his way onto the team,

but I have seen his true face, Hannah,

and it's the face of a Satanist worshipper.

- He worships Satanists?

- Look, when I saw him at the retirement home,

he was talking to an old man

in a hooded robe.

A hooded robe! Don't you watch horror movies?

Okay, prepare to have your mind totally blown.

Check... - Wow!

Look at all those sweater vests.

I wonder which one is his Satanist sweater vest.

[door knob turning]

Oh!

- I have an idea. Kiss me.

- Gross!

- Oh. Hi, kids.

Please continue.

- We really dodged a bullet there.

[nervously whimpering] Where are you...

Was it something I said?

- So, Atticus, our sources tell us that finding the book

is no longer your number one priority.

- Oh, you heard about the musical.

You people seem to forget that I'm actually

an employee at this place. - The drama club must be

the least of the school's priorities,

especially if they've put a no-talent fool in charge.

[laughter] - Well...

I guess that's all the reason I need to prove you wrong.

Father...

I'm gonna direct

the greatest musical Crowley High has ever seen.

And then we'll see who the no-talent fool is.

- It'll still be you.

- I said we'll see!

I'll leave your tickets at will call.

[school bell ringing]

Last night, I browsed the entire cannon

of 20th century musical theatre

and they all sucked!

So I present to you

the greatest musical ever written.

And I wrote it.

- The Bowels of Hell?

It's two pages and one's a title page.

- And there are no songs.

- We'll flush it out in rehearsal. The Bowels of Hell

is the story of a young boy

who must give up the girl of his dreams

because of his father's strict religion.

- Ah! It should be a heavy metal musical!

- What is the appeal

of this metal music?

- The appeal is mostly that parents hate it.

- A metal musical it is, then.

Okay, due to Charlotte's tragic accident,

and mysterious disappearance, dum, dum, dum...

the female lead will be played by my favourite girl...

Jenny. Take a bow, Jenny.

- Thank you!

- Holy... Jupiter shit.

Now I don't have to tell her I was cutting her part.

- Fuck!

[exhaling]

[screaming] - Hey!

Hey!

You dropped your... your tongue.

Hey... don't be afraid.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

[sobbing] Are you having a bad day?

You wanna talk about it?

Don't cry, it's okay.

Look. See, I'm a freak too, just like you.

[Curtis singing] ♪ I'm freaking out

♪ It's no big deal ♪ [Charlotte laughing]

What are you laughing at? [screaming]

[soft music]

♪ Freak love

♪ I've got myself some freak love ♪

♪ And boy does it feel good

♪ I've got permanent wood

♪ Freak love for two freaks in love ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ I have a plastic arm

♪ She's got a severed tongue

♪ The world can mock our love

♪ But it don't bother us none

♪ My days of masturbation are a thing of the past ♪

♪ I only pray she'll let me fondle her ample fun bags ♪

♪ Why can't I stop thinking of that kiss ♪

♪ It's driving me mad

♪ Why do I dream of him

♪ Fondling fondling

♪ My ample fun bags

♪ Ample fun bags

♪ Ample fun bags

♪ Ample fun bags

[music continues]

♪ It's so easy to love her

♪ I don't even have to try

♪ She's so warm and she's so sweet ♪

♪ She wouldn't hurt a fly

♪ She's my muse she's my mate ♪

♪ She's my very best friend

Sorry, Todd, but it's true.

♪ I'm gonna love my freak love

♪ I'm gonna love my freak love

♪ Till the very

♪ Till the very freaky end ♪

- Art is pain.

I know there's been some grumbling

about this production's rather alarming mortality rate,

but remember: there can be no art without the risk

of mutilation or death.

- Screw this. I'm not gonna be art's next target.

- Where are you going, Jenny?

Time for you and Todd to rehearse your love scene.

[groaning]

- Jenny, clearly, the book is at work here.

All these deaths, they can't be a coincidence.

We've gotta stay.

[sighing] - I hate it when you're right.

- Let's rehearse.

- These lips are off-limits till opening night.

And no tongue!

[Charlotte mumbling]

- Curtis, we need to talk about your friend Charlotte.

- Do you mean my...

girlfriend?

- Right. Your girlfriend.

- Here's the best part.

I'm her boyfriend. Everything's coming up Curtis!

- Okay, don't get too excited.

I did some investigating and before the auditions,

she couldn't sing a single note.

Then, all of a sudden, she has the voice of an angel,

then she loses her tongue,

then the mysterious deaths begin.

- I'm not sure where you're going with this one, Hannah.

- Charlotte has the book!

- Oh! I see what's going on, here.

- You do? - Yeah.

I finally meet someone who likes me for who I am

and your first reaction is to assume she's evil?

I expected this from Todd and Jenny,

but not from you, Hannah. I thought you'd be happy for me!

- How could I happy for you?

You're dating the phantom of Crowley High!

- Charlotte's not a phantom, she's my soul mate.

And if society can't accept our love,

then I reject society!

- Oh, Mary Jane, when I'm with you,

I feel so many...

wonderful things! - As do I, Jeremy!

I've never felt this way about a boy before!

- Then kiss me, Mary Jane! [Jenny whispering]: No!

[grunting]

[heavy metal music]

♪ What is this girl doing in your room ♪

♪ Didn't I say she's not the one for you ♪

♪ She's not a member

♪ Of our religion

♪ She is a whore and perhaps a heathen ♪

♪ I can't let you do it I won't let you do it no no no ♪

♪ Father why do you cause me so much pain ♪

♪ Let me go steady with my Mary Jane ♪

♪ For I love he and he loves me ♪

♪ All love should be

♪ Religion-free

♪ We can't let you do it we won't let you do it ♪

♪ No no no - I gotta pee.

♪ Take her away

♪ Sentence her to death

Sorry, sorry... ♪ No son of mine

♪ Your daddy knows best

[whipping]

Hey, Jimmy. Why the long face?

- Dude, someone stole my dynamite collection.

- Oh, that sucks, man.

'Cause I know you had, like, some really rare dynamite.

- What could anyone possibly want with that much dynamite?

[mumbling]

Unless they plan on blowing up something big,

like the school.

Nah, no one's that insane.

[heavy metal music] ♪ Yeah

♪ I stand before you

♪ A proud and happy dad

♪ For today my boy becomes

♪ A man

♪ I'm so depressed

♪ I think I'm gonna puke

♪ If I'm the bride

♪ Then who's the groom

[howling]

- Holy Jupiter shit!

- Let the ancient ceremony begin!

♪ Someone save me

♪ Before this gets any worse

♪ I am angel warrior

♪ Satan's foe

♪ Slashing my way

♪ Through hell's inferno

[heavy metal music]

- Charlotte, no!

- But you're my disabled, deranged freak.

- I have no idea what you just said,

but it's curtains for you, bitch.

Sorry, can you repeat that?

Your foetus popped?

My jamming device will obstruct your frequency.

Well, you got me on that one.

No, don't!

[heavy metal music]

- Cat fight on the catwalk.

- You don't deserve Curtis! - No!

- No! - Ha!

- Charlotte, no!

I meant to use this hand.

- Curtis!

♪ Didn't get to kiss his Mary

♪ Didn't get to pop his cherry

- What poison did you use?

[Charlotte mumbling] Acokanthera?

[Charlotte mumbling]

♪ His horny needs

♪ I need to make his fountain jet ♪

♪ My lady parts are moist and wet ♪

Strophanthus?

[Charlotte mumbling]

Antiaris Toxicaria?

♪ Jeremy

[Hannah enumerating different poisons]

- Betacyanide? German herpes?

[Charlotte mumbling]

Calebas curare!

If I ever see you again,

I will kill you myself.

[gasping]

[screaming] [music stopping]

[frustrated scream]

- Why Jeremy... - Ugh!

- I see that my friend, the angel of mercy,

has fallen from heaven and revived you herself!

- Damn it!

♪ Our love is awesome

♪ The way love should be

♪ Free from pain

♪ And bestiality ♪ [howling]

[coughing]

[shy applause]

- Awesome, dudes!

- Thank you.

- Hang in there, Curtis. [Atticus]: Thank you.

Thank you all.

Thanks.

- Charlotte...?

- No, it's Hannah, Curtis.

Charlotte's gone.

- She's gone?

- Hey, Curtis. - Hey, Hannah.

Thanks for saving my life. - Anytime.

Sorry the love of your life turned out to be

a complete psycho. - Yeah... these things happen.

- Curtis, I don't know much about relationships,

but I know that the right girl is out there somewhere.

And when you find her,

she'll be the luckiest girl in the world.

- Thanks, Hannah.

[sighing]

- Ah...

♪ Our love has a special kind of mark ♪

♪ Something that comes

♪ From above and beyond

♪ Our love is awesome

♪ The way love should be

♪ Free from pain

♪ And bestiality

♪ Bestiality ♪

[Atticus]: And thank you!