Original subtitles

- Eight months ago, the Sisterhood of Fertility

made a secret pact and now, the time has come

to reveal the fruits of our labour.

It's baby bump time!

[laughter]

I can't believe we're all

gonna me mommies at the same time.

- Oh! I just felt it kick! [laughter]

- Come on Sharon, show us yours.

- No, I... I'm really bloated.

- Share with the sisterhood, Sharon.

- It's so cold and bony.

- What's wrong with your baby?

[gasping]

Is that a chicken?

- It's actually a turkey.

- You've brought shame to the sisterhood.

- But I... I tried so hard.

I did it with everybody except for that stoner

and his one-armed friend.

- What's the point

of being the school slut if you can't get knocked up?

Looks like you're barren, Sharon.

[laughter] [all]: Barren, Sharon!

♪ Barren Sharon

♪ Barren Sharon

♪ Barren Sharon

♪ Barren ♪

- Hey, you told me that sperm sample

was for a science project.

[ominous sound] [sparking]

[sparking]

- Vulgus...

gravida...

infantia...

malgum.

[moaning]

[heavy metal]

- Good morning everyone.

Welcome to family planning.

Everybody will be paired up

to become parents of their own...

[laughter] ... virtual baby.

Now I'm only handing out one baby per couple.

- Hey, Jenny,

help me out?

Be my baby momma?

- Are you kidding?

You'd make a terrible father, Todd.

What makes you say that?

- You just gave your baby a joint.

- Sadly, this may be the closest some of you ever get

to having a baby,

as the hand of fate is a cruel master.

- Sharon has the book!

- Come on, she's probably just sick.

- Oh!

[indistinct reactions]

- Okay, that was definitely book puke.

- Hey, stop her!

She's got the book!

[grunting]

- Who's an awesome guidance counsellor?

- Holy shit, Monster Fat is on the loose again!

- No, you idiot! She's pregnant.

- Oh...

- Ow...

I told you she used the book, but you all doubted me.

- To be fair, you also thought somebody used the book

to make you fail algebra. - Aright, Sharon.

We all know you used the book, so don't deny it.

- I don't deny it.

I totally used it,

and I would use it again. Jenny, it was amazing.

I wanted a baby, and it came true.

- Getting knocked up

is what you wanted more than anything in the world?

- Yeah. It's like the in-thing to do.

- Really? I thought Gordian Knot Theory was the in-thing.

- Okay, where's the book, Sharon?

[manly voice]: Oh!

- Okay, can you give us another clue?

[liquid squirting] - She's going into labour!

She's going into labour!

- Holy shit! Who's gonna deliver it?

- I have an...

placenta allergy.

- What? Like I'm the second best choice?

- You wanna be in charge, so be in charge!

- Okay, well if I'm in charge, then I order you

to do it! - Someone get it out of me!

- Okay, everyone hold her down! Todd, you...

spread her legs and hike up her skirt

- But not in a sexual way.

[heavy metal music]

- Oh!

Ah, this is the hugest vagina I've ever seen!

- More like the only vagina!

- She's got you there, dude. - Do you seen anything?

- I see blood and hair! And bloody hair!

And... it looks like the top of a mango!

It's a bloody mango! - That's the head!

- Push it back in! [all]: No, out! Pull out!

- Wait!

[beeping] Okay, go.

[screaming] [gulping]

- Oh...

[screaming]

- Dude... that was awesome!

[soft baby music]

Oh, we gotta do that again. I wasn't filming.

[retching]

Do you have another one of those inside of you?

That does big gross things? - No, no.

- Man, I can't believe Jenny doesn't think

I'd make a good father.

This totally messes with my 10-year plan.

- You have a 10-year plan?

I don't even know what I'm doing tonight.

- Well, we're going to visit Sharon

at the hospital, remember?

So we can find the book.

- Oh yeah... So what's your 10-year plan?

- Oh man... it's so awesome.

[lively music]

[honking]

- Ah! ah...

Ah! - Home sweet home.

- Oh! Ah!

- I missed you, my sexy wench.

- How was your three-year world your, my darling?

- We're number one in Mongolia.

- You always were popular with Mongoloids.

[babbling] - Hello, my newborn son.

Your dad brought you a gift.

[baby cooing]

[heavy metal music]

- Like father like son.

- I think I see a flaw with your plan, dude.

If you've been on tour for three years,

then that isn't your baby.

- What are you saying? - I'm saying that Jenny

is a two-timing slut. - Who's a two-timing slut?

- Future Jenny. Hey, Jenny.

[sighing] - Don't do anything

to freak out Sharon or the baby, okay?

- What? I'm great with babies. I'd make an awesome dad.

- Just because you delivered a baby

doesn't make you a father. In fact, it makes you a midwife.

[baby crying] - Cheer up, Todd.

Think of all the money we can make as professional midwives.

[whimpering] - Oh, hey, how's it...

- There's something wrong with that baby!

[loud shrieking]

- Shut up, shut up, shut up,

you stupid baby!

- I don't like her.

[baby crying]

- Hey, Sharon!

Can you hear me?

Hello! [loud shrieking]

- Shut up, shut up, shut up! - Sharon!

What did you do with the book?

- It's nothing like I thought it would be.

I wanted a cute baby. Instead, I got--

- I don't give a rat's ass about your miracle of motherhood.

Where's the book?

- I'm completely spent. Every last drop.

See?

- No!

- Ew!

[baby crying] [camera shutter clicking]

Okay...

the book's gotta be around here somewhere.

[loud shrieking]

Somebody shut that baby up!

[baby crying]

[loud shrieking] - Ah...

- Stupid baby!

- Okay, okay...

Okay. It's okay, little dude.

You don't need to cry.

[crying stops]

[cooing]

[laughing]

Uh...

Okay, so...

how do you like being born and stuff?

- Dada?

- No, no, I'm...

No, I'm not... I'm not your dad.

I'm just a dude who pulled you out of your mom.

- Dada!

- No, my name is Todd.

Say it. Todd.

- Tata?

No, um...

How do I explain this to a little dude?

Your dad is... a book

and he's an evil book too.

But that doesn't mean that you're evil.

Maybe it does.

- Dada! Dada!

- Holy shit!

The book is a blankie. [gasping]

- Jenny!

[crying] - No, it's okay, little dude!

You don't need to cry! It's okay!

- There it is! - With this holy water,

I shall smite thee! - I'm just trying

to separate you from your dad.

- Ah! It's wet!

- Be gone, foul demon! In the name of the Lord,

I command thee! - Not him you idiot, the baby!

Get the Devil out of the baby!

- Thou shall not harm this... - I just need the blanket!

- Jesus Christ!

[screaming]

[gasping]

- You'd make a great father, Todd.

- It wasn't my fault!

- How can that baby already be walking?

- They grow up so fast.

[distant humming]

- Dada?

- Hello? [cooing]

Is that a baby? [baby laughing]

There, there! I'm coming.

My gosh...

What a big baby. - Dada?

[screaming] [bones crushing]

[school bell ringing]

- Okay, if we were lost, scared and rapidly growing,

where would we go? Think like a baby.

- Babies can't think for themselves,

just like those bloated morons who thought it was a good idea

to get pregnant in the first place.

- I can't see myself ever getting pregnant.

- I hate babies too! - Well, that's not what I mean.

- I mean, why would you ever wanna bring a kid

into this fucked up world? - Yeah, I completely agree.

I mean, the Earth is overpopulated as it is,

scientists predict that by 2035--

- And it totally ruins your body.

Two words: cracked nipples.

- That sounds painful.

- I mean, if I wanted someone leeching off of me,

I'd get a boyfriend.

- Now that you mention it,

babies are kind of like parasites, aren't they?

Breathing your breath,

eating your food,

waiting to burst out of you

at any moment. Although I would adopt.

- No. Babies are trouble, just like the guys

that give them to you.

They're loud, they're messy

and they just wanna snack on your boobs.

Guys give you babies so they can control you.

- You're very angry. - Thank you,

but I'm just a straight shooter.

- Maybe if the right man came along...

- No. Trust me, Hannah. Guys don't care about babies.

They just care about making them.

- Man, all these chicks getting pregnant,

not one of them asked me to knock them up.

- Hey, cheer up, Todd. It's not your fault

your baby went AWOL. These things happen.

My parents have been trying to get rid of me for years.

- It's not my baby, Curtis. - You did say

it was calling you Dada in the baby room.

- It's a baby. It calls everything Dada or Mama.

Also, that baby is evil. It was spawned by the book.

- Evil or not, we gotta name it something tough.

Now, we could call it Punch, Slap, Elbow...

- Naming it Elbow doesn't make it tough.

- Jax! - No.

- You know what, Todd? Why don't you think of a name, then?

- Okay, um...

How about... Brunt?

- Yeah, we better hope it's not a fat kid.

- I like Brunt! - Well, I like Jax!

- Okay, well, we could combine the two, Jax and Brunt.

- Yeah! Jrunt!

- I was thinking more like Brax.

- Brax...

It sounds like a soldier from the future.

[together]: Wicked!

- ... dreamt I was a soldier from the future.

- I was. - Oh, yeah, you were there.

- Whoa! - Wow, what's going on?

- They're peeling Miss Lily off the floor,

or what's left of her.

- Apparently, someone spotted

a huge baby entering the school late last night.

- You think it might be Brax? - You mean the third star

in the Corin Minor Constellation?

- No, we named the baby Brax. - Typical.

You guys have all the fun like naming babies

while Hannah and I do all the serious work.

- What serious work? - Shut up.

[disgusted reactions]

- Ah, gross! - So judging by what just

happened to Miss Lily,

I'd say we're not dealing with a helpless baby.

- It may not even be a baby anymore. Who knows

how big it's grown by now.

- Dude, I just had a horrible thought.

You might have to quit school and get a job.

You know, to support little Brax.

- What the hell are you talking about, Curtis?

- The baby thinks Todd is his daddy.

[sighing] He even stops crying

when Todd's around. And you thought Todd

would make a terrible father. In your face, Jenny.

- You never mentioned any of this.

- That's 'cause it's irrelevant, Jenny. It's not my baby.

- Have you seen my baby? My baby?

- It's her baby. - Have you seen my baby?

[sighing]

Have you seen my baby? - Oh, so now

you wanna be a mom? Make up your mind, will you?

- I want my baby! Will you help me find him?

Has anyone seen my baby?

- What? No, no! I'm terrible with kids.

You said so yourself, Jenny.

- We find the baby, we find the book.

[sighing angrily] - I hate it when you're right.

Okay, Sharon.

I'll help you find your baby Brax.

- Who?

- We named your baby... Brax.

- No, his name's Agamemnon.

- God, kill me.

- What? It's a classical Greek name.

- You'll make a great mother.

- Okay, can we go now? Thank you.

[phone ringing]

- Hello? - Atticus! Why have you not yet

found the book? My patience is running out!

- It's... um... I do have a job, Your Evilness.

Like, my apologies, but...

it's hard work being a guidance counsellor.

[heavy steps]

[baby laughing]

I'll call you back. - Atticus!

[cooing]

- Dada!

[sparking]

- Sweet mother of Satan!

The book is a blankie?

[cooing] Hello...

Mister Baby.

Atticus...

who is who I am...

is here to... help you.

Sorry, Mister Baby.

[growling]

[roaring]

Smooth move, Atticus. [heavy metal music]

[roaring]

[loud shrieking]

[screaming]

- We won't lose you again, Brax! Hold on, I'm coming!

- Have you seen my baby? Are you sure?

[screaming]

♪ Everyday when the knife in my back ♪

♪ Starts to twinge and turn

♪ One foot away from you is like being closer to Heaven ♪

♪ Then again it's like being needled 24/7 ♪♪

- Oh... hi, kids.

- Are you okay, Mr. Murphy? - I'm wonderful.

Could you do me a favour? [bones crushing]

Save me from this big bad baby!

[grunting]

- Huh...

Hey there, Brax.

[cooing] It's okay.

I'm here for you.

- Dada? - Yeah!

That's right, your...

Your... dada is here.

- No! No! Damn it!

Come back here!

- The book blankie thingie!

- Dada!

- You sure have gotten...

gigantic, haven't you.

- No, Todd...! [grunting]

- Easy, easy, easy...

Yeah. That wasn't so hard.

You gotta learn to chill out.

When you're old enough,

I'm gonna introduce you to a beautiful thing called...

marijuana. [cooing]

- Wow. I wish I had a dad like Todd.

- I think like he's some sort

of baby whisperer. - See? there you go.

- More like a Book of Pure Evil whisperer.

- Baby!

Mommy's really sorry she yelled at you!

- You hear that?

It's your mommy calling.

She may not be the best mom in the entire world,

but you should give her a chance, okay?

Go on. [cooing]

Go to her.

For me.

- Bye-bye!

Ah!

[gasping] [laughing]

- Baby!

[screaming]

[heavy thud]

- Whoa!

It's okay, Brax! Everything's okay!

[cooing]

- Sure, he just squashed his mother to death, that's all.

- And Miss Lily. - It's better if we just say

he killed them with kindness. - Gimme a break!

That big bad baby is a menace to society.

- He's not bad, Jenny.

He's just misunderstood.

Like me.

[burping]

[all]: Oh...!

[laughing]

[sighing] - I'm gonna miss Brax.

- Maybe we shouldn't have given him such an evil name.

- Yeah...

- Oh, that's an interesting debate.

I mean, are we born or are we created...

- Uh... I'm pretty sure we're born, Hannah.

I watched it happen like yesterday.

- I mean... is it nature-- - Shh!

Let them have this one.

- Those paramedics sure got here fast.

- Yeah, I always see them parked up the street.

- Huh, makes sense. - Do you think it's 'cause

of all the kids who, like, die here?

- Probably.

- Do we have to wait forever?

- When he's ready, he'll come to us.

- What a loser.

- Pure evil loser.

- The book changes shape, but only sometimes.

Why is that?

- Maybe it's getting bored doing the same thing all the time.

- Does anyone have any real theories?

[sighing] [school bell ringing]

[moaning] - Oh, hey, Jenny.

So, if you ever decide that you wanna have a kid,

you know where to go, right?

- Yeah, to a sperm bank. - But... come on!

Admit it. I'm great with kids.

- Maybe, or maybe you just have a weird connection to the book.

- What are you getting at?

- I don't know, Todd. It's like...

the book treats you differently.

I mean, the big bad baby called you Dad.

Bailey's monster cock spoke to you.

The homunculus looked like you.

It's a lot of little things,

but I think they might add up to something.

Just-- - Good news, kids!

The baby's been destroyed. - What?!

- Just kidding. He's been adopted.

- By who?

- Oh, the parents prefer to remain anonymous.

All you need to know is... he's in a loving environment.

- Oh...!

[soft baby music]

[cooing]

- Oh, it's a cute son...