Original subtitles

- I really don't understand this one.

- What's not to understand? That idiot used the book.

- Well, maybe we shouldn't jump to conclusions.

- Curtis has been turned to stone

and he's holding the Book of Pure Evil.

Do you know anything about this, Todd?

- No. Why would I know anything about this?

- Ah... so Curtis used the book for some unknown reason and,

as a consequence, he's been turned to stone?

Why did he use the book? - Isn't it obvious?

He wanted to be permanently... stoned.

- That doesn't follow the paradigm of the book.

If he used the book, shouldn't there be

a negative effect on the rest of the school?

- Okay, whatever.

Let's just get him out of here before someone pisses on him.

[all]: Eww. - Okay...

before someone else pisses on him.

[sparking]

[heavy metal]

- Okay... we need to figure out how Curtis got the book.

[grunting]

Who was the last person to see him pre-statue?

- Well...

I did see Curtis earlier today when he was normal,

walkie-talkie Curtis.

- What were you guys talking about?

- Well, I'd love to tell you, but under guidance counsellor

student rules of confidentiality I can't talk about it.

But... I can show you.

- Oh... this isn't right.

These kids come to you for private guidance

and you film them? - Show me the sign in here

that says I don't videotape these sessions.

- And that makes it okay?

You can do a horrible thing

because you didn't say you wouldn't?

- It's just for my private records. Nobody sees it but me.

And the AV club, I suppose. They edit it.

- The AV club...

- I've got five cameras.

I can't edit all this footage by myself.

[beeping]

[sighing]

- Is it as tiny as this pencil eraser?

- Dude, my friend's penis is small,

but we don't need to know how small.

- Is it as small as this baby carrot?

[Atticus laughing]

- Hey, maybe I should go talk to somebody else.

- No, no, I'm here for you. - 'Cause you're here?

- No, I mean you're not alone in having a penis as small

as this staple remover?

- I told you that this isn't about me.

And for the record, my penis is the size

of like three of those staple removers.

Two and a half. Somewhere between two and a half

and three staple removers in length.

You know what? Uh... forget it.

I'm just gonna talk to Bailey myself.

- Okay.

- Okay. - Bailey, um...

I completely missed that the first time around.

He must be referring to Bailey Morris,

the school bully.

Something to do with that incident this morning

between Curtis, Bailey...

...and you.

- Sit down.

Is this about the picture that you sent me?

- Oh, that was from you? Gross. - There were pictures?

Gross pictures?

- Spill it, Todd. There might be a clue.

- Yeah... maybe.

- Hold him still, hold him still.

- What are you... No! - I have a message for him

from beyond the grave.

- This guy makes me sick.

- Listen carefully to what the spirits say.

- What?! [farting]

- I think his dead grandmother's trying to tell him something.

- My grandmother's not even dead!

- Man, I can't watch this. - I can't not watch this.

It's a kind of genius at work here.

- Yes, I can feel the message building,

coming through from the other side.

- Anybody can just fart in somebody's face.

[farting]

Why is he dressing it up like a message from beyond death?

He really goes the extra mile. - Don't do this!

[farting] No! No!

- I've got an idea. Get your cellphone out.

I want you to take a picture.

- His granny's not done talking to him yet.

- What am I taking a picture of? - You'll know when you see it.

[laughing] [whimpering]

[camera shutter clicking] [whimpering]

- You two are dead! Dead!

- What? He said we were dead,

not, "I'm gonna turn you guys into statues."

- Still motive, though.

- There is more motive.

Right, Todd? - Yeah...

I might've motivated him... a bit more.

Oh! Oh, man!

It's practically non-existent!

- Is that tiny? - Dude...

that is beyond tiny.

[beeping] - Hey... what did you do?

- I just sent that photo to everybody in school.

- You're gonna humiliate him?

- That's the plan.

Total humiliannihilation.

Which means that either Bailey will find the book,

or the book will find him.

- But don't you feel bad about using Bailey as book bait?

Maybe he's a bully because he feels inadequate.

We should be telling him it's okay to have a small penis,

not set the powers of pure evil on him.

- Dude... it is totally not okay to have a small penis.

What? I didn't make the rules.

- What did you label it? I'm not seeing it.

- Bailey Morris' small penis.

- Oh, yes...

there it is. Oh, my God!

You gotta blow it up just to see anything at all!

[laughing] - Anyway... Curtis must've tried

to get the book from Bailey

and then...I don't know,

Bailey must've somehow turned Curtis into stone.

- And where were you when all this happened?

Todd...

- So tiny... [giggling]

- Hey! [sighing]

You got stoned and forgot your whole plan, didn't you.

- Yeah... - Now your best friend

is a statue! - Yeah,

but that wasn't part of the plan.

- This is why you're not in charge.

- Hey, can we just get off me and back

onto Curtis, please? - Right. Let's just find Bailey.

[laughter] - How's it hanging, Tiny?

- Sweet pictures, Tiny, seriously.

- How's your teenie weenie peenie?

- You must need a magnifying glass to jerk off!

- Show us your baby dick!

- Baby dick! - You know...

it's not nice to bully someone even if that someone is a bully.

Bullies are people too.

We have feelings, you know?

We just express them differently.

Usually by wailing on someone.

Look...

all I ask is that you show me the respect

that I didn't show you. Okay?

[all]: Baby dick! Baby dick! Baby dick! Baby dick!

- I'll show you baby dick.

[screaming]

[screaming]

- Oh... let's change into our gym clothes.

- There's no time. Something's happening.

- Yeah, yeah, I know. That's what we normally do,

but then I get blood all over my good clothes,

and I'd rather get blood on my gym clothes.

- You're serious? - Yeah, I'm serious.

Blood washes out of cheap cotton fabric.

It doesn't wash out of lace.

- Well... these pants did cost $35.

[screaming]

- See?

There's more freedom of movement, right?

- I feel like I'm dressed for speed.

[screaming] - This way! This way!

- It's spreading.

- Move! [screaming]

- Dude...

Whoa, easy...

Tell us what you saw, man.

[whispering]: Todd, he's blind!

- Oh...

[shouting]: Sorry, dude!

- Aaron, what happened? - You wouldn't believe it.

- Oh, we'd completely believe it.

- I... heard them screaming, and then nothing.

But something rubbed past me.

I felt it. It touched me.

It rubbed itself all over me.

It was horrible. It was rubbing and touching

and rubbing and touching and...

- What the fuck?! Somebody just slapped me.

- Oh, Mr. Murphy!

- What the fuck?! [sobbing]

- Todd told me to.

- Could we stop slapping Aaron for five seconds?

- Aaron, forget them. What touched you?

- It... it felt like a giant penis.

A giant snaky penis.

But that's impossible, right?

- Dude, do you even go to this school?

[screaming]

[phone ringing]

- Hello? - Atticus!

- Oh, it's you.

- Our patience with you

is wearing thin. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've got the book.

Relax, I'll be right there.

[distant screaming]

Don't get your robe in a knot.

Oh, hi, Todd.

- Are you trying to chisel off Curtis' arm?

- Oh, it's his prosthetic arm.

Oh, my God, it's not! Oh...

I'll leave you too alone.

[screaming]

- Just keep running! - Oh, my God!

Get me outta here...

- Hey, dude. Um...

I know you can't hear me, but... I just...

I wanted to say I'm really sorry about...

Well...

Sometimes, I act before I think

and it just...

It seems to like really mess everything up.

So I'm sorry about what I said about you having a small...

You know.

But... if it makes you feel any better,

I heard some chicks really like guys with small...

[soft music]

You know, as long as you're good with your hands.

Well, hand, um...

But I mean, you've only got the one, right, so...

you're probably really, really good with it.

You know, kinda like how blind people can hear really well.

Oh, hey! We met a blind guy today

and he was cool. He wasn't creepy at all.

What...

what I guess I'm trying to say is...

It's totally okay if you have a small penis.

[distant screaming]

- Maybe we could pry the book out of Curtis' arms.

- Tried that. Didn't work.

- I think we should just wait here.

- Well, how does waiting here help anything?

- Haven't you guys noticed? Trouble always comes to us.

We waste a lot of time running around, looking for clues,

but it always ends up finding us. I'm just suggesting

that we eliminate the running around part.

- Evil does seem to find us faster than we find evil.

- So that's our plan, to wait?

[screaming]

[strange noise then screaming stops]

We all heard a scream, right? [all]: Mm-hmm.

- And we're just going to... - Ah... wait for it...

[screaming]

[knocking] - Hey, Todd!

Are you in there, you little shit?

Do you know what you've done? Hey, Carl,

give me a hand! It won't bite, I promise!

- I guess I gotta go fight Bailey's evil wang now.

- How are you gonna do that without getting turned to stone?

- I have an idea,

but, I mean... it might sound... - Crazy?

What? Every time she says she has an idea,

she says it's gonna sound crazy.

- There.

I've rigged up a set of heat-vision goggles

to enable Todd to navigate through the halls

without being turned to stone.

The cape was his idea. - Awesome!

Do I look like a superhero?

- You look like a pervert.

- Ah! Super Pervert!

[combat noises] - Anyone see Mr. Murphy?

- He said he was following a lead.

- Well, we can't keep waiting for him.

So... Todd! [combat noises]

- Ah-ha!

- Is this thing working?

- Yeah, I think I'm getting the hang of it.

It glows glowier

whenever there's more heat. - Back off!

- Here, take this paper cutter.

You're gonna need it

for the, um...

- Cool. So... - Whoa, whoa!

- What am I supposed to do with this?

- I think it's pretty obvious...

Don't tell me you haven't figured that out.

You have to cut off Bailey's penis?

- What?

Well, I thought I was gonna...

talk some sense into it.

- When was the last time you talked some sense

into your own... penis?

- That's... a good point.

[grunting]

- What the hell is happening?! - Don't look back, dude!

- This way, this way! Come on!

- Uh... [stone shattering]

Sorry, dude.

- Todd?

[grunting]

Todd?

- Dude...

you're huge.

- Look, I didn't want it to be this huge, okay?

Look at it. It could split open a humpback whale.

- You realize what I gotta do, right?

- What, talk some sense into it?

Tried that.

Does not work.

- It never does. I gotta cut it off.

- Huh? - Oh, Jesus, no.

Please not that, okay?

Look, I swear to you I will keep this in my pants.

- Dude, that thing can't fit in your pants.

- Then I'll buy bigger pants, okay?

I mean, I'll shop in one of those fat kids stores.

- We both know that's not gonna work, Bailey.

It controls you. It has a mind of its own.

- Hey... this thing doesn't control me, okay?

I control it.

- Allô,Todd.

- That's your dick talking to me, right?

- You and I are not so different.

- Yeah? I'm not a giant dick.

- Well, some may disagree with that,

but that's beside the point.

We are both connected to the book.

I am merely a servant,

but you, you could be its master.

[laughing]

[screaming]

Let's see how you like it.

- Bailey! Your cock is killing me!

[grunting]

[moaning]

Eww...

- Bailey is weak.

He cannot control the book's power.

But you...

Embrace the evil, Todd.

You will have power beyond your wildest dreams.

You will be the king of kings, the cock of all cocks.

Come on.

You know you want it.

- I have a hard time... believing...

a giant talking dick.

- Then... you will die.

[growling]

[screaming]

[heavy metal music]

[laughing and screaming]

- Cut it off!

- Just let me get my...

[screaming]

[grunting]

[laughing]

- Huh?

[screaming]

- It's so huge! [sneezing]

♪ No mercy for the young or old ♪

♪ Parry thrust crimson fountains ensues ♪

♪ Slaves of death will run you through ♪

[screaming]

[panting] ♪ Oh wait for the day

♪ When triumph is ours

- Mr. Murphy!

[screaming]

What's his problem?

♪ Swing your axe and your sword so true ♪

♪ Black Moor's coming after you ♪♪

Oh, man...

Little help?

[moaning]

- Man... poor Bailey.

No one deserves that kind of punishment.

[screaming] - It's pretty poetic to me.

The bully gets his terrorizing teenie weenie cut off.

I applaud how this one turned out.

- Yeah? Well... the next time some snotty cheerleader's boobs

are turning everyone into... paintings,

and we have to cut her boobs off and you guys are all like,

"Oh, it's a shame we had to cut Lucy's boobs off."

And then me and Curtis will be all,

"Yay for boob cutting."

- Yay for boob cutting. See how you like it.

- Okay...

- Dude, seriously, it's so good to have you back.

And don't worry, there's nothing to be ashamed of.

- What do you mean?

- You know...

having a small penis.

- I don't have a small penis. - It's okay, dude.

- I... - We all know.

- And knowing is half the battle.

[phone ringing]

Oh... I have to take this.

[beeping]

- Man, I can't believe I had to battle

a giant evil talking penis.

- What? It talked to you?

What did it say?

- Oh, um... you know, the usual cock talk.

Length versus girth, quality versus quantity,

how to master evil...

- What was that? - How to master... bate.

And then I killed it.

Hey Curtis, let's go smoke a J. - Cool.

[mixed chatter]