Original subtitles

- So if we can extrapolate from this map several

possible locations for the book, we could possibly set up

a series of stakeouts or observation posts.

- Ah! Cut it out!

- Sorry, Jenny, but these daily where-will-the-book-strike-next

meetings are boring.

- But check out this new game we invented.

It's called Human Ball. Ten points!

- Ugh, enough! I'm so sick of you idiots!

I'm the only one here who's taking any of this seriously!

I mean you're just here 'cause you're crushing on Todd.

You're just here 'cause you're crushing on me.

And you're just...

here.

- Whoa, like period much.

- What?! [screaming]

[crying]

Nobody understands me!

- Did somebody already do a joke

about it being her time of the month?

- Today's the anniversary of her father's disappearance.

- Oh! Has it already been a year?

[muffled screaming]

Leave it in the past, Atticus, leave it in the past...

[together]: Ten points!

- How many times do I have to tell you to stop touching me,

Brit? - Sorry, Delilah.

- And stop calling me Delilah.

It's Dee, got it?

Delilah was a supporting character

in a patriarchal Bible story demonizing femininity.

[sobbing]

[rock music]

So... tell me what he did.

- What?

- Did he give you German herpes? Guys suck.

- No.

It's not a boyfriend thing.

- Oh... daddy issues.

My favourite.

[crying]

Come on.

Let's go some place private

where you can tell Dee all about it.

[rock music]

[sparking]

[sparking]

[heavy metal]

- And all I know is that it has something to do

with this stupid Book of Pure Evil

and I'm never gonna see him again.

I'm sorry, I don't even know why I'm telling you all this.

It's... - Hey... it's okay.

Let it all out. [sniffling]

Let Dee make you forget all your worries.

- Oh...

Dee, um...

I've never been... with another...

- You never know till you try.

[rock music]

- Man, why do I always say the wrong thing to Jenny?

- Looks like someone needs some advice from Dr. Curtis Love.

- Dude, I don't need love advice from you.

- This time I'll waive my fee because we're best buds.

Now, if you're gonna get with Jenny,

you have to remember all the important dates in her life.

Her birthday, Valentine's Day, the day her dad mysteriously--

- Whoa, dude, how am I supposed to remember all that?

And besides, even if I did,

I still always say the wrong thing.

- It's not what you say.

You just have to be there for her.

You know, get in touch with your feminine side.

- Dude, I'm still trying to get in touch with my masculine side.

- Oh, Jenny... [kissing]

[moaning]

- Now that's a feminine side.

[ringing]

- Hello?

- Oh, hi, it's me, Atticus, your loyal servant of Satan.

- You have not been summoned. Why do you bother us?

- Nice to talk to you too.

Hey, do you remember that little job I did

for the society last year, kidnapping that journalist?

Whatever happened to that guy?

- It is not for you to know.

- Well, it is for me to know as his daughter

is starting to freak out about his disappearance again.

- Atticus, do not compromise

your position as a member of their gang!

If she needs a father figure, be a father to her!

Do I have to spell out everything?

[dial tone]

- Oh, and uh... before you hang up,

fuck you, you cock sucker whore porking piece of shit fucker!

[beeping] How does that spell out for you?

[screaming]

- Hey! What's the emergency?

- I know who has the book.

It's Delilah. She used the book to turn Jenny into a lesbian.

- What?!

- Curtis and I watched them make out

for over an hour.

- You douches!

[mumbling]: Show her your feminine side.

- Jenny... it's okay.

This isn't your fault. It's the book.

[sighing] And we'll cure you

before it's too late. [scoffing]

- And just so you know... your birthday is May 17th.

- No it isn't. - It's not?

- I have it on good authority that it is.

- You guys don't even care about what I'm going through!

You guys don't understand! [crying]

- That's just the book talking.

- You sure you're not just being jealous, dude?

Why would the book turn Jenny into a lesbian?

- What the hell do you know? You're the dorkwad who taught me

to get in touch with my feminine side.

- Sorry Todd, I don't think it's the book either.

Jenny's looking for an authority figure

to replace her dad without threatening his memory,

hence replacing him with an alpha-type female.

- What?

- I think Hannah's saying

that you don't stand a chance of unlesbianizing Jenny.

- No, screw you guys.

You know what? I'm gonna go get advice

from someone who knows

what the hell they're talking about.

- Todd, wait, we don't need Jenny!

- Hey, I know what you're thinking, Hannah.

Now that Jenny's a lesbian,

you can finally make a move on Todd.

- No, I wasn't... - Shh... ush...

It's gonna be okay.

Dr. Curtis Love is here to show you how.

- Look, it's like when a tiger

gets his first taste of human blood.

When a girl gets her first taste of some pussy,

there's no turning back. [toilet flushing]

Yup, there's nothing better than pussy.

[sighing] - Stupid Jenny,

thinks she's so superior just because she's a lesbo.

[moaning loudly]

Stupid sexy lesbo Jenny.

[clattering]

[screaming]

- Hi, Todd.

- Hannah, what the hell are you doing?

- Just thought I'd...

pop by

So...

this is where you escape the horrors of Crowley High.

- It's just my bedroom.

[laughing] - Todd... you're so modest.

Oh...

hey... uh...

Gunnilingus! These guys are totally wicked awesome, right?

- Hannah, are you sure you're feeling okay?

You're acting really weird.

- I have a surprise for you.

It's... a...

Pure Evil Detector.

It measures ectoplasmic paranormal activity.

I designed it just for you.

I just need to take a measurement...

of your crotch.

To make sure that the speed shorts are big enough.

Your birthday's on June 30th!

- No, it isn't.

- I have it on good authority that it is.

[TV audience cheering]

- Oh!

- It's so... brutal. - But feminine.

They've liberated violence from male oppression

and claimed it as their own.

And check out those cute outfits.

- I'm... not sure I'm ready for this.

- Really?

I guess I was wrong about you.

I didn't realize you were so conservative.

- If Delilah doesn't need me anymore, then to hell with her.

I don't need her either. - That's right.

Because now you have someone better than Delilah.

Another you.

[sparking]

- Are we still on for tonight?

- Totally.

[slapping] - Oh!

[laughing]

- What the hell are you doing? - No time to talk, Jenny.

We're on the hunt for the book which apparently

has nothing to do with lesbians.

- We're doing just fine without you, Jenny.

- Wow. - In fact, with you

out of the picture, Todd can finally focus

on paying attention to the people they care about him most.

Todd, wait for me!

- Need any advice from Dr. Curtis Love?

- Jenny... just who I was looking for.

I hear you're going through an experimental phase.

It can be a confusing time.

But as your guidance counsellor, which is what I am,

I want to assure you your feelings are normal

and perfectly natural.

That's why I bought you this lesbian basket.

Oh, youth...

I remember my first sexual experience.

[squirming]

[growling] [screaming]

Leave it in the past, Atticus.

My point is you should just dive into this whole lesbian thing

and not worry about what happened to your father.

- My father?

What do you know about what happened to my father?

- What happened to your father? I have no idea.

Maybe he ran off with a nice lesbian.

Those muffins are vegan,

just what any fatherless lesbian could wish for.

I just said father again, didn't I.

Well, I tried.

♪ The songs almost made me cry

♪ The woman next to me

- Ugh... ♪ Looks so concerned ♪

- What's wrong?

- I think I need some space, Dee.

I've got a lot to deal with.

- We can deal with it together.

- I'm sorry, I can't. - Jenny, wait!

- No, you don't understand! [crying]

- Come here, my sexy unicorn. Let me poke you with my horn.

- God, is that all you ever think about?

- Actually...

I've been thinking we should reveal our love to the school.

- I... don't think that's a good idea.

- Are you ashamed of me? - It's not you.

It's me.

- Same diff, Britney. Let me hold you.

- I thought I could love you the same way I love Delilah,

but I guess I was wrong.

You don't love me? - You've been wonderful,

but... you're just not Delilah.

You understand, don't you?

- Loud and clear.

[neck cracking]

- Hurry up, Brit! I gotta go!

[toilet flushing] - I'm not in the bathroom.

- Then who is?

- Good morning, Delilah.

- Good morning, Delilah. - Good morning, Delilah.

[screaming]

[all]: Come on and play with us, Delilah.

Forever and ever. [sparking]

[banging on door]

[all]: Let us in! Open the door, Delilah!

- Where's the book?

- Delilah must've taken it.

- Damn it!

- Nice ass, Brit.

[the other two]: Thanks.

[moaning]

- Oh, Dee...

I'm so sorry about last night.

I've just been so... confused.

- Oh, baby, I get it.

Open up your little heart to Dee.

- Dee, just kiss me.

Make me forget my troubles.

What's wrong?

- I just can't do it.

- Britney?

But... why? - We're going to use you

as bait to lure Delilah out of hiding

and give us back the book.

- You have the book?! Figures...

Who's "we"?

- Aye!

- Ugh! [together]: Ya!

[sighing] - This is what I get

for going through an experimental phase.

- Get away from her, you bitch.

- No, Dee! That book will fuck you up!

- It's too late.

[snapping]

[all]: Ugh!

[all]: Ah!

[snapping] [screaming]

- Fuck you, bitch whore!

- Wake up, Britney! - I'll fist-fuck your face!

♪ Listen to the right folks

♪ Go take a walk on the water

♪ Smoke the drugs eat her dope drink and sex we are sick ♪

♪ Pray to a god write a letter

♪ Let her lay his hands on his daughters ♪

- I want your tits on my wall!

♪ Break the fast change the past ♪

♪ Set her free mother ♪

[screaming]

- What the hell are you guys doing in here?

Do you have any idea what's been going on

in the rest of the school?

- Britney and Delilah abused the power of the book

to clone themselves? - And they're waging a gang war.

- Well, what are we waiting for? Come on, let's go!

- My Book of Pure Evil Detector isn't functioning properly.

- Why don't we just follow the sounds of the screaming?

[screaming]

- Jenny's right. Enough screwing around.

- Come on! - Hey, Jenny...

Look, I know you've been through a lot lately, you know,

what with the whole dad disappearing anniversary

and starting a gang war

between twin lesbian clones,

and I keep saying the wrong thing.

So I'm just gonna keep it simple.

[screaming]

We're here for you, and I'm here for you.

Even if you are a carpetmuncher.

- Thanks, Todd... I think.

[screaming] - So...

was that sensitive but manly enough for you

to turn back to Team Testosterone?

- You just don't give up, do you.

- Nah, not even when failure's guaranteed.

[screaming]

- He's still in love with her. What am I supposed to do?

- Move to plan B. - What's plan B?

- Hannah... plan A was on the house,

but plan B... it's gonna cost you.

[gasping] - Dee!

I'm so sorry, Dee.

I couldn't be what you needed me to be

and I feel like this is... partly my fault.

[gasping] Dee!

Oh... I'm so sorry, Dee.

[soft music]

I couldn't be what you needed me to be

and I feel like this is partly-- - Uh, Jenny...

There's more bodies over here.

- Dee... - Jenny...

- Whatever. Let's just go find the book.

- Oh, Hannah... what have you become?

[grunting]

- Dee!

Give me the book, Dee.

It's the only way to stop this madness.

- No, Delilah. Sisters gotta stick together.

- You're not my sister.

You're just some duplicate.

- How is that different from being a twin?

We still share the same DNA,

the same blood, the same family.

And how do you know you're even the first Delilah?

You could be just a clone too. - No! Dee...

I know the real you.

The real you

that I've grown fond of.

- Do you love me, Jenny?

- I... pfft... have very strong feelings for you.

- That's just not good enough.

- Oh!

[sighing]

- I think everything's going to be all right.

- We will never find the book if it flies away

every time we defeat it.

- So we need to figure out who's gonna get the book next.

- Or we choose who's gonna get the book next.

- Yeah!

- Todd...

Can I talk to you privately?

I've been doing a lot of thinking

and I realize now...

that you're not the one for me.

And I'm not the one for you.

And that's okay and... I have no choice

but to let you go.

- Huh?

- I'm breaking up with you.

- I didn't even know that we were going out.

- Okay, if denial helps you cope with the pain,

then that's okay.

Heal thyself.

- Good to have you back, Hannah.

[sighing]

Looks like my work here... is done.

Go.

- But you said you had strong feelings for me.

What's changed?

- I think that's pretty obvious, Dee.

- You're just afraid that our love will never be embraced

by a patriarchal heterosexual society.

- No, that's not it.

Wow.

- You'll always have me, Dee.