Original subtitles

- Based on the extremely scientific results

of your recent aptitude test,

it appears you are best suited to be...

... a nurse.

Next!

Nurse.

Next!

Nurse and nurse.

- Yes.

- Valuable team member.

Something...

... sciencey, I think. Am I right?

"Something...

sciencey."

Nurse. - Yes!

Nurse!

- Awesome monster slayer.

Clarence Lau.

I-I wanna assure you

that I don't believe in stereotypes,

as useful as they may be,

but I have to admit to a little puzzlement here,

because, uh, before today,

I didn't realize you could fail an aptitude test.

- Are you saying I'm... I'm stupid?

- I'm not. I'm not.

But this test is absolutely screaming it.

You're gonna have to take this test again,

because it's indicating you're about as smart

as a monkey but, sadly...

not one of the smart monkeys.

- I don't understand what you're saying.

- Of course you don't.

[distant chatter] [tapping]

[sparking]

- Stupid book.

Ah! By...

Planto mihi plur...

... rimi sapiens

dis-cipu-lus.

I wanna be smart!

Smarter than everyone else in school!

[heavy metal]

- I find that through meditation I can lower my body functions.

This way, I require less pot to survive.

- Like hibernating until the winter-of-no-pot is over.

- Yeah. Exactly.

- So you got nothing? Not even an emergency stash?

- Dude, pot in not to be stashed;

pot is to be smoked.

Only a fool saves pot

for a rainy day. For without pot,

every day...

is that rainy day.

- So nothing. Nobody has anything.

- Dude, what are we gonna do? Being stoned is the only way

I can deal with all this book craziness.

When I'm stoned, all that blood and gore and guts

doesn't seem so bloody or gory or gutty!!

- Hey, hey, hey! Get a hold of yourself, man.

This is hard on everyone.

Look, there's one last place we can look.

Okay, okay, so...

I'm only here 'cause it's like a life-or-death situation.

- Tell them it's a life-or-death situation!

- Let me guess.

The Book of Pure Evil is on the loose

and you're the only one who can stop it, right?

- And you want us to tell you what to do.

- Uh, no, not really. And the last time

I took your advice, I almost ended up killing

all my friends. - Almost.

Loser.

- What are they saying?!

- I'm on it! - Okay. All right.

- I just need to score some weed.

- Oh, we'd love to help you, little dude,

but the whole town's dry.

- How can there be no weed in this whole town?!

- Ask them how can there be no weed in the whole town!

- Well, what's that you're smoking?

- Oregano, loser.

- Well, why am I the loser if you're the one smoking oregano?

Doesn't have to smell good or taste good.

- Or look good. It just has to get us high.

- You're seriously asking Hannah to make some kinda drug for you?

- Well, there are a couple of-- - No!

No, you go down this road and that's all you'll be doing

for them. - What do you even care?!

- I just don't know why you two

wanna be stupider than you already are.

- Huh. Clearly you've never smoked pot before.

It actually focuses my mentalness.

- Yeah. - Fine. Whatever.

- "Fine. Whatever."

Anything? - No.

[laughter]

- Did you guys see any smoke just now?

- What?

- Smoke? Weird-looking smoke?

- You're weird... - ... looking smoke.

[laughter]

- What are you two on?

[laughter]

I said,

have you morons

seen...

any...

smoke?

- Well...

at least you're consistent. - I should be smarter!

I-I really wanted to be smarter.

- I wanna park in the handicapped zone,

but we don't always get what we want in life.

- The magic book told me

that I would be the smartest kid in school.

- Magic book?

What... what magic book? - The magic book

that told me that I would be the smartest kid in school!!

- Do you have this magic book?

- Of course I have it!

Take it!

I-I don't want the stupid lying book!

- I've dreamt of this moment.

[distant coughing] But with less smoke.

- Hey, Jenny. - Hey.

- Jenny. - Hey, Jenny.

- Hey. Jenny. - Hey, Jenny.

- Jenny? Hey. - Hey, Jenny.

- Hey. Uh.

- Jenny, what's wrong with you?!

- I can't find my locker.

It looks just like this one.

No.

No.

No. - She's completely...

and totally baked! - Dude, you're right.

What a hypocrite. You're a hypocrite!

- I am?

- Yeah, all that bullshit

about smoking pot making us stupid

and look at you!

- Hey...

- What?

- You're cute. - What?

- You're my cutie-wootie.

- Did she just call me cute? - Cutie-wootie.

- You are baked! - Hee...!

- You're baked.

- No, I'm not.

[girls]: "No, I'm not." - Oh--

- Dude, everybody's high except us!

- It's gotta be in here someplace.

Maybe it's in the hallway.

- Hey...

[grunting]

[rattling]

- Let's push the door.

- Okay.

I can't get in. - I can't get out.

- Dude, are we this stupid when we're stoned?

- I don't think they're stoned, Todd.

- I'm in.

- I'm out!

- You wanna make a baybay? - Yeah.

It's the book, isn't it?

She doesn't really wanna

make my baybay, does she?

Okay, what if making a baybay with Jenny

is like how we reverse whatever's going on here?

- You know you're reaching like crazy on this one, dude.

- I know. I was just hoping

one of you guys would be, like, "Yeah, that's exactly what..."

Oh, boy.

This looks bad.

- Run!

[distant laughter]

- Oh, man, I like being stoned, but if everybody's stoned

at the same time, society will fall apart.

Who's gonna make the corn chips, Todd?

Who's gonna make the corn chips?!

- Pull yourself together, dude. Okay.

That isn't pot smoke, is it? - It's definitely the book.

And I think the method of infection is obvious.

We just need to find patient zero.

- Hey, guys, wanna help me eat the happy smoke?

- Run!

[Curtis]: Ah, yeah. Ah...

- Atticus, you didn't respond to your summons!

What news do you have of the book?!

- Oh, I have the book.

It's right here, poopoo-head.

- Did you just call me a poopoo-head?

- I don't know, poopoo-head,

did I just call you a poopoo-head?

[Atticus laughing] Poopoo-head!

You... you have a head

and it's made of poopoo!

- Wait a minute.

You have the book?!

- Wouldn't you like to know?

- Bring us the book, Atticus.

- Poopoo-head, poopoo-head. - Immediately!

- Say please.

- Don't fuck around, Atticus, or I'll send someone over there

to disembowel you and take the book!

[foreign accent]: Oh, I am not Atticus.

I am the pizza man--

- Mr. Murphy! The book is making everybody

stupid or high or both or something!

[dial tone beeping]

- Oh, no, he's infected.

[Atticus laughing]

Run!

[laughing]

- Did you guys mean this book?

- We have to assume we're the only ones not infected.

It's a huge responsibility

being the only two smart people left.

It's up to us

to repopulate the school.

I suggest we get started right away.

- Um, yeah, maybe we should find patient zero and then, that way,

we can reverse whatever's going on.

- And then we could repopulate the school.

- Hey, wait, look at this. Clarence Lau.

This aptitude test is from a couple days ago,

and this one's from today. - Clarence was exactly as stupid

two days ago as he is today. No change.

- If we find Clarence, we find the book.

- Okay. But we have to take some precautions first.

[heavy metal music]

Okay, as long as we maintain pressure,

we should keep the smoke out!

- What?

- Okay, that's a design flaw.

- How are we supposed to talk with these things on?

- Mm... Do you know sign language?

- I know this.

- What was that?

- Sign language. - What does it mean?

- I thought you knew sign language.

- No. - So why'd you ask me

if I knew sign language?

We didn't get smoked already, did we?

- Not yet. Let's just go find Clarence.

Come on.

[humming]

Clarence, no!

You're raping knowledge!

- I'm not stupid! Books are stupid.

They lie to me. - Did you find a book?!

A special book?!

- Why are you guys yelling?!

Ah! - The book, Clarence, the book!

- It's a stupid liar book.

It was supposed to make me the smartest kid in school.

- We need that book to fix things!

- Wow... those outfits.

Are you from the future?

I wanna live in the future. - Hey, hey!

Don't touch that, dummy!

- Take me with you! - No!

Bad Clarence!

Todd. Todd!

- Oh, I can't do anything right.

- Todd! Say something to me!

Anything!

- It's up to you, Hannah.

But you've always been

the smartest person in the school.

- Well, the bar is awfully low.

- No... it's true.

Only you can save the school

from the invasion of the stupid snatchers.

- The invasion of the what?

- The invisible...

thingy-thang goes... - No.

- ... wickety-wackety... - No! Todd!

You're turning stupid. More stupid than usual!

I can't lose you, Todd!

[sobbing]

- Hannah!

- Yes, Todd!

- You wanna make a baybay?

[wailing]

[distant voices and laughter]

- Catch me, idiot. Catch me.

[giggling]

[distant laughter and voices]

- Holy moly.

[Hannah gasping] [laughing]

- Oh...

- Think, think.

Atticus, focus.

- Get you get this with your hand?

- Oh...?

- Uh, that one?

[laughter]

What about that one? Oh!

[laughter]

- Here! [gasping]

[screaming]

- Focus! Focus!

You have the book!

Ultimate... power is in your hands.

All you have to...

Hey, is that poutine?

- You've always been

the smartest person in the school...

- You wanna make a baybay?...

- You've always been the smartest...

- Something... sciencey.

- Only you can save the school...

- Who wants to make a baybay?

Anyone? Anyone wanna make a baybay?

- Hey, Hannah.

This day has gone from sucks

to super sucks really fast, huh?

[Jenny muttering incoherently]

[Jenny]: ... my locker...

Everyone, hello...

- Jenny, is that you?

- Yeah...

Hannah...

You wanna make a baybay?

- Stop... making... babies!

- What happened? - You breathed the smoke

and got stupid. - Really?

Thanks, Hannah. I don't know...

[coughing]

You wanna make a baybay?

- I'm gonna need a bigger vacuum.

Okay... this all seems connected,

but where... All...

all I have to do...

... is pull this! - Hello, future lady.

- Clarence! You scared me. - What are you doing?

- We don't have much time. I have to reverse the airflow

in the air conditioning unit

to suck the stupid smoke out of the school.

It's the only way to make everyone smart again.

- I can't let you do that, future lady.

- Stop calling me future lady! What do you mean, can't let me?

- I've been walking around and I've seen

what a stupid world looks like. And... and you know what?

It looks happy.

I-I can't let you make everyone

go back to being smart and sad.

- Being smart doesn't make you sad.

- Really, Hannah? Are...

are you happy?

Are... are you happy being smarter than everyone else?

You're so smart, you're all alone.

I was so stupid,

I was so alone,

but... but not anymore.

Now...

now everyone is stupid together.

The way it should be.

- What do you take me for, an idiot?!

- Oh!

[death metal music]

[roaring]

- Oh!

Ah!

Ah! Oh!

Oh! Oh! - Oh, my God!

[both]: Ah...!

- Ah!

- Oh!

- Ah!!!

I... don't...

under...

... stand!!!

[echoing]

[death metal playing]

[air conditioner powering down] [panting]

- Well, I think that worked.

Everyone seems back to normal.

- Thank you so, so much for stopping me

from making a baybay - This poutine is delicious.

- Why are you even here?

- I'm a member of the gang.

- Where's Todd and Curtis?

- You want another hit?

- Sure.

- I love you.