Original subtitles

[soft ominous music]

[rattling]

[ominous soundscape]

- Help!

Help! [footsteps approaching]

Please let this be a dream. Please let this be a dream.

Please let this be a dream...

[door creaking]

[rock music]

- Hi, Todd.

- Please let this not be a dream.

- I'm so horny for you, Todd.

So horny...

it hurts.

I'm...

going to rock you...

like a hurricane.

- Oh... I never wanna wake up for as long as I live.

- Come on, people, keep it coming.

It's not Mount Everest!

- It was the greatest dream I ever had.

- Wet dreams are the best.

- Dude, I didn't say it was a wet dream.

- Couldn't have been that good, then.

- Pfft. Were you there? - I dunno, was I?

- Why would you be in my sex dream, dude?

- Maybe I dropped by to say hi, or... or to borrow something.

- No, it was just me and Jenny.

- You're in my dreams all the time.

Last week, we were Vikings.

Vikings with flying motorcycles. Eee-eee-eee-ooh--

- Yeah! - Yeah.

- That sounds pretty cool. - It was totally cool.

It was the best wet dream I've ever had.

- Emily...

Let's go.

- Maybe Mrs. Dempsey used the book

and it turned her into a sadist.

- No, she's always been a sadistic bitch.

- ... five, six, seven, eight!

[cheerleaders]: Crowley High! Crowley High!

Yeah... High!

[grunting]

- Whoa! - Ew!

- Okay, people!

Hit the showers.

- Yeah, I used to feel sorry for her, but now,

she's starting to annoy me. - I tried to talk to her once,

but it's even worse up-close.

- I know! [girls laughing]

[handle rattling] [water gurgling]

[gasping]

[heavy metal]

- Hi...

You wanted to see me?

- Has the boy led you to the book?

- It's not as easy as it sounds.

Uh... It's impossible to get close to him,

because that infernal gang

is always hovering around him.

- Then you must befriend them!

Convince them

that you're on their side.

- Here's the thing, Your Evilness, um...

kids today don't have much trust in authority figures.

- No one'll mistake you

for an authority figure, Atticus.

[laughter] Now be gone.

[laughter]

- Fuck you very much.

[eerie soundscape]

[sloughing]

[gasping]

- Oh.

- What are you smiling at?

- Nothing. I-I'm just happy to see you.

- You were in Todd's wet dream.

- Ew. - It wasn't a wet dream!

- Oh, hi... kids.

Thank you for coming.

- We didn't have a choice.

- Kids, a pair of conjoined twins

once said, "Two heads are better than one."

Well, in our case, five heads are better than four.

- Like a hydra? - What's a hydra?

- It's a five-headed dragon. - What does a dragon

and conjoined twins have in common?

- Nothing! But thank you for asking.

As a guidance counsellor -

which is what I am - it's my job to offer guidance.

- Guidance with what? - Finding the Book of Pure Evil.

- You told me the book doesn't exist.

- I was trying to protect you.

And I think I've done a pretty good job.

- Yeah? Well, I think I speak for all of us

when I say we're doing just fine on our own.

- Really? And yet week after week,

the book reappears and wreaks havoc on your lives.

You need the perspective and experience

of an adult - which is what I am.

Great. So I'm a member of your gang now.

[alternately]: No. Yes. Hydra! - Please don't think of me

as an authority figure. - We don't.

- Think of me as a member of your gang.

Thank you very, very much.

I'm a gang member.

- Dude, you're so wrong. - Trust me.

- Jenny? Did we just join

Mr. Murphy's gang? - No. And we need

to keep an eye on him. - He's just trying to help.

- Has anyone seen Emily?

[rock music]

- Here I am.

- Emily.

You look so... vastly improved.

- Wow.

Emily.

[rock music]

[whistling]

- Ow. [laughter]

[sparking]

[ominous music]

[screaming] [growling]

- We need to talk to Emily.

- Hey, guys, you know that cheerleader -

the thin, beautiful one?

- As opposed to all the fat, ugly cheerleaders?

- Wanda Winterbanks. Word around school

is she's not thin anymore. She's a 500-pound blimp!

- That's a bad career move for a cheerleader.

- It wasn't her choice, you moron.

It must have something to do with the book!

[screaming]

Let's go!

- Well, it sucks: we're the ones running towards the screaming.

[roaring] [girls screaming]

Maybe it's not so bad.

[snarling]

[screaming]

Run!

[snarling]

- Guys, was locking Jenny in there part of the plan?

[snarling] - Shit!

[Jenny screaming] - Oh.

- Guys...?

Humph, I feel bloated.

Why are you guys all staring at me like that?

- Jenny...

in a minute, you're... probably gonna totally freak out,

but just remember it's not as bad

as it looks.

- "Not as bad as it looks?"

What are you, on drugs? - Yeah.

- Hello, gang of kids. How's it shaking? Whoa-oh!!!

- The book is back, Mr. Murphy.

- How exciting. - When Emily used the book,

her expelled pounds mutated at a cellular level

which completely contravenes-- - Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa.

Could you be less talky and more showy?

- Um...

- You guys...

think of the money we could make!

Selling super-fat mice! - You're telling me

this monster fat could turn

the whole entire high school into this...

pretty, pretty lady?

- I gotta go.

- Why is it every time Todd looks at me,

he... looks so--

- Terrified?

It was grade 3.

Todd and I found a videotape of my parents... doing it.

And frankly,

my parents are fatty boobalities.

Anyway, I thought the pacing kinda slow,

but Todd... Todd was traumatized.

[father]: You know you want it!! [mother]: Oh!

- Ever since then, he's had this crazy fear of my parents.

And fat people like...

- Fascinating back story. Really. And wonderfully told.

How do we kill this thing? - All... I know is,

if we don't destroy Monster Fat,

my little buddy's worst nightmare

may become real.

- Is it just me, or did it get fat in here?

- Beat it.

Where's the book?

- The book? What book? - Don't play dumb with me,

Emily!

Your discarded fat has mutated into monster fat!

- A squirt gun? - A squirt gun

filled with your toxic fat. She pulls the trigger,

and you get blown back into your miserable life.

I didn't mean to imply that by being fat,

it automatically meant you were miserable.

- Yeah. Way to stand your ground, Hannah.

- It... it was here yesterday, I swear.

- Emily...!

Go. - This could be a huge problem.

I mean, a huge problem, not a huge problem.

Like, it-it could be a massive... problem.

Ma-- - You done?

- A massive problem, not a massive person.

- Okay. - Which you're not.

A problem, I mean. Or a person.

Of course you're a person...

[rattling]

[footsteps approaching] [laughing]

All right, bring it on, Jenny.

[heavy footsteps]

[rock music]

- Who ordered room service?

- No, no, no, no, no!

I want thin, sexy Jenny!

- Thin, sexy Jenny is dead.

Long... live...

the heifer.

I want you inside me.

- I'm inside something!

Oh, Curtis, Curtis, you gotta help me!

- No time, dude.

I just dropped by to borrow something.

- Curtis! Curtis, you asshole!

Vikings are supposed to stick together!

[motor revving]

- I'll send you a postcard from Valhalla!

Whoo-hoo...!

- We're gonna have some fun...

aren't we?

- I dunno if that's possible,

seeing as how my handle just retreated up my ass.

- Oh, I'm not here for sex.

I'm here for dessert.

[moaning] - No, no!

[punk rock playing through headphones]

- Buy your muumuus!

Step right up and get your muumuus!

Get your muumuus!

One size fits all! Hey, Todd.

Forget the super-fat mice.

These things are selling like hotcakes!

- Hi... Jenny.

- Hi, Todd.

- Hey, what's new?

- I know about your fear of fat people.

- I don't have a fear of fat people.

A lot of my best friends are fat people.

Like you.

- Just admit it, Todd.

I disgust you, don't I?

- I'm the one that disgusts you, remember?

- Okay, well...

then if that's not the case...

then prove it.

Kiss me.

- What?

But...

- It's what you've always wanted, isn't it?

- Yeah, but--

- Okay, then do it.

I knew it!

- You look like you wanted to eat my face!

- I wouldn't your face

if it was the last face on earth!

[school bell ringing]

- We need to ask ourselves:

What kills fat?

- This should do it.

[squeaking]

Close.

- Hey, Todd, can you pass me the puke mop?

Dude, why you hiding in here when you could be riding

the wide load highway out there? - What?

- Dude, it's fat-tastic out there.

Man, it is so sweet. Have you seen?

- Yeah, I know. That's why I'm in here.

I fear the fat.

- Look, dude, I've had it all, all right?

Skinny chicks, tall chicks, mini-chicks, chicks with dicks.

All right? Half-machine-half-chick.

But... when I wanna grease my piece,

I go obese.

- But they're fat.

- Look, Todd, you're not getting the big picture.

All right? Skinny chicks are only about skinny chicks.

All right? But what fat chicks...

fat chicks are about you.

- Jimmy.

Jenny's fat, too.

- Look, the Jenny you want is still in there.

Like, she's probably screaming in terror,

but... she's still in there, dude.

[rock music]

- I'm ready for that kiss.

- What? - You heard me.

You wanted a kiss? Well... here I am.

I'm gonna kiss every inch of you,

even if it takes all week. - Todd, you're creeping me out.

- You're not creeping me out. Not anymore.

Look, I don't care if you're a fat chick,

a skinny chick, a chick with a dick, chick...

What I'm trying to say is that...

you're Jenny.

That's all that matters to me.

[rock music]

- Oh, my God, look at that. Oh, my God, that's disgusting.

[screaming]

[roaring]

[heavy metal] [screaming]

- Sweet mother of Satan!

Nice.

[screaming]

[screaming] [snarling]

- You were right, Jenny.

I did unleash a monster.

- Yeah, that's why it's called the Book of Pure Evil,

you stupid, skinny bitch! [roaring]

- I have to make things right. - You think?

[snarling]

[screaming]

[grunting]

[screaming]

- Poor girl.

She sacrificed herself to save the school.

- We'll never forget you, Emily.

- Todd... forget Emily.

[roaring]

- Oh, great!

Now Monster Fat is Boiling Hot Monster Fat!

- Thanks, Emily!

[roaring]

[dramatic music]

- Curtis, I think we're screwed. - Well, if get screwed, dude,

I want it to be with you.

- I've got it! Todd, catch!

Throw the pill into Monster Fat's mouth!

- It doesn't have a mouth! - But it has an ass!

I'll distract it!

Hey! Monster Fat!

Hey, it knows its name!

[roaring]

- Hannah...

I don't know what you did, but thank you.

- Hey...

- Ah... Okay.

Todd...

that was pretty heroic.

- Ahem.

- And, um...

what you said earlier...

it really... meant a lot to me.

- Dude! [Todd laughing goofily]

Dude, what did you say?

- Dude, I have no idea. I was so terrified,

I could've said anything. - Well, at least you finally

conquered your fear of fat people.

- No, I didn't. [sniffing]

I'm even more traumatized.

- At least your arm doesn't smell like ass.

- That's how it went down. - You're funny.

I gotta pee. [music playing on radio]

- Okay, pee away. I'll be right here. Go for it.

Wide load highway,

here... we... come.