Original subtitles

[laughter]

- Hey, Simon, we see you got your fruit delivery.

- Yeah, fruits for the fruit. [laughing]

- Really good one, Allan.

- 'Cause you're a queer, fruit. - Yeah, I got it.

- Hey, we were just wondering what kind of fruit you were.

- Are you a cumquat?

Cumquat? [laughter]

- Do you get it? - Got it.

Sort of.

- Or maybe a bumpkin.

A gaybum. - Yeah.

Those are all really good... Maybe you wanna write them down.

- Hey, are you comin' on to me? - What?!

No! - Why not?

Allan's a good-looking guy.

- Hey, do you wanna suck me? - Uh, no!

- Why not? If I was gay, I'd wanna suck me.

If I was a girl. C'mon.

Just throw him in closet! - Okay, okay!

Guys-- - Going to the closet, buddy!

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! [laughter]

[laughter] [grunting]

- That was truly...

- Planto...

men in...

schola... hilaris...

- You're already reading the magic words,

aren't you? - Sort of.

- All right, can you hand me my blood mop, then?

I'm gonna need it later.

The one right there in the bucket?

[heavy metal music]

- What have you learned from observing the boy?

- Well, I've learned that he...

masturbates pretty much constantly.

Anytime he thinks no one's looking, it is on.

All right. His daily routine includes...

smoking cannabis with his one-armed friend,

following that angry girl around,

the aforementioned masturbatory marathons,

and, just the other day, he saved the school

from a pair of rabid zombies.

- Whenever the book strikes, this Todd seems to be near.

He must be the one.

- Uh... no, trust me, guys, Todd Smith is--

- Silence! Atticus,

you must find out if the boy bears the mark.

- What mark?

- The mark on his penis.

Everyone knows that. - Sure...

there's... there's nothing illegal

about a guidance counsellor

asking to see a teenage boy's penis.

- Excellent.

- No, I was...

I was being sarcastic. It's... totally illegal--

- Silence!

Be gone.

- Okay... I'll be gone-ing.

[girl sobbing] - Last night,

he said he couldn't live without me

and today he said he could!

- James wouldn't even touch me in his car this morning!

I even offered to let him put his you-know-what

in my you-know-where. - You won't believe this.

The football team doesn't want their morning BJs.

- What the hell is going on around here?!!

Argh! Come on!

- What we know:

uh, it's called the Book of Pure Evil.

It's evil -

pure evil, actually.

Uh, makes bad things happen,

uh, which seem like good things at first.

- Oh, oh, but then they turn really, really bad.

- Very good, Todd.

What we don't know: where it is, what it is,

what it does, how to stop it,

is it alive, who knows about it,

and is it magic or science?

- Oh, and...

we don't know what happened to Jenny's dad.

- Do you know your eyes flash

when you think hard? - What?

- They flash. It's kinda beautiful.

- What are you talking about?

- Flash, flash...

It's mesmerizing.

[footsteps] - Okay, new weirdness.

Every guy in school just dumped his girlfriend

this morning. Every single one.

- Maybe they all woke up this morning and realized

their girlfriends were a bunch of skanks.

- Heh! Yeah. - Oh, what? When I say it,

it's, like, offensive and when you say it--

- You're so pitiful.

- But don't his eyes flash

when he's being pitiful? Look.

It's like a little bit of green lightning

reflected in a still pond. - Dude,

will you stop acting so-- - Gay! I have a theory.

Based on what Jenny just said

and the bizarre display that I'm witnessing

right now...

I think that every boy in the school... is now gay.

- Bullshit!

- It fits. - No, I am not gay.

I feel nothing.

Nothing.

- Yep, he's gay all right.

- Um... this is really tough for me to talk about.

- Yeah, you woke up this morning and don't like girls anymore.

Okay, there you go, you're gay now.

Go do your gay things.

[music]

[Atticus, over PA]: Is Todd Smith out there?!

[beep] I see you, Todd!

Hey, buddy.

Hey, uh, I wanna see your penis.

- You wanna see my what?

- You know. - I don't.

- Ah, we both know what I'm talking about and...

I want you to show it to me. - No way.

- Mr. Smith, don't make me strip search you.

- What? - Yeah, I'm allowed.

As a school official, I'm allowed to conduct...

... a range of...

... strip search techniques.

- Did you just say strip search?

- I'm allowed.

- No... you're not?

- Well done. Well done, Todd.

Of course I'm not allowed to...

strip search you. But...

And if you had allowed me, you would've failed

the Inappropriate Behaviour Test.

Okay, next. You pass.

Go. Shoo-shoo.

I'm ready for my next Inappropriate Behaviour testee.

- Stop looking at my ass.

- Then stop waving it in my face.

- I'm not gay. - It's okay, you're not alone.

- You don't understand. I dream about Jenny

every night. What am I gonna do now,

dream about going shopping with her?

My whole identity is based on trying to get in her pants.

- Maybe you should accept that there's other pants

in the sea, Todd. - This so isn't fair.

- Hello, Todd.

- What... are you doing in here? - Well, I work here,

and I can go wherever I want

and... I certainly don't answer to you.

- You're in the boys' change room and you brought a camera.

- I don't see where you're going with this.

- You're a - no offence -

creepy older guy in the boys' change room,

where we change,

and you brought a camera. - Oh, I-I'm taking pictures...

for the yearbook. - In the boys' change room.

- Where we change.

- Oh. Oh, yeah, well, right, right! I see your point.

I'm... Uh... Okay, well, I'll just take

a couple of pictures of you guys in the shower

before I... go and...

[dance music]

[moaning]

- What the hell?

You know what, dude? Let's shower later.

- Hey, Simon. I'm just gonna get straight to the point.

Straight to it. Get it?

We're gonna get straight to the point with you.

The straight guy.

- This is not what I asked for. - No, seriously.

Me and the girls here, we just stopped by

to see how the school's token breeder was doing.

- Just get away from me! - Uh-oh, looks like we got

ourselves a homophobe here! - We've got ways of dealing

with homophobes around here. - Hey, guys!

Uh... hey, if you think this guy's a homophobe,

there's some guys out in the parking lot -

straight guys -

and they're calling everyone...

"fags."

- Gay fags!

[screaming]

- Don't even think about running, straight boy!

We'll be back! - We're gonna get

those pussy-lovers!! [roaring]

[heavy metal blasting]

- I'll show you traditional family values!

- They'll get tired soon.

Whoa!

- Simon, did you find a book?

- I wanted them to know what it's like to be gay.

- Yes, but...

was there a book involved?

- It's all my fault.

This is all my fault.

- You're a dead man, Simon! When I tell everybody

who's behind this, don't even think about running!

- What was that about?

- I'd say it's time to think about running.

- What kind of a name is Book of Pure Evil?

- We didn't name it.

- Who did?

I just wanted all the boys in school

to feel what it's like to be me. Gay.

But I did not know it was gonna make me straight.

I like being gay!

I'm good at it.

- I suck at it. - "Suck" at it.

Good one. It would be hilarious

if you said "blow me" right now.

- Who are you people?

- We fight evil. - With mixed results.

- Ah, we gotta get to that meeting.

- What meeting? - Oh, some of the dumb girls

called a meeting. We're gonna go check it out.

- You guys go see if the book's in Simon's locker.

- Jenny! Um...

even though they don't turn me on anymore,

I still really like your... friends.

You know, as... as friends.

- Stay gay, Todd.

Stay... gay.

[sighing]

- Whoa.

I'd like to break me off a piece of that.

- I don't know how and I don't know why,

but I do know

this is all the straight guy's fault. Simon.

- He's gotta pay for what he's done.

- Yeah, that guy's goin' down! [all]: Yeah!

- I'm infiltrating. Controlling the situation.

Let's nail this sucker!

[all]: Yeah! Whoo! - Yeah!

He's a real jerk. We should send him a message.

[all]: Yeah! - What kind of message?

- Oh, a serious one. I was thinking...

we should...

egg his locker.

[low mutterings] - I think we need

to think of something a little more nasty.

[all]: Yeah. - How about this?

We find Simon...

we pin him down...

... and then...

I take a marker -

a permanent marker -

and I write "jerk" on his forehead.

That will show him!

- Why don't we just... kill him?

[all]: Yeah!

- Yeah, like, kill Simon!

Come on-- - Kill Simon!

- Come on, let's get him! - No, I... I think marker.

- Hell hath no fury like 100 skanks scorned.

- See?

Right where I left it.

- Hmm. I can't believe

it's still there. - Todd...

- We're gonna get you, Simon! [girls shouting]

- You're so dead, Simon! [shouting]

- He's right there!

- Hey, get him! - Get him!

[indistinct shouting]

- Shit! Come on!

[shouting]

[heavy metal music] This way!

We found the book, but it flew away!

- Oh, stupid flying book! - There they are!!

[shouting] - Go! Go, go, go, go!

[shouting]

- What did you do?! - We found Simon!

We made him pay!

- That's not Simon. - That is.

- Ah! Kill Simon!

[all chanting]: Kill Simon!

- Go! Go! Go! [shouting]

[speed metal music]

Come on!

[shouting]

We'll hide in the boiler room!

[shouting] - Simon!

- Hey, guys, what's going on? - We're being chased

by a gay mob and every single guy in school's turned gay.

- It's Gay Day! - Well, that explains this then.

- Uh, I think it's only affecting the students.

- Forget you ever saw this.

[chanting]: Kill Simon! Kill Simon!

- We need to get outta here. - Maybe they won't look here.

- Maybe they're down there! Let's go, boys!

[roaring]

- That won't hold 'em for long!

[chanting] [banging]

- I need to hear a plan.

- Wait, this whole thing is because of Simon, right?

- Right. - Well, maybe if we get Simon

to go back to being gay, that'll make everyone else

go back to being straight. - Right, we break the spell.

- Okay, how do we make somebody gay?

- Hey, Simon, do you remember the good old days

when you were gay? - I do.

But it just makes me feel really weird now.

- No, no, it's not weird, it's natural.

Everybody's doing it. [chanting]

- Get out, straight boy!

- Remember the first time you, um... uh...

- Uh, did gay stuff.

- Yeah! Yeah! It was great, wasn't it?

Being gay, doing gay stuff with other gay guys...

in gay places.

[banging]

Boink. - What...?

- I was gay touching you.

- Oh... right.

And it felt great. - Yeah,

that's real sexy, guys. - Yeah...

- Can I tell you a secret? - Sure.

- About an hour ago Todd said

he thought you were really cute. - Dude, that was private!

- He said your lips were like two pillows.

- Gross.

[shouting and chanting]

- This isn't working...

- Okay, plan B.

One of us... has to kiss him.

- I'm not gonna kiss a guy

who thinks I'm gross. - Fine.

I'll do it.

[indistinct shouting]

- Are you wearing lip gloss?

- You like? - Not really.

- Bring in the mascot!

- Yeah! - Guys...

Come on. Ow! Oh!

Ow!

- I could use some help over here.

- Okay. But this isn't because of your beautiful skin.

I'm doing this to save our lives.

[dreamy music]

- Ugh.

- Help me...!

Oh! - This...

this is making me more straight.

[muffled shouting] - They're getting in!

- Open up the door, Simon!

Let's go! I can hear you!

- It's time to take a stand. - Simon, you breeder!

- Gay or straight,

discrimination has to be stopped.

- We're not leaving!

- Simon... [sighing]

- Don't do it, Simon.

You're only gonna make things worse.

- Simon is gonna pay! - I wanna burn him!

- I can't believe he's...

- Maybe he'll make things better.

[music]

[shouting]

[shouting] - Hey!

[sudden silence]

I'm Simon and I'm straight.

And I'm not afraid to be who I am.

Straight or gay,

we all have the right to walk down the halls of Crowley High

free of persecution and harassment.

If we could only look past our differences

to see what we have in common,

we can work together to make

our school a better place. Look, I'm sure

each and every one of you has once felt alone...

... unloved,

misunderstood. Let us let our differences

weave us into a rich tapestry of harmony

instead of tearing us apart

in an angry mob of bigotry and hate!

- Get him!

[roaring]

- And this is for reminding me

that I'm all alone! - Ah!!!

- This is for reminding me I'm unloved!

- Ah!!!

- I didn't see that coming. - I did.

[maniacal laughter] - I've got his liver!

- Yeah! - Whoo! Whoo!

[rock music]

- So you failed.

Which is what you do. - I did not fail.

It's not my fault my camera was confiscated.

And destroyed.

By the way, I still have the receipt,

so if-if you could reimburse me

out of petty cash-- - Silence!

What am I looking at? - Uh, it's a sketch.

Of the boy's penis.

- Why does his penis have lightning around it?

- It's... pubic hair?

- This is a sketch of your penis.

- It is not.

How... how would you even know if it was?

- Do not think for a second, Atticus,

that we do not watch you.

- Who watches my penis?

Oh...

And I thought I was low man on the totem pole.

- His job is to watch your penis.

Your job is to bring us the book!

- Wh-whatever you say, Your Evilness. Yes.

- What an asshole.

[Hannah]: So killing Simon broke the spell--

[Curtis]: Yeah...

- But what else have we learned today?

- I've learned that the teachers don't seem to care

what goes on around here.

- Hey, Jenny?

I think I need to take the gay test again.

- Not on your life, Todd.

- I'll give you the test. - Nah.

That's okay, Hannah.

[sighing]

Man, I can't believe

the most action I've ever gotten was with you.

- If it's any consolation, Todd,

you're a pretty good kisser.

- Really? You think so?

- You're a way better kisser than Allan.

- Oh, tell me about it.

[heavy metal]