Original subtitles

[moaning] [goth music]

♪ There's something in your eyes girl ♪

- I've got a great idea.

♪ My tears are made of blood

♪ I have to get inside you girl ♪♪

- All right.

Goth chicks like it in the basement.

[low growling] What's that noise?

- It's only the, uh, furnace, Anthony.

Don't be afraid. [low growling]

- Hey! Marcy!

What's going on?

[eerie music]

Hello?

[strange creature-like sounds]

Hey... come on!

[suspenseful music] Come on, Marcy!

Open the door!

[screaming] [snarling]

Oh, God!

[screaming] [snarling]

[heavy metal music]

- In the last five days, these five students

have gone missing. My theory...

it has something to do with the book.

- Well, maybe they just quit school.

- That's your theory? - Think about it.

If they quit school,

then have no reason to show up.

- Try not to think so hard, Todd.

You'll give yourself an aneurysm.

- Todd may actually have a point.

- Hannah agrees with Todd. Why am I not surprised?

- Well, just because something inexplicable happens

doesn't mean the book is responsible, Jenny.

Is the book responsible for you being a total bitch?

- Meow...!

[Curtis hissing] [Todd]: Meow...

[Todd laughing]

- I dunno why Jenny thinks I'm such a loser.

- Now listen up, Todd, all right?

If your goal is to gently caress Jenny's fun bags,

there's only one solution: make her jealous.

- Well... how do I do that?

- You bang one of her friends.

No, bang all of her friends.

- But... Jenny doesn't really have any friends.

Well, except for Marcy.

She is pretty hot, too.

- All right, well, there you have it, all right?

Seek out this sexpot known as Marcy

and you bang her until Jenny sees the light.

[sander whirring]

- This Todd Smith is starting to get in the way.

- Maybe he's the one the prophecy speaks of!

Tell us you've investigated this boy.

- Of course I have.

Do you think I was born yesterday?

Oh, he's... he's a student at Crowley High,

so he's... high school age,

which at Crowley could be anywhere between...

14 and 25. He is a male,

his name is Todd...

Smith. No middle name...

that I know of. - Silence!

Follow the boy.

Observe his movements.

Take notes.

- Yes, Your Evilness.

- Don't screw this up, Atticus.

[spitting]

[school bell ringing]

- Hey, Marcy.

Marcy!

You look terrible. What's up?

- I don't wanna talk about it.

- Well, look, I'm sorry we haven't been hangin' out lately.

I've just sort of been caught up in stuff.

- That's okay. I've been kinda caught up in stuff, too.

- Well, do you wanna maybe-- - Hey.

- Hey. - Todd.

- Todd. - I'm here too, you know.

- Yeah, good for you. So, Marcy,

Marcylicious...

How would you like to-- - My house.

Tonight. Seven o'clock?

- What, really?

Oh, I'm sorry, did I just make you jealous?

- Don't be an idiot. - I may be an idiot...

... but I'm an idiot with a hot date.

- Ah-ha...

- Hey. - Um...

these are for you.

I thought you'd like them 'cause they're dead...

and gothy.

- Hey, dude. - What are you doing here?!

- Marcy invited me. Pretty sweet, huh?

And look... corn chips.

- Have you heard of these guys?

[goth music] - Uh...

yeah, they're awesome.

♪ My tears

♪ Are made of blood ♪

- Awesome.

- You guys make yourselves comfortable

and I'll be right back.

- This is kinda weird.

Why would she invite both of us over unless...?

I think Marcy wants to have an orgy.

- I've never orgied before. How does it work?

Do we take turns or do we roll around

buck naked together? - No, I'm outta here.

- Hey, hey, hey-- - No, no, no--

- Hey! I can't let you go.

- Dude, the only reason I'm here is to get Jenny jealous.

- I respect that,

but not only are we gonna lose our virginities,

we're gonna get laid.

- Guys, I'm in the basement

and I'm not wearing anything!

- Dude, she totally wants us.

If you leave, there's no us, there's just me,

and she may not want just me!

She may be one of those chicks that needs, like, two cocks.

Please, Todd...

do this for me.

[sighing]

- Man...

- Two minutes ago,

I thought the highlight of my night

was gonna be that bowl of corn chips.

- So help me God, Curtis,

if your sword crosses my sword,

I am outta here.

- No sword crossage. Got it.

- Marcy?

[exclaiming, then grunting]

Curtis? - Ah...

- Curtis, are you okay?

- Argh... Phew!

[strange sound] Ow. Ugh...

- Curtis?

- Oh...

Ah... I landed in something squishy. Oh!

- Good squishy, or bad squishy? - Mm...

[with mouth full]: Definitely good squishy.

[gnawing] Mm...

- Bad squishy!

Bad squishy!!!

- Ah!!!

[screaming]

- Sorry, guys.

- Oh...

[both moaning]

[low growling]

[snorting]

[suspenseful music]

[snarling] - Hello, boys.

[screaming] [zombie laughing maniacally]

[grunting]

[snarling] [screaming]

- I'll get you for that.

[screaming] And that!

You little wanker!

[screaming] [speed metal music]

- Run! Come on, dude!

Come on! Come on! [grunting]

[zombie]: I didn't like that. [screaming]

[zombie]: Bastard.

- Oh! Ow! Ow! Ow! Not my face!

- Shit! This is our guidance counsellor.

[Atticus groaning]

Let's go. - Ah...

- Help...

[grunting]

- You failed us, Marcy.

- Wait, wait, wait. I'll get you more bodies, I swear to God!

- Perhaps a little...

incentive is in order.

- But, you guys, come on!

[screaming]

[cackling]

- How about a little finger food?

- So we escaped out the window and ran all the way home.

- Dude, we didn't run, you dork sack,

we just... like, walked fast. - Dude, we ran home

like a couple of frightened little bitches.

- Oh, thank God you're alive!

- Hey, guys.

How was your date with Marcy? [screaming]

- It went that bad, huh?

Stop it.

Sebastian Fury and Raven.

They fronted the goth band

called The Bram Stoker Explosion.

- We ran away from a pansy-ass goth band?

- Huh... They stayed awake for 36 days straight

recording that album.

And when they crashed...

... they never woke up.

- Until Marcy got her hands on the Book of Pure Evil.

- That's why she's been acting so strange,

she's got a couple of zombies stashed in her basement.

- And she's luring sexy guys into her place

with the promise of orgies and corn chips.

- Does anyone have a plan?

- Actually...

... I do.

[speed metal]

[speed metal]

- You're spreading lies about me!

- Marcy, you're feeding guys to zombies!

- Fair enough!

Okay, it all started last week.

My parents were giving me grief

about my clothes, my music, my grades, my attitude,

blah-blah-blah... so I lost it.

I hate your guts and I wish you weren't my parents!

- What a terrible thing to say.

- Next day,

I find this weird book.

So I decided to...

replace my parents with my favourite rock stars.

"Restituo meaus parentes

per meaus effigies."

[doorbell ringing]

Of course I didn't expect them to come back as zombies.

- So what happened to your folks?

- Right... my folks.

[silverware clinking] [gnawing]

[burping] - Mm...

- We're still hungry.

- So fuckin' hungry.

- I'll get more.

Lots more!

So I started bringing boys home from school.

Sorry, guys.

- Hey, it can happen to anyone.

- We'll just take a rain check on that orgy.

- Are we prepared to take on two sadistic flesh-eating zombies?

- Hell, yeah! But first...

we gotta load up.

- On drugs. - Close.

Hey, Jimmy, I need...

[funky music playing] Jimmy. Miss Valeri.

I need to borrow a few questionable items...

- I'm not responsible if I don't see it.

[clattering] Mm...

- Oh, uh, Miss Valeri?

I'm gonna need another extension on that math assignment.

- Come on... [moaning]

- Where's that rotten little wench?!

You know, I'm so fuckin' hungry, I could eat myself!

- Sebastian, you gotta check out this book, man.

It's the answer to all our prayers.

- Yeah, well, can ya eat the fuckin' thing?

I don't think so!

Hold on a minute.

Here we go.

An all-you-can-eat.

[cackling]

- Jenny, I'm really sorry about all this.

- Hey, you're not the only kid

who doesn't get along with their parents.

I mean, how could you have known

it would lead to cannibalism and murder?

- Hey, when all this is over,

do you wanna, like, hang out again?

You know, like old times? - Yeah. Sure.

- All right, everybody listen up.

When we get to Marcy's house,

Jenny and I will take the back...

[whistling]

- Where are you little dudes going?

- Uh, none of your business? - Does it have anything to do

with the two zombies that just walked in the school?

- Everybody back inside.

- Loser. - You sure he's the one?

- Yes, I'm sure!

Just give him some time. - All right, gang,

let's spread out. Jenny and I will cover Jock Hall.

Curtis and Hannah, you cover Nerd Alley.

Take Marcy with you. Keep your eyes peeled.

If you hear or see anything, or if something tries

to eat you, scream real loud. All right, let's move out!

[mixed chatter] - What time is it?

- Where the hell is Atticus?

- "Ladies and gentleman,

"parents and teachers,

I'm here to tell you your kids are out of control!"

Exclamation point.

Double exclamation point.

- I-I just wanted to let you to know that, um...

nothing happened between me and Marcy... and Curtis.

- Why would I care one way or the other?

- You mean you don't care that I almost had an orgy

with your best friend?

- I'm glad you weren't eaten alive by zombies, okay?

[clanging] - Did you hear that?!

- What?!

Ah! Ah! [grunting]

- That's our guidance counsellor, Curtis.

We should do something.

- Let's hit him in the head again.

We'll give him amnesia. - Uh...

there's actually a 98% chance that that won't happen.

- So what you're saying is,

there's a good 3% chance that it will.

- No, that's not what I'm saying.

Where's Marcy?

[Marcy screaming]

[gnawing]

- What've you done to Marcy?! - Don't worry,

she's safe and sound.

- Safe and sound in our gullets!

[cackling]

- Prepare to die, you undead limeys!!!

[both]: Ah...!!!

- Ahem-hem-hem.

[both]: ... Ah...!! - Let's be blunt.

Your kids live in a society

that glorifies acts of brutality and carnage.

What should you, as parents, do?

For the love of God, would someone please shut that door!

[screaming] Stop turning a blind eye

to what's happening!

[grunting]

[screaming]

[cackling]

The only solution...

... is to cut your kids off

from the outside world!

Lock them inside their rooms and don't let them out

until you drop them back off

to the warmth and safety of this education facility!

[groaning] [cackling]

- Let's start with the pretty one.

- No! Wait!

[groaning, then spitting]

So how about this?

You give us the book

and you can have the parents. And the teachers.

[grunting] [Raven laughing]

- You mean this book?

[Sebastian cackling] Here's what's gonna happen.

First, we're gonna eat you little fuckers.

And then we're gonna use this book

to get back on top of the charts!

- Oh, fuckin' hell!

You mean we gotta go back to work?

This is just like that fuckin' album all over again!

- Bloody hell. - Can't take a day off! Oh, no!

You have to stay awake for 36 fuckin' days straight!

And look what happens to us now. [groaning]

We're dead!

- Todd, catch!

- Ah! Ah-ah-ah-ah...

[moaning]

Look what you did

to my baby!

Just when we were about to make a comeback.

[whimpering] Well...

now this is personal!

You picked the wrong zombie

to fuck with! - Eat me!

[body falling]

- You zombies are dead! Again!

Yeah!

Wh...? - Grab it!

It keeps doing that.

[soft music]

- Are you okay?

- She was my best friend...

and now she's gone.

[sighing] Goodbye, Marcy.

I hope there's an all-ages goth bar in heaven.

- Jenny?

Do wanna cry on my shoulder?

That wasn't meant to be totally sexual!

- You know what the worst part about this is?

We never got to have our orgy.

- Uh, trust me, dude, I'm still gonna have my orgy.

And you're not gonna be there.

- Uh... in your dreams.

Which, by the way, is, like,

the only place you'll ever have an orgy.

- Well, as long as it's a Curtis-free orgy dream,

I have no problem with that.

[suspenseful music]

- Mm, good squishy.

- Ah...

- Ladies...

Let's get this orgy started.

[Jenny giggling] [Marcy]: Mm...

[dance music]

- Best dream ever.

♪ There's something in your eyes girl ♪

♪ My tears are made of blood

♪ I have to get inside you girl ♪

♪ You're such a naughty stud ♪