Original subtitles

[soft music]

[approaching footsteps]

- Are those your dead parents?

Sure don't look like they were groundbreaking scientists.

Frankly, Hannah, you shouldn't spend

so much time in the science lab.

This is why you have no friends. - Friends are overrated.

I have one true love and that love is science.

- Ah, but science doesn't love you, Hannah.

It doesn't even like you. It killed your parents.

No offence, Hannah, but you're twice as reckless

as they were with half the talent.

- Then I'll try harder, I'll try much--

- Don't see it happening, Hannah.

- We'll show them, Orville 12.

Fly free, little one.

[zapping]

[demonic soundscape]

- Shouldn't we be looking for this book thingy?

- Are you kidding, man?

I can barely find my feet.

[heavy metal music]

Jenny...

what do I gotta do to get you

to go out with me? - Not gonna happen, Todd.

- Okay, well, since we're gonna be spending a lot time together

looking for the book,

can't we just call that a date?

- Whatever gets you off, buddy.

- Guess who's dating Jenny.

- Awesome. - Okay, listen.

We have to the book before it hurts anybody else.

It's important

that we keep this our secret, okay?

We don't want it getting into the wrong hands.

- All right, I'm sure you're all excited

about this year's science fair.

[students groaning]

As you're well aware, you will be assigned partners.

Wanda Winterbanks and Jasmine Madison,

my two best students. [girls]: Yes!

- Hmm, I wasn't aware you got extra credit for hand jobs.

- And now you are.

- Good luck, skank!

- You don't stand a chance against our baking soda volcano,

bitch-face. - Jenny Kolinsky

and Curtis Weaver. [boys]: What?

- Hannah B. Williams and Todd Smith.

Marcus Romero

and Anthony Baba... - Over here, Todd.

- Hannah...? - Todd.

Over here, Todd.

- I bet there's something in here

that's better than a baking soda volcano.

'Course, it all depends what you want to study, too.

Oh, what about this? We could make a homunculus.

Mr. Farley likes teamwork. It's a meeting of the minds.

Two working as one.

In union. Together.

[beep] [PA]: Todd Smith,

please report to the guidance counsellor's office.

We need to talk about your...

recent emotional problems.

[laughter]

In private.

As your... guidance counsellor - which is what I am -

it's my job to help you with problems.

- What kind of problems?

- Let me think. How about, um... like when-you-nearly-destroyed-

the-entire-school- during-the-Battle-of-the-Bands

kind of problems? You know, Todd,

I used to be a lot like you.

Lost, angry, sexually confused--

- I'm not sexually confused. - Let me put forth

a purely hypothetical situation. Let's say... I was you, okay?

And let's say I...

I dunno,

found a book of pure evil.

- And... you think

I have this...

"book of pure evil."

- Hypothetically.

You know, if I had this book, I'd wanna give it

to someone I trusted, someone who's guiding me,

counselling me.

Guidance-counselling me.

- I dunno... what you're talking about.

- Where's the book?! - I don't have it anymore!

We tried to destroy it and it just got away.

Wait. How do you know about the book?

The...

hypotheticalbook.

- Do you know what this sounds like to me?

I think you made up this Book of Pure Evil,

this fantasy book,

because you have a delusional drug problem.

If I was you, I wouldn't mention any of this to anybody.

Word gets around, I would have no choice

but to institutionalize you with the rest of the crazies.

Big, horny crazies.

Now, shoo, Todd.

Mr. Murphy has important business to do.

You're not the only troubled teen at Crowley High.

[speed dialling] - Hello?

- Yeah, the boy doesn't have the book.

- Todd! Um, do you wanna meet up after school

to work on our science project? - Yeah, sure, whatever.

Hey! Hey!

Why the hell did you assholes turn me on to that book?!

- Ho-ho! So you found it?

- Oh, I did more than find it.

It possessed me and I nearly killed the whole school!

- Tends to happen when you use the Book of Pure Evil.

- You knew there'd be consequences, little dude.

- No, I didn't! - You should've... loser.

- Look, dude,

you don't control that book,

that book's gonna control you, man.

- I don't even have it anymore. - Just wait, little dude.

It'll come back. Just like German herpes.

- Yeah, and if you don't control German herpes,

German herpes will control you. - I have had it

with you assholes and-and your mystical bullshit!

The book is not my problem!

[laughing]

- He'll be back.

- Very good.

Very, very good.

[giggling] I'm feeling the heat.

What's your science project, Hannah?

- I'm making a homunculus.

- A homunculus. You're making a homunculus?

Hannah,

as not only your teacher,

but as a respected member of the scientific community,

I hope wherever your parents are right now, they can't see

what an absolute fool you're making of yourself.

[chuckling] A homunculus!

Homunculus. [girls giggling]

[teacher laughing] - What's a homunculus?

- I have no idea,

but I'll tell you girls all about it over dinner.

Homunculus! [laughing]

[door closing]

- Partum...

creatura...

of...

meus...

votum!

[gasping]

[moaning]

- Now that's what I call... teamwork!

[laughter]

- Thanks, Mr. Farley.

[moaning] - Now...

come on,

I wanna see you two make out.

- You're drunk. - And you're not drunk enough.

You wanna see my volcano? It's ready to erupt!

[groaning] [glass breaking]

Who's there?

[moaning]

[panting]

- You're too drunk. Come on, Jasmine, let's go.

[Mr. Farley laughing]

He can never perform when he's drunk.

- Can you believe he just said that?

That is so gross. - What a piece of shit.

[moaning] [munchkin-like cackling]

What the hell is that? [maniacal laughter]

What? Homunculus?! No!

No! Oh, my God! - Yeah!

[screaming]

[screaming echoing]

- It has begun anew.

- What is going on, kids?

Holy...

Jupiter shit.

- He's bleeding everywhere!

Oh, my God, he ruined our project!

- All the trees are broken.

[dance music ring tone]

- Yes. Yes...

- Atticus, come here immediately.

- B-but I-I'm-- - Atticus, where are you?

Are you listening to me?! - Yes!

- What the...? - Don't waste my time!

- We'll continue this conversation later.

- We weren't having a conversation.

- Atticus! Are you on your way yet?!!

- Todd, check it out.

I think he's dead.

- Hi, Todd. - Holy shit!

- Apparently, Mr. Farley slipped in a pool of his own blood

after he carved a pentagram on his forehead.

He fell right onto the baking soda volcano.

But they didn't cancel the science fair.

And thank God, 'cause our project

turned out really great. [rumbling]

- You might wanna step back... [screaming]

'Cause it's gonna blow.

- Beat it, twerp.

The pentagram on Mr. Farley's forehead,

it's the same as the cover of the Book of Pure Evil.

- So? Look, just because some teacher carved a pentagram

into his own forehead and then slipped in his own blood,

that doesn't mean it has anything to do with the book,

or with me!

- You must follow the path of carnage.

Where there's death, destruction and chaos,

there you will find the book.

- That's what I was doing when you called me.

I was atthe scene of death, destruction and chaos

when you told me to get over here just so you can tell me

to seek out the scene of death, destruction and chaos.

Which is where I was! - Control yourself, Atticus!

The Book of Pure Evil

feeds on uncontrollable emotions and fears.

High school...

is the perfect environment

for the book to thrive.

- Mm. - Do you know of any

emotionally unstable students at Crowley High?

- W-w-we're talking teenagers here, right?.

They're all emotionally unstable.

If they weren't, I wouldn't have a job,

and then you'd be shit out of luck?

- Watch your tongue, Atticus,

or I'll cut it out and make you...

eat it!

- Forgive me, Your Evilness.

- Be gone.

- Be gone. Always with the "be gone."

[thunder crashing]

- No.

No...!

[munchkin-like cackling]

- Mm-mm...

- Oh...

yeah...

[sexy music]

[laughing softly] ♪ Oh oh

♪ Oh oh Oh...

Jenny...

♪ Oh oh oh oh ♪

[screeching] [Jenny shrieking]

No! - Ah!

[cackling]

- Todd?

- No!!! - No!!!

[screaming] - Ah!

- What the...?

[school bell ringing] [mixed chatter]

- Jenny! Oh.

The science fair's about to start.

You got our project? - Screw the science fair.

Where's your idiot friend? - I haven't seen Todd all day.

- Well, let's go find him. - Hey. Hey! Hey!

- Oh. Hey, Jimmy.

I was just kinda, you know...

hiding.

- What are you hidin' from?

- Well... I'm kinda... like...

avoiding a girl.

- What do you wanna do that for?

[sighing] - Well, I had this dream, right?

And I was, like, quick and tiny and I, like, tried to kill her.

And then I had another dream

where I killed the science teacher.

And then that dream came true and then...

I kinda feel like... like it's my fault or something. I--

- And if it is your fault,

what are you gonna do about it?

- Well, I'm scared that if I do anything,

I'm just gonna make things worse.

- Look, doing something sometimes makes things worse,

but doing nothing always makes things worse.

- Okay, yeah, but what if I put Jenny in danger?

- Dude, chicks love danger. And dudes who aren't afraid

to face it. And remember, if she's not in danger,

be sure to put her in danger. - Put her in danger. Got it.

- Oh, and don't forget the saving her part, all right?

You do that, and it's candy in the pants, baby.

- Okay. - Play it smooth.

- Okay. Thanks, Jimmy. - All right.

Always here to help, buddy.

- Todd!

I finished our science fair project.

- Yeah, that's totally great. Have you seen Jenny?

[munchkin-like grunting]

Wh-what've you got there?

- Our science fair project.

- There you are!

[grunting]

What the hell is that?

- Behold...

the homunculus.

[snarling]

- That thing tried to kill me last night!

- Ew...!

Holy crap, that thing is ugly. - Ah!

- Shhh-shhh-shhh. - Uh, it...

it looks just like you, Todd.

[Jenny screaming] - Whoa!

Oh! [munchkin-like cackling]

[cackling] Hey!

Ha-ha-ha! Oh.

[both]: Ew...

- Ew! - C'mere, c'mere.

[creature moaning] - Get that tiny Todd!

- Ah! [Todd laughing]

- Don't even think about it.

Years of jerking off have given me an iron grip.

Ah! Oh! It's pissing in my mouth!

- Ew! - I'll save you, Todd!

[screaming]

[speed metal music]

- Kill it!

- Where's the book?! - Where's what?

- The Book of Pure Evil, you whiny little nerd!

- Kill it! Kill it! Ah...!

- No! No, no! No!

[cackling] [grunting]

[laughing maniacally]

You sent Tiny Todd to kill Mr. Farley.

- I don't know what you're talking about.

- Liar!

- I think she's telling the truth.

And could we please stop calling it "Tiny Todd"?

- Shut up. And then you sent it to kill me,

because...

you're jealous

that Todd has a crush on me. - I'm not jealous.

I've dedicated my life to science.

I don't have time for boys.

- Then why does it look like Todd, Hannah?

- Does it? - What of Hannah doesn't realize

she has a crush on Todd?

What if this... homunculus

is acting out what she really wants,

but is too afraid to admit to herself?

- The homunculus...

is the personification of her subconscious desires.

Wow, that's why it looks like Todd.

- Don't we all want a little Todd for ourselves?

- I have a plan.

It might be...

a little bit dangerous

for one of us...

Now, I'm not gonna say who it's gonna be dangerous for,

but no matter who it is...

... I promise I won't let anything happen to you.

- This plan sucks.

And I don't see why I have to be tied to this chair!

- Just trust me and read what's on the cards, okay?

- "Hi, Todd. Do you wanna work on our science project

today after school?"

- "I can't. I've got a date with Jenny."

- This isn't working!

- Just... read the next card.

- "Todd, why do you wanna spend quality time with Jenny

and not with me?"

- "Jenny has a refreshing personality and I admire

all her great qualities."

[Jenny]: Guys?!

My neck's itchy!

- Okay...

new plan.

I can't hang out with you today

and spend quality time with you,

because I'm gonna be spending quantity time with Jenny.

And we're gonna be making out.

In the parking lot. A lot.

[thumping]

[cackling]

- Guys...?!

- After we make out, we're gonna get buck naked.

And our buck-naked bodies... - Guys?!

- ... are gonna wrap around each other, like this...

[grunting] ... and then we're gonna, like,

start doing it.

And it's gonna be all hot and sweaty and stinky and then,

she's gonna be, like...

[high voice]: "Oh, yes, Todd, that's the best."

And I'm gonna be, like, "Oh, Jenny,

"I'm so glad I'm doing you

instead of doing Hannah." - Guys?!

- And Jenny's gonna be, like, "Oh, yes!

"Please don't stop. Please don't stop

doing that to me." "I like your boobs. They feel...

squishy." And I'm gonna be, like,

"Oh, yeah, that's right, Jenny."

"Oh! Oh! I'm so glad

"you're doing me, yeah.

Squish them some more while I do this to you."

"Oh, Jenny, that's the best." "Oh! Don't stop!

"Hannah has glasses and she's weird.

"Oh... Oh, my God.

Don't stop." - No!

No! No! No!

[screaming]

[homunculus gasping] - Goodbye, Tiny Todd.

[screaming]

[soft music]

- So I guess my plan saved you from mortal danger, huh?

- Is that what you did? - Yeah.

Aren't you gonna...

you know...

- No, I don't know. What do you want?

- Mm... Candy in the pants?

- I don't know what that means. And even if I did,

I'd still be grossed out.

- Do you guys realize that this creature's

cellular structure has no cohesive pattern?

If I can gather enough research--

- This is a waste of time! We need to figure out

where the homunculus hid the book.

- Why do you need to find that book so badly?

- Because of my dad.

He's a journalist who went missing last year,

and after he vanished,

I started going through his stuff

and I found this old photo that he'd hidden.

It's the only clue I have to find him.

- We'll help you find your dad, Jenny.

- Hannah.

We could really, really use someone with your science smarts

in our quest to vanquish evil. - Really? I can be in your gang?

- We have a gang?! - The Book of Pure Evil Gang.

Till death to us part. - Yeah!

- Yeah! - Ew.

- Ah, Curtis.

- What do we do now? - We make up team handshakes.

- Oh! Or we decide on our gang colours.

- Yeah!

- Or maybe we could look for clues?

- Yeah... we could do that.

[heavy metal music]