Original subtitles

[demonic voice]: Are you pussies ready to be annihilated?

[cheering]

Witness the awesome power of... Todd!

[cheering]

[silence]

- I am Todd the Metal God!

[cheering]

- I want you, Todd.

- This song...

goes out to the owner

of these sweet panties,

Jenny Kolinsky!

[cheering]

It's a love song I wrote called...

Sexy She-Bitch of Hades!

[cheering]

[heavy metal music]

[clumsy guitar playing]

- I jerk off better than you play!

Jerk-offs!

[laughter]

Jerk-offs! Jerk-offs!

[all chanting]

- Knock it off, Stuart. - Oh, come on,

we're just having a little fun, babe.

[chuckling]

Just wait till you hear the song I wrote for you.

- You wrote a song for me?

- Thank you... Barbarian Apocalypse.

[feedback]

That was won-der-ful.

Next up is Quarterback. - Whoo! Finally!

- Good night, Crowley High! - Boo...

♪ I hurt

♪ I hurt

♪ I hurt

♪ For you

♪ I can't get you

♪ Out of my head

♪ I can't sleep

♪ Alone in my bed

♪ Can barely breathe

♪ Or speak or move ♪

[heavy metal music]

- Dude, we totally kicked ass!

- They were jerking off at us.

- I thought they were jerking off withus.

- Face it, Curtis, we totally sucked.

- You know what your problem is? You need to get baked.

- I'm not in the mood. - What?!

But you're always in the mood.

Man, this is about Jenny, isn't it?

- I can't stop thinking about her.

And it's not just her awesome rack.

She's smart and, like, mysterious--

- And she's got an awesome rack.

- Man... what does she see in that dick?

- Well, he can play guitar and sing

at the same time, he's really good-looking,

got a cool car, captain of the football team,

and I hear he's got a cock

like the size of a cock and a half.

But I bet your cock is like the size of like two cocks!

And those two cocks

have two sets of balls.

- And two sets of balls are exactly what I need

to make Jenny forget all about that cock-rock loser!

- Cock-and-a-half rock loser.

But yes! Let's go show Jenny...

your balls!

- Jenny... how do I put this delicately?

Sometimes daddies leave home

because they just don't wanna be daddies anymore.

Okay, it's not about you.

It's about not wanting to be with you.

- But he didn't leave me, Mr. Murphy, he disappeared.

And I think it has something to do with this.

- Where did you get this picture?

- It was hidden in my dad's office.

He was researching the origins of thisbook.

- Well, Jenny, my advice to you is:

start focusing on your schoolbooks

and not this fool's book. Now shoo.

Mr. Murphy has a lot of business to attend to.

- Thanks for nothing.

- "Thanks for nothing"!

[dialling]

- Hello? - Hey, it's me.

We're gonna have to deal with the daughter as well.

- Okay, she's coming. Don't freak out. Go get her, Todd!

- Ugh! - Fuck.

- Thanks a lot, douche-cake!

- Um, I'm sorry. - Just...

Can you just... Leave it, okay?

[ominous music]

Enjoying the scenery?

- Um...

I'm-I'm-I'm Todd.

- Is this conversation going anywhere?

- Do you want it to go somewhere?

'Cause we could, like... - Oh.

- Uh, we could, like,

go, like, for ice cream or something...

- Did you just ask my woman out?!

- Just...

Just leave him alone, Stuart.

- Yeah, Stuart, we'll... we'll settle this at...

the Battle of the Bands.

- You didn't even make the cut,

penis-hole!

Uh!

[music]

[roaring]

- Even guitars gently weep,

little dude.

- Yeah?

What do you know? - Check it out, little dude.

This self-defeatist manner, bro, does not become you.

You gotta show all those boners, man,

that you truly are...

Heavy Metal God.

- But I'm a loser.

- You could always practice, loser.

- Or...

you could find the Book of Pure Evil.

- The what?

- Anyone who listens to metal

knows the Book of Pure Evil,

loser. - Legend has it,

the book was stitched together with the foreskin of Judas.

- Must've been some foreskin,

I... I gotta get back to class.

- The Book of Pure Evil

can give you anything you desire.

- Anything I desire?

- Imagine, little dude,

the one thing that you want more than anything.

- Feel it, loser.

Deep inside.

- Deep inside...?

- Inside your pants.

- Toke?

[guys]: Imagine the one thing you want more than anything.

Feel it, loser.

Deep inside.

Inside you pants.

Pants...

pants...

[Jenny]: I want you, Todd.

[guys]: The Book of Pure Evil came make any desire come true.

-Toke? - The book was stitched together

from the foreskin of Judas. - Foreskin...

Toke? - Anything you desire.

- Foreskin...

Toke?

- Whatcha doin' there, Todd?

- Oh... hey, Jimmy.

Do you think you could open that case for me?

- It's gonna cost you.

- Well, I got...

uh...

a buck and 49...

and... my lucky condom.

- How long have you had that lucky condom?

- I dunno, a couple of years, I guess.

- I'll take the money.

[ominous music]

[disembodied whispering]

- Planto...

mihi...

lascivio...

valde...

sanus!

[heavy metal music]

[rock music]

Douche.

- Did you just call me a douche?

- If the douche fits...

[scoffing]

I challenge you to a duel:

your guitar against mine.

- Lunch hour,

in the cafeteria.

I'm gonna slay you, Todd.

- I'm gonna make you bleed out your ass.

[rock music]

- You're goin' down, dude.

[scoffing]

He's totally gonna slay you, Todd!

[demonic voice]: This time, it shall be I who slays he.

- Your voice just was totally awesome. Whoa!

Hey, where'd you get that guitar?

Oh! - Let's do this.

[rock chord progression]

[whistling and cheering]

[girl]: Let's do it!

[heavy metal version]

[blues riff]

[heavy metal version]

- Yeah, Todd!

- Oh! Ah!

Ah!

[moaning] Ah!

Ah! Ah!

[cracking] Ah!

- What the fuckles?

[panting] - Help me, Jenny.

I... I'm bleeding out of my ass. - Uh...

There, there... baby. - Ow!!!

- If I could do it again,

I would've made him bleed out of his dick.

[laughing] Yeah, I know.

- Hey, Todd.

Your band is so awesome and... I was just thinking,

if you wanted to get together

and talk about metal or metallurgy,

I would be more than happy

to do that-- - Yeah, you might wanna

get that framed.

- Um...

- I have no idea who she is, but she's always, like--

- Dude!

That was amazing.

- Uh... Curtis, uh...

meet the new members of Barbarian Apocalypse.

We're replacing Quarterback at Battle of the Bands tonight.

- That's awesome! Two drummers?

Yeah!

- Uh...

I'm sorry, Curtis,

but we don't need two drummers in the band.

- What are you saying? - I'm saying, I'm sorry, Curtis,

we don't need two drummers in the band.

Curtis-- - No!

I heard you the second time.

Loud and clear.

[ominous soundscape]

- Welcome to Crowley High's Battle of the Bands.

[cheering and whistling]

Well, tonight we start with the hip-hop stylings of...

Pussy Fresh. [laughter]

[girl]: Posse Fresh, bitch! [laughter]

- Posse Fresh.

Whatever...

bitch. [laughter]

[distant music] - Hi, Todd.

You were amazing...

in the cafeteria today.

Where'd you get that cool guitar?

Ow!

- My guitar's a little... sensitive

about other people touching it.

- Are you sensitive to touch?

- Uh... - Why don't you and I

go someplace private?

I'd love to see

these magical fingers of yours at work.

[demonic voice]: She doesn't want

your grimy paws on her fun bags.

She wants her hands on the book! - Who knows,

maybe you could teach me a few things.

- She's onto us! Eliminate her!

- No! - Screw her, then eliminate her.

- No! - Eliminate her, then screw her?

- Huh... What's going on, Todd?

- Look, I... I gotta get ready to go on stage.

- I know you have the book, Todd!

You have no idea how dangerous it is!

Now hand it over!

- She just wants the book for herself!

- You just want the book for yourself!

- She doesn't care about you!

- You doesn't care about me! - Yeah, you got that right!

Now give it to me!

Todd! Ah! Todd!

Todd! You little shit-nugget! Let me out!

Todd, don't you run away! Get back here!

[microphone feedback]

- Our final act -

mercifully -

is the Barbarian Apocalypse.

[cheering]

- Yes, Todd!

[demonic voice]: Prepare to be conquered, Crowley High!

- Conquer me, Todd.

- The Book of Pure Evil?

After all these years...

[heavy metal]

- Hello?! [banging]

Help! Get me out of this locker!

I have to save the school before everybody dies!

- Hold on! - Hurry!

One more. That's good. Thanks.

[heavy metal]

Cover your ears! We've got to stop Todd!

[fire alarm ringing]

[screaming]

[disembodied whispering]

[demonic voice]: You shall die!

- Do something! [hard rock music]

- You do something! [roaring]

- Ah! Ah!

- Don't do it, Curtis!

It's the only clue I have to find my dad.

[demonic voice]: Don't do it, Curtis.

Join me and you'll have everything you ever dreamed of.

- Sorry, Todd, this bad bitch has gotta burn.

- No!!! [Todd and Atticus]: No!

- Ah! [demonic shrieking]

- Ah... - Todd.

- Shit. - Todd... Are you okay?

- Uh... don't worry about me.

Are you okay?

[banging]

- What the hell is goin' on in here?

- Uh... the Battle of the Bands

kinda got out of control.

- You kids sure know how to party, man.

I haven't seen this much blood

since that kid bled out his ass this morning.

- Dude, that was so awesome.

Except for almost killing everyone.

- Yeah, I'm just glad it's over.

- What do you mean, over? That thing's still out there

and we've gotta find it before it hurts anybody else.

- Uh, not my problem. Let somebody else deal with it.

Let's go get baked. - Awesome.

- After everything that's happened,

how can you not feel responsible?

God, you guys are such... idiots.

- Dude, this is your chance to finally get close to Jenny.

- Hey, Jenny! Wait!

Now, I've given it a lot of thought,

and I think that the best way to find the book

is to work together.

Close.

- Real close.

- I'm already regretting this.

- So are we getting paid for this?

- No, we're not getting paid.

- I really think we should be drawing some kind of salary.

- It's not gonna happen, okay? - So, Jenny, we should, like,

go back to your house tonight and talk about

how we're gonna find the book.

- Mm, that's not gonna happen either.

- Yeah, it's a bit late. Let's do it tomorrow night.

- I don't think so.

- I can totally do it tomorrow night!

- Uh, I don't remember you being invited, dude.

- Uh, I don't remember youbeing invited... dude.

- I can't believe the book actually exists.

It was totally, like, pow! And then I was, like, whoa!

And then the book totally flew away.

[making flapping sounds] - The prophecy.

We must prepare for the final countdown.

- I'll sharpen the knives and get a goat.

- Silence!

- It is a glorious day.

At long last we have found the book,

and soon it'll be ours again.

The prophecy will be fulfilled

and we will reap the rewards.

- Um... yeah...

about that prophecy,

um...

the book flew away.

In flames. All gone, bye-bye.

- Oh, Atticus,

it takes more than fire to destroy the book.

It survives,

perhaps weakened,

but searching for another soul

from which to draw power.

It'll make itself known

to whomever needs it most.

The insecure,

the desperate,

the feeble...

they will comfort

in the bosom of the book.

Then there will be chaos.

[laughing maniacally]

[Atticus]: And... that's a good thing?

♪ I walk the lonely

♪ Dead-end streets

♪ In search of beer

♪ And hamburger meat

♪ Feels like I'm one

♪ Of those endangered species

♪ I got no home

♪ And I'm diseased

♪ Oh my God

♪ Here it comes again ♪