All language subtitles for The Franchise S01E01 - Scene 31A Tecto Meets Eye (Awafim.tv)

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♪ (UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC
PLAYING) ♪

(SCANNER BEEPING)

(SCANNER BEEPING)

(SCANNER BEEPING)

(INDISTINCT CLAMOR)

CREW MEMBER: (OVER MICROPHONE)
Stand by.

DANIEL: All right, background,
listen up.

Fish People, find an eye line
to the second moon.

Moss Men, camera right
of the temple ruins. Thank you.

I'm sorry,
I wasn't really listening.

So I'm-- I'm having
a bit of difficulty...

Fish head, man legs,
second moon.

Thank you. All right.

Daniel. Dag, the new third.

Oh, hey. Nice to meet you.
Where are we on lighting?

Also, talk to catering.

- No soup for the Fish People.
- (OBJECT THUDS)

Yeah, I don't want...
Quiet on set!

...fluids on their scales.

- Adam, mate. How's your morning?
- Try this.

Turkey meat, Muscle Milk,

it's like Thanksgiving dinner
on steroids.

Wow, turkey on steroids.
Gobble, gobble.

Mum. No, sorry, bye.

- Do me a favor.
Go and smell Gary.
- Smell him?

- Gary, the boom guy.
- (OBJECT THUDS)

I need to know if he's...
Quiet on set!

...drunk or high or both.

Dan, we have a Fish Person
in a panic spiral.

I'm sorry, I think
I'm having a panic attack.

- I think it must be the latex.
- (WALKIE-TALKIE BEEPS)

Boz, how long 'til we wrap
the Fish People?

- BOZ: About an hour and a half.
- Twenty minutes.

Can you give me twenty minutes,
mate? Yeah, try this.

It's kiwi and passionfruit.
All right.

So, I smelled Gary.
I think weed.

Okay, great. High is good.
He can operate when he's high.

Can you interrupt me
in six seconds?

Peter, good sir.

Oh, Dan,
I've got a joke for you.

- Probably not okay but fuck it.
- Great, hit me.

So, a transsexual goes
into a swamp--

- Daniel, bit of an emergency.
- Hold that punchline.

Emergency, nurse! Good work.
Where are we on lighting?

Also, do not let Peter
finish that joke.

(TRUCK BEEPING)

Holy fucking shit,
the studio's on fire!

♪ (MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) ♪

- Okay, it's just some houses.
- ♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC RESUMES) ♪

- DANIEL: We're back, everyone.
- (TRUCK BEEPING)

Please ignore
the burning houses.

Daniel,
I think Eric's concerned.

He's very white,
even for a German.

- I'm concerned.
- DANIEL: That's concerning.

Daniel, I'm concerned.

My big waterfall scene,
16 set-ups.

- I don't think we'll get it.
- DANIEL: Eric, trust me.

- You have my word. We'll get it!
- Good.

(BELL RINGS)

Yeah, we're not gonna get it.
Absolutely no way.

Today's a fireball
and it'll kill us all.

Shane is online.
He may have notes.

Shane is online.

Great. Excellent.
Keep me looped.

- God, I love my life.
- Fish Man incoming.

- DANIEL: Outstanding.
- I just really want this off me!

Easy, easy.
That's four hours in the chair.

Look, I don't know
if you know the comics.

I do. It's the last thing
my dad read to me.

And, sir, I would switch places
with you in a heartbeat.

'Cause you're a Fish Man!
Yeah?

- (SIGHS) Yeah.
- Thank you.

JAZ: Fish Man travelling.

DAG: Oh my God,
was that actually real?

Well, my dad is dead,
but he was more into sports.

Where are we on lighting?

Update from Shane.
Shane has no notes.

Shane has no notes.

Great, well, thank you
for conveying his lack of input.

JAZ: Lighting is set,
lighting is set.

Okay, we are set
for rehearsal, everyone.

We are rehearsing.

- CREW: Rehearsal!
- We set on camera?

- HORST: Set!
- Okay, let's bring up the wind.

- CREW: Bring up the wind!
- (FANS BLOWING)

Okay, we're good on atmos.

Go water.

CREW: Go water!

DANIEL: So, just another 83 days
and then we're done.

Let's savor every moment.

(THROUGH MICROPHONE)
Fish helmet!

And... action!

♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

ERIC: And finally, we come
to the heart of the matter.

Meeting of the elders.
Eye. Tecto.

Magic hour,
the sun has just set.

All dusky.

Everything's so fucking dark
these days, isn't it?

Restaurants. Mad.

ERIC: And the blue screen,
a thunderous waterfall.

Yes, love it, love it.
How thunderous?

Can we show Adam the pre-vis?

Yeah, looking up
for the pre-vis.

Looking up to the pre-vis,
folks!

Yeah, yeah. Holy shit.

(LAUGHS) Wow, that looks great.

(LAUGHING) Why am I walking
like that, though?

ERIC:
Obviously, the walking is weird,

but the swagger is interesting.

- Mm-hmm.
- Swaggering, but anxious.

Okay.

- Like a panther...
- Oh.

...on its way
to a job interview.

- Wh... what?
- ERIC: Well, not that, but that.

Can you take me there?

In a walk.

I'm Tecto, bitch. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, that's last looks, everyone.

- Thank you.
- Last looks, folks. Thank you.

Heads up, we don't really
say "folks," yeah?

We're not line dancing.
Not to be a dick.

Thirty-two percent
sleep efficiency.

- Oh.
- No wonder he's fussy.

Eric. I bought him a sleep ring.

Just to monitor his well-being.

Would love to get him
horizontal.

- Very, very pro-nap.
- Why is that there?

STEPH: Sorry.
Pat Shannon's coming.

Cheese and crackers.

ERIC: Okay, sure.

Not panicking. I'm--
Just take five, everyone!

- PA: Take five!
- I am cold as ice.

Justin, it's me.
Pat Shannon's here.

Repeat, repeat, repeat.
The Toy Man cometh.

- Do you want me to ask the boy?
- Negative.

Do not engage the boy.
The boy is not a boy.

Steph, I need you to wrangle
Eric back to his trailer.

Oh, I am angling
for a wrangling.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Eric! The studio's
coming to see you today.

Pat Shannon's personally coming
to see you.

- (DOOR CLOSES)
- So... (SIGHS)

...the day hath come,

when the suits shall flutter
down from the trees.

Thoughts towards a new ending,
Steph?

Oh, Eric, gladly.

Why is he here?

He's apparently in town
to launch some new inflatables

at the European Toy Convention.

(SCOFFS) My God, the banality.

The money man. God's Rottweiler.

Some say he can't read.
That's sad.

So, while Pat's in town,
how do we feel about

a little extra lighting?

Ah!

So you want me to do
my little dance for the Toy Man.

And you clap and spank me
and we all laugh.

Never.
We'd never laugh or spank.

Look, I don't think this,
but we already know

the studio thinks
the movie's too dark, so...

(SCOFFS)

They know what I am.

I'm a weird, difficult guy.

I look like
this hipster chinos man

who goes to Muji to buy a towel,
but I'm not.

I'm strange and I'm serious.

I don't know how to think
like the kind of guy

who washes his car,
eats a chicken drumstick

with his wife,
and then has a bath.

If that's what they want,

hire Ron Howard.

Church. And Eric,
if the studio tries

to muck about
with your vision in any way,

I will cut my heart out
with a sushi knife.

- (SIGHS)
- Won't we, guys?

Absolutely, one hundred percent.

Sorry, this is literally
my first day, so...

Call Justin. I want my producer
here to fight my corner.

Justin's cutting short
the Morocco scout.

He's coming straight back.

Look, Eric.

A little bit of extra lighting

will buy you
the relationship capital, yeah?

So then you can make
the movie you want to make,

but behind the movie
they think you're making.

All that stuff about the planet,
about fracking--

I do want to say something
about fracking.

But there can be no more light.
There's no light source.

DANIEL: Mm.

Unless...

there's a second sun.

Not sunset...

but sunrise.

STEPH: Oh, bravo.
He's done it again.

That's why you won
the Golden Leopard at Locarno.

You know, this is really
good stuff, Eric.

- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Suck his dick, Greta Gerwig.

DANIEL: Okay, we need
to clean house

for the big visit,
so smell Gary again.

If he still smells of weed,

speak to wardrobe,
have him sprayed.

And make sure nobody shows
Pat around P stage.

What's on P stage?

About 60 live
Yoshino cherry trees

we had imported from Kyoto

and then... (CLICKS TONGUE)
...cut from the script.

The waste!

You could build
a children's hospital.

It's absolutely hilarious.

- Yeah. But what price dreams?
- (TIRES SCREECH)

- Instead of sunset...
- Mm-hmm.

...sunrise.

(GASPS)
But here's the genius part.

Two suns.

Wow, double sunri-- Okay.

Thank you. Maestro.

Done it again.

Breast-fed Ted.
Breast-fed Ted.

Please board
the emergency vessel.

Bah! Bah! Bah!

- All right, fuck off.
- ADAM: Bah! Bah!

PETER: Okay,
let's go now. (CLAPS)

DANIEL: All right, picture's up.
Let's roll sound

- and bring up that wind.
- OPERATOR: Rolling.

The genocidal jockey tip-toed
gently past the baby's coffin.

Okay, and...

action.

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

ADAM: (LOUDLY) The great Eye,

reduced to begging

before the Council
of the Moss Men.

(LAUGHS) For a man
with second sight--

Sorry, why are you shouting?

- ♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪
- Why is he shouting?

I'm not shouting.
I'm-- I'm raising my voice

because we're next
to a waterfall,

- so I would be project--
- ERIC: Okay, cut.

- DANIEL: All right, cut there.
- CREW: Cut there.

Why would we be having
a judicial meeting

next to a waterfall
if we had to shout?

ADAM: That's just how loud
waterfalls are.

- Eric, how loud are waterfalls?
- ERIC: They're deafening.

Dan, can we play in the sound

of the thunderous waterfall
from Fiji?

- No.
- Why not?

‘Cause Milo said no.
(SHOUTS) Milo!

No one told me.

If you need a guide,
you'll have to shout.

Waterfall!

They're like that loud.

Waterfall! Waterfall!

- Waterfall! Waterfall!
- Waterfall!

- BOTH: Waterfall! Waterfall!
- The Great Eye...

- Waterfall! Waterfall!
- And that's the sound

of the water pounding
on the rocks.

- Waterfall!
- Waterfall!

It's a fucking council meeting

to consider
an extradition proceeding.

If it was loud,
we'd be in an office.

But they--
they don't have offices,

because they're 80 percent moss.

And yet they have paperweights
for their paperwork.

I mean, we're not savages.

I'm sorry. Am I getting input
from the stuff

that grows on fucking rocks now?
Can this one go away, please?

I'm sorry, Peter.
I really am. I really am.

But I-- I just really committed
to the idea

- of raising my voice and, um--
- Peter, how would you feel

about meeting Adam halfway,
volume-wise?

Well, I can't, actually,
because I've got polyps

on my vocal nodes,
brought on by TMT.

Too Much Theatre. Sorry.

More like TMV.
Too Much Vino.

So, I think the man is coming.

The studio man?

Wowzers.

He's a... burly man, isn't he?
Big, hurly-burly man.

DANIEL: Eric, I think
tactical lighting break

while we welcome the studio.

Horst!

(IN GERMAN)

(IN ENGLISH)
Is there any swearing

you'd like to do
beforehand, or...

Shitwit.

Cocktangle money fascist.

Fuck-clump cosmic anus
human hambone prick.

Such an imagination.

Granny fucker.

Not sure if you remember,
I was third AD on Thunderon--

Eric Bouchard, The Unlikening.

What a movie. (CHUCKLES)

- Truly, not worthy.
- Oh my God. Wow. Thank you.

Hey, can I get a selfie, please?
My kids will kill me if I don't.

- Of course.
- Yeah? Thanks.

- (SHUTTER CLICKS)
- There it is. Thanks.

No, thank you, man, for letting
me play in your sandbox.

Steph, his right-leg woman.

I wish I could just crack open
your head and drink the juice.

Hand man, woman.

You know what?
Let's go to crafty.

I have the need for feed.
Come on.

(WHISPERS) What?

(NORMAL VOICE) Um,
do you mind dealing with all--

- Yeah.
- DANIEL: Yeah.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Here it comes.
Charge of the Light Brigade.

Oh-ho, the second sun!

- Beautiful! Horst...
- HORST: (IN GERMAN)

ADAM: (IN ENGLISH)
...give me a tan!

(IN GERMAN)

(LIGHT HUMS)

ADAM: Whoo!

Now that is
a luxurious cheese plate, huh?

Right-hand woman.

I do know the difference
between hands and legs.

So, Maestro.

Just to let you know,
professional courtesy,

there has been a genocide.

- Genocide?
- Yeah.

We needed a sweetener
for Centurios 2.

We had a run of dry plot pellets
and we needed a little chutney

to get over that third act hump.

So we massacred the Fish People.

- Chutney?
- (PAT CLICKS TONGUE)

Visceral chutney.

Man, woman, child.
Brutal, devastating, badass.

The Fish People are in my movie.

Oh, sure.

Or are they?

(CHUCKLES) Right.
No, but they are.

Well, all I'm saying

is they've been slaughtered
in the movie

sequentially prior to the one
you're making, so, hmm.

- ERIC: Shane knows?
- BRYSON: Shane knows everything.

Shane's super happy
with how it turned out.

Spectacular. I'm telling you,

it'll blow your eyeballs
out of your asshole.

Shane said the first cut
of the genocide sequence

made him giddy
like a schoolgirl.

Shane loves
what you're doing up here.

I do. Uh, we do.

He does.

In Shane we trust.
Guy's never wrong.

We're blushing.

Sorry. I'm, uh, just trying
to recalibrate

- my sense of the universe.
- Oh, sure.

You take your time, sir.

I get it,
everything's connected.

It's all just one big thing.

The Fish People are carrying
a lot of thematic luggage.

All right.
(CLEARS THROAT) Look.

- ERIC: Napkin?
- PAT: Thanks.

Centurios 2 is our tentpole,
all right?

Without our tentpole,
we don't have a tent.

And without a tent,
we get eaten in our sleep

- by 9-year-old TikTok kids...
- (PHONE BUZZES)

...with superhero fatigue.

Which is not a real illness
and a scam.

- (PHONE BUZZES)
- Excuse me one second.

Yeah, you got 25 seconds.
Start talking or I'm hanging up.

ERIC:
What the fuck just happened?

Tentpole?
Then what the fuck are we?

We're a tentpole. We are.
Tents have many poles.

Where's Justin?
Where's my producer?

I cannot think studio logic.
I'm not a left-brain guy.

Hey, you have two right brains.
Maybe more.

Justin is wheels-up
in Tangier, no later

- than oh-thirteen hundred.
- (SIGHS)

Now, how do we feel about a nap?

I don't want a nap, Stephanie!

I want my fucking Fish People!

Oh, and I want a parking space
and a craft nook.

We're all making compromises.

- Okay, call lunch.
- That's lunch, folks!

- Guys!
- Escort Pat to the taco truck.

Do not let him out
of your sight.

No P stage. We all breathe.

God, this is so rewarding.

Anyone wanna...

hang out for a sandwich
and a chat or...

No?

Okay.

So many Maximum movies.

And thank God. (CHUCKLES)

Toxic Man.
Pretty sure I dated him.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Crimson Splash. Could be a UTI.

Watch the film, see your doctor.

Uh-huh.

Uh, but, uh,
just to make you aware,

very open to something
on the corporate side.

Current role, bad pay,
lots of standing up.

It's kind of like being a cow
or a camel

if they were badly paid,

which I suppose,
in a way, they are.

Excuse me a second.
Could you shut the fuck up?

Are you kidding?

My God, so happy to shut up.

Appreciate it.
All right, yeah, I'm back.

Centurios 2: Chrontinuum Begins.
Cannot wait. (CHUCKLES)

Ah, your chariot, sire!

(EXHALES)

What? What is it?
Are we back on?

DAG: Pat's at the truck.

I just need to sit and eat.

I was up at three
for the commute.

Three? That's a lie-in.

That's a... cool pillow.

Sleep tech.
Not meant to be cool.

What a day.
No wonder you all look so tired.

Today? This is nothing.

You should've been here
the day the rigging collapsed.

That... was fun.

Not for everyone, sadly.
But, nah.

Everything's exactly

- as it's meant to be.
- (PHONE CHIMES)

(GROANS) Hey Siri,
read new messages.

SIRI:
Lucas heard me crying again.

We need to talk to him
about the divorce.

I don't care if you're busy
with your shitty movie

for masturbating fucknerds.

Crying face emoji,

crying face emoji,
crying face emoji.

Everything's exactly
as it's meant to be.

Do you know where
the production office is?

- Anita.
- Sorry, do I know you?

It's Daniel.

What are you, um...

Uh, I'm firsting on Tecto.

(SIGHS) Okay.

Uh, well,
I see you're sleeping, so...

DANIEL: Um, so I, um...

heard that you're producing now?

Oh, yeah,
on the TV side of Maximum.

The League
of Exceptional Jessicas.

Vulture, I think it was,
called it, um,

"one of last month's
top seven promos dominating

the cultural conversation."
So... (CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Right.

No idea.
I've barely even heard of that.

Dag, do you--
You said you needed to--

DAG: Oh, no, I'm good.
Thanks, Dan.

Love your cape.

Thank you.
Not all heroes wear them.

But just so I've got it clear
in my head,

how long are you in town?

- (PHONE BUZZES)
- Sorry, I have to take this.

Yes, I have an update for you.

(SIGHS)

God. You okay?

Brutal.

- What was?
- The way she just cut you dead.

'Cause what's the history there?
Did you two...

This is not an appropriate
third AD interaction, yeah?

So, I need you to just swap
the battery out on that

and...

- charge my vape. Thanks.
- (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)

Peter can't see.

(PANTING)

Peter can't see.

Peter can't see!

- (WALKIE-TALKIE CRACKLES)
- Peter can't see.

Peter can't see.

- CATERER: Hot muffins at crafty.
- Get off channel two.

CATERER:
Sorry, didn't catch that.

Hot muffins at crafty. Over.

Sorry, if we've been massacred,

- do we still get our per diem?
- Just talk to production.

That's a wrap
on the Fish People, everyone.

- Beautiful work.
- (CREW APPLAUDS)

- DANIEL: Is he in there?
- Come on, Daniel.

- He doesn't interrupt your naps.
- (BANGS ON DOOR)

- DANIEL: Eric!
- (DOOR OPENS)

Eric, Peter can't see.

What do you mean he can't see?

From his eyes.
He can't see from his eyes.

He has to be able to see.
He's Eye.

He can't. He can't see,
because we left him

in front of the new sunrise rig
you asked for

and we've sunburnt his eyes.

Sunburnt?

With the lights, yeah.
We've burnt a man's eyes.

But he has second sight.

Yeah, but that's not a real eye
on his helmet, is it, Steph?

His real eyes are the ones
inside his face.

- Those are the ones we've burnt.
- Right. No, that is bad.

- (WALKIE-TALKIE CRACKLES)
- Peter wants a fucking word.

I didn't have time to edit that.

And is this a director thing?

Very much yes. Very, very yes.

Peter, sir,

- how are we feeling?
- It fucking hurts.

And I'm terribly
and profoundly blind,

- but apart from that...
- (CHUCKLES)

Your sarcasm is noted
and appreciated.

Also, this man is my lawyer.

He'll be representing me
for damages.

I'm encouraging him
not to comment at this time,

because English
is not his first language.

Tell me, Peter...

are you familiar with Herzog's
The Burden of Dreams?

Eric, do not dress this up

as some noble sacrifice
at the altar of cinema.

- Look at me.
- Oh, Christ.

You flashbanged my eyeballs,
you spineless fuckhead.

- Can you hear me?
- I'm nodding.

I'm disagreeing, but I'm
respecting your point of view

- and I'm conveying that
by nodding.
- (DOOR OPENS)

Guys? Guys, I think there's
something wrong with my eyes.

Oh, here he is. Yale Boy.

Never seen a bandwagon
he didn't want to jump on.

I-- I can't see properly.

If I look straight ahead,
it's-- it's all weird.

- (ALL GROAN)
- DAG: Holy shit.

PETER: What? What's he saying?
What'd he say?

His eyes are considerably worse
than yours.

- Okay--
- What? No. Is it bad?

- Is it permanent?
- No, it's--

it's temporary, okay?

It's sunburn, but for your eyes.

What? I have eye-burn?

What are you talking about?
They look fine.

No, they don't look fine.
Yours look fine.

Are you serious?
You must be blind

- if you can't see these.
- I am.

My eyes look like the tip
of Ronald McDonald's dick.

Oh, now he's raising his voice.
I thought he had polyps.

Oh, what would you know
about fucking polyps?

ADAM: Oh, actually,
I've been running the numbers,

and we've done about the same
amount of theater, so...

Oh. Oh, now I've heard it all.
You getting this, Victor?

You just perjured yourself,
arsehole!

- (ARGUING CONTINUES)
- Pat's on set.

He's in his chair. He's asking
why we're not shooting.

Oh, Peter, you know what?
I truly respect you. I do.

Especially your work
in the '80s.

Can't be that easy playing
that many races in one film.

But fuck you.

You really want to play
whose theater cock is bigger?

Because I'm packing
an absolute rager.

- (LAUGHS FORCEDLY)
- ERIC: Guys, guys, guys.

The studio wanted more lighting.

Because the culture demands
a saturated aesthetic.

So in a way,

- the culture blinded you.
- Fuck off, Eric.

- Get fucked, Eric.
- ERIC: Sure.

Maybe just keep shooting, but
with bells around their necks,

- so they know where to look.
- The Toy Man is gonna find out.

He's like a shark,
but for mistakes.

Someone needs to tell him.

- Hey, guys. Everything okay?
- Yeah, definitely.

Everything's completely amazing.

Cool. Well, Shane's doing
his hot yoga,

so I've got a couple of moments
to eat my-- Namaste, sir.

I'll action that.

Uh, that's not actionable
right now,

but consider it pre-actioned.

Okay, Pat doesn't know
who any of us are, okay?

Not really,
but once we tell him,

we will always be the people
who burned the eyeballs

of a man called "Eye."

Justin's here at four,
so that's 40 minutes.

We stall Pat
and then we hide behind Justin.

We let him absorb
the punishment.

It's his fucking job.

I wouldn't be uninterested
in this.

DANIEL: So let's just shoot.

- Reshoot the master.
- Yeah.

Just eyes on the prize.

With apologies to all those
currently without eyes.

Bring in Adam and Peter's
stand-ins. I'm ten-one.

Update.

- (WALKIE-TALKIE CRACKLES)
- DAG: Ambulance is here.

Peter and Adam are refusing
to travel together.

Calling in a second ambulance.
Over.

- (WALKIE-TALKIE CRACKLES)
- (SIGHS DEEPLY)

Nice merch.

Oh, hello.

PAT: Thunderon, sound of rumble.

Where it all began.

Yeah, I had the hoodie as well,
which is pretty collectable now,

- but my mum threw it away.
- (SIGHS) Yeah.

Your mom's a very stupid lady.

Yeah, she--
she's actually not very well.

And? (SCOFFS)

Why aren't we shooting, son?

- Lighting.
- Ah.

- You know how it goes.
- Yeah.

My God, of course you know.
You're the Pat Shannon.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

I know what you really think
of me.

Come on.

I'm the thumb-head guy

who botched his high five
with Shane at Comic-Con 2017.

Yeah.

Well...
let me tell you who I am.

'Cause there's above the line,

you know, the actors,
the talent.

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
"Ooh, I'm the talent.

I'm so talented.
Look at me. Ooh!" (CHUCKLES)

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Then there's
below the line, the grunts.

(IN DEEP VOICE)
"Ooh, I'm a grip.

I made a camera dolly."

(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Yeah, whoop-di-shit.

- But you know who I am, son?
- (ZIPPER CLOSES)

I am the fucking line.

I'm the one constant force
in this entire universe,

and I'm totally invisible.

I'm also a grown-up.
I'm here to help you.

I know about P stage.

The overspend.

I also know you're 12 days over.

What else do I need to know?

- (DOOR OPENS)
- JUSTIN: Shannon the Cannon.

- What's up, my man?
- Oh, Justin.

Mr. Producer.

Are you throwing my money around
like it's five years ago?

- (EXHALES)
- Shall we?

Yeah, come on,
let's take a walk.

Relax.

I'll tell him to get fucked.

- Justin's here.
- Oh, hooray.

He's telling Pat to get fucked.
I think we should be fine.

Ah! Here he is.

STEPH: Daddy's home.
The rage sponge!

- ERIC: The human ozone.
- Hey, guys. (SIGHS)

So, uh, I just told Pat
to get fucked.

And I got fired.

Sorry.

What does this mean?

It means I don't have a job.

No, sure, but... for me?

Turning tides, I guess.

They've brought in
a new producer.

Holy moly.

- (PHONE BUZZES)
- My God. HR. Already.

Hi, Shelly.

But you can't fire
the ozone layer.

♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Daniel.

They're taking my producer.

Dialing Shane.

- He's keen to join in.
- STEPH: My God.

Pat is just a stone-cold fuck.

BRYSON: We're all here.
I am entering the tent.

The sound you're about to hear
is a zipper.

(ZIPPING)

Fuck.

Okay, Moss Men,
camera right of the plinth!

Mo-Cap Men, kindly replacing
our Fish People, RIP.

Eyeline to the second sun!

- Mo-Cap Man incoming.
- DANIEL: Great, excellent.

FRANK: I'm sorry,
this just isn't very breathable.

Peaches and cream. Break a leg.

We must shoot, we will shoot!

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

DANIEL: Big stunt tomorrow.
Got the actors up on wires.

High stakes.

- Literal high stakes.
- DAG: Yep.

Also, tell studio facilities

to get those pigeons
off C stage.

The cooing's gonna kill us.

Got it. Banish the pigeons.

Now you get to go home
for approximately 430 mins.

(SIGHS)

(CAR ENGINE STARTS)

Can I just ask?

Why?

Full disclosure,
just not great vibes.

So, this guy Curly works
in the circus for 30 years,

following the elephants around
with a big bucket,

scooping up
all the elephant shit

and at the end of every night
he has to burn it all.

So he goes home reeking
of burnt elephant shit.

And one day his brother
comes to him and says, "Curly,

great news, I've got you a job
at my office.

Decent salary,
you can work regular hours."

(CHUCKLES) Curly goes,

"What?

And quit show business?"

(CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS)

- (LAUGHS)
- ♪ (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Absolute classic.

See you tomorrow.

INTERVIEWER: Peter,
can you describe

the plot of the movie
in ten words?

I'm just gonna talk and you can
use whatever you want.

Now, you asked me
about coming up in theater.

Different world now.

Actors, the craft,
this whole thing now,

"You can't play this
if you're not that."

I can see my PR team,

you know, turning white,
but fuck it.

INTERVIEWER: Can you describe
the plot of Tecto?

It's a story about this guy,
me, uh, Tecto.

I am, um... (CLICKS TONGUE)

...the earthquake guy.

Do-do-do-do.
That, uh, he goes through the--

on a voyage through space with--
to find this guy, Peter,

who plays Eye, as--

Eye as in eye, not I.

He doesn't play me.
I'm-- 'Cause I'm me.

I'm T... I'm Tecto.

Have you ever seen
Sweet and Sour? Buddy movie.

Eddie Murphy.
I play the Chinaman.

My agent calls me, "Peter,
Eddie would like to meet you."

I get to Eddie's place.

Do you know what he has
in the foyer of his house?

A 24-hour international buffet.
I shit you not.

I'm talking a cruise ship
quality buffet.

All the food you could want.

Wanton soup, Thai green curry,
and obviously,

he's got the heat lamps
to keep it all warm.

INTERVIEWER: What's your role?

Uh, I'm first AD.
First assistant director.

It's my job to keep the actors
from, uh, killing...

uh, each other or themselves.

And also,
I work with the director,

sort of assisting his vision.
Uh...

Well, I'm... I'm, uh,
I'm everything.

I... I... I'm Everything Man.

The world's most thankless
superhero. (CHUCKLES)

It was one of the great meals
of my life.

Chili crab cakes, chicken korma,
chocolate fountain.

Obviously, I went back in
for seconds, because you could.

It was buffet style.
No one was counting.

Shame about the movie.

People say
I was very good in it,

but... who knows?

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

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