Original subtitles

I hate all these parties.

>> Come on, it's fun.

Making small talk with your coworkers, sucking up the givvy.

Seeing all your favorite writers, where else could you do that?

>> Tomorrow would work.

>> You know, you're right.

We're putting in for all the time.

[MUSIC]

>> Mm, not bad.

[MUSIC]

>> Marty, Booby, you got two minutes.

>> I got a new Lillian book for you.

>> That would be, this really isn't a good time.

>> It's called Lillian Has Sex For The Very First Time.

It's about this young girl, Lillian.

>> Who has sex for the first time?

>> Bingo.

>> Listen, why don't I think about it and I'll get back to it.

>> Sometimes.

>> Excuse me.

[MUSIC]

>> [LAUGH] Marty, you can't bugger me till you put me a drink.

[LAUGH]

>> What's funny about that, will you tell me?

>> I'll try to keep that in mind.

Why don't you join us?

We're swapping bedwetting stories.

>> You're not saying?

>> Yeah.

>> My folks sent me to England again.

[MUSIC]

>> Hi.

I've been wanting to talk to you all night.

>> You have?

[MUSIC]

>> You have a blue sock stuck to the back of your jacket.

[MUSIC]

>> Thanks.

I guess a party like this really shows you who your friends are.

>> I'm Alana.

>> Hi.

I'm Martin.

>> When did you find it?

>> About two minutes ago.

>> Damn.

>> Cedar won the pool.

[MUSIC]

>> Would you like to?

>> Get some.

>> Go for a walk?

>> Sure.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Marty, there you are.

>> Here we go again.

>> Excuse us, Cookie.

Come on, Marty, buy the book.

I got a goddamn wedding to pay for.

My son, Josh, knocked up the waitress from the Waffle Village.

>> I'm sorry about that, you know, but I

-- >> Please, Marty, don't make me beg.

[MUSIC]

>> Ha!

Fabulous!

Marty!

[MUSIC]

>> I've been kissed by a tunnel.

>> Bless you!

Oh, babe.

Oh, I owe you, baby.

>> Let me -- let me know.

I didn't mean to -- >> What are you waiting for?

>> Over here, we have an office.

And over here, we have another office.

Any questions so far?

>> No.

No, I'm with you.

>> And, well, over here -- >> I'm guessing office.

>> Hey, who's the tour guide around here?

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC]

So that's where all my brooms went.

>> Next to the parent jungle, this is the best tour I've ever been on.

>> Too bad you never kissed her.

[MUSIC]

>> Would you rather go to mine, please?

Or not.

>> It's coming up!

[MUSIC]

>> I fill up the porcelain pits and give ladies terrible fits.

[MUSIC]

>> Yes, Babble's power-back sons work down into those porcelain pits.

[MUSIC]

>> At home, we use it all the time.

[MUSIC]

>> Babble.

>> Damn.

My skirt's on backwards.

>> Ever me?

>> Okay.

I think I have Ajax in my shoe.

>> Alana, darling, there you are.

Time to go home and play "Barry the Bishop."

>> [LAUGHTER]

>> Hello, Marty.

Look what I've got.

Meet Alana.

Easy on the eyeballs, eh?

She danced in that musical with the roller skates.

>> Hi.

Hiya.

Martin Topper.

>> We met earlier.

>> Right.

>> Well, time's up.

No, didn't you?

>> What are our open development issues?

[MUSIC]

>> Good morning.

>> Shh.

Shh.

Please.

>> What happened to you?

>> I had kind of a rough night last night.

>> Tell me about it.

>> Now, listen.

I'm in my office.

If Gibby calls or comes by, tell him I'm not here.

Tell him I'm out for the day.

You don't know where I am and you don't know when I'll get back.

You got it?

>> No problem.

>> Good morning, Marty.

>> If there's one thing in this world I hate, it's a double-crossing dame.

>> Well, well, well.

Apparently, you had a busy evening last night.

>> What do you mean?

>> I think you know what I mean.

>> I think you know exactly what I mean.

Who the fuck do you think you are going behind my back like that?

>> Don't kill me.

Let me live, please.

Punish me, talk to me, but let me live.

>> I'm sorry.

Gibby, I'm sorry.

You know, we had a few drinks and one thing led to another.

>> I don't give a glass of shit.

You don't pull a stunt like that without asking me first.

>> Asking you?

>> Yes.

I'm the one who buys the bloody books around here, not you.

>> What?

>> The Libby Friedman job.

The book you bought last night, our

agent's been pulling my ferret all morning.

>> Right.

Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right.

Right.

Big mistake.

>> No, I should have asked you.

>> Damn right.

>> That was a close call, my friend.

>> So, what did you think of Alanna, huh?

>> I knew things were going too smooth.

>> Don't be thick, Marty.

My lady friend.

Bet you'd like to push that one across the floor a bit, huh?

>> No.

No.

She's not really my type.

I guess you guys are pretty serious, though, huh?

>> No, not really.

But you can't poke the pillow every night.

Now, can you?

Am I right?

Bye, Marty.

>> Chivalry is not only dead, it's decomposed.

>> Wait.

You slept with Gibby's girlfriend?

Are you out of your mind?

>> Come on.

It's not like I slept with Gibby.

>> What?

Were those the two choices?

>> Fuck, I-- >> I know it's fucked, you know, but I really like her.

And nothing, man.

Forget about her and don't see her again.

>> I'm a little late for that now.

>> Aw, shit.

>> She showed up at my door last night.

Does Gibby know you're here?

>> No.

>> I'm not.

>> I'm not.

>> I'm not.

>> You know you're here?

>> No.

>> You set her away.

Tell me you set her away.

>> I did.

>> Do you really have to go?

>> Oh, yeah.

I'm late for rehearsal.

>> Oh, yeah?

>> I am.

>> Oh, man, you are hopeless.

Have you ever heard the expression, "Don't shit what you eat"?

Come on, you slept with people you work with?

>> No, no.

I slept with people who work for me.

>> That's harassment.

What about your producer?

>> Also different.

I was using her.

>> What about that network executive's daughter?

What about her?

>> Okay, so I'm not a good example.

Look, the thing about these situations is they always find out,

and it always ends bad.

>> I'm not going to leave alone.

I won't.

I won't.

>> Hello?

>> Alana, hi.

Look, we need to talk.

>> God, your voice is so sexy.

>> I think you turned on just listening to you.

>> Well, don't.

Don't.

>> Well, if you keep talking, I'm going to have to touch myself.

>> Is it supposed to do that?

>> I don't know, but it's doing it.

>> I just don't think this is going to work.

>> Keep talking.

Reaching under my dress.

>> You want to?

>> Mm.

I'm slipping off my panties.

>> Well, what do we do?

>> Oh.

>> Oh.

>> Martin.

>> Oh, Martin.

>> Alana, we going to dinner, or aren't we?

>> He's there.

>> Hold on.

I'm coming.

>> Your hand is still wet, Alana.

>> Alana, I can't keep doing this, okay?

I mean, as long as you're still seeing Gibby, I can't.

We can't.

I'm sorry.

>> I understand.

I better go.

>> What are you doing?

Put your panties on.

We're late.

>> You can let go now, Abigail.

[music]

>> And as young Lillian sat atop the washing machine,

waiting for her band uniform to finish, the Maytag began to vibrate,

a strange sensation stirred in her loins.

[sniffing]

>> Um, go on, Marty.

>> Wow, she thought.

I feel tingly.

>> Just then.

Is everything all right?

>> She left me, Marty.

Alana left me.

>> Hit me.

I think I'm dreaming.

>> I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, you probably want to be alone.

>> Will you drink with me, Marty?

Drink with me.

>> Uh, since I'd love to, you know,

but I think we're having some birthday cake for Zita.

[sniffing]

>> Don't you forget that he's also a human being.

>> Do you have any sour mix?

[music]

>> I know why she left me, Marty.

I know the real reason.

>> You do?

>> I confess my sin.

I ask your forgiveness.

I'm in the dust at your feet.

>> It's...the testicle.

[sniffing]

Excuse me?

I've only got one.

>> Really?

[screaming]

>> And that's why she left you?

I mean, she told you that?

>> Oh, no, she didn't say it.

No, she told me some crap about how

she didn't love me, and they all say that.

But I know.

I know.

It makes the meal, you see.

The thought of a man with only one plum in his lunch is heck.

>> Come on, Gibby.

It just doesn't seem like it would be, you know, that big a deal.

>> Well, of course it doesn't to you.

You've got a full set.

You've never had to endure the schoolboy taunts, the locker room jeers.

Oh, look, here comes Johnny One-Nut.

>> Kids can be cruel.

>> You know, it'd be one thing if I'd lost it to a shark or something.

Then I'd have a story.

But no.

My little fella just never dropped in to say hello.

I'm sorry.

Look, Marty, I want you to see the root of all my suffering.

>> No, no.

Thank you.

>> Why?

Is my deformity too ghastly for you to contemplate?

>> No, no, no.

I just don't think I really need to see it.

>> Yes, turn away.

Avert your eyes from the abomination between my legs.

>> Okay, fine, fine.

If it means that much to you, then I'll look at it.

>> So you can gawk like I'm some sort of sideshow freak.

>> Sure.

Put me up there between the bearded lady and the man with the kangaroo head.

>> Oh, is that so?

>> I don't know what I was thinking.

>> You've got to help me, Marty.

>> Maybe a doctor would be a better person.

>> No, no, no.

I mean with Elana.

Now, she won't listen to me, but maybe she'll listen to you.

She took a shine to you at the party the other night.

Please, Marty, tell her to come back.

>> I really, really don't think I'm the right-- >> Please, Marty.

Please, help me.

I'm a man with one bowl.

[screaming]

I'll see what I can do.

>> Bless you.

[music]

>> I didn't sleep all night.

I was haunted, not by ghosts, but by a horrible guilt

that somehow all that's happened is my fault.

I'm going to go Xerox Libby's contracts.

Try not to steal anything from my desk while I'm gone.

>> I'll see if I can restrain myself.

Nick?

>> Hi.

>> Elana, Elana, what are you doing here?

>> I broke up with Gibby.

>> I know, I know.

>> So, how do you want to celebrate?

>> Elana, look, I really think-- >> Nadia.

>> Elana.

>> Oh.

>> There, there.

Everything's going to be all right.

>> Marty, may I speak to you for a moment?

>> Martin, do you have a tissue?

>> In my office.

>> Well, how's it going?

Is she going to take me back, do you think?

>> I don't know, Gibby.

She seems a little-- emotional right now.

>> Did she mention the nut?

>> No, no, that hasn't come up yet.

>> You keep at it, Marty.

I'm counting on you.

>> What happened?

>> Well, he kind of hugged me.

>> So he doesn't know?

>> Oh, no, thank God.

Elana, he's not taking this break up too well.

>> I know.

We were up all last night.

I feel so bad for him.

I do.

But when you think about it, don't you think he's sort of a pig?

>> Baby, that's the understatement of the year.

>> I wouldn't say that.

>> I mean, he wasn't always like that.

I mean, when we first met, he was this charming Australian guy

with terrific suits and funny little songs.

>> You sang your songs?

>> Yeah.

But then after a while, I found out how

insensitive and obnoxious he could be, and...

Can we not talk about this now?

>> Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Elana, maybe we should hold off until Gibby-- >> Guys!

>> --cools down a little.

>> You're right.

You're right.

How long do you think?

>> I don't know.

Like, two weeks?

>> Mm.

Mwah!

>> Two weeks starting tomorrow.

>> Yeah.

>> Marty!

>> Yes?

>> It's Gibby.

>> Why did you answer him?

>> I mean, too.

There's a reflex.

Hide, hide, hide, hide, hide.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

>> Oh!

>> Ow!

>> Sorry.

Hold on.

I just have to rinse the spaghetti.

>> Come on, Marty.

I haven't gone all night.

>> Now.

>> Gibby.

Gibby, jeez.

What a surprise.

Where's the spaghetti?

>> I ate it.

What's up?

>> How did it go with Alana?

>> Um... basically well.

>> Any good news?

>> I'm afraid not.

You know, Gibby, maybe-- maybe it's just time to accept it.

[doorbell rings]

[door opens]

[door opens]

>> It's over.

>> Nothing that I could, Marty.

Whenever I go, I think of her.

I see her face.

I smell her perfume.

In fact, I can smell it right now.

Oh, Marty.

Oh, Marty.

It's amazing the tricks of the mind will play on you.

What are you doing?

>> Nothing.

>> Marty?

>> I had no idea you were funny that way.

[laughter]

>> Yeah.

Sure, sir, you're a brass panties garter belt.

It works.

>> That's strange the things you learn about a person when you're busy.

You bastard.

This is Alana's.

Yes.

Yes, it is.

I asked her to lend me a little something

to go with this blue slip that I have.

Bullshit.

Where the hell is she?

Gibby, I have absolutely no idea.

>> Come right here, Gibby.

Alana, what are you doing here?

>> Oh, Martin.

Let's just tell him.

>> Gibby, I'm sorry.

>> It too, Marty.

>> It's fucking too, Marty.

>> Give me, give me.

Give me, give me, wait, wait, wait.

>> I'm sorry.

You will rue the day you cross, Johnny.

What?

>> The one I did was wrong, okay?

But I really like Alana.

You know what?

I think she likes me.

>> Of course she does.

But only because you've got two Joeys in your pouch.

>> No, Gibby, no, it's not the testicles.

This has nothing to do with testicles.

She left you because you're a creep.

>> What?

>> You're a rude and sensitive, obnoxious pig.

She thinks.

>> She said all that.

>> Yes.

Gibby, yes.

I'm sorry.

>> Oh, my God.

Oh, my fucking God.

Do you understand what this means?

This means it's not the nut.

>> Of course it's not the nut.

>> So I've suffered needlessly all these years thinking it was the nut.

And it's really not the nut?

>> No, no, it's not.

>> So she hates me for me, for who I am inside.

>> Pretty much.

>> Motherfucker, fuck them all.

I'm free.

>> Thank you, Marty.

Short of a second testicle, this is the

greatest gift you could have given me.

Hasta banyana.

[MUSIC]

>> Oh, thank God that's over.

>> Thank you.

>> Oh, no, no, not that.

That was wonderful.

I mean, that whole thing with Gibby.

Oh, what was I thinking?

You got me.

>> You know what the worst part about it was?

>> What?

>> He had only one testicle.

>> God bless the odd balls of this world.

Each and every odd one.

Good night.

>> Randal and Hopkirk deceased is next, followed by Timecop.

Then it's a look ahead to the Paris final at the Stade de France

where Barcelona take on Arsenal for the right to be Europe's finest

in Champions League Weekly.