Original subtitles

Well, it's a hot one, folks.

105 here in the Big Apple, or should I say the Big Apple?

Yeah, it's a scorcher.

Hey, did I mention it's hot, but not for me.

I'm here in the studio. Cool as a cucumber.

Somebody ought to shut him up once and for all.

Here's a hot one for you.

[KNOCKING]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's me, Judith.

Surprise.

Hi. This isn't a visit.

I'm just here to get Jeremy's bathing suit.

Richard's flying us up to the Cape for the international -- [LAUGHTER]

It's hot in here.

Hello, Judith.

So why don't you have on the air conditioner?

Oh. Oh, I don't know.

Maybe because it pumps out hot air, you know, shrieks.

Something like this.

[GLASS BREAKING]

Nice, huh?

Yeah, well, why don't you just call Pala Chuchia in and tell him to fix it?

I called him three weeks ago.

He said he'll get to it when he gets to it.

Martin, you know how it works.

You just slip him 100 bucks, it'll be fixed in 15 minutes.

No way. I will not bribe the super to do his job.

Well, if it's the money, then I'll take care of it on the way out

to do the Merry Christmas.

No, it is not the money. You know that. It's the principal.

Well, I hope you and your principal have a very nice weekend.

I'll send you a postcard for the Cape. Bye.

Did I say 102? Try while alive and climbing.

Bye, Judith.

Welcome to hell, New York City.

Next up, we got the trance with disco inferno.

[GROWLING]

All right, Pala Chuchia. Where the hell are you?

[BANGING]

[BANGING]

Mr. Pala Chuchia?

[BANGING]

Hello?

It's, uh... It's me, Martin Tompurn, 502.

What?

[BANGING]

You're not Mr. Pala Chuchia?

Oh, what gave it away? The tits?

Well, it was a hint.

The old man finally retired.

[BANGING]

Moved to Florida, thank God.

Yeah. Yeah. I hated that guy.

He's my father.

Smooth. Smooth.

Sorry.

I'm Deborah. The new super.

Oh.

What can I do for you, Martin Tompurn, 502?

Adopt me. Well, I know you're probably very busy,

but my air conditioner is not a good thing.

My air conditioner isn't working.

And it makes this shrieking noise,

like there's this little hot person trapped inside it.

Well, let's go upstairs and let the little guy out.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Come on, get it up, get it up.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

A little to the right. Like this?

Yeah, that's good. Now put your finger there.

Uh-huh. Twirl it a little.

Now you feel that little valve.

Yeah. I got it.

There you go. That's your screamer.

So this is the little bastard, huh?

Woof.

It's an oven in here.

Yeah. Would you like to?

Take off your clothes.

Do I have a popsicle?

Sure.

Okay.

Red okay?

Great.

[LAUGHTER]

It's so hot.

And it'll get hotter.

Aren't you going to have one?

No, no. It's the last one.

No. Here.

Thanks.

You're dripping a little.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. You got some on your face.

Oh, boy.

You want me to get that?

Yeah!

That'll be fine.

I think he's getting ready to vibrate.

[MUSIC]

Oh, yeah.

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC]

You can't miss.

[MUSIC]

This is reverse.

The best thing about your unit is that it was

rewired back in the '60s. Now, you take McVicca down in 307.

She's still got the original pre-war wiring.

She turns on her microwave and the stereo at the same time.

Kaboom.

But we can fix things together.

It's bigger than both of us. To fight it is silly.

When your heart doesn't nip up, be careful, or you mustn't slip up.

It's bigger than both of us. Our love is a dilly.

It's easy to spot it when you got it.

You're walking on the clouds, high above the crowd, feeling like a hero.

You're doing loop-a-loop. Suddenly it's bing-bang, ceiling zero.

It's bigger than both of us. So don't be defiant.

Surrender to this tender giant. Call love.

[MUSIC]

Oh, it's good to be alive. Everything is serene, peaceful, quiet.

Sorry. I'm almost done.

It's okay.

You know what? What?

Why don't we go out and do something?

Sure. Like what?

You know what might be fun? That exhibit of African mass is at the Met.

You're kidding, right?

Okay. Well, we could walk to the village, right? And browse through some

used bookstores.

I'm not really a big book person.

What did they have in common?

Hey, I know. You want to go over to Queens and watch my cousin's cell demol

ish a building?

I'd soon a drink D.D.T.

Perfect.

[MUSIC]

Is this the Guinness Book of World Records? Is that you, Mr. Guinness?

Oh, yes. I see.

It's not that. I just...

Toby, what are you doing in my office? You have your own desk.

Oh, maybe I like a change of scenery.

Whoa. Shooters. Putting on some weight.

I'm pregnant, Toby.

Oh, yeah. Hey, you know, my mom had kids at your age.

Oh, wait. I think they were grandchildren.

Any messages, Toby?

What, am I your personal secretary?

I've never killed him. I'm not.

Thanks for dropping by. Let's do it again real soon, okay?

All right. Bye-bye now. Take care.

Martin, I just don't understand what your problem with Deborah is.

You've broken up with women before. What do you normally do?

Well... Normally, I stop calling and then try to avoid them.

Unfortunately, she lives in my goddamn lobby, you know.

Well, then your choice is move or marry her.

Thank you, Juneau.

Unless you're prepared to be honest.

I can't do that. I mean, what am I supposed to say?

Uh, uh, Deborah, the sex was great, but you bore the living shit out of me.

And by the way, could you fix my sink?

Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you got involved.

It's been very helpful.

(jazz music)

Uh, hi.

Guess what I got for you. Grounded outlet.

Great. Thanks.

Deborah, can I talk to you for just a minute?

Sure. What about?

Well, it's about us.

You know, I think you're really... Boring.

Terrific. And, uh, you know, but the fact is...

I never want to see you again as long as I live.

This may not be the best time for me to get involved.

Oh, my God. You're breaking up with me.

No. No, no, no. Don't be silly.

It's just I... I may not be around much for the next few months,

and my boss is throwing all this work at me.

Oh, please. You couldn't come up with a better one than that.

No. It's true. It's a big project, you know,

and there's gonna be a lot of late nights

and a lot of early mornings and... Oh, shit!

It's me, isn't it?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

No, it's not you. It's not even me. It's my fucking boss.

I mean, if anybody's breaking up with you, he is.

Fine. Fine. I'm out of here.

Deborah, wait. Deborah. Deborah. Deborah, wait.

You might want this.

What are these, parting gifts?

No. No, it's just some of your things, you know, and I thought... Save it.

Right.

Nice knowing you.

This isn't even mine, you asshole!

[door slams]

[music]

Well, you're home early.

Done with all your work?

I'll take it like a man.

It's just a quick shower and I'm back to the office, you know.

Probably be there all night.

Damn this job.

Oops.

She's gonna fix you.

[music]

[door slams]

[music]

Hey, what was that?

Just a knoll or something.

[music]

Hey!

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

Aren't you supposed to be at work?

[music]

Fuck! I must have overslept.

Oh, boy, am I in big trouble.

Damn!

Geez.

[music]

If you get too much of anyone's thing,

it's a pretty good idea to be healthy .

Oh, come on, sport. Let's get back to home.

[music]

Come on, the coast is clear.

[music]

[clicking]

[music]

A booby trap.

[music]

What will my fans do?

[music]

Is something wrong? What are you looking for?

No one.

What do you mean, no one?

What, are you married or something?

Oh, no. God, no.

It's warm in here.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I like it that way.

I mean, you know what they say about air conditioning, right?

No, thank you.

Can I get something to drink?

Sure. It's tea?

Coming right up.

[knocking]

Satan still lives.

[knocking]

Do you want me to get that?

Get what?

I think someone's knocking.

No. It's those kids next door.

You know, ever since they got that air

hockey table, it's been no rest for me.

Oh. Well, the super.

Geez, what a surprise.

What's the super doing here?

Sorry to disturb you.

I didn't realize you had a date.

Date? What? This isn't a date.

What?

Well, I mean-- Fine, Martin. Why don't you call me when it is a date?

No, no, no. Joanne, please.

Hey, I'm sure whatever Debra Game Four can wait.

Weren't you leaving?

Wrong. Got to fix your pipes.

My pipes are fine.

I don't know. They could go at any time.

There's nothing wrong with my pipes.

Oh. So suddenly you're the expert.

Martin, maybe we should do this some other time.

No, no, no. It's okay. Debra's leaving.

I'll call you when I need you.

Fine.

Oh!

Take your chances.

Ow!

[door closes]

[car horn honks]

[chuckles]

Sorry about that. She's a bit of a-- Alunatic!

Workaholic. You know, always fixing things.

Really? I have to give my super a bottle of chivis

just to get him to come out of his apartment.

[chuckles]

You don't know how lucky you are.

Oh, yeah, lucky me. Lucky-- lucky me.

[chuckles]

So what do you, uh, feel like doing?

[music]

Say, I can use that.

[chuckles]

Huh?

Uh-uh.

Oh.

Now is it a day?

Oh. Absolutely.

What?

Oh, God! I have stuff in my eyes!

Uh... Uh, hold on, hold on.

Hurry!

[grunts]

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

[grunts]

You snake, I'll show you.

Ow! Shut-- Hurry! They're stinging!

[groans]

Okay, okay. Here!

Thank you.

Maybe you should have let her fix your pipes.

And the electrical wiring.

Fuck!

All right, all right. That's it. I've had it.

Get her off! Get her off!

What the fuck are you doing to me?

Nothing.

Bullshit! I want my water, I want my

electricity, I want my fucking air conditioner!

I'll get to it when I get to it.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You'll get to it now.

And if I don't, what are you gonna do, go crying to your mama?

What the hell is your problem, anyway?

My problem is you're a dick.

You liked me just fine when I was hooking up your ceiling fan,

but the minute you got what you wanted, it was bye-bye, Deborah.

What did I ever get from you?

I gave you that pipe wrench.

Well, here.

Hey, hey, that was uncalled for.

Oh, yeah? But what about this?

Hey, hey, if you weren't a woman... Are you crazy?

You fucked me over.

All right. All right, that's it. Come on.

Come on. Just you and me now. It's go time.

Good work. Good work.

Come on.

Come on, champ. Get up.

How are you?

Let's see what you got.

All right. All right, all right.

Just get me there.

Okay. Are you through yet?

Your nose is bleeding. Your eyes closed.

Your two front teeth are missing.

But do you quit?

Ewen, what do you want from me?

You should know.

Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I was a schmuck.

I should have been honest with you, okay?

There wasn't any work thing.

I just... I shouldn't think we were... Watch your tongue, my man.

Right for each other.

Well, you should have told me that in the first place.

All right, all right, okay? I'm really sorry.

Ugh.

Apology accepted.

No, no, no.

So... You think you can turn my electricity and my water back on?

I said I get to it when I get to it.

What?

Come on, Deborah, please. I'm dying up there.

I mean, what do I have to do?

If you don't know, I'm not gonna tell you.

Awesome. Well, I don't know. I don't

know, you know? I don't know what else ...

Don't give me a hundred bucks.

Done.

That's right, New York. Still no end in sight for this record heatwave.

I suggest you stay in, stay cool, and stay with us.

There is no fury like a discarded lover.