Original subtitles

>> Come on, you wouldn't be doing something illegal,

per se, all you have to do is drive the car.

>> Ma, I said forget it, I got a job.

>> Yeah, some job, you don't even have an office.

>> I have an office, I just don't have walls.

>> Admit it, Tobe, you're a pencil sharpener.

>> Look, I'm important here, I got responsibilities.

I make creative decisions.

>> Toby, could you give me some paperclips?

And I need the regular metal ones, okay,

not the little plastic ones like last time.

>> I'll get right on it.

>> Thanks.

Hello, Mrs. Petalbee.

>> How's it hanging, Martin?

>> [NOISE]

>> It is so exciting watching you work.

You're at the top of your game.

>> Ma, will you stop it already?

>> What do you know?

>> Excuse me, can I help you?

>> I'm looking for Martin Tupper.

>> Really, do you have an appointment?

>> Not really.

>> Does he know you?

>> I'm afraid not.

>> Go right in.

>> Ma, I said forget it.

>> Mr. Tupper?

>> [NOISE]

>> Ha ha, a bevy of beauty.

>> Yes.

>> I know you're probably very busy, but

I was wondering if you could take a look at this manuscript.

>> Makeover!

>> I'm sorry, we really don't accept unsolicited material yet.

Toby?

>> Please, I have already been to 22

publishers and you're the last one on the list.

>> Thank you, thank you, that's quite an honor.

>> No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that.

Just take a look at the first page.

I think you're going to like this.

>> Look, our roster is pretty full right now.

Why don't you just have your agent give us a call.

>> Okay, look, I wasn't going to tell anyone this, but it was,

it was written by Theodore Dreykov.

>> Chikalini here may talk like an idiot and look like an idiot, but

don't let that fool you.

>> Look, lady, I'm not an idiot, okay?

Dreykov died two years ago.

>> Yes, I know, I'm Aina Dreykov, his widow.

>> He really is an idiot.

>> My God, I'm very, very sorry.

My condolences, please, sit down.

>> So, so then you're interested.

>> Interested?

My God, I killed Ed at a postcard by Theodore Dreykov.

>> Well, that's good, because this isn't your usual Dreykov book.

>> No.

>> Ted wrote it as sort of a love letter to me.

>> All. >> It's very, very special.

>> Great, great, I can't wait to read it.

I just, can I?

>> Yes, of course.

>> All I'm saying is do yourself a favor, don't have children.

That way you won't have to watch your

daughter flush her life down the toilet.

>> Ma, isn't there some place you gotta be?

>> Well, yeah, I've got my parole guy a tree.

Well, I suppose I could walk slow.

>> Why don't you?

>> All right, I'll call you later, sweetie.

It's been fun.

[MUSIC]

>> This is really special.

>> Is the tone consistent?

>> Yes, they have sex on every page.

>> Wow.

>> First time I ever saw steam heat in print.

>> A new Dreykov book, I mean, do you realize the press this will get?

>> Press, no, no, no, wait, you don't understand.

I can't have Ted's name on this.

>> If we don't put his name on it, I mean, no one's gonna know he wrote it.

>> Exactly, I don't want people knowing Ted wrote anything like this.

I wouldn't even be doing this if I didn't need the money.

I have to be honest with you now, if it's the money you want,

the name is the way to go.

>> No, I'm sorry.

I had a feeling this wasn't going to work out.

[MUSIC]

>> Don't you want to say something?

All right, all right, I'll tell you what, we'll make up the name.

>> Thank you, thank you so much.

>> I'll just clear this with my publisher.

>> No, no, no one else can know about this.

>> No one.

>> I don't know, now you're asking me to lie to my boss.

>> He's not a big fan of that sort of thing.

>> But you'll do it.

>> A lie is the same as the truth if the result is all right.

>> Sure.

>> [LAUGH] Thank you.

You don't know how much this means to me.

>> Bye bye now.

[MUSIC]

>> This is the chance of a lifetime.

Toby, I need a copy of this right away.

>> What do you think of the name Toby Petalby?

>> It's very nice.

Now look.

>> I think it would look good in print on a book like this one.

You know what I mean?

>> No, no, no, no, no.

>> Why not?

I always wanted to write a book.

This way I could skip a step.

>> Absolutely not.

End of discussion.

>> Gee, that's too bad.

I hope I can keep you a little secret.

[MUSIC]

>> Good, hello, partner.

[MUSIC]

>> I haven't been this excited since I

got a hum job from that soprano behind

the Sydney Opera House.

>> So, do you like it?

>> Like it?

Marty, you should get down on your knobby

knees and kiss our little wombat's feet.

Toby, my love, you've just sold yourself a book.

>> This is a dream come true.

When I think of all the hours I spent in my little room typing,

I'm never dreaming I'd get to jam my fish with the whole world.

>> Zip it.

>> Anyway, it's nice.

>> Well, backpacks all around.

>> Canada.

>> So, when do we get to the feet kissing?

>> Blow me.

[MUSIC]

>> The Milk Mate by Toby Petalby.

[MUSIC]

>> Well, I'll tell you, the advanced publicity has been just great.

[MUSIC]

>> Wow.

>> Wow.

>> This was Theodore Dreykov's study?

[MUSIC]

>> I can't believe I'm actually here, you know?

>> I haven't touched a thing since the day he died.

Sort of a little shrine to Ted.

[MUSIC]

>> So it is?

>> It's a little weird, isn't it?

>> Cut me out of here.

>> No, no, no, no, no, don't be silly.

[LAUGH]

>> Wow.

>> So this was his desk, and then this typewriter.

>> Oh, his telephone, and this dead big thing.

>> But wait till you see this.

It's Ted Harley.

>> Really?

It's hard to picture Theodore Dreykov riding a motorcycle.

>> We used to ride together a lot.

He loved it so much.

I'd sit behind him, my arms wrapped around him, and.

[MUSIC]

>> Anyway.

>> Well, I thought you might want a copy of this.

>> Oh, straight to paperback.

Sorry, baby.

>> And here's a little bookmark for you.

>> Thank you.

You don't know how good this makes me feel.

>> Grace.

>> Thanks.

>> Well, I guess I should be going.

>> Wait, I wanna give you these.

They were tits.

>> No, no, no, really.

>> Please, you've been so wonderful, it would really mean a lot to me.

They're tits balls.

[SOUND]

>> You'd save them?

>> He liked to roll them around in his hand when he was thinking.

[MUSIC]

>> [LAUGH]

>> Boy.

[MUSIC]

>> Are you okay?

>> Uh-huh.

I'm sorry.

It's just that I miss him so much.

[SOUND]

>> It's been almost two years and seeing

you there by the desk, hearing the sound.

[MUSIC]

>> It's all right.

>> [SOUND]

>> It's gonna make it.

>> [SOUND]

>> You feel so good.

>> So do you.

[MUSIC]

>> What is your name?

>> Robert.

>> To Robert.

Now let me see.

Roses are red, violets are blue.

I wrote a book and sold it to you.

>> This is exciting.

Feel my nipples, Marty, you could cut glass with them.

>> No, no, thanks, I'll pass.

>> I'm starting to get writer's cramp in my dairy ear.

>> Marty, be a good little editor and get out of this pedal, be a new chair.

>> Thank you. >> That chair is perfectly fine.

>> Now Marty, will you make Jackie Collins in a chair like this, would you?

>> Yes, well, there's one very big difference between Toby Petalbee and

Jackie Collins.

>> Yeah, Jackie Collins couldn't keep a secret to save a life.

That red one over there on the display looks comfy.

[SOUND]

>> Fine.

>> Is it good lad?

>> Yeah.

>> Interested in saw, Dolly?

>> Yes.

>> Hey, hot stuff, coming through, hot stuff.

Hey, have a white buddy watching, just a minute.

Hey, look at this.

>> My daughter, the famous writer.

>> Ma, these people are standing in line.

>> No, isn't it wonderful?

[LAUGH]

>> Yes, sweetheart, sign this for grandma.

The girls in her cell are gonna be so jealous.

>> To Nana, she in five to ten, love Toby.

>> Could you move that please?

>> [SOUND]

>> Look at that.

[LAUGH]

>> You got Ma working for you now.

>> Much better.

>> Honey, I'm so proud of you.

>> Really?

>> Yeah, I knew you'd amount to something if you just put your head to it.

[LAUGH]

>> Thanks, Pa.

>> I love you too.

>> I love you too, Ma.

>> See you later, Munchkin.

>> It's very touching, Munchkin, huh?

>> Don't even think about it.

>> What the hell is going on?

>> What are you doing?

I'm gonna pull my fire.

>> Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't want to hit.

>> Put these in my purse.

This is a frame up.

Hey, be careful.

>> I told you, you pelted a judge, baby.

>> Hey, watch it.

>> Martin, while you're standing there,

would you give me a cool glass of water?

[SOUND]

>> They're coming down, yeah.

[SOUND]

>> Let me tell you something.

>> And I'd like a fresca in a bar bottle with a wedge of lime.

Anyone else want anything?

>> New York cell.

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

>> This is one of the most wonderful sensations I've ever experienced.

I feel like a bird.

[MUSIC].

>> I feel the presence of spirits in the room.

>> I know, wouldn't we be a little more comfortable in the bedroom?

>> No, it's so nice right here.

[MUSIC]

Wait, something wrong?

>> I'll be right back.

There's something I need you to wear.

>> Wait a minute, there's something screwy going on around here.

>> Try this on.

>> Smoking jacket, okay.

[MUSIC]

>> Was it?

[MUSIC]

>> He won't mind.

[MUSIC].

[MUSIC].

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[APPLAUSE]

>> No, no, no, it wouldn't be a mini series.

It would just be me on TV sitting in a chair reading from my book.

>> Please.

>> I would watch it.

>> Yeah, you'd be the only one.

>> Hi, you've reached the offices of the Toby Petalby Fan Club.

All our representatives are busy, so please leave a message.

>> What the hell is this?

>> It's an answering machine.

>> If you're looking for my Tupper, you

can reach him at home at 828-5- >> Hello?

Hello?

Okay, that's it.

That's it.

Enough with the goddamn book.

Now look, I gave you letters three weeks

ago that are still sitting on your desk.

Nothing's getting done around here, so keep up the good work.

>> You're fantastic.

>> Yeah, fuck right, geez.

That's what I'm doing here to talk sick.