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I am a rich man.

>> You're bar mitzvah bonds.

>> [LAUGH]

>> Wow.

What are you gonna do with the money?

>> I'm just kicking around some investment strategies.

I figure I'll put my money to work for me.

>> Yeah, you have any ideas?

>> $5,000.

I could buy myself a farm, get a couple of chickens, and lay my own eggs.

>> Well, actually, I was wondering if you had any ideas.

>> Me?

Well, in my opinion.

>> Well, when I say you, I mean you or you and Richard.

>> Or just Richard.

>> Martin, if you wanna know what Richard does with his money, why don't you

just ask me?

>> I don't.

But now that you're bringing up, what stocks

does Richard own, just out of curiosity?

>> No, no, no. Richard doesn't invest in the stock market anymore.

You know, back when he was raising money for his hospital, he had sort of a

bad experience.

>> Took a beating, huh?

>> No.

When he sold his portfolio, he inadvertently triggered the '87 crash.

>> I should have known better.

>> Well, that was informative.

>> Well, I hope I've been helpful.

>> Oh, very.

Yeah, thanks a million, okay?

And bye-bye now.

>> So long, Judith.

>> Okay.

>> I know just how you feel.

>> About what?

>> This whole investment thing.

>> You got awful big ears for a small guy.

>> Kind of makes your head spin, don't it?

>> Like a top.

>> What if I told you there was a number you could call for investment

advice that would double your money?

Like that.

>> Really?

What's the number?

>> There is no number.

That's my point.

>> What are you talking about?

>> There is no number yet.

That's where I come in.

1-900-555-TIPS, home of the hottest stock tips in town.

>> Extra, extra.

Read all about it.

>> How's the mail coming in?

>> Look, Martin, I'm telling you, these numbers are like gold mines.

If I charge a dollar a minute, I'll be

a millionaire in like a million minutes.

>> Toby, you can't just start a business.

First of all, where are you going to get the money?

>> That's where you come in.

>> Pardon me?

>> Well, I hear you're looking for an investment, and since you're a good

friend, I'll let you in on the ground floor for, say, $5,000?

>> That's very generous, but no thanks.

>> Hey, come on, Martin.

In 11 years, have I ever asked you for anything?

>> Yes, yes, all the time.

>> Well, then this is my chance to do something for you.

>> Thank you, but I'm not interested.

Toby, could we just drop this, please?

>> You know what the trouble with you is?

You got no vision.

If you would have invested that quarter in my business, it'd be worth 50

cents at no time.

Instead of a pack of gum, you could be buying M&Ms or potato steaks.

>> Hey, I took a seminar.

I got my business plans, my budget.

I even got an expert from the Columbia Business School to work the phones.

>> No, that's not what I mean.

I mean, it's not a bad idea, actually.

It's a matter of business sense.

Some people have it, and some people don't.

I just don't think this is right for you.

>> Oh, why not?

Come on, Martin.

Give me a chance.

For just pennies a day, you could make a difference in my life.

I could be someone.

Walk tall and proud.

Please, won't you help?

>> Look into my eyes.

I'm afraid to.

>> Toby, I -- >> Please, Martin.

>> Look deeper.

>> You won't regret this.

And don't worry.

From now on, you're out of the loop.

I'll make all the decisions.

You'll be the silent partner.

You just sit back, relax, leave the driving to Toby.

>> Actually, feel free to keep me informed.

After all, I have a little more experience in the business world,

and I'd hate to see you -- >> Run us all into bankruptcy.

>> Struggle unnecessarily.

>> Okay.

We'll see.

I really appreciate this.

Thanks for believing in me, Martin.

>> As I always say, fellas, doing a good deed is rewarding itself.

I like that.

>> This isn't going to bounce, is it?

>> What do you think you're doing?

>> Making a phone call.

>> Not at my time.

>> I don't pay you to make personal calls.

>> Pay me?

You haven't paid me in two weeks.

>> Hey, look, I told you I'm having a little cash flow trouble.

That's all.

>> You know what?

Fuck this.

I'm out of here.

>> Hey, wait.

How about instead of a salary, I'll give you 5% of the profits?

>> I can make more money selling my blood.

>> Oh, fine.

Leave.

Hey, who needs you?

See if I give you any references.

>> 555 tips?

How does tips attack?

>> Toby, hi.

It's Judith.

I heard about your service, and I thought I'd try it out.

>> Oh, so did Martin put you up to this?

>> No, no, no, no, no.

>> No.

Anyway, I have some money I'd like to invest.

>> So is there someone that I could speak to?

>> Well, that would be me.

>> Okay.

I'm interested in a low-risk stock with high-growth potential.

>> How much money are we talking about?

>> It's $300,000.

>> Oh.

>> Did I say 100,000?

Wishful thinking.

I meant 3,000.

>> Would that be in big bills or 5s and 10s?

>> It's in the bank.

>> Well, that sounds good to me.

Of course, that's just my opinion.

>> Get more specifics.

>> Yeah.

Any specific stocks or companies you could recommend?

>> Hello?

>> I'm thinking.

>> Uh, $3,000.

You know, if you're interested, I am always looking for investors.

>> Whoops.

There's the door.

I got to go.

Thanks so much.

Good night.

Well, easy come, easy go.

>> Well, I don't want to clear everything up.

[ Music ]

>> You are transported.

>> Morning, Toby.

How's the business going?

>> You spoke to Judith, didn't you?

>> Yes.

Yes, I did.

What are you doing giving investment advice?

>> It was a one-time thing.

The phone was ringing off the hooks.

It was a pendulum.

>> Oh, yeah?

What happened to your expert from Columbia?

>> He was at lunch.

>> Lunch?

Really?

At 8.15 P.M.?

>> Who are you, dragnet?

>> Yes, ma'am.

>> No.

>> Don't worry.

I got it out of control.

>> How many calls have you had?

>> Oh, scads.

>> Put it down.

>> Can you give me a number?

A hundred?

>> No.

>> Twenty?

>> No.

>> Six?

>> 126.

>> You're a liar.

>> Okay.

You're obviously having some problems.

I'm going to go down there tonight and I'm going to straighten things out.

>> No.

Forget it.

>> Toby, I put $5,000 in this business.

>> You're the silent partner.

Why am I still hearing you?

>> I think I have the right to protect my investment.

>> No, you don't.

>> Why not?

>> Let me explain with the hypothetical analogy.

Pretend that instead of investing in my

business, you invested in a button company.

We make all kinds of buttons.

Big buttons, small buttons, red buttons, green buttons, round buttons.

>> I got it.

I got it.

It's a button company.

>> Okay.

Now pretend that this button company, instead of making buttons, is a small

telephone business.

>> What?

>> Mine.

>> Uh-huh.

>> Is that making it any clearer to you?

>> What the hell are you talking about?

What does this have to do with buttons?

>> I think you're missing the point.

>> Which is?

>> Which is get off my back.

I am perfectly capable of running my business myself.

>> Look, Toby -- >> No, I don't want to hear it.

At 555 tips, I'm the boss.

You got it?

Now at Mike's Zone, you're the boss.

So if you want me to make copies or get your coffee, that is my job and I

will do it gladly.

>> Okay.

Fine.

Fine.

Could you make me a copy of the Levine file?

>> Do it yourself.

[ Music ]

>> 555 tips.

>> I'm not going to do it.

>> I'm not going to do it.

>> I'm not going to do it.

>> I'm not going to do it.

>> I'm not going to do it.

>> I'm not going to do it.

>> I'm not going to do it.

>> I'm not going to do it.

>> I'm not going to do it.

>> I'm not going to do it.

>> I'm not going to do it.

>> I'm not going to do it.

>> I'm not going to do it.

>> I'm not going to do it.

>> I'm not going to do it.

>> I'm not going to do it.

>> 555 tips.

Home of the hottest tips in town.

>> What are you wearing?

>> What do you care what I'm wearing?

>> Are you wearing rubber panties?

>> No.

What are you, some kind of freak?

>> Yeah.

Yeah, I'm a freak.

>> Well, stick your head in the oven.

>> Maybe I should.

Should I take my inner pants off first?

>> That doesn't.

I'm calling the cops.

>> Wait a minute.

Isn't this the S&M chat line?

>> S&M chat line?

>> I'm sorry.

Wrong number.

>> Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

Don't hang up.

Yes.

>> S&M chat line?

>> Oh.

>> So, where were we?

>> Well, you want some pain?

>> Yes.

Oh, yes.

>> Okay.

Bend your fingers back.

Hard.

>> Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

>> Now bang your funny bone on the table.

>> Oh!

>> Again!

Not so funny, is it?

>> Oh, hurt me.

Hurt me, hurt me, hurt me, hurt me.

Oh, yes.

Oh, I love you, Mommy.

Oh!

>> Should I keep going?

>> No.

I'm finished.

Thank you.

>> Okay.

Nice talking to you.

Gina?

It's Toby.

It's Sister Toby.

Look.

I got an idea.

[Music]

>> For my, by the way, the number is 4751550.

Hi.

What's your question?

>> Hi.

I'm Yanko from Queens.

I would like Virginia to please reveal her secrets for acting success.

>> Oh, sure.

Delightful.

Delovely.

Delicious.

>> Okay.

So here's where your interview technique's different.

You never lick your guest nipples.

He's not on the app.

[Laughter]

>> Oh, really?

What do you mean?

Another smile, Faith.

Hey, look, man.

Your mom's on TV.

What are you, 12?

>> I'm Lola.

Call me and I'll teach you a lesson.

>> Ow.

>> Get him.

Get him.

[Laughter]

>> Oh, man.

>> Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Look.

There's your sister.

>> Get out of here.

>> I'm Ginger.

And I'll get you so hot, your head'll explode.

>> Oh, really?

>> Whoa.

>> Just call.

I'm Toby and I got an attitude.

I got the kinky ass.

Oh, thank you.

>> Holy shit.

>> Call 1-900-555-Whips.

You'll be sorry it did.

Dial now or else.

>> 495 a minute.

See how blessed one you are.

>> You asshole.

You didn't tell me it was a phone sex business.

>> Shut up.

[Phone ringing]

>> Whoa.

[Phone ringing]

>> Hello?

>> A phone sex line?

Now you're running a phone sex line?

>> No, no.

I'm not running -- >> Don't give me that.

I just saw Toby on TV.

How can you support that?

That smut.

Have you no morals, no decency?

>> Judith, what are you doing watching the Naked Channel?

>> I -- I -- I -- >> I love -- >> I wasn't watching.

I was just, you know, flipping through the channels and -- Uh-oh.

Call waiting.

Got to go.

>> I -- [Laughter]

>> What are you doing?

>> Just a second.

>> Oh, yeah.

Hi.

My name is Martin and I've been very naughty.

>> Give me that, Betty.

Hang it off.

Hang off the phone.

>> Well, it seems I -- I can't stop touching myself.

>> Betty.

>> Eddie.

>> Uh, what?

You're going to do what?

Really?

Well, I could really get into that.

>> Hey, what's that bulge in your pocket?

>> Give me that.

>> I want to talk to Toby.

>> Hi.

I'm not getting your hat.

>> Gina, is that you?

>> I won't be anybody you want me to be.

>> This is Martin, Martin Tupper.

I want to talk to Toby right now.

>> Well, she's busy.

Why?

I ought to -- >> I'd be happy to finish you off.

>> No, no, no.

I don't want to be finished off.

>> Okay.

Have it your way.

Thank you for calling.

[Phone ringing]

>> 555 Weeks.

Home and the heart is whipped and down.

>> Toby, what the hell is going on?

I do not approve of this.

>> Tough nuggies.

>> Fuck.

>> 555 Weeks.

>> Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Do not hang up, Toby.

You and I need to talk.

>> Sorry.

Wrong number.

>> Never trust a telephone.

Come yourself.

>> I'm going down there.

Lock up for me, will you?

>> Hey, no problem.

>> Uh, Martin, Martin.

>> What?

>> The phone.

[Music]

>> Uh, yeah, hi.

I'm naked.

[Music]

>> Yes, I'll bite the inside of your cheek,

you know, like you was chewing something.

>> Yeah, I'm six feet tall.

>> How's that?

>> I'm going to fuck you so hard, I'll get you pregnant.

>> Five, seven, 110 pounds, long blonde hand, I'm a cheerleader.

Want some head?

Oh, Martin, what's another word for penis?

>> The gold ink shrimp.

>> Excuse me, Toby.

>> So did you like my commercial?

>> Do you have a minute, please?

>> I'm kind of the customer.

>> I don't care.

Hang up that phone right now.

>> Martin, please, give me a break.

I'm trying to create a mood here.

Oh, oh, oh.

>> Take over online, too, would you, ma?

>> Oh, oh, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh.

>> It's all right, she didn't bark.

>> What are you doing here?

>> What am I doing?

What are you doing?

>> I'm trying to run a company here.

>> Yes, yes, I know, a phone sex company.

>> Oh, and you got some kind of problem with that?

>> As a matter of fact, I do, yes.

I refuse to support this or any other kind of pornography.

>> Oh, really?

Then why were you watching the Naked Channel?

>> I wasn't watching, I was just flipping through the channels.

>> Oh, so now since you're a crusader, should I get rid of the pence house

in your desk?

>> Look, morality aside, you had no right to change the format.

I gave you that money for an investment hotline.

Not this.

>> We tried your method and it went down the toilet.

>> Who do you mean my method?

What's your idea?

>> Hey, Told, I got a guy in a diaper on three.

Can you take it?

>> Give it to Aunt Vera.

>> How's that?

>> You know, why can't you give me any credit?

You should be thanking me.

We're finally making money.

>> I don't care.

I don't care how much money we're making.

>> Well, then you're not a very smart business man, are you?

>> Look, either you give me back my money or you do what I say.

>> You know what the trouble with you is?

You can't take it that I'm in charge.

>> No, no, no, no, that's not it at all.

>> Oh, yeah, then what is?

Huh?

Huh?

>> Well, it's -- it's -- >> Just answer the questions.

>> It's a matter of corporate accountability.

As an investor, I have certain rights

and you have certain fiduciary obligations.

>> Oh, Loney, admit it, Martin.

You think I'm dumb as a stump.

>> Yes, ma'am.

>> All right.

All right, you want to know what I think?

I think that occasionally you lose sight of your limitations.

>> My limitations?

>> Yes, yes, that's right.

>> Oh, I see.

Well, let me tell you something.

How smart am I supposed to look when

all I do is type and file and make coffee?

You know, just because that's all you see me do, that doesn't mean that's

all I can do.

And if you don't understand that, you're the one with the limitations.

>> Oh, I can't put your face in that room.

>> Oh, oh, listen, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but I got a shoe fetish

emergency on five.

>> I'll get right to it, ma.

See yourself out.

>> This is going to be one movie without a happy ending.

>> You know.

>> What do you want, shoe boy?

You're a heel.

I'm going to make you wear clogs that are three sizes too small.

>> Oh, you don't think I will.

>> Morning, Toby.

How was your weekend?

>> Fine.

>> Okay, look, I want to talk to you about the other night.

Okay, I underestimated you and I was

way out of line and I just -- I'm sorry .

And these are for you.

>> No, I have something for you.

You have money.

>> No, no, no, no, I didn't mean all that.

You know, I was just upset about everything.

Just give it to me whenever.

>> I have the cash right here.

But if you want to stick it out, see what happens, the choice is yours.

>> Don't you think you've had enough of that?

>> Well, maybe it's for the best.

I mean, it's not worth risking our relationship over a few thousand dollars.

>> Okay, then.

I accept your apology.

>> Thank you.

>> And as a gesture of gratitude and goodwill, here's an extra hundred.

>> No, really, that's not necessary.

>> Consider it a return on your investment.

>> No, no, absolutely not.

I'll take the $5,000, but whatever profit you made, really, you deserve it.

>> Okay, if you insist.

>> Well, we got the whole enchilada.

>> Guess it's back to work, huh?

>> Well, good morning.

>> Good morning.

>> Can I help you?

>> I don't think so.

Ms. Petalby, did you sign all the necessary papers?

>> Sure did.

>> Here you go.

>> Thank you.

And here is your $25,000.

Pleasure doing business with you.

And I mean real pleasure.

>> Who's that?

>> The diaper guy.

He liked the phone sex so much, he bought the company.

>> What?

>> I told you you should have stuck it out a little longer.

>> Ten seconds!

>> My business senses old timing.

Some people have it, some people don't.

>> Why does the law always work for the guilty?

>> Oh, by the way, Martin, you know of any good investment tips?

[ Music ]

>> All right.

We're through.

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