Original subtitles

>> Hi, Dan.

Did I miss anything?

>> Yeah, that's right.

>> Just the anthem.

>> Who's Malcolm Jamel Warner?

>> You know who that is.

>> Beer?

>> Oh, real beer.

>> But give me one of these.

>> Oh, no, you don't.

>> It's light beer for you.

>> Gay, isn't it?

>> I'm tired of drinking that rainwater.

Can I have half of one of these?

>> All right.

>> But no cake tonight.

>> Who are you, the president?

>> So, Martin, how's it hanging?

>> I'm not sure.

>> Fine, thanks.

>> We're going to have these again?

>> Yeah.

Mickey, you got a fuzzball on your face.

>> What?

>> You got a fuzzball on your face.

What, you got another one in your ear?

>> Where?

>> No.

>> I get it.

>> On the other side.

>> Now come close to me, wifey.

Come close to me.

>> So, Roger, you ever been married?

>> No, I'm not the marrying kind.

>> Oh, I'm not the marrying kind.

>> Oh, I'm not the marrying kind.

>> Oh, Martin, guess what we did today?

>> You can't wait another word.

You can't wait another word.

>> Can't imagine.

>> I bought him some slippers?

>> No, after that.

>> The golf.

>> You're dead.

That's like an old lady.

>> This guy spent so much time in the sand

trap, we might as well go under the beach.

>> Don't you listen to this lousy cocksucker?

>> What was that word again?

>> No, that's a great place you got here, Roger.

How many bedrooms?

>> Just one.

>> But this is a pullout.

>> No, it's not a pullout.

>> Hey, I'm finishing this entire beer.

Try and stop me.

>> It's up to you.

I'm not the one who's got to get into your pants.

>> Can I use your bathroom?

>> No, down the hall.

Knock yourself out.

>> Grabowski's on the mound.

>> Whoa.

>> Didn't he pitch yesterday?

>> Not last week.

He's beating that guy with the bass and money.

[music]

>> Man and wife?

>> Nope.

Both men.

[music]

[music]

[music]

>> Very gay.

Fuchsia and blue.

>> Blue and who?

[music]

>> Me?

I'm an oil man.

A very unusual oil man.

[music]

>> Well, wherever there's smoke, there must be somebody smoking.

[music]

>> Wait till you see the baby's room.

We've got Roy Lichtenstein doing a mural on the ceiling.

>> No kidding.

>> And Richards bringing back a crib in an Aboriginal tribe hand-carved from

back bush cork.

>> Jeez, I'm sure that's lovely.

>> You know, they say the luster sparks creativity in the--

>> Judith, could you just shut up, please?

>> Excuse me?

>> I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you know.

I'm just a little on edge about my father.

[inaudible]

>> Martin, I understand that you're feeling

a little excluded from your father's life.

>> No, no, no, no, that's not quite it.

>> No, I think it is.

I mean, your parents have split up and they're finding new interests

and then naturally you're going to be feeling a little jealous.

>> Believe me, believe me, I'm not feeling jealous.

>> Well, that's what I'm sensing.

>> Well, since this, Judith, my father's gay.

>> What?

>> He's gay.

My dad's gay.

And his boyfriend, Roger, you know, he's gay too.

>> Okay, hold on here.

Just back up a second.

When did he tell you this?

>> He didn't tell me.

I had to figure it out for myself from

the light beer and then the fuzzball and--

>> A very unusual old man.

>> Believe me.

>> He's gay.

>> Okay, okay, let's just say for a minute that he is gay.

>> Now don't say that.

Don't say that.

Why did you have to say that?

>> What do you want me to say?

Do you want me to say that he's not gay?

>> Yes, yes, yes I do because he can't be gay.

You know why?

Because he's my father and if my father

were gay, then I wouldn't be here, right?

And I know I'm here because I can do this and this and this and this.

>> These shoes are sweet.

>> Sure.

>> Rotten, I think you need to speak to your father.

And don't you ever tell me to shut up.

>> And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment we have all been waiting.

Great.

>> You're here.

Let's eat.

>> Dad?

>> Is Roger here?

>> No, he's still at the track.

>> Good.

Because there's something I -- can we sit down?

>> We'll be sitting down in the restaurant.

>> No, no, come on, dad.

I just want to talk.

>> Fine.

He wants to talk?

Fine.

Talk.

Knock yourself out.

>> Dad?

>> I hope he doesn't pay a lot for that jacket.

>> Dad?

>> I was just wondering, now, are you -- going to be getting your own place

pretty soon?

>> Let's go.

I'm starving.

>> Okay, dad.

I got to ask you, you know, and I'm going to ask you.

Are you -- is Roger?

Are you and Roger -- >> It's 6.30.

We're never going to get a table.

>> Dad?

Are you gay?

>> No, I'm not gay.

>> Geez, dad.

I'm sorry.

You know, I was just -- I don't know.

I don't know.

You could have thought this was crazy, you

know, but I thought you and Roger were --

>> Sleeping together.

>> Well, if you're going to split hairs.

>> Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

You are gay?

>> What?

You check out a ball player's butt once in a while?

Does that make you gay?

You look at an underwear ad and get a little excited.

Does that make you gay?

You sleep with a guy once or twice, maybe in the army.

Does that make you gay?

Technically, fine.

You want to label me?

Label me.

I'm gay.

I'm a gay man.

Happy?

No, no, no, I'm not happy.

I'm nowhere fucking close to happy.

What about your marriage?

What about mom?

What about me and Susan?

Hey, I love you, kids.

I love your mother.

I'd probably still be married if it wasn't for that dope Harry.

And that whole time you were attracted to men.

Not all men.

Your whole life has been a lie, right?

One big fucking lie.

Hey, don't talk to me like that.

I'm still your father.

Are you?

I don't know.

I don't know who you are.

Yeah?

Well, that makes two of us.

Hey, I'm... I'm winging this.

I don't know what I'm doing.

It's all new.

I'm moving to New York.

I'm living with a guy.

He's buying me slippers.

And I'm liking it.

Aw, jeez.

Dad.

I'm sorry if I disappoint you.

No, no, no.

It's not that, you know.

I just... I just want to die.

I just want you to be happy.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Why did you pick me, Joey?

Don't you know I'm the most unlikeliest daddy in the whole army?

Hey, I hit the exacto.

I won 247.

I can come back.

Hold it.

I told him.

You told him, told him?

Wow.

Look at the balls on you.

Has he told you how crazy I am about this guy?

Should we call Don, Daddy, now?

Come on, get off me, will ya?

Are we still gonna eat?

No, he took two buzzes down here to talk about your sex life.

Come on.

Let's go.

[door opens]

Roger, would you like to join us?

Martin, you that okay with this?

No.

No, no.

I was just trying to be polite.

That's okay.

Enough said.

I don't think it makes much difference whose father can like whose father.

There are many more important problems in the world than that.

No, come on.

Come on, I really want you to.

All right, but it's my treat.

Compliments of devil's delight in the seven.

And Martin, one more thing.

You had that?

Don't tell your mother.

Not a problem.

Not a problem.