Original subtitles

Okay, here we go. America's funniest home video.

Yes, kids do do the darndest things. Can I go now?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Oh my God. What? Don't you know who that is?

That's Uncle Bouncy.

It is not.

Sure it is, man. Picture that face singing.

Hey kids, it's Uncle Bouncy time. There's lots of things to see and do and

lots of trees to climb.

Oh, this is most distressing.

I guess I didn't recognize him without the pig puppet.

Oh, this is sick.

I gotta have this on my show.

No, no, you are not putting that on television.

Come on, if the poor guy has to pay for

a blowjob, it's his own private business.

Private? The guy was in a fucking alley.

He was practically begging to be caught.

Actually, you would be helping him out.

This is a lovely side of you.

What, you want money? I can get you money.

Weren't you leaving?

I'm thinking of a number between 200 and 300 thousand dollars.

Hey, that's a lot of money.

Holy shit. I'm telling you, man.

Hot copy just paid 80 thousand dollars for the tape of that bungee jumper

getting his legs ripped off, and he wasn't even famous.

One can't use a checkbook for a conscience.

Forget it. What's wrong with you?

Hey, it's Uncle Bouncy getting a blowjob.

What channel is this?

Jeremy.

I hate that guy.

Jeremy was on the Uncle Bouncy show when he was seven.

And he called me Jeremy.

Oh, that's real funny.

Hey, hey, stop, stop, stop, come on, give it to me.

It's news. The people need to know.

The people do not need to know.

In fact, the only person who might need to know is Uncle Bouncy.

Maybe if I showed him that tape, he'd be a little more discreet.

Okay, okay. I'll make sure he sees it.

Tomorrow at four o'clock.

Three o'clock central?

I... Okay, kids.

Thanks for sailing with us today.

Now it's time to head for home.

It's time to bounce away.

We'll bounce another day.

But till then, I must say... Goodbye!

Come on, kids. Let's bounce.

(music)

Who the hell are you?

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Excuse me.

See, they told me to wait in here.

What do you want from me?

Nothing, nothing. Just... Well... You don't know me.

Come on, get to the point, pal.

We're all gonna die someday.

Okay.

I happen to be walking around through my neighborhood.

That fucking puppet.

How many guys you know spend 30 years with their hand up a pig's ass?

Eh... Anyway, I inadvertently videotaped you in some...

More accurately receiving some oral... Caught me getting a blowjob, huh?

I love it.

Where?

In an alley. How many public places have you been blown?

More than you, Princess.

Listen, mister, there are children in my neighborhood.

Small children, like my son, used to be.

Point your story. Now screw.

Hey, people want to show this tape on television.

I've been offered a lot of money for this.

Blah, blah, blah. You're not getting a dime out of me.

Unless you want to make a quick 20-sucking on my dick.

Everybody's doing it.

I don't think you understand. I'm doing you a fake...

Well, don't. Go sell your fucking tape for all I care.

Here, you want another million-dollar shot? Roll 'em.

Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy.

Jump on little bouncy. Bouncy, bouncy.

It was that long.

I'm making the most frightful noise.

I'll show him.

He's all yours.

Yes!

For almost 30 years, you've invited this man into your homes.

You watched him sing, you watched him dance, and you watched him bounce.

But never quite like this. Let's watch.

This shocking performance was captured not three days ago

by a concerned citizen with a home video camera.

It's hard to believe that a man who has entertained our children

for so many years would show this kind of disregard for his own...

Look. Hey. Nice camera work, mister dauber.

I used to say I wanted a whole house full of kids.

I really don't think this is appropriate for children.

What's up, biz butt?

Why don't we take another look at that tape?

Can you believe this?

Do you mind if I turn this off?

Go ahead. After the third or fourth time, it sort of loses its charm.

Yeah. Hey!

Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry.

Are we going somewhere tonight?

I'm taking you to dinner.

It may be my last chance before you're too wealthy to appreciate it.

Ta-da!

Oh.

Wow.

You'd think it would feel a little heavier, you know, with all these zeros.

Is something wrong? You're not jumping up and down.

No, no. I'm great. I'm great.

I feel like I'm cheap.

I'm no good. I'm nothing.

A million bucks.

Well, a quarter of that. Anyway.

All right. Ready?

What do Uncle Bouncy and a spider have in common?

They both have a head between their legs.

Hey, I got one. What do Uncle Bouncy and my Uncle Louie have in common?

They both do their best work in an alley.

Did I mention Louie's Ebola?

All right. I'll tell the joke again.

Good morning, everybody.

Hey, Martin. You see Uncle Blow me on TV last night?

I'm going to let you in on a little secret.

I made that videotape.

No way.

Sure. Sure. It was right in back of my apartment.

My son was 10 feet away from him.

How much did you get for it?

No, no, no. This is not about the money.

I did what any responsible self-respecting citizen would have done.

If they paid you any less than two million, you got gypped.

Shalom.

That's all the Mary meant about.

Martin's a hero. He made that tape of that perv Uncle Bouncy.

Is that right? Well, good for you, Marty.

Thank you, Gibby.

You know he's dead. Who's that?

That Bouncy fellow.

I beg your pardon.

Just heard it on the news.

Jumped off a building.

He didn't bounce back.

I guess the joke's on him.

Oh, my God.

What would drive a man who brought so much happiness to so many people

to do something like that?

Why are you looking at me like that?

Cadolences continue to pour in from around the world

for the man they called Uncle Bouncy.

This tragic suicide has millions grieving.

The Vatican has protected the official world... I didn't kill him.

I did not kill him!

Nobody said you did.

Absolutely. There could have been a thousand reasons why he killed himself.

Here again, the videotape that drove Uncle Bouncy to his death.

Uncle Bouncy is seen here receiving oral sex...

You might as well have pulled the trigger.

Well, it's Channel 10. It's not real news.

Jeremy, why don't you...

At the age of six, Sidney Emmanuel Barish

made his stage debut as Little B ouncy.

Little Bouncy in the baby buccaneer.

Not Jesus! It's everywhere!

Which is ridiculous if you ask me. It's not like a president died.

Obviously, Kate, you never saw his show.

Well, there was just something wonderful in the way that he put on those big

floppy shoes and started throwing boxes around.

Thank you, Judith. This is helping.

Don't be so hard on yourself, Dad.

So you killed him. Spunky the Rabbit was the whole show anyway.

I did not kill him!

Whatever, whatever. I'm just saying.

Featuring songs like the old favorite, the "Hi, Hey, Hello" song.

I see happy people everywhere I go.

I'm walking to the hardware store.

Hi, hey, hello.

I'm walking to the parking lot.

Hi, hey, hello.

Why don't you borrow a hole in your cell phone at the saper now?

It was a fun song. I just... Give me that!

Miss Barish, your father is dead.

How do you feel?

Well, he may have been America's number

one sailor clown, but he was also my...

Oh, stop it! Stop it! Please stop!

What is there to do?

My friend, there is only one thing.

My guterium is a flashlight you can report.

Honey, where are you going?

And coming up next, Bungie Nightmare.

Miss Barish.

No, I know this isn't the best time, but I... I'm Martin Tupper... and I...

I'm the one who made that videotape.

I realize I'm probably the last person you want to talk to right now.

You know, but I just felt like I had to come down here and apologize.

Please, please say something.

I never got to be on his show.

There was this awful rule, and I was ineligible.

Well, if it'll make you feel any better, my son was on the show.

He didn't enjoy it so much.

Which isn't to say you wouldn't have had a terrific time.

If you'd gotten the chance.

But look, a birthday party.

That's my little cousin Hannah's party.

There's Uncle Sammy and Uncle John.

The one in the middle.

He was so funny.

He was a genius.

Oh, I brought these for you.

Oh, they're lovely.

It really wasn't necessary, though.

What?

I felt guilty.

I'm sorry.

I'm very, very sorry.

That's a very nice thing to say.

I had to see you.

I had to tell you how wrong I'd been.

I had to ask you to forgive me.

You see, we juxtaposed choice moments from The Bouncy Show

with stills from that fabulous video tape of yours.

Here's the snake-can gag he made famous on television.

Here's the one he perfected in your alley.

Here's his beaming face as he greets his dear friend Danny Kay.

And here he is about to reach orgasm.

No, no, Gibby, no. Forget it.

The man is dead.

I think the family has suffered enough without a coffee table book.

Well, I guess you wouldn't take kindly

to the desk calendar idea then either .

Hello.

Am I interrupting something?

No, no, not at all.

You're the daughter of the wonderful Uncle Bouncy, aren't you?

My condolences in your time of grief.

Thank you. You're so kind.

Do you have any other lurid photos of your father?

Gibby, could you excuse us?

Should any turn up while you're going through his personal effects?

I'll just leave it here.

I wanted to thank you for stopping by yesterday.

You really did help me put a lot of things into perspective.

Oh, really? Really? It was nothing.

This is for you.

- Parts and session. - You're suing me? For what?

For two million dollars.

But why? I mean, what about our talk?

You said you were guilty.

I said I felt guilty.

Whatever.

See you in court.

Now, look, miss, I don't know what your little game is, but you're not

getting away with it.

I don't fucking believe this wrongful death, invasion of privacy,

intentional infliction of emotional disguises.

This is bullshit.

Yeah, I know she went after us, too.

What are we gonna do?

We... well, the show already settled.

What? What are you talking about?

It's our lawyers, man. They figured we shouldn't risk the exposure.

So what happens to me?

Well, you're sort of on your own.

But listen, I'm behind you all the way.

Yes, yes, I know.

I can feel you back there. How could you do this to me, Eddie?

This was your idea.

Hey, bud, nobody twisted your arm.

Winning, double dealing, Judas.

Great. Great. But this is just fucking great.

Falling hero.

Look.

What? What?

Calm down.

What?

I think son of a bitch.

Son of a motherfucker.

Oh, my fucking God.

What the fuck do you want?

Hey, Senator Bridget.

I could get so romantic tonight.

If I say I love you, I want you to know

it's not just because there's moonlight.

all along moonlight becomes you so

So I just kept punching him and punching him and punching him.

And pretty soon you couldn't even tell it used to be a guy.

That'll teach him to stare at you.

Hey, new guy.

Who, man?

Yeah. Who the fuck you think I'm talking to?

What you in for?

You gotta be tough.

But he step all over you.

I'm the bad ass motherfucker who killed Uncle Bouncy.

Man, you sick.

What did you have to go and do anything like that, boy?

I was gonna rape you, but now I don't even want.

Thank you, your grace.

Actually, it wasn't so bad.

We had stew, and then I learned to kill a man with my thumb.

Where the hell is this guy?

I expect my attorneys to be on time.

Martin, calm down.

I mean, you're lucky he's taking your case at all.

He wouldn't even be doing this if Richard hadn't saved his eye.

Do I look different?

Dennis!

Judith, my God, you look almost edible.

Thank you. This is my ex-husband, Martin Tupper.

Nice to meet you.

Yes, yes, Martin Tupper, the camcorder killer.

Excuse me?

I just thought you might want to get used to some of the things you're gonna

hear during the trial.

You murderous little shit!

All right, that's enough.

Hey, just doing my job, pigfucker.

Okay, well, maybe, sorry, that was a little out of line.

Could we talk about my case, please?

Certainly.

You know, I've reviewed your file, and it all seems pretty straightforward.

But of course it... What is that scent you're wearing?

It's driving me insane.

It's reckless.

Reckless.

Richard created it.

That foul perfume.

It's actually made from the juice of tiny little... Uh, Dennis?

Yes?

You were saying?

What?

Oh, case.

They're going to try to prove a proximate causation between your tape and

this bouncy guy's suicide.

But the fact is that your breasts are larger, aren't they?

They're more voluptuous or something.

What is that?

I'm pregnant.

Oh.

Excuse me?

What did Judith's big breasts have to do with my case?

Bam!

Bieber.

Oh, yeah.

Well, gotta go.

You see, I'm representing this fellow who got his legs ripped off in a bun

gee accident.

Now there is a fellow who's going to clean up.

Lucky, lucky man.

So, say hi to Richard for me.

Uh-huh.

And don't you worry, little fellow.

If I'm half as good as I think I am, we won't even be going to court.

Okay, they're a little more determined than I thought they might be, but

everything's under control.

No sweat, Babette.

Your liar just called you Babette.

He's supposed to be the best.

Stop her!

Right there!

What are you feeling this morning?

Well?

My best pipe's been stolen.

I'm all out of razor blade by fountain pen leaks.

And for the fifth consecutive night, we've had tapioca pudding.

Obviously, I feel-- Obviously, my client feels confused.

If anyone is a victim in this case, he is.

And a Marty here is just a sad little man with a camera, a pitiful soul, at

the mercy of forces far beyond his comprehension.

Look at him.

He doesn't even understand why he's here or what's happening to him.

You just became a full-blooded American idiot.

What do they want of me?

Hey, Dad.

Jeremy.

Hey, Jeremy.

Thanks for coming.

It really means a lot to me.

Hey, anything to get out of midterms?

How do you feel?

Besides unjustly accused?

Well, good.

Good, pretty good.

I mean, obviously, we're gonna win this thing.

Absolutely.

I mean, Dennis is practically the best there is.

What do you mean, "practically"?

I mean, he's fantastic.

He just wasn't my first choice.

Well, who was?

Uh... Hey, Randall.

So sorry to hear about that Dow Chemical decision.

You really took it in the shorts on that one, huh?

And how is your middleweight champ enjoying the cuisine in Joliet?

No, he's probably too busy butt-fucking your stockbroker client, you little

worthless... Uh, Dennis?

I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Just Martin Tupper, Randall Townsend.

Nice to meet you.

Don't be so sure.

Just speak sincerely, I don't like his face.

[laughter]

Frabbid, I can't wait to sink my teeth into that little dwarf.

Psst!

What?

Toby, what are you doing here?

Who's watching the office?

Look who's talking, mister.

I'd rather be on trial than go to work.

Besides, if they're sending you up the river, I want to be here to see it.

For your own information, I am not going up the river.

This is a civil case, and I plan to win it.

Civil, shmibble, you're gonna fry.

I have nothing to worry about.

[screaming]

This is Alan Dershowitz for Trial TV.

Opening statements begin today in Barish versus Tupper, the celebrated Uncle

Bouncy case.

The trial should last four, five days,

although frankly, I could wrap it up in two.

All rise.

A Supreme Court of the state of New York is now in session.

A case of Barish versus Tupper, the Honorable Isabelle Koner presiding.

And now we come to the main bout of the afternoon.

Okay, here we go.

You've got a poppy seed in your teeth.

Be seated.

This court will now come to order.

We'll start with opening statements.

Mr. Townsend?

In this corner we have-- Kahana.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this is not a murder trial.

It's not a murder trial, and yet, there is a body.

And there is a murder weapon.

This.

Looks like an ordinary videotape, doesn't it?

Unless it's in the hands of Martin Tupper.

Hey.

What did I miss?

He was just showing how Martin killed Uncle Bouncy.

Peanut cluster.

Shh!

Martin Tupper.

Took his camera and as surely as if it were a gun,

pointed it at our happy Bouncy, box-throwing tread, and pulled the trigger.

Y'all are only too aware of the tragic result.

Now, my friends,

money will not make Uncle Bouncy sing and dance again.

Money cannot bring the sound of children's laughter back to bouncing.

Oh, my God.

And money cannot make Mr. Oinkibonky speak again.

Oh!

But money just might bring some solace to the daughter he left behind.

And I hope that you will find it in your

heart to give her a whole lot of solace.

He's fabulous. Do you think he's seen anybody?

I could kill you with my soul.

[applause]

Mr. Youngblood?

And over here we have... Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

in response to what my esteemed colleague

has just presented, Mr. Oinkibonky,

Mr. Oinkibonky, the part about you being

Satan's Minion in his war against laughter

will be with me for the rest of my life.

And then he turned, and he smiled, and he pulled an egg out of his nose.

And that was the last time I saw my father.

A man who's pulling eggs out of his nose.

Doesn't sound like a man who's about to take his own life now, does he?

No, of course not.

And I knew my father better than anyone.

And if it wasn't for that awful tape, my daddy would still be alive today.

I have nothing further, young.

Now get out there and drive into them.

I want to win this game.

Uh-uh.

Miss Parrish, I know this is an incredibly difficult time for you,

but would you be kind enough to tell us about your father's blowjobs?

What?

Objection.

Well, she claims to know her father better than anyone.

I'm just substantiating, Your Honor.

I'll allow it.

Did he often get his blowjobs in alleys?

I don't know.

Was it a weekly thing, a daily thing? Did he need them every hour?

I don't know. What kind of a question is that?

Well, how did he like his blowjobs?

Teeth. No teeth.

Did he like his testes? Fondled.

I don't know.

Your Honor.

You obviously don't know your father very

well at all, then, do you, Miss Parrish?

Oh, I thought I did, but I guess I didn't.

I guess you don't. No further questions.

(

What was that?

Hey, we're not here to make friends.

Even I hate you now.

Just come to me. You're in a tough spot.

Oh, well. All right.

And that tie, what's this? A blood stain?

What's the difference whether my tie's okay or not?

Shit! It's jam.

Switch with me, will you?

Get out of here. I'm not gonna wear a tie with jam on it.

Come on, come on, give it.

Give... No way, man. It might cost 85 bucks.

Okay, okay.

Now, you worked side by side with Uncle Bouncy for 29 years.

What were your impressions on the man?

Well, he lived for the kids. He lived for the kids.

Kisme and everything to him.

Now, Spunky. Yeah.

Do you believe that Mr. Tupper's videotape could be blamed for Uncle Bouncy

's acute depression and subsequent demise?

Oh, yeah, sure. Let me tell you, if the world found out that I was...

The world found out that I was getting a blowjob from a hooker

or I was doing speedballs with the P.A.s or playing with myself in some late

night gay porno theaters,

it's all hypothetically, you understand? Certainly. Yeah, certainly.

But you do think it could drive you, as a children's entertainer, to take

your own life?

In a New York minute.

I have nothing further to go on.

Mr. Youngblood, cross-examine.

You are a 57-year-old man in a bunny suit.

Yeah.

No further questions.

What the hell was that? What do you mean, what?

Hey, if anybody was living for the future, it was Bouncy.

I mean, we were negotiating for Bouncy, and now he's Bouncy on Broadway,

and he kept hocking me for more.

And now he's dead. And what do I wind up with?

10% of bubkus.

Yeah. Bubkus.

Even though Sid and I had been divorced over 30 years,

we tried to have lunch together once a week just to remind ourselves

how much we hated each other.

Oh.

Only two weeks before he died, we're sitting in Clifton's.

And he jabs me with a shrimp fork and shrieks,

"Mitzi, I'll live to bounce on your grave."

Believe me, if that tape had come along, he never would have killed himself.

He never would have given me the satisfaction.

But who's bouncing now, Sid?

Hi, hey, hello. Hi, hey, hello.

-Swissler? -Hey, ladies and gentlemen.

-Ooh. -Swissler.

Pat McMigney. The testimony of Uncle Bouncy...

I don't think that sten

ographer's wearing any panties.

...Bouncy's formal business partner,

Spunk, has proven beyond any possible ...

Tell me the truth, Dennis. How fucked are we?

Uh, totally UN-fucked. I mean, they beat us up a little bit,

but we can dig our way out of it not to worry.

You know, I don't think that stenographer's wearing any panties.

Yeah, Honor, if the court would so kindly indulge me,

the plaintiff would like to call one additional witness.

It's to Earl Rath.

I don't know. He wasn't on their list.

But he looks so darn familiar, and yet I just can't seem to...

to just give me a little hint.

And all of a sudden, that man... yelled in my face,

"I'm the badass motherfucker what killed Uncle Bouncy."

What the hell?

Hey, when you're on the inside, you do what you have to do to survive.

Inside? You were there three hours.

Quick, Martin. Make a run for it. I'll create a diversion.

Would you shut up?

Shut up!

Mr. Tupper, we've all had a very long day.

If you and your friend with the licorice want to take your dispute outside,

we'll adjourn till 10 A.M. tomorrow.

She's not my friend.

And technically, it's not licorice.

Guilty.

Guilty.

Guilty.

Oh, my God.

Where am I gonna find $2 million?

Well, it could give you an advance on your salary,

but it wouldn't help much considering what you make.

Well, Danny says it's a place where you can sell your lungs for $50,000.

Each?

Excuse me.

What we need here is a positive attitude.

Yeah, yeah, and about 40 lungs.

Oh, Martin, stop it.

Nobody's gonna win his case feeling poopy.

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Was I being poopy?

I hope I didn't bring anyone down.

I mean, for a minute there, I thought I was on trial,

and everybody was calling me a murder.

Danny, that was just their side of the story.

Tomorrow we'll get to hear yours.

And let's not forget who's leading off.

It's not gonna hurt to have a major celebrity testifying for you.

And I wasn't gonna say anything, but there are six women on the jury.

And we all know what a turn on an enormous ego can be.

Martin, everything is gonna be okay.

Yeah, I guess.

Look, I really appreciate you all coming down here, you know.

All your support and everything.

You guys are great.

Who gets the check?

Oh, here, let me take that.

-Gibby. -Oh, nice to see you, Gibby.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

Marty, you owe $12.

Toby, you're in for $8.50.

Judith, you had the peach cobble, didn't you?

Yeah, I'd say.

The defense begins their case today in Barish v. Tuppert.

First up is talk show host Eddie Charles, an interesting move strategically.

Not the way I would have gone.

But then, I'm Alan Dershowitz.

Now, Mr. Charles, when you first saw the tape, what was your reaction?

Well, I thought it was extremely newsworthy

and perfect material for my show, the Eddie Charles show.

Recently, nominated for six daytime Emmys.

And when you suggested that to Mr. Tuppert, how did he react?

He was against it from the beginning.

Martin Tuppert is a man of very strong convictions.

There's a real pal for you.

Why, I practically had to beg him to give me the tape.

And he didn't pursue the matter in any way.

Not at all. It was entirely my idea.

So what you're saying is, if anybody killed Uncle Bouncy, you did.

What?

How many other people have you killed with your so-called journalism?

Objection!

I'm sorry, Mr. Tuppert. You can't object.

Well, then time out or side bar.

Could I just talk to my attorney for just a second?

A minute.

What the fuck are you doing?

The jury has to have somebody to blame. Trust me.

Now, you solicited the tape. You paid for the tape.

You put it on your show, named after you.

How can you not be the one responsible?

Hey, hey, hey. I am not on trial here.

Of course not, because you settled out of court, correct?

Well, uh... You wouldn't have settled out of court unless you were guilty.

(clears throat)

I am not guilty.

I am not the one sneaking around in alleys with the camera.

If anybody's guilty, it's that guy over there in the brand-new Italian suit.

You traitor.

Objection!

We've been through this, Mr. Tuppert.

I don't care. He's supposed to be on

my side. We wouldn't... This is bullshit!

Don't type it.

Stop it! Stop it! Stop that typing! Stop it!

Why don't we pause for a ten-minute recess so Mr. Tuppert can take a lap?

And so, Dr. Stone, what you're saying is

that in your expert psychological opinion,

there is no way to prove conclusively a connection between the tape and Mr.

Barish's suicide.

God, you look gorgeous today.

That is correct.

The decision to take one's own life is seldom impulsive.

In all likelihood, Mr. Barish was suffering from an extended depression,

which did not manifest itself to those around him.

No further questions.

Mr. Townsend?

Dr. Stone, are you familiar with Uncle Bouncy's work?

Yes. Yes, I am.

I imagine you used to watch him when you were a child.

Well, I'm not quite that young.

I did watch it with my son, though, when he was little.

What's he doing?

God, I would love to lick her neck.

Would you pay attention, please?

What was your favorite part?

I have to say, for me, it was when he did

the "Why, you oughta walk and I just...".

Not that that has any relevance on the psychological aspects of this case.

One further question, Dr. Stone.

How must it feel to know that your unborn child

will never take that magical trip to Bouncyville?

Well, I don't know. I never really thought about it.

I guess there will be other shows, but...

Oh, God, I can't believe he's gone.

I am beset by weaklings and traitors, and victory is slipping from my grasp.

All in all, I think we're doing pretty well.

What trial are you at? It's a bloodbath out there.

Would you relax? We're just getting started.

All right. Who else will be gone?

I've got several witnesses who can testify to the unstable nature of Bouncy

's character.

Great. Okay. Like who?

Well, I've got Dribble the Clown, Miss Madeline, Joy Gordon and Bodilina.

A bottle and a dress?

Hey, she's loved by millions. I had to fly her all the way up from Orlando.

What kind of case is this?

Come on, these are character witnesses.

These are cartoon character witnesses.

Just put me on the stand, will you?

Hold on a second. I don't think that's such a good idea.

What if I put a sock on my hand?

I'm just afraid that Randall is gonna tear you to pieces.

I'll take my chances.

Yeah, hi, I'm sorry. Just some guy.

In a surprise move, the defense has scrapped its game plan

and opted to put defendant, Martin Tupper, on the stand.

That takes a lot of chutzpah.

And speaking of chutzpah, my book chutzpah is now available in paperback.

That's Yiddish.

I'm sorry, Mr. Barish is dead.

No, I am.

But I do not feel responsible.

The man was supposed to be a role model for children instead.

He was in an alley with the prostitute engaging in a sex act that a hundred

kids could see.

I'm sorry, I just think that that's wrong.

And forgive me my ideals, but I just felt like I had to do something.

Touché.

Thank you, Mr. Tupper. No further questions.

Mr. Townsend?

You'd love to hurt me, wouldn't you?

Mr. Tupper, in your 39 years as a moral crusader,

have you ever had sexual relations in a public place?

Well, I'm not the host of a children's show, am I?

No. And I was not accusing you of being one.

Now, you say, Mr. Tupper, you were motivated by moral indignation.

And yet you received and accepted a rather

large sum of money for your videotape.

What was it now?

Five hundred dollars? No, six hundred dollars?

Two hundred and fifty thousand dollars.

But I did not do this for the money.

Oh, of course not. A moral man such as yourself.

You returned the check. You set it afire.

You gave it to the march of times.

Come on, come on. It's not like I went

out and bought myself a bunch of stuff.

Really?

That was a very attractive suit you had on yesterday, Mr. Tupper.

Would everybody just lay off the suit?

Mr. Tupper.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

He was on sale.

Now, Mr. Tupper, when you accepted this

extraordinary sum of money for your videotape,

did you give any thought at all to how it might affect Uncle Bouncy?

Yes. For your information, I took the tape to Uncle Bouncy,

and I offered to give it to him for free.

And he told me to go ahead and sell it.

Really?

I could lick you with one hand tied behind me if I wanted to.

You met with Uncle Bouncy?

Yes, I did. And let me tell you something else. This is not the happy box-th

rowing guy I've been hearing about.

He was a creep. He was abusive, and he... He cursed at me.

Ah, Uncle Bouncy?

I remind you, sir, you are an oaf.

I'm telling you, I was doing a guy a favor.

Did he thank me? Did he give me neat toys and prizes?

No. No. He waved his penis in my face.

And that's why you wanted to kill him!

Oh, no. No, I just... I just wanted to teach him a lesson.

And so you did, sir! A lesson in physics!

And a speed camo of a fallen object!

No further question, young man.

Let 'em build my gallows high, build it high.

Let 'em build my gallows high, build it high.

We'll recess until 10 A.M. tomorrow.

Let 'em build it to the sky, but it ain't my time to die.

No, it ain't my time to die, bless their high.

He said it wasn't an accident. Check.

He said it wasn't suicide. Check.

He said it was murder. Check.

Why don't you just say it?

You think I killed him.

You all think I killed him, don't you?

No.

And even if you did, we wouldn't love you the less.

I wonder what Randall looks like naked.

Look, I know how you feel.

You have no idea how I feel.

I'm sorry, what?

Well, Mr. Youngblood, what do you think? Is it all over?

Not on your life.

You see, they still haven't proved the causative link between my client's

videotape and Mr. Barish's suicide.

Without that causative link, they have no case.

Now, Mr. Tuppert, what was your reason for purchasing the camcorder?

To make videotapes of my family, which is why there's no causative link

between my videotape and Uncle Bouncy's suicide.

I'm sorry, I wasn't asking about any causative links.

Right. Why?

Because you know there is no causative link.

Well, we'll deal with that in dear time.

Now, upon purchasing the camcorder...

You notice how he's afraid to talk about the causative link?

Huh? You know...

I'm not afraid to talk about the causative link. You want to talk about the

causative link? We'll talk about the causative link.

Any time.

You know me, Gronsky. I always win him in the last minute of play.

Farewell.

Mr. Tuppert, you do not think there's any connection between your videotape

and Uncle Bouncy's suicide?

Absolutely none.

So you find it unreasonable to believe that the public display of a videot

ape showing a man engaged in explicit sexual activity could push that man

over the edge?

That's correct.

Oh, Mr. Tuppert, would you do me the favor

of watching your videotape once again?

If I have to.

Indulge me.

Oh, oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Where did you get that?

Ironically enough from you, Mr. Tuppert, it was on your tape.

Turn that thing off! That's private! You have no right to show that ear!

Do you always make that face, Mr. Tuppert?

You son of a bitch!

I'll fucking kill you!

I'll fucking kill you!

Son of a bitch!

I will have more!

I'll fucking kill you!

I'll fucking kill you!

You have no right to turn it off!

Can I turn it off?

Can I hold up your fucking eyes?

I'll tear you apart!

Turn it off!

Can I hold up your fucking suspenders?

I'll rip around that goddamn throat!

Sit down!

Sit down!

Jesus!

That, Mr. Tuppert, is your precious causative link.

No further questions, y'all.

Mr. Tuppert, you may step down.

No! No, no, I may not!

Okay. Okay, I'm the one who made the videotaping.

Okay, okay, maybe that's why the guy killed himself.

I'm sorry, but I refuse to take all the blame for this.

I mean, if you people weren't so obsessed with all this crap,

then Sleege Marker's like, "It wouldn't be able to put it on television."

I'd just be another guy with a videotape

of a clown getting blown in an alley.

So if I'm guilty, that means every single one of you is guilty.

You! You are the causative link!

No, I'm not.

Oh, come on, pal.

How many times do you see the videotape of that bungee jumper's legs

dangling from that big elastic cord? What about ten, twenty?

You can't talk to him like that. He's not the one on trial here.

Yeah, well, he ought to be, and so should you, sister.

Marty, just a little something I learned in law school, okay?

Generally, you don't want to yell at the jury.

All right. All right, look, see if they'll settle.

Settle? No, not you.

In fact, I'm going to call you back, okay?

Settle? Settle? Are you nuts?

Okay, look, you lost a little yardage out there, granted.

But I can get it back. I know I can.

Just give me the ball. Worst case scenario,

you get dinged for a million five.

Oh, perfect. Perfect, a million five, right?

I just won't eat out as much.

Martin, please, you've got to let me give my closing statement.

It is incredibly moving. I quote Cicero.

Tip, you just lost a legal argument to a mule.

Set up a meeting.

I've been informed by both parties that

they have agreed to settle this matter.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, thank you for your time.

This case is dismissed.

Now I'm free to go anywhere, do anything, see anybody, any time I want to.

You got a pencil.

How much have Harry Mason had at 80 times? This has never happened.

What a chip.

Hey, where'd it go, Dad?

Come on, man, I'll buy you a beer.

Didn't I tell you it would all work out?

I'll just shut up.

I am so sorry about dead tape of you and Martin.

Yeah, should have seen that one coming.

That's been very embarrassing for you.

Yeah, I'd say.

By the way, you have a spectacular body.

Well, here it is.

I just wanted to say that... Thanks for settling.

Hey, I figured we'd been through enough.

One man's life's already been ruined.

Didn't see the need to destroy another.

Yeah.

Mr. Tebber, may I ask you one more question?

What?

The young lady that was sitting behind you with the liquorice.

Is she seeing anybody?

(clears throat)

Okay, so after the settlement and the

legal fees and my now famous Italian suit,

I'm only down... $367.

Look at all the fun you had.

(paper rustling)

A strange new twist in the Uncle Bouncy case.

Jimmy Lupinetti, a hit man with known mafia ties,

has confessed to pushing Uncle Bouncy from

the terrace of his penthouse apartment.

What?

According to Lupinetti, the hit was ordered when TV's favorite uncle

failed to pay over $3 million in gambling debt to the mob.

Sidney Barish's link to organized crime

was further corroborated by this home video

obtained from his daughter, Mara Barish.

This is mob kingpin Sammy the fish Castellano,

and this man is convicted racketeer John Bonnarotti.

I can't fucking believe this.

The three major networks are locked in a bidding war

for the rights to the Uncle Bouncy story.

A spokesman for Mara Barish says,

"Figures have already reached as high as $2 million."

We'll be right back with an exclusive interview with Mara Barish

via satellite from San Tropez after this message.

Do me a favor, will ya? Just put a bullet in my head.

I know something that's gonna make you feel much better.

(gun cocks)

Oh, I'm really not in the mood.

This is the end. The absolute end.

Shh.