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[buzzing]

[Indistinct chatter]

♪ I will end you

♪ You must be lost, this is my side of town ♪

♪ Bring your wise, boy

♪ Ah, bring your friends down

♪ This is goin' down, it's all breakin' down ♪

♪ Till the good man just sees half-brown ♪

♪ This is goin' down, you'll be leavin' town ♪

♪ You are headin' for the last one in town ♪

♪ This is goin' down, people, gather 'round ♪

♪ At the speed of sound all the way down ♪

For the love of God, please ask me a question.

Geography.

What is the second largest city in the Soviet Union?

Moscow is the largest. Any fool would know that.

A clever man might say Novosibirsk,

which is the capital of Siberia.

Might be over thinking things. Right.

Uh-oh. Is it St. Petersburg?

Ohh.

Yes, I believe it is St. Petersburg.

Thank you. Thank you, I am a trivia god.

I am so sorry, buddy.

I beg your pardon?

It's Leningrad.

And it's my turn.

Leningrad is St. Petersburg. They're the same city, Paul.

No, I said "which Soviet city?"

Not "which Russian during the Soviet era?"

It was Leningrad.

It says so right here on the card, see?

Leningrad. Yes, it does say that on the card

because this game is from 1984.

I will not be denied my sweet tasting victory

just because you can't pay $40 for another Trivial Pursuit.

Money has nothing to do with it.

I've had this game since I was 6.

Playing with a new edition would feel like... like...

Like Alex Trebek without his mustache.

Just wouldn't feel right.

I like him without the mustache.

You like that mustache on him?

Oh, yeah.

Let's say we ask the sultry young Shelly.

James.

Shelly!

Yeah. Hi, Shelly.

Alex Trebek's facial hair, what say you?

[Speaking in Latin]

I don't speak geek, dude.

It's not geek. It's Latin.

I can teach you if you wanted to learn.

You guys want another round of drinks or something?

Not for me.

I have a date with my endless dissertation.

Dissertation, constipation.

Come on, Paul.

The night is still young. The grog is flowing.

The women are scrumptious.

And more importantly,

we have more time for another trivia game.

I can't. Classes start tomorrow,

I have to finish this thesis from hell if it kills me.

You've been saying that for eight years.

It's time to stop screwing around.

It's time to be a man.

And what pray tell

are you going to do after graduation?

I don't know. What do you mean by after?

What do you mean by man?

Bye, James.

Ahh.

[Alarm clock blaring]

♪ From time to time I see the rain fall ♪

♪ The skies are still more often gray and all ♪

♪ I lie asleep and someone shake me awake ♪

♪ Would you please? Would you please? ♪

♪ From time to time, I see the hedge grow ♪

♪ Against this barricade and I wait for you ♪

♪ For you

♪ Would you please, please wake me ♪

♪ Please wake me

Free hug?

Yeah.

All right. Thanks, man.

You're welcome.

Free hug, dude?

Uh... No.

Uh... Can...

Hello? Excuse me?

Oh. Can...

Hi.

Hi.

Um... Do you know how to get to the natural resources building?

Um...

Ha ha.

There it is. [Laughing]

Oh, did I mention I'm incredibly dense and a freshman?

Well, that's ok. They're one in the same.

They've done tests and everything.

They?

Yeah, the... the guys that do the tests

of all the...

Oh, all the stuff?

Yes. Right.

Yeah. Ok.

Gotta get to class.

Ok.

Thank you.

Sure.

Um... Actually, you know what?

I have class in this building, too.

Bible's literature.

Yeah, me, too. Really?

Yeah, apparently the professor is like famous in Ann Arbor.

I'm Paul, by the way.

Oh, I'm Naomi.

[Indistinct chatter]

Do you want to sit together?

Uh, I don't know anyone.

Uh, I totally would, I just...

I kind of have to sit back here.

There's assigned seating in college?

Ha ha. Uh... Just for me, I'm the T.A.

Oh. So you're old?

Yes, yes, I am.

Oh, ok.

Bye.

Uhh... Paul, bonjour.

Lucas Branmstrom.

I haven't seen you since that Fuquo seminar.

No, it's... Paul, it's not Fuquo, it's Fouquet.

It's in the throat.

But it's very difficult for you Americans

to pick up the subtleties of our language.

You're not French.

No, I'm Swedish,

but Fouquet visited Stockholm many times.

I didn't realize they were letting comp lit guys T.A. this semester?

Oh, I've wanted to work for this professor for a very long time.

He's very selective.

How many times have you been a T.A. in this course?

Five.

That is amazing.

You must be a very gifted scholar.

Hello, folks!

Good morning and welcome to you.

Marvelous to be with you.

I expect that you're as happy to be back

as I am after the lang ease

of a summer lounging on the beach and so on, eh?

Back to the urgency of the life of the mind?

Yea?

All: Yea.

Yea. Yea.

Many of you I recognize. Some I haven't seen yet.

I'll get to know your faces

and attach names to them by

about the second and third day of class.

Hi. And then if you're absent,

you see, I'll miss you the first day.

Hi. Good to see you.

Your name? Naomi.

Naomi, thank you. Welcome. Hi.

Ciao. I'll get over to those on the other side of the room

next day and soon I'll have names and faces

and the intimate details of the lives of each of you.

This is English 401. The Bible in English.

The Bible as literature.

Let me begin by inviting you on a journey

and inviting you to take that journey with an open mind

to your first or a fresh confrontation with collections of texts.

Collections, which are variously in the Jewish

and Christian traditions called the Bible.

Eh? It's a journey into the heart of those texts.

A journey into the heart of our culture.

And a journey, as well, if you choose to make it so,

into the heart of yourselves.

My name is Elliot Tarson.

I'll be your companion on this journey.

I'd like also to introduce my 4 colleagues

in the course, your section leaders, eh?

First, there is Nick Varusso

and Jessica Young and Lucas Branmstrom.

And my own brilliant son, forgive me, I'm so proud, Paul,

who has been with me in the course a number of times.

Could you stand for a moment

and say hello so that the whole group gets to know you?

Hello.

Wonderful.

Paul, you are the professor's son?

Yeah.

...called rubrics.

These are red-letter headings,

which I'll ask you to write down...

[Door opens]

Hey, Mom.

Hey.

I got the ketchup for the loaf of meat.

Perfect.

Oh, and I want a full update on class today.

Class was great.

Good.

Your father's in the study.

He wants to talk to you.

Ok.

Hey, Dad.

Fantastic lecture today.

Oh, you do know how to flatter the old man.

Paul...

I want to have a discussion with your for a moment.

Sit.

Um... Ok.

I ran into your advisor earlier

and I must say I'm worried

that you haven't made adequate progress towards your degree.

Dad, I've been working on my dissertation a lot.

I mean, a lot.

Were you working on it a lot

when I saw you the other day

going into the pub with your friend James?

Paul, I instructed Dr. Hoguefeld that this is to be

your last semester of funding from the department.

Do... what... wait, what?

It's time for you to take your degree.

Dad, my dissertation,

I still have to look over Hoguefeld's notes.

And... and... and I haven't even started on Whittier yet.

Ok... I've been kind of stuck.

Oh, son, that's nothing to be embarrassed about at all.

You mentioned Whittier.

I touch on Whittier in Chapter 32 of the Tarson Guide.

It may be of help to you.

Yea? Yea, nay?

Yea.

♪ Oh, great divine

♪ A fault line

♪ I've never heard you calling

♪ I wonder if I missed it

♪ You say, you say

♪ In time, in time

♪ What's yours? What's yours?

♪ Is mine, is mine

♪ But what if I keep rippin' and find a golden ticket? ♪

"My opinion on this topic matter are

opposing heroes is biologically and mentally retardment."

This is a 16-year-old in my S.A.T. Class.

16. He does not know the correct word for retarded

and he wants to go to college, hmm?

This is what my genius is wasted on in test prep.

Retardment.

I'm gonna graduate.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

Really.

I lost my funding.

I have to graduate this semester.

What are you going to do?

This.

Trivia and beer.

The god of geekdom has rewarded our lifetime

of worshiping his nerdy altar.

Yes, I knew you'd be down.

Of course I'm down.

Jesus, I work in test prep, I have no life.

What about you, though? You're gonna graduate.

What about your dissertation?

No, to hell with that.

I am so sick of all this giant life-altering crap.

That is the beauty of trivia, my friend.

It is trivial.

Totally and absolutely meaningless.

Ok, so, what you're saying is that we need

to do this precisely because we do not need to do this.

Yes.

That's compelling.

Six big rounds of hard core,

no holds bar trivia at bars all over the city.

We are talking hollow glory.

We are talking pointless honor.

We are talking groupies who are vaguely unattractive at best.

Groupies.

Yes, groupies.

I foresee one difficulty. Sports.

Sports? Sports.

Sports is an essential part of trivia.

I mean, I can list and diagram

every organelle inside of a cell, but I've never once attempted

a stuff shot in a basket hoop.

Yeah, all right, all right, all right.

Relax, I'll figure it out.

This is not going to be easy.

We're talking about practice, training,

honing our intellects every single day.

If we're gonna do this, we're not gonna half ass it.

We're gonna need both cheeks.

Of course, but that's the best thing about this,

at the end of the day, none of it matters.

I mean, who gives a crap whether we win or lose?

But we will win, won't we?

Yeah, sure. Maybe.

All right.

Yeah.

We need to work on that.

[Bell tolling]

Ahh.

Ahh.

Ahh.

Ahh.

Ahh.

Come on, Tarson, get your head in the game.

Hello, folk!

Welcome.

This is...

Um... This is English 401,

section 12 of the Bible as literature.

My name's Paul and in case you missed it,

I am, in fact, the son of the man, the myth,

the legend, Professor Tarson himself.

[Coughs]

Ok, let's get started.

Let's pull out your Tarson Guides to Chapter One.

Uh, excuse me?

Uh, if you have a question, please raise your hand.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Yeah, uh, can you please tell us

a little bit more about yourself?

Uh, well, uh,

I think I said I'm Professor Tarson's son.

No. I mean something about you.

We all know who your dad is.

I mean, what else do you study?

Do you study other ancient religions

or just scriptures from the Bible or...

Uh...

Uh...

Well, ok, uh...

I'm a doctorial student in English lit,

but yes, I do study the Bible.

And that is study, not preach, per se.

Specifically, my dissertation investigates

the king James Bible and the many points of intersection

within western literary canon,

where they focus on the significance of language

and communication as a locust to the transcendent,

while embodying complex tropes.

And even perhaps both communal and individual identity,

which, not surprisingly, lends itself to a vital tension

of the static versus the dynamic.

Sorry.

As is often made manifest

in the pre and post modern era.

What the hell?

[Laughter]

Hands please.

Ok, but what do you hope to get from it?

I mean, why do you study the Bible?

Ok, Naomi, I know that you're new at this,

but this class is not about religion, it's about literature.

That's not what I mean. What I mean...

And it is imperative that we approach this topic dispassionately.

That's not possible.

It's absolutely possible, trust me. Ok?

Moving on.

Look, I don't know a thing about the Bible, ok?

My parents are atheist.

Never read it before in my life, but I see

how important that book is to so many people

and I want to understand that.

I mean, that's why I'm here.

That's... that's why I'm studying the Bible.

See?

The Bible absolutely saved my life.

Really? Yeah.

I read the Bible every night before I go to bed, religiously.

And I'm not even religious.

I remember the first time I read the Bible

when I was like four years old...

There's something about the stories.

I mean, Heston and the Ten Commandments.

One of my moms is a rabbi.

I just need the credits.

[All talking at once]

Enough.

That's enough.

I'm the teacher in this class, me.

And we have a lot of work to do.

So, if you wouldn't mind pulling out your Tarson Guides

and turning to Chapter One.

She sounds positively succulent.

She's a student.

Oh, come now, Paul.

Are you going to tell me that you've never fantasized

about having a sexy young sultress in your office hours alone?

She's got a plaid school outfit on,

knee high white stockings, ruffled pink panties,

brand-new penny loafers, oiled leather, lace.

You bend her over your hard oaken desk,

teach her the ways of the gun.

No. Really?

That's the whole reason I became a teacher.

It's unethical.

It's unprofessional.

It's completely against university bylaws.

Besides, she's a freshman.

Aha, forbidden fruit ripe for the plucking.

Virile, nubile, tactile.

Ok, can we talk about trivia, please?

Fine. Now, what might I ask,

have you determined about our sports dilemma?

The guy is a sports genius.

I went to Catholic school with him back in the fourth grade.

In the fourth grade?

Are you telling me you haven't seen this guy in fifteen years?

How do we know he's any good?

He was the class jock.

In fourth grade?

James, you should have seen the way this guy dominated kickball.

He could kick that thing for miles.

Yeah, in fourth grade.

He's the only athlete I've ever been friends with.

Would you please give him a chance?

♪ I'm wild

♪ I'm here to pray about the townspeople ♪

♪ Be my mirror and tell me what you see ♪

♪ In the eyes of a stone cold killer ♪

Balls!

♪ There's a saying here

♪ You better run, better run away ♪

♪ Please, please

[Screaming]

Uh... Izzy?

Izzy Dasselway.

Oh, God, no.

Hey, man, thanks for coming down.

Long time, no see.

Are you ready for this action?

Are you ready for this?

I'm Ice, bitch. Right now. Do it.

Do it. Do it.

Uh, ok.

This is James Koogly.

It's a pleasure.

Ice... Ohh, will get in your head

and when Ice is in your goddamn head, ohh,

you ain't gonna get the Ice out.

I'm... Freaking out! [Indistinct screaming]

Oh, shit.

Ahem. All right, welcome all

to the first annual Ann Arbor pub trivia tournament.

Sponsored by La Talia Wine and Sex Candy edible prophylactics.

Sex Candy, it tastes so good, you'll buy it for the meal.

I'm Brian Collins and this is my lovely assistant Shelly.

Oh, yay, Brian, is that a pen in your pocket

or are you excited to do some trivia?

Yes, yeah.

I'm excited to do trivia.

Team name. What's our team name?

Aha. I have been brain storming about this, ok?

What do you think of Apostles of Angst?

Ew. Or, ok, ok, or...

The Many Secret Loves of Iannice Nymph.

Ice Tigers.

The name is Ice Tigers.

Ok, uh, that, uh, that's intriguing,

but, uh, perhaps...

Right now trivia contests are being held

at other inferior bars all over our great city.

The top three teams from each bar will go on to compete

in the next round until the championship where the final

Six teams will compete for ultimate supremacy.

Oh, hey, look who it is, it's Paul, huh?

You're the ultimate scholar I hear, right?

Hey, oh, oh, is daddy going to come

and help you out on the team tonight?

Because looking at the team, you're definitely going to need it.

Hey, Branmstrom, you complex pricks think you're so cool

just because you study literature in two different languages.

Yeah, that's about right, we do.

Damn Swede. Yeah.

The first half of tonight's contest consists

of 20 questions worth one point each.

Here we go. Question one.

What ruler famous for his laws,

created the ancient empire of Babylonia

in 16th century B.C.E.?

Hammurabi. Ohh.

Next.

What is the largest bird of prey in the western hemisphere?

And, no, it is not Shelly.

What about the penguin?

They catch fish with their claws.

The Andean Condor.

One minute left.

What Baroque composer is best known for his classic work "Messiah"?

Was this composer born Baroque or did they just die Baroque?

Badam bump.

[Laughing]

20 seconds.

Five, four, three, two, one.

All right, the next category is sports.

Ice is all over this shit.

What professional golfer won the first ever green jacket

awarded to a Masters Champion?

Izzy?

Ice.

Huh?

Huh?

Five seconds.

Ice has no idea.

Ice has no idea?

Ice is supposed to be the stinking sports expert.

He is, but not golf.

Ok, ok. There are a lot of other sports, it's ok.

Next question.

Who captained the French national soccer team

that won the 1984 Olympics?

Who is it?

[Scoffs] Soccer?

[Chuckles] What the shit do they think Ice is,

a goddamn Euro fag?

Ok, Ice, are there any sports that Ice does know?

The big ones... Basketball, football.

What is the name of the first Japanese player ever

to play for the American major leagues?

Yeah, pretty much just basketball and football...

And kickball.

I'll take these.

All right.

All right. At the end of the first half of tonight's contest,

in first place so far with an impressive showing

of 18 out 20 points,

we have Denmore Darran of Culture [Indistinct].

Tied for second and third place with 17 points

are the Sig Apes and Moo Shoo Dork.

[Cheering and applause]

And in fourth place with 15 points, the Ice Tigers.

And no, fellas, the first Japanese baseball player

in the U.S. was not Naruki, Pat Morita.

This is absolutely ridiculous.

Those frat morons are beating us.

If we keep this up, we're not going

to make it to the next round of the tournament.

Right. No. No.

Men, we can do this.

It's gonna take a little luck,

but I believe in the Ice Tigers.

Now, come on, we have an entire half to go.

That is twenty more questions, right?

The final half of the contest consists

of only one question...

Damn.

And the category is sports.

[Speaking in Latin]

Don't mess with the Ice in Latin!

I shit Latin.

Ok, ok, calm down.

Calm down.

Now, I didn't know if it would come to this,

but I think it's officially time for my special trivia pen.

What's so special about it?

Well, it's got my name on it.

Paul.

Ice digs.

The final question is an identification.

Name each of the colleges that goes with the school mascots pictured here.

Ice, shit.

Oh, and one last bonus,

you see that little box at the bottom,

that's double or nothing.

You check that box, you get them all right,

you get double the points worth a possible twenty total.

But you get even one of them wrong and you get nada.

No.

Ah. Ah.

This is all Ice.

Are you...

Ice, do it.

10 seconds left.

[Clearing throat] All right, here we go.

This is it.

In first place with 38 points, an impressive showing,

our first qualifier for the next round

of the Ann Arbor trivia tournament,

Denmore Darran of blah, blah, blah.

[Cheering and applause]

Good for you, dude.

Jackass.

Our next qualifier in second place tonight, the Sig Apes.

[Cheering and applause]

This is a travesty of competitive trivia.

There's one more spot.

And our final qualifier in third place with 35 points

and I didn't think these guys were going to pull it off...

The Lice Floggers.

Wait, who?

Oh, sorry, Ice Tigers.

All right! Yes!

Nobody shits the Ice.

Ice is in your head...

When the [Indistinct] mucus maracas.

I'm a qualifier.

I've never qualified for anything in my whole life.

I work in test preparation.

That's right.

[Room is silent]

Ha ha ha.

Ha.

Let's get a drink.

Yeah.

[Alarm clock blaring]

Hey, Naomi. Hey.

Oh, is it ok for me to speak

or do I need to raise my hand?

Listen, I'm really sorry about that.

I just... i get nervous when I talk in front of people.

So, maybe we can try again?

To talk?

To talk?

Yeah. Uh, about the Bible.

Um, do you want to come by office hours?

I have a better idea.

Let's talk right now.

I can't right now.

Remember, I have to sit with the T.A.s and the faculty.

Yeah, I know, not in there.

Out there.

Wait, you mean...

Yeah, I heard you can skip in college.

Apparently, they don't even take attendance.

Uh, I can't. I'm a T.A.

I have to be at lecture. I can't skip.

Ok.

Later, teach.

[Door opens]

Professor: Good morning, [Indistinct].

Welcome to you.

Are there questions for me before I begin?

Excuse me. Hi.

Sorry, sir, but the lecture is about to start.

Listen, I gave it some thought and I think spending

the morning outside would have definite educational value.

Ok.

No, it's ok, I'm her T.A.

I gotta go.

We've arrived at this point, which we associate with Rebecca.

What, is this like the first time you've ever skipped class?

Well, uh, come on, no.

It's ok. It's my first time, too.

Ha ha.

So, uh... the Bible.

Yes.

Hey, what's that?

What?

Oh, that.

Ah, it's just some crap the university does to help the kids relax.

Only morons do it.

Sweet.

No, ok. Seriously?

You don't understand. I have no physical coordination whatsoever.

Oh, so you're useless?

Not useless.

Look, I'm great at trivia.

Have you played Trivial Pursuit?

Oh, so you're useless and a giant geek?

Got it.

Whoa. Ha.

Whew. Come on. Jump!

[Laughing]

Are you ok?

Oh, yeah. Whoo!

Hey, whatever happened to "I just want to understand"

what makes the Bible so important to people?"

I do.

That's why I'm working on my own religion,

thank you very much.

A little thingy-ism.

A little thingy-ism?

Mm-hmm.

The belief in life that only the little things matter.

Ok.

Ok. Like, uh, when someone reads you a story

or when you're taking a bath and you've been

in there for way too long and you look down

and you have those ugly, crinkly, pruney fingertips

and it makes you laugh just like that.

Or you're busy moon bouncing when you should be in lecture hall.

Yeah, sure.

It's not like you're paying to go to school or anything.

Oh, yeah, why don't I just spew a bunch

of nerd speak and call it a day?

Hey, careful.

Try this.

Whoo!

[Laughing]

Boom. Ha ha!

Ok.

Bring it.

Oh, all right.

Ow!

You're such a dork.

[Laughing]

I'm ok.

I'm ok.

You know, you never answered my question

in class, by the way.

What's that?

Why do you study the Bible?

Uh, I don't know.

I never really thought about it, honestly.

I don't like to teach.

I hate it, actually.

Ok, well, then why would you...

Ok, I... I was an undergrad.

I thought about doing a lot of different things and then,

uh, I took my dad's Bible lit class.

Your dad's Bible lit class?

Yeah.

So, you went here as an undergrad?

Well, yeah, I've live in Ann Arbor my whole life.

Oh, ha!

What?

What a loser.

I would have gone crazy.

I couldn't wait to get out of the house.

What? Wait a minute, where are you from?

Bloomfield Hills.

Bloom... come on, that's like 45 minutes from here.

It is a really long 45 minutes.

Oh, please.

Listen, listen, Ann Arbor is a great place

to spend your life, ok?

Ok.

You out of towners all come in here

for your frat parties and your football games.

By the way, I've never been to one of those games,

not one, and I am proud of it because there's a lot

more to this city than that.

Things that you can only learn through time,

through experience,

commitment!

Uhh!

I could show you a few things.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

You just asked me out on a date.

Yeah, yeah, I did.

Good.

And we are totally going to a game.

Ha ha. Oh.

You've really never been to a Michigan game?

Never.

That's just weird.

You're weird.

[Buzzing]

Next question.

Ok. Ahem.

What award does the winner of the P.G.A. Championship receive?

Uh...

It starts with a "W."

Hey! Sorry.

The...

Ends with the "er" sound.

Err...

All right.

Sounds like a swan, ok?

Think about a swan.

Swan-a-make.

The Wannamaker Trophy.

Yes. Yes. He was the Ice.

[Buzzer]

Oh, God.

[Speaking in Latin]

No hints. No hints.

I understand that you want us to improve, ok?

But is the implementation of torture really necessary?

This isn't torture.

I got this from a friend of mine in the Psych Department.

It's science.

Maybe I should use it in my test prep class, huh?

You think these clamps would attach to a human nipple?

You in grad school, slicky? No.

Slicky ain't in grad school thank you very... wait.

What do you do, huh, o-spastic-carunculous?

[Inhales] The lumber yard.

The lum... oh, Jesus Christ.

I'm teammates with hacksaw Jim Dugan over here.

What do you guys think about getting team shirts?

Ice... yes... shit.

Oh, damn it, I gotta run.

What do you mean you gotta run?

Why do you gotta run?

Ice, you're in charge of team shirts.

Done.

From now on we meet here ever morning at 9:00 A.M. to practice.

No more third place.

We got a shot to win this bad boy.

Wait, wait, wait, 9:00 A.M.? Don't you have class then?

Yeah. Apparently, they don't even take attendance.

[Indistinct chatter]

♪ The days stumblin' by

♪ Drunk on the wine of time

♪ Hours are pilin' high

♪ As we climb towards the ending ♪

♪ Sun vary the shine

♪ Arguin' through the nights

♪ Till it's time to rise

♪ Then it comes to an ending

♪ And these mistakes that we made ♪

♪ Now they're all on parade

♪ With the wind I prayed

♪ When I prayed

♪ Goin' on as the next time escapes from a cage ♪

♪ But, no, we're not afraid

♪ No, we're not afraid

But I know...

♪ Time

♪ Time of your life

♪ Lovers will come and go

♪ We watch it all go by

♪ You and I, it's the same

♪ We'll be makin' the grade

♪ But no, we're not afraid

♪ No, we're not afraid

♪ Goin' on until next time escapes from a cage ♪

♪ But, no, we're not afraid

♪ Look out, you make me look out ♪

♪ You make me look out

♪ Would you make me look out?

♪ Look out

♪ Look out

We're number two!

Ah, ok.

Here, stop here.

Ok.

This is where I went to grade school and high school.

Father Gabriel Richard.

Three blocks from the university?

Father Gabriel Richard founded the University of Michigan.

Oh.

Besides it's at least twenty blocks

away from my preschool.

And that's a big deal.

Come on.

I'm catching up.

Here. Leave your bike here.

Ok.

Come on.

Ok.

We're almost there.

You ok? Yeah.

And this is it.

The infamous rope swing.

Oh, awesome.

When I was a kid, I used to come up here all the time

and watch my friends swing out and let go.

What about you?

Not once.

Bye.

Whoa!

Ha ha!

Whoo!

Aah!

Oh, my God. This is freezing.

My nuts are the size of peas.

Aah! Ahh.

What are you doing?

What do you think I'm doing?

What?

Here goes nothing.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Oh, my gosh!

Are you ok?

Yeah, I'm awesome.

[Laughing]

Hey.

Hey!

[Laughing]

Wow.

Ha ha.

It's worse than I thought.

What's that?

This is an original edition.

Yeah, that's right.

Do you want to play?

I'll go easy on ya, I swear.

What does this tell me about you?

Hmm? About the real Paul Tarson?

Absolutely nothing, that's the point.

Really?

Really?

Read me something.

What?

Something from the Bible.

Oh, come on, you've got your paper on the brain.

It's due in two weeks.

I would really like to hear your favorite story.

[Sighs]

Please?

All right. Fine.

[Clearing throat]

[Giggling]

"Now the serpent was more subtle

"than any beast the Lord God had made.

"And he said to the woman, did god really say

"you shall not eat from the tree in the garden?

"And the woman said to the serpent,

"we must not or we will die.

"But the woman saw the fruit was pleasing to the eyes,

so she took it and ate it and gave it to her husband to eat."

"Then they heard the Lord God walking

"in the cool of the garden and they hid.

"The Lord God called to Adam and said,

"did you eat from the fruit I commanded you not to eat?

And Adam said I did."

"So the Lord God banished him from the Garden of Eden

to work the earth from which he had been taken."

Thank you.

When I was a kid, my dad was away at lectures a lot,

conferences... Always surrounded by students

and academic bigwigs, that kind of thing.

Mm-hmm.

So, the only time that I really had him to myself

is when he was reading me Bible stories... Like that one.

He, uh... He could really bring them to life,

all of them... Solomon, David, Moses.

And, uh... Well, he was amazing.

It was like the two of us were really there together, you know?

That's the reason.

That's the reason I decided to study the Bible.

That's beautiful.

[Thunder]

Although it's not like having his wife turned

into a pillar of salt did Lot any good.

It's not like God turned him into a deer.

Ha. Get it?

Deer, salt, lick?

[Snickers]

Ok.

Ok, don't forget to leave your papers on the chair as you leave.

Thanks.

Hello. Good to see you.

Good to see you.

Hello, David, how are you?

Hello, Professor.

Hi, Allison.

Hey, Dad!

What brings you to this side of the building?

So sorry to intrude, son,

but I couldn't wait to tell you the good news.

Good news? What's going on?

I'm going to retire.

What?

Why?

Well, it's getting time for me

to cultivate my garden, son.

And with you...

Finishing your doctoral dissertation at last...

This is an ideal time to pass on that legacy.

Dad... What's going on?

A new assistant professorship.

And with your unique knowledge of my work and this university,

there's a genuine chance that you could be appointed in my place.

Take your place? [Sighs]

Well, Paul... This is tenure track.

Hard to come by.

Dad, I know. I know.

But look, I still have that writer's block and...

Still?

Yeah.

Paul, I asked you to come around

my office weeks ago if this persisted.

What have you been doing?

I've been playing...

I've been playing pub trivia.

Pub trivia?

It's fun.

Ok, listen, Dad...

I don't know if this is what I want to do.

Teach, I mean.

I... I don't...

Oh, well, that is your decision...

When you've taken enough time to make what you can call a decision...

When you've worked very hard for such an opportunity...

And to see you follow my work would make me very proud.

No, you're right.

You're right.

Thank you.

Wonderful.

Oh, there is one more thing, son.

Hmm?

It's been brought to my attention

that you've been seeing a great deal of a female student.

I don't need to tell you that such a relationship

would be quite imprudent...

Especially for a future professor.

Yea now?

Yea.

[Sighs]

♪ Here comes the red light!

Tonight, we're separating the trivia men from the trivia boys...

Because the top three teams are going to go on

to compete in the championship round next month.

♪ Because here comes the red light! ♪

[Indistinct hard rock music playing]

What happened?

You look positively tuberculin.

Hey. Ice Tigers.

Shouldn't there be stripes?

Our first question tonight comes to us

from the fascinating world of golf.

What is the name of the trophy awarded

to the winner of the P.G.A. Championship?

Ah. Nobody shits the Ice.

I need a drink.

♪ I think I left my motivation

♪ In a booth at a roadside cafe ♪

♪ Outside there's a better man who waits ♪

♪ Waits in the rain

♪ In the thunder and rain

So, at the conclusion of the first half of tonight's trivia-thon,

we've got Bikers for Obama with third place,

17 points and a rad move.

With 19 points for second place so far,

we have Denmore Darran of Culture [Indistinct].

[Applause]

And in the lead with an unprecedented perfect score

of 20 points... The Ice Tigers.

Yes. Hey, pal.

Ice Tigers.

Hey, Paul, I just wanted to come over

to say congratulations.

Oh, what is that branch from,

because we're kicking your Proto Nordic butts?

No, see, Paul is on the fast track

for a tenure position at the university.

Yeah. Yeah, word travels very quickly.

Paul? Jesus, Mary, Joseph.

Congratulations, old chum.

Well, I'm sure his papa had something to do with this?

Yea? Nay?

Screw you.

You get so mad when I mention your papa,

but if I had daddy like this, I would take his charity, too.

Yeah. And, oh, what does he think about the new girl, huh?

Does she say hello? You fool. I love you.

Come on, join my joy ride.

Yeah, you want to join the joy ride?

[All talking at once]

Save it!

Save it for trivia!

Shelly, help me please.

He's got a switchblade.

This ain't a switchblade, it's a play comb.

Ice uses it to comb his hair.

Let's see if we can't settle this like men.

Sorry.

All right, people, final question of the night here

and the special category... Elizabeth Montgomery.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

An entire category on actress Elizabeth Montgomery?

It's... my God, it's criminal.

I mean, even if we get this last answer,

we're only going to have 35 points.

Relax. Get that out of there.

I got this one, ok?

In the Montgomery TV juggernaut "Bewitched,"

the actor playing her husband Darrin

was notoriously switched in the middle

of the series without any explanation.

What were the names of the 2 actors who played Darrin?

And you got to get them both.

Damn it. This should be easy.

Whoa, you don't know?

I do. Damn, I do. I should.

It's... it's...

The first one is Dick Sargent.

The second one is...

One minute left.

Wait, Dick something.

Darrin was two Dicks?

Yes, yes. Yeah, two Dicks played Darrin.

Ok, ok, so we need all the Dicks we know, all right?

So, um... Dick Van Patten.

No. Dick Van Dyke?

No. Dick Clark?

No. Dick Cavett?

No. Dick Cheney?

Come on.

All right, I'm sorry. Andy Dick?

No, damn it. 30 seconds left.

Maybe it's not Dick.

What about like, Johnny Cochran or Courtney Cox,

Freddy Dingus, Tommy Two Balls,

Shlaun Von Shlongsting.

No, no, no, wait.

It's... it's Wilson.

It's Dick Wilson.

Ok.

He was a major actor in the mid-sixties.

He did television, theatre, movies, the whole thing.

It's got to be him.

Dick Wil... Are you sure it's Dick Wilson?

Yes.

Just because he was on Broadway

does not mean he was doing "Bewitched."

It's Dick Wilson.

That's 20 seconds.

No.

It's Dick York.

Dick York?

Yeah, Dick York.

Who the hell is that?

Dick York is the guy. He's the other Darrin.

I can't believe I didn't think of it.

No. No, it's Dick Wilson.

Listen, listen, Paul, trust me, ok?

It's Dick York.

James, I trust you, you're wrong.

Who is the pop culture expert here?

Who's the one who started this team, James?

I know the answer.

It's Dick-a-liscious.

Four, three, two...

No, he's porn. He's porn.

One. Pencils down.

Fine.

Winner.

Winner.

All right, ladies and gentlemen...

Tonight's winners...

With an impressive come from behind win, 37 points,

the Arians with a big obnoxious name.

[Applause]

In second place with a strong showing of 36 points,

we got Bikers for Obama.

[Cheering and applause]

Yeah! Yeah.

And in third place with 35 points,

our final qualifiers for next month's

trivia tournament championship...

The Luscious Lovelorn Ladies of Lister.

[Cheering and applause]

Luscious. Luscious. Luscious...

No, no, no.

Hey. Hey, what about the Ice Tigers?

Uh, Ice Tigers, let's see... Fourth with 34 points.

Sorry, fellas, but come on,

everybody knows the second Darrin is Dick York.

What about the illustrious Dick Wilson?

Mmm, great actor in a bunch of old Charmin ads

and a great catch phrase...

"Please don't squeeze the Charmin."

I love that guy.

Yeah, me, too.

I told you it was Dick York.

Oh, you told me it was Dick York.

What do you know about Dick York?

You don't know jack about Dick York.

Obviously, I know more than you.

Well, I guess you were right.

Ha ha.

Christ, we're standing out here arguing

about a magical housewife who can wrinkle her goddamn nose.

He played her husband.

Don't you guys get it? It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

So what? We lost some damn trivia contest.

We're not going to get a box of wine.

Who cares?

I'm still going to wake up tomorrow here

and I'm gonna be here forever

and ever talking about intellectual crap

that nobody cares about

and go on being Professor Elliot Tarson's son.

And what is so damn wrong with that?

He is the best father in the world

and he loves me and he would do anything for me.

And he wouldn't care if I went

and had sex with the whole English Department.

Paul, please. Your life is fantastic.

You get paid to study. To study.

I would switch with you any day of the week

and yet all you do is gripe

and moan and lament your fate ad infinitum.

Ad infinitum?

James, you are not some ancient plutonic philosopher.

You teach test prep. Test prep.

You couldn't even get in to grad school.

That's why he's not a grad student.

He was rejected.

He knows all these fancy words,

but he didn't have the grades,

so he teaches test prep.

Shit, man, Ice is done.

Ice, your name is Izzy, man. You're not the Ice.

You're a lumberjack who talks about himself in the third person,

who was really great at kickball in the fourth grade

and he carries around a comb that looks like

a switchblade, which is actually kind of cool.

I'm going home.

Yeah, yeah, you're damn right you're going home.

Ice, losers.

[Raspberry]

That's... [Raspberry]

I said hello, you fool!

I love you!

Come on! Join the joy ride!

Whoo! Yes!

Paul?

Come on!

I suck.

Ha ha.

Hello, folk!

I'm gonna catch up with you guys later.

East U?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ok, good-bye.

Bye!

Who were those guys?

Uh, they're no one. They live in my hall.

You ok?

Of course I'm ok.

What about you?

I haven't seen you in class in a while.

What about that paper?

Yea, nay.

You going to be able to get home safe?

Come on. What's the rush?

Um, well, there's this party

and it's, um... Kind of an undergrad thing.

Ah, no, no, don't be so lame.

Lame?

Listen, I'm sorry, I've had a really bad day

and you're gonna love this one, I promise.

Oh, I am? I promise.

It's right over there.

Yes?

Yes? Yes.

Ohh! Ha ha ha!

[Laughter]

[Coughing]

Shh. Shh.

Come on. Shh. Shh. Isn't this great?

God, I love how the air smells in here,

all the mustiness from the old rotting books.

Yeah, I love the smell of rotting books.

Ha ha. I'm not kidding.

No, it is really cool.

What are you doing?

Sex in the stacks.

Sss... sex in the stacks?

Yeah. Everyone has to do it at least once before they graduate.

Ok, well, I have three more years.

Well, I don't. Come on, nobody's here.

It's gonna be fun.

Ok.

Yeah?

Uh, ok.

Yeah. Uh, just get down on the ground.

Ok.

[Grunting]

Ow.

Ok.

Ok.

Oh, here.

Oh, it's really cold.

Here's a book for your head.

Nietzsche?

Use it, it's fine.

Ok.

Ahh. Ok.

Oh, wait, wait. I don't have a condom.

Oh, I do.

Really?

Here.

All right. All right.

No, I got it. I got it.

Let me. Hold on.

If you... can you just...

Yep, I'm backing up. Here.

Ok. Ow, my knees.

Oh, sorry. Ok, all right.

All right.

Wait. If you... ow.

All right. A little over.

Ok, that's good.

Yeah. Yeah.

Ok.

Wow, this is really uncomfortable.

I know.

Ok.

[Sighs]

Look, um...

My dad found out about us,

so... I'm not really going to be able to hang out with you much anymore...

Um, at all.

Oh.

Man: Ahem.

Don't make a mess.

Ha.

Ahh.

Um...

I'm late for the party.

Ok.

Ok.

I'll see you later.

Yeah.

Ohh.

♪ I feel a stirrin' down deep in my soul ♪

♪ Under my country

♪ They're my rock and roll

♪ I lost my footin' on the edge of divine ♪

♪ And I'm falling inside

Free hug.

♪ You hear that sound

♪ You hear that sound

♪ You hear that sound

♪ Well, that's me taking over your town ♪

♪ I'm coming around

♪ I'm coming around

♪ Round, round

♪ Round and round

Oh, hey, Paul, bonjour, huh?

Hello, folks!

It's an exciting day... Truly exciting day.

I've just been informed by a colleague

that my son Paul has just submitted a finished dissertation.

Paul, would you stand and take a bow?

Will you give him a round of applause?

[Applause]

Wonderful.

And in honor of the occasion,

I'd like to return now to a story

which has been important to Paul

and to me since he was a lad.

Yea, Paul?

Uh... Yea.

It's the story in "Genesis: 3" and it goes thus...

Now the serpent was more subtle

than any of the beasts in the field,

which the Lord God made.

We're all the same thing.

Thank you so much.

You're just fine. Go straight forward.

On yours, I like your idea very much.

I think it will be good.

And yours, as well, I think.

Best wishes with it.

Thanks.

Hi, Paul.

Hey.

Oh, I hope you don't mind

a father's indulging his pride in you.

I thought we both might enjoy that.

I did, Dad.

Your dissertation defenses I understand is Friday at 6:00?

I know I'm not on your dissertation committee,

but I'd like to be there.

You don't mind, do you?

Of course not.

Son, I'm proud.

Naomi, hey.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, god, sorry, I have morning breath.

Guess what?

What?

I finished the mighty dissertation.

Really? Yeah.

Congratulations.

And I figured out what I'm doing next year.

Where are you going to go?

I'm gonna stay here.

You are?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm going to be assistant professor

in English lit. It's a tenure track.

Sweet.

Sweet.

You're not happy?

I mean, it's a great opportunity.

And it's in Ann Arbor and all my friends are here.

Yeah, totally.

My family's here. You're here.

What?

What?

Nothing, uh...

I feel like we've been having a great time together.

I wouldn't want to wreck it by leaving.

Uh, we have been having a good time,

but, Paul, I'm a freshman in college.

You're like 79 years old.

You're my T.A.

Didn't your dad yell at you for hanging out with me?

Ok, I can handle that.

And next year I won't be your T.A, so...

Next year?

Ok, I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow

or in a week and you're talking about next year?

This is way too much for me.

Are you seeing someone else?

What?

Are you... of course, look at you.

It's the classic walk of shame.

Oh, classic?

Yeah, classic, yeah. Who is it?

Is it that chode from lecture, right?

Chode? What is a chode?

It's a dick that's wider than it is long.

No, I'm not seeing a chode.

I'm not seeing anyone from lecture hall.

Paul, I'm not seeing you.

Look, I am just trying to have fun for the first time in my life,

a doctrine of little thingy-ism.

Right.

Yeah, ok. You know what?

You do what you got to do.

Stay in Ann Arbor, tenure track, awesome.

I have shit I have to do, ok?

Hey, you know, you can't get rid of me that easily.

I'm still your T.A.

Excuse me?

You owe me a paper and those absences...

Screw you, Paul.

Look, Naomi, I'm sorry.

You know, if I were you, I'd think about seeing

a shrink because you clearly have some major daddy issues.

Really?

Really.

Oh, sure, I'm on tenure track!

Free hug, dude?

Get a life!

[Door slams]

All right, everybody,

open your Tarson Guides to Chapter 23.

To hell with this.

I suck at lecturing.

Yeah, you know it. I know it.

We all know it.

Besides, this is a discussion section, right?

So, let's discuss something.

Ok, yeah.

What should we discuss?

How about my dissertation?

[All groaning]

Yeah, all right, all right.

Uh, what about the, uh, the story that Professor Tarson

told in class today? Adam and Eve in the Garden.

Ok? What did you guys think about that?

What does that story mean?

Yeah?

It's about sin, disobedience.

Yeah, ok, good.

It's about Adam and Eve doing something wrong, right?

Sinning. And we all know sinning is horrible, right?

But...but...let me ask you this...

Let's say you were Adam or Eve

and what would you do if you saw that apple?

Would you take a bite?

Yeah?

Of course not, that's disobeying God.

Ok, anyone other than Sara?

[Laughing]

Come on, come on. You're gonna survive, I promise. Yeah?

I'd do it. What the hell?

It's shiny, it's crisp, I'm hungry.

Besides, Paradise seems like it would be kind of boring.

Ha ha, boring. Huh.

Yeah?

Come on.

Paradise can't be boring, it's Paradise.

Totally boring.

Spending every day in some garden,

no working, no shopping.

Shit, man, that sounds like Paradise to me.

[Laughter]

Oh, to hell with raising your hands, just jump in. Go.

Uh, yeah, and what about all the awesome stories

in the Bible... Uh, Moses, David, Jesus?

I mean, none of that would have happened

if Adam and Eve weren't tossed out of Paradise.

Good. Great.

So, maybe Paradise isn't all it's cracked up to be?

So, does that mean that maybe there's some benefit to challenging God?

No. You have to do what God says,

that's the point, he's God.

Well, it's like when you were a little kid

and you steal from the cookie jar.

Sure, you know it's bad to break the rules,

but where would you be if you didn't break any rules?

What does eating apples have to do with cookie jars?

And if she didn't eat the apple, does that mean more cookies?

[Laughing] Yes. Yes, exactly.

Now, what are we doing right now?

What have we been doing?

In discussing this, we've been questioning.

We're challenging. Yes.

Just like...

Adam and Eve.

So, by doing this, by challenging,

it's like we're creating our own creation story.

Exactly. Exactly.

It's almost as if in the very act of destruction,

we've been creating literature.

We've been creating something...

Holy.

Divine.

And that, ladies and gentlemen...

Is my dissertation.

Oh.

Man: Nice.

[Applause]

Hey, James, thanks for coming.

I came here for one reason and for one reason alone.

Uhh!

Ahem.

What was that?

Uh, it was supposed to be a punch.

You spilled my coffee.

All right, I deserved that...

Or maybe something more effective than that.

Yeah, well, you were right.

Test prep is a nefarious, abhorrent,

execrable, and I clearly do use a lot

of big words to make up for my failings.

No. No, the big words are great.

They're you. It's just... i was dealing

with a lot of stuff and I really blew it for you

and the Ice Tigers and I'm sorry.

Well, apology gladly accepted, old chum.

It's like you said at the outset though,

trivia is completely meaningless, you know?

Who gives a damn whether we win or lose?

Are you sure?

Because I recently had a conversation with one Brian Collins.

From Ashley's? Why?

Well, I didn't know what I was going to say when I went in there,

but I knew I wasn't leaving until I got

the Ice Tigers back in that championship.

Yeah, but we lost.

But Brian Collins told me that the security cameras

at the eight ball caught the second place team

using their iPods to cheat.

Bikers for Obama? No.

Yeah, disqualified.

You mean...

You're in, baby.

Hallelujah. My life has meaning.

Well, hold... Wait a second.

What do you mean you're in?

My dissertation defense is the same night as the championship.

What are we going to do?

What do you mean what are you going to do?

You and Izzy are going to play.

You're going to be the Ice Tigers.

That's preposterous.

We can't play without you.

Of course you can.

We're going to get obliterated.

Bullshit. You know as much about history as I do.

You know more about pop culture.

Izzy is going to destroy on sports.

You guys don't need me, you're gonna win this.

Yeah, but what about you?

You spent the last seven years sleepwalking

through academia and you finally found one thing

in your life that actually makes you happy,

no matter how stupid or small it is.

And you're just going to throw it away and for what?

For what you want or for what he wants?

James, it's trivia.

Save me some box wine.

[Dial tone]

[Sighs]

[Dialing telephone]

[Line ringing]

[Clearing throat]

Hey, it's Naomi Nahas. You know what to do.

[Beep]

Hello, Naomi Nahas.

I, uh... Haven't seen you in a while... Around.

I mean, not... not about... I'm not talking about class at all.

Um, sorry. I just meant socially.

I mean, in a purely social way.

Listen, um...

I have my dissertation defense tomorrow

and Hoguefeld says it's essentially

a job interview, so I guess it's not exactly a little thing.

I guess.

Um...

[Hangs up telephone]

[Indistinct conversations]

But that's what it's all about.

That's what it's all about.

Ah, Mr. Tarson.

Dr. Hoguefeld.

Professors.

Mr. Tarson, you'll have 20 minutes to present

an overview of your work,

after which we'll begin the oral part of the examination.

Understood?

Yes, sir.

[Sighs] Ahem.

Tonight I'd like to elucidate on what I believe

to be a very provocative thesis,

that storytelling in the Bible and western canon,

represent the ultimate act of both creation

and destruction of transcendence and transgression.

Language is life.

It is in a word, holy.

The greatest power in the hand of God or man is...

Is the power to tell one's own story.

Fascinating, Mr. Tarson, continue.

Paul... Pay attention.

I'm sorry. I think I want to do things a little differently.

I'd like to play a game.

It's an old favorite of mine and I hope yours, too.

Trivial Pursuit.

Paul.

Um, Mr. Tarson...

It's very relevant, I assure you.

Fine.

Thank you, sir.

Uh, Dr. Smies, would you like to play?

Uh, ok.

Thank you.

Now, who would like to roll first?

Dr. Hoguefield, what do you say?

Fine.

Orange. Sports and Leisure.

Dr. Smies, if you wouldn't mind reading it.

In...in what hospital was Paul Tarson born?

I beg your pardon?

Oh, I forgot to mention,

this is the official Paul Tarson Edition.

The University of Michigan Hospital.

Yes, that's right. That's right, Dad.

It's four blocks away, you videotaped the whole thing

so you could show me off to your friends.

Unfortunately, that was Dr. Hoguefeld's turn,

so he'll have to roll again if you don't mind, sir.

Ahem.

Green, Science and Nature.

When and where did Paul Tarson lose his virginity?

What? That's a tough one.

I'll give you the answer.

I was 20. It was in my dorm at the West Quad,

just a block away, actually, it was one of my dad's T.A.s.

I always wondered if that's why he introduced us.

Son. Dr. Gordon, your turn.

Yellow, History.

Despite a less than perfect 3.8 GPA,

Paul Tarson was easily admitted

to the prestigious University of Michigan graduate school.

What teacher made certain he got all...

This is really... wait.

Let me guess.

Um... Dr. Elliot Tarson?

Correct.

I did no such thing.

Good answer, Dr. Gordon. That's a yellow wedge.

Dr. Aesis, your turn, please.

Blue, Geography.

Is it just me

or do these questions bear no relation to the category?

You got me there, Dr. Smies.

As we all know, Paul Tarson is virtually guaranteed

an assistant professorship unless he royally screws this up.

How the hell is he doing so far?

Not very well at all.

Mr. Tarson, do you have any idea of what's at stake here?

Yes, sir. I'm not taking any of this trivially.

Son, you and I are leaving.

Now.

Now.

Wait, wait, wait. No, I haven't had my turn.

Oh, for...

Sorry, Dad, you heard the man, he wants to play.

Ok.

Ha.

Where will Paul Tarson be next year?

I'm guessing that it won't be here.

Hmm.

Good answer, Dr. Smies.

Paul?

Paul?

I'm sorry, but I have to do this.

Look, I used to think all the little things were just little,

ways to escape my life, but they are my life.

All the details in those cards,

they're not meaningless, they're me.

I tried so hard for you.

I'm taking my bite out of that apple, dad.

It's time for me to leave.

Paul... Do you understand what you're losing here?

What you're throwing away?

Absolutely.

Is everything copasetic, old chum?

Yeah.

Yeah, old chum, everything is very copasetic.

Don't shit that bitch, pussy.

I-C-E.

Ice.

One, two, three.

All: Shit!

[Rock music playing]

This is it.

The best minds Ann Arbor has to offer.

It's quite intimidating.

Men.

Who Ice gonna be shitting tonight?

Over there we got the wizard people.

That mean looking guy is Kevin Homestead.

And he is a local trivial legend.

Well, what about that guy?

Organic trail mix.

It's gluten free.

Nobody actually knows that guy's name,

but he calls himself The Anarchist.

What about these tool bags?

Bill, Doug, and Stan.

What's their team name?

Bill, Doug, and Stan. They're just really nice guys, actually.

May the best team win.

[Laughing]

Then of course we got the, uh...

Hey, Paul. Hey. What are you doing here, huh?

Did the dissertation defense already fail, huh?

That was quick.

You know, this place here is a place

of champions and honor, not a place for losers.

Yeah, well, we might be losers,

but we're back in the tournament, all right?

Hey, Paul, do you know what our team name is?

[Speaking in Swedish]

Do you know what this means?

It means the murderers of culture

in heaven [Indistinct]. Huh?

Remember that, huh?

Ha ha.

All right, people.

This is it.

The finalists from both brackets.

The first annual Ann Arbor trivia tournament grand championship!

[Cheering and applause]

[Chanting] Trivia! Trivia!

Trivia! Trivia!

Trivia! Trivia!

Trivia! Trivia!

Trivia! Trivia!

Trivia! Trivia!

Trivia! Trivia!

[Cheering and applause]

Oh. It's, uh... It's been a long journey.

We all know what's at stake here.

A box of 2007 I'italia rose.

A pack of Sex Candy condoms...

And the chance for you to be winners.

So, let's get started.

[Cheering and applause]

The first category... The King James Bible.

Ah.

Ha.

Let's do this.

[Laughing]

Yeah.

On what mount did Moses encounter the burning bush?

Don't pretend like you know that.

Female anatomy.

What is the term for the distinctive folds

found inside the fallopian tubes?

Oh, man, that's just gross.

Here's to good clean fun.

Sweden has had three Noble Laureates in literature, name two.

Something new here, in the sport of kickball,

what kind of pitch qualifies as a bounce hit?

Ice!

All right, people, the first half was...

The first half was very competitive.

We have world class trivialists here.

[Scattered cheering]

In fourth, but still close with 14 points,

we got the Wizard People.

[Applause]

And in third with 17, we got The Anarchist.

[Applause] Castro rules.

In second place is Denmore Darran...

And the Ice Tigers tied with 18.

And in first place going into the second half...

Excuse me, Mr. Collins,

there's only 6 teams, correct?

No dip shit.

There was a tie in the other bracket,

so they qualified 4.

Now, if you'll let me finish.

In first place with 19 points

and an excellent first half,

So Frosh, So Clean.

[Cheering and applause]

Are you shitting me, Naomi?

Naomi?

What are you doing here?

Uh, kicking your ass.

This is Mark, Steve, and, oh, that's Sean,

uh, the chode from lecture hall.

Yeah, that's fine.

Uh, ok, but you said that trivia was for nerds and geeks and dorks.

Paul, that's me.

In high school I was captain of the Quiz Bowl team.

Hell, I was valedictorian.

I studied 24/7 and I'm sick of it.

Hence Naomi's new doctrine of little thingy-ism.

Oh, hey, 5 out of 5 on the Bible section.

I had a kick ass teacher.

All right, everybody, question 20, last of the tournament.

The Lynn Redgrave movie "Georgie Girl"

may be best remembered for its classic song "Georgie Girl."

What are the lyrics to the song?

All of them.

Ok, ok, "Georgie Girl."

♪ Georgie girl

Ok, we know how it starts, it goes... it goes,

♪ Hey there, Georgie girl

♪ Flappin' in the wind who knows your name ♪

No, no. That's absurd. It's...

♪ Hey there, Georgie girl

♪ Swimmin' in the ocean full of glee ♪

No, that's ridiculous. It's... it's...

That's not ridiculous.

Do I have to bring up the whole, uh, Dick York fiasco again?

Oh, ok. Ok, so we'll do it this way.

[Yawning] I'm not trying to do it.

No.

♪ Hey there, Georgie girl

♪ Swingin' down the streets so fancy free ♪

♪ Nobody you meet could ever see ♪

♪ The loneliness there inside you ♪

What?

♪ Hey there, Georgie girl

♪ Why do all the boys just pass you by? ♪

♪ Could it be you just don't try? ♪

♪ Or is it the clothes you wear? ♪

♪ Hey there, Georgie girl

♪ There's another Georgie deep inside ♪

♪ Bring out all the love you hide ♪

♪ And oh, what a change there'd be ♪

♪ The world would see

♪ A new Georgie girl

It was written by Jim Dale and performed by The Seekers.

Are you sure?

When the Ice was growing up, he fell in love with a girl.

She lived down the street.

She had bangs rippled like a washboard.

Eyes blue like an impala.

Lips red like really red lipstick.

Ice never spoke to her,

but... She knew the way to Ice's heart.

So, she was his girl.

She was his Georgie girl.

What was her name?

Tiffany.

All right, it's been a hell of a few months.

A hell of a tournament and I just want to say I'm deeply

proud of every single one of you

for how little you truly accomplished.

But guess what? It ain't over.

That's right, we got a tie.

3-way tie. What?

With 37 points between them,

So Frosh, So Clean,

Denmore Darran of [Indistinct],

and the only team to get the last question right...

The Ice Tigers.

Yeah! Georgie Girl.

Shit!

All right, ok, settle down, geniuses.

We're gonna have a tie-breaker to determine the grand champ.

One sudden death question to be answered

by one representative from each team.

So, choose your rep now and choose wisely.

Paul...shit.

Ok.

Ok.

Paul... I'm going to annihilate you.

All right, so this being the first annual

Ann Arbor trivia tournament,

it's only right that the final question be Ann Arbor trivia.

The University of Michigan was founded in 1817,

the first university to be established by any of the country's states.

What local priest was one of the founders?

What local priest was one of the founders?

Everybody set?

All right, let's see what you all got.

Koucan?

Ooh, not quite.

So Frosh?

Father Boshan Beckler?

Ooh, excellent guess, but no.

All right, Ice Tigers, we're waiting on you.

Father Gabriel Richard.

Pardon?

Ha.

Father Gabriel Richard.

Father Gabriel Richard, it is.

[Cheering and applause]

We win. We win.

[Cheering and applause]

Yeah!

Ice Tigers, go!

Yeah! Yeah!

[Cheering and applause]

Hey!

Hey, Ice Tiger!

Congratulations.

You knew the answer to that last question.

The name of my high school, I told you myself.

Yeah, but Ann Arbor's your town.

It will always be yours.

What is this?

Your paper?

What happened to your doctrine and everything?

Well, every good religion has to adapt with the times.

Besides, I'm in college.

I should probably start going to class and studying.

Maybe.

Ha ha.

How did your defense go?

Uh, not great, actually.

What? Yeah.

Really? Yeah.

I have no idea what I'm going to do.

Really?

Well, how does that feel?

It feels pretty great.

Yeah?

Bye, Paul.

Ice Tigers.

Champ!

Old chum, I'm going back to school.

That's it.

And me and Shelly, we're gonna get married.

Did you see that?

We're gonna have a plethora of babies.

And that's the end of it.

You got to come back inside, man, this party is raging.

[Vomiting] Aah!

[Screaming]

Did you see that?

I'm really an accountant.

[Laughing]

Is he ok?

I think so.

How's your 401-K?

Let's go inside. Let's go inside.

♪ Sometimes in the morning

♪ I am petrified and can't move ♪

♪ Awake, but cannot open my eyes ♪

♪ And the weight is crushing down on my lungs ♪

♪ I know I can't breathe

♪ And hope someone will save me this time ♪

♪ And your mother's still calling you ♪

♪ Insane and high

♪ Swearing it's different this time ♪

♪ Then you hang up the phone

♪ And feel badly for upsetting things ♪

♪ Crawl back into bed to dream of a time ♪

♪ When your heart was open wide ♪

♪ And you loved things just because ♪

♪ Like the sick and the dying... ♪

Hey, man.

You ok?

Yeah.

It's just one of those days, you know?

Yeah, yeah, I do.

Well, come on.

Thanks.

It's all yours.

See you around, man.

No. No, you won't.

Right on.

♪ And sometimes when you're on

♪ You're really fucking on

♪ And your friends, they sing along ♪

♪ And they love you

♪ But the lows are so extreme

♪ That the good seems fucking cheap ♪

♪ And it teases you for weeks in its absence ♪

♪ But you'll fight

♪ And you'll make it through

♪ You'll fake it if you have to ♪

♪ And you'll show up to work with a smile ♪

♪ You'll be better

♪ And you'll be smarter and more grown up ♪

♪ And a better daughter or son

♪ And a real good friend

♪ And you'll be awake

♪ You'll be alert

♪ You'll be positive, though it hurts ♪

♪ And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends ♪

♪ And you'll be a real good listener ♪

♪ You'll be honest, you'll be brave ♪

♪ You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful ♪

♪ You'll be happy

♪ Your ship may be comin' in

♪ You're weak but not givin' in ♪

♪ To the cries and the wails of the valley below ♪

♪ And your ship may be comin' in ♪

♪ You're weak but not givin' in ♪

♪ And you'll fight it

♪ You'll go out fightin' all of 'em ♪

♪ Here we go to victory

♪ Every man and every play

♪ Michigan expects the varsity to win ♪

♪ Today!

♪ Rah, rah, rah, rah, rah

♪ All for Michigan

♪ Varsity win for you

♪ Here for you to cheer for you ♪

♪ We will play for you

♪ For varsity

♪ Put up!

♪ Hail!

♪ To the Victors Valiant

♪ Hail!

♪ To the conquering heroes

♪ Hail!

♪ Hail!

♪ To Michigan

♪ The leaders and best!

♪ Hail!

♪ To the Victors Valiant

♪ Hail!

♪ To the conquering heroes

♪ Hail!

♪ Hail!

♪ To Michigan

♪ The champions of the West!

♪ Victory

♪ Hail!

♪ To the Victors Valiant

♪ Hail!

♪ To the conquering heroes

♪ Hail!

♪ Hail!

♪ To Michigan

♪ The champions of the West