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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:16,808 Hello, pigs. 2 00:00:16,891 --> 00:00:20,061 I think we can all agree that America is a rotting corpse of an empire 3 00:00:20,145 --> 00:00:21,563 and we live in hell. 4 00:00:21,646 --> 00:00:24,232 So when Netflix gave us a bunch of money to make a... 5 00:00:24,315 --> 00:00:26,609 whatever-the-fuck-we're-doing about the election, 6 00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:30,363 we figured, why waste our time talking to politicians? 7 00:00:30,447 --> 00:00:34,367 Let's talk to the food-poisoned, drug-addicted sex criminals who live here. 8 00:00:34,451 --> 00:00:36,286 -[crowd cheering] -Yeah! 9 00:00:36,369 --> 00:00:37,620 [Tim Dillon] Come on. 10 00:00:37,704 --> 00:00:40,999 My name is Tim Dillon, and regrettably, This Is Your Country. 11 00:00:41,082 --> 00:00:43,460 [cheering] 12 00:00:43,543 --> 00:00:46,046 [1980's-style synth theme playing] 13 00:00:46,129 --> 00:00:47,547 Why is it your business 14 00:00:47,630 --> 00:00:50,008 if your cousin wants to pop her P for cash? 15 00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:51,634 Kill that Canadian bitch 16 00:00:51,718 --> 00:00:53,595 -after the fucking show. -[chanting] USA! USA! 17 00:00:53,678 --> 00:00:55,305 {\an8}One coffee a day, not two or three. 18 00:00:55,388 --> 00:00:57,265 {\an8}-Okay, Hitler. -[crowd laughing] 19 00:00:57,348 --> 00:00:59,184 {\an8}If you love her, pay her. 20 00:00:59,267 --> 00:01:00,268 {\an8}Thank you! 21 00:01:00,351 --> 00:01:02,812 You know why? It's the greatest country in the world. 22 00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:05,523 [crowd applauding, cheering] 23 00:01:06,775 --> 00:01:10,528 [chanting] Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! 24 00:01:10,612 --> 00:01:12,655 [cheering continues] 25 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:16,868 [music fades] 26 00:01:18,453 --> 00:01:21,956 He massages BBLs on OnlyFans for a living, 27 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:26,044 but he's here to tell his girlfriend he also is a porn star. 28 00:01:26,127 --> 00:01:27,754 [crowd whooping] 29 00:01:27,837 --> 00:01:32,342 That's right, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome William to the show. 30 00:01:32,425 --> 00:01:36,096 -[funky synth music playing] -[crowd cheering] 31 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:41,267 [indistinct chatter] 32 00:01:41,351 --> 00:01:43,061 -William, how are you? -[William] Yes. 33 00:01:43,144 --> 00:01:44,521 I'm doing amazing. 34 00:01:44,604 --> 00:01:46,940 You massage 35 00:01:48,149 --> 00:01:50,693 Brazilian butt lifts for a living. 36 00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:51,903 Yes, I do. 37 00:01:51,986 --> 00:01:53,738 And you do that on OnlyFans? 38 00:01:53,822 --> 00:01:57,075 {\an8}I do that on OnlyFans, and I do that for my job as well. 39 00:01:57,158 --> 00:01:59,702 {\an8}And do you do any other type of massage? 40 00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:01,454 I mean, I'm trained in all areas, 41 00:02:01,538 --> 00:02:04,082 but I focus on the... the glutes. 42 00:02:04,165 --> 00:02:06,459 [scattered laughing] 43 00:02:06,543 --> 00:02:09,003 What is it? Is it like kneading a good sourdough? 44 00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:10,964 -What is... -[laughs] 45 00:02:11,047 --> 00:02:13,258 In fact, know what, William? Why don't you just show us? 46 00:02:13,341 --> 00:02:15,176 -No problem. -Bring out the BBL. 47 00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:16,636 [crowd cheering] 48 00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:22,684 [Tim] Bring out the BBL, baby! 49 00:02:22,767 --> 00:02:25,395 William, I want you to stand up, 50 00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:27,230 and I want you to walk the audience 51 00:02:27,313 --> 00:02:29,691 -through a BBL massage. -[William] Definitely. Definitely. 52 00:02:30,608 --> 00:02:32,902 Well, this... this might be pre-BBL. 53 00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,529 [crowd laughing] 54 00:02:34,612 --> 00:02:37,866 Gotta lube it up or moisturize it up, put a little bit in your hands, 55 00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:40,910 and then you want to just slowly caress. 56 00:02:42,537 --> 00:02:45,123 Is there any special technique other than 57 00:02:45,206 --> 00:02:49,210 what I... what we just saw, really, is you just kind of grabbing an ass. 58 00:02:49,294 --> 00:02:50,128 [William] Yes. 59 00:02:50,211 --> 00:02:51,045 [crowd laughing] 60 00:02:51,129 --> 00:02:53,965 {\an8}So as you're massaging it, you want to just check in with them, 61 00:02:54,048 --> 00:02:57,093 {\an8}you know, from time to time, ask them, "Hey, how's it doing?" 62 00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:58,428 "You want more pressure?" 63 00:02:58,511 --> 00:03:00,889 Sometimes, you know, they'll moan instead of saying yes, 64 00:03:00,972 --> 00:03:01,931 -so... -[Tim] Right. 65 00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:05,852 You know, when they moan, they'll probably moan like, "Oh, yes. Yes!" 66 00:03:05,935 --> 00:03:10,231 Does your girlfriend have any issue with you doing this specific type of massage? 67 00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:13,401 Unfortunately, my girlfriend does have a huge issue with it. 68 00:03:13,484 --> 00:03:15,695 -Yeah. [laughs] -But I try to explain to her... 69 00:03:15,778 --> 00:03:17,447 That's shocking that she has a big... 70 00:03:17,530 --> 00:03:20,825 I'm trying to explain to her, "This is what I was born to do." 71 00:03:20,909 --> 00:03:21,910 [Tim] That's right. 72 00:03:21,993 --> 00:03:24,621 -I was put on Earth to do this. -That's right. To do this. 73 00:03:24,704 --> 00:03:26,831 -[crowd cheering] -He knows what he wants. 74 00:03:27,415 --> 00:03:32,545 Now, listen, you didn't fly here just to show people, 75 00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:36,132 "Here's how to massage an ass that we bought at the Halloween store." 76 00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:37,508 [scattered chuckling] 77 00:03:38,134 --> 00:03:41,012 Okay? I'm kidding, this couple let us borrow it, you know? 78 00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:43,348 What, uh... [laughing] 79 00:03:43,431 --> 00:03:47,477 You're here to confess to your girlfriend that you used to do porn. 80 00:03:48,144 --> 00:03:48,978 Yeah. 81 00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:51,064 [boisterous cheering] 82 00:03:51,814 --> 00:03:53,399 -[crowd chanting] Bring her out! -William... 83 00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:55,276 Bring her out! Bring her out! 84 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:58,488 -All right, ladies and gentlemen... -[chanting fades] 85 00:03:58,571 --> 00:04:01,532 please welcome Shireiny to the show. 86 00:04:01,616 --> 00:04:02,700 [cheering] 87 00:04:02,784 --> 00:04:05,370 Are you fucking kidding me? Yo, three years. 88 00:04:05,453 --> 00:04:08,289 Three years of this fucking bullshit I gotta deal with you. 89 00:04:08,373 --> 00:04:10,625 This shit is fucking crazy and mad embarrassing. 90 00:04:10,708 --> 00:04:14,045 Shireiny, what is... What is making you, uh, upset? 91 00:04:14,128 --> 00:04:16,756 {\an8}What's making me upset is he be around ass and titties all day. 92 00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:18,591 {\an8}Like, do you not have enough at home? 93 00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:19,550 {\an8}It's a job. 94 00:04:19,634 --> 00:04:21,636 -All right, well, get another job! -It's a job. 95 00:04:21,719 --> 00:04:22,804 Get another job! 96 00:04:22,887 --> 00:04:24,973 Why don't you go fucking work at Target? Huh? 97 00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:26,683 -You got the outfit for it. -Target. 98 00:04:26,766 --> 00:04:28,851 [crowd laughing, cheering] 99 00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:31,354 [William] What a comedienne. What a jokester. Little jokester. 100 00:04:31,437 --> 00:04:33,773 How would you feel if I was around dick all day? Huh? 101 00:04:33,856 --> 00:04:35,817 Dick in my face all day? 102 00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:37,902 Well, William is here 103 00:04:38,611 --> 00:04:40,071 to tell you something. 104 00:04:40,154 --> 00:04:42,490 William, this is your moment of truth. 105 00:04:42,573 --> 00:04:43,449 {\an8}[William sighs] 106 00:04:45,368 --> 00:04:47,245 {\an8}I used to do... I did porn. 107 00:04:47,328 --> 00:04:48,204 What? 108 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:49,622 [crowd gasping] 109 00:04:49,706 --> 00:04:51,291 -No. -It was in the past. 110 00:04:51,374 --> 00:04:53,960 -Y'all pranking me, right? Nah. -It was in the past. 111 00:04:54,460 --> 00:04:55,503 It was... It's... 112 00:04:55,586 --> 00:04:59,048 Can you be more specific by "porn?" What do you mean by porn? 113 00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:01,509 I recorded myself having sex with women. 114 00:05:02,635 --> 00:05:03,970 That does sound like porn. 115 00:05:04,053 --> 00:05:05,305 [crowd laughing] 116 00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:08,558 And you brought me here to tell me that? 117 00:05:09,475 --> 00:05:11,728 I want to come clean, to put everything on the table. 118 00:05:11,811 --> 00:05:13,396 I wanna just start fresh. 119 00:05:13,479 --> 00:05:16,024 I'm gonna sit over here, 'cause I'm disgusted right now. 120 00:05:16,107 --> 00:05:18,359 -[Tim] Wow. -[crowd cheering] 121 00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:19,944 William, William... 122 00:05:20,028 --> 00:05:21,863 Why didn't you tell me that when we met? 123 00:05:21,946 --> 00:05:24,991 Because if you can't handle... If you can't handle me doing massages, 124 00:05:25,074 --> 00:05:28,036 I know for a fact you could not handle me doing porn. Come on now. 125 00:05:28,119 --> 00:05:30,913 If you can't handle him at his BBL massage, 126 00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:33,499 you don't deserve him at his, uh, porn. 127 00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:35,126 [crowd chuckling] 128 00:05:35,209 --> 00:05:37,545 There's somebody else who's been listening as well. 129 00:05:37,628 --> 00:05:39,464 It's not just your beautiful girlfriend here. 130 00:05:39,547 --> 00:05:41,799 -What? He got another girl? -[Tim] No, hold on. 131 00:05:41,883 --> 00:05:43,634 Well, yes and no. 132 00:05:43,718 --> 00:05:44,761 [crowd] Ooh... 133 00:05:44,844 --> 00:05:46,346 -[Tim] Yes and no. -Nah. 134 00:05:46,429 --> 00:05:49,932 Ladies and gentlemen, William's mother is backstage. 135 00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:51,726 [crowd cheering, laughing] 136 00:05:51,809 --> 00:05:54,312 And she probably has a few opinions. 137 00:05:54,395 --> 00:05:58,900 Please welcome Sata, everybody! 138 00:05:58,983 --> 00:06:00,443 [crowd cheering] 139 00:06:00,526 --> 00:06:02,070 Hey, Mama! 140 00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:03,363 [William] Yo... 141 00:06:06,949 --> 00:06:09,577 Well, fill her in, William, for what's been going on. 142 00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:11,954 [William exhaling] Yo, this is crazy. 143 00:06:12,830 --> 00:06:14,248 {\an8}-[Shireiny] Shit is crazy. -I, uh... 144 00:06:14,332 --> 00:06:15,375 {\an8}Yo, what the hell? 145 00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:18,795 {\an8}I came clean to Shireiny about me doing porn. 146 00:06:18,878 --> 00:06:21,672 -You knew he used to do porn? -Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 147 00:06:22,757 --> 00:06:23,966 Wait. Wait a second. 148 00:06:25,426 --> 00:06:26,803 Doing porn? 149 00:06:27,595 --> 00:06:29,847 -Yes. I did porn. -Not OnlyFans, porn porn. 150 00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:31,474 -Same thing. -Having sex? 151 00:06:31,557 --> 00:06:32,392 It's not. 152 00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:36,854 It's the... Yes. It was, like, three years ago. 153 00:06:37,355 --> 00:06:38,940 -[man] He's still doing it! -[woman] Liar! 154 00:06:39,023 --> 00:06:42,276 William, when did you stop? When did you stop doing porn? 155 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:43,986 {\an8}-Wait a second. I'm sorry. -[Tim] Yeah. 156 00:06:44,862 --> 00:06:46,823 {\an8}You went to school... 157 00:06:46,906 --> 00:06:47,865 {\an8}Right. 158 00:06:48,574 --> 00:06:49,659 {\an8}...to do film. 159 00:06:50,618 --> 00:06:51,869 [crowd laughing] 160 00:06:51,953 --> 00:06:54,831 I'm not understanding. I bought you all the equipment. 161 00:06:54,914 --> 00:06:56,666 -I bought you cameras. -I know. 162 00:06:56,749 --> 00:06:58,626 I bought you lights, I bought you booms, 163 00:06:58,709 --> 00:07:00,837 I bought you the stuff. I'm not understanding. 164 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,213 I make a really good living. 165 00:07:02,296 --> 00:07:05,216 Can you tell us how much money you're making doing this? 166 00:07:05,299 --> 00:07:06,217 Six figures. 167 00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:08,886 'Cause I'm not only doing the porn, 168 00:07:08,970 --> 00:07:12,056 I can... I shoot the porn, I edit the porn. 169 00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:13,933 I'm knee-deep in this porn industry. 170 00:07:14,016 --> 00:07:15,101 [crowd applauding] 171 00:07:15,184 --> 00:07:16,853 -Yeah! -Whoo! 172 00:07:17,728 --> 00:07:18,813 Hold on. Wait, wait, wait. 173 00:07:19,564 --> 00:07:21,232 What's your porn name? 174 00:07:21,816 --> 00:07:23,109 It's "Long Willy." 175 00:07:23,192 --> 00:07:25,069 [crowd laughing] 176 00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:26,737 Long... [laughs] 177 00:07:26,821 --> 00:07:30,366 Sata, your son is a very enterprising young man... 178 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:33,244 I wanna say this. Kim Kardashian, she had a sex tape. Look... 179 00:07:33,327 --> 00:07:36,247 -That was a secret sex tape. -[William] Wait! She had a sex tape. 180 00:07:36,330 --> 00:07:38,583 -A billionaire off a sex tape. -[Tim] That's a good point. 181 00:07:38,666 --> 00:07:41,169 -That's a good point for William. -[William] Come on. 182 00:07:41,252 --> 00:07:42,920 -Kim Kardashian... -Thank you. 183 00:07:43,004 --> 00:07:45,381 ...that is our most successful whore. 184 00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,383 -Yes. -[Tim] That is a very good point. 185 00:07:48,050 --> 00:07:50,595 Can you stand up, sir? Now, you watch porn. 186 00:07:50,678 --> 00:07:52,472 -Let me ask you a question. -[laughing] 187 00:07:52,555 --> 00:07:55,099 How do you feel about a young man 188 00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:57,351 doing porn and making money from it? 189 00:07:57,435 --> 00:07:59,520 -I think he's an entrepreneur. -My man. 190 00:07:59,604 --> 00:08:02,106 If you had a child, would you mind if they did porn? 191 00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:03,483 I wouldn't let them do porn. 192 00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:04,901 -[Shireiny] Exactly. -So you... 193 00:08:04,984 --> 00:08:07,361 -Do you find that a little hypocritical? -Yeah. 194 00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:10,114 -But you wouldn't let your child do porn? -[laughing] No. 195 00:08:10,823 --> 00:08:13,201 But you watch a lot of fucking porn. 196 00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:17,205 I mean, if people went on your laptop right now, 197 00:08:17,288 --> 00:08:19,790 they wouldn't be able to sleep, let's be honest. 198 00:08:19,874 --> 00:08:21,334 And it's not regular porn. 199 00:08:21,417 --> 00:08:24,253 It's women's heads going through glass tables, it's bad. 200 00:08:25,046 --> 00:08:27,673 You can't cum unless someone's bleeding. Let's be honest. 201 00:08:27,757 --> 00:08:30,218 The things that are on your laptop... 202 00:08:30,301 --> 00:08:33,304 All right, sit down before the FBI gets here. Uh... 203 00:08:34,138 --> 00:08:37,225 Are you massaging anyone right now on OnlyFans 204 00:08:37,308 --> 00:08:39,018 that you had sex with in the past? 205 00:08:40,102 --> 00:08:41,145 Potentially. Yeah. 206 00:08:41,229 --> 00:08:42,980 -What? -Shireiny. 207 00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:45,441 -In the past. In the past. Yes. -Are you kidding me? 208 00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,693 You should not be dealing with no girl you slept with 209 00:08:47,777 --> 00:08:49,862 whether it's work or not. It does not matter. 210 00:08:49,946 --> 00:08:52,740 So if I was a doctor and she was dying, I can't... 211 00:08:52,823 --> 00:08:55,326 "Sorry, we had sex, I can't save your life. Gotta die." 212 00:08:55,409 --> 00:08:57,787 -No! Let the bitch die. -It doesn't work like that. 213 00:08:57,870 --> 00:09:00,581 -You let the bitch die. -[Tim] I do see William's point. 214 00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:01,832 I do see William's point. 215 00:09:01,916 --> 00:09:04,669 If you were massaging a woman's ass to life 216 00:09:04,752 --> 00:09:07,547 and being paid for it on OnlyFans, I understand. 217 00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:09,423 How many people in this audience think 218 00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:11,676 they should rise above this and just stay together? 219 00:09:11,759 --> 00:09:13,302 -Yeah! -[scattered applause] 220 00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:14,762 That's a fair amount. 221 00:09:14,845 --> 00:09:16,430 How many people in this audience 222 00:09:16,514 --> 00:09:20,142 think that Shireiny has the right to say "fuck you"? 223 00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:22,853 [loud cheering] 224 00:09:24,605 --> 00:09:28,276 William, there's one more thing that you have to do right now. 225 00:09:28,359 --> 00:09:31,612 One more thing you have to say before God, before this country, 226 00:09:31,696 --> 00:09:35,283 before your mother, before your beautiful girlfriend, 227 00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:38,119 and we're going to give you a chance to say it right now. 228 00:09:38,202 --> 00:09:40,830 {\an8}-Oh my God. I'm scared now. -[exhaling] Shit, bro. 229 00:09:40,913 --> 00:09:43,833 {\an8}-Let me get up. I gotta get up for this. -Where you going? 230 00:09:45,209 --> 00:09:46,043 [exhales] 231 00:09:46,127 --> 00:09:49,130 I will beat you up if you come over here and try to hug me, like... 232 00:09:49,213 --> 00:09:50,256 Look, look, look, look. 233 00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:53,801 [sighs] Look, babe, we done been through a lot, 234 00:09:54,468 --> 00:09:57,263 and you always been there for me at my lowest, you know? 235 00:09:57,346 --> 00:09:59,015 When I'm down there massaging women, 236 00:09:59,098 --> 00:10:02,768 my hands may be on their ass, but my eyes are always on you. 237 00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:04,228 -You're full of shit. -You know? 238 00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:05,313 -You know? -[applause] 239 00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:08,232 You're a fool. If you go for this, you're a fool. 240 00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:10,151 And you're about to cry, you're crazy. 241 00:10:10,234 --> 00:10:13,654 And I know, I know my dick is out there on the Internet. 242 00:10:13,738 --> 00:10:14,780 Little Willy. 243 00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:17,366 It's not Little Willy. 244 00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:18,534 But, look, babe. 245 00:10:19,785 --> 00:10:22,246 This might be the craziest thing I ever did, man. 246 00:10:22,830 --> 00:10:23,664 [exhales] 247 00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:25,708 -I want to be... -What? 248 00:10:26,208 --> 00:10:28,753 [crowd cheering] 249 00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:30,296 I want to be... 250 00:10:30,379 --> 00:10:32,465 -I want to be your porn star. -No. 251 00:10:32,548 --> 00:10:35,009 I want to be your porn star for the rest of my life. 252 00:10:35,092 --> 00:10:37,303 There's no way that she's gonna accept that. 253 00:10:37,386 --> 00:10:39,180 -Close that. No way. -Will you marry me? 254 00:10:39,263 --> 00:10:41,140 -You're crazy. -I wanna be your porn star. 255 00:10:41,223 --> 00:10:43,643 [screaming] Yeah! 256 00:10:44,226 --> 00:10:46,604 [Tim] Give it up for them. Give it up for them. 257 00:10:46,687 --> 00:10:49,482 -That is a happy couple. -[crowd applauding] 258 00:10:49,565 --> 00:10:51,525 [Tim] That is a beautiful... That is love. 259 00:10:51,609 --> 00:10:55,112 OnlyFans? How about OnlyFam? 260 00:10:55,196 --> 00:10:58,407 Come on! Come on, hug it out! 261 00:10:58,491 --> 00:10:59,533 Hug it out! 262 00:10:59,617 --> 00:11:03,079 Everybody get up. Come on, Mom, this is beautiful. 263 00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:05,748 You've got your son, your daughter-in-law. 264 00:11:06,457 --> 00:11:08,125 Thank you, guys, so much. 265 00:11:11,087 --> 00:11:13,339 Look at that. That's love. That's love. 266 00:11:13,422 --> 00:11:14,965 That's what love is about. 267 00:11:15,925 --> 00:11:18,386 Love is... There's a power in that. 268 00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:20,721 How you feel about that? What do you think? 269 00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:22,306 I thought it was gross. 270 00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:23,974 -'Cause they were Black? -[crowd laughs] 271 00:11:24,058 --> 00:11:25,476 No! No. 272 00:11:26,143 --> 00:11:31,899 Orange County is one of the most racist places in the entire world, 273 00:11:31,982 --> 00:11:33,776 and it's a little disgusting 274 00:11:34,443 --> 00:11:39,198 to have this white bitch judge these beautiful people. 275 00:11:39,281 --> 00:11:41,075 It's wrong. I don't like it. I... 276 00:11:41,992 --> 00:11:44,245 I wish you would have taken another thing. 277 00:11:45,329 --> 00:11:49,125 And now, he immigrated to this country 35 years ago, 278 00:11:49,208 --> 00:11:51,836 and now he wants to get the hell out of here 279 00:11:51,919 --> 00:11:55,131 unless his son can convince him to stay. 280 00:11:55,214 --> 00:11:58,926 Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to Sergio. 281 00:11:59,009 --> 00:12:01,512 -[upbeat synth music playing] -[crowd cheering] 282 00:12:09,437 --> 00:12:11,439 [Tim] There he is, Sergio. 283 00:12:12,106 --> 00:12:15,067 -Sergio, welcome to the show. -Thank you. 284 00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:19,739 Is there anything or anyone that could convince you to stay in this country? 285 00:12:20,656 --> 00:12:21,490 Nah. 286 00:12:22,992 --> 00:12:27,872 {\an8}I, uh, I have decided that America is not the American Dream for me no more. 287 00:12:27,955 --> 00:12:31,083 -And I'm ready to get out of here. -Yeah. Yeah. 288 00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:34,670 -I'm out of here, you know? -Okay, now, why... why do you say that? 289 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:36,589 Uh, to me, it's not the same country anymore. 290 00:12:36,672 --> 00:12:39,133 You have to have a high-speed Internet, 291 00:12:39,216 --> 00:12:42,678 you have to pay extra gigabytes on your phone if you go over. 292 00:12:43,262 --> 00:12:45,431 Yes. So you're going over on the phone. 293 00:12:45,514 --> 00:12:47,725 Even the American people have to pay extra. 294 00:12:47,808 --> 00:12:49,810 So your problem really is a data plan. 295 00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:51,270 [crowd laughing] 296 00:12:51,353 --> 00:12:54,064 So if we just bring you to Verizon, you might stay? 297 00:12:54,982 --> 00:12:57,359 But you sound like you want to self-deport. 298 00:12:57,443 --> 00:12:59,195 Uh... [laughs] 299 00:13:00,237 --> 00:13:02,323 -[Tim] Which is... -We might say that. 300 00:13:02,406 --> 00:13:06,076 I think what's holding me to stay here is my family. 301 00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:07,161 [Tim] That's right. 302 00:13:07,244 --> 00:13:09,121 -But, uh, you know, my sons. -Yes. 303 00:13:09,205 --> 00:13:11,582 I was not made in China, I was made in Mexico. 304 00:13:11,665 --> 00:13:12,958 They were born in USA. 305 00:13:13,042 --> 00:13:14,335 -[Tim] Oh, interesting. -[giggles] 306 00:13:14,418 --> 00:13:15,836 [chuckles] So you said... 307 00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:18,297 [all laughing] 308 00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:20,424 So you said you were not made in China, 309 00:13:20,508 --> 00:13:21,634 you were made in Mexico. 310 00:13:21,717 --> 00:13:24,845 -I was made in Mexico. -And those kids were born in the USA. 311 00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:27,139 What a fucked-up song that is, you know? 312 00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:28,474 [crowd laughing] 313 00:13:28,557 --> 00:13:31,977 If anybody can convince you to stay, 314 00:13:32,686 --> 00:13:36,232 it is your son, and he's going to tell you 315 00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:40,319 why he wants you to stay in America. 316 00:13:40,402 --> 00:13:42,738 Give it up for Luis, everybody. 317 00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:44,615 [crowd cheering] 318 00:13:44,698 --> 00:13:46,659 [Tim] Give it up for Luis. 319 00:13:46,742 --> 00:13:50,871 [crowd chanting] USA! USA! USA! USA! 320 00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:52,414 [continues chanting] 321 00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:53,958 -[Tim] That's right. -[chanting fades] 322 00:13:54,041 --> 00:13:56,502 Luis, what do you love about America? 323 00:13:56,585 --> 00:13:59,213 {\an8}I mean, we have football, all the American sports. 324 00:13:59,296 --> 00:14:00,965 {\an8}-Yeah, okay. -All the money you can make. 325 00:14:01,048 --> 00:14:01,882 {\an8}[Tim] That's right. 326 00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:04,343 {\an8}-Women. -That's right. Okay. 327 00:14:04,426 --> 00:14:06,971 -[man cheering] Yeah! -That's right. This guy. 328 00:14:07,054 --> 00:14:09,431 Stand up for a minute, because you agree with him. 329 00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:11,725 Will you stand up? Let's stand up for a minute. 330 00:14:12,476 --> 00:14:14,854 The Unabomber wants to say 331 00:14:15,771 --> 00:14:17,189 a few words here. 332 00:14:17,273 --> 00:14:19,316 Now, you agreed, when Luis was talking about 333 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,819 how much money you can make, and the women... 334 00:14:22,486 --> 00:14:23,904 What do you say to him? 335 00:14:23,988 --> 00:14:28,117 Well, honestly, I'm about women, but I'm not necessarily about America. 336 00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,160 And I mean, the ladies down South... 337 00:14:30,244 --> 00:14:31,328 [crowd booing] 338 00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:33,289 [man] I mean, I'm not anti-America. 339 00:14:33,372 --> 00:14:35,958 -I'm, like, I'm neutral. -Come on. Come on, let him... 340 00:14:36,417 --> 00:14:38,335 Hold on, let him... let him finish. 341 00:14:38,419 --> 00:14:41,755 Now, the ladies... What do you mean, "The ladies down South"? 342 00:14:42,256 --> 00:14:43,674 Muy caliente. 343 00:14:43,757 --> 00:14:45,801 I got you. All right. 344 00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:49,638 -Now, you are with this lovely man. -Yes, this is my boyfriend. 345 00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:51,056 -That's your boyfriend. -Yeah. 346 00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:53,434 When... Stand up for a minute. When... 347 00:14:53,517 --> 00:14:58,731 When he says he likes these muy caliente ladies 348 00:14:58,814 --> 00:15:01,025 from down South, how does that make you feel? 349 00:15:01,108 --> 00:15:04,486 I mean, like, power to him, he's with me right now, you know. 350 00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:06,906 I enjoy him and everything, but, you know, 351 00:15:06,989 --> 00:15:09,742 if he was ever to meet one of these ladies 352 00:15:09,825 --> 00:15:11,994 and he wanted to do that, I'd be, you know... 353 00:15:12,077 --> 00:15:14,079 -More power to him. -[scattered cheers] 354 00:15:14,163 --> 00:15:15,956 Look what a great country this is. 355 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:19,335 Look how understanding these two homeless people are 356 00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:23,631 about each other's sexual proclivities. 357 00:15:24,798 --> 00:15:25,633 There's... 358 00:15:26,133 --> 00:15:27,009 [chuckling] 359 00:15:27,092 --> 00:15:28,969 There's no other country in the world 360 00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:31,680 where you'll have an unhoused couple like this 361 00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:34,642 crawl out of their tent, go to a Tim Dillon taping 362 00:15:34,725 --> 00:15:38,312 and say, "Honey, you can fuck whoever you want 363 00:15:38,395 --> 00:15:43,067 as long as you steal some canned food and bring it back to this tent at night." 364 00:15:44,151 --> 00:15:47,696 I mean, look at these two. This is what America is about. 365 00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:51,575 [crowd chanting] USA! USA! USA! 366 00:15:52,451 --> 00:15:54,453 This is what America is about. 367 00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:58,374 This Orange County couple is so fucking scared right now. 368 00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:02,586 Knife them after the show. Run up on them and knife 'em. 369 00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:07,341 Take their fucking BMW and their fucking sailboat or whatever. 370 00:16:07,424 --> 00:16:10,552 Well, is anyone an immigrant in this audience? 371 00:16:11,553 --> 00:16:13,555 Okay, we want to hear from immigrants, 372 00:16:13,639 --> 00:16:15,891 especially this white woman who's lying about it. 373 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:17,351 [crowd laughing] 374 00:16:17,851 --> 00:16:20,312 She better have a real fucking Ukrainian accent 375 00:16:20,396 --> 00:16:22,523 when I get up to this fucking woman. 376 00:16:22,606 --> 00:16:24,775 Hold on, where did you come from? 377 00:16:24,858 --> 00:16:25,943 Canada. 378 00:16:26,026 --> 00:16:28,028 [crowd jeering] 379 00:16:32,032 --> 00:16:37,830 [chanting] USA! USA! USA! 380 00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:39,498 [chanting fades] 381 00:16:39,581 --> 00:16:43,252 Kill that Canadian bitch after the fucking show, okay? 382 00:16:43,335 --> 00:16:46,672 You fucking... These tweakers are going to light you on fire 383 00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:48,966 after this fucking show. 384 00:16:49,466 --> 00:16:53,137 These extras from Breaking Bad, these monsters. 385 00:16:53,220 --> 00:16:56,557 We paid for their STD check before they came here. 386 00:16:57,266 --> 00:16:59,727 This free clinic where we got these people. 387 00:17:00,394 --> 00:17:01,937 Sir, you're a different color. 388 00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:04,023 [crowd laughing] 389 00:17:05,941 --> 00:17:07,609 Where... Yeah, stand up. Stand up. 390 00:17:07,693 --> 00:17:09,361 Where do you come from? 391 00:17:09,445 --> 00:17:10,696 Uh, I was born here. 392 00:17:10,779 --> 00:17:12,573 Enough with this! 393 00:17:12,656 --> 00:17:15,367 That's not what I mean. I mean in the racist way. 394 00:17:15,451 --> 00:17:17,828 -Like the Orange County people would say. -Oh. 395 00:17:17,911 --> 00:17:19,997 Where does your family come from? 396 00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:21,457 Mexico. Both from Mexico. 397 00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:23,751 And look how... And you are thriving here. 398 00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:25,377 I actually love it here, yeah. 399 00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:28,714 -What do you do for a living? -Customer support for education tech. 400 00:17:29,214 --> 00:17:30,758 Kill yourself. Here's the thing... 401 00:17:32,092 --> 00:17:36,722 I cannot find one reason to keep this man in this shithole of a country. 402 00:17:36,805 --> 00:17:37,806 I cannot. 403 00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:42,186 I believe we have a patriot 404 00:17:42,269 --> 00:17:47,357 who will come out here and convince Sergio once and for all 405 00:17:47,441 --> 00:17:50,194 that this is the greatest country in the world. 406 00:17:50,277 --> 00:17:53,947 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Bandit to the show. 407 00:17:54,031 --> 00:17:56,283 {\an8}[applause, cheering] 408 00:17:57,785 --> 00:17:59,286 {\an8}[Tim] Give it up for Bandit! 409 00:17:59,369 --> 00:18:01,121 Give it up for Bandit! 410 00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:03,332 Take a seat. 411 00:18:03,957 --> 00:18:05,375 USA! 412 00:18:05,459 --> 00:18:10,380 [crowd chanting] USA! USA! USA! 413 00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:13,926 What you two should do, I'm not kidding, 414 00:18:14,009 --> 00:18:16,512 is get with him later and do some fun home invasions. 415 00:18:16,595 --> 00:18:17,846 You know what I mean? 416 00:18:18,597 --> 00:18:19,848 Bandit, 417 00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:23,185 do you feel freer in America than you would be other places? 418 00:18:23,268 --> 00:18:26,438 {\an8}[Bandit] Of course, Tim. Of course I do. I mean, there's... sure... 419 00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:28,607 {\an8}Okay, you have a few options, right? 420 00:18:28,690 --> 00:18:30,651 {\an8}Mainly, at least for me, Britain and Canada. 421 00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:33,362 I don't wanna go to Canada because they're not real. 422 00:18:33,445 --> 00:18:35,197 That's mooses pretending to be people. 423 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,866 Well, you're a person pretending to be a dog. 424 00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:40,661 This is true. I would get along great with them. 425 00:18:40,744 --> 00:18:42,579 Now, Sergio, just look at Bandit 426 00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:45,249 and tell him what could be possibly wrong with this country? 427 00:18:45,332 --> 00:18:46,708 [Bandit] What's wrong with America? 428 00:18:46,792 --> 00:18:50,838 Look at this person, who I will not gender. 429 00:18:50,921 --> 00:18:53,298 Look at this person, Sergio. 430 00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:55,968 What could possibly be wrong 431 00:18:56,051 --> 00:18:57,928 with this country? 432 00:19:00,013 --> 00:19:02,391 Look, if you want to look for an apartment, 433 00:19:02,474 --> 00:19:04,852 you have to pay the first, the last, 434 00:19:06,395 --> 00:19:07,604 plus deposit. 435 00:19:07,688 --> 00:19:11,358 Six hundred eighty score to get the apartment. 436 00:19:11,441 --> 00:19:12,776 -You have that? -That is true. 437 00:19:12,860 --> 00:19:17,406 He's bringing up a good point about the apartment rental process, Bandit. 438 00:19:17,489 --> 00:19:19,491 Which I don't think you have been in. 439 00:19:20,450 --> 00:19:22,035 Uh, just a hunch. 440 00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:25,038 [Bandit] That's America, baby. Money flows, dude. 441 00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:27,291 If you ain't ready to pay to have an apartment, why... 442 00:19:27,374 --> 00:19:28,333 Don't go to one! 443 00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:30,836 Luis, you seem very uncomfortable. 444 00:19:30,919 --> 00:19:31,920 [crowd laughing] 445 00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:34,631 [Tim] You seem incredibly uncomfortable right now. 446 00:19:34,715 --> 00:19:37,467 Take a look at this. This is... There it is. 447 00:19:38,802 --> 00:19:39,845 Sergio, yes. 448 00:19:39,928 --> 00:19:42,806 I think he makes more money standing at a corner with a sign. 449 00:19:42,890 --> 00:19:43,765 Moving it. 450 00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:44,725 [laughing] 451 00:19:44,808 --> 00:19:46,435 That's not a bad point. 452 00:19:46,518 --> 00:19:49,605 Bandit, make your last plea to Sergio. 453 00:19:49,688 --> 00:19:51,690 You're the one we brought on this stage 454 00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:54,651 because you exemplify what America is in its current moment. 455 00:19:57,070 --> 00:19:57,905 {\an8}[Bandit] Sergio, 456 00:19:58,614 --> 00:19:59,448 {\an8}I beg you. 457 00:20:00,407 --> 00:20:02,826 {\an8}Stay here. We can go to Target together. 458 00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:06,330 We can go get a Java Chip Frappé, we can walk through the park, 459 00:20:06,413 --> 00:20:07,998 have a wonderful time. 460 00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:09,917 Maybe fall in love. 461 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:10,918 I don't know. 462 00:20:11,001 --> 00:20:12,878 It's the land of opportunity. 463 00:20:12,961 --> 00:20:15,005 I would love for you to stay here with us 464 00:20:15,088 --> 00:20:18,342 and be a part of this great, beautiful nation. 465 00:20:18,425 --> 00:20:20,761 Give it up for Bandit, everyone, that's a great... 466 00:20:20,844 --> 00:20:22,846 [crowd applauding] 467 00:20:25,849 --> 00:20:27,809 Sergio, are you gonna stay, 468 00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:30,145 or are you gonna go? What is it? 469 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:32,356 Uh... 470 00:20:32,439 --> 00:20:35,108 There is, uh, nothing that make me stay. 471 00:20:35,192 --> 00:20:36,026 I'm leaving. 472 00:20:36,735 --> 00:20:38,195 And I'm leaving America. 473 00:20:38,779 --> 00:20:40,322 The American Dream, it's over. 474 00:20:40,405 --> 00:20:41,240 [crowd booing] 475 00:20:41,323 --> 00:20:43,784 I'm telling you, I'm out of here. I'm out of here, you know? 476 00:20:43,867 --> 00:20:45,535 -[crowd chanting] Adios! Adios! -That's... 477 00:20:45,619 --> 00:20:47,955 That's the way he feels. Give it up for Sergio, 478 00:20:48,038 --> 00:20:48,872 [crowd cheering] 479 00:20:48,956 --> 00:20:52,251 [Tim] Luis, Bandit, everybody. Thank them so much. 480 00:20:52,751 --> 00:20:54,461 Give it up for them. 481 00:20:55,629 --> 00:20:57,547 Give it up. Thank you, guys. 482 00:21:00,384 --> 00:21:03,512 It'd be hilarious if you remove the dog head and it was RFK. 483 00:21:04,388 --> 00:21:07,891 [imitating Kennedy] "I'm going to dress up like a dog on Netflix 484 00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:11,478 because I want to be the President of the United States." 485 00:21:11,561 --> 00:21:12,938 [crowd laughing] 486 00:21:13,855 --> 00:21:17,401 Up now, she's a body-positive feel-good fun type. 487 00:21:17,484 --> 00:21:19,987 Her mom is an overbearing almond witch 488 00:21:20,070 --> 00:21:22,864 that wants to control what goes in her body. 489 00:21:22,948 --> 00:21:25,409 Ladies and gentlemen, let's meet Livi. 490 00:21:25,492 --> 00:21:28,287 -[crowd cheering] -[funky synth music playing] 491 00:21:36,712 --> 00:21:38,130 Livi, baby. 492 00:21:38,714 --> 00:21:41,925 How are you? Thank you for coming, Livi. How are you? 493 00:21:42,009 --> 00:21:44,052 -I'm good. How are you? -I'm doing good. 494 00:21:44,136 --> 00:21:47,097 -So your mom gets on your nerves. -Yes. 495 00:21:47,180 --> 00:21:48,348 What is the problem? 496 00:21:48,432 --> 00:21:50,934 {\an8}She comments on every single thing I eat, 497 00:21:51,018 --> 00:21:54,730 {\an8}she comments on me working out, anything I put into my body, my coffee. 498 00:21:54,813 --> 00:21:56,440 What do you do to your coffee? 499 00:21:56,523 --> 00:21:59,693 Okay, I put syrups in my coff... I do an iced vanilla latte. 500 00:21:59,776 --> 00:22:00,944 There's nothing wrong... 501 00:22:01,028 --> 00:22:03,071 What kind of syrups do you put in your coffee? 502 00:22:03,155 --> 00:22:04,281 Like, just vanilla. 503 00:22:04,364 --> 00:22:06,408 Just vanilla? How much? How many pumps? 504 00:22:06,491 --> 00:22:08,285 -Like, four pumps. -[Tim] We pump it up? 505 00:22:08,368 --> 00:22:10,620 -[Livi] We pump it up! Yes! -Do we pump it up? 506 00:22:10,704 --> 00:22:12,039 -She pumps it up. -Yes! 507 00:22:12,122 --> 00:22:14,249 Four pumps. Pump it up. 508 00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:17,502 And not half pumps. You make them at Starbucks, slam on that bitch. 509 00:22:17,586 --> 00:22:20,088 {\an8}-Full pumps. Yes. Fuck yeah. -Slam it. Full pumps. Okay. 510 00:22:20,172 --> 00:22:22,632 {\an8}So now, your mother, what does she do for a living? 511 00:22:22,716 --> 00:22:25,260 -She's a Pilates instructor. -She's a Pilates instructor. 512 00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:27,012 -[Livi] Yes. Yes, she is. -[crowd] Ooh. 513 00:22:27,095 --> 00:22:28,347 -[Livi] Yes. -[Tim] And she... 514 00:22:28,889 --> 00:22:31,224 -[Livi] Yeah. -And she is on your case. 515 00:22:31,308 --> 00:22:34,186 And do you stand up for yourself and your rights as an American? 516 00:22:34,269 --> 00:22:35,687 You know what? I try my best. 517 00:22:35,771 --> 00:22:37,856 I do tell her to, like, fuck off. "Mom, fuck off." 518 00:22:37,939 --> 00:22:40,525 "I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm an adult." 519 00:22:40,609 --> 00:22:43,028 Can she hear you over the drive-thru speaker? 520 00:22:43,111 --> 00:22:45,989 -No, no... No. She can't. -[Tim] That's the problem. 521 00:22:46,073 --> 00:22:49,159 I have OCD, I have anxie... I'm a normal girl, I have anxiety. 522 00:22:49,242 --> 00:22:51,578 And she's like, "It's all the fucking Starbucks you drink." 523 00:22:51,661 --> 00:22:54,122 "That's what's giving you anxiety. The vanilla syrup." 524 00:22:54,206 --> 00:22:56,917 Now, what does... how does OCD manifest in your life? 525 00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:59,127 -Um, I like to touch things. -Okay. 526 00:22:59,211 --> 00:23:00,295 And, like, three times. 527 00:23:00,379 --> 00:23:02,172 -You touch something three times? -Yeah. 528 00:23:02,255 --> 00:23:03,215 And then eat it? 529 00:23:03,298 --> 00:23:05,634 -No, I don't eat it. No! -[crowd laughing] 530 00:23:05,717 --> 00:23:08,720 My mom told you to say that. My mom told you to say that. 531 00:23:08,804 --> 00:23:11,098 You love your mother, but you want her to butt out. 532 00:23:11,181 --> 00:23:13,475 I want her to butt out. Get the fuck out of my fridge. 533 00:23:13,558 --> 00:23:15,227 Get the fuck out of your fridge. 534 00:23:15,310 --> 00:23:17,521 Because... Because there's no room. 535 00:23:17,604 --> 00:23:18,563 -Now... -[Livi] No. 536 00:23:18,647 --> 00:23:19,481 [crowd laughing] 537 00:23:19,564 --> 00:23:23,318 Let's... Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready to meet Livi's mom, everybody? 538 00:23:23,402 --> 00:23:24,277 [cheering] 539 00:23:24,361 --> 00:23:25,487 [chanting] Bring her out! 540 00:23:25,570 --> 00:23:26,863 [Tim] Ladies and gentlemen, 541 00:23:26,947 --> 00:23:31,034 please welcome Dena! 542 00:23:31,118 --> 00:23:32,160 [cheering] 543 00:23:32,244 --> 00:23:33,578 There she is. 544 00:23:34,121 --> 00:23:36,248 -They love you. They love you. -[Tim] Dena! 545 00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:39,126 Dena, Dena, Dena, how are you? 546 00:23:39,209 --> 00:23:41,128 -I'm good. -[Tim] Welcome to the show. 547 00:23:41,211 --> 00:23:44,214 So you're... Basically, you're asking your daughter, 548 00:23:44,297 --> 00:23:46,466 "I just want you to make healthier decisions." 549 00:23:46,550 --> 00:23:48,969 -Absolutely. -What the fuck is wrong with you? 550 00:23:49,052 --> 00:23:49,928 [crowd laughing] 551 00:23:50,011 --> 00:23:52,222 {\an8}I don't think she's old enough to make decisions. 552 00:23:52,305 --> 00:23:53,515 {\an8}-Okay, what? -Okay. 553 00:23:53,598 --> 00:23:55,058 {\an8}-[crowd booing] -Wait, wait, wait. 554 00:23:55,142 --> 00:23:57,727 -Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. -[Dena] Wait. 555 00:23:57,811 --> 00:24:00,313 If I wanna eat a fucking donut, I wanna eat a fucking donut, 556 00:24:00,397 --> 00:24:01,857 you don't need to tell me what to do. 557 00:24:01,940 --> 00:24:03,275 I'm 25. 558 00:24:03,358 --> 00:24:06,236 Since I was a child, I don't know any life that's not like this. 559 00:24:06,319 --> 00:24:08,905 -Oh, that's... -Oh, shut the fuck up. You know. Yeah. 560 00:24:08,989 --> 00:24:10,031 [crowd] Oh! 561 00:24:10,115 --> 00:24:11,241 [jeering] 562 00:24:11,908 --> 00:24:14,077 -No, it's so true. -[Tim] Ladies. 563 00:24:14,661 --> 00:24:17,747 No, imagine being five and she's yelling at you about Oreos. 564 00:24:17,831 --> 00:24:20,542 -Imagine being five and that happened. -We didn't have them. 565 00:24:20,625 --> 00:24:22,878 Well, you didn't... You... You... You didn't have Oreos? 566 00:24:22,961 --> 00:24:24,546 -No. -Well, she found them. 567 00:24:24,629 --> 00:24:26,298 -[Livi] No, I did. -[crowd laughing] 568 00:24:26,381 --> 00:24:28,049 -[Tim] She found them. -Yeah. 569 00:24:28,133 --> 00:24:30,427 You have a list of foods you don't want her to eat? 570 00:24:30,510 --> 00:24:33,263 -[Dena] I do. -Take it out. Take the list out, Dena. 571 00:24:33,346 --> 00:24:36,933 Take the list out. Take the list out right now. 572 00:24:37,017 --> 00:24:38,435 [laughing] No. 573 00:24:38,518 --> 00:24:42,481 First one, coffee with syrups is horrible for your body. 574 00:24:42,564 --> 00:24:44,566 Only... Only... 575 00:24:44,649 --> 00:24:46,860 -No, there is no way. No way. -There we go. 576 00:24:46,943 --> 00:24:49,279 Only according to doctors. 577 00:24:49,362 --> 00:24:50,322 [laughing] 578 00:24:50,405 --> 00:24:53,992 But here's Livi's point, "Life's short, pump it up." 579 00:24:54,075 --> 00:24:55,911 -Exactly. That's what I said. -[Tim] Oh! 580 00:24:55,994 --> 00:24:57,412 -[crowd cheering] -No. 581 00:24:57,496 --> 00:25:01,082 Life's short and with those pumps, even shorter, but here's the point... 582 00:25:01,791 --> 00:25:04,419 You can have one coffee a day, not two or three. 583 00:25:04,503 --> 00:25:06,588 -No syrups. -One coffee a day with no syrup. 584 00:25:07,088 --> 00:25:08,632 Okay, Hitler. 585 00:25:08,715 --> 00:25:10,258 -Go on. -Literally. 586 00:25:10,342 --> 00:25:11,593 -[laughing] -[Tim] Go on. 587 00:25:12,302 --> 00:25:15,138 I would like her to give up everything white. 588 00:25:15,222 --> 00:25:17,849 -[crowd booing] -[Tim] Wait a minute, hold on. 589 00:25:17,933 --> 00:25:21,895 {\an8}Sugar, flour, pasta, bread, rice, cheese. 590 00:25:21,978 --> 00:25:23,313 {\an8}-[Tim] Okay. -[Dena] Dairy. 591 00:25:23,396 --> 00:25:25,398 [booing continues] 592 00:25:25,482 --> 00:25:28,944 [Tim] What would be a happy medium? She's not gonna give up everything white. 593 00:25:29,027 --> 00:25:31,947 Can you propose something slightly realistic here? 594 00:25:32,030 --> 00:25:34,199 She should be able to give up white for two weeks. 595 00:25:34,282 --> 00:25:36,117 -White for two weeks. -[Dena] Yeah. 596 00:25:36,201 --> 00:25:38,203 You know what's gonna happen after two weeks? 597 00:25:38,286 --> 00:25:39,871 She's gonna have a white party. 598 00:25:41,831 --> 00:25:43,166 She's gonna go crazy. 599 00:25:43,250 --> 00:25:44,543 Do you think 600 00:25:45,210 --> 00:25:50,215 it's wrong to try to micromanage your adult daughter's diet? 601 00:25:51,258 --> 00:25:52,175 [crowd] Yes! 602 00:25:52,259 --> 00:25:55,887 No. No. Not if I'm worried about her well-being. 603 00:25:55,971 --> 00:25:59,182 But are you worried about her well-being or your well-being? 604 00:25:59,266 --> 00:26:00,308 [crowd applauding] 605 00:26:00,392 --> 00:26:02,602 -Exactly. -[Tim] Oh, Dena! 606 00:26:02,686 --> 00:26:04,229 [Livi] 'Cause she's projecting. 607 00:26:04,312 --> 00:26:06,273 It's not like she is going to your house 608 00:26:06,356 --> 00:26:09,025 and forcing you to put vanilla in your coffee. 609 00:26:09,109 --> 00:26:11,319 -I've never done it. Never done that. -[Tim] Right? 610 00:26:11,403 --> 00:26:12,862 Does she show up and try to 611 00:26:13,488 --> 00:26:15,323 face-fuck you with sourdough bread? 612 00:26:15,407 --> 00:26:16,491 [laughing] 613 00:26:16,575 --> 00:26:18,451 -[Tim] No. -Never done that. 614 00:26:18,535 --> 00:26:22,038 She's not doing that 'cause she's not sharing her food. Now listen to me... 615 00:26:22,831 --> 00:26:25,417 There's nothing... Dena, let's trim the fat. 616 00:26:25,500 --> 00:26:28,753 What do you really want your daughter to... 617 00:26:28,837 --> 00:26:29,879 [laughing] 618 00:26:29,963 --> 00:26:32,674 -It's not that funny. It's not that funny. -[Tim] Stand up here. 619 00:26:33,300 --> 00:26:34,759 -Stand up. -All right. 620 00:26:35,427 --> 00:26:36,720 You need an almond mom. 621 00:26:37,470 --> 00:26:39,180 -I do. -Me and you... Let's be honest. 622 00:26:39,264 --> 00:26:42,350 Me and you need Dena, we need Dena to follow us around. 623 00:26:42,434 --> 00:26:44,269 -Do you have a mother? -I do. 624 00:26:44,352 --> 00:26:47,105 -Does she butt into your life? -She does. 625 00:26:47,188 --> 00:26:48,857 I wish she'd fuck off. Yeah. 626 00:26:48,940 --> 00:26:50,275 [crowd laughing] 627 00:26:50,984 --> 00:26:52,611 [crowd applauding] 628 00:26:52,694 --> 00:26:53,862 Dena, let's be honest. 629 00:26:53,945 --> 00:26:55,488 You heard it there, 630 00:26:55,572 --> 00:26:57,240 he wants you to fuck off. 631 00:26:57,324 --> 00:27:00,327 Sir, now, what do you think about this? Do you have children? 632 00:27:00,410 --> 00:27:01,661 Uh, not yet. 633 00:27:01,745 --> 00:27:03,413 All right, sit down. You know, I, uh... 634 00:27:03,496 --> 00:27:04,414 [laughing] 635 00:27:04,497 --> 00:27:05,999 [Tim] Nobody gives a shit. 636 00:27:06,082 --> 00:27:07,876 Can you stand up? Stand up. 637 00:27:07,959 --> 00:27:10,295 Now, this man shot President Trump. 638 00:27:11,838 --> 00:27:15,884 So I want to ask you, what do you think about these people? 639 00:27:17,260 --> 00:27:19,262 -I did not shoot Trump. -Okay. 640 00:27:19,346 --> 00:27:21,139 -[laughing] -[man 2] What do I think about 'em? 641 00:27:21,222 --> 00:27:23,350 Do you have any opinion? You're a young man, white, 642 00:27:23,433 --> 00:27:24,351 what do you think? 643 00:27:24,434 --> 00:27:27,312 Uh, I don't know, I think talking shit about your mom is crazy. 644 00:27:27,395 --> 00:27:29,105 -[crowd agreeing] -I... 645 00:27:29,189 --> 00:27:30,106 [man in crowd] Yeah! 646 00:27:31,024 --> 00:27:32,067 Dena. 647 00:27:32,817 --> 00:27:34,361 Do you think it's possible 648 00:27:35,153 --> 00:27:37,530 that for the sake of your daughter's health, 649 00:27:38,239 --> 00:27:40,617 that you could ease up a little bit? 650 00:27:40,700 --> 00:27:42,243 -I will try. -[Tim] "I will try." 651 00:27:42,327 --> 00:27:45,038 Well, we have some good news, Dena. 652 00:27:45,121 --> 00:27:46,831 You're about to have your first test. 653 00:27:47,415 --> 00:27:50,794 Me and your daughter are feeling slightly frisky. 654 00:27:50,877 --> 00:27:53,880 And we would like to have a little snack. 655 00:27:53,963 --> 00:27:56,049 -It's a healthy snack. -Okay. 656 00:27:56,132 --> 00:27:58,301 It's from an organic, healthy... 657 00:27:59,344 --> 00:28:00,720 place. Okay? 658 00:28:00,804 --> 00:28:02,514 -Let's see if you can do it. -Okay. 659 00:28:03,181 --> 00:28:04,599 Please bring out the healthy snack. 660 00:28:04,683 --> 00:28:06,685 [crowd cheering] 661 00:28:11,231 --> 00:28:13,983 -[Dena] Just not the cherries. -[Livi] No, you gotta eat the cherries. 662 00:28:14,067 --> 00:28:16,736 -The cherries are bad for you. -Now, listen... Listen to me. 663 00:28:17,570 --> 00:28:20,365 -She's pissed. -Do you feel triggered right now? 664 00:28:20,448 --> 00:28:22,158 [laughing] 665 00:28:22,242 --> 00:28:23,159 [Tim] Now... 666 00:28:25,662 --> 00:28:28,331 -I want you to try. Dena, get in here. -Okay. 667 00:28:28,415 --> 00:28:30,583 [Tim] Get in here a little bit. Give it a shot. 668 00:28:30,667 --> 00:28:32,669 -Give it a shot, Dena. -Don't want the strawberry. 669 00:28:32,752 --> 00:28:34,295 Is this mint or pistachio? 670 00:28:34,379 --> 00:28:35,422 Who the fuck knows? 671 00:28:35,505 --> 00:28:37,507 [crowd laughing] 672 00:28:38,591 --> 00:28:40,719 -Mmm. -This is mint. This is mint. 673 00:28:40,802 --> 00:28:42,846 -Give it up. Have a little bit! -This is mint. 674 00:28:42,929 --> 00:28:45,807 -Come on, Mom! Get in there! -Come on! It's good. 675 00:28:45,890 --> 00:28:47,767 -Go, Mom. -[Tim yelling] Come on! 676 00:28:47,851 --> 00:28:49,227 [crowd cheering] 677 00:28:49,310 --> 00:28:52,230 -Eat the cherry! Get it. Eat the cherry! -Dena! Dena! Dena! 678 00:28:52,313 --> 00:28:53,982 [chanting] Dena! Dena! 679 00:28:54,065 --> 00:28:56,651 -[Livi] Eat the cherry! -Guys, give it up for Livi and Dena! 680 00:28:56,735 --> 00:28:58,570 Give it up for them, everybody! 681 00:28:58,653 --> 00:28:59,654 [crowd cheering] 682 00:28:59,738 --> 00:29:03,950 Thank you so much. That's $10,000 of Netflix's money. That's... 683 00:29:04,451 --> 00:29:07,036 This was the last season of House of Cards they didn't make. 684 00:29:07,120 --> 00:29:07,996 [laughing] 685 00:29:08,079 --> 00:29:09,164 I appreciate that. 686 00:29:09,247 --> 00:29:11,916 A round of applause again for Dena and Livi, everybody. 687 00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:13,710 [crowd cheering] 688 00:29:13,793 --> 00:29:15,253 That goes right to the homeless. 689 00:29:15,336 --> 00:29:18,214 Take that outside to the homeless encampment right now. 690 00:29:19,799 --> 00:29:21,634 I'm still trying to process this row. 691 00:29:21,718 --> 00:29:25,013 This row is a wild row, I like this row. 692 00:29:25,096 --> 00:29:26,639 This is a wild row. 693 00:29:26,723 --> 00:29:29,976 This white guy is so scared in the middle of this row right now, 694 00:29:30,059 --> 00:29:32,187 he has no idea what happened. 695 00:29:32,270 --> 00:29:34,731 You just landed in the middle of a Kamala Harris rally. 696 00:29:34,814 --> 00:29:36,983 You have no idea what's going on. 697 00:29:37,066 --> 00:29:39,819 This white guy is terrified, 698 00:29:39,903 --> 00:29:42,739 but he's also aroused, and that's what it's about. 699 00:29:42,822 --> 00:29:44,491 That's America right now. 700 00:29:45,074 --> 00:29:48,244 Are we ready to meet some new, fun people? 701 00:29:48,328 --> 00:29:50,830 [crowd whooping, cheering] 702 00:29:51,623 --> 00:29:55,752 He said she's turned her back on God and sold her soul to OnlyFans. 703 00:29:55,835 --> 00:29:57,212 But what he really wants 704 00:29:57,295 --> 00:30:00,173 is her to collaborate on YouTube with him again. 705 00:30:00,256 --> 00:30:03,218 Welcome to Gen Z hell. Everybody, welcome Christian. 706 00:30:03,301 --> 00:30:05,720 -[upbeat synth music playing] -[crowd cheering] 707 00:30:06,221 --> 00:30:09,098 [Tim] Christian, come out. Thank you. Sit down. 708 00:30:09,808 --> 00:30:11,810 -Christian, take a seat. -Thank you. 709 00:30:11,893 --> 00:30:14,229 -Thank you. Hello. -Take a seat, Christian. 710 00:30:14,312 --> 00:30:18,942 Now, you used to collaborate a lot with your cousin Bela. 711 00:30:19,025 --> 00:30:20,401 {\an8}-Yes, I did. -On YouTube. 712 00:30:20,485 --> 00:30:22,695 {\an8}Yes. She was like my best friend, we grew up together. 713 00:30:22,779 --> 00:30:24,948 {\an8}I've known her since, you know, I was a baby. 714 00:30:25,031 --> 00:30:26,991 [Tim] You've known her since you were a baby? 715 00:30:27,075 --> 00:30:29,577 -She's on YouTube. -Yes. 716 00:30:29,661 --> 00:30:32,038 Disrespecting men. What is that? Can you define that? 717 00:30:32,121 --> 00:30:36,251 So, she'll post a video and be like, you know, "Hey," you know, "cuss word," 718 00:30:36,334 --> 00:30:38,670 um, "give me some money," you know. 719 00:30:39,170 --> 00:30:41,297 Like, disrespects them and asks for money, 720 00:30:41,381 --> 00:30:43,007 and then they'll actually send it, 721 00:30:43,091 --> 00:30:45,802 kind of like a gold digger, but, you know, online. 722 00:30:46,344 --> 00:30:49,389 So you don't think that's a good use of her time? 723 00:30:49,472 --> 00:30:50,932 Um... [sighs] 724 00:30:51,015 --> 00:30:53,268 Honestly, I think she should do what we used to do. 725 00:30:53,351 --> 00:30:55,895 -Like, different types of content. -What did you used to do? 726 00:30:55,979 --> 00:30:59,732 We used to do just normal challenge videos, you know, a basic... 727 00:30:59,816 --> 00:31:01,985 [crowd booing] 728 00:31:02,068 --> 00:31:03,194 [Tim] Christian. 729 00:31:03,945 --> 00:31:08,157 Nobody wants you and your cousin doing fucking challenge videos. 730 00:31:08,241 --> 00:31:09,450 Okay, my bad, my bad. 731 00:31:09,534 --> 00:31:12,996 They would rather her doing findom or whatever she's doing on YouTube. 732 00:31:13,079 --> 00:31:14,455 -That's right. -[Christian] My bad. 733 00:31:14,539 --> 00:31:15,665 -My bad. -[crowd cheering] 734 00:31:15,748 --> 00:31:17,959 Should we bring her out? Should we meet her, everybody? 735 00:31:18,042 --> 00:31:19,252 [cheering loudly] 736 00:31:19,335 --> 00:31:20,378 [Tim] Should we meet her? 737 00:31:20,461 --> 00:31:25,675 [crowd chanting] Bring her out! Bring her out! Bring her out! 738 00:31:25,758 --> 00:31:29,470 Let's bring out Bela, everybody. 739 00:31:29,554 --> 00:31:32,390 [crowd cheering, whooping] 740 00:31:35,643 --> 00:31:36,644 Hi. 741 00:31:36,728 --> 00:31:40,023 He says only God, she says OnlyFans. 742 00:31:40,106 --> 00:31:43,610 Now, Bela, what is the beef? 743 00:31:43,693 --> 00:31:45,320 What is his problem? 744 00:31:46,237 --> 00:31:49,282 {\an8}He has a different perspective on how I make my money because, you know, 745 00:31:49,365 --> 00:31:51,159 {\an8}his parents still pay his bills. 746 00:31:51,242 --> 00:31:52,243 [Tim] Whoa! 747 00:31:52,327 --> 00:31:53,828 {\an8}-What? Wait. -[crowd jeering] 748 00:31:53,912 --> 00:31:56,205 -Whoa, Christian. -[Christian] Wait. 749 00:31:56,289 --> 00:31:57,415 [chuckles] 750 00:31:57,498 --> 00:31:59,500 Mommy and Daddy don't pay my bills, so... 751 00:31:59,584 --> 00:32:01,878 That's right. Men on the Internet do. 752 00:32:01,961 --> 00:32:02,795 Now... 753 00:32:02,879 --> 00:32:04,255 [scattered laughter] 754 00:32:04,339 --> 00:32:07,967 What do you do to, uh, get these men to pay? 755 00:32:08,051 --> 00:32:09,093 Bully them. 756 00:32:09,177 --> 00:32:11,763 My mom's literally subscribed to my OnlyFans to keep me accountable. 757 00:32:11,846 --> 00:32:13,139 I don't post anything inappropriate. 758 00:32:13,222 --> 00:32:16,976 Your mom is subscribed to your OnlyFans to keep you accountable? 759 00:32:17,060 --> 00:32:17,894 [Bela] Yeah. 760 00:32:17,977 --> 00:32:20,480 {\an8}That should have been the title of the segment. Now... 761 00:32:21,522 --> 00:32:22,941 {\an8}[laughing] 762 00:32:23,024 --> 00:32:23,900 {\an8}Now, Christian, 763 00:32:23,983 --> 00:32:27,862 why is it your business if your cousin wants to pop her P for cash? 764 00:32:28,488 --> 00:32:29,530 {\an8}Um... 765 00:32:30,531 --> 00:32:33,117 {\an8}Uh, you know, I care about her and I look out for her, 766 00:32:33,201 --> 00:32:36,329 {\an8}I love her, she's, like, my best friend, like, I want to be involved. 767 00:32:36,412 --> 00:32:39,165 {\an8}-I want the best for her. -If you love her, pay her. 768 00:32:39,248 --> 00:32:40,124 {\an8}[crowd cheering] 769 00:32:40,208 --> 00:32:42,043 {\an8}-Thank you. -All right, fine. Fine! 770 00:32:42,126 --> 00:32:45,546 I don't do anything inappropriate, I don't talk dirty, I don't sell my body. 771 00:32:45,630 --> 00:32:46,673 I literally bully them. 772 00:32:46,756 --> 00:32:48,716 -They just like to be degraded. -Mm... 773 00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:50,885 How long do you plan on making money like this? 774 00:32:50,969 --> 00:32:54,222 I make 20K a month off these guys, so until that goes away... 775 00:32:54,305 --> 00:32:55,181 Whoa. 776 00:32:55,264 --> 00:32:56,516 -[Christian] What? -[Tim] Wow. 777 00:32:57,016 --> 00:32:58,518 Now, get up for a minute. Get up. 778 00:32:58,601 --> 00:33:00,728 Let's be honest, both of you. 779 00:33:00,812 --> 00:33:02,355 Now, you're a subscriber. 780 00:33:02,438 --> 00:33:03,731 -Is it... -[Christian] Wait, what? 781 00:33:03,815 --> 00:33:06,067 Is it weird to see her in real life? 782 00:33:07,026 --> 00:33:07,986 [chuckles] 783 00:33:08,528 --> 00:33:11,406 -No. -Yeah, now, what do you think about this? 784 00:33:11,489 --> 00:33:13,491 Who do you think is right here? The... 785 00:33:13,574 --> 00:33:16,536 You know, I don't even know which, but, you know, what's going on? 786 00:33:16,619 --> 00:33:19,998 -20K a month is good. I'd... I'd say her. -[Bela] Thank you. 787 00:33:20,081 --> 00:33:21,582 Okay, what do you think about this? 788 00:33:21,666 --> 00:33:22,709 Her too. 789 00:33:22,792 --> 00:33:24,711 -Okay. Thank you. -Right. 790 00:33:24,794 --> 00:33:25,753 Thank you. 791 00:33:25,837 --> 00:33:27,964 It's the Charlottesville Riot. Thank you, guys, 792 00:33:28,923 --> 00:33:30,466 for coming here. 793 00:33:30,550 --> 00:33:32,927 This is such a weird Gen Z fucking problem. 794 00:33:33,594 --> 00:33:35,430 -Know what I mean? I get it. -This is normal! 795 00:33:35,513 --> 00:33:37,223 You don't want her to do fucking OnlyFans, 796 00:33:37,306 --> 00:33:40,935 but you want her to waste time with you, do YouTube, that's the worst argument. 797 00:33:41,019 --> 00:33:43,396 -Thank you. -[Tim] You know what I mean? 798 00:33:43,479 --> 00:33:45,273 You're not offering her a better alternative. 799 00:33:45,356 --> 00:33:47,984 Okay. Um, we could play Minecraft, Fortnite... 800 00:33:48,067 --> 00:33:49,652 -[Tim] Oh my God. -[crowd booing] 801 00:33:49,736 --> 00:33:52,196 -Oh my God, dude, no. -[Christian] What? 802 00:33:52,280 --> 00:33:53,698 Boo! 803 00:33:53,781 --> 00:33:55,533 -[Tim] No Minecraft. -Where's the money? 804 00:33:55,616 --> 00:33:57,618 Can you stand up, sir? Can you stand up? 805 00:33:57,702 --> 00:34:00,204 You got an erection when you heard the word "Minecraft." 806 00:34:00,288 --> 00:34:01,497 [crowd laughing] 807 00:34:01,581 --> 00:34:03,041 Now, Fortnite is... 808 00:34:03,124 --> 00:34:04,333 Now, let me... 809 00:34:04,417 --> 00:34:08,212 Will you play Fortnite with this guy so he doesn't bother this woman? 810 00:34:08,296 --> 00:34:09,547 He seems a bit boring. 811 00:34:09,630 --> 00:34:11,299 -Yeah. -Yeah. It's crazy to ask... 812 00:34:11,382 --> 00:34:12,592 Are you a gamer? 813 00:34:12,675 --> 00:34:14,135 -Not particularly. -Really? 814 00:34:14,218 --> 00:34:17,096 Yeah. OnlyFans is more fun than gaming, it seems. 815 00:34:17,180 --> 00:34:19,807 Okay, all right. Would you subscribe? 816 00:34:20,349 --> 00:34:22,310 -How much is it a month? -[Bela] I'll bully you! 817 00:34:22,393 --> 00:34:24,062 I don't want to be bullied, no. 818 00:34:24,145 --> 00:34:25,396 You don't wanna be bullied? 819 00:34:25,480 --> 00:34:27,690 He had enough of it in high school. All right. 820 00:34:27,774 --> 00:34:29,275 [crowd applauding] 821 00:34:29,942 --> 00:34:32,779 Come here, what do you think? Are you... Who do you... Are you... 822 00:34:32,862 --> 00:34:35,740 Will you stand up for Christian? No one will. What do you think? 823 00:34:35,823 --> 00:34:38,159 I will stand for my family. And them both are my family. 824 00:34:38,242 --> 00:34:41,287 -That's my cousin! -Oh, this is your cousin? Really? 825 00:34:41,370 --> 00:34:42,580 [Bela] That's my cousin! 826 00:34:42,663 --> 00:34:45,666 -So who do you... Who do you agree with? -[crowd booing] 827 00:34:45,750 --> 00:34:47,335 -[cousin] Listen, as family... -Pick a side! 828 00:34:47,418 --> 00:34:51,964 As family goes, we like to stick together, so I don't want to choose both. 829 00:34:52,757 --> 00:34:54,300 But make your money. Respectfully. 830 00:34:54,383 --> 00:34:56,344 -All right. That's fair. -[Bela] Thank you! 831 00:34:56,427 --> 00:34:57,720 That's fair. 832 00:34:57,804 --> 00:34:59,263 -All right, that's fair. -He gets it. 833 00:34:59,347 --> 00:35:03,226 Bela, is there anything, is there any way that you would stop doing OnlyFans? 834 00:35:03,309 --> 00:35:04,352 No. 835 00:35:05,228 --> 00:35:08,439 All right. Give it up for Bela and Christian, everybody. 836 00:35:08,523 --> 00:35:09,816 Clap it up for them. 837 00:35:10,691 --> 00:35:12,527 They should both go to jail. 838 00:35:14,737 --> 00:35:16,864 -[crowd booing] -[Tim] I've never met a more... 839 00:35:16,948 --> 00:35:19,742 I've never met a more hateable person. All right. 840 00:35:20,451 --> 00:35:22,662 I've never met a more hateable person. All right. 841 00:35:22,745 --> 00:35:24,831 [crowd continues booing] 842 00:35:24,914 --> 00:35:27,875 I hope the homeless attack them on the way out. I hope... 843 00:35:27,959 --> 00:35:31,963 I hope their skin is stripped off their body, one by one. I'm kidding. 844 00:35:32,046 --> 00:35:34,090 They're cute. What are you gonna do? I mean... 845 00:35:34,715 --> 00:35:39,679 And now, he's here to tell his wife he lost $200,000 on NFTs, 846 00:35:39,762 --> 00:35:42,849 but don't worry, he's still a true believer. 847 00:35:42,932 --> 00:35:45,351 Let's meet Francesco, everybody. 848 00:35:45,434 --> 00:35:48,729 -[upbeat synth music playing] -[crowd cheering] 849 00:35:50,815 --> 00:35:52,316 [Tim] Yeah! 850 00:35:52,900 --> 00:35:54,652 -What's up? -[Tim] Francesco. 851 00:35:56,946 --> 00:36:00,908 Francesco, you look like every friend I had who lost money on NFTs. 852 00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:03,161 [Tim laughs] 853 00:36:03,870 --> 00:36:05,121 Tell us what happened. 854 00:36:05,204 --> 00:36:09,375 {\an8}Well, the first NFT that I invested in was a... 855 00:36:09,458 --> 00:36:11,794 {\an8}was a picture of a 3D monkey. 856 00:36:11,878 --> 00:36:14,213 -Was it the Bored Ape? -It was a derivative of that. 857 00:36:14,297 --> 00:36:15,298 -It was a derivative? -Yes. 858 00:36:15,381 --> 00:36:18,718 So, it wasn't the Bored Ape Yacht Club, it was a knockoff... 859 00:36:18,801 --> 00:36:20,428 -[crowd booing] -Hey! Hey! Hey! 860 00:36:21,262 --> 00:36:23,514 Jesus Christ. Hold on. 861 00:36:24,557 --> 00:36:26,267 This guy's out here baring his soul. 862 00:36:26,350 --> 00:36:28,477 -[laughing] -Now, how much... 863 00:36:29,520 --> 00:36:33,733 do you go and lose with NFTs after it's all said and done? 864 00:36:33,816 --> 00:36:38,154 {\an8}So, you know, after we were buying and selling and, you know, doing all that, 865 00:36:38,237 --> 00:36:41,157 {\an8}I was in the hole about 200 grand, you know, by the end of it 866 00:36:41,240 --> 00:36:42,158 [crowd] Ooh. 867 00:36:42,241 --> 00:36:44,577 Okay. And your wife does not know this? 868 00:36:44,660 --> 00:36:47,830 No, she has no clue that I lost that much money, yeah. 869 00:36:47,914 --> 00:36:49,749 -Yeah. [chuckles] -[crowd] Ooh. 870 00:36:49,832 --> 00:36:52,210 How do you think she's gonna react when you tell her? 871 00:36:52,793 --> 00:36:55,379 Well, my wife actually does have a finance background, 872 00:36:55,463 --> 00:36:58,758 and she works for a big financial institution, 873 00:36:59,425 --> 00:37:02,178 and she's been telling me that this is not a... 874 00:37:02,261 --> 00:37:05,056 wasn't a good idea for a long time. You know, for sure. 875 00:37:05,139 --> 00:37:08,768 So, wait a minute. Your wife, with the financial background, 876 00:37:08,851 --> 00:37:11,103 was telling you that this was not a good idea? 877 00:37:11,187 --> 00:37:12,104 No. 878 00:37:12,188 --> 00:37:18,236 And you still dumped $200,000 of family money into the... 879 00:37:18,945 --> 00:37:21,155 To be fair, $200,000 was what I lost. 880 00:37:21,239 --> 00:37:23,241 I dumped a lot more than that into it. 881 00:37:23,324 --> 00:37:24,867 [Tim] Okay, all right. All right. 882 00:37:24,951 --> 00:37:27,662 To be... If we're gonna be honest, air out our dirty laundry. 883 00:37:27,745 --> 00:37:29,038 [Tim] Okay, that's fine. 884 00:37:29,121 --> 00:37:31,082 All right, everybody, are you guys ready? 885 00:37:31,165 --> 00:37:33,167 [crowd cheering] 886 00:37:34,168 --> 00:37:35,253 [chanting] Bring her out! 887 00:37:35,336 --> 00:37:37,672 This show is all about getting honest. 888 00:37:37,755 --> 00:37:39,215 Bring her out! Bring her out! 889 00:37:39,298 --> 00:37:41,759 -That's right. -Bring her out! Bring her out! 890 00:37:41,842 --> 00:37:47,640 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Lindsey! 891 00:37:47,723 --> 00:37:50,351 -[crowd cheering] -[Lindsey laughing] 892 00:37:53,312 --> 00:37:55,523 [Tim] Lindsey, welcome to the show. 893 00:37:55,606 --> 00:37:57,817 Welcome to the show. 894 00:37:57,900 --> 00:37:59,694 Lindsey, well... 895 00:37:59,777 --> 00:38:01,821 Aw... [laughing] 896 00:38:05,324 --> 00:38:09,078 Oh, Lindsey, Lindsey, Lindsey. 897 00:38:09,161 --> 00:38:10,621 Welcome to the show. 898 00:38:10,705 --> 00:38:11,872 Congratulations. 899 00:38:11,956 --> 00:38:13,249 {\an8}Thank you. 900 00:38:13,332 --> 00:38:15,084 {\an8}How many months are you? 901 00:38:15,167 --> 00:38:16,335 {\an8}Eight months. 902 00:38:16,419 --> 00:38:17,295 Wow. 903 00:38:18,004 --> 00:38:21,257 Give her a round of applause, everybody. Congratulations. 904 00:38:21,340 --> 00:38:23,801 [cheering] 905 00:38:23,884 --> 00:38:25,803 [Tim] Congratulations. 906 00:38:25,886 --> 00:38:28,889 And you're aware that your husband got into crypto and NFTs. 907 00:38:28,973 --> 00:38:31,100 What'd you think about that at the time? 908 00:38:31,183 --> 00:38:33,894 You know, I... I feel it's kind of bullshit. 909 00:38:34,478 --> 00:38:36,605 -Um, it's... -[crowd cheering] 910 00:38:36,689 --> 00:38:37,940 [Lindsey laughing] 911 00:38:38,024 --> 00:38:41,110 Your husband brought you here because he wants to confess something. 912 00:38:41,193 --> 00:38:42,320 -Oh God. -To you. 913 00:38:42,403 --> 00:38:45,031 -Okay. -And we're gonna let him take it away. 914 00:38:46,240 --> 00:38:47,575 Um... Yeah, so... 915 00:38:47,658 --> 00:38:50,161 [crowd laughing, jeering] 916 00:38:53,331 --> 00:38:56,959 {\an8}You know, so, you know, we're having, you know, another child, you know. 917 00:38:57,043 --> 00:38:57,918 {\an8}-Yeah. -And, uh... 918 00:38:58,002 --> 00:39:00,629 {\an8}I wanted to make sure that, you know, we came clean about everything 919 00:39:00,713 --> 00:39:02,923 -in our financial situation. -Uh-huh. 920 00:39:03,007 --> 00:39:04,050 Our financial... 921 00:39:04,842 --> 00:39:07,595 Uh, you know, the story of our financials, you know... 922 00:39:07,678 --> 00:39:08,721 [exhales sharply] 923 00:39:08,804 --> 00:39:10,973 -You sound like Joe Biden. -Yeah. 924 00:39:11,057 --> 00:39:12,600 [laughing] 925 00:39:15,353 --> 00:39:18,189 -I, you know... Yeah, I got out. Yeah. -[woman] Spit it out already! 926 00:39:18,272 --> 00:39:20,107 [crowd jeering] 927 00:39:20,733 --> 00:39:21,567 So... 928 00:39:21,650 --> 00:39:26,572 [crowd chanting] Spit it out! Spit it out! Spit it out! Spit it out! Spit it out! 929 00:39:26,655 --> 00:39:28,574 Spit it out! Spit it out! 930 00:39:28,657 --> 00:39:31,327 -[chanting fades] -So, you know, to come clean, um... 931 00:39:31,410 --> 00:39:35,831 I did lose, uh, you know, around $200,000 of our money in that. 932 00:39:35,915 --> 00:39:36,749 What? 933 00:39:36,832 --> 00:39:38,834 [crowd] Ooh! 934 00:39:39,460 --> 00:39:42,797 I did lose about... about that amount. However... 935 00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:44,757 -However... -Wait. Wait a minute. 936 00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:48,427 You know, there are new opportunities. You know, there are new coins. 937 00:39:48,511 --> 00:39:49,887 [crowd laughing] 938 00:39:49,970 --> 00:39:52,223 So it... it... it... 939 00:39:52,306 --> 00:39:55,142 So there's these new coins called shitcoins now. 940 00:39:55,226 --> 00:39:56,435 -Babe. -And... 941 00:39:56,519 --> 00:39:58,437 [Tim] Hold on. Hold on. Let's... 942 00:39:58,521 --> 00:40:01,357 Let's give your wife Lindsey a minute 943 00:40:01,941 --> 00:40:04,568 to just deal with what you just said 944 00:40:04,652 --> 00:40:06,445 before you start pitching her 945 00:40:07,863 --> 00:40:10,157 on shitcoins, you psychopath. 946 00:40:11,075 --> 00:40:13,577 I mean, Jesus Christ. 947 00:40:13,661 --> 00:40:14,954 I mean... 948 00:40:15,454 --> 00:40:16,414 [Lindsey] Hold on. 949 00:40:16,497 --> 00:40:18,666 Two hundred thousand dollars? 950 00:40:18,749 --> 00:40:20,918 -Yep. -Are you insane? 951 00:40:23,587 --> 00:40:25,631 -Are you insane? -[sighing] 952 00:40:25,714 --> 00:40:27,842 Two hundred thousand dollars? 953 00:40:27,925 --> 00:40:31,178 Only when what you do... You know, when people say what you do is crazy, 954 00:40:31,262 --> 00:40:35,015 only then are you doing enough. That's what I live by, that's my... 955 00:40:35,099 --> 00:40:36,642 -[Lindsey] Babe. -That's my, like... 956 00:40:36,725 --> 00:40:37,643 [crowd booing] 957 00:40:37,726 --> 00:40:39,937 Two hundred thousand dollars? 958 00:40:40,020 --> 00:40:42,565 Wait a minute, what Gary Vaynerchuk quote is that? 959 00:40:43,732 --> 00:40:44,900 Come here for a second. 960 00:40:44,984 --> 00:40:48,195 If this guy... If anyone will agree with you, 961 00:40:48,279 --> 00:40:50,030 it's gonna be someone like this here. 962 00:40:50,114 --> 00:40:54,076 Come here, let me... You look pretty sympathetic to this. 963 00:40:54,160 --> 00:40:57,788 Do you support... This is a guy you'd do coke with in Miami. 964 00:40:57,872 --> 00:41:01,292 Now, what are you... When you hear this guy, what do you think? 965 00:41:01,375 --> 00:41:04,128 He lost $200,000, how do you feel? 966 00:41:04,211 --> 00:41:06,839 All right, admittedly, I did trade crypto. 967 00:41:07,756 --> 00:41:10,301 [crowd laughing, cheering] 968 00:41:10,384 --> 00:41:12,178 Wait a minute, we are... we are shocked. 969 00:41:13,262 --> 00:41:16,140 You could have opted into, like, a Roth IRA, 970 00:41:16,223 --> 00:41:18,851 you could have put your money into a trust, government bonds. 971 00:41:18,934 --> 00:41:22,813 Those pay out so well, in, like, 30 years. You would have been set up for retirement. 972 00:41:22,897 --> 00:41:23,856 [crowd booing] 973 00:41:23,939 --> 00:41:26,442 All right, sit down. Sit down. 974 00:41:26,525 --> 00:41:29,361 This guy's cucking for JPMorgan on the show, 975 00:41:30,070 --> 00:41:31,655 that's not what we want. 976 00:41:32,281 --> 00:41:36,202 I got him up because I thought he was going to be cool and on Molly and shit. 977 00:41:36,785 --> 00:41:39,788 And then he's talking about fucking Roth IRAs. 978 00:41:40,789 --> 00:41:43,334 Your husband's a lot cooler than this fucking guy. 979 00:41:43,417 --> 00:41:45,127 -I'm telling you right now. -He's not. 980 00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:48,923 Will you... Can you... Can you please just weigh in here 981 00:41:49,006 --> 00:41:50,758 because you look like a scumbag. 982 00:41:50,841 --> 00:41:51,926 Is there any way... 983 00:41:52,009 --> 00:41:54,261 Can you please back this guy up? 984 00:41:54,345 --> 00:41:56,472 Is there any... I mean, you understand, right? 985 00:41:56,555 --> 00:41:58,432 -It could have gone up. -[Lindsey] Do not do it. 986 00:41:58,516 --> 00:42:02,228 I wish I could, I don't think he has it. I think you got to switch turns. 987 00:42:02,311 --> 00:42:03,771 Let her handle the finances. 988 00:42:03,854 --> 00:42:06,148 You handle the children, seems you're more capable of that. 989 00:42:06,232 --> 00:42:08,484 -What do you... Oh-ho-ho-ho. Wait a minute. -[crowd] Oh! 990 00:42:11,737 --> 00:42:14,990 Is there anyone who will support this guy? 991 00:42:15,074 --> 00:42:18,494 -Is there any guy who will? Or woman? -No. 992 00:42:18,577 --> 00:42:20,913 -Yeah. -Yeah, stand up. Thank you, guy. 993 00:42:20,996 --> 00:42:23,874 Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you so mu... 994 00:42:23,958 --> 00:42:26,669 You look like a character witness in a rape trial. 995 00:42:26,752 --> 00:42:28,671 [crowd laughing] 996 00:42:28,754 --> 00:42:30,548 I mean, Jesus Christ. 997 00:42:32,007 --> 00:42:33,467 [laughs] 998 00:42:34,885 --> 00:42:36,178 Hey, it was a tough year. 999 00:42:37,054 --> 00:42:39,348 You were trying to do something good for your family. 1000 00:42:39,431 --> 00:42:43,602 You were trying to make an investment. This is America. And the dream can happen. 1001 00:42:43,686 --> 00:42:46,355 Listen, Lindsey, American Psycho makes a good point. 1002 00:42:47,648 --> 00:42:51,277 I mean, even on the way here, I see this fucking hamster, 1003 00:42:51,360 --> 00:42:53,445 with, like, money popping off of it. 1004 00:42:53,529 --> 00:42:54,530 And I'm like, 1005 00:42:55,489 --> 00:42:56,407 "What is that?" 1006 00:42:56,490 --> 00:42:58,617 -Hamster Kombat. Big crypto. -What is that? 1007 00:42:58,701 --> 00:43:01,412 -Hamster Kombat. -That's the shit I don't want to see. 1008 00:43:01,495 --> 00:43:04,748 Wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on. Hamster Kombat? 1009 00:43:04,832 --> 00:43:05,666 Hamster Kombat. Yes. 1010 00:43:05,749 --> 00:43:07,960 -This sounds kinda badass. -[Francesco] It's pretty good. 1011 00:43:08,043 --> 00:43:11,088 Wait a minute. Hold on. What... Is it hamsters that kind of fight? 1012 00:43:11,171 --> 00:43:13,048 No! It's one hamster. 1013 00:43:13,132 --> 00:43:15,009 -And all it does is... -She doesn't understand. 1014 00:43:15,092 --> 00:43:16,969 He just hits it and little money signs pop up. 1015 00:43:17,052 --> 00:43:19,471 No, but I like this. Go on about this. 1016 00:43:19,555 --> 00:43:21,640 Now... No, no, no, you judgmental cunts. 1017 00:43:21,724 --> 00:43:23,058 Now, listen to me, this... 1018 00:43:23,142 --> 00:43:25,102 This is a hamster and what happens? 1019 00:43:25,185 --> 00:43:26,854 {\an8}Well, the hamster, 1020 00:43:26,937 --> 00:43:30,024 {\an8}it just appears out of thin air, the more you touch it, the more you... 1021 00:43:30,107 --> 00:43:33,277 {\an8}the more you click on it, and then it becomes a CEO, 1022 00:43:33,360 --> 00:43:36,655 {\an8}-and you can buy a Lambo with the ham... -[crowd booing] 1023 00:43:36,739 --> 00:43:39,533 Lindsey, you see this hamster on the plane, what do you think? 1024 00:43:39,617 --> 00:43:42,202 Right. I'm like, "Okay, what the hell are you doing?" 1025 00:43:42,286 --> 00:43:44,538 I'm like, "Turn the phone. Let me see the phone." 1026 00:43:44,622 --> 00:43:46,373 "Let me see the phone." Know what it was? 1027 00:43:46,457 --> 00:43:47,750 -It was... -A woodchuck? 1028 00:43:47,833 --> 00:43:50,210 It was two cartoon women 1029 00:43:50,878 --> 00:43:52,546 called, "Twerk-something," 1030 00:43:52,630 --> 00:43:55,549 and the more you press it, the bigger their butts grow. 1031 00:43:55,633 --> 00:43:58,969 [crowd laughing, cheering] 1032 00:44:01,764 --> 00:44:04,516 It's a mini-game that's part of Hamster Kombat. 1033 00:44:04,600 --> 00:44:07,436 So to answer your question, to answer your question, 1034 00:44:07,519 --> 00:44:08,395 what I would like 1035 00:44:08,479 --> 00:44:11,815 is to not ever see any of this shit again. 1036 00:44:11,899 --> 00:44:13,651 Francesco, will you promise 1037 00:44:14,193 --> 00:44:16,654 to your beautiful pregnant wife right now 1038 00:44:17,237 --> 00:44:19,782 that you will not play... 1039 00:44:19,865 --> 00:44:20,866 Mm-hmm. 1040 00:44:20,949 --> 00:44:21,950 ...with hamsters, 1041 00:44:22,785 --> 00:44:24,036 penguins, 1042 00:44:24,119 --> 00:44:26,455 apes, or big-butted women? 1043 00:44:28,832 --> 00:44:30,709 If that's what it takes to keep you... 1044 00:44:30,793 --> 00:44:33,337 -[crowd jeering] -If that's what it takes... if that... 1045 00:44:33,420 --> 00:44:37,341 If... If... If it's my wife or the crypto, 1046 00:44:37,424 --> 00:44:38,467 I would choose my wife. 1047 00:44:39,176 --> 00:44:43,180 All right, give them a round of applause. Let's give them a round of applause. 1048 00:44:46,141 --> 00:44:48,811 Lindsey, do you accept this? 1049 00:44:50,270 --> 00:44:51,855 I'll believe it when I see it. 1050 00:44:51,939 --> 00:44:55,150 All right. Well, give her a big hug. Give her a big hug and a kiss. 1051 00:44:55,234 --> 00:44:56,652 -Come on. -[crowd applauding] 1052 00:44:56,735 --> 00:44:58,278 [Tim] That's your hamster right there. 1053 00:44:58,362 --> 00:45:00,489 -That's your big hamster. -[Francesco] I love you. 1054 00:45:00,572 --> 00:45:03,701 Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Lindsey and Francesco, everybody. 1055 00:45:03,784 --> 00:45:06,036 -Give them a round of applause. -[crowd cheering] 1056 00:45:06,120 --> 00:45:07,538 [Tim] Give 'em a round of applause. 1057 00:45:07,621 --> 00:45:09,623 Thank you guys so much for coming on. Good luck. 1058 00:45:10,582 --> 00:45:13,252 Francesco, I have some opportunities for you later. 1059 00:45:13,335 --> 00:45:15,045 We'll figure it out. We'll talk. 1060 00:45:16,922 --> 00:45:21,176 Well, after what we've seen here tonight, we can only come to one conclusion. 1061 00:45:21,260 --> 00:45:22,845 Harvey Weinstein is innocent. 1062 00:45:22,928 --> 00:45:25,222 -[shocked laughter] -I'm kidding. I'm kidding. 1063 00:45:25,305 --> 00:45:28,976 The American people are very sick and there's not much we can do about it. 1064 00:45:29,059 --> 00:45:32,855 There's not enough prisons to house them, and we can't send them all to fight China. 1065 00:45:32,938 --> 00:45:35,107 So, what can we do? 1066 00:45:35,190 --> 00:45:37,943 We can keep feeding them and paying them for sex. 1067 00:45:38,026 --> 00:45:41,029 Thank you for watching, and register to vote! Good night! 1068 00:45:41,113 --> 00:45:43,282 -[cheering] -[upbeat synth music playing] 1069 00:45:43,365 --> 00:45:47,077 Are you willing to twerk for Kamala? Twerk for Kamala right now. 1070 00:45:47,578 --> 00:45:49,830 Twerk for Kamala. That's not twerking. 1071 00:45:49,913 --> 00:45:52,040 That's not twerk. That's horrible. 1072 00:45:52,124 --> 00:45:54,168 {\an8}-You say you're a magician, right? -Yeah. 1073 00:45:54,251 --> 00:45:57,921 {\an8}So pull the rabbit out of the hat and follow the White Rabbit for the truth. 1074 00:45:58,964 --> 00:46:00,466 Okay, that was terrible. 1075 00:46:00,549 --> 00:46:03,427 But the point is this... It was absolutely terrible. 1076 00:46:04,094 --> 00:46:05,929 -Freedom... -[crowd] Yeah. 1077 00:46:06,013 --> 00:46:07,598 [crowd jeering] 1078 00:46:07,681 --> 00:46:11,185 How... How fucking stupid is the entire... 1079 00:46:11,268 --> 00:46:12,936 I mean, this is amazing. 1080 00:46:13,020 --> 00:46:16,774 {\an8}These women are treating you like a piñata, but you're allowing it to... 1081 00:46:16,857 --> 00:46:19,067 {\an8}That's... And it's not because you're Mexican. 1082 00:46:19,943 --> 00:46:21,570 It's not because you're Mexican. 1083 00:46:21,653 --> 00:46:24,406 Oh, Mom! 1084 00:46:24,990 --> 00:46:25,908 So... 1085 00:46:27,284 --> 00:46:30,329 your boys, you would not manage as much, 1086 00:46:30,412 --> 00:46:33,707 but if your daughter became a fatty boom-batty, you would... 1087 00:46:33,791 --> 00:46:35,751 -You would get involved? -I'd be pretty upset. 1088 00:46:35,834 --> 00:46:38,253 -Maya, are you in a relationship now? -I am. 1089 00:46:38,337 --> 00:46:41,089 -And what type of man are you with now? -A provider. 1090 00:46:41,173 --> 00:46:43,300 -A generous man. -A generous man. Okay. 1091 00:46:43,383 --> 00:46:45,344 -And how old is he? -He's 84. 1092 00:46:45,427 --> 00:46:46,428 He's 84. 1093 00:46:46,512 --> 00:46:47,387 [crowd cheering] 1094 00:46:47,471 --> 00:46:48,972 He's 84 years... 1095 00:46:49,056 --> 00:46:50,641 -[crowd whooping] -He's... 1096 00:46:52,184 --> 00:46:54,311 How creepy are white people? 1097 00:46:54,394 --> 00:46:57,147 I'm not a gold-digging whore, but I am a size queen, 1098 00:46:57,231 --> 00:46:59,817 and the fact that you can cross your legs like that, 1099 00:47:00,442 --> 00:47:01,902 -I don't have the time. -[crowd] Oh! 1100 00:47:01,985 --> 00:47:05,072 Oh! 1101 00:47:06,824 --> 00:47:10,077 Jose! Jose! 1102 00:47:10,160 --> 00:47:11,620 I mean... Right? 1103 00:47:11,703 --> 00:47:13,747 -You're saying he's got a pussy? -Yes. 1104 00:47:13,831 --> 00:47:17,167 Kill John McCain! Kill John McCain! 1105 00:47:17,709 --> 00:47:21,088 [all chanting] Kill John McCain! Kill John McCain! 86730