Original subtitles

♪ Ooh‐ooh‐ooh

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Travel down the road And back again ♪

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal And a confidante ♪

♪ And if you threw A party ♪

♪ Invited everyone You knew ♪

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift Would be from me ♪

♪ And the card attached Would say ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

It's gone. I can't believe it.

Thirty years, and now it's gone.

Let me guess, your short‐term memory?

My short‐term memory?

Please. My short‐term memory.

Who's the Mexican?

Sophia, what's gone?

My purse. My purse is gone. Stolen by some thug.

All right, all right. Now, tell us what happened.

I'll tell you what happened.

The economy gets bad, the people get hungry,

they resort to car‐jacking.

Car‐jacking?

Oh, yeah. I borrowed your car.

So they stole my car?

With my purse in it.

The cops say they could be anyplace

because I had a full tank of gas.

You filled the tank?

Oh, yeah. I borrowed your credit card.

I can't believe this.

I better call the insurance company.

Yeah. We should do something about this.

Hey, you know what? Maybe I should teach a self‐defense seminar.

I'm a blue belt in taekwondo.

‐A blue belt? ‐Yeah. I could teach you some maneuvers.

You could invite some friends over.

I'm not great or anything.

Terrific. A guy's coming at me with a gun,

and I can moon him.

How do I look?

Mmm. Fine.

Fine? I spent three hours getting ready.

Surely you can do better than that.

I was thinking the same thing about you.

Roland, how do I look?

‐You look nice. ‐Nice?

Rose, tell them how I look.

(sighs) Like a glimmering jewel,

a perfect diamond in a field of darkness, flawless, spectacular, and stunning.

Thank you, dear.

You're new to our little game.

I had better look my best,

because tonight I have a very big date with Bobby Lee.

I don't know if I mentioned it, but Bobby Lee's a...

‐all: Cattle baron from Austin. ‐Roland: Yeah.

Well, he is a cattle baron from Austin,

and I have a feeling he's going to ask me a special question tonight.

Oh, yeah? I assumed you were going out with him 'cause it's your birthday tomorrow.

Oh, wait. So that's why Rebecca's coming in.

Yeah, that's right. Daughters just love to come watch their mothers get older.

Oh, honey, I'm sure she's coming to watch you get fatter, too.

Oh, no, thank you.

Well, I had a great time as usual.

Blanche, there's something I've been meaning to ask you.

‐I'm 42 years old. ‐(Bob chuckles)

Yeah, you mentioned that. Uh, so that means you were born in‐‐

‐Atlanta. ‐(chuckles) Right.

Yeah. Sit down for a minute, would you, darling?

Look, what I wanted to ask is...

Look, Blanche, I've been a bachelor too long.

And shoot, you know, we laugh at all the same things,

and we have so much fun together,

‐and we understand each other, and... ‐(Blanche chuckles)

I don't know. Maybe it's time to settle down.

I think maybe it is.

So I don't know how else to ask this.

Blanche...

I want you to be my wife.

Oh, Bobby Lee!

And bear my babies.

I just don't know what to say. What?

I want you to have my kids.

Oh, my God.

Now, believe me, I know I'm not a young man,

and I know your biological clock is ticking.

Tick‐tock.

So this is something I want to do right away.

Uh‐huh.

Well, Bobby Lee, there is something

I have not been totally honest with you about.

Well, it seems that‐‐

I know you're not 42 years old, Blanche.

I'm 46 years old?

Blanche.

All right, I'm even older than 46.

Blanche, I don't care if you're 56.

I'm not. I swear I'm not.

Blanche, I'm not looking for a 30‐year‐old wife.

I want to be with you.

And what I'm talking about is not impossible.

You know, I've been a cattle rancher all my life.

And if there's something I know about, it is breeding.

So let's just let those doctors do all the worrying.

You just tell me that you want to have my children.

Oh, I do, Bobby Lee Taggert. I do!

Good morning, everybody.

I have an announcement to make.

Come on. Listen.

Bobby Lee has asked for my hand in marriage,

and I accepted.

‐You did? ‐I did.

I don't know what to say.

I do. Congratulations.

Thank you.

Yeah, congratulations. That's great, Blanche.

Wait a minute. Wait. There's more.

He also asked me to have his baby.

And I said yes to that, too.

‐You did? ‐I did.

I don't know what to say.

I do. You're old.

Hey, Sophia.

What? She's a fossil.

I am not.

Oh, please.

Come on, Blanche.

Sophia exaggerates, but she does make a point.

I think it may be too late in your life to have a baby.

I mean, don't you think maybe that ship has sailed?

That ship has sunk.

Blanche, this is because you lied about your age, isn't it?

Blanche: No.

Well, now, at first, I thought it was,

but then Bobby Lee told me about this grandmother in California

that just gave birth to twins.

Her husband fertilized the egg of another woman,

and then they implanted it in her uterus.

(scoffs) Men!

Blanche, I don't know why you're doing this.

I'll tell you why she's doing this.

This is all because of her birthday.

Every year, you try harder to stay younger.

That's exactly why you're getting pregnant.

This is not about my birthday, Rose.

It is because I have met a man I really care about,

and I owe it to him to try this.

Yeah. But if you want to have a baby, Blanche,

at least try to talk to him about adoption.

Yeah, all right. I suppose that's something we could consider.

Besides, where are you going to find an egg?

It has to be a human one, right?

No, Rose. I'm going to give birth to an eight‐pound hamster.

Oh, good luck trying to get that into a decent college.

Good afternoon, everybody,

and welcome to the self‐defense seminar today.

I'm your instructor. My name is Roland Wilson.

And I have achieved the level of taekwondo blue belt.

(women laughing)

Okay, let's just settle down.

Okay, we're going to learn some basic protective techniques.

Now, did you know for instance

that anything in your purse can be used as a weapon?

I know. It sounds impossible, but even‐‐

Okay, who threw the estrogen?

Come on, tell me. We're not moving on until somebody tells me.

Did you see who threw this, sir?

I am not a sir.

Do yourself a favor.

Okay, before we get started,

let's, let's get to know everybody.

‐Ma'am, could you come up here? ‐Oh. Yes.

‐Okay. What's your name, ma'am? ‐Sylvia.

Sylvia. And why did you take the class?

Well, my husband worries about me.

I go on the bus,

and he says it's too dangerous.

My husband says that I'm frail and old

and just asking for trouble.

And what is your specific goal with this course?

I'd like to put the bastard through a window.

(women cheering)

women: Way to go! Yeah!

(women cheer and applause)

I guess you're ready for the combat part

‐of the seminar. ‐Yes.

And playing our attacker today is Mr. Chuy Castillos.

‐(Chuy exclaims) ‐(women shrieking)

I'll get you! I'll get you all!

Aah! (growls)

Now, Chuy exaggerates a little bit

because a real attacker usually approaches more cautiously.

They might ask you for the time

or ask for directions.

Oh, dear.

Now, there's two rules to remember,

number one is volume.

Don't be afraid to make a lot of noise.

And number two, never stop walking.

If you stop walking, you're gonna be a victim.

‐You'll all be my victims, all of you! ‐(women screaming)

All right, all right. Just chill out, man.

Okay, let's, uh... Let's get started.

We're going to learn some basic techniques.

Are your pads in place?

Hey, relax. I'm the Michelin Man.

I got everything covered but my shins.

Ow!

(women exclaiming)

Get him! Get him! Get him!

Get him! Go!

It was horrible, all these old hands coming,

‐everybody trying to rip off a piece of me. ‐Oh.

All I could think of was, "Boy, that Julio Iglesias

deserves every penny he makes."

Hi.

Well, how did it go?

Well, Bobby Lee has no interest in adoption whatsoever.

He wants children of his own.

Well, you're just going to have to tell him no.

I mean, where are you going to find an egg?

I mean, it has to be someone you're close to,

it has to be someone whose medical history you know,

and it has to be somebody

who'll let you raise the baby.

Mama!

Oh, look, it's Rebecca.

‐Rebecca! ‐Oh!

Now, Mama, before we do anything else,

I've looked and looked,

and I can't find a birthday present for you.

‐Aw. ‐So, don't make me guess.

Tell me what you want.

Name anything, and it's yours.

Oh, honey.

Material things don't matter.

It's what's inside you that counts.

Oh, good. I'm so glad you girls are still up.

I need some advice.

Don't wear puff sleeves.

Makes you look like Babe Ruth in drag.

Now, get this.

I asked Rebecca to help me have this baby.

She says she needs to think about it.

Can you believe her?

Well, look, you can't get upset at Rebecca.

I mean, this is a big thing.

Maybe she doesn't have an egg to spare.

Oh, please.

The woman's an Easter Bunny.

No, she will turn me down

because she thinks I ought to act my age.

But damn it, I'm not old, and I don't feel old.

You ought to feel under your neck.

Mama, there you are.

Listen, I've been giving this a lot of thought,

and I really don't think this is a good idea.

Pregnancies can be very complicated, and at your age‐‐

Rebecca, don't you lecture me now.

I didn't come down to lecture you, but

have you thought about how you're gonna raise this baby?

The same way I raised you.

I'll get good people in.

Mama, you're not helping your argument here.

Anyhow, you know I don't think this is a good idea,

but if you're really so sold on it,

I'll try to give you what you need.

Rebecca, that's wonderful.

But no matter what you say, you're not a young woman.

Now, are you sure you can deal with a little person

yelling and screaming at 3:00 in the morning

'cause she needs to be burped?

I only do that on sausage night.

(moaning)

Oh, good, you're up. I can't sleep.

Excited about the big birthday?

Damn it, Rose, I told you not to talk about my birthday.

I'm talking about your birthday,

I'm talking about Junior's birthday.

I'm pregnant? (scoffs)

I don't remember getting pregnant.

Well, how can you not remember?

I went to the clinic with you.

They gave us the early bird special,

coffee, Danish, and two eggs.

You got pregnant, too?

Well, it was your idea.

You said anybody could do it.

I guess I forgot about all the other stuff.

I mean, the morning sickness, and the varicose veins, and the craving.

You know what I crave most?

‐What? ‐Revenge!

‐Hey! ‐How could you do this to me?

Wait a minute. It isn't my fault.

How could you do this to my back?

Yeah, you would think by now they would have come up with something

to take the strain off our backs.

(groaning)

(continues groaning)

Sophia, how did you get pregnant?

I shook hands with Warren Beatty.

You took me to have an egg implanted.

I did? (scoffs)

Anyway, it must be nice having wheels.

It's nice. But you know what would be better than wheels?

Brakes! Brakes!

Somebody stop me! Somebody stop me!

Stop me! Somebody stop me!

‐Here, here. Get rid of that thing. ‐There you are.

Just sit down. Just sit down.

Have a seat.

‐You got her? ‐Wait a minute, I got her.

I got her. I got her.

‐Okay. Whoa. ‐Easy. Easy.

‐Whoa. ‐Here we go.

(all grunting)

So, have you had the results of the ultrasound, Sophia?

Yup, and there's good news. It's a boy.

‐Oh. ‐Oh.

And he's 35.

Oh!

And he's a dentist.

‐Great. ‐Congratulations.

‐Here, have a toothbrush. ‐Thank you.

Boy, I tell you, this baby has me a little queasy.

Me, too. Whoop. Want to feel a kick?

‐Sure. ‐How could you this to me?

Ow!

Hey!

All I said was anyone can get pregnant.

I didn't mean everyone.

‐Now she tells us. ‐What do you mean?

(groaning)

I am so ugly.

No, you're not, Roland.

Yes, I am. I'm fat and I'm ugly.

I hate myself, I hate my face,

I hate my body,

but what I hate most are these damn mood swings.

(laughing)

Oh! (grunting)

Blanche didn't tell you about that.

And she also didn't tell you

you're going to have to give up sleeping on your stomach.

I'd give anything to sleep on my stomach.

Well, that's not my fault.

It's not like there's anywhere else you can carry a baby,

I mean, is there?

(groaning)

Oh!

I... I'd give a million dollars to sit in a chair.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, this just isn't right.

‐Ow! ‐I'm so sorry, everybody.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Um, I'm...

‐I'm sorry. ‐Honey, wake up.

‐Wake up, sweetie. It's a dream. ‐Oh!

‐Oh, it is? ‐Uh‐huh.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, Rose, I think I forgot

what it was like to be pregnant.

Oh, I don't think I can do this.

What if I never get my body back?

Oh, you'll get your body back.

It'll just be all stretched out of shape.

Oh, no, I definitely cannot do this.

You know, I never thought I'd say this, Rose,

but I'm old.

Blanche Devereaux is old.

You are not old, Blanche.

You're just too old to have babies.

No, I'm old.

And, in a strange way, I feel free saying it.

Liberated by the truth.

Well, then you just have to tell Bobby Lee you can't have his babies.

Well, of course I can't. I'm old!

How old are you, Blanche?

Old enough to know that you can't measure age in years.

You measure it by the number of friends you have.

How many friends do you have?

Forty‐two.

Excuse me. I'm looking for

a Sophia Petrillo. Does she live here?

That's her purse. Where did you find that?

I'm the parking valet at the hotel next door.

She left her car with us yesterday.

She valet‐parked the car.

Hey, that's my purse. That's the guy! That's the guy!

Get him! Get him!

Roland: Hey, ladies!

Ladies, come on. Please control yourself!

Ooh, good knee, Sophia.

She just hit him like‐‐

Hey, stop that, ladies!

Bad ladies! Bad ladies!

Rose: Oh.

Oh, there you are.

Have you had a chance to talk to Bobby Lee?

No. No, not yet. Oh,

here he is now.

Oh, Rose, I don't think I can do this.

Well, honey, now, you have to.

You just have to, and I'll be here for you.

I'll be sticking right by your side.

I'm glue, baby. I ain't going anywhere.

Okay.

Hey, a dime!

Oh!

Blanche: Hi, Bobby Lee.

‐Hi, Blanche. ‐Hi, honey.

Listen, there's something I want to talk to you about.

‐Yeah. ‐It's, uh...

It's about us having a baby, Bobby Lee.

See, I just don't think that‐‐

Blanche, I know what you're worrying about,

and I just want to tell you,

we've got to take the bull by the horns,

and just face it. Its... it's true.

It's true?

Then you mean you think that I'm‐‐

I'm sterile. I can't get you pregnant.

(mouthing)

Aw, Bobby Lee.

Yeah, I went and got tested today,

and I got a really low sperm count,

but it's not because I'm old.

‐I'm not old. ‐I'm not old either.

No.

So I guess you never want to see me again, huh?

Well, honey, of course I do!

But we don't have to rush right into marriage either.

Maybe we just ought to face the fact that we're...

That you're... approaching middle age.

But, hey, we can still have fun together.

That would be wonderful.

Oh. Oh.

Boy.

And to think that I got a whole freezer full of bull sperm at home.

Well, water, water everywhere, huh, Blanche?

I'll call you later, darling.

‐Okay. (chuckles) ‐Bye.

Well, where is he? I want to meet the man

that's going to marry my mama

and father my baby.

Well, it turned out that he was too old.

He was too old?

All right, I'm too old.

Is that what you want to hear, Rebecca?

That you were right in lecturing me

because I'm nothing but a vain foolish woman

who refuses to act her age?

Mama, I lecture you

because you are a beautiful, elegant, intelligent woman

who doesn't need to act like a teenager.

Don't you see?

I want you to be proud of who you are,

'cause, Mama, I sure am.

Oh, baby. I am so stupid.

Here, I've been working so hard trying to have another child,

when I've got one right here

I'll just never learn enough about.

Rebecca Jean, how'd you ever get so smart?

Hey, we're only as smart as our parents.

Oh.

Maybe you're not my real mother.

Hey, come here, you.

Happy birthday, Mama.

Come on, come on, come on.

Oh, hold that elevator.

‐Hold it. ‐Come on.

‐Oh, been jogging? ‐Yeah.

woman: There he is!

Get him! Get him!

(women groaning)

I forgot my hot milk.

(women screaming)