Original subtitles

♪ Ooh‐ooh‐ooh ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Travel down the road And back again ♪

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal And a confidante ♪

♪ And if you threw A party ♪

♪ Invited everyone You knew ♪

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift Would be from me ♪

♪ And the card attached Would say ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

You know, I just can't believe that it took us seven months

to come up with this grand reopening party.

Oh, it's gonna be such a big weekend for us.

Man, I'm gonna scrub that kitchen from top to bottom.

It'll be so clean, you'll be able to eat off the kitchen floor.

No, no, I want to sit at a table.

I want to sit at a table.

Sorry, Shady Pines flashback.

Hey, I'm not taking any chances.

I even got rat poison for out by the dumpster.

Very nice. Very nice.

It's good to see everybody just standing around.

We got this news crew coming for this reopening.

We gotta pull together here, work as a team.

Well sign me up. What can I do to help?

Lock yourself in your room till Monday.

Oh, I get it.

Everybody thinks that dumb Rose

is gonna do something stupid

and mess up our opening.

Don't think I don't know what my nickname is around here,

and it really hurts.

Oh, look, Gilligan has feelings.

Well what would you say if I told you

that I got Gerald Davenport,

Florida's most acclaimed restaurant critic,

to come here tomorrow night? (sighs)

What would you say to little Gilligan then?

Well, I'd say good work, little buddy.

Oh, no. Not Gerald "The Finer Diner" Davenport.

Well, I didn't catch his middle name,

but he is a restaurant critic.

No, Rose. The finer diner's the name of his column.

Davenport, I hate that little runt.

he gave me the worst review of my life.

‐What did he say? ‐He said my cooking was banal.

Oh.

And when I looked it up, boy, was I mad.

Well, I'm sorry, Chuy.

I would never have invited the man here if I had known.

Hey, don't sweat it.

You know, some guys get real macho about these things,

but, hey, I'm over it.

If he thinks my salads are banal, then my salads are banal. Who cares?

Yeah, you know, I always did think the salads around here were kind of plain.

‐I'll cut you, man. ‐Whoa, whoa!

Chuy, Chuy!

Well, sir, I am so sorry the airline lost your bag.

We'll send it right up just as soon as they deliver it.

Oh, thank you.

I own a chain of travel agencies,

and it is so refreshing to meet someone

as bright and on the ball as you are.

And by the way, that's a most interesting brooch.

‐Amethyst? ‐No. Lutheran.

Of course, the pin has no religious significance.

‐It's just a little duck. ‐(guest chuckles)

Oh, yes, well... um...

‐It's right up those stairs. ‐Thank you. Thank you.

I'm really nervous about this food critic coming here.

Oh, we all are, Chuy.

Look at Sophia. She's a basket case.

You know, I'm not so upset now

about missing that King Tut exhibit.

Chuy, that negative review was a long time ago.

He's written thousands since.

Probably didn't even remember you.

Good evening. My name is...

Chuy Castillos.

Oh, my gosh. What a coincidence.

Our cook is named Chuy Castillos.

Isn't that something?

Hey, Davenport. It's been a long time.

Well, I still remember your last meal vividly.

Didn't you get that postcard from my colon,

"wish you were here"?

Well, I think you'll be very surprised

by the meal I have prepared for you tonight.

Does it involve food,

or will I be making another run for the border?

(mumbling)

Why, that cranky, little stuck‐up troll...

I think I'm in love.

Look at him.

Davenport just took two bites of my lobster Newburg,

and he hasn't touched it since.

I made it especially for him.

Just sitting there, motionless, like a zombie.

I know. It's making me hot too.

Ahem.

Well, Mr. Davenport,

How's that lobster Newburg tonight? (chuckles)

Uh, Mr. Davenport? (chuckles)

Hello.

Hello, Mr. Da‐‐

Uh‐oh.

Uh, well, I guess that meal's pretty good then, huh?

Ooh! (chuckles)

Thank you, sir. You're too kind.

Well, you enjoy your meal.

I'm just gonna go back here.

Oh, my God.

Chuy, what's wrong?

It's Davenport, he's gone.

‐Gone where? ‐You know, to a better place.

Where?

The Fontainebleau.

He's trying to tell you the guy is dead, you moron.

Dead? How can that be?

He was fine five minutes ago.

Look, I took his pulse. It's not too tough to count up to zero.

Why is it all the cute guys are either married or dead?

We can't let this ruin the grand opening for the other guests.

We've got to get the body out of there before someone notices it.

Sophia, you create a diversion for the other guests.

‐Like what? ‐I don't know.

Tell them there are topless volleyball players on the beach.

‐Got it. ‐Honey, you sure you've got it?

‐Yeah, yeah, I got it. Topless volleyball players. ‐Yeah. Okay.

Hey, look, out on the beach,

a dead body.

guest: No way.

Get the cart, get the cart.

...

(grunts)

Oh, real smooth, Sophia.

(imitating Sophia) Look, a dead body.

Hey, what's going on in the dining room‐‐

Mr. Davenport, you all right?

He's dead.

Ooh! Oh, my God!

Oh, man! I didn't want to touch a dead guy.

I don't want to touch the unliving.

Get a hold of yourself, Roland.

Yeah, but it's a dead dude,

and he's touching our, our stuff.

A man has died here.

Now I think we should have a moment of silence

to honor our fellow human being.

‐Yeah. Yeah, yeah. ‐Don't you?

(telephone rings)

Golden Palace.

Yes, as a matter of fact,

a table has just opened in the dining room.

Well, at least he'll never call your food banal again.

Hey, look, I want you to really know I had nothing to do with this.

There's nothing wrong with my lobster Newburg.

I make it the way I always make it. Look, look...

Cream...

Sherry...

Rat poison.

Oh, my God. It was a mistake.

It looks just like cornstarch.

Except where the Indian girl was,

there's a rat in an electric chair.

Oh, my God, I've killed a man.

I killed Davenport.

I... I must have subconsciously wanted him dead.

No, Chuy, look, don't jump to conclusions all right.

Now, this was a very old man.

Look, uh, I know somebody at the coroner's office.

I'm just going to run upstairs and call him.

Maybe we can keep this thing quiet.

And I better tell Blanche.

Boy, it's sad.

You work hard all your life and for what?

It's times like this that make you stop and ponder...

Wow! Nice Rolex.

Here's another of our owners, Rose Nylund.

Rose, this is the Channel 3 news team

here to cover our reopening.

Now, Rose here was single‐handedly responsible

for getting that highly acclaimed restaurant critic

‐Mr. Gerald Davenport here to the hotel. ‐Impressive.

Oh, it was nothing, really.

Don't mention it. Please don't mention it.

She's just being modest. (chuckles)

Hey, I don't see Mr. Gerald Davenport around anywhere.

Did he like his food?

Two bites and he was in heaven.

Well, if you'll follow me to the kitchen,

I'll introduce you to our chef Chuy Castillos.

Give me two seconds to straighten up.

Quick, get Tommy toe‐tag into the freezer.

The joint's lousy with newsies.

And this is our kitchen, where our chef Chuy

prepares his culinary surprises.

Ho!

‐In the seven months we've been here, ‐(Rose whispering)

there's been only one complaint.

Well, as investigative reporters,

I'm sure you wouldn't want to miss

the tacky makeshift living quarters

we have for our Latino employees in the back.

Oh, oh! Yeah!

They got me living in squalor back here.

It'll be great on the 11:00 news.

Dead? You mean he dropped dead just like that?

Lord, why does everything happen to me?

Now we got a corpse in the freezer,

a camera crew snooping around the hotel,

and a travel agent whose bad recommendation

could just ruin our reopening. What next?

Al Tucker, health inspector.

It's time for your quarterly inspection.

You know, check the refrigerators, freezers.

(laughs) Rose, did you hear that?

Health inspector wants to check the freezer.

(chuckles) I'm way ahead of you.

Uh, can I get you something before we begin, Mr. Tucker?

‐A Coffee? Tea? ‐No, thanks.

I just need to check your, uh, need to check your walk‐in.

Oh! Well, I'm not at all surprised.

If there's one thing men like to check, it's my walk‐in...

Not to mention my talkin'... (chuckles)

‐And my lovin'... ‐Aah... I... I...

See, I meant your walk‐in freezer.

Well, I know what you meant,

but I can't let you do that.

Well, you're gonna have to

or I'll be forced to write up a violation and close down the restaurant.

Oh, now Mr. Tucker, please don't put me in this position.

And that's not something you'll hear Blanche say every day.

Well, I guess I could start with the refrigerator.

Yeah, oh, why don't you just get yourself

a nice glass of fresh orange juice?

You know, it's so nice how fresh juice tastes so sensual

without being caloric.

Yeah, like bananas. Uh‐huh,

a healthy romp through the world of fruit

without the hangover of candied snacks.

Or how about a cheese ball?

What are you talking about?

Mister, I'm gonna level with you.

I'm a lusty woman.

A lusty, busty, zesty cowgirl that likes to ride all night.

(chuckles) Miss, uh... ahem... Miss Devereaux, I...

I, I... I just want to check your freezer.

Why didn't you say so, it's right over there.

Oh, there you are.

We couldn't find the workers' huts,

and your cook just took off somewhere.

Is there something going on at this hotel?

Well, I'm probably not supposed to tell you this,

but Salman Rushdie is in 205...

And he's with Joan Van Ark.

‐(gasps) Of Knots Landing? ‐ Yes.

Come on.

Oh, I see the airline just dropped off my luggage.

Uh, Roland, would you please take this up to my room?

‐It would be my pleasure, sir. ‐Thank you.

Uh, don't have any cash on me right now. Tip you later.

Don't worry about it. No problem at all.

God! Why do I always have to carry the stiffs?

Gee...

My goodness.

Oh, no. Where is it?

Where did it go?

Blanche, I lost it. I lost the suitcase.

What? Oh, no!

We've got the media roaming the hotel,

a health inspector in the kitchen.

Now you tell me you lost the body. Rose,

that's terrible. What are we gonna do?

Well, you know,

maybe we should just try to have fun with this.

‐What? ‐Get up...

What's taking the coroner so long?

Hey, it's not a job where you have to rush.

Mr. Davenport

I don't know where you are right now, but

I want you to know that

if I did kill you, it was an accident.

And I'm very, very sorry.

And... (screams)

Who are you?

Al Tucker. Health inspector.

You were just in the freezer?

Yeah. It passed inspection.

Man, the city's getting lax, huh?

Look, I have one question. What are these clothes doing in there?

‐Clothes? ‐Yeah.

What are they doing in the freezer?

Oh! (chuckles) Sometimes they tell me to dress the lamb chops.

I don't speak the English too good. (chuckles)

‐Mr. Mitchelson? ‐Look, I can't do this.

Hey, hey! We got to get that suitcase back.

Listen. Ever since I was a kid, I've had this thing about death, okay?

I can't take it. People, animals, insects.

Once when I was five,

My pet hamster Marvin got out‐‐

Roland, Roland. As much as we love a good childhood story, honey...

Save it for your shrink, psycho. We've got work to do.

Oh, he's in the shower.

Oh, that's perfect.

You know how men are. They just take forever...

Lathering up their strong, well‐muscled arms, and...

letting the soap run in rivulets

down over the washboard ripples

of their tight, taut‐‐

That's enough, Blanche.

Oh, I'm back, I'm back.

Well, we can't go wandering around the hotel with a dead man.

Let's wrap him in a blanket.

Uh, yeah. Good.

Oh, here's one.

Oh, man. This is so nasty.

‐This is nasty, nasty, nasty, nasty. ‐(both shushing)

Here.

Oh, it's on me. It's on me.

Don't you blame me, now. It's Rose's fault.

What do you mean my fault?

You're the one that invited Davenport to the hotel.

It's still on me. It's still on me.

I've had it with you. I don't like this, either,

but, after all, there are times in your life...

‐Oh, wait. Wait. ‐...when you just have to face your fears.

No, wait. Wait...

Mitchelson: Is someone out there?

‐Oh, lord. Oh, lord. ‐Get down!

Hide me. Hide me.

What's going on out here?

Hi there, tiger. (growls)

What are you doing in my bed?

Well, let's just say I'm delivering some room service.

‐What? ‐Oh, come on, now.

Isn't that what you've been after all along?

I mean, oh, "My, isn't that an interesting brooch."

Please, I don't have to have a house fall on me,

then again, who does?

There's that wonderful sense of humor.

(laughs)

Ah, your hand is so smooth...

And cold.

Here, let me warm it up for you.

Hey, nice Rolex.

Uh, you know what really turns me on?

What? What?

A man with blow‐dried hair.

‐Really? ‐Oh, yeah.

‐Okay. ‐Ooh.

Okay, okay. Don't move.

Uh‐uh.

Thank you.

Great job, Rose. I could hug you,

but you smell like dead.

‐Roland: Come here. ‐Rose: Go to your right.

This way, this... No, this way.

reporter: Oh, there you are.

Roland: Go back. Go back. Go back. Go back.

Hey, in the laundry chute.

The laundry chute.

‐Ow! ‐Sorry.

Get him down there. Get him down there.

Well, we'd better get you outta here. We have a lot of work to do,

a lot of things to find. (chuckles)

Yeah, everything's on the up and up here at the Golden Palace.

We have nothing to hide.

Okay, we're gonna need a diversion for the guests.

Don't worry. This time I got it‐‐

Topless volleyball players out on the beach.

Yeah. Okay.

Hey, everyone, look...

Dead volleyball player in the blanket.

I did it again, didn't I?

Blanche, Blanche.

Not now. Not now.

‐Hold it. Hold it. ‐What?

‐I got to rest. ‐Okay.

Wait a minute. Ah!

I was a lot younger when I used to do this back in Sicily.

He can't just have gotten up and walked away.

(everyone screams)

reporter: Oh, there you are.

‐Rose. ‐Aah!

What happened to you?

I not only blow dried my hair, I put in mousse.

‐And why did you take my blanket? ‐No!

‐Blanche: Oh, my God! ‐What's going on here?

I don't know, and I'm as shocked as you are.

Why... Uh...

Listen, I think it's time we told the truth.

Rose, what are you doing?

No, Blanche we can't live this lie any longer.

‐Rose, shh. Rose. ‐This man here is drunk.

‐Yeah, he's drunk. ‐Yeah, he's drunk.

He's pickled, pie‐eyed, soused, wasted.

Practically embalmed.

You were doing better without me, weren't you?

Now, you all know this man

as noted restaurant critic Gerald Davenport,

but to local bartenders, he's pure profit.

Oh, I'll say.

Yeah, and when he's drunk,

he, he, he thinks everything tastes banal.

Well, this is horrible.

Well, not entirely

because it gives us here at the Golden Palace

a chance to implement our new designated driver program.

From now on, any of our restaurant patrons

who's had too much will be safely escorted home.

Blanche: That's right.

Um, excuse me, uh, Mr. Davenport, sir,

Do you think you can drive yourself home tonight?

‐Uh‐uh. ‐See, that's the first step,

‐admitting you need help. ‐Roland: That's so true.

(all cheer and applause)

That's so true. That's so true.

‐What's that? ‐(applause stops)

You want me to keep your Rolex for safekeeping?

Get out of here.

I thought this day would never end.

Oh, tell me about it.

Chuy, where have you been?

Out walking the beach, thinking.

‐I mean, I may have killed a man. ‐Oh.

Hey, look, this has touched all of us.

And some of us are hoping that we're gonna be able to scrub it the hell off.

Everybody, everybody, good news.

According to the coroner's report,

Mr. Davenport died of a massive coronary.

‐All right! ‐Yeah!

‐Wonderful. ‐That's great.

‐So Chuy didn't kill anybody. ‐Yeah.

They tested the food.

There was not a trace of rat poison whatsoever.

That's wonderful, wonderful.

Looks like everything ended up working out okay.

Oh, I'll say it did,

I mean... And because of our designated driver program,

Mr. Mitchelson said he's gonna recommend our hotel to all his travel agents.

Yeah, and the health inspector said that we passed with flying colors.

I guess everybody got something out of this.

You're telling me. Ask me what time it is.

Ask me what time it is.

Well, this all worked out pretty good.

Yeah, I'd say all in all

it turned out to be a pretty good day.

Sophia: Whee! (thud)

(sighs) All right, Sophia, that's enough.

What, I got to wait until I'm dead to do this?

Get out of there.

Get that sock off.