Original subtitles

♪ Ooh‐ooh‐ooh

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Travel down the road And back again ♪

♪ Your heart is true ♪

♪ You're a pal And a confidante ♪

♪ And if you threw A party ♪

♪ Invited everyone You knew ♪

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift Would be from me ♪

♪ And the card attached Would say ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

Yes, sir, yes The Golden Palace romantic getaway weekend

does come with a lot of extras‐‐

Complimentary bottle of champagne, candlelight dinner, black satin sheets.

Tell him about the coloring books. Tell him about the coloring books.

Okay, great. Yeah, I'll go ahead and enter your reservation. All right, thank you.

Woo! I can't believe this, Rose.

We're almost booked solid.

Oh, I know you should trust my instincts more often.

Yeah but how did you know that this romantic getaway was gonna be so popular?

I remembered something my minister told me when I was little girl.

What's that?

He said, "Moses parting the red sea

"is a nice story,

but Mary Magdalene really packs a pew."

‐What does that mean? ‐Sex sells, baby.

Hey, Sophia, where does this thing go?

Over there.

To be honest, this is why everybody's coming.

Getting Doctor Ursula to give us one of her lecture weekends was a real coup.

Really? I'll have to take your word for it, I've never even heard of her before this.

Of course you have. She's the love doctor.

She's on all the talk shows.

She writes all those controversial books on sex.

I think Doctor Ursula is great.

I just took one of her books out the library last week.

It's called

New Sexual Positions for the Senior Citizen.

And?

Art Linkletter will be selling a lot

of adjustable beds this year.

Well, this sounds awesome. I'm there.

I haven't told you but I've been having some problems

with my sexual partners lately.

‐Such as? ‐I don't have any.

Well, Sophia, don't give up hope all you have to do

is find a man you're sexually compatible with.

Stop looking at me.

There used to be a time when everybody down at the senior center

would ask me to dance.

I didn't know you like to dance?

Oh please, I love disco night at the center‐‐

The music, the mingling.

I'm not crazy about the strobe lights,

but it does make us look like we're moving.

Well, why doesn't anybody ask you to dance anymore?

I think I've lost my sex appeal.

I said, I think I've lost my sex appeal.

‐all: Oh, no. ‐Chuy: Oh, no. You still got it baby. You're a hot babe.

You're just being condescending to an old lady,

but I'm a person, damn it.

If you prick me, do I not bleed...

Eventually?

Blanche: Well, you're not gonna believe who left a message on my answering service‐‐

‐Taylor Michaels. He's coming to town. ‐Roland: Who?

Taylor Michaels. I told you all about him.

We went to college together.

I wanted him in the worst way.

Only unfortunately, so did my roommate, Lauren.

We fought tooth and nail over him.

Yeah, but you won, right, Blanche?

‐Right, Blanche? ‐(softly) No. She did.

I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. What?

She got her butt kicked.

I lost, all right? Is that what you wanted to hear, that one time in her life

Blanche Devereaux lost a man to another woman? Are you happy?

I have no heroes left!

No, no, no. Shh.

Aw, it fine.

Hello.

Hello. May I help you?

Uh, yes. I'd like a room, please.

All righty.

I have one with a beautiful ocean view.

Well, if it's half as beautiful as the view in front of me right now,

I think that would be uh, perfect.

(chuckles)

Oh, wait. Do you mean me or the mail slots?

No, no, no. You, of course.

Oh, goody. (chuckles)

Blanche? Blanche Hollingsworth?

It's me. Taylor Michaels.

Oh, Taylor!

Oh, I do not believe this! (gasp)

Just look at you. Would you just look at him?

I'm looking, I'm looking.

Oh! You look exactly the same.

I know.

And you, I could just eat you with a spoon.

Rose, go get me a spoon.

Rose? Oh, is that what this delightful young lady's name is?

Oh yes, I'm sorry, Taylor.

This is my business associate Rose Nylund.

Rose. What a beautiful name.

You should see the flower.

So Taylor, how'd you 'find me?

Well, I read that you bought this hotel in our hometown newspaper.

Since I had to be in Miami anyway for the Hague Convention.

I thought, why don't I just stay here,

And I'm glad I did.

Oh, goody. (chuckles)

So Taylor, do you have any plans while you're in town?

Well, I hope so.

(Blanche chuckles)

Uh, Rose, would you like to have dinner with me tonight?

Yes.

I mean... I'll have to check my schedule first.

Excuse us for a moment.

Blanche, I really like him,

but I know he's an old friend of yours,

and I won't go if you don't want me too.

Oh, honey, don't be ridiculous.

I'll have a lot of time to be with Taylor.

You go on and enjoy this one‐time‐only event.

Only I guess I should warn you. He does raise prize pigs.

So you might have to sit through endless pig stories.

You don't have to sell me. I already said yes.

Well, I signed up for the love doctor's class. I can't wait to go.

I thought that thing was couples only?

(chuckles) You forget that.

I've seen that look in your eye before.

That's the same look you had when you asked me to fix your shower.

What was wrong with that?

You were using it at the time.

I can't believe you're still whining about that?

I had a shower cap on.

It wasn't enough.

Look, I really don't want to go to this class with you.

I think that people's personal lives should be a private manner.

I noticed.

I tried asking you about your last date,

you refused to talk about it.

You asked me if I got any.

Well, did you?

Come on, tell me what's going on with you. I really am interested.

All right, look. The last few women that I've dated,

after we started to get close I don't know, we just couldn't relate.

I guess it all began‐‐

I'm sorry. I hate to interrupt,

but as it turns out, I'm not that interested.

But maybe the love doctor is.

Of course... Couples only.

All right, Sophia, I'll go.

Hot damn!

Roland, have you seen Rose?

Uh, she's still not back with Taylor yet.

What‐‐ Even they've been gone all this time?

What could they possibly have to talk about besides pigs?

Chickens, chickens, chickens.

Well, it looks like somebody had a good time.

Are you kidding? We had a great time.

Not only that he's taking me to the landing tomorrow,

you know that new restaurant.

That is, if you don't mind.

Mind? Why would I mind? If my old friend and my even older roommate...

Are interested in each other, who could be happier than me?

Thank you, Blanche. (chuckles)

Wow, Blanche. That's really a great thing you just did,

you know, stepping aside like that.

You realize this means war.

I'm sorry about the inconvenience, sir.

Uh, the maid should've stocked your bathroom.

We'll send somebody up right away. All right.

Well, we're off to dinner.

Wait, Rose. Wait.

Did you forget the toilet paper?

It's a nice restaurant. I'm sure they'll have some.

But I guess better safe than sorry.

No, no, Rose. Wait.

We've been getting a lot of complaints.

Nobody on the second floor has gotten their towels,

or their toilet paper, or their soap.

I did all those rooms hours ago. There must be some mistake.

(telephone rings)

Well, would you mind checking into it, please?

But, that will take an hour. We'll lose our reservations.

No, no, no, that's all right. I'll wait here.

We'll go somewhere else later.

"The love doctor. Couples only."

Yeah. I'm going with Sophia.

Okay, Taylor, let's go.

I just ran into Rose she doesn't want

those reservations to go to waste

so she asked me to go in her place.

‐But she said‐‐ ‐No buts.

This is what Rose wants. Come on let's go.

(telephone rings)

Front desk.

Yes, sir, she's on her way up right now.

I'm sorry about the inconvenience. All right.

Roland, I need the key to the supply closet.

Where's Taylor?

He just left with Blanche they went to dinner.

She said you didn't want those reservations wasted.

But I never talked to Blanche.

Will you look at all the toilet paper I found in the freezer.

How many times do I have to I tell Blanche,

"Please don't freeze the Charmin"?

Chuy.

I mean, whose gonna want to use frozen toilet paper?

At my age, any thrill will do.

Sorry about this, Rose.

Oh, I'm fine.

I mean, if Blanche needs to spend time with Taylor,

I understand. I'm her closest friend.

You're gonna get even, aren't you?

Norwegian people don't get even.

I thought you were Swedish.

I am.

Come on Roland, we have to do this.

‐Forget it, Sophia. ‐What's going on?

Man, in order to go to this love doctor seminar,

we have to fill out this questionnaire about

our sexual compatibility with our partner.

And I told you Sophia, I'll go with you, but I'm not your partner.

Come on, man, you're hurting Sofia's feelings, just fill out the questionnaire.

Oh, you think it's so easy why don't you try it.

Fine, I will.

Thank you Chuy. It's nice to know

someone around here still thinks of me as a woman.

Question number one.

Would you ever fantasize about someone else while making love with me?

Yes, absolutely without doubt, no question about it.

Good answer.

I'll put down, "Maybe."

Question number two.

When you watch me sleep

what is the first thing that comes to your mind?

God, I hope she wakes up.

Good answer.

Question number three. Would you ever leave me for an older woman?

I don't think so.

Unless of course there is one.

Well, that's it. We're done. See, Roland,

it was no big deal. You were acting like a baby for no reason.

You're right. Sophia, I'm sorry.

‐And oh, Chuy. ‐Uh, yeah. Sophia.

You're fired.

Blanche: Where's the fire?

Somebody paged me at the restaurant, said there was a big fire in the hotel kitchen.

Don't worry, Blanche. I was able to put that fire out

with all the cold toilet paper in the freezer.

I don't have the faintest idea what you're prattling on about.

You sabotaged my date.

Did you think I was too dumb to figure it out?

Frankly, yes.

Admit it. It's just driving you crazy that Taylor likes me better than you.

That's why you're being so competitive.

I don't need to be competitive with you. This is not some race.

Ladies.

What‐‐ is everything all right?

Oh, it was just a stupid false alarm, Taylor

that ruined a perfectly good evening.

But what do you say we try it again tomorrow night,

this time with no interruptions.

That won't be possible we've already made

plans to have dinner alone tomorrow night.

I'm sure Taylor would rather spend the evening with me.

I think Taylor can make his own decisions.

Well, I think Taylor ought to speak‐‐

Well, look, look, look, why don't all three of us have dinner

tomorrow night, here together?

Oh. That's a splendid suggestion.

Fine with me.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Well, I'm going to go to bed now.

Good night, ladies.

Aw, honey, I bet that hurt.

Good!

Roland: Aw, man.

I'm really uncomfortable about this, Sophia.

Look at this, everybody's staring at us.

No, they're not.

What, you've never seen a May‐December,

Afro‐American‐Italian relationship before?

Hello, everybody. I'm Doctor Ursula,

otherwise known as the love doctor,

and today you're going to learn

how to open up and share with your partner.

So let's get started by getting one of our couples

up here into the love circle and we'll help them resolve some of their problem areas.

Who wants to be first?

Put your hand down. Stop it.

‐This looks like fertile ground. ‐(Roland chuckles)

We don't have a problem.

Yes, we do. Help us, Doctor Love.

‐Sign here. ‐What's this?

It's a release form. You two are definitely in my next brochure.

All right if you'll just come up here in the love circle, please.

No, no, no. Over here, please.

Thank you. Well, then...

What's your problem, sweetheart?

I want sex.

Well, that seems like a simple enough request.

Then you do it.

Well in this class, we're actually less interested in sex and more interested in love.

And one of the ways to express love

is through touching exercises.

No touching.

You see what I have to put up with?

Now, I want you to take each other by the hands.

Now look deeply into your partner's eyes.

And say, "Hello, lover."

Hello, lover.

Roland's not getting out of the love circle until he says this.

Hell‐‐

(clears throat)

Hell‐l‐‐

Hell will freeze over before I say "Hello, lover" to this woman.

Roland.

Look, I'm sorry, I just can't say‐‐

It's not Sophia, it's me. I'm sorry.

Roland, the first step in overcoming your fear of intimacy

is being able to say "I love you" to anyone,

so try telling Sophia, you love her.

I lo‐‐

Just try, Roland.

I love you, Sophia.

‐(Ursula gasp) ‐everyone: Aww...

Very good, Roland. A big step for you.

All right, yeah, that wasn't so bad maybe that did help.

Now then, Sophia, what's your problem?

I don't have a problem.

I just wanted to get the kid in here so he could work out his problem.

You did all this for me?

Well, not just for you I still want somebody to dance with.

Well, still that was very nice of you, Sophia.

You must really care for Roland.

He's all right.

"all right"?

‐I like him. ‐"like him"?

What the hell‐‐ I love you, Roland.

Aww.

Come on, you little sea monkey. I'm taking you dancing.

We're so happy.

Big success. Big success.

And that's where I found out

what "Pig in the blanket" really meant.

(Rose laughs)

Oh, Taylor, you have to stop.

My stomach hurts from laughing so hard.

Rose, would you push your chair back?

All that jiggling is causing our coffee to spill.

Uh, if you ladies will excuse me,

I have to go to the little boys' room.

Oh, but hurry back and then maybe the two of us could go up to my room.

I have a delicious after‐dinner treat waiting there for you.

Are you sure there's any of that left, Blanche?

You have been giving out a lot of samples lately.

Excuse me. I'll be back in a second.

Why don't you just leap across the table into his lap?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I haven't been flirting with him all night.

Blanche, you offered to open his baked potato with your tongue.

Like you're any better, little miss‐‐

Oh, I dropped my corn on the cob right down my cleavage.

Can somebody help me get it out?

You're just mad 'cause the only thing you can fit in your cleavage is a peanut

Oh, that does it. Oh, the gloves are off.

Let's just see how smug you are when he leaves here with me.

Sorry about that. Did I miss anything?

Oh, well, Rose and I were just playing a little game.

Taylor, if you were all alone on a desert island

and you could have either Rose or me for companionship,

Who would you choose?

Oh, gosh. I don't know.

It's a desert island.

You'll have no one else to look at, no one else to talk to.

Rose.

Now, see, it's a desert island.

There's nothing to do, so you'll probably be wanting to engage

in certain adult activities.

Now who would you choose?

Rose.

Look... It's a desert island.

The sun beats down with a harsh intensity.

Anybody with a fair, Swedish skin's gonna end up

looking like an old leather handbag before you know it. Now who would you choose?

Rose. I...

Blanche, I don't‐‐ What's going on here?

Nothing. Nothing's going on here.

Nothing has ever been going on here.

Not between you and me.

Not 40 years ago, not now, not ever!

For what it's worth, I would bring sunblock.

What's going on? Why should you care

if Taylor has a crush on me?

Because it's just history repeating itself, Rose.

It's just like in college with Lauren.

Taylor prefers you over me

for some incomprehensible reason,

he wants you and not me, and I can't handle it.

Don't you see if I can't attract a man, what's the point?

Blanche, you can't base your self‐worth

on whether men find you attractive or not.

I most certainly can. Doesn't every woman?

No! Gosh, if I did that, well...

Actually, right now I'd be flying pretty high.

The truth is, when it comes to men,

you just can't control yourself.

That's not true.

How many good women friends have you driven away with your competitiveness?

All of them.

My God, you're right. All of them, Rose.

I mean, after all these years, I should be more important to you than Taylor.

Aw, honey... You are.

Oh, your friendship's the most important thing in my life.

Oh... Oh, I've been so foolish.

Oh, but I tell you what I'm going to do‐‐

From now on, I swear, Rose Nylund,

no man is ever come between us again.

Prove it.

‐What? ‐Prove it.

I want you to sit there

while I go through that door to Taylor.

Do you think you can do it?

Yeah, I think so.

Okay.

I'm going.

I'm walking toward the door.

My hand is reaching for the door.

I've made contact.

I'm pushing.

I stubbed my toe.

The pain is flooding through my body.

Big piggy is starting to throb.

Would you just get through the damn door already?

I'm through the damn door.

I did it.

I did it.

I chose a female friendship over a relationship with a man.

So this is what it feels like to be

totally, completely selfless.

Feels a lot like... Appendicitis. Ooh.

She's back.

Go away!

Blanche: Look it's a desert island.