Original subtitles

♪ Ooh‐ooh‐ooh

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Travel down the road And back again ♪

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal And a confidante ♪

♪ And if you threw A party ♪

♪ Invited everyone You knew ♪

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift Would be from me ♪

♪ And the card attached Would say ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

(mellow music playing)

‐Hey, shorty. ‐Hey, wrinkly.

Need help with your homework?

Kind of.

I'm studying the technical names

for all the body parts.

I can't figure out what this thing is.

That's a throat bone.

There's no bone in the throat.

There isn't?

Hey, I'm choking. (coughs)

Sophia!

Hey, Roland.

Can you help me with my homework?

Yeah, kid, setup in the office. I'll be right there.

Oh, Roland, you don't have to be here. I gave you the night off.

No, I kind of want to stay in for Oliver.

It's okay, I don't mind. I'm a workaholic.

Oh, my god! He's been drinking workahol?

(coughing)

You okay?

I've been floating around the ceiling

dead for three minutes,

but thanks for asking.

By the way, God said hi.

Rose, don't you think it's kind of strange

that Roland hasn't taken one night off

since we've been here?

And I know why.

He's lonely.

He hasn't been dating.

He has no love in his life.

I should know. I'm the expert on love.

Oh, please, get real!

You've had what, three men in the last 40 years?

I had that many between the Kennedy and Oswald assassinations.

Yeah, and how many of that faceless horde say, "I love you"?

Honey, if I touch them in the right place,

I can get them to say, "It's howdy doody time."

Well, I still say Roland needs a girl,

and I'm the one to find her, not you.

Well, let's not make this into a contest, Rose.

Why not? Chicken?

No!

You afraid I know more about men than you do?

No. I just don't think we ought to meddle.

(clucking)

Don't you dare cluck at me, Rose Nylund.

Look, I would accept your challenge,

but it just wouldn't be fair.

And even if you did, you'd both lose.

I think there's a simple reason

Roland doesn't date women.

Why?

Because they're not men.

Oh, you don't mean...

Please, I haven't seen a flame that big

since I went to Arlington Cemetery.

(clears throat)

Terrible!

To make a good marinara sauce

you have to simmer it at least 24 hours.

That's clam chowder.

Perfect.

‐Where did I put my glasses? ‐(door opens)

Hey, everybody, listen, the TV station called,

and they want our chef to do a cooking segment

on Good Morning, Miami.

(exclaiming)

All right, I'll do it, but this is the last time.

Oh, please, we have great a chance to promote the hotel on television,

and I'm going to let you go on

and blurt something out?

What do you mean, "Blurt something out,"

you Sealy Posturepedic with a face?

Look, Sophia,

I know that you're a better chef...

but I have TV experience.

‐Really? ‐Oh, yeah. Super Bowl XXI.

That was me behind Brent Musburger, remember?

You know, it's a tough choice, but I think Chuy should go.

Sophia, don't take it personally.

It's just that Chuy...

Well, honey, Chuy can see.

Keep talking, Blanche.

Keep talking, 'cause I'm zoning in.

Keep talking, Blanche.

She went this way.

Roland, shouldn't you be out on the desk?

Yeah. Back to work.

(laughs) Well, that's the last time Roland will be single,

because in about five minutes,

a beautiful woman is going to walk into his life.

And I'll win the bet, and you'll be the loser!

Now wait a minute!

I thought we decided we weren't going through

with that silly competition.

Part of the secret of winning

is knowing the game has begun.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have to go meet the future Mrs. Roland Wilson out front.

No fair! No fair!

(mockingly) "No fair! No fair!"

The mating call of the loser.

Rose Nylund is not going to beat me at matchmaking.

Now where can I find some delicate young creature

that would appeal to Roland?

Delivery.

Do you have a minute to meet a gorgeous man?

Well, can I freshen up first?

Oh, sure.

I'm fresh.

Fix your hair. Fix your hair.

Wet your lips.

No, Sir, the Golden Palace doesn't offer that service.

No, if you leave your shoes outside your room,

they won't be shined, they'll be gone.

Roland?

Yeah, Bla‐‐ (startles)

Roland, this is a friend of mine

that I just think you're really going to like.

This is your friend? What's her name?

Roy.

Actually, this isn't my smock.

That's enough, Roy.

I just feel like you two

are really gonna be able to make a go of it.

Uh, could... could you excuse us?

Blanche, this woman is covered in meat stains.

She's scaring away the guests.

Now, look, I'm sure she's a nice person,

and really, it's not her...

It's the blood and the hook.

Stop it.

Why are you resisting this?

You're both so similar.

Similar? In what way?

Well, you're both...

you know, you both have...

Well, you know, you're both...

We're both black. Right? Black?

(gasps) Hey, you know what?

Blanche!

Oh, all right!

I don't know a lot of black people, okay?

Besides, this is just to tide you over.

I'm still looking.

Sorry, Roy.

You know how men are.

No, I don't.

Blanche, you make me sick.

Fixing him up because of his skin color.

I've got someone coming who's gonna like Roland for Roland.

Oh, there you are, Mr. Ricchuitti.

How do you like your room?

Oh, it's exquisite. Thank you, very much.

Now where's this, uh, tasty little slim‐jim

you've been filling my ears with?

I'm with her.

Sophia! How could you?

He's a guest.

I'm bringing him in as an expert.

He'll ask a few questions, we'll get an answer.

Potpourri?

No. Thank you.

Straight, no chaser.

Now you see that, Blanche? I don't need your help with my personal life.

Now I don't want you meddling any more,

and I don't want to meet any of your friends.

Roland, this is Joanne.

So, this is the last time I'm going to do this for you.

Hi, I'm Roland Wilson, raging heterosexual.

So nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet you.

‐Ah! I win! ‐Oh!

Roland wins. It's a win‐win situation.

Aw, except for you, Blanche.

You lose. (laughing)

I will not be beaten by that woman.

Oh, she makes me so mad.

Don't sweat it.

Between you and me, that date won't work out.

I think Roland's still hung up on Trisha.

Trisha who?

Trisha Waters.

She's Roland's old girlfriend.

I've seen pictures of her.

She's really pretty.

Oh...why did they break up?

I don't know, I guess because she moved back to Atlanta.

Atlanta, huh? (chuckles)

Well, I don't think this contest is quite over yet.

Chuy, this is the third complaint today.

Table number five says the soup is too salty.

But I didn't put any salt in it.

Well, I hope you get it together before Good Morning, Miami.

I don't want you embarrassing yourself on TV.

I never get complaints like this. Man, this is weird.

Hey!

What did you just do?

Nothing.

You just put that whole box of sugar in the soup.

Oh, I did not.

You've been trying to ruin my food, huh?

You want to make me look bad so you can go on TV.

That...really hurts me.

I'm a wounded bird.

I'm sorry, Sophia.

I was acting, you idiot.

I was born to be on TV.

Chuy, I just did the most wonderful thing.

You can't tell anybody.

What, Blanche?

I went through Roland's phone book

and found the phone number

of his old girlfriend, Trisha.

I sent her a ticket, and she'll be here soon.

Isn't t that wonderful?

Yes, it is. By the way,

you must promise never to do anything wonderful for me, okay?

So, Roland, how was your lunch with Joanne?

Oh, it was great, incredible.

This girl is great.

‐Really? ‐Yeah.

Yeah, I just didn't think she was quite right for you.

Of course, I don't know

any other women you've gone out with.

But isn't there anyone you just can't seem to forget?

You know, only one, actually, Trisha.

‐Trisha? ‐Yeah.

God! What a miserable experience that was.

Why? Wasn't she pretty?

Oh, yeah, she was beautiful,

but she just suffocated me.

I mean, she was so possessive and clinging.

She always had to have her hands on me.

And you know, she had this game called "Mr. Walking Fingers."

I can't talk about this, Blanche.

Roland?

Maybe, maybe, she just loved you.

No, no, she didn't love me.

(mockingly) She wowed me.

She wowed a wittle Woland.

Oh, god! What a nightmare!

How'd you get rid of her?

I told her a widdle wie.

Roland, I need to talk to you now.

‐I'm on the phone. ‐Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, Joanne. I had a great time at lunch, too.

It'll just take a minute.

Uh‐huh. I'm going to look forward to that.

Okay, I'll talk to you later. Bye.

Boy, this girl is terrific!

I have to tell you something.

I know, I was upset before when you guys tried to set me up,

but Joanne is great.

Well, love is my field of expertise.

Man, you know, for the first time in a long time,

my life is finally coming together.

Hewo, wover.

Guess who?

Please, God, tell me it's Elmer Fudd.

Oh, Roland.

I was just stunned when I got your telegram.

And you didn't need to send the plane ticket.

I would have been more than happy to pay for it myself.

Now you tell me.

What?

Now you tell me her name.

See, this is where you introduce us.

Oh, uh, Blanche, this is Trisha.

She's an old...friend.

Oh, well, Trisha.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Actually, Roland isn't quite telling the truth.

See, I'm more than just an old friend.

I'm an old girlfriend.

We used to date.

Right up until the time he entered the priesthood.

Priesthood?

Yes, uh, Trisha was the last girl I dated

before I tried my hand at...priesting.

Well, thanks for stopping by.

There you go again with the funny phrases of yours.

Well, why don't we just give you the key to 301.

Oh, thanks.

‐I wove you. ‐Yeah.

Take care.

I'll be thinking of you.

Okay.

Will you be thinking of me?

Oh, yeah.

I can't believe this.

Trisha has called down 25 times today.

I tell her I'm busy, but she just won't leave me alone,

and look at this. She had a pot roast delivered.

God only knows what this means.

Oh, wait, this is from Roy.

Two terrific women to choose from,

but I still cast my vote for Trisha.

Haven't you heard a word I've said, Blanche?

I don't want Trisha.

I can't keep running from her.

Look, you guys probably don't want to talk about my personal life.

Yes, we do. Sit down.

(clears throat) Sort of like bleeding in the shark tank, man.

Look, I know what you guys do.

You eat your cheesecake and you tell your stories,

but who's going to have a story about being madly pursued?

‐I do. ‐Oh, I have one.

Swim, man! Swim for your life!

Why don't I begin?

Because we hate that southern crap!

The moonshine, the mosquitoes, the inbreeding.

Please, I get pregnant just listening to that stuff.

Would you prefer to sit here and listen to Rose ramble on

about tap‐dancing chickens?

And her recipes

for yergen flergen bergen gergen flergen?

(laughs) You pronounce it just like a tourist.

Besides, what would you rather hear?

"picture it, Sicily?"

Well, in seven years, I've never been able to picture Sicily.

So, either, bring in a photograph, or shut up.

Look, you guys, I really shouldn't have brought this up, okay?

It's my problem. I'll deal with it.

Oh, okay, okay, I'll skip the story.

Although you should know

that mine resulted in a bare‐chested brawl

and involved a man named Jerry Lee Lewis.

Mine had Enzo Ferrari.

Mayor McCheese.

Can I just ask you a simple question?

Why'd you lie to her?

Come on, Blanche. You've met her.

I mean, she just cares about me so much,

I didn't think that she could take the rejection.

I'm just going to have to figure out some way to get rid of her.

But this is my problem, I'll deal with it,

but, you know, thanks for talking, for being friends.

I just wish I knew what sick, twisted mind

could concoct such a hurtful scheme.

(clears throat) Maybe one of your friends could help you.

Roland, there's something I want to say, friend.

Well, what is it, pal?

I'm the one who sent for her, buddy.

You did what, dead woman?

Yeah, I sent for Trisha.

I guess, I just got competitive with Rose, and I‐‐

Lost! You lost, and I won!

I kicked your rump!

That's enough, you chucklehead.

I just wanted to make you happy.

How, by reuniting me with the woman I can't stand?

Yeah, I know it doesn't look very good right now,

but, see, love is my field of expertise.

Yeah, well, as far as I'm concerned, Blanche,

you really crossed the line this time.

(telephone rings)

Aren't you going to answer it?

‐What? ‐The phone... phone's ringing.

I know the phone's ringing. It's been ringing all day. I'm not deaf.

Yeah, I'm not deaf, either.

Golden palace.

Certainly.

Uh, for how many nights would that be?

Sophia, the phone stopped ringing.

I suppose this will go down

on my permanent record.

Look, that was Trisha's room, Blanche.

I just can't talk to her.

And you know what, I shouldn't be talking to you, either.

Roland, I know you're upset,

but we can't afford to lose business.

Now, if you're not going to get the phone, then let Sophia get it.

Golden palace.

No ring that time, either, Sophia.

A little joke to relieve the tension. (laughs)

Why here you are.

"Meet me at the airport."

What a joker.

(laughs hesitantly)

So, what do you want to do today?

I can't do anything today. I've got to work, Trisha.

Well, baby, I thought you wanted to see me.

I mean, isn't that why you sent for me?

You just don't get it, do you?

Get it? What do you mean, get it? No, I don't get it.

I'm not getting it, either.

Let it ring.

Look, we need to talk.

Let's just go in the other room. Okay?

Roland. Roland.

What are you going to tell her?

Any suggestions?

Oh, no, wait, you've gone way too far out of your way

to help me already.

Why don't you just tell her the truth? She's not a child.

I can't. It'll hurt her too much.

Well, it'll hurt her either way.

I mean, just be honest.

Deep down, everybody wants to hear the truth.

She'll thank you for it later.

You didn't thank me when I told you

you looked like a cheese blintz in a wig.

Trish? Just...

Look... (clears throat)

This is, uh, very difficult for me,

but if we don't have honesty in this friendship,

then we don't have anything at all,

so, please understand, what I'm about to tell you

is the truth, and nothing but.

My mother was kidnapped by Afghani rebels,

and I must go to her.

Again?

Trish, I was never a priest.

I never even left Florida.

Roland, I've always known.

I knew you were lying when you came up with that ridiculous story.

Which one?

All of them.

I'm not an idiot.

Then why did you even waste your time coming back down here?

Because when I got your telegram,

I thought you wanted to see me.

And I wanted to take one more shot

at making this work.

There's so many good things we had.

So many good times we had together.

Remember?

Mr. Walking fingers climbing up Roland mountain.

Stop it! Stop it!

No.

Look, you stop it.

Trish, I didn't send you that telegram.

Blanche did.

I'm sorry.

I just... I don't love you.

You don't love me?

No, I‐I don't.

Can I ask why?

Well, there's never just one reason

why somebody doesn't love somebody,

but if I had to pick one...

I guess it's 'cause you suffocate me.

I do?

Look...I'm sure that there's some guy out there

who really wants a beautiful woman

to love him the way that you love me.

But that just can't be me.

I'm sorry.

Well...

at least you were finally honest with me.

You know why I was so hung up on you all this time?

No, why?

Because you were the first guy

who didn't seem to be interested in me

just because of my enormous inheritance.

Chuy, how did the TV taping go?

Oh, man, I was on fire.

I sizzled. I sauteed. I baked. I browned.

Then I figured I might as well

get off the beach and go do the show.

Well, how did it go?

Oh, great, once I got into the studio.

Is Sophia still picketing?

Yeah. Man, that old lady can work a bullhorn.

Roland, listen, we've been talking

and we both realize that we owe you a little apology.

Oh, well, thanks.

The whole thing started because we were worried about you.

We thought you were working too hard.

Well, do you know why I'm working so hard?

I'm trying to teach you three ladies the hotel business.

I mean, you guys are new at this.

I can't trust you alone with the hotel yet.

We're not going to do anything

to hurt our own business.

Boy, it's hot out there.

Do you mind if I picket around the desk?

Roland, I think it's really sweet

that you worry about us,

but, honey, you have to understand,

now, we worry about you, too.

We can't help it.

You're family now.

You consider me family? Come on.

For heaven's sake, we work together, we live together.

You're like a son to us.

We were worried you weren't getting any.

Well, I'm really fond of you guys, too,

but in the future, please don't go

messing around in my love life.

I mean, I'm capable of handling that myself.

You know, this matchmaking thing, it just doesn't work.

Ready to go for lunch, Rol?

Okay, this time you got lucky.

So, Roland's going out with Joanne, huh?

I'd say our score is chuckleheads, one, tramps, nothing.

Hey. Are you guys sure you're going to be okay here without me?

Go ahead. We're capable

of running this hotel.

(ding)

Golden palace.

Workers, unite!

We won't let management intimidate us.

We must get out from under the heel of ownership.

Sophia, you are one of the owners.

Everybody, back to work!