Original subtitles

♪ Ooh‐ooh‐ooh

♪ Thank you For being a friend ♪

♪ Travel down the road And back again ♪

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal And a confidante ♪

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift Would be from me ♪

♪ And the card attached Would say ♪

♪ Thank you For being a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For being a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For being a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For being a friend ♪

Hey, Sophia, isn't that sauce ready?

It's coming, it's coming.

My God, I haven't cooked this much

since I worked in Mussolini's kitchen during World War...

...since the Feldman wedding.

Okay, man. I'm ready to help.

Uh, okay. Oh, yeah.

Stick your hand in one of those chickens,

and pull out the giblets.

(laughs)

Man, get out of here. (chuckles)

I mean it, man. Stick your hand in there, come on.

I'm not sticking my hand in there.

Roland, I told you I needed help in the kitchen, man.

You're the one that volunteered.

What are you afraid of?

Everything that's in there.

Look, there's three things I don't do.

Number one, I don't squish bugs.

Number two, I don't answer guys in the bathroom when they ask,

"Hey, does this look normal to you?"

And number three, I don't stick my hand in dead chickens.

What do you mean, you don't squish bugs?

I don't. I "shoo" them.

(chuckles) You "shoo" them?

Hey, I just shoed one, too.

Let me understand this.

If you saw a little spider,

you wouldn't just squish it and flush it down the toilet?

‐Mmm‐mmm. ‐Oh, man, you're crazy.

‐I'm crazy? ‐Ah.

‐Really? Okay. ‐Yeah.

Let's say that you squish this spider

and then you flush him down the toilet.

But what if he's not really squished?

And when you close your eyes and flush him down the toilet,

he hides on the side of the bowl...

You know? Healing from this partial squish.

And then, one night, when it's dark...

and he's strong...

you sit down...

and when you are most vulnerable, he gets you!

‐So? ‐So then you're standing in the bathroom asking some guy,

"Hey, does this look normal to you?"

(phone rings)

Front desk.

Oh, yes, Mr. Burrows.

Yes, I know there are supposed to be

eight chicken fingers in an order.

I'm sorry you've only got seven.

Well, my God! Since you lawyers got here,

all you've done is threaten to sue.

No. No, no, no.

It will be my pleasure to give you the finger.

Bye.

Oliver, run and take a chicken finger up to 215.

Gotcha.

I hope we never have a convention

of personal injury lawyers again.

‐They're driving everybody crazy. ‐Oh!

Thank goodness they're leaving on the 6th.

Uh‐uh, they check out on the 9th.

No, the 6th.

I wrote it right here in my "Scenes from St. Olaf" calendar.

Isn't that a wonderful picture of the salmon swimming downstream?

Rose, salmon swim upstream.

Oh, dear! They are checking out on the 9th.

(chuckles)

And look how horny the fish look this way.

Well, we have a problem.

I just took a reservation from a group of judges from Jacksonville.

They arrive on the 8th.

Oh, honey, the hotel is sold out.

Why, Chuy's been screaming that he needs more help in the kitchen.

If those judges come, we'll be overbooked.

Well, it's just for one night.

There must be something we can do.

Rose, we cannot check in one more person.

We don't have any rooms.

Hello. I understand you're looking for help in the kitchen.

Uh, here is my resume. I am a chef.

Uh‐huh.

Well... You're very well qualified.

Why don't you just go right through there to the kitchen.

Tell Chuy that Blanche said you'll start immediately.

Ah.

You know, when you hold the calendar this way,

it's a herd of live cows.

Uh, Blanche at the desk said I should come in here to work.

Welcome aboard.

Stick your hand in a chicken.

Get out of here, man!

Get out of here before I cut your ears off!

Hey, wait, you guys know each other?

Yeah. I caught him in bed with my wife.

You sure it's his ears you want to cut off?

Go on, get out of here, man.

Get out of here!

‐Hey, Chuy‐‐ ‐Hey, I'll take care of this, okay?

Hey, come on, man. Why do you think I came here? I just wanna talk to you.

Oh, sure. Let's talk, man.

What've you been doing since I found you in my bed with my wife under my binky?

I mean my blanket.

Binky is Spanish for blanket.

So, look, just get of here. 'Cause you're not working in my kitchen, man.

Whoa, hey! Sorry, pal. But the lady out front gave me a job.

I mean, you can't fire me just because you don't like me.

‐Oh, yes, I can! ‐No, you can't!

No, I thought this whole thing out before I came here.

And if you fire me, that's called, uh,

firing somebody without cause.

You can't do that anymore.

So, what are you gonna do? Sue me? Huh?

Where are you gonna find a lawyer to take a case like that?

‐Oh, my goodness. ‐What's the matter?

Oh, it's from the insurance company.

It's the check I sent them and our policy, both marked canceled.

I knew it. They canceled our liability insurance.

Now, why would they do that?

Remember when Rose covered the pool before everybody was out of it?

Yeah.

Well, apparently, this guy's still having bad dreams.

The insurance company settled with him out of court,

and, now, they're not gonna renew our policy.

As far as I'm concerned, we ought to be the ones suing.

We're the ones that had to repaint the side of the pool to get out those scratch marks.

Look, Blanche, all I'm saying is we gotta be careful.

I mean, without liability insurance, if we lose a court case,

we could lose everything.

Okay, let's go, let's go.

Oh, listen, honey, I do hope you called those judges

to tell 'em we don't have any room.

I think I figured out how we can fit the judges and the lawyers

and keep everybody happy.

Really? What's your plan?

Oh, it's not really my plan.

It's a plan that was devised in St. Olaf

during the big monkey trial of 1945.

The big monkey trial?

Oh, yes. And it's a good thing we were able to find

a jury of his peers,

or we would have convicted the wrong big monkey.

Oh, that trial caused such a flap in St. Olaf.

It seems that Mrs. Ingovar's monkey

somehow got hold of a typewriter.

Anyway, he got a little lucky,

and he typed out a self‐help book called Healing the Monkey Within.

Of course, everybody wanted to see that trial.

I mean, we were sitting on each other's laps.

We had to double up.

And soon the verdict was read.

What happened to the monkey? Ow!

He was found guilty of intelligence.

So the townspeople shaved him.

It turned out okay, though,

because Mrs. Ingovar became rich

passing him off at carnivals as a man from Mars.

What's the point of all this?

Well, I guess the point is

if you want to make some money, shave your monkey.

How does it help us?

You really haven't been listening, have you?

We have to double up.

Now, if the three of us gals share a room,

and if Roland and Chuy and Oliver share a room,

we'll only have to have one judge and one lawyer share a room.

‐Fine! Do it! ‐Ahh!

Hey, Blanche, wait a minute.

I'm not gonna let you bring more guests into the hotel

when we don't have insurance.

Listen, we are finally making some money here.

We are booked up.

I‐I think it's worth the risk.

But don't you think this is a decision you should make with all your partners?

Oh, honey, I would never know how to track them all down.

Oh...

You mean my hotel partners?

Mmm‐hmm!

It's okay. I'm in charge.

Hey, you guys, can we get lunch going here or what?

He still won't talk to me.

Hey, would you talk to a man who had sex with your wife?

Chuy, I just wanna get the lunch served. I don't care what he does,

as long as he washes his hands afterwards.

Let me ask you.

If you found your best friend, someone you grew up with,

in bed with someone you love, wouldn't you be mad?

Well, I‐‐ It would depend on the circumstances.

Maybe they'd been to a dance.

And maybe they'd both had too much to drink.

Maybe he'd just said he was going to show me his appendix scar.

Stop judging me! Stop judging me!

Chuy, you and Dolores were already separated, man.

I knew how miserable you were feeling.

That's why I went over there to talk to her, man,

to explain to her what you were feeling.

Oh, that makes perfect sense.

You wanted to know what I was feeling,

so you started feeling my wife, huh?

No, man, it wasn't like that. It just happened.

So, what do you want, Rubin, huh?

You want my blessing? You want me to say you can have Dolores?

Well, go ahead! She's all yours.

I don't want to be with Dolores.

I want to be with you. You're the one I love.

Now here's a twist I wasn't expecting.

‐Come on, Blanche. Come on. Come on. ‐Wait, what?

I miss you, man.

Don't you miss us hanging out together?

I'm not forgiving you, man. I can't.

Come on. Chuy. Ever since we were six years old.

You remember when we met in Miss Hernandez' class?

I mean, you've been my best friend.

I still remember that day you walked in that room. (chuckles)

You had that great smile. You're always laughing.

You remember that day, man?

You stole my crayons.

‐What? ‐That's what I remember.

You stole my crayons.

First my crayons, now my wife.

Everything I ever loved to play with.

When am I going to learn you're a thief?

You've taken enough from me.

Oh, no, thank you.

Well, what are you so grumpy about?

The only insurance policy I can get us

isn't gonna protect us from anything,

and we're still overbooked, Blanche.

But Rose is still trying to talk that lawyer

into sharing a room with a judge.

Oh, come on. It'll be just like going to summer camp.

I remember meeting my new tent mate.

We had so much fun

playing "lose Rose in the forest..."

or "dump Rose in the middle of the lake."

And then, somehow I'd make it back,

and everybody would be singing Kumbaya.

Oh, what do you say?

Forget it.

We'll give you a free room.

There's a reason I can buy. Okay, I'll do it.

Oh. Let's see. You'll be sharing a room with a Mr. Angel.

That is, if it's all right with him.

(motorcycles revving)

I'm sorry, boys, but we're all booked up.

We have reservations.

We're the judges of Jacksonville.

I spoke with a woman named...Rose.

She's Rose.

Get rid of them.

Um...

Your Honors, uh...

Hi!

Listen, I made a mistake.

And we really don't have enough room.

Uh, I mean, if you stayed here,

you'd have to share a room with him.

And you wouldn't wanna do that.

Sounds like fun.

Oh, it wouldn't be, he's a lawyer.

Great!

I hate lawyers.

Well, okay, I'll need your full name, Mr. Angel.

Angel of Death.

Angel O'Death.

An Irish boy!

(chuckling) What a silly little mix‐up.

I guess, of course, you won't want to be staying with us tonight.

(chuckles) Oh, I'll stay,

But if anything happens to me, this hotel is mine.

Everybody ready for lights out?

Yep.

I don't know why I'm sleeping in the middle?

I like to get up during the night and drink some water.

Uh‐huh. Then you like to get up later in the night and let it out.

Only sometimes you don't get up.

Oh, I hope that lawyer and that biker are okay.

It's a shame how society has to kowtow to those hooligans,

those no‐goods who prey on decent people everywhere.

And the bikers are just as bad.

Well, I guess, we really don't have to worry.

I mean, even if that lawyer sues,

we're covered by our insurance policy.

(sighs) Girls...

I'm afraid we have to talk.

What's the matter, Blanche?

Oh, I wish there was some other way to tell you this.

We have no insurance policy.

What do you mean we have no insurance?

The insurance company canceled our policy,

and I'm having trouble getting us covered.

What does this mean, Blanche?

It means, if that lawyer should sue us,

or if Rubin should sue us,

if we have any kind of legal problems,

we're likely to lose everything.

When did work become so hard?

We have to worry about every little detail.

(sighs) Did the laundry deliver all the sheets?

Did I get all the keys back from the guests?

Did you check for swimmers before you covered the pool?

Exactly.

Excuse me.

(straining) ...forty‐seven, forty‐eight,

forty‐nine, fifty.

(breathing heavily)

‐Sit ups? ‐You bet.

Roland: (straining) One, two, three...

‐Hey, slow down. Slow down, man. ‐Roland: ...four...

five, six, seven...

eight!

Oh, no, thanks. I just did.

Man, what are you doing? I thought you said you wanted to pump up.

No, I said plump up.

Hey, besides, nobody trusts a skinny chef.

What are you talking about?

All the great chefs are porkers.

Prudhomme, Beard. What's that other dude's name?

Uh, Julia Child.

Guys, your tent's ready.

Hey, Oliver, why don't you sleep in the tent, man?

You can pretend like you're out in the woods,

‐get a little camp fire going. ‐Yeah.

I'm a city kid. I hate the woods.

There are bugs in the woods.

Oh, then I'm definitely not sleeping in the woods.

Look, wait a minute, you're just a kid,

and we're two big, strong men, and we're tired.

Now get in the tent.

I'll sleep in the tent.

‐Good night, everybody. ‐Good night.

(sighs) How can I forgive Rubin, man? He slept with Dolores.

‐(sighs) ‐I know, man.

No argument here. It was wrong, totally indefensible.

But carrying around all this anger is killing you, man.

And it's changing you too. I miss the old Chuy.

‐Look, Ruben was my best friend. ‐Yeah.

It just hurts too much.

You just can't get that close to a man overnight.

Yes, you can, if you just try.

You're right. You cannot get that close to a man overnight.

(both singing) ♪ Kumbaya, my Lord

♪ Kumbaya

♪ Someone's singing, Lord

♪ Kumbaya

♪ Oh, Lord, Kumbaya

What in hell is that?

‐My feet. ‐They're freezing!

I know. So I figured I'd put them in the hottest place in Miami.

Not without dinner and a movie first.

It's not like I'm walking where no man's walked before.

Ooh, I just had my favorite abominable snowman dream.

I still feel chills.

Those are Sophia's feet.

Hi.

Well, move 'em, lady!

Sorry I woke you.

I wasn't really asleep.

I was just lying here, thinking.

You know, in my wildest dreams,

I didn't think the hotel business was going to be this hard.

Well, actually, in my wildest dreams,

I'm carried off to the jungle

by a gorgeous man in a leopard skin loincloth.

I haven't worked this hard since I was a little girl

on my father's dirt farm back in Sicily.

What did your father grow?

Dirt.

What are you doing, Rose?

Making a tent. Let's pretend we're in camp.

Oh, I'm just not in the mood, Rose.

I mean, how many more times in our lives

are we gonna get a chance to play camp?

‐Okay, Rose. ‐Hey! Okay, Rose.

Although it would be more fun if we had a boys camp across the lake

‐we could paddle to. ‐(Rose chuckles)

Don't worry. I have some great new scary stories for ya.

Oh, we're too old for scary stories.

This one is called, "The day Dorothy quit smoking."

‐Ohh! ‐Ohh!

(tattoo needle buzzes)

There, that wasn't so bad, was it?

I love it! "Born to litigate."

I need a shrimp salad... from the winner.

I'll get it.

You two still fighting?

Well, not too much longer.

This is my last night.

Aw, we're going to miss you.

You seem like a nice person, except for that

sleeping‐with‐ the‐best‐friend's‐wife thing.

♪ Kumbaya, Lord

♪ Kumbaya

So, you're gonna go, huh?

Why not? You're not gonna talk to me.

Look, Chuy...

I'm not perfect, man.

And I'm really sorry about what happened.

Look, man, for what it's worth.

Crayons?

Well, it's a start.

Look, uh, I'm gonna...

split.

Rubin?

Come here.

Look, I'm not doing this for you.

I'm doing this for the old Chuy.

You're forgiving him?

Oh, well, in my day,

if a man caught his wife in the embrace of another man,

he would never forgive him,

Not even for something as innocent

as a New Year's Eve kiss with an old friend of the family

I had known for years.

Stop judging me!

I'm not a tramp. I'm not a tramp!

‐I do hope you enjoyed your stay? ‐I did.

(sing‐song) And I hope you didn't find anything to sue us for.

Mrs. Devereaux, every lawyer I know

went to law school because they believe in the concept of justice.

We're not in this for the money. It's not about money.

(screaming)

‐Blanche: Oh, Rose! ‐Don't move!

Blanche: Are you all right?

‐Rose: I'm fine! ‐Blanche: Oh.

My card, if you decide to sue.

Sue? I won this place!

You can sue yourself. Are you incorporated?

We don't have any insurance.

‐Oh... ‐(tires screeching)

(car crashes, glass shatters)

‐If you'll excuse us. ‐Oh‐‐

Honey, are you okay?

I'm fine. I just don't know what happened.

Sorry about that, Rose.

I couldn't see you over the towel cart.

It was an accident.

Don't you wanna hear the rest of the monkey trial story?

No, Rose. Maybe next time we're upstairs.