Original subtitles

♪ Ooh‐ooh‐ooh

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Travel down the road And back again ♪

♪ Your heart is true ♪

♪ You're a pal And a confidante ♪

♪ And if you threw a party ♪

♪ Invited everyone you knew ♪

♪ You would see ♪

♪ The biggest gift Would be from me ♪

♪ And the card attached Would say ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

Boy, business stinks.

Just three tables all day,

and I've only made seven dollars in tips.

I need to make some money.

Maybe I should wear a shorter skirt.

Maybe you should just threaten to.

What silly little thing do you need money for now, Sophia?

Teeth.

Sorry.

Hey, but those teeth look just fine.

They're loaners.

So what happened to your teeth?

You may not know this,

but a lot of foreign beers don't have twist‐off tops.

Hey, Chuy, you got any old cans lying around?

Uh, yeah, there's some in the recycling bin. Why?

Well, I have to raise 50 bucks by Friday.

My class is going to Water World this weekend,

and it costs $25 to get in.

‐Oh. ‐Well then, why do you need $50?

‐Because. ‐Because why?

Because!

♪ Whoo, someone's Got a girlfriend ♪

(mimics kissing)

Hey, cut it out, okay?

She's a friend who happens to be a girl.

♪ Ooh, someone's Got a girlfriend ♪

(continues mimicking kissing)

Hey, stop it, you guys.

What's going on in here?

Nothing. Oliver's decided to raise some money

for a very worthy cause,

his new girlfriend. (mimics kissing)

All right. All right. All right.

Hey, is everybody busting your chops about this, kid,

‐making that "woo‐woo" sound? ‐Yeah.

Well, good. You won't mind when I do it.

Woo‐woo!

Hey, cut it out, you guys!

Oh, we'll talk about this later all right? Man to man.

‐All right, well, later. ‐All right.

Sophia, you wanna help me look for cans?

Sure, I got nothing better to live for.

You don't have to be sarcastic.

I wasn't trying to be.

Oh, God. I wasn't trying to be.

I'm so depressed, how am I supposed to go on?

I'll split the money with you.

All better.

Chuy, I need five dollars quick.

‐Well, okay. Here. ‐Oh, thanks.

Uh, what's the problem?

You know that women I was serving lunch to?

She doesn't have any money to pay her check.

Rose...

Now, I told you, you can't go helping every deadbeat who comes in here.

She's not a deadbeat.

Her name is Vivian, and she's very sweet.

She just happened to misplace her wallet, that's all.

In any event, you don't need money. This is our restaurant.

If you want to pick up somebody's check, you just sign for it.

I know that!

I'm not stupid.

This is my tip.

Oh, Roland,

um, I'm here, you know,

if you need any help talking to Oliver about dating.

Oh, yeah.

I guess it's about time

I had that little talk with him about...

You know.

Sex.

Oh, you can say it. It's not a dirty word.

Go ahead and say it.

(in creepy gruff voice) Sex.

Okay. When Chuy says it, it's a dirty word.

But still, we have to face the fact

that Oliver's growing up, and he needs the truth.

I know. I just hadn't anticipated this happening so soon.

I mean, just yesterday, I saw him in his room,

making animals with Rose's Play‐Doh fun factory.

And now, I got to tell him about...

(in creepy gruff voice) Sex.

Man, will you stop saying that?

Look, I gotta have this big talk about it. I just wish I knew what to tell him.

My mama told me that sex was a woman's duty.

(clicks tongue) That was the word she used.

"Duty." (inhales sharply)

And I guess I've been a proud little soldier ever since.

Soldier? You're a four‐star General.

I salute you.

Golden Palace.

No, sir. We don't serve Chinese food.

This is the Golden Palace Hotel,

You want the Golden Palace Restaurant.

Mm‐hmm.

Another call for that new Chinese restaurant?

Glad business is good for somebody.

Seven bucks in tips all day,

and then we get stiffed on the old lady's bill.

"Left my purse at home." Please!

I used that line when I was in my '70s.

Well, whoever this Vivian is, Rose sure does seem to like her.

Probably because she's been willing to listen

to St. Olaf stories for about an hour.

(telephone ringing)

Golden Palace.

No, we don't serve any Chinese food.

This is the Golden Palace Hotel. (scoffs)

You get a lot of those Chinese restaurant calls?

Yeah, at least 20 a day.

Really?

Twenty a day.

Ka‐ching!

So there we were,

just me and Inger Johansson on stage.

As the Mayor of St. Olaf,

Gunther...

picked up the megaphone

and announced

"This year's Miss Gouda Cheese is...

Rose Lindstrom."

Oh, Vivian, I don't think I've ever been happier

than when that band played that polka,

and they put that fragrant crown of Gouda on my head...

That is the most wonderful story

I can remember hearing in a long time.

May I say something?

I...You remind me in so many ways

of my mother.

We used to do this a lot.

You know, have lunches and just gossiping and telling stories.

I'd forgotten how much I missed those talks.

Well, if you'd like, why don't you just call me "mama"?

That's what everyone calls me anyway.

‐"Mama"? ‐Mm‐hmm.

All right. That's what I'll call you from now on.

Would you like more tea, Mama?

No, thank you, Charlene.

‐Who's Charlene? ‐Well, you are, silly.

Honestly, Charlene, I don't have time for these games of yours.

Mama is very tired now.

Oh, my God.

Uh, Vivian...

Mama, did you have a phone number

where I can call your husband?

Charlene...

Daddy is in Germany now fighting in the war.

But I'll tell you this.

Mr. Hitler better start running

if he meets up with your daddy

before he has had his coffee.

Mama's going to take a little nap now.

Uh, will you walk me to my room, Charlene?

Of course...

Mama.

If you'll just wait one second.

Is that the woman who lost her purse?

Among other things.

Uh, where's Roland?

Oh, he's in the office.

Give me a key to an empty room. I'll explain later.

You'll explain what later?

Oh, my goodness. I know you.

Uh, well, I'm Roland Wilson. I'm the manager of this hotel.

You don't fool me, Mr. Liberace.

‐Say what? ‐It's nap time.

I want to talk to Liberace.

(chuckles) Excuse us, Ma'am. Rose...

I'm a little worried about this.

Well, you don't need to be.

You don't look a thing like Liberace.

Well, except when you walk.

Rose, I think your friend has some problems.

Roland, she's in trouble.

Maybe she was abandoned. I've read about this.

I mean, people dump their elderly.

It happens all the time.

Well, maybe she's just lost.

But in any event, don't get in over your head, okay?

Now, I've gotta go to the accountant. I want you to call the police.

As of this moment, we're all liable if anything happens to this woman.

Okay.

‐Okay. ‐Mr. Liberace,

will you be playing in town anytime soon?

Ma'am, I'm not Liberace.

Oh, there's that famous walk again!

‐The key. ‐Honey, I‐‐

Honey, she's just a little disoriented.

She'll have a nap, she'll be fine.

Why don't we go upstairs?

Oh, the poor thing.

Can you imagine living in that kind of fantasy world?

Every day I thank the Lord I still have my mind.

(telephone ringing)

Golden Palace.

Oh, yeah. We have, uh, Chinese takeout.

Three orders of moo‐goo gai‐pan...

Two wonton.

Your name?

Okay.

My name?

Who, me?

Yeah, that's it. "Hu‐mee."

Hey. How much money have you saved for your date?

Who, me?

That name's already taken.

‐How much? ‐About 30 bucks.

How would you like to invest and make some real money fast?

Count me in. I'll get my money.

‐Hey you. ‐Who, me?

I don't want to have to tell you again.

I'm Hu‐mee. You're Hey‐yoo.

I like it.

Ka‐ching!

(telephone ringing)

Golden Palace.

Oh, yes, Mr. Gross.

One moo‐shoo pork,

and three pot stickers.

We'll have that to you in less than 30 minutes or...

Or it'll take longer.

Rose. Rose, hold it. Hold it right there.

Rose, an old woman upstairs just asked me if she can swim in my piano‐shaped pool.

‐Who do you suppose that could be? ‐I have no idea.

Rose, Vivian's in this hotel.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Charlene, look. Your favorite.

Bubbles.

And I'm offended that you'd even say such a thing.

Rose, why didn't you call the police?

Because I knew they'd put her in a shelter,

and I don't think she can take that.

Rose, I don't think this is a very good idea.

That's exactly I said to my sister

when she wanted to put mother in a home.

But I let her convince me it was for the best.

And it wasn't.

They took good care of her, but she was scared.

And in a few weeks, the damage had been done.

I've spent the last six years

wishing I had it to do all over again.

So I've made a decision.

Until we find out where she belongs,

Vivian lives here!

Rose, you cannot keep Vivian at this hotel.

I told you, Roland,

I have my reasons. You wouldn't understand.

I know you think you know what you're doing, Rose‐‐

No, Roland, I do know what I'm doing.

Rose.

‐Rose, wait a minute. ‐Roland, no use.

You cannot talk to her when she's that way.

She has a real stubborn streak.

Seven years she worked on that Rubik's Cube.

‐Seven years. ‐(whistles)

And that was just to get it out of the box.

But seriously, I'll go talk to her.

(telephone ringing)

Golden Palace.

You want to change your order to four pot stickers?

My name? Who, me?

No, I don't have a cold,

and I didn't take your order.

Who would come up with a ridiculous name...

Sophia! Sophia!

Ah, we need another sizzling rice,

and we're getting low on fortune cookies.

Okay. Got it.

What the hell's going on in here?

Nothing. Normal lunch. Get out.

You're taking those Chinese restaurant orders.

Oh, I am not.

(speaking Chinese)

(responds in Chinese)

Okay, so I am.

‐Who is she? ‐Uh, that's Dr. Fong. She's a friend of mine.

Uh, she's also one of the best acupuncturists in the country.

She also makes a mean butterfly shrimp.

Butterfly shrimp.

Look, you can't do this.

We're doing this for the kid.

He needs to raise some money for his big date.

We're just tryin' to help him out!

You know, so maybe after his class trip,

he can take her to a movie or something.

Oh, well, how much have you raised so far?

$1,200.

Twelve‐hundred dollars for a movie?

Popcorn?

All right, here's the deal.

Pay Oliver back his money, plus a little profit so he can go on his date.

Pay Dr. Fong for her work,

deduct the cost of the food,

and give the rest of the money to the real Golden Palace restaurant.

What do you mean, give back the money, man? We earned it.

Chuy, you took another man's business. That's not ethical.

Hey, it's a dog‐eat‐dog world.

Dog? No cook dog.

Rose, as for Vivian, you know she can't stay here.

Roland, I stayed up all night talking with this woman,

and even though I don't know who she is, I know her.

And she thinks I'm her daughter.

‐Blanche, what do you think? ‐$1,200 is a lot of money.

I think we ought to serve Chinese food all the time.

No, about Vivian. What would you do about Vivian?

‐Who, me? ‐Leave me out of this!

So, you want to know what I think?

Vivian really ought to be with her real family right now

not a fantasy.

So, if there's a chance they could find her, I think she'd want to take it.

I agree. Now, Rose, I understand how hard this is for you,

but what if there's someone out there looking for Vivian?

And what if they think she's lost to them forever?

At least in a home, there's a chance she'll be found.

I'll call the police. Excuse me.

(sighs)

Vivian's having tea in the dining room.

I don't want to watch when they take her away.

‐You're doing the right thing, Rose. ‐I know.

Mrs. Nylund?

We're here to pick up the elderly woman.

‐Her name is Vivian! ‐Yes, Ma'am.

Listen, we have some papers for you to sign.

‐Is there anywhere we can‐‐ ‐We can use the back office.

Isn't there any way she can stay with me?

I'm sorry, Mrs. Nylund.

Don't worry, Ma'am, she'll be well taken care of.

This way.

Would you like me to freshen that up for you?

Thank you.

Where is Charlene? I haven't seen her since morning.

She cares for you very much, you know.

You must try to remember that.

She only wants to do what's best for you.

We all want to.

What's the matter, Consuela?

Oh, my goodness, you're not pregnant, are you?

Please. I can hardly pass gas without breaking a hip.

Well, you just relax

while I get you a nice glass of juice. Would you like that?

Sure, but not apple. I'd like to walk out of here tonight.

(sighs)

Oh, God, I wish there was a way out of this.

Come on, Vivian.

You're going for a ride.

What? No, you got the wrong old lady.

I'm Consuela... I mean Sophia.

My name is Sophia. Sane as a rock.

Come on. Test me. Test me.

Okay. Let's go. Come on.

Wait a minute. You got the wrong old lady.

You got the wrong old lady. Help! Help!

You got the wrong lady! I don't want to go! Help! Help!

Don't listen, Rose. Trust me, we did the right thing.

I know. I know.

Hey, hey.

You ready to tell the kid about all the birdies and the bees?

Man, are you kidding? I have read three books on psychology,

four books on biology, and...

‐Shelley Winters' autobiography. ‐Ooh.

And might I add, yuck!

Hey, man, you can't teach a kid about sex from books.

Especially with the MTV generation.

Man, you need visuals, which is why

I picked up these guys.

Puppets?

Chuy, I'm not gonna teach Oliver about sex with some puppets.

I wrote this little puppet play and everything.

Don't you want to hear it?

I knew one day my love of puppet plays

would get me in trouble. Go ahead.

Okay, good. You'll like this one. Okay. (clears throats)

Uh, this is called Long Day's Journey Into Puberty

by Chuy Castillos.

♪ Ah, la‐la la‐la La la la♪

♪ Da‐da da‐da Da‐da da‐da ♪

Whoa!

(imitates car revving, tires screeching)

Uh, excuse me, lady. Uh, you dropped something.

My jaw! (laughs)

Uh, what's your name?

(in feminine voice) I'm Susie Bad Girl.

(male voice) Ooh.

Susie Bad Girl.

I've heard about you.

There's a bunch of things I'm not supposed to do with you.

(in feminine voice) Oh, yeah? Like what?

Uh...and then it gets real technical.

What do you think?

Well, if you only see one puppet play this year,

run! Don't walk to Long day's Journey Into Puberty.

Ayy! Thank you. Thank you. Thanks.

Look, here comes the kid.

‐Get those away. Let me have those, okay? ‐Oh. Okay.

‐(in feminine voice) Bye. ‐Get out of here.

See you later, Chuy.

Uh, you wanted to see me, Rol?

Yeah, Oliver. Have a seat.

(clears throat)

Look, Oliver, you're beginning to grow up,

and as you get older,

you...uh...

As the butterfly soon turns into a‐‐a‐‐

a moth...

a young boy's passing fancies

soon turn to...pollen.

And, uh...in 1953,

Shelley Winters met Marlon Brando

on the set of On The Waterfront.

‐And then they‐‐ ‐If you're going to tell me about sex,

you don't have to.

They're teaching it to me next semester at school.

(stammering) Oh‐oh, well, you know,

if that's the way you want to go with this, okay.

But look, if there's anything you don't understand,

anything at all, I'm here for you.

Well, I do have one question.

Oh, God.

Is it normal not to care about sex?

I mean, like Amy, this girl I'm taking to Water World.

I like her just as a friend. Is that normal?

Yes, that's normal.

That's perfectly normal.

Look, don't ever be in a hurry to grow up, okay?

You're just a kid for a little while, enjoy it.

‐Thanks, Rol. I will. ‐All right.

All right.

Chuy did his puppet play without me?

Who played Susie Bad Girl?

Hey, I thought they were taking Vivian away.

They did, Oliver, about an hour ago.

No, they didn't. She's outside.

Oh, there you are.

Oh, no.

She came back, Roland. She must've escaped.

‐It's a sign. ‐No, if she'd escaped,

the police would've called us. Something else happened.

Well, I don't care what happened, it's not going to happen again.

From now on, Vivian lives here, and that's final.

Where's Sophia?

You‐you don't think they took Sophia?

Oh, we've got to straighten this out.

Hey, what's the rush?

I'm home!

Mama!

Charlene.

You had me so worried.

Charlene was looking for her down at the shelter.

After an hour, I finally talked these guys into bringing us all down here.

Mrs. Petrillo, again, I apologize.

And I'm sorry I made you frisk me so many times.

Yeah. It's not like we're even.

Sophia told us what you did.

You probably saved Mama's life.

I was worried sick.

I've been looking all over for her.

‐Thank you. ‐Oh, no. Please. It was a pleasure.

Your mother's a wonderful woman.

You promise you'll bring Mama back to visit us?

We will.

Oh, Mr. Liberace.

My daughter has never heard you play,

‐and I was wondering‐‐ ‐Look, ma'am, really, I‐I can't.

Come on, Lee. What do you say?

Oh, what the hell.

(I'll Be Seeing You playing)

Isn't he wonderful?

♪ I'll find you In the morning sun ♪

♪ And when the night is ♪

♪ New ♪

What a coup. Liberace and Eydie Gorme.

♪ I'll be looking At the moon ♪

♪ But I'll be seeing

♪ You

(all applauding)