Original subtitles

♪ Ooh‐ooh‐ooh

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Travel down the road And back again ♪

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal And a confidante ♪

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift Would be from me ♪

♪ And the card attached Would say ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

I‐I understand, Miles.

(stammering) Do the best you can, huh?

Bye.

Miles didn't cancel your date again, did he?

Well, he said he might be able to stop by. He has another meeting.

I mean, I understand things come up,

but tonight was going to be so romantic.

I got candles.

I shaved my legs above the knee.

I even bought a new teddy.

Victoria's Secret?

Toys "R" Us.

Rose, I'm so sorry.

I know how much you were looking forward to tonight.

Well, it's not just tonight. I mean...

We've owned this hotel for weeks,

and Miles still hasn't seen it.

Not to mention the fact that he's been very inattentive

to some of my other needs.

What do you mean?

Well, it's been a long time since we...

since we played cards.

Really?

How long has it been since you played cards?

Almost three months. (inhales sharply)

If I don't get my deck shuffled soon, I...

Are you guys talking about sex again?

No, we're talking about cards.

Playing cards. Haven't you played cards before?

I only really like to play solitaire.

(grunts, laughs)

Roland, could you lend me out five bucks?

Come on, Oliver, I gave you your allowance three days ago.

Now, you just gonna have to learn. You cannot spend more than you get.

That means I'm broke for the rest of the week.

Well, honey, if you need to raise some cash,

be enterprising. I'm sure you can think of something.

Now, when I was young, and I needed extra money,

there was always lots of work to do.

Yeah, but Marshall didn't close down that bar.

You know, Blanche, that's a good idea.

I mean, Oliver should just go out and start his own business.

When I was his age, back in St. Olaf,

my sister and I had a kissing booth.

People would come from miles around. We made a fortune.

The two of you would spend all day kissing strangers?

No, each other.

Rose...

who would pay to see that?

Old men in raincoats mostly.

Uh, okay, Blanche,

these are the guest registers dating back to 1985.

Now, if you want some more, I guess I can go look in the attic and see‐‐

‐Oh, my goodness. ‐What's wrong?

This name right here.

‐"Jimmy Swaggart"? ‐Uh‐uh.

‐Beneath it. ‐"Jimmy Swaggart"?

Right there. "Miles Webber"!

Oh. So?

There it is again. (gasps)

Oh, no! Ohh! Miles Webber's all through this book.

Yeah, Miles Webber is one of our best customers.

Nice‐looking older guy.

I haven't seen him much lately though. What, you know him?

Know him? He is Rose's boyfriend.

They're practically engaged.

Oh, this news is going to destroy her.

Poor, poor Rose.

Blanche, we should not get involved in this.

And besides, you're probably just jumping to conclusions.

Look, there's lot of reasons why people check in to this hotel.

Why would Miles Webber come to this hotel on a regular basis?

He lives in Miami.

I don't know. You live in Miami.

Why would you come to a place like this?

Oh, poor, poor Rose.

I still don't understand why we can't serve my lasagna every night.

Sophia, I told you, we have to vary the menu,

give the people some choices.

They've got a choice.

They can either eat my lasagna or kiss my butt.

Okay, but does your butt come with soup and salad?

(sighs) What am I going to do?

What's wrong, Blanche?

Sophia, I have a big problem and no one to talk to.

I just wish Dorothy was here. I need her advice.

What can't you talk to me?

Well, no offense, Sophia, but Dorothy gives the best advice.

She always knows just what to say.

Hey, I always know what to say, you aging drag queen.

Now, what's the problem?

Well, all right, all right, but this is a really big one.

Sophia, I'm afraid, maybe Miles is cheating on Rose,

and I‐I don't know what to do. Should I tell her or just forget it?

Oh, this screams for a Sophia story.

But don't worry, I won't make you beg.

Picture it, Brooklyn, 1957.

Sophia, do I really have to stand here and listen to one of your stories?

Can't you just get to the point?

Would you tell Aesop to "just get to the point"?

Would you tell the Brothers Grimm to "just get to the point"?

Would you tell, uh...

‐Who else tells stories? ‐Mark twain.

Too folksy.

O. Henry.

‐Too ironic. ‐Ray Bradbury.

Science fiction? (scoffs)

‐Get to the point! ‐Fine. Here it is.

And that's why I stopped making polio vaccine from scratch.

I don't understand.

Not my problem, Miss Get‐To‐The‐Point.

(exhales sharply) Well, uh, Blanche, maybe I can be of some assistance.

I have a little bit of expertise in the field.

You see, somebody cheated on me once,

somebody I loved and trusted.

My wife.

Well, my "ex‐wife."

Actually, I'd love to say "my late ex‐wife," but she's still‐‐

Get to the point. Any point.

Oh, okay. Well, the point is that...

I think you should tell Rose,

'cause I wouldn't want her to find out like I found out.

‐H‐how did you find out? ‐Graffiti.

Excuse me.

Have you found a pair of sunglasses?

‐Are these them? ‐Yes!

Lobby tax.

Of course.

‐Here's $5.00. ‐Thank you.

This isn't what you think.

How can you look me in the eyes?

I did nothing wrong. I was just‐‐

I mean, you're just a kid. How come you're as tall as I am?

What's going on here?

Okay. So I was using the lost‐and‐found to make a couple of bucks.

But I earned it. I was being enterprising. What's the big deal?

The big deal is you were doing something called "extortion."

You're not going to tell Roland, are you?

Of course, I am. I have to set an example

so you know right from wrong.

But then again,

five dollars could make me forget this whole sordid incident.

What?

To be honest, I'll probably forget anyway,

but five bucks will seal the deal.

But that's blackmail.

It's just as bad as extortion.

Such a little boy to be using such big words.

‐Cough it up! ‐(hesitantly) Mmh.

Penny for your thoughts, Sophia.

You're stupid, and that's on the house.

Rose...

We have to talk.

Oh, no. This is bad news, isn't it?

Conversations that start with, "we have to talk"

always end with bad news.

Rose, let's sit down.

Oh, my God.

First, "we have to talk" and "let's sit down"?

Somebody died.

‐It's about Miles. ‐Miles is dead?

No. No, Miles is alive.

Very much alive.

In fact, Rose,

I have proof that

‐Miles has been unfaithful to you. ‐What?

Today, going through the guest ledgers,

I found his name. Several times.

Before we bought this hotel,

Miles was a regular on Wednesday nights.

Roland has seen him here.

Wednesday is the night he plays poker.

Apparently so.

Well, there must be some explanation.

Just think about it, Rose. Hasn't he been canceling a lot of dates lately?

Well, that's because he's had a lot of meetings lately.

Meetings...

at night.

Mm‐hmm. And this also explains

why he hasn't been by to see the hotel yet.

Oh, trust me on this, Rose.

Honey, I know when a man's been cheatin'. I can sense it.

When I get this tense, tight feeling in my loins,

it speaks to me. It says "adultery"!

Boy, and I thought Señor Wences was talented.

Honey, I'm so sorry about this.

Well, this just doesn't make any sense.

Miles loves me. I know he does.

Oh, God, what am I gonna do now?

This whole thing just makes me so furious. (breathing heavily)

Isn't it typical of a man?

You know what Miles Webber is?

He's...he's... He's here!

‐Oh, my God. Rose, he's here. ‐Oh. Okay, listen.

I‐I want us both to act as if nothing has happened.

I wanna give Miles a chance to explain.

Hey, will you look at this place?

Blanche, Rose, it is beautiful!

I'm sorry I'm late, honey. But at least, I finally got here.

What took you so long, sweetheart?

Well, after the meeting, I stopped off, got a sandwich.

Oh, sure. "A sandwich." That's a good one.

Blanche, please, we agreed.

What kind of a sandwich, sweetheart?

‐Well, it was tuna fish. ‐Liar!

(gasps)

All right. It was a cheeseburger.

I didn't want to hear that cholesterol speech again.

Was the sex better with her? And don't lie again.

Sex? What are you talking about?

She knows you've been cheating on her, Miles. I told her.

‐You did what? ‐It's no use.

We know you've been coming to this hotel for a long time with other women.

‐I saw your name in the guest register. ‐That's impossible!

I've never been to his hotel before in my life!

‐Hey, w‐what's going on here? ‐Stop it! Just stop it!

I deserve better than this.

‐(nervously) Rose, calm down now. ‐You never loved me.

‐Just admit it! You never loved me. ‐Rose, that's not true.

‐Ro...Rose! ‐(Roland applauding, laughs)

And please, let's have a nice round of applause

for our very own Golden Palace players

in their living theater production of...

Come Back, Little Sheba.

Thank you. Thank you.

And please, join us tomorrow when we will do

our critically acclaimed version of Li'l Abner. Thank you.

Good night. Good night.

All right. Come on.

Blanche! I don't know why you did that,

but you have destroyed our relationship.

I hope you're satisfied.

Oh, the nerve of him!

Caught red‐handed, and he still lies through his teeth.

But you can't fool Blanche Devereaux.

I could see the pathetic grasping desperation

all over Miles' guilt‐ridden face.

Wait. Hold it. That was Miles?

‐Oh, boy. ‐What is it?

Blanche, there is a Miles Webber who is a regular at this hotel, but that wasn't him.

Oops.

Here, Rose, drink this.

Maybe I overreacted.

I should have given Miles a chance to explain.

Hey, there is no excuse.

That guy doesn't deserve a beautiful woman like you.

You know what you should do?

You should go out and find yourself another boyfriend.

You know, it would serve him right

if‐if I went out and had an affair with another man,

‐Yeah. ‐A real man.

That'd teach him.

Boy, if I could lay my hands

on some virile, masculine hunk,

I'd do it.

(clears throat)

I've worn women's clothing.

Really?

I never felt so free.

Maybe I'm just kidding myself.

I mean, Miles would never be threatened by just anybody.

It would have to be somebody dark and mysterious,

someone dangerous and forbidden.

Hey, guys. What's going on?

Roland, what are you doing tonight?

I don't really have any plans.

(clears throat) Because Rose is looking for a real man to sleep with.

Aside from painting my toenails.

Darn!

I'll never find anybody as good as Miles.

Wait a minute. You're not still breaking up with Miles, are you?

After what he did? Of course.

Oh, Roland, promise me, when you settle down with a woman...

or whoever...

that you'll be faithful.

Wait a minute. Didn't Blanche tell you what happened?

‐About what? ‐Oh, Rose,

there is a Miles Webber who's a regular at this hotel,

but that's a different Miles Webber than your Miles Webber.

‐I told Blanche that two hours ago. ‐What?

Oh, uh, I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Now if you'll both excuse me,

I have to go kick some gravy‐sucking,

gopher‐eating, cousin‐humping southern butt

from here to Chattanooga!

Excuse me.

I didn't order a baked potato.

I ordered rice!

All right.

We need rice!

‐Rose, I have something to tell you. ‐I bet.

What lies are you going to tell me about Miles this time?

How many women he cheated on me with?

How many times he did it while I was on vacation?

How he liked to cut pictures of Jackie Collins

out of old People magazines and sleep with them under his pillow?

Well, tell me something I don't know, Blanche!

You told her about Miles!

You couldn't wait for me to do it?

How did I get involved in this?

I distinctly remember trying not to get involved in this.

Rose, I swear, I was only trying to be a good friend.

Don't give me that. Why didn't you tell me immediately

this was all a misunderstanding?

Well, I wanted to, but it was hard for me. (sniffles)

I was scared. I was afraid you might get mad at me.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

Because like always, you were too concerned with Blanche,

about what would happen to you. You cared more about that

than my relationship with Miles.

Some "friend."

‐Ladies, please. I don't think we should do‐‐ ‐You stay out of this.

You've said enough!

Well, as far as I'm concerned,

‐our friendship is over! ‐(man) Yes!

Bravo!

Bravo!

Hey, guys, Rose wanted some decaf.

‐Oh, okay. Oh, whoa! C‐come here, little man. ‐Hmm?

Sophia tells me you've been using the lost‐and‐found

to extort money from the guests.

Now, you know better than that.

I gave her five bucks not to tell.

Don't interrupt. Chuy?

Look, the point is that we all care about you.

We want you to grow up knowing right from wrong.

You know, we're trying to be role models for you.

But she took my five bucks.

Okay, some of us are doing a better job than others.

Look, I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to make easy money.

I just want you to promise me you won't do it anymore, okay?

‐All right, I promise. ‐Okay.

Is there any chance of me getting my five bucks back?

There just may be five dollars waiting for you on your dresser.

Really? Great!

Why can't I feel guilt?

It's just one of those silly coincidences, that's all.

(sighs) Oh, thank you, sweetheart.

Oh, I feel so dumb, Miles.

Oh, Rose. It was just an honest mistake.

Oh, but I must have been out of my mind.

(sighs)

I even planned a way to get back at you.

Oh, revenge, huh?

(laughs) You're so cute. What were you going to do?

Call me on the phone and hang up?

Ring the doorbell and run away? (laughs)

I hired an ex‐green beret to tamper with your brakes.

But don't worry, I decided at the last second

I couldn't go through with it.

You were still my fella.

And you will always be...

What do you mean, "at the last second"?

Oh, I'm so glad this is all behind us.

Now, I just have to figure how I can work here

without ever talking to Blanche.

Oh, Rose, I think you're overreacting.

And I'm also upset with Sophia.

She was a little too eager

to give me that green beret's phone number.

(Miles laughs)

Look, I think you ought to forgive Blanche.

Listen, I was upset, too,

but we're human. We all make mistakes, Rose.

But Miles, she tried to make me think you were cheating on me.

Although, I'd have to be a pretty big idiot to believe it.

The very idea of you cheating on me.

(chuckles) It's really silly when you think of it.

Rose...

We have to talk.

I sure hope you're about to tell me somebody died.

About six months ago, Rose, I...

I was eating in a restaurant, and I met this waitress.

Her name is Fern,

and we... we got to talking,

and, well, her husband had just died, and‐‐

Oh, thank God. Somebody died.

No, sweetheart. That's not where I'm going.

Oh?

We found we had so much in common, we...

We've developed a very special relationship.

We've become very close, Rose.

‐I don't believe this. ‐Sweetheart, I‐I didn't mean

to fall in love with two women,

but I did, and I'm very confused.

(sighs)

Rose, I‐I don't know what to do.

At my age, I...

I can't afford to make the wrong choice.

Choice?

This isn't the Pepsi Challenge, Miles.

When I think of all that we've shared,

and‐and for you not to be sure.

I thought if we could talk about it,

maybe we'll work something out.

Miles, If you don't know by now that I'm the only one for you,

there's nothing to work out.

Oh, no, Rose‐‐

‐I just want you to leave. ‐Rose, don't...

Miles?

Why did you decide to tell me?

Well, even though Blanche didn't get her facts straight,

somehow, she was right about me.

Her loins can talk, you know.

That's nice, Rose.

But I realized that

Blanche is a better friend to you than I am,

and I couldn't let you throw that friendship away.

Thank you.

(exhales sharply) You think maybe...

Maybe someday, uh...

(somber music playing)

Oh. Oh, Rose, honey.

Roland told me about Miles. I am so sorry.

I'm so sorry for all the things I said to you.

It turns out you were right.

Wish I hadn't been.

He's gone, Blanche. Miles is gone.

Oh, God. What am I supposed to do now?

Well, y‐you could try doing what I always do

when a relationship ends.

Blanche, I'm not going to get naked and call the fire department.

They're public servants. You pay your taxes.

All right. All right.

Why don't you just try thinking of this as a new beginning?

Oh, Rose, you're very special, and...

And if this didn't work out, it's probably because

there's somebody out there even more wonderful just waiting for you.

I just thought...

Miles was the one.

This is without a doubt

the worst production of Li'l Abner I have ever seen!

Listen, I'm perfectly capable of driving myself to the store.

We've been over this. I take you or you don't go at all.

You're not gonna treat me this way. I won't let you treat me this way.

‐Rose‐‐ ‐Ssh.

So, leave me alone. I'm going to the store.

Crazy old woman. Crazy old woman!

What's goin' on?

I think they're doing Driving Miss Daisy.