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One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four. One, two...

Lucy, have you seen my new garter belt?

I thought it was up there in the drawer.

I can't find it anyplace.

I just bought it the other day,

and this is the first time I've wanted to wear it and...

There it is!

What are you doing with my new garter belt?!

Aw, come on, Viv, let me have it.

I haven't finished yet.

Give me that!

I need it to keep in shape.

Well, I need it to keep my shape in.

Come on. Now, give it here!

Oh, all right.

You did that on purpose.

- I did not, Viv. - Oh, you did, too.

Mind if I borrow this?

What's the big idea?

I gotta exercise.

Well, take my advice, and don't work up an appetite.

Why not?

Well, because you're broke,

and if my alimony check isn't in this morning's mail,

we're gonna be eating leftovers for dinner.

So what? We've eaten leftovers before.

Yeah, but these leftovers are left over

from last night's leftovers.

Well, Viv, you just better get down to the bank

and ask Mr. Mooney to loan me some money

until I get my allowance.

Me go?

Oh, Lucy, Mr. Mooney wouldn't give me money for you

if you'd been declared a disaster area.

Well, at least you could give it a try.

Why don't you handle him the way I do?

Be pleasant, butter him up a little,

and then very casually get down on your knees and beg for $50.

Lucy, I couldn't get $50 out of that tightwad

if I got down on my knees with a pair of loaded dice.

Now, look, you can use my system:

tell him the children are starving,

and take out your handkerchief and wipe away some tears.

But be sure and tell him it's a matter of life and death

that I get $50.

What if he only offers me ten?

Grab it.

Oh, come on, now, Lucy.

You play that scene so well.

Why do you send me?

I can't go.

Why not?

Because I have to go to work.

Go to work?

Yeah, that's why I'm trying to get in condition.

Have you got a job?

Oh, come on, now.

What kind of a job is it?

I can't tell you.

Oh, come on, now, Lucy, you gotta tell me.

Sorry, Viv.

Oh, now, Lucy, just give me a hint. Just a little.

All I can say is it's the most exciting, thrilling

and dangerous work a woman ever had.

You're not thinking of going into the ring, are you?

Nope, you're not even warm.

- Now, Lucy, come on and tell me. - No.

Oh, now, Lucy, now, I'll get it out of you somehow.

No.

If you've got a job, I want to know what it is.

No.

- Oh, come on, now, Lucy, and tell me! - No.

I'll get it out of you somehow.

Now, come on and tell me.

Good morning, Mr. Mooney.

Oh, good morning, Mrs. Bagley.

Oh, what a beautiful carnation.

Oh, thank you. I grow them myself.

You must have a green thumb.

Yes, from counting green money.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, you do have a delicious sense of humor.

Lucy sent me.

Another financial crisis.

Oh, I'll say it is, Mr. Mooney.

I don't even have a nickel for the parking meter.

It's just one of those times when my alimony check

and her allowance has run another dead heat.

This is a business institution, not a racetrack.

I'm not interested in your photo finishes.

Well, I can't say I blame you.

Ours is not a very pretty picture.

What's that for?

Isn't this where Mrs. Carmichael told you to turn on the tears?

No, no, that comes after I mention the starving children.

Oh, oh, Mr. Mooney, believe me, this is serious.

And all Lucy wants is just a little bit of an advance

on her own money.

Then why didn't Mrs. Carmichael come herself?

She couldn't. She had to go to work.

Work... She has another job?

Uh-huh.

What's she doing?

I don't know.

All I know is that she has to keep in good physical shape.

And she says it's the most exciting, dangerous job

that a woman ever had.

Maybe they're sending her to the Moon.

Well, if they are,

they'll be sending her on an empty stomach.

Believe me, now, Mr. Mooney, we're just starving.

Oh, plea-plea-plea-please!

Could you just see your way clear...?

Mrs. Carmichael has given me the malnutrition bit before.

Oh, but, Mr. Mooney, this time it's true.

Believe me, this morning I stuck my head in the refrigerator,

and that's the only meat that's been in there for a week.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, believe me, there's no food!

And when mealtime comes around,

I start thinking of the children.

Oh, good heavens, I can't have you putting ketchup on them.

All right, I'll advance

Mrs. Carmichael a few dollars for groceries.

- $50? - Ten.

I'll take it.

Now, Mr. Mooney, how about a nickel for me

for the parking meter, huh?

It seems to me you have an account here.

Do you want me to write a check for a nickel?

Unless you'd rather fill out an application for a loan.

♪♪

♪♪

I got one. I got one.

I got one! My first one!

This is my first one.

I got 'em good, too.

My first one.

Yeah!

Oh, just a minute, officer, just a minute.

Lucy!

Hi, Viv.

So this is your big secret.

Yeah, what do you think?

Oh, I never would have guessed.

My, you look wonderful in that uniform.

Thank you. Isn't it great?

I just started an hour ago

and already I'm writing out my first ticket.

Oh, congratulations.

Marvelous.

Wait a minute, you can't write that ticket.

That's my car.

It is?

Oh, gee, how come I didn't recognize it?

I had it washed.

I didn't know it was green.

What are you doing?

I have to finish writing out your ticket.

Lucy, you can't give me a ticket.

I have to.

Here's my nickel for the meter, see? Right here.

Too late!

You wouldn't!

Let me see your driver's license.

Are you out of your mind?

I'm just doing my duty, Viv.

The meter says "expired."

You make me wish you were.

Well, now I've got to cite you for a 255.

What's that?

Abusive language to a police officer.

But, Lucy, you can't give me a ticket.

I went into the bank for you.

A likely story.

Oh, now, come on.

Now, you sent me.

Here's the money.

Oh, Viv, how could you?

How could I what?

You've just committed an 826.

826?

Yes, attempting to bribe a police officer.

Are you writing that down?

I have to. It's in the manual.

But, Lucy, this is your money.

Excuses, excuses.

Let me see your driver's license.

I will not.

All right, then I'll have

to put you down as argumentative.

Oh, all right.

My number is 748235.

I have to have the license.

Are you calling me a liar?

No, but I've got to do things according to the manual.

Oh, all right.

Hmm.

"Hair: blonde, eyes: blue, date of birth..."

Oh, you must be kidding!

No wonder you didn't want to show me your license.

So I happen to be a year older than it says.

How many years older?

Oh, come on.

Give me the ticket and let me get out of here.

Sorry, madam, but I'll have to detain you.

Detain me?

Yes, when a driver's license contains false information,

I have to turn in a 407.

A 407?

I have to run a make on you.

Run a make on me?

Yeah, it's an expression we use down at headquarters.

All right, Mrs. Bagley, raise your arms over your head

and lean forward over that car.

Why?

The manual says it's required safety procedure

while detaining a suspect.

Now, go on and do it.

I'll do no such thing.

All right, unless you do,

I'll have to cite you for resisting an officer.

Oh, okay.

All right, over the car.

All the way over.

Unit 11-A requesting a want on one female suspect:

Bagley, Vivian.

Height: five-six, hair: blonde, eyes: blue,

age: uncertain.

All right, 11-A, stand by.

Roger. They got a wonderful system here, Viv.

This will only take a minute.

Well, I hope so,

because I'm getting tired of playing cops and robbers.

Why don't you just put the handcuffs on me

and hit me over the head with a blackjack?

Watch it, watch it!

Get those hands up over your head

and get back over that car.

Calling unit 11-A, unit 11-A.

We show no warrant check on your suspect.

Roger. Over and out.

All right, madam, good news.

- What? - You're clean.

Does that mean that I can go?

After you sign this ticket, yes.

Thank you.

There you are.

Aha! Litterbug!

Hi, girl!

Hey, wait till you hear

what a success I am down at headquarters.

They said I gave out more tickets

than any rookie they'd ever had, including men rookies.

And, boy, did I make a big hit

with that seven-violation ticket I gave you.

Thanks to you, I'm liable to make sergeant soon.

Well, gee, Viv, aren't you glad for me?

Oh, Viv, don't hold a grudge.

I was only doing my job.

Well, let's not talk shop.

I'm off-duty now.

Say, I noticed you took up the hem of that skirt.

It's a good thing you did; it makes it look real smart.

You know, Viv, I think you've lost some weight.

No kidding, that outfit makes you look five years younger

than your driver's license says.

Gee whiz, Viv.

No matter what kind of beefs we've had,

we've never not talked.

At least we had the decency and courtesy

to argue and yell at each other.

Oh, Viv, will you say something?

Anything!

Copper!

Well, I wish you'd stop talking like that.

When will you civilians realize

that a policeman is your best friend?

A policeman, yes, but not a storm trooper.

Storm trooper?!

Why, you-you-you meter cheater!

Meter cheater?!

Oh, Viv, let's not quarrel.

Have you started dinner yet?

Not yet.

I just got back from doing my shoplifting.

Oh, Viv, you're funny, honey.

Don't try to make up with me, J. Edna Hoover.

Viv, I was only doing my job.

Well, your job is liable to cost me a fortune in fines.

Well, I'm-I'm sorry, but I-I...

This is one job I don't intend to lose.

And if you're unhappy about that ticket,

you can just go fight city hall.

That's exactly what I intend to do.

I am going to go to court and fight that ticket.

Well, fine!

May the best man win.

No hard feelings.

Ah, I guess you were only doing your job.

That's right.

You didn't know it was my car.

Of course I didn't.

And you are my best friend.

And I always will be.

Come on, honey, let's go out in the kitchen

to have a cup of coffee, huh?

Ah, no, nothing like that.

I'm not allowed to consort with known criminals.

City of Danfield versus Mrs. Vivian Bagley.

Is Mrs. Bagley present?

Right here, Your Honor.

Will you step up here, please?

Yes, sir.

And Officer Carmichael.

Officer Carmichael, traffic department,

badge number 8715, district nine, 21st precinct,

division seven, vehicle number 12, unit 11-A,

women's auxiliary.

Thank you.

Now, uh, Mrs. Bagley,

about these various charges listed against you...

How do you plead to the charge of overtime parking?

Not guilty, Your Honor.

Oh, come on, now.

Please, quiet.

Go ahead, Mrs. Bagley.

Well, you see, Your Honor,

I didn't have any change for the parking meter,

so I went into the bank to get some.

And when I came out, there she was.

Will you please identify whom you mean by "she"?

I mean, Officer Carmichael,

district nine, division seven and all...

And did you explain your situation to Officer Carmichael?

Oh, I certainly did, Your Honor.

She had no right to give me that ticket.

I call 'em as I see 'em.

Your Honor, with the court's permission,

I would like to prove that her story is very questionable.

Permission granted.

You may be seated, Mrs. Bagley.

Yeah, sit down, Viv.

Uh, now, Your Honor, uh, you see, this is Maple Street.

And this is the bank over here,

and you're the saloon on the corner.

What?!

I mean, uh, you're the cocktail lounge.

You're the cocktail lounge.

Now, there were three cars parked right here

when I came around the corner.

I tripped as I got off.

I was right in front of the...

Officer Carmichael, will you please explain

the meaning of this travesty?!

Well, with the court's indulgence,

I'm trying to establish a time element.

What time element?

I'm trying to establish that there was more than enough time

for any normal person to go into a bank and get some change.

Get off.

What do you say to this, Mrs. Bagley?

Mr. Mooney here will testify that I did go into the bank

and that I did ask for change for the parking meter.

That's true, Your Honor.

Well, a transaction like that shouldn't take much time.

She didn't have any money.

I finally had to write him a check for five cents.

Well, cashing a check doesn't take very much time.

Well, first we had to check her balance.

For a nickel?

It was insufficient!

Then how could you possibly expect

to take care of the meter?

Well, I expected to take the money

out of the money that he gave me to give to her.

Mr. Mooney, why would you be giving a police officer money?

Because it was my money.

We handle her trust fund.

Well, if it's her money, why did you give it to Mrs. Bagley?

Because I didn't want her head

to be the only meat in the refrigerator!

Now, can we...

Let's start over with this thing, and see if...

Will you go and sit down someplace?

Mrs. Bagley.

Oh, yes, Your Honor?

How do you explain these other charges?

- Uh... - Attempting to bribe a policeman.

Yeah.

It was her money.

Can you prove it was her money?

Mr. Mooney?

Uh, uh, yes, Your Honor.

I have the canceled check right here.

Right here, yeah.

Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to get back to the bank.

Very well. Will you hand this evidence

to the bailiff on your way out?

Thank you so much, Mr. Mooney, for coming to help me out.

That's very sweet of you.

- Uh, Mrs. Bagley. - Oh, yes, sir?

Yes, Your Honor?

How do you plead to the rest of these charges?

Not guilty, Your Honor!

What?!

Oh!

Will you please?!

- Continue, Mrs. Bagley. - Yes, Your Honor.

I was angry about the injustice of the parking meter,

and she goaded me into doing all of those other things.

By nature, I'm law-abiding,

pleasant, friendly, and...

Oh, sure.

But she provoked me.

Can you prove these statements?

Yes, Your Honor, with the help of a character witness.

Very well.

Call your character witness.

I call Lucille Carmichael.

Me?!

I can't be a character witness.

Yes, you can!

Come up here.

Proceed.

On the morning that you gave me the ticket,

did you or did you not have an argument with Vivian Bagley?

I don't remember.

Oh, a likely story.

Do you deny that an argument took place

between you and said Vivian Bagley?

- You started it! - Oh, that's beside the point.

- It is not beside the point! - It is too beside the point.

- No, it isn't! - Shh, shh! -

Ladies, ladies, please...

You start it all the time.

Officer Carmichael.

Mrs. Bagley,

it is only fair to point out to you that you are

hurting your own case by showing that you are quarrelsome.

Yes, sir.

- All right, sir. - Continue.

Now, then, Your Honor,

I will prove to this court that said argument

was not said Mrs. Bagley's fault,

because it was caused by what said Lucille Carmichael said.

What did I said?

Well, it wasn't exactly what you said,

it was what you did.

Well, what did she did?

Ah!

I mean, what did she do?

Your Honor, wouldn't you quarrel if you

walked into the living room and found someone

pulling on your brand-new garter belt?

I don't think I understand...

Well, she was pulling it all out of shape!

That's what she was doing.

Oh, Vivian, I was not.

I was pulling on it like this.

Well, why would you be pulling on anybody's garter belt?

So I could become a policeman.

What?!

I was getting in shape for my physical.

That's very... in 20 years on the bench, I've never...

You see? You see how she provokes you?

You see, Your Honor?

You see how she provokes you?

Then you can imagine her provoking me,

with my sweet disposition.

Oh, sweet disposition.

Well, perhaps some of these charges have been provoked

and exaggerated!

Just a minute. What about the charge

of falsifying her-her driver's license?

Well, can you explain that?

Well, Judge,

I did make a little mistake about the date of my birth.

Well...

That is not an uncommon practice with the feminine sex.

And so far as a woman's age is concerned,

I think our motor vehicle bureau

is chivalrous enough to close one eye.

For the age she put down,

they'd have to close both eyes and wear dark glasses.

Your Honor, that's contempt of court.

Your Honor, do I have to stand here and be cross-examined

by this bleach-blonde Perry Mason?

Oh, you're talking.

Your hair hasn't been its original color for 20 years.

- Is that so? - 20 years that I know of.

Ladies...

You just happen to have those dark roots showing...

Order, order in this court!

I am now going to render my decision in this case.

But, Your Honor, you haven't heard all the testimony yet!

Will you please let me run my own court?!

Well, yes, if you put it that way.

- All right, Mrs. Bagley. - Yes, sir?

It is true, you were parked overtime.

And for that, I am going to fine you two dollars.

Is that all?

But in view of mitigating circumstances,

I am going to suspend that fine,

and I am going to dismiss all the other

- charges against you. - Oh.

Officer Carmichael,

you overstepped your bounds of duty.

And for that, I should fine you $50!

However, since it was your first day of duty,

I'm going to suspend that fine on two conditions.

First, that you stop being so overzealous!

Overzealous? What does that mean?

That means drunk with power.

Thank you.

The second proviso is that you will please

never again set foot in my court!

Uh, Your Honor, I guess I did go a little overboard

in performing my duties.

And I'll try never to let it happen again.

Very well.

Case dismissed.

Thank you.

And I want to thank you, too, Judge.

Uh, Judge, uh...

Judge Kasten.

- Judge Kasten. - Yes.

Is that Jack Kasten?

Yes.

Is that Jack T. Kasten?

Yes.

Do you own a 1964 blue convertible?

Boy, are you in trouble.

Parked in a restricted zone out there.

Lucille...

May I see your driver's license, please?

Lucille...

Get that woman out of this court!

But he's guilty as sin, Vivian!

Lucille...

Get her out of here!

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