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It's...

Brought to you by Log Cabin.

The syrup with real maple flavor.

From General Foods.

Why, Viv, you look perfectly radiant this morning.

I can't get over it, Viv. You're positively beautiful.

I don't even have my makeup on yet.

Well, you shouldn't wear makeup.

You have a rare natural beauty.

Are you serious?

I was never more serious in my life.

By the way, dear, your rent's due today.

I don't have it.

Go fix your face; you're a mess.

Do you realize

that you're three months behind in your rent?

Do you realize that Ralph

is three months behind with my alimony?

So? I'm hooked for the rent.

Well, I haven't got it.

What do you want me to do, go out and rob a bank?

No, I don't want you to go out

and rob a bank.

With that pittance that Ralph gives you,

the least he could do is pay it on time.

Yeah, that's the least he could do.

But Ralph feels that paying alimony

is like feeding oats to a dead horse.

And no cracks.

Hey, listen to this.

"Danfield, open your doors.

"Due to the tremendous influx

"of tourists visiting the World's Fair,

"residents of surrounding communities

"are being urged to rent out rooms to people

who cannot get accommodations in New York City."

So?

So, I could rent out a room and get off the hook.

Whose room do you have in mind?

And oh, no, you don't.

Oh, why not?

You can use my room. We'll double up.

Do I have an alternative?

Well, now, look, Viv, I'm not going to insist.

- I'll leave it up to you. - Thanks.

Either you move in with me or sleep in the garage.

Well?

I'll move in with you.

Good girl. Now, we'll tack up notices

in every store in Danfield.

Help me write an ad.

Dreadfully drab, even for a bank.

It does look drab,

but it also looks like a pushover.

Yes.

If I'd known this country's financial institutions

looked this hideous, I'd have bypassed bank robbery

for something more aesthetic

like, like stealing famous works of art.

Imagine pilfering a Picasso.

Perhaps after this job,

we can try one of those drive-in banks.

We'd avoid all this ugliness

and we wouldn't even have to get out of the car.

Just honk the horn.

Yes. A splendid idea.

Just toot for the loot and scoot.

However, first things first.

Now, we'll need a few days here to observe this bank's procedure

before we determine what method we can best employ.

Yes. Well, I'd better check for the combination.

Good morning.

Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.

Hold it, Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, hi, Mr. Mooney.

This bulletin board is for official bank business only.

Oh, but Mr. Mooney, our town council says it's our civic duty

to try and provide accommodations

for World's Fair visitors.

And I just want them to know that I have a room for rent.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, you must have some civic pride.

Hold it!

Oh!

Leave that bulletin board alone.

Oh.

I beg your pardon. Excuse me, ma'am.

We're here in the East to visit the World's Fair.

But we-we are unable to find accommodations.

I wonder if you know of any rooms for rent here in town.

Well, you may not believe this, but I have a room for rent.

- Oh. - No, really?

- Yes. - Well, this is our lucky day.

We'll take it.

Wonderful.

My name is Carter Harrison.

- Well, how do you do? - How do you do?

And this is my associate.

Gordon Bentley.

How do you do, Mr. Bentley?

It's very nice to know you. I'm Lucy Carmichael.

Well, it's a pleasure to have such a charming landlady.

Well, thank you.

Oh, would you excuse me just for a moment?

Happy New Year!

Come along, gentlemen.

Jerry, will you turn off that radio

and finish your breakfast?

What's the matter, Mom, don't you like music?

Not that junk.

I like longhair music.

That was longhair music.

That?

It was The Beatles!

Say, where are the two new boarders?

Oh, they said they were going to sleep

a little late this morning.

Oh, I don't blame them.

Tramping around that fair all day

and half the night must be exhausting.

- Yeah. - Are you finished, kids?

- Yeah. - Come on, I'll take you to school.

- Okay. - Bye, Aunt Lucy.

Bye-bye. Give me a kiss, sweetheart.

- Bye-bye. - Bye.

Lucy, I'll be gone a little while.

- I have some shopping to do. - Okay.

Say, will you let me have five dollars?

Five dollars?!

Come on, now, you got all that money

you got from your new boarders.

What did you do with the five dollars

I gave you a couple of days ago?

Oh, I had a mad fling.

- Here you are. - Thank you.

I'll send you a postcard from Paris.

Oh, go on.

- Well, good morning, Mr. Harrison. - Good morning.

- Good morning, good morning. - Good morning, Mr. Bentley.

Well, are you giving the fair another whirl today,

or are you going to take the day off?

Oh, no, no, no, we are going back there

directly after breakfast.

Oh, well, I'll have it ready in a jiffy.

- Thanks so much. - Oh, thanks.

Well, old boy, the weatherman says

we'll have a beautiful day for robbing the bank.

Good for him.

Oh, I agree.

Oh, did you compose the note

for me to stick under the teller's nose?

Yes, yes, I've got it here.

I think I have.

Yes, yes, yes.

"" Tis brief this meeting, we admit,

"but alas we dare not tarry.

"So quickly hand thy money forth,

for this is cash and carry."

- Oh, that's brilliant. - Yes.

- Really it is, it is. - Thank you.

No wonder you're known as the "Bard of the Bandits."

Oh, say, shall we, uh...

shall we take our briefcases to carry the loot?

No, no, no. I think this is more of a shopping bag community.

Besides, shopping bags hold more money.

Uh-huh.

This is the part I hate... Waiting in line.

Patience, old boy.

Every occupation has its pitfalls.

Now, remember, Gordon,

a cheery smile, lots of teeth.

Charming.

Oh, thank you very much.

Oh, pardon me, pardon me, but I just have to cash a check.

It'll only take...

Oh, hi, fellas.

- Hi. - Hello.

Oh, I'm sorry. This will only take a minute.

Would you hold this for me, please?

Yes, sure.

Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't...

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

May I use your shopping bag, please?

Sorry. Here we are.

Oh, that's so awful.

I told them they were putting too much in that bag.

Say, what are you fellas doing here, anyway?

Oh, we... came to open an account.

Oh, well, in that case, I can be

of very good service to you, you see,

because the president is a friend of mine.

Yes, Mr. Mooney.

Come over, and I'll introduce him to you,

and I'll give you a very good character reference.

Come on.

Well, tomorrow is another day.

Stop worrying, old boy.

Our lady buttinski's gone to the beauty parlor.

We're perfectly safe.

Well, how can you be sure that we're safe?

Oh, to get her hair that color must take at least half a day.

Ready?

Oh, boy, did I save your lives.

I was sitting across the street under the dryer,

and I looked over here and your car's parked

in front of the bank in a no-parking zone.

And not only that, but you had the motor running.

Here, I turned it off for you.

Thanks a lot.

Now, you just better get out there and move that car

before they cart you away to jail.

That policeman is working his way up the street.

Thank you for helping us, Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, anytime, anytime at all.

Glad to be of help.

Hi, Mr. Mooney!

Tomorrow?

Tomorrow's Saturday.

Tonight... when she's asleep.

Oh, good.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Oh, it'll be a relief to only worry about

burglar alarms, the police and the FBI.

Come on, come on.

It's all right, we're safe.

Isn't this beautiful?

Oh, Gordon, you were wonderful.

Absolutely magnificent.

Yes, the way you manipulated the combination on that safe.

Well, that's very kind of you to say that.

Do you realize they won't discover this money's missing

until the bank opens Monday?

We'll have two full days to get out of town.

Wonderful.

Oh, well, if that's the case, let's stay here till Sunday

and really go out and see the World's Fair.

It's a shame to miss it, since we're so close.

Why not?

Money's only good for two things:

stealing and spending.

Where will we stash it?

I... I got an idea.

We'll just stuff our little fortune into this mattress,

turn it over and nobody will ever notice it.

Huh?

Not only a good idea, but a functional one.

This mattress could use some stuffing.

Give me your knife.

Uh, Viv.

Oh, Viv, would you come up and help me?

She's down in the kitchen doing the breakfast dishes.

Oh. Jerry, Sherman.

They went to the drugstore

to get some batteries for Jerry's radio.

Chris.

I'm not here either.

Come on, Chris.

Oh, I've got go.

Cynthia's waiting for me out front.

Come on, honey, now, you can leave in a minute.

I want you to help me turn the mattress.

Come on, get over there.

- I want it to go this way. - Okay.

Now be careful.

Be careful of the picture.

Ooh! Gee!

I can't understand it.

It feels like it's stuffed with cement

instead of horsehair.

Oh, how could it get so lumpy?!

Looks like they left the horse in it.

Poor Aunt Viv.

No wonder she always complains about her mattress.

Yeah, it's even lumpier than she is.

I'll smooth it out. You run along, dear.

Okay. See you later, Mom.

Okay, dear.

Oh, Viv, dear.

Could you come up here a minute?

Oh, I just made some hot coffee.

You come on down.

Okay...

Mrs. J.P. Morgan.

What are you reading, Viv, the Danfield Tribune

or the Financial Journal?

Any good buys in the market?

Well, Oscar the butcher has a special on rump roast.

You know, I've always suspected you had a little nest egg,

but you got enough for an omelet.

What are you talking about?

How did you amass your fortune, dear?

Oil wells, gold mines or playing the horses?

Now, Lucy, you know I'm flat broke.

Oh, come off it, Viv.

I just found thousands of dollars

you hid in your mattress.

I knew it.

All those henna rinses have finally pickled your brain.

And to think, with all that money you have upstairs,

you can't even pay your rent!

Oh, what money are you talking about?!

You're nothing but a penny-pinching cheapskate!

I've never been so confused in all my life!

You've never been so loaded in your life either!

Is there really money upstairs in my mattress?

Yes, thousands!

Well, this I gotta see.

Why do you keep denying it, Viv?!

It's no crime to be rich!

Hi, Aunt Lucy.

- Hi, Mom. - Hi.

See, Mom, it's all fixed.

Yeah, it sounds just as bad as ever.

Aunt Lucy, can we have a cookie?

Yeah, you can have a cookie.

We interrupt this program

to bring you a special news bulletin.

Theodore J. Mooney, president of the Danfield National Bank

reports the theft of $8,500 from the bank's safe.

Apparently, the money was stolen sometime last night.

Normally, the loss would

not have been discovered until Monday,

but Mooney appeared at his desk this morning,

having forgotten today is Saturday.

Oh, so that's where she got it.

Who? What?

Uh, oh, oh, nothing, dear.

Oh, you poor kid.

Mom, is something wrong?

No. No, everything's gonna be all right.

Is it all right if we go down to the Y and shoot some baskets?

Yeah, yeah, all right. Go along.

Will you tell my mom where I am?

Yeah, I'll tell her.

Lucy, do you know there's over $8,000 here?

$8,500.

Wow!

Oh, Viv, you shouldn't have done it.

Done what?

Oh, boy, you're the coolest customer since Ma Barker!

Will you stop acting like a mystery guest and tell me

just what you're talking about?

I just heard it on the radio, Viv.

The Danfield bank was robbed of $8,500 last night.

The Danfield bank was robbed?

As if you didn't know.

Hold it. Hold it.

You mean to tell me that you think that I rob...

That you...?

Oh, boy, that's a hot one.

You shouldn't have, Viv.

I would have waited for the rent.

Lucy...

I certainly hate to disappoint you,

but I did not rob the bank.

You and I played gin rummy last night till midnight.

Then we went up to your room and went to bed, remember?

Well, then how did all that money get in your mattress?

Well, maybe it was put there by the tooth fairy.

I don't even sleep in that bed anymore.

Remember that?

Why don't you accuse the people who are sleeping here,

your two very fancy boarders, your two... your boar...

The boar... the boar... The boarders.

My gosh, they're crooks!

Oh, Lucille, and they looked like perfect gentlemen.

Oh, they're the worst kind!

Oh! We gotta get out of here!

If they catch us here with their money,

they'll kill us in cold blood.

- They would kill us, Lucille, believe me! - Now, don't panic.

- Don't panic! Viv! Viv! - People who'll do a thing like that

- would absolutely kill us! - Viv, Viv, Viv, Viv!

- Now, don't panic! - What do we do? What do we do?

They're spending the whole day at the fair.

- Yeah? What do we do, huh? - Now, just take it easy.

- Now, let me think. - Yeah, think.

- We'll call Mr. Mooney at the bank. - Yeah.

We'll tell him that we solved his little bank robbery.

Yeah?

And we'll have him come over and pick up the money.

Oh.

Oh, and maybe we'll get a nice fat reward.

Oh, I'm gonna take mine before that skinflint gets here.

Hello! Hello!

Mr. Mooney, this is Lucy Carmichael.

You've got to come over here right away.

I've got the stolen money.

I've been waiting for your call.

You were?

Yes, every other crackpot in town has called.

You were the only one that was missing.

Mr. Mooney, I am not a crackpot!

Oh? Oh, where did you find the money?

Stuffed in Vivian's mattress.

Oh, that's the best one yet.

You win the crackpot jackpot.

Mr. Mooney, if you don't believe me, I'll bring the money to you.

I'll be right over.

I can hardly wait.

I'll show him who's a crackpot.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What?

- Lucy... - What?

They're driving up in front of the house.

- Who is? - Your two crooked boarders.

Oh, dear, we gotta get this money

out of here without them seeing it.

How are we gonna get all that money out of here?

You go down and stall 'em.

Yeah? What are you gonna do?

How you gonna get all, all the money...?

Oh, Lucy, that'll never work.

You can't get all of that money in there.

Don't worry, Viv, these stretch pants are gonna stretch

farther than they've ever stretched before.

Go down and stall 'em!

- Stall 'em. - Hurry up!

Stall 'em.

Oh, hi, fell... Oh, hi!

Got home a little early, didn't you?

Well, Saturday at the World's Fair was impossible.

- It was jam-packed. - Oh.

Anyway, we've seen enough of the fair,

so instead of waiting for tonight,

we've decided to go right now.

Yes, so if you'll excuse us,

we have quite a bit of packing to do.

Oh, I wouldn't go now, if I were you.

I'd wait till tonight.

Oh, getting out of Danfield this afternoon

would just be murder.

I-I mean, impossible.

I see. Well, we'll just have to take our chances.

Excuse me.

Oh, if I were you, I would wait until...

What the, what the...?

Hi, fellas.

- Hi. - Hi.

Why, Mrs. Carmichael, what has happened to you?

Uh, oh, it's, uh, it's-it's an old allergy.

Every time I eat hearts of lettuce,

I get, uh, grepsophilia.

Yeah, I-I break out in lumps.

Strange you only break out from the waist down.

Yeah, well, that's grepsophilia for you.

Uh, uh, this is what happens when I eat lettuce hearts.

You see, when I eat a head of lettuce, I get a lumpy head.

Oh! The pain! The itching is driving me crazy!

Viv, you've got to drive me to the doctor's right away.

Oh, yeah, I'll get the car out of the garage.

It'd be faster if we took you.

Oh, no, don't bother, no.

- Our car's right in front. - Go get the car, Viv!

I'm going to get the car!

In your condition, in your condition, every minute counts.

- Now, come on. - Oh, yes, come on. Come on.

Oh, don't bother, don't bother. No, hold it! Hold it!

I'm not gonna be able to make it.

I think, I think we better have the doctor come over here.

- All right. - Call the doctor. His number's 1166.

- 1166. - Yeah.

No, no, that's the police station.

I know that!

Th-That's where the doctor is every, uh, Saturday.

Saturday afternoon. Oh, yeah, oh, he's always there.

Yeah, he gives the department their weekly checkups.

The-The chief is a physical fitness nut.

Viv!

- Use the kitchen phone! - Why?

So the doctor will be able to hear over all the noise.

What noise?

Oh, that noise. Oh!

Wouldn't you, wouldn't you be more comfortable sitting down?

I don't know.

Sit here.

Now, take it easy. Take it easy.

Don't-Don't hurry.

There. There.

Now, you stay with Mrs. Carmichael,

and I'll go up and pack.

Oh, no, don't leave me!

I shall be here.

Yeah, well, I need both of you.

W-When I really start to scratch,

it takes two men to hold me down.

They'll be right, he'll...

Uh, the doctor will be right here.

Yeah. Oh, I think I'd be more comfortable standing up.

- Oh, yeah, come on. - Yeah, help.

- Oh, there you are. - Oh, my.

Oh, dear.

Lucy, Lucy.

What?

Yes, lettuce really does give you lumps, doesn't it?

Oh, yes.

Yes, but that lettuce happens to be ours,

all 8,500 leaves of it.

Give it to me!

Run, Lucy!

Hey, hey!

Oh, let go of me, will ya?!

Stop, thief!

Stop that!

You stay right there!

Give us that money!

In the closet, in the closet, Lucy.

There.

Oh, now, wait a minute!

Back, back, back, you dirty thieves!

Down, down, down! Sit down!

There they are! There they are! There they are!

I didn't do it! I'm...

They're the ones!

They're the ones that took the money! Oh!

They're the ones! They're the ones that...

W-Where's the rest of my money?!

Oh, just a minute, Mr. Mooney.

- Yeah? - Oh!

Hi, Mr. Mooney.

Hi. Where's the rest of my money?

I'm wearing it.

No bank ever had branches like that.

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