Original subtitles

Hello, good evening! Good morning, Mrs...

Duchess of Earl Margherita Semenzara!

How did I know it was you? No, I did not know, you swore it was you...

I recognized your noble voice.

Do you want to talk to your Noble Lord Husband?

He is in a session since yesterday evening in the Grand Council of the 10 absenthees.

I have clear instructions not to interrupt them,

But if you insist, Ah, you do not insist, you...

...command it.

Then, just a moment, I'll put you in touch with the council.

Just a moment...

Hello, Council of the 10 absenthees.

It's for our Count Semenzara, from his wife Lady Duchess... Duchess Conde...

Wait - Wait a moment.

Just a moment My Lady, Here is your husband.

Ciao, I'm here, my jealous one! Did you think I was out partying with hookers?

Semenzara does not do stupid things. Semenzara works even at night...

to keep you and the family well.

He is not scared of your controls.

But now please,I need to go, must partecipate to a vote.

Ciao, ciao...

What did you say?

Nothing, he spoke a bit faster because he needs to go voting.

He said to sleep peacefully...

That's good. Good night, good day, good bye Lady Duchess Cond...

Who's here!? - Fantozzi Ugo, accountant, Registration 7829/bis. Doing overtime.

You could have warned me!?

Sorry Mr. Nightguard, if I have frightened you.

Thank you, good morning. Good night. Mr. Nightguard, see you soon.

Good morning, miss...

No! Your colleague has already shot me upstairs!

I promise, next time I'll do it with you. Good year, good bye!

- We are waiting for you. - We are waiting for you.

WE ARE WAITING FOR YOU

Let me through!

Please! They expect me home!

On the chassis... The crystals, no!

- Take this! - You miserable scoundrel!

...You think you own the road?

How often should I say, I should... should...

Go home because I've just finished to work!!!

Here, accountant, Extremely urgent.

Surveyor??. F 7.

Damn, in the first turn!.

- I stroke a cruiser. - Well!.

- I'd start with n. 27 this morning - Good, and you?

The series of 5 to 8, per 100,000 liras.

Let's get on with it.

For the selection of the employee that should accompany

Our Mega Director Clamoroso Duke Conde Pier Carlo Ingeniero Semenzara...

to play in Monte Carlo, there was a terrible draw...

For which there was also the partecipation of the internal committee.

The organizer of the ceremony, was the accountant Filini, of the Claims Office.

Attention!

- Let's proceed! - S�, your Excellence.

Miss Silvani!

Pardon me!

Ms Silvani of Calboni!

- Me? - S�.

chosen to withdraw from the urn name chosen, Ms. Calboni...

ex Miss Silvani.

And ex great desperate love of Fantozzi.

...since she married, he dared not touch her even with his thoughts.

- Excuse me if I turn my back ... - I blindfold...

- Sorry. - Easy.

- Do you see anything? - No!

The occasion was thruly horrendous...

3 days in Monte Carlo, to see Semenzara play.

And if he suspected that his companion brought him good luck...

Then your life would be settled...

Sweet heart of Jesus,...

Be quiet!

Who's praying?

Thanks.

Registration 7829/bis.

Fantozzi remained in a state of apparent death, for more than four hours.

- Congratulations Fantozzi! - Well done, fatty!

To Fantozzi!

Hip, hip, hip, hurra! Hip, hip, hip, hurra!

Again congratulations!

Thank you, please drink. Drink to my health...

At least say thanks to me.

For what?

It was my wife's doing.

Let's say I have been your fortune goddess, Fantozzi.

I must thank you. Would you like a drink?

No thanks. But do me a favour. Come.

S�, where?

Such luck! It's disgusting!

- He's been kissed by luck... - I hate him!

Here, take these!

Do you want me to exchange them?

No, Fantozzi. You must play them at the roulette.

For me.

But, is your husband ok with this? Does he know?

But we are a modern couple, We are open minded.

Play it on the 27, Fantozzi.

S�.

...When you feel it's the right moment.

27, it's my age.

Oh, to think I would have played at the most the 14... Or even 4.

Goodbye Pina! Ciao Mari�ngela!

Ah, here is the tra... tra... train...

Well, we have to admit, we are slightly early.

the train to Montecarlo departed at 23:37.

Fantozzi arrived at the station at 4:12 in the afternoon.

7 hours earlier!

With him, Ms. Pina, and Mariangela.

To see his triumphal departure.

There he is! The Duke Conde!

Good morning, Master!

Make way for the Duke Conde!

Make way for Conde Semenzara!

Sir Duke Conde, if you allow me the honour of introducing you my...!

Who are those loosers? Who do you want to introduce me to!?

Nobody. I wanted to present my apologies for

having slighly touched you with my elbow...

So you do not have any relation with those witches?

No, never seen them in my life, don't know them at all!

- Then don't look at them! - No, I don't!

- And touch yourself, by Judas! - Yes, I touch myself!

I hope they will not get on our train.

No, I don't think so...

I believe they are going away,

yes, they are going away.

Gone now.

- That's better! - That's better!

Pardon me, I just take my suitcase,

Even a purple suitcase, that brings bad luck!

By the way, You have no luggage?

No, no luggage.

Not even a briefcase?

...I have a nice one back home,

but I do not bring it to the station,

because... they'd steal it...

But i have everything on me: 5 shirts, 12 pairs of pants...

and 16 pairs of socks.

There's the train!

Let me, Duke Conde!

Stay still! Just a moment!

- What's the meaning of this? - quiet with those hands!

The Duke Conde is mine!

All taken!

Taken, taken taken...

It's all busy!. I took the whole compartment!

But... young man, Have you ever booked a sleeping cabin?

No sorry...

These are booked. I booked cabin n.18.

18?

Sir Count...

Come then, Count. N. 18?

Come, I'm at your service...

Let's clean it...

What the hell are you doing?

Here, I think, it's your...

...bid�.

What?

What is this?

- Ddi you get hurt? - It's nothing...

Only lost functionality of the first two phalanges.

Pinkie and ring finger. Sorry, I'll just get my hand back.

Oh, here is also your glass, to drink during the night...

Oh, of course. This is for your noble needs.

Can I Undress you, Conde Duque Lord?

No, no, no! Go to your cabin.

I don't have a cabin... To avoid being a weight on the company,

I took a 2nd class ticket...

As you know, 3rd class has been abolished.

If it's allowed, I'd prefer to sleep on the floor...

Curled up next to your bed...

Not allowed, not allowed!

Well, then if you consent it, I will retire to my compartment.

Clear. - Go to 2a. you'll see, it will be very comfortable.

Good night.

Tickets please...

I hope you're in good shape, young man.

Cause I've been awake all night in that bloody bed.

- I was right above the wheels! - Oh, I was rather comfy.

- Good evening. - Good evening dear.

The Duke, like all people possessed by the demon of game...

was very superstitious and used extravagant rituals.

Do, re, mi, Good Luck comes here.

Re, mi, fa, Good luck comes this side.

Si, do, re, Good luck does not go there.

Pardon me...

Chips!

One moment, not a bet...

Here you go, Duke!. Mr Conde Duke.

Sit down.

Sorry, Mr Conde Duke, Actually I have no chair.

- Sit anyway! - Anyway...

Done.

And touch my ass!

But, How do I do that...?

Put your hand under! Just do it!

Nine!

What's happening?

My foot was under yours, Sir Duke Conde.

Put back immediatly your foot under mine. Do not interrupt the fluid.

everything must stay as when I won.

- And keep it on with my ass. - I keep on...

- ...touching your ass... - A million?

A million.

Eight!

A horrible sufference, but short...

Because in the span of two hands, Semenzara lost everything ......

and went under of 22 kilos of chips.

And stop touching my ass!!

But, at about 3 am, the Conde Duke had a stroke of luck

...and won a clamorous prize.

What were you doing just then?

Me? I allowed myself to drink few drops of mineral sparkling water.

Bravo, bravo! Keep doing that!

Valet, bring immediately 25 bottles of mineral water,

...Of the same brand!

It was the terrible "Acqua Berthier",

The gassiest on the planet...

Nine!

Drink, drink!

Sorry...

- What is your rank in the company?. - Me? Twelfth. The lowest.

I upgrade you at the 11�.

...With my own personal desk, and fake leather chair?

S�, s�. But keep drinking!

In 2 hours Fantozzi drunk 4 boxes of "Berthier"...

Equivalent to 3 cubic meters of compressed gas.

Therefore it had to be anchored like a balloon..

No, no. Give me back the chair.

- Give me the chair. - Quiet, quiet.

It may fall on someone's head.

This is the casino's chair. Go now.

On the bright side, during those 2 hours...

He climbed with mad speed all the Company's hierarchical steps.

even 3 by 3...

Employee of 7th rank:

mahogany desk, and artificial leather armchair,

phone, ficus plant, symbol of power.

Fifth rank: opaline lamp, flat glass,,

Painting "naif" from Yugoslavia on the wall, 2 ficus.

First rank:

4 ficus, 3 phones, dictaphone,

six "naif" paintings, rug on the floor.

He had come to the threshold of leadership

ie greenhouse of ficus,

and armchair in human skin,

when fortune turned away ruinously from Semenzara

You ruined me, idiot!

Retire! Vanish.

Idiot, king of the idiots!

Hei, hei, hei! Drop that ashtray!

It belongs to the Casino! where are you going, give it back!

Forgive me...

"play them at Roulette when inspiration will come "

"Twenty-seven, as my age."

"Dad, did you get me a gift this time?"

No more! - Wait, I bet here! I put 20,000 to 27!

27, red and odd!

Here, it's me!

- Sorry ... - To whom does this belong?

It's mine.

Yes of course.

Of course it belongs to the Duke Conde.

I would never dare to play, even less, to win.

Excuse me, How much is the winning?

- 700 thousand liras. - Ah, good!

With that blood money

Semenzara paid the bill of his suite at the Grand Hotel.

With the remaining amount, 2 whores, and a bed cabin for the way back on the train.

Fantozzi instead, had to find a different solution with his own means.

Ughino, Look how you've become.

All stuck...

Can't even speak...

Now I will heal you with grandma's flaxseeds...

- Are you happy? - No, no! - I'll go to the kitchen and back...

Here is a lukewarm one.

Then I'll bring you another hotter.

At that temperature, Fantozzi always fell in a mystical ecstasy...

This time he saw the archangel Gabriel which announced his upcoming motherhood.

Opening of the hunting season.

This year, again dragged by the implacable Filini ...

always possessed by ideas of new and tragic initiatives...

Fantozzi also

decided to partecipate

Filini's equipment:

Sherlock Holmes hat, with Robin Hood style feather,

An Argentine poncho that belonged to a rich aunt, tennis shoes with galoshes over

Topografic maps...

And a Calabrian bandit's trombone.

Fantozzi:

white hat, sailor style, of his daughter Mari�ngela ...

Painfully normal jacket, tight at the waist by a gigantic cartridge belt,

...machine gun, a 2nd World War residue,

sling, viper bite serum,

canary in a cage, and hunting stray cat...

who immediately fled at the beginning of the operation...

How wonderful!!

This is a paradise on Earth!

Breath!

Too bad, mr. Accountant!

What?

That you could not bring your Albertuccia.

...Albertuccia?

I mean, Albertina, the baboon!

Your daughter...

- Ah, Mariangela! - Of Course.

She surely would have had fun...

Jumping from tree to tree.

What do you mean, from tree to tree?

No, I meant, from meadow to meadow!

But here we are really out of the world, Where are we?

We are exactly in this place, Can you see it?

- Your feather... - Do you see it?

Actually I do not see anything, Your feather is piercing my eye...

here is a famous hill,

practically no man has even been there.

It is a place that nobody knows!

It's mine! Whatever it is, is mine.

It was Margheriti, knight of the Instituto Case Popolari.

Ex regional champion of bird whistling imitation.

It's mine, I said!

After 6 minutes, Industrial consultant Carletti...

Called "the hare" because of a congenital malformation to the upper lip...

felt unconfortably observed...

- There! - Let's get him!

But you... You're not a man! You are a hyena!

Yes, that's right, He is a hyena!

And a very good specimen!

Let's not get confused! Let's split in groups.

Now, married guys to the hill, and singles to the valley.

Yeah! Let's go!

Is there a photographer??

Watch those hands!!

Sorry, but the shotgun is mine! Where is your slingshot?

Didn't you bring your slingshot?

But you still did not shoot, we are the only ones who did not yet shoot today.

What happened?

What happened?

Good morning, sir.

It's that, we can't, eh... shoot.

Let me see...

- Do you know about it? - Some.

- Let's see what's the problem. - But of course, it's not loaded!

Look, Accountant, have you, by any chance, touched the trigger?

I can't remember...

Sorry, do you mind if I leave this here and I take yours instead?

Well, see you soon and good hunting.

See you. And watch out, huh.

The ones with money came with armored vehicles, complete with personal guards.

Bravo! Good shot Marquis!

A megalomaniac rented a bomber!

For a perfect slingshot strike, aim,

keep the target in the middle of the fork,

pull the elastic with strenght, until it comes to your ear,

then let go...

The poorest ones, counterattacked with the not less effective strategies of guerrilla.

Help me! Help me, please!

Attack!

I now got hold of a good gun myself, Did you see?

Look how nice!

Enough slingshot! Now I can also shoot!

Accountant, are you hurt?

Absolutely... Only very ... ever so slightly ...

I think I need a urologist...

Look, for 2 left ears I can give you the index of the right hand...

- ...Of a lawyer. - With nail?

- Yes, it's complete. Look how nice. - two ears...

- Got a light, please? - Good morning.

Good morning. How is it?

My stomach burns.

- I must be a bit nervous ... - What can we do ...

Sometimes it's the nerves...

Hey Accountant, Where's your gun?

Mine? I always keep it...

Come on! Be a man!

C'mon Accountant, shoot now!

He got it in the sleeve! A granade in the sleeve! Run!

Go!

Did you find it, Accountant?

How do you feel?

- Great! - Good.

Hostilities ceased at sunset.

They all returned home with their prey and trophies ...

just in time to see the results of football.

Next Sunday we'll be back and teach them a lesson.

We can't, there's the trip to Genoa, for the baptism of the new starship Enterprise.

- You can not miss. - I have an appointment with my brother ...

We added it to the list! He owes me 5000 lira.

Godmother of the baptism, the ineffable

Countess Serbelloni Mazzanti Viendalmare ...

great shareholder of the Company.

Here, Countess! Your turn!

From 32 meters distance la Serbelloni Mazzanti Viendalmare starts...

Master of ceremony! Can I throw it?

Throw it, Contessa, throw it!

- Here, Contessa. - Another bottle?

Yes, please.

This time from 46 meters distance, la Serbelloni Mazzanti Viendalmare starts...

Emcee! Can I re-throw it?

Retry, Contessa! But aim more to the centre.

Fantozzi decided to wait in the water till the end of the ceremony.

Emcee! Can I retry again?

Re-retry Contessa! But more to the right!

They followed in order...

Mayor with tricolor sash...

Minister of Merchant Marine...

Baroness Filiguelli Bonchamp, 102, lifetime company mascot...

All authorities were quietly thrown aside.

When the reserve of champagne terminated, it was

decided to change the ritual of the ceremony.

Cut of a metal wire that would trigger ...

the mechanism of the baptism.

Re-starts from 76 meters away la Serbelloni Mazzanti Viendalmare...

I cut, in the name of God!

full Archbishop's littlefinger with pastoral ring!

Damn sow, daughter of a great ...!

The ship was christened at nightfall once appeased the cardinal's homicidal rage.

At night the festivities continued with a big party at the house on the hill,

belonging to Counts Serbelloni Mazzanti Viendalmare.

Who, besides inviting the usual and powerful princes,

extended the invitation the rest of the employees,

even the most humble, given the upcoming union agreements.

This is a real Brandeburg dog, Archduchess, look.

But he scares me a bit.

Fantozzi and Filini arrived with two terrible fracs they hired.

Filini looked like a mutilated... Fantozzi was virtually in bermudas!

What's that? A calf?

No, no, no! It's a horse!

- I think it's a... puppy. - A dog...?

A big puppy. a 2 tons puppy.

- He's looking at us. He has a human stare. - Yes?

You see? He purrs...

Pardon...

Sorry Doctor, but we our invitation cards.

If you're kind enough to move that leg, we'd go to the party. Thank you.

Filini and Fantozzi, What happened to them, I did not see them around.

Maybe they were not invited.

You're wrong, we invited everybody.

Yes? - Even the errand boys, everyone.

- Well, well. - Why, is someone missing?

Two rude ones, Countess. Two they think it's chic to be late.

- But do not worry, countess. - Yes, I worry ...

There are two beloved employees whose whereabouts are unknown!

- Help us! - Horrible dog, help!

- Help! - Contessa, help!

What are you doing, watch out!

A human stare, wasn't it?

Purring, wasn't it?

I admit that I was wrong.

Quiet, "Fido"!

Try with "Fufi"!

Quiet, "Fufi"!

Try "Bobi"!

Quiet "Bobi"!

Friedman!

Friedman is not a dog's name!

How on earth is called?

His name was Ivan the Terrible the thirty-second.

Direct descendant of Ivan the terrible the first.

Who belonged to Czar Nicholas I.

Legendary champion of hunting of Russian peasants in the steppes ...

and executed as an enemy of the people, in the October Revolution in the Red Square.

Now come on. Here we are coming! Slowly, carefully ...

- Do not fret, dear ... - Here we are!

- No, I'll bring the stairs. - Do not make efforts, please.

I'm sorry, employee!

Forgive me employee! Are you hurt?

It's nothing. Only a complicated skull fracture.

To make up for the unfortunate accident...

Counts Serbelonni, with an astute patronal move...

invited Fantozzi and Filini to the table of honour.

- Bring it there. - Employee!

- Fantozzi. - Employee!

Allow me to introduce some of our friends:

Excellency, His Eminence Vetanza.

- Do�a Mi�az de Coral... - Sorry...

my hand is slightly sweatty.

General of Aviation Ernesto Maria Lampioni.

Young Marchesa Giava delle Corte.

You know the rules, Fantozzi ...!

You do know how to behave in high society, don't you?

What you must do and must not do...

- yes, yes! - We'll see!

Why, "we'll see"? My hand was only a bit sweatty, sorry.

- Your shoes. - Thanks, should be exquisi ...

The cocker had taken them, the puppy...

Employee! Do you knows our Ambassador in Germany?

Count Otto von Liujbert Steigner.

Heil Hitler! Forgive me...

Just call me Otto.

No, no, at least Nine...

Ten! - Eleven! - Twelve!

Fantozzi won.

�Thirtynine, take this!

How good! Exquisit!

The glasses: 5 in a line on his right and another 5 in line on his left.

What would you drink?

Aren't you thirsty?

My saliva levels are down to zero...

then drink!

What are you doing?

I read... I read my hand...

See? The line of luck ...

What day is today?

Sunday! - Sunday!

They said the same thing at the same time!

Let's do "flic-flac", Give me your little finger!

Ring finger... Middle...

The Thrush, the most difficult thing in nature!

Cheers!

- Have you finished it? - Yes, I ate it.

How am I doing?

bad, by God!

At the end, he took a drastic decision, he swallowed it whole.

So good!

Fantozzi's colors: red, Pompeian red, orange lobster,

violet, dull purple, dark blue,

at dark blue, Fantozzi entered a cardio respiratory arrest.

Rice from the oven with cherry tomatoes garniture.

The tomatoes have this tragic feature:

outside: cold, insi.. Fireball at 18,000 degrees!

I'm going to get this one!

You're not going to spit it here, I hope?

No, no...

You will not spit here? You're not going to do that, Fantozzi! Get out!

Fantozzi! Maybe you know ...

What was the name of that temp with that boiled fish face?

Little tomatoes...

- Fantozzi! - S�?

Open your mouth and close your eyes.

Fantozzi!

he had falled right into the arms of Iv�n the terrible...

who after dragging him to the darkest corner of the park,

began to dig a sinister looking grave, 1.30 for 2.

And go, then!

It was not the lights of a car that wanted to pass,

The beast kept him besieged for a week,

that was obviously counted as vacation.

Ugo? Is it hot enough?

An injustice that Fantozzi could not stand ...

so that for the first time in his life,

He faked being sick, and stayed home.

The control!

Wait. Do not open! Do not open!

It wasn't the doctor, it was Mr. Bonetti from the 7th floor!

What happened to the Virgin Mary?

Bonetti? And what the hell did he want,

Bonetti from the 7th floor? To give me a heart attack?

No. He has to leave unexpectedly with his family ...

What do I care about this?

He had three free tickets for the American Circus ...

he kindly gave them to us.

Free...

He could not sleep all night

The risk was insane!

If you were discovered you would risk at least...

a public whipping in the cantine.

But it was the first time in his life that Fantozzi had free tickets.

- What happens? - I've decided.

- We'll go. - Where? - To the circus.

- We'll be careful... - Oh, My God...

...But we will go.

- Ugo, is that you? - S�.

It's dad!

Put the scarf back!

Let's go.

The tickets! Oh God!

Oh, here they are! That's better!

Come, Mari�ngela.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, our intelligent chimps!

Don't make me pull you, dear...

Dad, I'm here!

Hello, miss. You see... Ah, it's because you have the same dress...

It was a misunderstanding. keep up the good work.

"Come on, darling".

Come, Chita... Eh, Mariangela.

Did you see Pina, how cute was that monkey?

You seem Mariangela, that monkeys are superior animals...

excuse me... Aren't you the one who was supposed to be in bed, sick?

Me? No, you're making a mistake!

And now comes into play...

the great Hungarian artist!

- Take this! - What are you doing here?

Take this!

Go get it immediately!

Look at this clown!

Take this, why not?

Gentlemen, our Bronco "Wild Horse".

Greetings, thank you very much!

Accountant Ugo Fantozzi, 7829/bis tuition ...

Consider my situation. Hold me tight!

- Ugo! - Pap�!

So you are Accountat Fantozzi!

No, I insist!

it's not me!

And now ladies and gentlemen, the most sensational number!

Mr. Superflight. The bullet man!

Stop! Quiet everybody!

Accountant Fantozzi!

Come out!

I know you're in there! Come out I tell you!

Oh, is that so?

Then I'll take care of you!

He was found a few days later in the province of Agrigento ...

by the Archangel Michael.

The divine messenger, reminded him that he was 9 months,

and recommended to delve into the delivery room.

Sorry Doctor, Hadn't we agreed in Bethlehem?

Well, if you say so. Okay.

"Battleship KOTIOMKIN"

Many years ago, Fantozzi was hired by the company ...

with the position of "Sponge for stamps."

He succeeded because, in the aptitude test ...

following the advice of a corrupt chief porter,

responding to two strange questions from the chairman of the committee

Do you like the German Expressionist film?

It is the love of my life.

And I want to remind here the great teachers: Murnau ...

and Robert Wiene,

from whom we cannot forget "Das kabinett...

des Doktor Caligarisss".

Caligari!

Who is David Yourrrrrgryft?

I did not hear...

- Gryft! - Griffith! the father of American cinema!

- Yes, him! - I adore him, he is like a father to me.

Well, young man. You are one of us!

The powerful Professor Maria Ricardelli Guidobaldo,

was a fanatic worshiper of art cinema.

Once a week he would force his employees and their families...

to terrifying visions of cinema classics.

In 20 years Fantozzi had to watch, again and again,

"Dies Irae", from Carl Theodor Dreyer. Six hours.

"Men of Aran," Flaherty. Nine parts.

But above all, the most classic of classics ...

..."Battleship Kotiomkin"!. 18 rolls.

Of which Professor Ricardelli, possessed a rare personal copy.

Excuse me. What do they show tonight?

- "Battleship Kotiomkin". - "Battle... ".

Go, go!

- Battleship... "! - Ughino... Be brave.

Excuse me...

- �Ugo! Wake up! - I caught you, "Fantocci"! You sleep!

�No Professor, It was a sudden spell of sickness!

No madam. He sleeps like a piece of shit.

- Wake up!. - It's already 7:00? Alarm clock!

- Coffee, newspaper, bus! - Ugo!

Good morning, Professor. Has the film already ended?

No, but you'd like that, you piece of shit? - No, no, no.

There are still 3 parts.

Great! 3 parts...

And you will see them on your knees.

Kneeling is better ...

- On your knees ... - Not here. Come, follow me!

It's a piece of shit. That's the right word ...

Here!On the chickpeas!

Let's see if you sleep well here.

For more than 20 years suffered Fantozzi horrible public humiliation...

during and after the screenings,

when Ricardelli would open a discussion about the film.

And now, as always, I invite you to express your aesthetic judgment.

It's a great film!

- I demand a word in! - You ...

- Is a masterpiece. - The eye of the mother,

- ... the stroller with the baby! - You, Filini ...

When I see the detail of the boots, I fall into ecstasy.

Say.

Tonight the analog montage moved me completely!

The boots of the soldiers and above all, the stroller!

Yes, it's true. Say.

The poor baby stroller that rushes down the stairs.

Professor, couldn't we watch it again from the beginning?

I wish, dear friend. But it's late.

And you, "Fantocci"! Do you open your mouth only to yawn?

�No tiene nada que decir?

...Nothing to say?

My husband, the Accountant Fantozzi, is awestruck.

No ma'am "Fantocci" Your husband is a piece of shit.

Is it true or not?

On Saturday the 18th, at 20:25 pm, Live from Wembley stadium,

England-Italy, qualification for the World Cup.

Fantozzi had a wonderful program!

Socks, underwear, flannel robe, table watching television ...

his favourite, omelette with onions,

large beer cold, demoniac breath ...

and free burping!

"We are now connecting to Wembley to broadcast on Eurovision "...

"the live broadcast of the match" ...

"Italy-England, valid for the World Cup. "

Ugo, look, Doesn't she look as an angel?

Yeah, fine. Look, don't boter me, I don't want to hear a fly.

Pina, pepper, pepper!

And, Pina, don't forget to disconnect...

"In a moment we'll switch to Wembley to broadcast on Eurovision "...

"Italia-Inghilterra, valid for the world cup".

Oh, it's you Accountant Filini!

Aha, Filini! I'm already in the trenches!

I bet we win, 10 coffees to 1. Italy, Italy!

Did you hear?

What?

Fine, Accountant. We obey.

"Dear viewers, we are at Wembley ... "

Italia, Italia!

"Teams are placed in the field to sing the national anthems. "

Ugo! I think you can not watch the game tonight.

What!?

- We gotta get out ... - What...

Professor Ricardelli.

No!

Filini to me we have to go immediately to see a Checoslovak film.

But with German !

- No! - Ugo! - Dad...

Ughino, don't be like that!

"We reached the big time. Italy-England are played in this historic match"...

"qualification for the finals World Cup. "

"Inquiry of timers. The referee blows" ...

The match has begun!

"Capelli Pass to Purici. To Antonioni. Tunnel to the English defender ".

- "Another tunnel. heel for Roccia". - Ugo, we are running late.

"Center, miracolous intervention of the English porter.

"Take from the bottom. Controls Benetti Purici happens to the left ".

"Formidable cannon of Purici that clears the crossbar. "

"The ball is controlled by Bellugi. Bellugi for Capello now as right wing.

"Elude the McKinley center trying to stop it.

"Shoots, nape of English, Capello quill again neck, "... ...

"terrible confusion, nose, neck, shin, neck, ear "...

"enters Purici, Almost goes off target ".

"Sorry for the excitement, friends who are facing the screen "...

"but I haven't seen such a good start of the Azzurri since 170 years.

"The ball is by Tardelli, speeding. McKinley eludes stop trying "...

"Shoot. Nape of McKinley, Savoldi leg, nose of Antognoni ".

"Nape of English goalkeeper, nose McKinley, Benetti leg, neck "...

- Adjust it!! - There you go!

- Ughino, calm down please... - I couldn't hear...

"Fabulous strike!"...

�Pole!Pole!

- Ugo where are you going? - Will you come back, dad?

"The Azzurri tear in again. They approach the English area. "

"Azzurri attack. Antognoni jump almost hangs on the back to McKinley. "

Excuse me. Who hit the pole?

"strike from McKinley,"

"Terrible fall of the English goalkeeper".

"The 120,000 spectators at Wembley and you, the lucky million "... "

"that nothing could tear away from the front of the screen "...

"may notice that tonight's Italy dwarfs the memory "...

"of that legendary extra time of Italy, Germany, Mexico "

Nothing?

The tie?

Pocket ... Perfect!

Okay, go ahead!

The mouth ...

Pregnant? 9 inches? ... Congratulations.

Did you see? What an embarassment.

With great sadness I must inform you that by an oversight ...

the copy of the Czechoslovak film did not arrive on time.

Therefore we cannot make the projection.

Let's go!

Where are you going? Everybody freeze!

Instead, there will be a screening of the Masterpiece of Serghei M. Einstein ...

... "Battleship Kotiomkin".

Tonight I feel a more vibrant tension, they are more active, they exchange comments.

yes, they partecipate more, Professor.

they were not exchanging comments. In the darkness of the room...

were running uncontrollable and implausible rumors.

It was said that Italy won 20-0 ...

and goalkeeper Zoff had made a header from a corner.

Twentyone!

Well, we opened our usual debate.

Who want to speak?

Filini? Calboni?

Excuse me! Can I say something?

Ah, our piece of shit!

Come Fantocci! Please come.

Finally you have an opinion.

Who knows what deep aesthetic judgment you must have matured over the years?

Talk, talk.

Well?

For me, "Battleship Kotiomkin" ...

...It's fucking shit!

Ninety-two minutes of applause!

Got it? Piece of shit!

Burn! There you have soldiers' boots!

The first thing was to destroy forever ...

The damn personal copy of the damn "Battleship Kotiomkin."

On the chickpeas!

- Look! - Your "eye of the mother"!

The baby stroller!

There is your analog montage!

�"Halt"! Just a moment!

Now, the screenings!

Guidobaldo Mar�a Riccardelli was forced to watch for 2 days...

and 2 nights non stop, to see continuously rotating...

"Giovannona long legs", "The Esorciccio" y "police are pissed off".

- Want some coffee? - How about some coffee?

Come on, right! Piece of shit.

- Ughino, a coffee? - No, no.

Bravo, my hero Fantozzi!

Until the dawn of the third day, the police got pissed off for real.

There's no escape! You are surrounded!

Never!

Never!

�Fantozzi, I am the Director of Directors!

I advise you to release immediately the hostage...

And to surrender unconditionally!

We'll never surrender, did you hear me?

Never! Bah, maybe...

Stop it!

To partly compensate Professor Ricardelli...

of the irreparable loss of his beautiful film ...

The mutineers were sentenced a horrendous punishment,

worth of a Dantean circle of hell.

They had to recreate atleast the main sequence of the masterpiece destroyed,

every saturday afternoon, until they reached retirement ...

We can begin!

Die, Filini!

- Bastards! - We will take revenge!

Down boy!

mother's eye!

Soldiers open fire!

Murderers!

Now, the stroller!

- Please, go slow... - S�, Accountant.

Today it's already the 4th time!

Oh, mam�! �Oh, mam�! Oh God!

Bravo, "Fantocci"!

You are so nicely chubby, Like an infant.

Don't worry, nobody will take away this role from you.

You have the "fisique du role".

Now do another take.

- Another?. - Yes, yes, another.

- We do another one? - Yes..

Good, have you seen the analog montage?

Almost better than the Master's one!

Let's start again! Get back in your position!

- Ugo! - Bye, Dad!

A sad morning, Mrs. Pina and Mari�ngela, left ...

to attend the funeral of a distant second cousin in Pescara.

They left Fantozzi alone with his pain.

After centuries of everyday family bondage ...

He was free. And with a free house ...

Calboni took advantage situation.

and involved him in a shady affair...

With that face, I bet you need to tell me something.

Something unpleasant, but you lack the courage, right?

- No... - S�.

Could it be that the Engineer Masella Cominetti ...

wants the balance for tomorrow morning ...

and that you, me and Filini ...

Must work all night at your house?

- S�? - S�.

I'm sorry. Just tonight,

that I had invited my wife out for dinner ...

Dont worry about it, maybe I can come too...

To give you company.

Why Not? _Not!

Oh, nevermind then.

- Can I sit he... - No, it's busy.

- and here? - No, also busy.

All busy...

Move on, go. further down there is plenty of room.

Then I'll leave, ma'am ... Bon appetit ...

Bye, Fantozzi.

Then Vivi, what shall we do, are you busy?. Oh, Ok.

The appointment was at 21:30 at the phone booth

of Garibaldi Avenue.

here Calboni made 126 phone calls...

to an equal number of unknown people,

describing them to us as actresses and models.

Hi, Zizi. Oh, did you recognize me?

Si, s�. I am with 2 friends.

Let's say middle-aged.

ne short and fat. The other is thin, but shortsighted.

Double lenses. Type owl, do you know?

What Ah, I see.

All right. Ciao, Zizi!

She's also is busy?

No, they're all free...

But when I start describing you, they make excuses.

But if you, describes so ...

"Owl type," he says!!

But I cannot compromise my reputation!

I cannot sell a dead.

Calboni sorry, could you not be at least lighter with the next one?

- ...What next one? - What next, the last one was Zizi.

- How, Zizi? - Watch out, disgraces can happen.

Well?

I finished my ones. And yours!?

No, no, no, sorry...

- El Contable Fantozzi was... - Oh God...

- What's happening "puccettone? - "Lost...! I've lost them!

Oh God! I've lost them!

My savings...

So we said: Accountant fantozzi put in the place,

I brought the alcohol, the rest was up to you.

Ok, just a moment. Let's see...

Oh, what an idiot! Why did I not think about it earlier?

- What? - The "Hippopotamus"!

is it a girl who's...

No, it's a club!

it's full of nice lonely ladies, who go there looking for company...

Let's go! Taxi!

- Which are the first three? - Why three?

One each, no? You live only once!

Taxi!

Hi, babe!

bab... sorry, miss.

- Is the action started? - we are the first in.

She meant they were the first clients in 3 months.

- People is coming! - C'mon girls, get ready!

They are all high class, girls from the high bourgeoise.

- Ah! - There's also some big name around.

But they are incognito. Club's rule.

Here, no names, only telephone numbers.

- Got it? - You choose and call ...

A "drink", gentlemen?

Do you want to drink?

We brought a bottle...

Don't be stupid! You bring the bottles from home?

we'll take 3 "scotch", please.

What do we drink, Calboni?

Three "scotch".

I meanwhile ...

"Scotch"...

Yes?

Lady Ten, Will you grant an appointment, say ...

on the dancefloor, say in 5 seconds?

- Ok. - see you soon.

You see? C'mon, try it yourselves.

Thank you, Countess. Thank you, dear. So beautiful!

So? Will you choose.

- Me? - S�.

Filini, n.3 is looking at us...

N. 1 too!

And n. 5!

Accountant, they are all watching us.

Accountant, say a number.

- Me. - S�.

Ah, ah, ah... 180!

Too much, they're only 12!

Eh, I like n.5...

Damn, I like n. 5 too!

- You can have her! - No, no, no, she's yours.

No please! Go on.

- Stay calm. - I've got sweatty hands.

Here! I make the number.

Gypsy Violins on the dancefloor.

Miss, if only ...

I had the chance ...

To find...

A person that can understand me, I could do anything...

- how is it going with yours? - She's a bit tall...

Better. I think they are ready to come by you.

Do you think so?

Bravo! Bravo! Thank you guys!

Good night, let's go.

- The bill, sir... - S�.

Good, put everything on my account...

What account?

Well, send it to my place...

What place?

They will settle for now. We'll calculate later the shares.

- In the meantime I talk to the girls. - Are you going to settle this?

Ah, sorry.

Excuse me...

�649 thousand liras...

Plus 18% service cost.

Four years of sacrifices.

In addition, finally Calboni dropped the mask about the "ladies".

I arranged for 50,000 liras per girl. A good deal, right?

Do you want money?

Why? How much is left in the Box?

With Filini's 8000 liras we have...

- 52000 liras. - Damn! It's enough only for mine.

pok, give them here. my one wants her money in advance.

Sorry about that, they are 2 trashy good for nothing.

C'mon,Let's go. Taxi!

How do you call a taxi here? Taxi!

this time he ordered 9 taxi

In average, 2 and 1/4 per person.

- Calboni! - Settle the bill please,

- ...We'll settle ourselves later. - But how? I haven't got anything...

Who's going to settle here? Calboni!

- I do not have a ... - Who is going to pay here?

Wait a minute.

Filini!

Say, Accountant!

- Please fix the bill! - Me?

yeah, we'll settle between ourselves later.

What do I do?

Accountant Fantozzi, don't leave me like this!

Filini spent the rest of the night in first aid ...

At Our Immaculate Lady Hospital.

Fantozzi instead spent the night in the foyer of his home.

It's 7:00!. Pina, coffee, the newspaper, the mail!

Good morning, Ms. Silvani of Calboni ...

- What brings you h... - Where is my husband?

I haven't understood the question.

Where's that pig?

- Surveyor Calboni? - Exactly.

Surveyor Calboni has... taken a detour and went away.

How good And what were you doing lying here like a watchdog?

Oh, every Saturday it's my turn...

- Here in the condo, lots are drawn ... - Do not be a clown, Fantozzi!

You know very well he is with a woman!

And you are covering him! you pimp, scoundrel!

"Fantocci", don't be a clown, open this door!

...I don't have the keys.

How, is this not your place?

This? No, this... eh... I...

He locked himself in.

- Pig! - You're a pig, Calboni!

You made her cry! Open!

...made her cry. Pig!

- "Fantocci"... - Fantozzi...

- "Fantocci"... - "Fantocci"...

"Fantocci", be a man, and break that door down.

I break it down...

It did not work. I try again.

- What are you doing? - The door is new.

Push it properly. Let's go over there.

- Give it a good push. - S�.

Take career as a gazelle. Well, well. Attack as a battering ram.

Like this...

Banzai!

Yeah, I'm coming...

He had fallen squarely on bus n. 77 from 5:26 am...

Which brought him back home at 6:13,

after a tour of the city.

Pig!

Ah, it's you Fantozzi?

I thought that pig had come back.

Also, you come in like that, without warning...

Forgive me, I did not want to frighten you.

Why do you make that face? I did not kill you.

It was very light.

Yes, that's because it was a vase of "blown"

glass from Murano, my wife's, very valuable.

But don't worry, we have 2 of them.

Ms Silvani de Calboni.

Don't call me like this, I don't want to hear his name!

I will not do that again,

But this is the last...

it's better I put it somewhere safe. Sorry, ms.

Fortunately it's safe...

So now can I call you again...

Miss Silvani...

like the good old times?

- Do you know what he did? - No.

Do you know? Not only he cheated on me.

But he fled like a coward,

And he left me there with that energumena.

Do you know what she did?

She broke the umbrella on my head!

I know, it was my wife's umbrella. The only.

But this has been the drop that broke the vase.

There are no more vases! Oh, I thought...

that you had a modern marriage, and happy.

It has been the biggest mistake of my life.

A tragedy!

- A fiasco! - Miss!

Miss!

what are you doing?

I... was kissing the hand.

Fortunately I' m still young, and beautiful,

to build my life again.

You are very beautiful.

Enough! You know what I' ll do?

- No. - I' m going to sleep at the hotel!

- Bravo! - You know what else?

I' ll leave my job, get my liquidation. And I

will run away with the first one passing by.

what...Why...?

What are you saying?

Why with the first one passing by?

Miss...

I' m also tired of this life.

I can also take my liquidation.

I' m also young and pleasant enough...

Miss, I need only a word from you.

not even that,

because silence meas consent.

Miss, let me hug you!

This time was n. 102 that goes around the hills.

So Fantozzi had all the time to make a list...

of all possible solutions for their new life.

""Croupier" in Casablanca, drummer in Harlem,

hippie in Nepal. At the end, he left the choice...

To his companion.

- let' s go to Capri. - What for?

As a honeymoon.

Then we'll see.

Accountant, what are you doing! Get a move!

It was the last card of his life.

Fantozzi, marked it with indifference. As always.

With the same style, trying not to show ...

Any emotion, he had the last meal with his family.

Well...

I' m going...

To buy cigarettes...

S�, Ugo.

No, don' t...

- Ill be back, Straight away. - S�.

Cigarettes? But dad does not smoke!

he has decided to try.

Hopefully he' ll stop soon...

Miss, imagine that in eleven hours ...

11 hours and 40 minutes, at the most,

We' ll be in Naples.

When I went there on honeymoon, It took only an hour and twenty ...

In a Mercedes Spider 2800.

Because Calboni is what will be, but knows a lot about cars.

Why, with Calboni went Honeymoon ...

In Capri?

Why? Where it' s good to go on honeymoon?

I don' t know... We could have gone to Venice!

Venice is so obvious...

It does not matter... what matters is...

To break with one' s past.

No, the important thing is arrive in time to last ferry.

Hurry, Fantozzi!

Be quick!

move the wheel!

faster!

Brake! Brake!

Brake!

Calboni is what will be,

but the day I came here with him, The day was superb!

The heat was like in Africa!

Ok, But Miss...

that was in July...

Today it' s the 20th of December.

I bet Calbonidid not even suffer dizziness...

You can say what you want about Calboni ...

but he endure sea as a battleship.

Don't tell me you' re going to throw up?!

No, no, no! I...

I am an aircraft carrier. An aircraft carrier!

An aircraft carrier!

Excuse me.

Man overboard! Man overboard!

To overcome Calboni,

Fantozzi chose the most luxurious hotel in Capri.

Also because, it was the only one open during winter.

- The bags, please. - Who is it?

- The bags! - Take these hands ...

Scoundrel! Bastard!

- Thief! - Give me back my stuff!

Excuse sorry ...

How violent you become with subordinates, Fantozzi.

i go to sit down, You go to the reception.

At your service, ma'am.

Good morning, sorry ...

Do you happen to have a Single Room for two?

We only have apartments sir.

How much?

- 60000. - Not more?

Fantozzi thought he meant 60000 per month.

We are in low season, sir.

The suite with sea view costs 80,000, sir.

Sir, if you want something special, we have the royal suite...

100 thousand.

- I take it! It' s mine! - Very well.

Do not give it away.

Now I give you my documents... Passport...

Of Ms... of Miss.

- I pay now. - Please afterward. After.

- Accompany him. - Payment after?

- Please. - Thanks.

- No problem. - Is the key?

An apartment like this per 100000, is worthy of the "Arabian Nights".

No big deal.

- This is the bedroom. - Not bad.

- With 2 bathrooms. - Of course.

It' s almost vulgar...

What happens?

- La llave en el pie... - Bien.

- The key in the foot ... - Well.

For dinner would you like the salon, or do you prefer to have it served here?

Here, with candlelight! An intimate dinner in the bedroom.

No, look, for me neither here or downstairs ..

I could not eat a caper tonight.

My only dream is to be inside this bed.

In the bed? No capers,

I don' t want them either! Go away!

Miss...

Ugo Fantozzi, What got into your head?

- What? - Calboni was who he was...

but to be gentle, on the first night...

he slept in a different room. Do you want to do less than him?

S�. I meant, no!

- Then go to sleep in a different room - S�.

- Go, understood? - S�.

Good night.

- What do you want now? - ... My hand!

- What? - I left my hand...

In the room!

But I can leave it there tonight...

No, take it back.

And do not bother me anymore!

First day, in the morning. Tragic "shopping" to find the...

Caprese fisherman clogs, that looked very good on Calboni.

I love them!

You look unsure. Can you walk with them?

S�, s�, Miss, I can walk quite well.

Nearly as...

Fucking hell!

How are you doing?

Well! Very well!

Fantozzi!

Why not enter between the Strait cliffs?

Always did that!

Is this yours?

Yes, bring it to the Royal suite.

What? Where am I?

Oh, in the bedroom!.

- Miss! - yes!

- Where are you? - Here.

How are you doing?

Painting my lips.

Pin in the lips?

No, Fantozzi. Painting my lips.

Miss...

But I slept... Good morning...

In the bedroom?

- S�, s�. - How come?

S�, Fantozzi.

- What? - Everything.

- What!? - We did everything, Fantozzi.

miss...

I feel like angels singing.

always a poet, Fantozzi.

But Miss, I...

Do not remember anything...

That' s better, Fantozzi.

C'mon.was what he was...

But at this time he was in the pool.

Let' s go.

At the pool then.

Miss, now a bath, in memory of Calboni!

Waiter apologize, How's the pool's water?

What water!?

�Fantozzi! What do you do?

Come, Miss, do not be afraid. It's low, I feel the bottom.

Towards evening, Fantozzi attempted a desperate revenge.

I hear the sea!

You hear it and I'm there,

Because a dive like this...

Acapulco style, I' m sure Calboni did not do it.

Is it not too high for you?

Don' t worry Miss. There' s a boat down there...

Waiting in case... Here I go!

Virgin of the divers...

I see you've had a beautiful day ...

But this is my clothes.

And these shoes?

Sorry whose are those shoes?

Husband of Mrs... he came to spend the holidays with her.

they are already celebrating.

Already.. celebrating...

How long did it take for you to come!

Ya no aguantaba m�s. Chin-chin, my love.

Si, si, chin-chin, chin-chin. But swear...

That cockroach never touched you.

But of course I swear!

He believes I did let him. He fell for it like an idiot.

I pity him.

"Repairing the bottom of the pool, Mayor Penon arrangement ...

Compensation...

damages to the premises of the square by destruction of relics ...

four orderlies services, one recovery room ...

almost new boat completely destroyed ...

Accommodation of Ms and mr Calbony till Epiphany.

Will you pay cash?

promissory notes!

They were akilo and 250 grams, to be paid in 3 months.

Fantozzi signed them with icy indifference.

As he had already decided to kill himself...

Jumping from Thiberius cliff.

He had been fished by a fishing boat from Torre Anunziata...

re-sold him to "Findus" and offered for sale...

As frozen bass .

Merry Christmas, ma'am. What do you want?

- Merry Christmas. I want that. - That one?

Two good slices?

�No, no, no! I want it whole.

All of it!

How much is by Kg?

Ugo...

You' ll see, everything will get better.

Also at the Office.

And if not, it does not matter.

The only thing that matters, is that you love us.

Do you love us?

Do you love us, dad?

Ok, at the end...

Who cares!

Oh God!

Ugo, are you hurt?

Ugo, My love.

Buon natale!

Hello? Yes, it' s me. Who' s there?

Who?

Is this a joke?

It wasn't.

It was really the Mega Galactic President himself.

Dear Fantozzi, First of all, Happy Christmas.

I have before me your request for readmission and his file.

Sorry if I disturb the privacy of your home on this holy night ...

but I spend here in my office, because for me work ...

is a prayer.

I need to talk to you for a moment.

Sit down and listen.

So, dear fantozzi, do you accept?

Fantozzi, are you here?

- I' ll accept anything! - But how?

You haven't even heard what I said.

I accept anything!

I surrender unconditionally!

Then come, Fantozzi dear...

What? Are you afraid?

But we love you so much.

That' s why I am afraid... 1349

Let's kill the fat calf!

Me?

No, you are the prodigal son.

the lost sheep who came back to our corral.

We say, welcome back.

thanks, will, you take me back?

Of course!

My old position?

No, we cannot do that. 1359

- Meaning? - That is,

Apart from our forgiveness...

we offer you the purifying joy of earning your position.

You' ll start from the lower step,

we take you back as lightning rod...

...lightning.

Fantozzi! Fantozzi!

I wish you a good work!

Dear Accountant!

And I recommend: Don' t be sad.

Laugh!. Laugh! Work is bliss.

Work is happiness!

That's it. So!

Let's go to work then!

Bravo! Good luck, Fantozzi!