Original subtitles

[device beeping]

Uh…

[Sara] Uh, you need some help with that, Mick?

Maybe you should just, you know, take it easy.

I'm pregnant, not paralyzed.

[beeps]

Yeah. Okay. Well, do your thing.

[sighs] Are you sure this is the right spot?

-I'm just following the beeps. -Then why are we going in circles?

Maybe the tracker's busted.

[hums fanfare] Moment of truth.

[exhales]

And that is not right.

Oh, what's up, squire? What's wrong? Why you crying?

-[sighs] They're soggy in the middle. -Maybe I can help.

Fiery flames. Burning blazes. Infernal conflagrations.

[shrieks]

Dude.

Sorry about that, Behrad. Guess I just don't know my own strength lately.

Let me make it up to you.

Cannabis edible, euphoria incredible, brain matter bendable!

No. Please don't fire a spell at my brain.

Poof!

Yeah, good point.

You're feeling mighty magical this morning. Almost overcharged.

I feel astounding.

Where's Zari? I want to share this with her.

Sorry, my friend.

My sis swapped places with Flannel Zari who's currently on a date with Nate.

And you just missed the pod squad too.

So, Nate is with the Zari that lives in a Totem.

That seems very problematic. Where's he taking her?

Watch the Beatles perform live?

Maybe the fabled pleasure domes of Kublai Khan.

Great outdoors. Nothing beats Mother Nature.

Yeah, I feel like we've seen all the nature.

Yeah.

In all seriousness, I am very glad to be here with you.

We're almost there.

Look, I know you only have 24 hours before you have to go back into the Totem.

Right. 24 hours.

So I just want to spend some time together, you know, with no distractions.

-Yes, I would like that too. -[man] Hello, neighbors.

Looks like campsite's double-booked. That's okay. We love company.

-I'm Jeff. This is Jamie. -Rock 'n' roll.

[rock music playing]

Yeah.

Yeah. We kinda got it all, as you can see.

Who wants dogs?

[Nate] Oh, uh…

You know what, Jeff? We're gonna go off on our own. Thanks.

[slurping]

[device beeps]

-[beeps rapidly] -[Mick] Aha!

[Sara] Oh!

[sighs in exasperation]

Last pod in the timeline and it's a total dud.

Wait. There's something inside.

-Nothing's happening. -[Mick] Here. Could be dangerous.

Ah, it's one of those puzzle things. You gotta solve it to open it.

-Hey, I'm not done yet. -Give me that.

[grunts] No, I can do it.

Hey, babe, I think we're, uh, gonna be a while.

Take all the time, babe. There's seriously no rush.

-[gasps loudly] -[gasps]

-Oh! No. -What?

It's bad luck to see you in your wedding dress before the big day.

It's not bad luck. I'm not marrying you, Gary.

And besides, this isn't the one. It makes me feel, I don't know, not right.

Stop whatever you are doing. No, no, no. Okay?

-I have a job for you. Yeah? -[breath trembling] Anything.

You're gonna help me find the perfect wedding dress.

Oh!

-Give it to me. -Give this--

-Let go. -I got it.

Guys, can we please just get it together? Give me the damn--

Where the hell are we?

One minute we're in a gross junkyard,

the next we're in a gross bowling alley.

-Spooner, are you getting something? -This place… Major alien vibes.

-I don't see any aliens. -I got a bad feeling about this.

The sooner we get out of here, the better.

[gasps]

[gasping]

Whoa. Where is everything?

I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.

[theme music playing]

-So we've been abducted by aliens. -[Sara and Spooner] Again.

-Ava? B? Can you guys hear us? -[beeping]

Courier isn't working either. Wherever we are, we're stuck.

Okay, well, if these guys are aliens, maybe we can bum a ride home.

-Yeah, sure. Go for it. -[bowling pins crashing]

I'm gonna see if this guy knows anything.

Thanks for catching me.

But I think I'd rather you let me die than spend another minute here.

I'm taking a leak.

[scoffs]

-Hi, um, sir… -The name's Buddy. What's your shoe size?

I'm not here to bowl, but I was hoping you could tell me how the hell I got here.

I would wager you opened an invitation.

-No, I didn't get an invitation. -Shiny. Irresistible.

Drags your ass across the universe instantly.

Okay, yeah, maybe I did. Damn it. The Puzzle Box.

How do we get back to Earth?

Earth? But you just got here.

And I'm so happy you did. Because I bet you're incredible bowlers.

Why's that?

Bowling was invented by Earthlings after all.

Everyone else here just looks human.

-Why don't I show you around? Come on. -Okay.

[exhales quickly] Coming down to the wire, folks.

[laughs]

Sorry to bother you,

but my friends and I are stranded and we're looking for a ride back to Earth.

Earth, huh? Yeah, sure, we'll give you a ride.

But you and your friends have got to beat us in a game first.

-We're kind of on a tight schedule. -Oh, come on. What's one game?

Unless, of course, you're afraid of losing.

[bowlers laugh]

I can roll with anyone.

Then how about we spice things up a little and play a game of Cosmic Bowling?

Is that with the neon balls and the black lights? [chuckles]

Yeah, that ain't really my thing.

All I'm saying is if you want to get a ride out of here,

you got to roll against us.

All right then. Game on.

I was hoping you'd say that.

Cute trick. But it's what you do on the lanes that counts.

Once we're through putting these red shirts out of their misery,

you're next.

[snickers]

[laughing]

The guidebook said we should be able to see the Northern Lights,

but… I can't see a single star.

Huh! Maybe it's too cloudy.

Listen, I know this is super on brand, but I'm feeling kind of hungry.

Hungry, you say? Hmm.

Well, I happen to have made your favorite

Persian delicacy, abgoosht.

-[chuckling] What? -Yep.

And for dessert, the very exotic donuts.

It's very sweet.

No.

-This must be Spooner's bag. -Oh, that makes sense.

-The only food in here are MRE rations. -Maybe they're super delicious.

Want to try it?

[woman] Rock and roll!

-[couple moaning in pleasure] -[rock music playing on stereo]

-Is that what I think it is? -Yep.

[sighs]

[woman] Rock and roll!

What's the point of unplugging if all your camping gear has a cord?

Meanwhile, we're out here trying to squeeze in one date

before I turn into a Totem pumpkin,

and they're over there with all the carefree time in the world.

-I'm jealous of those two idiots. -Me too. It's insane.

That's it. That's it. We're getting another campsite.

-Yeah, that's good. -Gideon? Gideon.

[beeping]

-[beeping continuously] -Oh.

-My Time Courier's going nuts. -Yeah.

Something's wrong. Something's wrong.

It's funny. It even smells like a bowling alley.

Yep. I included everything you'd find in a bowling center on Earth.

That's how much I love bowling, the greatest sport in the universe.

I'm sorry. You created this place?

Does that mean you were the one who sent out the invitations?

I had nothing to do with those cursed invitations.

That's the work of the Pin Killers. The guys in the purple shirts.

They came here and ruined my little bowling paradise.

I need you to beat them.

They're the top dogs now,

and you only get one game to try to knock them off.

So don't challenge them until your team is ready.

Guess what. I found us a ride home.

All we got to do is just beat those aliens in those ugly purple shirts. We got next.

[Zari] Hey, will you hand me that?

Mmm. Just need to adjust the frequency.

[man on radio] The sun is missing. It's night everywhere on Earth.

Massive unexplained chasms appeared in Mexico, Canada and Alaska.

-We're in Alaska. -Who did this? Aliens? Demons?

Did God give up on us? Either way, it's the end of the world.

We're all gonna die. We're all gonna die. We're all gonna die.

Alaska, Canada.

-They're gone. They're just gone. -Nate…

I think the world is ending.

We need to get out of here.

This is one of the top five worst dates I've ever been on.

We're all gonna die. We're gonna die. We're all gonna die.

[rock music continues]

Jamie and I can go anywhere in the world

and I can still blaze us a Neapolitan pizza at 800 degrees.

-Supes quick. Ha-ha! -That's so fantastic, Jeff.

Yeah, the char on this is something else.

-Hmm… Hmm. -Hmm?

[clears throat] Say, Jeff-- Sorry. Bro.

Can I borrow your truck supes quick

so we can go into town and pick up some stuff?

Uh…

-Sure. What are neighbors for? -There's a bro.

Hey, why don't we all go?

-No. -Rock and roll.

-[Zari] No, no, no. -Yeah.

Nate, you're riding shotgun. Boys in the front.

Oh, my God.

[rock music continues]

-[engine sputters] -[music stops]

Battery's dead.

I don't know, Jeff. Maybe all your devices drained it.

Well, good luck, guys.

Where are you going?

-We're heading into town. -Great. We'll come with.

Maybe we can find some folks to jump the truck battery.

Rock and roll.

Looks like we're hiking.

All right. Enough of this ding dong dallying waiting around.

I say we get out there and we find Sara and her gang.

I'm sure they could use a magical assist.

Come to think of it, we haven't heard from them in a while.

Gideon, let's go visit Sara. Kansas City, 2021.

[Gideon] Calculating, calculating.

That is impossible at this time.

Come on. You're Gideon. Everything's possible.

[Gideon] I'm sorry. I'm having trouble locking onto Earth.

Never seen that before.

I came looking for my summer wedding inspo binder,

but did Gideon just say we can't get back to Earth?

-Yeah. -This is bad.

Ava cannot be marooned in the Temporal Zone away from Sara.

-This could be triggering. -Calm down. Just breathe.

Keep Ava occupied. We'll figure something out. Right, John?

Oh! Most assuredly.

All right, team. We are stranded on the edge of the universe

and the only way out is to beat the Pin Killers.

-Question. -Yes.

-I don't bowl. -I don't either, but how hard can it be?

Pretty sure you just pick it on up and then we just roll it on down.

Nice, Sara.

Well…

What can I say? Guess I'm a natural. Mick, let's see what you got.

All right.

Right. It's gonna be good. It's gonna be great.

Go. Just-- Right on. Whatever feels natural.

Nice and smooth. Okay.

Wrong lane, but, hey, you got some pins, right?

If you lose the gloves, you'll drop more pins.

-Watch and learn. -Here you go. Oh. Okay.

Ah, we got a standard house oil pattern. A bit chilly, so the lanes will be slick.

We got a dip in the 16th board.

[sighs]

[inhales]

[salsa music playing]

[grunts]

-Yeah. -What the hell was that?

I learned the art of bowling when I was 13. Kept me out of trouble.

The footwork concentrates my mojo.

You keep that mojo concentrated. Nice moves.

All right, Astra. Lace them up. Let's go.

I am not putting my feet in those fungus-filled shoes

or my fingers in those fungus-filled holes.

All right. Then you can cheer us on from that fungus-filled chair.

-You're just gonna let her skip? -Whatever she wants.

[pins crashing]

[sighs]

I'm getting a good feeling about this one.

It is amazing.

This is the one. I'm sure of it.

Okay. Well, I can't show Sara, obviously, but I can tell her that it's done. Gideon.

Actually…

Uh… You're fine with the shoulders?

Um… The shoulders? Yeah. What's wrong with them?

Nothing at all. It's your wedding. As long as you're fine with it.

Gary, spit it out.

They're a little plain. They lack pizzazz.

-Pizzazz? -Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah. Now that I look at them, they do seem really boring.

Well, I mean, they're not that bad.

Gary, what am I gonna do? I can't get married in plain shoulders.

Gideon?

We're gonna need some alterations.

So you're saying we're stuck?

[Gideon] Every time I plot an exit vector, it fails to reach Earth.

My safety protocols do not allow us to attempt a doomed jump. So, yes.

[inhales]

Right. Like John Henry, I will prevail where the machine could not.

-How? -I will compel the ship to Earth.

Whoa! Sounds big, even for you.

Well, I am feeling invigorated, squire.

I need you to bring me the four elemental aspects of our world.

Earth, Fire, Air and Water. All right?

Got it. Hey.

Maybe your powers are growing stronger

since you drank from the Fountain of Imperium.

Oh, yeah, the Fountain. That's right. Good.

Well, hop to it, Skippy.

Final frame.

[Pin Killers cheering]

Red Shirts, game over.

-Oh! Another one bites the dust. -Pin Killers can't be stopped.

[laughing]

And now you're mine.

-You don't have to do this, Mike. -You won. Isn't that enough?

Well, here's the thing. I do it for the trophies.

-You're a bastard, Mike. -Yeah, well…

[Mike snickering]

[all snickering]

They have a lot of balls.

That whole team just vaporized into thin air.

Yeah. And I'm guessing that's what's gonna happen to us if we lose too.

I hope you're warmed up.

Because Mike the Strike says it's game time.

[snickers]

I can't tell you how many trucks I've had to abandon,

and in some of the most scenic places on Earth.

-So you and Jeff are big campers, huh? -Rock and roll.

Right. Of course. Rock and roll.

I get the vibe that you and Nate are doing the long-distance thing.

I didn't know we gave off that vibe, but yeah, we are.

-And you two can handle the distance? -Yeah, Jamie, we can handle distance.

Well, if you can stand to be apart,

doesn't that just kind of prove you don't need to be together?

-What? No. -I'm sorry if I touched a nerve.

It's just that's what all the magazines say.

You didn't touch a nerve. It's fine. I'm fine.

Nate and I are fine. Our relationship is fine.

Our vibe is very fine. Everything is fine. Yeah.

-Everything all right back there? -Fine.

Rock and roll.

All right, everyone. We've got ourselves a game of Cosmic Bowling.

The Pin Killers versus the Legends.

Ten frames. Ten pins. And 60 feet of wood.

May your rolls be true.

-All right, Buddy. -You've got this, Murph.

[all cheering]

-That's my Murph. Murph the Curve. -All right, baby.

[grunting]

Yeah.

[Pin Killers laughing]

Clare the Spare always picks up the spare. Always.

Lose the gloves, Mick. Have respect for the game.

Quiet.

[snickering]

Yes, yes.

That's it, that's it. Just keep doing your thing. You're doing your thing.

[all laughing]

-What did I tell you, Mick? -Shut up.

If we don't get those two to play nice, we may never get out of here.

I think you've almost nailed it. I'm thinking lace.

-Perfect. -Yeah?

Yes, lace. It brings out your skin tone. Bigger with the veil.

Um…

Aww!

-Okay, so we're good. -Nope.

-What? -You need something floral.

-We're done. -I love it. What about a bustle?

All right. I got them all.

Oh, excellent. We make a good team, Smokey.

John, when you started dating my sister, I was worried you'd be a bad influence.

I mean, most people you date end up dead or worse.

But I can see how much you've changed, for the better.

You're a good man, John Constantine.

Well, I am glad to hear it, mate. Now, shall we begin?

[grunts]

Earth.

Water.

Fire.

[grunts]

Air.

You okay?

[screaming]

It's gorgeous. Very on-trend.

[loud rumbling]

What the hell was that?

-Gary? -It's nothing to worry about.

-I'm sure you'll see Sara again. -What? What happened to her?

It's more what happened to us.

What the hell is going on?

Well, we were stuck in the Temporal Zone because Gideon couldn't find Earth.

And now, well, we're not in the Temporal Zone at least. Trippy dress, Ava.

That's not what I was going for, Behrad.

Why did no one tell me we were stuck? Gary?

I was trying to distract you so you wouldn't be upset.

So where the hell are we?

I cast a spell to bring us to Earth. It's here somewhere.

Wait, wait, wait. There is something out there.

We're at a floating bowling alley in space.

Thank you, everyone here, for making my day about a floating bowling alley.

You dumdums stay here.

Hi. Hello? Hi.

-Ava? -Sara, you're here.

What's with the bowling shirt?

I'll tell you about the bowling shirt if you tell me about this wedding dress.

Wedding-- [gasps]

Oh, my God. I forgot that I was wearing it.

I was so mad at Gary because he didn't tell me--

-Babe, you look gorgeous. -Really?

-Yes. -Why won't these fricking doors open?

Could we get a little help here, please?

League champs took control of those doors. No one enters without an invitation.

[sighs]

What is that sweet man talking about?

Uh, when we tracked down that last pod,

we found this device and it zapped us here.

And now the only way for us to leave is for us to beat

this team of alien bowlers who are surprisingly good.

How did you find us?

Gideon couldn't find Earth,

so Constantine cast a spell to bring the Waverider to Earth

and it brought us here.

What? So you're saying that Earth is in this bowling alley?

I guess. Who would be a cruel enough jerk to hide the Earth in this bowling alley?

Oh! You've got to be kidding me.

Hey, look at that.

Light. See that, Zari? Daylight. Maybe everything will be fine.

Yeah. Maybe everything will be fine. Or maybe we're doomed.

Wait. What?

[loud rumbling]

What the hell is that?

Earthquake.

[cheering]

-Everyone okay? -What the hell is going on?

What was that thing?

What?

Whoa!

Whoa!

[Zari] Where is everything?

-Hey? -It's the end of the world.

Jamie, I can't die without you knowing the truth.

I got a secret vasectomy, and that's why you never get pregnant.

[whispering] No!

-Are you frigging kidding me? -Baby.

Not rock and roll, Jeff. Not rock and roll at all.

If we have kids, we won't be able to afford our stuff, right?

Wait. Where are you going?

Into town. To find someone whose truck works.

Wait.

[exhales]

That's rough.

Hey, am I a bad person if I found that very enjoyable?

-No, no, no. They're terrible people. -Okay, good.

[rumbling]

Totally off topic, but does that cloud look like Mick to you?

[groans]

You know, from here, you can tell how fragile and beautiful it really is.

[Mike] Coming through.

-[Sara] Hey, take it easy! -[grunting]

So you're literally bowling with planet Earth?

That's why it's called Cosmic Bowling.

You go mano-a-mano for the survival of your species

and if you lose, you and your entire home planet get banished

to our trophy shelf for eternity.

[snickers]

Wow! That's godlike power.

I'm not a god.

I'm just an average Joe who loves to bowl, and destroy countless worlds.

[man laughs] Yes, Mike.

Buddy, if this is your place, why don't you just kick them out of here?

Can't. Rules say they can stay as long as they're champs.

Now they've taken root and taken over.

It's your fault we're playing this dumb game.

[Buddy] Place is full of bad energy now.

At least I was being proactive and trying to get us out of here.

Be less proactive.

[Buddy] They made the game so competitive, no one wants to play here.

-This team is falling apart. -Hey, yo. Come on, Legends.

What are you waiting for? You got a game to lose. Let's get going.

They turned my bowling alley into a bullying alley.

Game on.

[snickers]

Damn it.

-You're not listening to anything I say. -I am listening.

I'm just choosing to ignore you.

-Bowling's stupid. -Bowling is not stupid, you ignorant lug.

You can't control the ball if your fingers aren't in the hole. See?

[groans]

You son of a… Oh, my God. I think I jammed it.

-Son of a… -That's gotta hurt.

Time-out. We're at time-out.

-Let's take a walk. Come on. -Pathetic.

[Sara] I'll get you some ice and we'll do something.

Okay, let's get ice. We'll get some ice. All right.

[wincing]

-Why did we come back here? -We need a plan.

Okay. Plan. I'll Steel up.

You use your wind power. Shoot me like a bullet--

-No. We need a plan for us. -Us, us?

Yeah. You know, I was thinking about it

and I just want to give us a chance to end things amicably.

What? The world is ending and you want to have a relationship talk now?

Just trying to be mature and pragmatic.

Look, Zari, I know we're gonna have to spend time apart,

like, a lot, so the timeline doesn't collapse,

but the time we do spend together will be worth it.

-I don't know. Will it? -[rumbling]

Get your strike.

I feel like we're on this doomed path and just blindly walking towards a cliff.

All right, look. Obviously, I can see dating a woman from another timeline

that's stuck in another dimension might end bad.

Does that mean we shouldn't do it?

No. Because the alternative is way worse.

Zari, I cannot stand being away from you. It actually hurts my heart.

That is what I needed to hear.

But listen. If we're gonna save this relationship,

we need to go save the world first.

Yeah, okay.

Rock and roll.

[sighs] I just-- I need to clear my head.

Why the long face?

Well, Buddy, team's falling apart

and every human being alive is about to be annihilated.

Shame.

The way I see it,

bowling is all about bending elbows with friends and wetting your beaks.

Best bowling happens when you're not thinking at all.

Can't beat bad energy with bad energy.

You're right. I've been going about this all wrong.

Buddy, can you do me a favor?

[funky music playing]

Nachos and fries. Breakfast of champions. And a Cherry Coke for the lady.

Thank you, Buddy.

Whoa! The game isn't done yet.

The scoreboard looming over our head is stressing us out.

Besides, it doesn't matter if we win or lose if we're not a team first.

You do realize that the Earth gets destroyed if we lose, right?

Well, okay, yes, the outcome does matter,

but we're not gonna win by tearing each other apart.

I mean, guys, we're not even losing to the Pin Killers right now.

We're losing to ourselves.

And what we do from this moment on decides the fate of our planet.

So I'm asking you,

are we losers or are we Legends?

Huh? Do I have a Legend? Do I have a Legend?

There we go. That's that team spirit.

Cheers.

Here.

-There. -Thanks.

I suppose that's one good reason to keep your gloves on.

There's others. My past is not for everyone to see.

So, Astra, we're gonna need you to roll.

I've never bowled before. Not even once.

Come on. Don't you want to de-ball that Jersey Shore wannabe?

Hmm?

Welcome to the team.

Hey, I might know how you can bowl and not have to take your gloves off.

Rory. Rory. Rory.

[Sara] Ah, here he goes.

[cheering]

-That's what I'm talking about. -Come on, Astra.

-Come on, Astra. -Come on.

[Sara] Slide that in.

[laughing]

[Sara] That's all right. That's okay.

Told you this was a bad idea.

That's a great warmup. This is the one.

Breathe. Breathe.

-We'll take it. Whoo! -Let's take it. Yes, Astra.

[Rory burps]

No spare there, Clare.

[Sara] Ah, our bowling party is definitely putting a cramp in their style.

-Gary, what are their chances? -At this point?

We're gonna need a miracle.

We still don't really know what's coming from the sky.

-A middle finger. -What?

There's a dial here set to three, but it goes all the way up to--

Well, Spooner just drew a middle finger.

-Right. Okay, let's go for that. -Middle finger it is.

You got this.

-Come on, Mike. Yeah. -Come on, Mike.

Let's give it the middle finger.

[grunting]

What the hell was that?

-Poor Mikey. Mike, aww. -You missed it.

Wow! That is a lot of backdraft.

Wouldn't it have been dumb if broke up for nothing?

[beeps]

My Time Courier's working.

Go!

Oh! Looks like you guys had a fun day. Rad.

Oh, there's a whole bowling thing going on. Sort of high stakes.

Okay.

-How we doing? -It's the last shot and Astra's up.

[sighs]

-Sara, are you there? -Yeah, I'm here.

Uh…

If Gary's calculations are correct, you guys can actually win this thing.

But Astra needs to roll a strike.

Of course the stakes couldn't be any higher my first time bowling.

Look, it's gonna be all right. We need to change tactics.

It's a very classic style.

All you got to do is get right in the middle.

Nice deep bend, and roll it on through.

I left Hell to bowl granny-style? What's become of my life?

Hey, you got this, all right? You have the whole team behind you.

Here goes nothing.

[Pin Killers laughing]

Go!

Go, go, go.

[Legends cheering]

Astra!

Let's get out of here. Come on.

Hmm. You forgetting something?

How about a rematch?

Not a chance.

Let's put you back where you belong.

How about that?

I control the alley once again thanks to you, and I say it's open for everyone.

-Yeah! -Babe, you did it.

-Hey. -Hi.

-We're out of here. -Rude.

Buddy, one last favor. Another round of nachos for my friends?

-You bet. -You're the best.

Aren't you curious?

I sense in you powers both mighty and abundant.

Do you now?

Well, you have a keen eye, bowling alley denizen. A keen eye.

Powers that will be the death of you.

[funk music playing on jukebox]

-I'm sorry I called bowling stupid. -Bowling means a lot to me.

The old man who fostered me brought me to league night every week.

Helped me feel like I belonged to something.

Well, you belong with us now.

I know it's bad luck for you to see me in a wedding dress.

Babe, you looked amazing.

You look amazing in whatever you wear,

but I love you too much to let you get married in that thing.

It's great seeing folks have a good time in the bowling alley again.

How about a team photo?

Oh! Come on, come on, come on.

Okay. All right. Come on.

Say cheese.

[theme music playing]