Original subtitles

[clock radio begins playing music]

Look out, world. I have arrived.

Twenty five quid.

Oh… Uh…

I've got… two.

That will get you this.

No money, no ride.

Just get me to my house. There's money there and I can--

[cabbie] Out.

[shudders]

[Truss] Can I ask what your business is?

I reckon you're selling something if you came all the way out this way.

I… came from over there.

Oh, I see…

Oh, I'm glad the owner finally got a housekeeper.

If you've got reasonable rates,

me and the missus could use a hand at ours.

I've a collection of Bethany fixtures which need constant dusting--

-What's your name, sir? -Robert Truss. From number 220.

Well, Robert. [chuckles] I'm not the help. I live here.

We're neighbors.

-Oh! [chuckling] -[dog barking]

That's a good one, yes.

Oh, you're serious.

But, that can't be. I mean, you living in an upstanding community such as this.

You don't know anything about me.

I know the kind of people who do live here and you are not the type.

Oh, really?

So what "type" am I exactly?

What about me doesn't fit in with you upstanding residents?

Is it because I'm tall? Or female? Or Black?

You stay back. I'll not be threatened this way in my own neighborhood.

And I won't be treated like a criminal in mine.

[dog barking]

[grunts]

Oh, there you are!

I have got a list of things I need you to fix,

starting with punishing your racist neighbor.

You'll have to be more specific, and I am on the clock.

I got a bloke in an alien costume with another alien inside him

and I've got to prep my gut for a purging spell.

[splutters]

[theme music playing]

[Astra sighs]

Damn it!

Please get me out of this meat-fumed-atrocity!

What do you mean? You don't want any special sauce with that big bang burger?

Hold it right there.

-Hey, girl! -Hey.

John, where's your washing machine?

I don't need one.

You see, my clothes are bewitched to clean themselves whenever they see fit.

Your clothes have thoughts, that's kind of hot.

Creepy…

I also need the Internet.

Yes… the Internet…

I will get right to that.

I will whip up a spell in no time. I just…

-I've got to get-- -[Zari] John…

Something with… Yeah.

[sighs]

[sighs] You and your empty promises, John.

Yes, I am a US citizen, but my mother was from Northumberland

so I'm practically a local.

My background check says I'm only 15?

Okay, yeah, that's because I spent my adolescence in another dimension

where time works differently so…

[hangs up]

Hello?

[Astra grunts]

[rumbling]

[yelps]

Oh, God!

Oh, good, you're back. I need you to fix the kitchen sink and--

-What are you wearing? -Seen my emergency pack of smokes?

I knew that I left them here somewhere.

No. I still need the Internet and a job and… food, apparently.

Living topside takes work, love.

-But, you do everything with magic. -Which is work!

Bollocks!

[reciting a spell]

There you are.

Oh, thank you!

How about a spell to fix the sink?

Oh, come on, you've got to be kidding me!

You try getting a job when your last employers were the Triumvirate of Hell!

Give me my power back

or I'll have your blood drained to fill my swimming pool!

[hangs up]

[grunts in frustration]

I miss my blood pool.

Sterling silver…

European enamelware.

Hundred year old designer luggage. Okay.

Huh. Bethany table lamp.

Sorry I never learned to read music like you, Mom.

-[man] My, how the mighty have fallen. -Hello?

-Who said that? -Back right corner, my lady.

Further right.

Almost there…

And now you've got it.

Who are you?

Aleister Crowley, at your service.

But, enough about me. My concern is for you, dear girl.

What's become of the notorious Astra Logue?

-You know who I am? -Of course I do.

You are the woman who clawed her way to the tops of Tartarus.

Looks like you've discovered the hard way that you can't take that power with you.

In some ways, it's easier in Hell because there aren't any rules.

But, here there are so many and following them isn't getting me anywhere. It's…

humiliating.

A powerful queen has become a helpless princess

and Hell is lesser for it.

Look who's talking!

A renowned warlock, Satanist

and alien enthusiast trapped in a portrait.

[laughing] Touché, my lady.

That scoundrel, John Constantine, summoned me from Hell to learn my secrets.

And when he was done with me, he banished me into this blasted painting

and tossed me into this rubbish heap. Hmph!

Yeah, that sounds about right.

John made me promise to give living like a normal human being an honest go.

But, he did not prepare me for how hard it would be up here.

This house is falling apart, I'm completely broke.

And I don't know how to fix any of it.

Master Constantine has neutered us both, hasn't he?

But your predicament is easily rectified.

A simple set of spells will give you the power to change things around here.

-I can teach you how, if you'd like. -You're offering to teach me magic?

It would be my greatest honor.

[Bishop] The infamous Sara Lance. I've been waiting a long time for you.

So you must be the all powerful space lord behind all of this.

When you put it that way, I sound like a super-villain.

Such a bummer.

Not at all my speed.

-[disco music playing] -[Bishop] Oh! [chuckling]

But I have been waiting a long time to meet you, Sara.

Is it okay if I call you that?

I feel like I've known you my whole life.

Like we're old friends. Simpatico. Dancing to the same drummer.

Who the hell are you?

My name… is Bishop.

But, that means literally nothing, right? You've never heard of me.

There's no context for that label, whatsoever, but--

Who am I to you?

-[Sara groans] -Ooh, you were stung by a Zaguron.

It's venom has almost reached your heart.

You've got about ten seconds before it's lights out.

You'll have come all this way for nothing

and you'll die with no answers as to why. So--

Who am I to you?

I'm the man who's going to save all of humanity.

Starting with you and this antidote.

Five, four, three…

To you

To you

And to this great big universe We're spiraling through…

We're spiraling through… Through…

[gasps]

No, no, no, don't struggle. Your muscles need time to adjust.

-What is that stuff? -Medicine to vitalize your organs.

The transition can be tough.

-Bishop saved your life. -I don't want anything from him.

Get me out of here.

How's our patient this morning, Nurse Ava?

Pissed off and calculating the different ways she can kill you.

-Back to her old self. -Perfect.

I've got the presentation all ready for her.

Let me go.

But you haven't even seen the pitch, yet.

A/V Ava worked on it for days.

She'll be crushed if you don't give it even just a little peek.

Our planet was perfection.

It had everything carbon-based life forms needed to coexist in harmony with nature

and each other.

But, humanity would not be satisfied.

Human greed destroyed Earth and all who lived there.

Everyone perished.

Except for one man.

Me!

As a pioneer in bio-engineering, the founder of A-V-A Corp

and the designer, creator of the Ava clone,

I alone have the knowledge and means to restart humanity…

in the stars.

The problem with Earth wasn't its finite resources,

the problem was man, which is why I'm creating a new version of mankind.

One with a body that can withstand the harsh conditions of our new home

and with a spirit to adapt and thrive under any circumstance.

That is a terrible plan.

You can't save humanity

by creating a bunch of monster people like Amelia Earhart.

No one gets it right out of the gate, okay?

But, I have perfected a process

of enhancing human capabilities by adding extraterrestrial DNA.

I just needed the raw materials to work with.

That was what was in those other pods.

And that's why you kidnapped me to be raw material?

Well, if that's the case then here you go…

[spits]

There's your raw material, now take me home.

Ugh. Don't sell yourself so short, sweet cheeks.

You're here… to be my partner.

These new humans need to be taught to have a fighter spirit.

That's where you come in, Sara Lance.

You want me to teach your hybrids to be badasses?

To be their trainer?

Who better to imbue those qualities than you, the woman who can't be killed?

[Nurse Ava] There you go.

-I know it's a lot to take in, sweetie. -Don't call me that, ever.

Right. Because of the bossy Ava you're attached to, back on Earth?

She's not "Bossy Ava."

She's Ava and she's human and she has her own thoughts.

[chortles] You may believe that,

but all Avas have affinities and weaknesses

that I built into their genetic blueprint.

Hey…

You found and fell in love with one of my greatest accomplishments.

It's as though the universe knew to bring us together.

You're a sick son of a bitch.

Think about my offer.

We've got all 15 seasons of Wynonna Earp cued up for you, so…

Take all the time you need

Season two's my favorite.

Here you go.

["Wynonna Earp" opening theme playing]

Transformation is the most vital cornerstone of the dark arts.

To do this spell, twist your wrist in the direction of the object

and visualize what you want your object to change into.

Little more fluid…

That's almost it. Try again…

Just tell me the damn words.

[clears throat] Permuto!

Permuto!

[Crowley] My stars! You're a natural.

Well, my mother was a powerful witch.

[Crowley] Well, you've made her proud, dear girl.

Smashing job. But, that was an easy one.

You know, "permuto" has several meanings in Latin.

One is "to transform," but the other is "to exchange."

If you provided an able body with whom I could change places,

I'd be able to teach you with greater expediency.

So, some poor fellow will be trapped in the painting and you'd have a body

you could use to stab me in the back.

-Nice try. -I wouldn't dream of it.

No, I promise the spell is easy to do and easy to undo if you so wish.

So, it's the same spell, just a different intention?

If I could nod, that's what I'd be doing right now.

All we need is a body for me to borrow.

[Constantine] Astra? You home, love?

What's all this? What the hell is he doing down here?

I'm teaching this brilliant young lady how to use magic.

Like you said, John.

Life topside takes work and this is me getting to it.

Magic is a slippery slope. All right, love?

Your mother knew that, that's why she got out of it.

I mean, she left me because I wouldn't give it up.

She wouldn't want this for you, all right?

You don't get to speak for her or tell me how to live my life.

-Well, you are in my home, aren't you? -Okay, so now this is your house.

I mean, how about when it was falling apart

and the bills weren't being paid. Was it your house then too?

God, you're such an insufferable hypocrite.

[Crowley] She's got you there, old chap.

Sneaky old bastard, preying on her desperation.

Whose fault was that?

-You're a vile old snake. -Unhand me.

I should've locked you in the cellar where no could've found you.

Put him down. Put him down!

Permuto!

What the bloody hell?

[in Crowley's voice] My word!

It actually worked.

-Brilliant job, dear girl. -Astra, put us back!

Permuto!

Oh, damn!

Easy to do, easy to undo.

-Astra, don't-- -Permuto!

Astra!

Astra, undo this right now. Crowley is dangerous. He can't be trusted.

Bravo, dear girl! Bravo to you!

Here's the deal, you have 12 hours to stretch your legs and teach me magic.

12 hours and then back into the painting.

If you do one unsanctioned spell, it is over.

You got me?

Like the clap, my lady. Now, let's get to work, shall we?

While studying the secrets of Egypt, I learned that sorcery requires a…

fruitful imagination.

One must find potential in the dullest of things to be truly magnificent.

[reciting a spell]

[repeating the spell]

Mmm.

[reciting a spell]

Finally!

[repeating the spell]

Oh, my!

There you are, killer.

[reciting a spell]

[Crowley laughing]

I have never seen anyone take to the dark arts with such ease.

Your natural talents are unparalleled.

No one likes a kiss ass, Aleister, and I'm not extending your parole.

[Crowley] Understood, my lady.

What happened to my money?

Oh, dear girl, you didn't think that treasure was real, did you?

These transformations are but glamour, a trick.

They're effective in deception, but temporary by nature.

So, everything I just made, the money, these clothes--

Will disappear before your very eyes.

Such are the rules of beginner level magic.

What if I level up?

No, no, no, no, no. You're not ready.

It takes ruthlessness and concentration unlike any you can muster.

Oh, Al, you clearly don't know me.

Time for your check-up.

Hmm.

Vitals are good.

Just gonna check your mobility.

So, are you an Earper for Life yet?

Oh, yeah, I'm digging it. You were totally right about season two.

They really figured out what the show was and they went with it.

Well, I really hope you are a WayHaught shipper,

because if you aren't--

Listen to me carefully. You're gonna take me out of here

and help me find a power source to fuel my ship. Understood?

[chuckles] I can't do that. It's not in my DNA to disobey.

That's just what he wants you to think.

Look, the only thing that's holding you back is you.

And you, with that thing at my throat.

Just promise you'll help me escape.

Go ahead and kill me.

I'm disposable. He'll have another Nurse Ava ready by lunch.

You are a human being!

You have a soul!

You can decide for yourself what's right and what's wrong.

Look, Bishop may have created you, but he doesn't control you.

Well, at least I can verify that your mobility is working very well.

Back to bed, you.

Ava…

Please, just think about what I said.

Astra, don't fall for his tricks. He's too dangerous to be out and about.

Why do you think I trapped him in a bloody painting,

instead of sending him back to Hell?

He will go back into the painting as soon as I get what I want.

What, magic power? Astra, you don't need it, love.

Start from the bottom and work your way up like everyone else.

I am not like everyone else, John.

My bottom was a little deeper than everyone else's,

but at least down in Hell, I was a boss.

A ruler, and richer than God.

Do you have any idea how hard I worked to get there?

To go from being that traumatized, terrified little girl with nothing

to a queen?

I won't go back to nothing, John. I can't.

John, are you meddling?

Astra, please switch us back.

I didn't realize how hard it was for you.

I thought you had everything in hand. I promise, I'll help you.

John and his empty promises.

Shall I remove the distraction?

Be nice, um, ish.

Don't worry, I know exactly where to place him.

You're a right bastard, Aleister.

Trapping you in a painting was merciful.

It should have been the loo.

You're not so tough now, are you my boy?

How does it feel to be powerless?

To find yourself stripped of everything you ever worked for?

Astra and I have both felt that sting, but now we will be unstoppable.

I can finally complete my search for the fountain of Imperium,

out there in the heavens.

Don't wrap her up in your mad theories of alien magic.

The fountain is real…

and with my loyal protege at my side,

I will finally possess it.

Now…

let's bring you up to your final resting place, shall we, Johnny?

Oh, no!

Finally, we're here.

You'd think at least one of us would have this address memorized.

What? John always zaps us in and out of here.

Speaking of, where is he?

-John. -What are you all doing here?

We're out of the timeship and we need a place to regroup.

Walking around Northumberland for hours trying to find this house.

Now is really not a good time.

See, I'm in the middle of something and I just--

-Ooh, are you expecting someone? -Is it a date? Are you dating?

I'm starved, y'all. What is there to eat?

I'll make something.

Astra, where's your Wi-Fi router? I need to hook up Gideon.

Ooh, what you making? Something with ferret liver extract?

-You all need to leave, now! -And gangrene oil?

-Astra, your router. -There's nothing in the fridge. It's sad.

You won't like me when I'm hangry.

You don't have your phone?

[all speaking indistinctly]

Permuto!

Wow!

Sorry, guys.

Astra, what have you done?

I'll turn you back as soon as I'm done.

I promise.

-[screams] Let go! -Am I a flip phone?

Hey, let go!

[Crowley] Astra!

Miss Logue, I've got that chatterbox John Constantine up in the attic.

Distraction is the enemy of accomplishment.

No distractions here. Let's make some real power.

[Crowley] We'll first create a magical energy containing amulet.

Skoteenes theenamees tou seempandoes

Ke bore na thiarkesee yia heelia khronia

Yes, yes.

Brilliant work, my lady.

Your amulet is ready to be charged.

There's only one thing powerful enough to sustain this amulet…

-a human soul. -Great.

I've got Christopher Columbus, Ed Gein.

No, we'll need a live human soul. From a beating heart.

You conveniently left that off the ingredients list.

As queen of Hell, you spent millions of souls like they were pennies.

What's one more before it goes down below?

You said you wanted power. This is the price.

Hi, Robert. It's Astra Logue, your neighbor.

Anyway, I was cleaning out my attic, and wouldn't you know it,

I uncovered a Bethany lamp,

I know you have a collection, so why don't you come by and take a look?

Wonderful, see you soon.

[Behrad] Astra, are you really luring

an unsuspecting neighbor over so you can steal his soul?

My unsuspecting racist neighbor? Yeah, I sure am.

[Spooner] If y'all got a Proud Boy who needs talkin' to, let me at him.

I'll fork his eyes out.

[Agent Sharpe] Whoa, whoa! No one is going to do anything.

Astra, using humans as currency is wrong, remember?

Ow!

[Zari] Captain, what did you do with John?

Who's this weirdo possessing his body?

John is fine. Just, leave me alone.

[Nate] And let you backslide? You've come a long way since Hell.

You're one of us now.

Yeah, I don't think she wants to be grouped with the household objects,

-Cheese. -[Agent Sharpe] Not helping, Z.

[Behrad] Think about what you're doing, Astra. That guy is a human being.

He is a jerk. His soul is going to end up in Hell anyway.

[Behrad] I'm not worried about his soul. I'm worried about yours.

[doorbell ringing]

Stay out of my way.

Astra, wait. [grunts]

A little late for a check-up, isn't it?

I would have come sooner,

but I had to wait until Bishop danced himself to sleep.

I want to help you.

You do?

What you said to me earlier struck a nerve.

We are human, we do have souls,

and wants, and dreams, and opinions.

What Bishop is doing here… is an abomination.

I knew there was some of that real Ava spirit in you.

All right, the ship that I crashed in, it isn't far from here.

We just need to find something to power it up.

I brought you a fuel cell.

Look at you, thinking ahead.

Let's go.

It's much tidier in here than I thought it would be.

You cleaned up well, too.

Charming how you changed for company.

Playing posh, eh?

Here's the lamp. What do you think?

Floral mosaic, favrile glass.

It's not in stellar condition…

[Behrad] Yo! You can still back out.

-You say something? -No, must be a draft.

[Agent Sharpe] Really think about what you're doing, Astra.

-Hey! -There's that noise again.

[Nate] He's a fussy grandpa, he's not worth it.

Excuse me, while I'm just gonna tidy up a little bit.

[Zari] That condescending snob is not helping his own case.

[Truss] I think you've left the telly on.

Maybe, I'm just gonna go check.

[Agent Sharpe] Hey, put me down.

What a splendid specimen.

His bitter soul will more than suit our purposes.

Just tell me what to do!

Hold it up to his heart

and it will leech his very soul from his mortal coil.

Great.

I hope Earl Grey is okay.

Yes, that'll do.

Ah… [clears throat] Let's talk about price, eh?

I was thinking 50 pounds to take it off your hands.

Fifty? That lamp is an antique, Mr. Truss.

Oh, I know. But what would someone like you want with a dusty old lamp?

Fine, fine, 75 then.

But you better clean it up for me first. It's filthy!

To be honest,

I was thinking of making you pay a lot more than that.

What's all this, then?

Damn it. Get out of here, Mr. Truss. Now.

All right, I'll go to 80. But that's my last offer. I--

-Who the bloody hell are you? -No!

[both screaming]

[Crowley chuckling]

That's it, Crowley.

Time for you to go back to where you came from.

Permuto!

[laughing]

Those parlor tricks are no match for my newfound power.

I'm terribly disappointed in you, dear girl.

I'd hoped that you'd make yourself a Queen again.

But all you really wanted was a "Dark Prince" to come and save you.

Sadly…

you're just another "Helpless Princess."

[reciting a spell]

-[gasps] -Hello!

Why, oh, why, must I be forced to sing

Ooh!

Pity.

You would've made a smashing evil witch.

Your very harsh words They hold no sway!

Sure, you can run But you won't get away!

[laughing]

And are you going to stop me all by yourself?

Annoying Legends I tried to hide

So glad they're here They'll fight by my side!

Get him!

[all clamoring]

Charge!

Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!

Legends, roll out.

Num, num, num, num!

-[exclaiming] -This guy.

[screaming]

Hiya!

Impressive, my lady.

Transforming your friends into objects!

Lucky for me, their souls will infuse even more power into my amulet.

Now, out of my sight.

Whoa!

Ugh.

Oh, how will I ever flee from--

Nope, sorry! No more singing!

[Constantine] Oi! What the hell has Crowley done?

Since we're all trapped in a bloody cartoon,

I'm guessing he's betrayed you and is about to gain untold powers.

Oh, John, whatever shall I do?

That evil wizard is much too powerful.

He has the Legends at his mercy!

[Constantine] He's got the Legends?

He'll kill them all. They're doomed unless you stop him!

I'm afraid I don't know how!

Astra, listen to me.

Years ago, your mom created a powerful cleansing spell.

Like an enema for magic.

It expels all sorcery from the vicinity.

There wasn't any reason to use it… until now.

Goodness me,

why would she ever create such a spell?

For me.

If I ever went too far.

Those days, I was reckless.

She was afraid I'd overdose, so she created the spell as a failsafe.

I reckon it's somewhere among her things.

You don't suppose it's in this charming little book, do you?

Of course, Natalie's music notebook.

The spell must be a song.

Goodness, gracious, I found it!

Oh, fiddlesticks!

My mother never taught me how to read music.

Wait, I can read the music.

But how? I never could before.

Because every cartoon princess knows how to sing, love.

[gasps]

You unlocked the door.

That ain't the first lock I've ever picked.

Now come on, Princess, we've got some saving to do.

You won't get away with this.

Oh, I think I will.

Hold still my friend. This won't hurt… much.

Rest your head

Astra?

It's time to sleep

Dreams are calling

Count the sheep

Lie in bed

Turn off the lights

So we can spy

That spell.

The starry night

It's making me weak.

[Crowley screaming]

The moon is bright

In the sky

Close your eyelids

Say goodbye

Put your troubles

In the ground

You'll be with me

Safe and sound

Oh, no!

Rest your head

It's time to sleep

Dreams are calling

Count the sheep

No!

-It worked. -Oh, my gosh.

Oh, I never thought I'd be so happy to see this coat again.

You guys okay?

So glad to have my arms back.

So over being cheese. That smell was getting aggressive.

Yeah, I was gonna say something.

Yo, why was I a fork?

-So… How about that Bethany lamp? -Get out!

Who are these people?

These are my friends, and this is my house.

Now, get out.

You can't just leave me here, John.

I know what that spell did to you… and I can help.

Out there in the cosmos, in the Great Beyond,

there's an unlimited source of power.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go again,

yammering on about the fountain of Imperium.

The fountain is out there.

It's a well of unexplored, untapped and unstoppable magic.

We could work together, brothers in arms.

-Just don't put me away again. -Yeah, so long, Master Crowley.

No, I ask you to reconsider. I'll do anything,

I'll do the dusting, I'll polish your boots.

I don't think that's gonna be enough.

Well, it was enough

until you set him free with your bloody meddling.

If you had helped out with the house, and the bills, and the damn Internet,

then Crowley wouldn't have been able to get his hooks in.

You know, you're right.

It was my fault you sought out Crowley's help.

I should have listened, rather than being stuck in my own bloody world.

And I wasn't ready for how hard it would be up here.

I felt like that lost the little girl in Hell all over again, completely powerless.

You wouldn't understand.

Actually, I do.

Your mom's expulsion spell,

let's just say that it was… pretty effective.

It didn't just strip Crowley of his powers.

John, I…

I knew very well what the spell would do. It had to be done.

Listen, Astra, magic takes a lot of patience.

There are no shortcuts, love.

But seeing as I have

to start from the bottom, and work my way up,

how's about you and I do it together?

All right, see you later, study buddy.

[door closes]

You're right. We just need to connect the fuel cell to the ship's mainframe.

What did you do?

What I had to… He's my maker.

Sara.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

I'm not only disappointed because our time together

obviously meant nothing to you,

but also because you didn't realize that this fuel cell

is just my sleepy wakey nightlight.

So soothing, right?

I'm gonna be honest.

I actually needed you to lead me to the location of this ship

so I could retrieve the rest of my cargo.

Good luck with that because I ejected all of them

into the deep void of outer space.

[laughing]

[Bishop] Sara Lance.

It's called data redundancy.

Those capsules not only kept you safe during transport,

they also extracted DNA samples…

from each and every one of you.

I prefer to have live creatures to work with but this…

is the next best thing.

[grunts]

[dart zips]

What the mother--

That was quite an adventure we had out in the woods.

I think we had a real breakthrough, you and I.

We are closer than ever, now.

Some may even say… inseparable.

[theme music playing]