Original subtitles

Well, well, glad to see you back!

- Pretty rugged trip, eh, Professor? - You said it!

I understand at one stretch you did 67 shows in 22 days!

Listen, any time the services would hold still, we'd play at 'em.

What are your plans now, Kay?

I'll let the gang answer that.

First thing I'm going to do is climb into a hot bath and stay there for two days!

Then he's going to take his clothes off.

(LAUGHTER)

Professor! Oh, Professor!

Uh oh. Tell her we didn't get in yet.

Hiya, gang!

Fine press agent you are, you show up after we've given out all the news!

Oh that's all right, I'll read all about it in the papers.

I want you to meet Mr. Carver, he's one of the Carvers, the famous ship builders.

Well, hello, Mr. Carver.

I'm delighted to meet you, Mr. Kyser.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate all you're going to do for us.

Oh, think nothing of it...

What do you mean, all I'm going to do for you?

Well now, Mr. Carver's going to have a Kay Kyser day at his defense plant

in honor of your homecoming.

Well, that's very considerate of you.

Well, naturally we'd like to have you put in an appearance

in order to make the affair a complete success.

Well, there's nothing I'd rather do, but...

There's no rush, Mr. Kyser

we still have half an hour.

Half an hour?

Well now, Mr. Carver wouldn't do this for everybody.

I had to use my influence.

Oh, I'm sure fellas would be mighty happy to do a show right now.

Say... say, just a minute, gang.

Come here. Now look.

I know I promised you a vacation, and when I make a promise, you can depend on it.

(MURMURS OF APPRECIATION)

But, I just want to postpone it for a little while until after we do this show.

But Kay, my train leaves in 45 minutes.

Oh, there'll be trains tomorrow, Georgia.

Well, what about it, gang?

That's the spirit!

We're all yours, Mr. Carver.

Ah, thank you. I knew you'd come through.

Now everybody, this way.

Will the boys in the band please get in this bus?

Kay!

Tom Gordon, how are you?

GIRL 1: I'm a female Frank Sinatra.

- What brings you to New York? - I heard you were getting in today.

GIRL 2: Excuse me, Mr. Kyser, television will be here soon.

I've come up here to talk to you about something very important.

Well, I don't know...

Bring your friend with ya, he can talk to you in the car.

That's a good idea.

- Looking for somebody? - I'm hidin'.

Hey, it's you I'm hidin' from!

Just as bashful as ever.

Come here, you beautiful hunk o' man!

Now, Charlotte, take it easy. I gotta get used to you all over again.

- Well, what's this? - A souvenir.

- For me? - Yeah.

No! Yeah, I got one for you.

Yeah, right here.

A hand grenade.

Just what I've always wanted.

Why didn't you bring another? They'd make a swell pair of earrings.

Well I'm awful dumb, you know, I never thought of that.

- Where'd you get it? - Picked it up on a battlefield.

Battlefield?

Oh, now look what you went and done. You broke it!

It's tickin'!

Oh! Well throw it away, throw it away! Oh!

Oh. Guess it was a dud.

Come on, dream boy, pucker up.

Oh no. Last time I kissed a girl, she passed out and stayed out.

- Can't scare me! - I'm warnin' ya!

Wow!

There, I guess that'll hold you for a while.

Mr. Carter, may I present Tom Gordon.

Tom's editor of the Rocky Mountain Evening Telegram

Best paper in the whole town.

- And the only one. - Yeah! How do you do?

Welcome to New York, Mr. Jordan!

- Gordon. - Oh, yes. Excuse me.

The Chamber of Commerce sent me up here to see you, Kay.

You see, starting next Monday we're going to try to sell enough bonds

to build a destroyer.

We know that's a pretty ambitious goal for a town the size of ours.

I certainly admire the spirit of Rocky Ridge, Mr. Borden.

Uh, Rocky Mountain, Mr. Carver. And Mr. Borden's name is Gordon.

Oh yes. Rocky Gordon, excuse me.

We were hoping you and your band could come down this week or next and tour,

Edgecombe and Nash County's putting on bond shows.

Well gee, I'd like to, Tom, but right after this show for Mr. Carver

I promised the gang a two week's vacation.

Oh, that's too bad, Kay.

Gee, and after that we're booked solid for several months of camp shows,

and I want the fellas to be rested so they can do a swell job for the service men.

Well, I'm sure the folks back home will understand.

Ahem.

- Couldn't I make a suggestion? - Sure.

I think there's a way you can help without even going to Rocky River.

Rocky Mountain. But go ahead.

Well, instead of putting on a series of shows in a sparsely populated area

why not put on one big show right here in New York

where there's a population of 7,000,000.

Mr. Carver, I think you've got something there.

Why, you could sell enough bonds to build a dozen destroyers.

Yeah! Sure! But why stop at a destroyer? We could build a cruiser!

Ah, I can see it now. The USS Rocky Glen!

Mr. Carver, just once, could you get the name of my hometown right?

You'll have to pardon me, I won't make that mistake again.

Thank you.

Anybody should be able to remember a simple little name like Rocky Gorge.

"Come on, childrens, yes, dance, yes..."

I can't do it, I can't do it.

What's the matter, Skinny?

I can't go out there. I just can't.

I've done my Kyser imitations at parties

but I've never been on a stage before.

Oh, there's nothing to be frightened about, Skinny.

Everybody out there is your coworker and friend.

Yeah, and I wanna keep 'em that way.

(BAND PLAYS HIM ON)

You're on, Skinny.

Now go out there and show them the kind of stuff that electric welding is made of.

I'll do it. I'll do it.

This tomato's out cold!

You better go out there and do your number.

But I didn't want to sing until Mr. Kyser gets here.

You better go out now.

* I was always a well-mannered child

* To say I was brought up bright

* would be putting it mild

* I was taught to say Thank you

* And strike a curtsey pose

(MUFFLED) * I haven't forgotten my etiquette

* So pet, here it goes!

* Thanks a lot...

Hey, not bad, not bad at all.

Beautiful voice, don't you think, Mr. Carter?

Yes, and the personality to go with it. Who is she?

Julie Carver.

Oh, any relation?

Well, slightly.

By marriage.

- My daughter. - Oh.

My one and only offspring.

Uh, folks, the dressing room's right back of the stage.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll find the stage manager and tell him you're here.

I'll catch the show from out front, Kay. See you later.

- Well, what do you say, Kay? - Say about what?

About her. There's the girl to take my place.

Oh no. Not interested.

Now listen, Kay, you don't seem to realize that I'm quitting!

I'm getting married, remember?

With my blessings, honey!

Well then, why don't you grab her?

Well, she's just not what I'm looking for.

Now, I'm warning you, Kay, you better grab somebody fast, and I mean fast!

- Hurry up, put this thing on. - What for? I don't need that.

You want to look like Kay Kyser, don't you?

No, but I can't help myself.

Don't be afraid, Skinny.

Skinny? What do you mean, Skinny?

Just remember, the cornier you are, the more people will think you're Kay Kyser.

- Oh, now, wait a minute... - Oh, quit stalling. Go on out there, Skinny!

I can't, I'm afraid!

Mr. Kyser!

Uh...

Oh, then... then you're really...

Kay Kyser!

I guess I'm not myself today.

Well! Afternoon, folks, how are ya'll?

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

Well, we're sort of thrilled to be back here with you gang,

we had a lot of fun on the other side with the guys there,

doing a swell job of fighting, and you're doing a grand job fighting on this side.

So we'd like to sing a little song for you about a state.

We're not gonna sing about California, here I come back home again,

and Indiana, deep in the (CLAPS) Texas and all that.

We want to sing about the smallest of the 48.

Poor little ol' Rhode Island.

* Poor little Rhode Island

* The smallest of the 48

* You've got no prairie moon or rich coyote's croon

* But I still think that you're great

* You're such a teensy-weensy poor little Rhode Island

* Let all the Texans Yip-aye-ay

* Yip-aye-ay

* You're still the best part of this land I dearly love

* Doop da doop

* and I'm including Io-way

* They've written songs about the South

* They've written songs about the North

* And I've heard them say there's nothing finer

* Than dear old Carolina in the morning

* But how about the nights in

* Poor, poor little Rhode Island

* Be careful if you're fancy free

* In Providence one day she stole my heart away

* Far away

* I'm dreaming of her constantly

* Let the sun shine bright on your old Kentucky home

* Rhode Island's the place for me

* Yeah, the place for me

* Rhode Island's the place for me! *

Boy, I'm in a hurry to finish that one because I can't wait for you to see

who I just saw over in the wings.

It's our own, stop, look at, and listen to gal

gorgeous Georgia Carroll.

* You completely overwhelm me

* With those love tales that you tell me

* You merely hold me tight

* And I face a sleepless night

* You make me dream too much

* of rainy days

* and hideaways

* You make dream too much

* of falling stars

* and soft guitars

* I hate the thought of early morning

* I wake, and then I hardly finish with my yawning

* I'm dreaming again

* I see your nursery playthings and such

* You make me dream

* too much

* You make me dream

* too much

How 'bout that? Wasn't that swell?

Aw, that was... Aw, snap out of that dream, children, it's all over!

And now ladies and gentlemen... (FANFARE)

Ish Kabibble's Hour of Nonsense and Stuff.

- Not now, Ish, later. - Thank you, thank you.

First nonsense.

Did you hear about the military worm?

No, what about the military worm?

He's an apple corps. (LAUGHTER)

Now the second nonsense, a poem.

Roses are red, and violets are blue,

I know Violets' are blue, 'cause I seen her hanging 'em out on the line the other day.

Now for a essay about a eel,

entitled "The Eel."

Fine. Did you write the essay, Ish?

No, that dear gal I've been running around with.

Oh, you mean Woodie Kiddie from Kansas City?

No, Batty Hatty from Cincinnati.

- Oh, the pretty one. - Yeah, the one with the head.

A eel is a long fish that goes clean from one end to the other without stopping.

Oh, very enlightening.

Now, um...

Do you know how to tell the difference between the front end of a eel

and the back end of a eel?

Oh no, I don't, Ish, how do you tell?

Well, in the first place, eels don't like apples.

- No? - No.

So, you take a apple, and you hold it up to the end of the eel

that's the closest to you.

Yeah.

If he runs away from it, that's his back end,

but if he backs away from it, it's his front end.

And if he comes and gets the apple

it ain't a eel at all.

Probably a horse.

Oh Mr. Kyser, you were wonderful.

Yeah, you weren't so bad yourself, Julie, if I must say so

and I guess I must say so.

You know, Mr. Kyser,

not a day goes by that Julie doesn't have an offer to sing with some famous orchestra.

Like Tommy Valley, Rudy Dorsay, Cab Goodman, Kay Kyser...

Oh, I beg you pardon, you're Kay Kyser.

Well, um, how come your daughter doesn't sign up with one of those orchestras?

Well, Mr. Kyser, I may be an old rooster

but I don't aspire to be the father of a slick chick.

Why, Father.

Where did he ever learn such talk?

Oh, I'm hip, I'm solid in the groove.

Brother, slip me some skin!

He's really hip.

Well, Mr. Kyser, I refuse to trust my daughter's welfare

to someone who's a complete stranger to me.

Well, I know all those orchestra leaders, and they're swell fellas.

I wouldn't consider it.

However, if there were someone that I was personally acquainted with, like, uh...

...well, like you, Mr. Kyser

and she would have a chance to be star

I might alter my decision.

Mr. Kyser

didn't I read something in the papers about

Georgia Carroll leaving your band?

Oh yeah, seems to me I read something about that.

Well, uh, have you any idea whom you're going to get to replace her?

Well, no. You see, I haven't had a chance to look for anybody.

Mr. Kyser

you said that my voice was...

ALFRED: Here's your hotel, Kay.

Oh, okay. Thanks a lot for the lift, Mr. Carver.

Not at all. Good luck to you on your bond show.

Thank you, and I'm mighty glad to have met you, Miss Carver.

It's a thrill on my part, Mr. Kyser.

(DOOR OPENS)

Goodbye!

She gave you a bit of a thrill too, eh, Kay?

Who, me? I didn't even know she was in the car.

Hello, Kay!

Well, hello!

How are you?

Nice to see you.

I think I better get the car back to your sister now.

By all means, Alfred. Aunt Martha will be terribly angry if you're late.

- You can drop us off at the nearest subway station. - Yes, sir.

And by the way, sir, I don't mean to be pre-sump-tur-ous

but, uh, how about that three bucks you owe me?

Oh yes, the three Simoleons.

Oh, I'm temporarily financially distressed. Honey, would you... thanks.

What about the five I gave you yesterday?

That ran seventh at Pimlico.

Here you are, Al.

Thanks.

Don't you think it's about time you stopped wasting your money on horses?

Wasting? My dear, I do it as a pure business investment.

Aw, Dad. Aren't you tired of sponging on our rich relatives?

I guess I can hold out as long as they can.

If I could only land that job with Kyser

we wouldn't have to sponge on them any longer.

I can't understand it.

He seemed to be greatly impressed with your voice as well as your appearance.

And all of a sudden he lost interest.

Do you suppose we should have asked Kyser outright instead of just hinting?

We did everything but hit him over the head with a hammer.

I wonder if that would've helped.

It's all set, Tom, we can have the Cosmopolitan Opera House this Saturday night.

That's great!

With the newspapers and radio stations plugging the show

I'm sure we can put it over, even on such short notice.

I'll wire the news to Rocky Mountain. They'll be tickled pink.

Oh, but you better let me talk to the gang first.

- How do you do, Mr. Kyser? - Oh, fine, Jerry.

- Welcome home. - Thank you. Did the gang get in yet?

Get in? They ran in, they couldn't wait to get packed.

They're down in the storeroom now, tending to their luggage.

Thanks, Jerry. Come on, Tom.

How's the hard parts coming?

What are you going to say to 'em?

Oh, I don't know yet.

- Oh, yes I do. I'm not gonna say a word. - You're not gonna say a word?

No, you're gonna do the talking.

- Me? - Come on.

I'm going to be a fugitive from a trombone.

Boy, I'm going to catch myself a whole mess of fish.

In an hour I'm going to be on that train, and brother,

I'd like to see anybody try to stop me.

Just think, tomorrow at this time I'll be a bride.

Say, I almost got married to a second lieutenant once.

The first one got away!

Hey, speakin' of brides!

Maybe we could make this a double wedding!

- Ish! - What?

How would you like to get married?

Who to?

Well to me, of course.

Uh-uh, my mother and father were married once, and look what happened.

The trouble with you is you haven't any romance.

Close your eyes.

Can't you see it in front of you?

That ivy-covered cottage,

just for you and for me?

I can't see a thing with my eyes closed.

Well, just try to imagine it!

Maybe after we're married

the stork will bring us a little visitor.

A little stranger

that will look half like you, and half like me.

Oh boy, just what I always wanted!

A cocker spaniel!

Just try to picture it.

You, and me

and a little Ish running around the house!

Oh, look, there he is now!

Hello, darling!

Oh, isn't he cute?

Why did you do that?

He bit me!

Well, you brute, I won't have a husband that treats my child like that.

Good, then we ain't no longer married.

Well, gang, there was nothing tired about that show, it was great!

Come on over!

Say, I want you to meet an old friend of mine, Tom Gordon.

Tom, meet the brood.

Say, Tom's got a few words for you children, so speak up, Thomas.

Well, folks, Mr. Kyser tells me he promised you all a vacation.

Well, when Kay promises you anything, he keeps his promise.

Ya'll know that, don't you.

We know that. But does Kay know it?

Yes. You're gonna get it, too. It's just...

It's just that I want to postpone it for a few days. (BAND GROANS)

Now, wait a minute. Go on, Tom, tell 'em.

If you'll only let me explain, I'm sure you'll understand. You see...

Yeah, you see, my home town Rocky Mountain has pledged itself to sell enough bonds

to build a cruiser. Go on, Tom, tell 'em about it.

Mr. Kyser didn't want to ask you to give up your vacations to come down

to Rocky Mountain

I wouldn't think of doing that, so what we'll do is put the show on

right here in New York! Go on, Tom.

We've arranged to stage the show this Saturday, at...

That gives us five days to rehearse, and right after that I can guarantee

there'll be absolutely nothing to stop you from going on your vacations.

Well, go on, Tom, tell 'em about it.

You told 'em.

Oh. Well, what about it, gang?

But Kay, you know I plan to get married tomorrow!

I already sent my folks a wire, they're expecting me!

(GENERAL HUBBUB)

All right, okay, forget the whole thing.

I'm sorry, Tom, but after all they have been going night and day

for a couple of years, you know.

I understand.

I'm so hoarse, I sound like a foghorn.

- But if you really want... - Oh, that's all right, Sully, just forget about it.

And to show you my heart's in the right place

I want you all to go up to the ticket bureau in the lobby

and tell Maisy to give you a ticket for wherever you want to go

and charge it to me.

Hey Maisy, give me a ticket to Bangor, Maine.

A lower to Lebanon.

Kay sure is a swell guy for doing this.

Round trip ticket to Watertown.

- What about you? - Gimme a ticket for $50.00.

Where to?

It's a secret!

How am I supposed to know where you're going?

Wait a minute.

- How many C's in Chicago? - Two.

- Where do you wanna go? - Chicago.

Hey, you peeked!

Well, I guess that takes care of everybody.

If you'll all come back in six days I'll try and have your tickets ready for ya.

ALL: Six days?

Hey, wait a minute, the way things are, you'll be lucky to get 'em then!

GEORGIA: Oh, here we go again.

But I thought you were going to Cincinnati.

Yeah, I was, but I couldn't spell it.

Oh, that was swell, Maisy, you handled that beautifully.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Kyser.

Say, I really want you to charge those tickets to me.

But remember, don't get 'em for six days now.

I won't. But you know, Mr. Kyser,

I couldn't have gotten them any sooner anyway!

Here, get into this.

I don't think it'll do any good, Miss Carroll. They heard me sing.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Onstage, Miss Carroll.

Coming! Now there's no need to be nervous, you know the number as well as I do.

Yes, but my whole family's sitting in a box out front!

* Over and over and over and over again

* That tune seems to haunt me

* Over and over and over and over again

* They play to taunt me

* Of all the countless melodies

* This one stirs up memories

* It's still the best but may I suggest

* Don't play it, please

* I find you make me dream too much

* There goes that song again

* We used to call it our serenade

* We fell in love when we heard it played

* Over and over and over and over again

* I still remember when

* I sang the words and they made you mine

* I'd steal a kiss and repeat each line

* Over and over and over and over and then

* We drifted apart

* You walked off with my heart

* It's funny how one listen

* Just starts me

* Reminiscing

* I'd soon forget that Yes

* I told myself when you said so long

* But I was wrong There goes that song

* Again

* You make me dream too much

(HARMONIZING)

* You make me dream too much

* Of rainy days

* And hideaways

* You make me dream too much

* Of falling stars

* And soft guitars

* I hate the thought of early morning

* I wake and then

* I hardly finish with my yawning

* I'm dreaming again

* I see your nursery play things and such

* You make me dream

* Too

* Much

(BIG BAND PLAYING)

* We drifted apart

* You walked off with my heart

* It's funny how one listen

* Just starts me reminiscing

* I'd soon forget that Yes

* I told myself when you said so long

* But I was wrong

* There goes that song

* Again

(BIG BAND PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Oh, you better hurry, you're almost on.

I appreciate what you're trying to do for me but I can't go through with it.

Well you want the job, don't you?

Yes, I do, but playing a trick like that on Mr. Kyser.

You let me worry about that.

The only way I'll ever get married is to get somebody like you to take my place.

And you're elected.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Hey folks, while we've been trying to entertain you, six men from the treasury

department have been busy too totalling your bond purchases.

We're not only going to have a Cruiser Rocky Mount

but also a couple sub chasers, and a whole fleet of PT boats.

Because children, the total of your bond purchases

are $36 430 000

red blooded American fighting dollars.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Thank you. Now I personally want you to meet some folks who dug down in their jeans

deep enough to come up with a million dollars for a box.

Ladies and gentleman, the Carvers.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

And now children, we got some more of that stuff and that's for certain

so hold on tight and Mr. Man, open that curtain.

(BIG BAND PLAYING)

* I've just come from Harlem

* From the land of Hidy Ho

It's Julie!

* And it's not the Harlem

* I once used to know

* I dug a cat named Luscious

* BB, I think was his name

* He's quoted more than Confucious

* And clothes brought him

* His fame

(BIG BAND PLAYING)

* Mr. BB He's the man who knows

* Mr. BB Sets the styling clothes

* Fancy cravates And those knocked out spats

* BB's the man who knows

* Mr BB Dig the boutinniere

* Mr. BB Booted front and rear

* Harlem's alive To his dressed up jive

* BB's the man who knows

* Now I've heard them say Clothes he throws away

* Are the clothes that they'll wear next fall

* And it's also said when he goes to bed

* His Pajamas are as groovy As a technicolor movie

* Mr. BB Thank you for the tip

* Big BB Harlem's hip

* Since you came on every zoot suit's gone Now here's what you can do

* Bring the Easter parade to Lenox

* Easter parade to Lenox

* Avenue

* Mr. BB Thank you for the tip

* Mr. BB You made Harlem hip

* Since you came on Every zoot suit's gone

* Now here's what you can do

* Bring the Easter parade to Lenox Avenue

* Now we've heard them say

* Clothes he throws away

* Are the clothes that they'll wear next fall

* And it's also said

* When he goes to bed

* His pajamas are as groovy As a technicolor movie

* Mr BB We want to thank you for the tip

* Now all of Harlem's hip

* Since you came on Every zoot suit's gone

* Now here's what you can do

* Is the Easter parade on Lenox Avenue *

(INSTRUMENTAL BREAK AND TAP DANCING)

* Mr. BB He's the man who knows

* Mr. BB Sets the styling clothes

* Fancy cravates And his knocked out spats

* BB's the man who knows

* Mr. BB Dig his boutinniere

* Mr. BB Booted front and rear

* Harlem's alive to his dressed up jive

* BB's the man who knows

* Now I've heard them say The clothes he throws away

* Are the clothes that they'll wear next fall

* And it's also said that when he goes to bed

* His pajamas are as groovy As a technicolor movie

* Mr. BB Thank you for the tip

* Mr. BB You've made Harlem hip

* Since you came on All the zoot suit's gone

* Now here's what you can do

* Because you are as mellow as a cello man

* You've got a duty that you must do For your fellow man

* So bring the Easter parade

* So bring the easter parade to Lenox Avenue *

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

* And now that you've seen it You know what goes

* And now that you've seen it Dug the clothes

* You'll agree with me

* BB's the man who knows

Imagine a Carver performing in public. Disgraceful.

Yes it is. Let's get out of here.

You could have ruined the whole show.

But I didn't hurt the show, I was only trying to help.

Of all the crusty, self-centered, crusty brats I ever met...

MAN: Curtain!

No, that's enough. Keep them closed. Now you listen to me, Ms. Carver.

I've heard more than enough, Mr. Kyser.

Well I... Well what do you know about that?

Hey, you're wanted on the phone.

Well alright.

Hello, yes, this is Kay Kyser.

Oh, I'm sorry, who wants to speak to me?

The mayor? Well lift him up to the phone.

Oh, the Mayor of Rocky Mount. Well hello your honor.

Just fine, thanks.

Yeah. Yep. Enough for a couple of cruisers

What's that?

A banquet in our honor?

Well gee, that's mighty nice of you, Mayor.

MAN: My, I can smell my mammy's cooking now

Say, gang, just a minute. There's something I want to ask you.

I was just talking on the telephone to the Mayor of Rocky Mount

and they're having a big banquet in our honor.

So I want you all to... MAN: This is where I came in.

I want you all to leave me your addreses so I can send you a postcard.

For a moment there I thought you were gonna ask us to do another show.

Another show? Why, I wouldn't do a thing like that.

I told the Mayor you all couldn't make it, but I accepted of behalf of all you.

From this moment on I wouldn't interupt your vacation

if my life depended on it.

So long gang, have alot of fun, ok?

EVERYBODY: Bye!

Oh Kay, Kay? Do you mind if I ride to the station with you?

I have to catch the 11:15 to Camp Henderson.

Oh, not at all. Hop in.

Pennsylvania Station.

Yep, yep.

DRIVER: I dream of genie... (HUMMING)

Still sore, Kay?

Oh no, not at all. I like to walk around with a knife sticking out of my back

A few more friends like you and I'd look like a porcupine.

What'd you throw me a curve like that for, Georgia?

Because I wanted you to hear her sing ith the band.

She didn't want to do it. I had to talk her into it.

She was scared stiff.

She didn't look scared to me.

Well, that's because she's a real trooper

Come to think about, her hand was cold as ice.

Oh, you noticed that?

Well, naturally. I had to hold her hand while we were taking bows, didn't I?

Well, naturally

(CAR TIRES SQUEALING)

Say, would you stop dreaming of genie and concentrate on not killing us?

Relax. You're just as safe with me as you would be sitting in your own parlor.

(DRIVER HUMMING)

You know, Kay? I think I know now why you don't want Julie around.

You're afraid of falling in love with her.

Instinctively you feel that blessed old bachelorhood being threatened

Oh, that's silly.

Besides, I wouldn't stand a chance with a gal like her.

For heaven's sake Kay, Why don't you give Julie the job?

Because she's a rich man's daughter.

What have you got against rich girls?

You see, Georgia, most rich girls do this for the kick they get out of it.

I want a girl who really needs a job.

She'll get in there and pitch because she's fighting for a career and financial security.

Look out!

Hey, watch where you're going

Will you stop worrying. You're making me nervous.

Kibitzer.

That's the wildest ride I ever had in my life.

I got you here, didn't I? I've been driving for twenty years and never had an accident.

Okay, okay. How much do I owe you?

60 cents.

Here. And why don't you get yourself a pair of glasses.

And why don't you get yourself a pair?

Philadelphia, Richmond, Washington and all points south.

All aboard

Well, I guess this is goodbye, Kay.

I sure hate to lose you honey, but I can't compete with love

Well, I want you to know that I'll never forget you.

Oh, it's been wonderful, and, well...

I know. Just be as good a wife for that captain as you were a star for me.

We'd better hurry, Kay.

Mr. Kyser! Mr. Kyser we tried to catch you at the hotel.

Julie feels that she owes you an apology.

That isn't necessary, Julie.

We better hurry, Kay, we'll miss that train.

I'm sorry I lost my temper last night. I deserved everything you said, and more.

Forget it. I was a little out of order myself. I should apologize to you.

Then, am I forgiven?

Am I forgiven?

Now that that's settled, there's a little matter that's been puzzling me

I'd like cleared up. With Ms. Carol leaving

we cannot understand why you don't engage Julie to sing...

- Come on, Kay, the train's leaving. - I must go now, best of luck.

Have a good time in Rocky Edge.

Goodbye.

I'm beginning to believe he doesn't want any part of us.

I guess he thinks I'm just not good enough.

Oh, on the contrary. He thinks you have an excellent voice.

Well, what is the reason then?

To be perfectly frank, Mr. Carver, your wealth is hurting Julie.

What wealth? I mean, what do you mean by that?

You see, Kay thinks that money and a career don't mix.

Train 54 leaving track 6

I've got to go now. I'm awfully sorry it didn't work out, Julie. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

And we thought we'd make more of an impression if we said we were rich.

Now all we have to do is tell him we're broke and we're in.

We are broke.

Yes...

As Mayor of Rocky Mount, it gives me great honor to pay homage to our favorite son

For the brilliant work that he and his entertainers

have accomplished in acquiring funds to build the USS Rocky Mountain.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Wait a minute, where are you going?

I got a telegram for Kay.

Wait til after the banquet.

Oh no, it's from Washington.

Maybe from the president, wants to congratulate him.

Give it to me. I'll hand it to him.

I'm the messenger.

If you get a chance, the fishing poles and bait is under the boathouse.

Okay, Stonewall.

As a token of our appreciation I take great pleasure

in presenting to you the key to the city.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Thank you very much, but

I'm really afraid I can't accept this now, you see

there isn't going to be a USS Rocky Mountain.

(AUDIENCE GASPING)

I just received a telegram from the Treasury Department in Washington.

I'll read it to you."Mr. Kay Kyser, Rocky Mount, NC.

"We beg to inform you that in accordance with paragraph nine bulletin sixty four

"governing sales and issuance of war bonds

"sales can only be credited to the area in which bonds are bonds are issued."

"Therefore the money collected in bonds sold by you cannot

"be alocated to Rocky Mount, North Carolina."

Well, I guess that winds up my trip in a blaze of nothing.

Take it anyway, Kay, you've earned it.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

We should have held a show here like you wanted to in the first place.

It isn't too late. We still haven't held a bond rally down here.

Oh, but I couldn't do that, Tom, the boys are on their vacation

and I promised them I wouldn't bother them even if my life depended on it.

Even if my life depended on it...

Say, is the telegraph office still open?

Well, come on.

(HERE COMES THE BRIDE PLAYING)

It happened all of a sudden. When Kay found out there

wasn't going to be any USS Rocky Mount, he collapsed.

The doctor says he's suffering from shock.

I can't believe it. He was the picture of health when I said goodbye to him.

I never realized his home town meant so much to him.

He'll pull through won't he, Mr. Gordon?

Only time can tell. It'll take a miracle to save him. A miracle.

Is he dying of anything serious?

Oh, quiet.

I feel so bad I can't even think.

Can we see him now?

Yes, but only a few at a time.

And don't be alarmed if he doesn't recognize any of you.

His mind wanders.

Be quiet.

Tell Josephina the lunch was delicious. Both of them.

Tell her I'll have supper about 3 o'clock

How about your desert?

Oh yes, I almost forgot that.

Be quiet. Be quiet.

I christen thee the USS Rocky Mount.

Oh no, don't sink, don't sink.

Oh, it's gone!

There it goes, my beautiful ship, with eight inch guns.

Sunk by a broadside from Washington.

There, there, Kay. Take it easy. Take it easy.

Aye aye, Sir

Oh, this is even worse than I thought.

Kay, look at me. Don't you know me?

Sure I know you. Grandma.

Oh, he's out of his head.

He sounds alright to me.

I can't die now, I wanna live.

Do you hear? Live.

Oh, you'll be alright Kay, you'll be alright.

Oh, he looks just awful

He's lost at least twenty pounds.

I wanna live.

Yes, he does look horrible.

But that's because he hasn't eaten a mouthful of food since he collapsed.

And what makes it worse, he hasn't even had a wink of sleep either.

I want to run barefoot through the grass.

I want to feel the rain beating against my face.

He's been raving like that ever since he found out

there wasn't going to be a USS Rocky Mount.

USS Rocky Mount!

Oh no, no I can't, not that.

I won't, you hear?

I promised the gang I wouldn't bother them.

And when I make a promise, I keep it, do you hear?

There they come now. Georgia,

Harry, Sully, Dianne. The whole gang.

I knew they wouldn't let me down.

Alright gang, we're on. Hit it.

Louder, louder.

Music.

Louder, louder.

Where are you? Music...

(SPOONS AND CUPS CLANGING)

(TRUMPET NOISE HUMMING)

(ALL PLAYING MR. BB'S THEME)

Students, it gives me a thrill to announce that the collections total

87 billion dollars

and 43 cents.

At last we can have our USS Rocky Mount.

And now I can go peacefully

So long, everybody.

Don't die, Kay, don't die.

We'll put on a show for you down here. We'll get you the USS Rocky Mount.

MAN: We'll put on the greatest show this town ever saw.

MAN: I'll make the arrangements right now, and phone the newspaper.

Kay, Kay listen to me, it's Georgia

there is going to be a USS Rocky Mount.

KAY: The clouds are lifting.

WOMAN: Oh, you can't die now Kay! You're so young and so beautiful!

MAN: Now you're getting delirious!

KAY: The clouds are lifting... the sun is shining again! Spring is here...

...oh, the roosters are crowing! The chicks are chicking, the ducks are

ducking to and fro in the duck pond, ahhh spring!

The cows are mooing, the birds are chirping...

little lambs are eating ivy. Life is starting to stir again!

Poor fella! He looks so weak.

That's because he hasn't eaten for so long.

Yes, a little food might give him strength.

And a little sleep might help him too.

Well, here's the food! - And this oughtta put him to sleep!

(BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING)

MAN: Ok, you've got the vocals all set?

CROWD: Yah. MAN: Everybody relax.

Relax? I won't be able to relax until the show's over.

We have three days left of our vacation and, boy, I'm going to make up for lost time

Kay, how about letting me do a number in the show - I'd like to help out!

KAY: What can you do?

I used to tour the country doing a balloon dance - boy you shoulda seen me!

I was sensational! I used to dance and blow, and dance and blow

and dance and blow... - Hey, what do you mean, blow?

WOMAN: I had a leaky balloon!

MAN: Oh, hello there Tom! CROWD: Hello Tom!

So how about it, Tom? We about ready to launch that cruiser?

TOM: The way we're going we won't even be able to get a destroyer.

How come? Everybody's buying bonds.

TOM: Trouble is Kay, we're selling only the small ones.

The people down here have done more than their fare share already.

They just haven't got the money.

KAY: Oh... that's too bad.

(TELEPHONE RINGING) KAY: Looks like we're going to strike out again.

Hello? Well, just a minute.

Guess who's downstairs? Old Man Carver and his daughter, they want to see you.

Carver? Here? How do you like that! Follow me all the way from New York

I never saw people so hard to discourage. Tell them I'm busy!

And I'm going to be busy the rest of my life! - Okey dokey.

Burns me up! Just because he's got a private mint.

Wait! What am I saying?

WOMAN: You can tell Mr. Carver and his daughter Mr. Kyser... - Will be right down!

The cruiser Rocky Mount just dropped anchor in the lobby!

Tell him that you even had to pawn your watch so that we could get down here.

MAN: If you'd have hocked that coat we wouldn't have had to set up in a day coach at night

But you leave it to me. When I get through with him he'll be taking up a collection for us.

Julie! Mr. Carver! Gee, I'm glad to see you all, you're a sight for sore eyes!

You're looking swell Julie! You never were prettier! And you Mr. Carver

why, you're getting younger everyday! - Ha! Am I?

KAY: You know, I never missed two people so much in my life.

In fact I was just talking about you all to Tom Gordon, you remember Tom?

MAN: Tom Gordon? Oh sure! How is he? KAY: Fine, fine.

Uh... Mr. Kyser... KAY: I said Tom whatever happened

to those lovely Carver people? - What did happen to them, Mr. Kyser?

Oh, that's one of the things I missed about you, Mr. Carver, always good for a laugh! Ha!

JULIE: Mr. Kyser, Dad and I came down here to discuss something very important.

Yes, I know what it is, and the job is yours.

JULIE: It is? - I assure you, I'm not just doing this out of friendship.

Oh, that's very nice of you Mr. Kyser but, before we go any further

I think that you should know that we... we...

CARVER: We haven't any rooms for the night and I think we better register.

KAY: Register? Why I wouldn't think of letting you stay here you're going home with me.

You'll be my guests as long as you're in town.

Let it ride! We couldn't pay for the rooms anyway.

Come right in! Josephine? - Yes, Mr. Kay?

Josephine this is Miss Carver and Mr. Carver, friends of mine.

They're gonna be with us for a while. I want you to make them comfortable.

Oh don't you worry Mr. Kay, I'll take good care of them. - Fine. Thank you Josephine.

I'll take the bags upstairs. - C'mon in. You must be thirsty after your long trip.

Would you have a lemonade? - Fine. - How about you?

CARVER: Well, I've heard about your wonderful mint juleps. - Fine!

A mint julep and two lemonades coming right up! I'll be with you in just a minute.

KAY: I wonder how you make a mint julep?

I don't get it Dad, in New York he gave us the brush-off.

Here he can't do enough for us!

Well you see, I was right in the first place - it paid to impress him.

Georgie Carroll evidently didn't know what she was talking about.

Just the same, when he comes back I'm going to tell him the truth about us.

You can't do that now! Never show your hand when you got horses back to back.

Looks to me like we're riding for a fall. I think that...

Uh-oh!

Now it's beginning to make sense. - What is?

Read this.

(MUMBLING, READING)

"...that the funds cannot be credited to this community."

"Kyser has completed preparations for the new bond rally tomorrow night."

"Sales to date have fallen short of the expected quota."

"And unless there is a last- minute spurt, Kay's efforts to secure a ship to be"

"named the Rocky Mount will be for naught."

Well, I hope he makes it.

Don't you understand? He's counting on you to put the drive over.

That's why he did such a complete about-face.

Well, if the purchase of a few war stamps will help, I don't mind spending 25, 30 cents...

A few war stamps? He'll expect you to come across for a few million dollars.

That's why he gave me the job.

Why, the dirty double-crosser. He's trying to take advantage of our friendship.

I can't take that job now, even if I wanted to. - Why not?

Don't you see Dad? If we don't buy any war bonds he'll know we're phonies.

I'll be finished with the band before I ever get started.

I never thought of that.

Oh, worry, worry, worry! If we could only...

Wait a minute, I think I've got it! Now suppose...

...suppose we could just get a contract before the rally?

Oh, but that isn't according to Hoyle, is it Dad?

Hoyle won't know a thing about it. Remember, do unto others before they do unto you.

Uh, let me handle this now.

KAY: Well, here we are! Here's your lemondae Julie, and here's your mint julep!

Thank you. - Just a sample of our southern hospitality.

CARVER: Well it should go well with my northern thirst. Ha!

KAY: Oh! There he goes again! (LAUGHING)

I'll have to use that on the air sometime! (LAUGHING)

Before I forget Julie, we're having a little bond drive for the folks tomorrow night.

How about rehearsing a couple of songs with the band? - I'd be delighted.

A bond drive, did you say? - Yes.

Well, I might be interested in putting some more money in war bonds.

Say, 10 million dollars or so.

Yes, let's say 10 million or so.

Well, I couldn't think of a more profitable investment than a contract

with the United States government.

Oh that reminds me, don't you think you and Julie should have a contract?

Contract? - Just for your own protection of course.

Well, my contracts are drawn up by my lawyers in New York.

CARVER: Oh, there's nothing to writing a contract!

I could draw up one right here, it's simple.

All you have to say is: the party of the first part

agrees to pay the party of the second part, whatever the party of the first part

thinks would be acceptable to the party of the second part.

Party? Party! Hey that reminds me - the town's giving us a big barbeque

and hay-ride party tonight! I have to make all the arrangements

and there isn't much time left. I have to run! We'll talk about the contract

later, you'll forgive me won't you? Oh, by the way you're both invited too.

I have to get some hay for the hay-ride. You'd be surprised how tough it is to find hay!

Oh, excuse me. Well, I'll see you later! Make yourselves at home!

Hay-ride, hmmm. He just used that as an excuse to wiggle off the hook.

Suppose we use it as an excuse to get him back on?

What do you mean, Julie? - It's tonight or never!

A full moon, starlit night, the smell of new-mown hay...

...and Chanel no.5.

You'd better make it number 6 just to make sure.

* She'll be riding six white horses, she'll be riding six white horses when she comes! *

You haven't changed your mind about leaving tomorrow, have you Georgie?

No, no. I'm gonna catch the first train in the morning.

Good. - Just imagine this time tomorrow night

I'll be married!

Ah, love, love, love. I wish cupid had an arrow sharp enough

to penetrate this old hide. - Oh, Mr. Carver you're not old!

I'm 68. -No! -Uh-huh.

But you know something? When I look around and see all these beautiful girls...

oh boy! What I wouldn't give to be 65 again. - Ha, ha!

Wasn't that the swellest barbeque you ever tasted?

Yah, the fellow that cooked it sure knew how to pick out a 'He' hog.

Well, is there any difference? - Sure there is!

How can you tell the difference between a 'He' hog and a 'She' hog?

First you take some apples and slice them up, and then you get a can of corn

and a bowl of hot gravy, and a nice big bowl of whipped cream

then you get a 'He' hog and a 'She' hog. - Which do you get first?

Then you get a big bucket, and you put the sliced apples and corn in there

and you put the hot gravy and you mix it all up good, and then you get the whipped cream

and smear it all over the top. - Oh I get it! The one that eats the most is the 'He' hog!

I never found out. It always looked so good I eat it myself.

Oh no.

What's the matter with you? - Just thinking about the war bash.

That sounds like a music cue. - What else?

* Boom boom boom Boom boom boom boom

* I'm thinking about the war bash my muddy old buddy the war bash

* Thinking about that river rolling along in the moonlight

* Thinking... hmmmm... hmmm... hmmm... hmmm...

* Thinking about the war bash

* We used to fish for hours lazy old hazy old hours

* Everyday was a Sunday And Sunday went right into Monday

* Homestead Thinking about the war bash

* War bash Thinking about the war bash

* And this little gal named Janey

* Her kisses were so sugarcaney Sugarcaney

* And I even miss her brother

* who used to peek and tell her mother

* When they're all through parading we'll take off our shoes and go wading

* Yah wading right into that river rolling along in the moonlight

* Thinking about the river thinking about the war bash

* Thinking about the war bash

* Boom boom boom boom

* And that's the place we want to be because we're from Mississippi

* And the summers are amazing We'd go floating down the rivers so lazy

* We're the best there is in Tennessee the place we all know best

* We're thinking... We're thinking... We're thinking...

* Isn't far down the west wind blowin Isn't far down the wind blowin

* We're thinking of the river we love best

* We're thinking about the war bash *

(CROWD CHEERING)

This has been a wonderful night, Kay. I'll never forget it.

Neither will I. - Do you really mean that?

Well, yes, that was the best roast pig I ever tasted.

What is that over there? Shimmering int the moonlight.

Where? - There.

Above the trees.

Oh, that's the old swimming hole. I used to swim there when I was a kid.

Gee, you should have seen me. Oh, I guess not.

Why not? - 'Cause we went swimming barefooted-all over.

Oh, ha!

Say, if you're really interested in the sights, I'll be glad to point them out.

Well I'm sure they're most interesting, Kay, but if you don't mind I...

...I'd rather talk about...

Well, there's McPherson's farm - we used to steal watermelons from him!

How thrilling! - Mmmm. I can taste them now.

I love watermelons.

McPherson used to chase me with his shotgun. One time he sprayed me

and I couldn't sit down for a week.

I simply adore adventurous men!

Oh, it was nothing.

Yep, we kids sure had a lot of fun. I remember once I went fishing...

...and I didn't take any bait so...

What a noble institution the hay-ride is. A few hours ago we hardly knew each other

look at us now, everything seems different.

Yes everything does seem different.

I bet your dad's gonna be surprised when he hears about us.

You have no idea how surprised he'll be. - Why don't we tell him now?

No Kay. - What's the matter?

Do you think he'll object because I'm not in the social register?

No. I think you might object because...

...we're not in the social register. - Oh, quit kidding.

That book's full of Carvers.

Yes, but we're not among them. You see Kay, they don't

publish the names of poor relations.

Poor relations? - Dad and I haven't got a cent.

What about that defense plant and that box at the opera house and the big limousine?

And the 10 million dollars in bonds your dad's gonna buy?

The defense plant belongs to Uncle Horatio.

The box at the Cosmopolitan, Uncle Elliott.

The limousine, Aunt Martha's. And as for the 10 million dollars?

Well, that was just part of our act.

We thought by pretending to be wealthy you'd be impressed and I'd get the job.

It's pretty nice pretending, all right.

I planned to get the contract out of you on the hay-ride tonight.

Before you found out the truth about us.

It looks like I was really taken for a hay-ride, doesn't it?

I couldn't go through with it Kay because it... well it...

It doesn't matter now!

Well, did you get the contract?

I could have had two contracts. - Two contracts?

You mean one for singing and one for dancing?

One with the band and one for marriage. - Marriage!

Wonderful! That moon must have been brighter than I thought.

Yes, only I was under it too.

Well congratulations my dear, I'm sure we'll both be very happy with him.

I told him we were phonies!

He must have been delighted to hear it...

You told him what?

I just had to tell him Dad!

CARVER: Uh-oh. (JULIE SOBBING)

I understand. Never mind dear.

Your mother fell in love with me on a hay-ride also.

I guess it runs in the family.

I'm sorry I let you down, Pop. - Never mind. Forget it dear.

I guess we better make the first bus out in the morning.

I got a bus schedule here somewhere.

Let's see, the bus is leaving for Port Sherry, Muskatel, Sorturn...

...wrong schedule. Here we are. There's a bus leaving at 8 in the morning.

We'd better be on it.

Julie? Julie?

You know my dear, I've been toying with the idea of going to work.

Why, Dad! You must be ill!

Well, I don't believe I'll toy with it any longer.

Bus for Washington, New York.

Here's our bus. - If I only possessed the wealth

of my tight-fisted family.

CARVER: Wait a minute.

What's the matter? - We're not going? - Why not?

Because I've got a scheme. A scheme that may solve everything.

No thanks, Dad. I've had enough of your schemes.

But this is different, Julie. I'll bet every dollar I've got in the world on it.

Don't worry about a thing. I got you into this mess, I'll get you out.

Just you trust your father to help you.

My goodness, it's dark in there.

Incidentally, would you please trust your father for another $5?

I've got to send some telegrams.

ANNOUNCER: Good evening folks. How are y'all? (CROWD CHEERING)

This is Kay Kyser getting underway with the barn rally for all the folks

in Rocky Mount, Edgecomb, and North Carolina.

We got a bit too big for our britches when all those folks up in New York

bought bonds to help us build a cruiser down here.

And then we found out we couldn't take credit for it.

So tonight we're going to try to do what we originally planned, to sell

8 million dollars in bonds to build a destroyer called, "Rocky Mount."

That's a lot of millions and I know all the people that are

here in person have really done all they could.

Oh, excuse me ma'am. May I help you?

Is Phineas Carver registered here? - Yes ma'am. Room 308.

Shall I announce you? - Never mind. I'll announce myself.

So we're asking you folks who couldn't come to the rally to phone in your pledges now.

Third floor, please!

Third floor!

It's just across the hall ma'am.

CARVER: Well, welcome, Minerva. Come in.

I came as soon as I received your telegram. I would have been here sooner but...

Good evening Minerva!

What is this? A secret business meeting or a convention?

That's what we wanted to know!

Now that we're all here suppose you tell us just what this is all about.

Shhh! Someone may hear you.

This must be bigger than we thought.

Is there any risk attached to this deal?

None at all. It's guaranteed to pay you a handsome profit in ten years.

I always knew you had it in you, Phineas. - Well, what is it?

War bonds. - War bonds?

Do you mean to say you brought us down here for that? - Yes.

I wanted you to buy enough bonds to build a cruiser for Rocky Mount.

You must be insane.

We buy all our bonds at home. It's the most idiotic thing I've ever heard.

Phineas, you unlock that door! - Well, that settles it.

I guess I'll just have to have that book published now.

What book?

A little epic I had stashed off, entitled "Skeletons in the Carver Closet."

I just finished it. It's bound to be a best-seller.

Perhaps you'd like to have me read a chapter or two.

It might make you change your mind.

I've just gotten the first report on the financial returns of the rally.

Your cash purchases and telephone pledges bring the grand total to...

$4,800,000.

And I'm quite sure that the next time brother Elliott goes to Atlantic City

he will take his bathing suit with him.

For shame, Elliott. For shame.

The next chapter concerns you, brother Horatio.

It's titled, "Casanova Carver."

It chronicles the amusing tale of a Wall Street tycoon

who took it on the lam through a famous actress' window

while pursued by a jealous pistol-packing papa.

So that's how you caught pneumonia.

I did not! And don't be so smug Martha. You've seem to forget which Carver has been

seen in which nightclub, with which baratone.

Stop calling me a witch!

Shall I continue?

This is nothing but blackmail.

Call it that if you wish.

The next chapter is devoted to you, Minerva.

In December, 1938, the very dignified Minerva Carver

while at a party at a New York hotspot...

...suddenly decided to do a fan dance to the strains of the Blue Danube.

Stop. Come to think of it, I could use a few more bonds.

And now this family is the greatest act of it's kind in the whole world.

The Christiani Family!

(CROWD CLAPPING)

(CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYING)

Where were you? You're late! - Hey, what are you trying to do? Hey!

C'mon, c'mon, get out there!

We're still a million dollars short.

Oh, it looks like we've missed the boat again, Kay.

I might as well go out there and give them the bad news.

Has anybody here... - Julie!

Would you all mind? I'd like to see Miss Carver alone for a minute.

Oh sure. - Thank you.

Gee, I'm glad you came back.

I only came back to give you these. - I've missed you so!

Seems like you've been gone for years. - Here they are.

Twenty million dollars. More than Dad promised you.

I was going to follow you up north, right after the show.

These checks are good. They're written by the rich Carvers - $20,000,000.

I shouldn't have acted the way I did, Julie. $20,000,000!

Boing! Boing!

* Beauty little Rhode Island So fancy free *

Forgive me kids, but I've got news so great it just won't keep.

Folks, we are gonna have our cruiser. I've got checks totalling over

$20,000,000!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Telegram for Mr. Kyser. - Yes.

Well you know gang, when I make a promise...

We seem to be alone. - Is that bad?