Original subtitles

Greetings from Tromaville, and welcome

to the digitally remastered version of the DVD

of Squeeze-- "Squeeze Play."

[GRUNT]

"Squeeze Play" was made around 1977.

And like so many Troma movies, drew its inspiration

and its theme from current events, news stories

of the day-- in this case, the women's liberation movement,

the most important American revolution of our century.

"Squeeze Play" has an amazing special effect,

where a softball actually flies into a man's butt hole.

Many people want to know how we did that.

First, we had a man eat a softball.

Then, we turned on the cameras, and we

waited until he defecated.

[FARTING NOISE]

But perhaps "Squeeze Play" is the first women's liberation

film in the history of cinema which actually has

a graphic wet T-shirt contest.

"Squeeze Play" was also interesting in that Al Corley

is one of the stars of the film, and he went on to become

Carly Simon's squeeze.

And he starred in "Dallas" on television.

And, um, also-- uh-- what the hell is wrong with my brain?

Ah, yes.

Jim Harris became not only the star of "Squeeze Play,"

but he went on to star in "Waitress."

Jennifer Hetrick, after "Squeeze Play,"

became a star of "LA Law."

"Squeeze Play," while it's a movie about the women's

liberation, and that's the theme,

"Squeeze Play" concerns a women's softball team.

Made 1976, it is not to be confused

with the much inferior movie, "League of Their Own,"

directed by Penny Marshall.

"Squeeze Play"-- -I love you.

Oh, squeeze--

I'm gonna squeeze you.

Oh, I think it's time for us to watch

the digitally remastered, director's cut version,

of "Squeeze Play."

Let's watch.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR (VOICEOVER): There are ten thousand

stories in the big city.

This isn't one of them.

Now, this is the story of Spring Down, New Jersey, where

the residents only know New York exists

when they look across the river or when

the wind blows the wrong way.

Today there's only one thing that interests

this sturdy breed.

[HEAVY BREATHING]

[HORN HONKING]

[HORN HONKING]

[HORN HONKING]

And that's softball.

Oh, I gotta go.

S-- Samantha, I gotta get off.

I gotta get off.

You've gotta get off?

What about me? -Sorry, honey.

It's a big game.

Wes, just a couple more minutes.

They can wait.

Wes. Ugh.

I'll see you at the game, honey?

-Yeah. -Love you.

Yeah. [KISS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I am sick and tired of asking you.

No more softball! -Yes, yes, that's right.

You hear me?

I told you, you couldn't make chicken salad

without a chicken shit.

[HORN HONKING]

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Take care of this baby, too!

You don't need no softball!

[BABY CRYING]

Where are you going, Tom?

Hold this baby.

I'm tired of you and your softball!

Yes, baby, I know.

OK.

No, you're not.

You said you were going to finish that sink.

Look, tomorrow. Tomorrow.

It's been six weeks since you started it.

I'll do it tomorrow. Don't worry about it.

I'll do it tomorrow. -I'm trying--

I don't blame you for crying.

Your father's a bum.

Tom, you forgot your kiss goodbye.

[BABY CRYING AND DOG BARKING]

[CRASH]

Hey, you guys.

What do you think, turkeys?

Do you like the new suit?

GUYS: Hey, come on, Freddie.

Come on.

The night is young.

Hey, I'm coming.

I'm coming.

GUYS: Come on.

Come on.

What are you doing?

[LAUGHING]

Come on, let's go.

It's a banner day for Spring Down athletic supporters.

Let me set it up for you, folks.

SOFTBALL PLAYER: Batter up.

GAME ANNOUNCER: This is it-- the big one.

The Rockville Animals versus the Spring Down Beavers

with the highly coveted Mattress Workers

Softball League Championship, the granddaddy of them all.

UMPIRE: Strike one.

GAME ANNOUNCER: They say you're not

supposed to have a scoreless tie in a regulation softball game.

They say you're not supposed to go into extra innings

beyond the regulation seven.

They say that falling in love is wonderful.

They say a lot of things, but they are not here today.

So you can understand why the hometown

fans are little upset with their own scoreless Beavers.

Oh, boy. Big shot.

[BABY CRYING]

GAME ANNOUNCER: The Beavers have two out.

Wes is on third.

Allen is on first, Fred Smudge is up.

Up, there's a signal.

The pitcher picks it up.

The Beavers are on to it.

Something's up, folks.

I think it might be-- yes, folks,

we are on to a squeeze play, and the crowd senses it, too.

The tension is tremendous.

Why, you could almost hear a pin drop.

(SHOUTING) Yay, Freddie!

Yeah!

Well, now that we have a moment of silence--

thank you-- let me fill you in on the fundamental basics

of a squeeze play.

It may seem a bit complicated to the uninitiated,

but actually it's quite simple.

First, you have a man on home plate,

a man here on the pitcher's mound, a man at shortstop,

and a man on third. Now, wait a minute.

That's not it.

This man, the pitcher should be at-- no, that's not it.

Now, wait a minute.

Uh, this man should be-- up, it's a bunt, folks.

It's the opening gambit to a classic squeeze play.

[GULP]

-Safe. -He's safe!

He's safe!

A perfectly executed squeeze play, folks.

Yes, Cunningham is surely the hero of the day.

When Spring Down hits its mattresses tonight,

Cunningham's name will doubtless be

on every pair of sleepy lips.

[WOOSH]

Oh, [NON-ENGLISH].

Ow!

Geez, what's the matter with you, man?

I think you broke my hand.

Oh, what happened, Wesley?

Did you hurt your hand?

No, you hurt my hand, you big jerk!

Oh, yeah, what are you going to about it?

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

--[INAUDIBLE] love what I'm going to do.

-A fairy feet? -Fairy feet!

What are you going to do about it?

You're always calling me a fairy and something.

What's the matter with you? -So what?

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What's the matter, Bozo?

Can't you take a joke?

We're friends.

Oh-- wha-- w-- I-- wait a minutes.

I got something for you, right here.

Look at this. Look what I got for you.

That's a game bat because you're my friend.

Oh, you're so cute.

What's the matter with him? I him him, he give me a bat.

-Oh, hey, Bozo. -Yeah.

What's that? -Suck on this.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Honey, that's the worst thing that ever happened to you.

Oh, no.

Wes and I have worked it out.

He's going to quit.

Ha.

Wes is a different kind of guy.

He wouldn't do that.

Hey, has anyone seen my jock?

Hey, I had to play the whole game without it.

God, my gonads are gone.

Where is it? -Woo!

Hey, look up your ass. See for yourself.

Hey.

Anyone seen my jock?

Oh, oh.

Anyone seen my jock?

Oh, ow.

Has anyone seen my jock strap?

Keep slipping.

You'll find it.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Here's the beer, champ.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Come on, man.

You always have to get in the way.

No, just stay away.

Hey, Wes, that was a great game.

Thanks a lot, Pop.

That's all right.

Think nothing of it.

You guys are number one.

Pop!

Man, you are one stupid geezer, man.

How are you doing there, big guy.

I-- I-- I've just gotten off the telephone with,

uh, Mr. Van Hooten.

And, um-- -Uh oh!

Sock it to him, Beavs.

[LAUGHING]

And, uh-- he has authorized me, on behalf of the entire

company, to congratulate you Beavers and especially,

uh, your team captain, uh, Mr.-- uh, uh, Wes Cunningham--

Wes Cunningham, yeah!

That's him.

--on a-- on another hard fart-- um--

I mean, hard fought victory.

He just wants to know that we are all very proud.

Now, if you could all bow your heads--

Aww!

--just for a moment of silence.

And it-- and-- this isn't right.

Uh, there's a regulation listed.

I'm an officer of the corporation,

and hey-- oh, my suit.

My suit!

Wes Cunningham, the dry luck.

Hey, hey, Mr. Macho Balls, what took you so long coming

down the line today, huh?

You kidding?

That's the fastest he's ever left the sack.

Hey, Wes, you gonna grab a brew from Cuss from Hoe?

No, man.

I got some things to do.

Hey, you guys don't know?

Everything's got to be cleared with Samantha.

Oh, bullshit.

Captain's supposed to drink with his team, Wessy.

Hey, you can take her along, Wes.

Oh, what!

Expose her to us cruder types?

Contaminate the princess?

The only thing you assholes contaminate

are your right hands.

Ooh.

Hey, I'm left-handed.

Let me tell you guys something.

This is one guy who doesn't let no female woman

of the opposite sex push him around, man.

[FLUSH]

Oh, shit.

[LAUGHING]

Damn it!

Fuck, you guys!

Now listen carefully, Jamie.

Now you try to keep your tongue out of the way.

Then you suck in real hard.

[SMACK] Don't make any noise.

Go ahead, try it.

[SMACKING KISS]

Oh, Samantha.

Jamie, that was good.

Now listen.

If he gives you a hickey, here's how you get rid of it.

You take a comb, all right?

And you comb right across, like this, OK?

That'll make it go away.

Samantha, this is stupid.

He never even touched me.

Fred doesn't even know I'm alive.

Jamie, I know.

Why don't you accidentally bump into him.

You know, like this.

What?

Let your tits do the talking, sis.

Listen, toilet mouth, if you don't shut up,

I'm going to tell Ma about those magazines

I found under your bed.

Ah, Samantha.

I don't want Fred to love me for my you know.

I know.

I know.

You've got a mind, too.

But what's bigger?

Samantha!

Huh.

Here-- here comes your fiance.

Oh, I'd better go.

See ya.

Well, take care.

[RASPBERRY]

Hi, breast.

Hiya, sailor.

New in town?

Hey, I'll meet you on the docks in an hour.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, I want to drive.

Scoot over.

Alrighty.

Watch what you're grabbing there, Samantha.

I'm not that kind of guy.

What did ya do?

Bring along your [INAUDIBLE] little slugger?

Hey, why don't you choke up on it,

and see if it'll get ya to first base.

[SMOOCH]

Mm.

Come on, man.

What the hell are you doing, jock?

I mean--

Hey, listen, man.

I'll meet you at the Cuss from Hoe.

OK. Here, [INAUDIBLE].

Have your beer.

See ya, later, OK?

What about some women.

Hey, don't worry about the poo-- tang, you know.

We're going to be swimming in it.

Hi, Fred.

Hi.

I-- I-- I've got something for you.

What's that, James.

Here.

Uh.

Here, Fred.

Uh, uh, I don't use any of this stuff, Jamie.

I've got something for ya.

It's-- it's right here.

It's all right, Jamie, uh--

H-- here it is.

You dropped this this morning.

I washed it for you.

Uh, nope.

Uh, that's not mine.

Yeah, 'cuz it's too big.

Ah, shut.

See ya, tonight?

Maybe?

My best suit.

NARRATOR (VOICEOVER): Meanwhile, in another part of town, events

taking place in the exciting world of high fashion

may forever change the course of Spring Down history.

And you're sure I'm gonna look just like Farrah Fawcett?

Yes, ma'am.

Our work is guaranteed.

Oh, I can hardly wait.

Oh.

[GASP] Oh, a new me.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Fantasy Street.

Don't yell at me, lady.

Your hair will grow back, blonde.

This is a nice place you got here.

You the proprietor?

I'm the proprietor, yeah.

What can I do for ya?

You making fun of me?

No, I'm not makin' fun of you.

Oh.

Well, in that case, here's my card.

Oh, Mr. Kock, huh?

What do you want, Mr. Kock.

That's Ko-CH.

You seen this tomato?

You a cop, Mr. Kock?

Private Dic, and that's Ko-ch.

Private dish.

That's dic.

Dick Kock.

Dic Koch.

Sam Ko-- Sam Koch-- Koch!

Look, you seen her, or ain't ya?

I've got your card.

I'll keep a wat-ch, Mr. Ko- CH.

Thank-S. Thanks a lot.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

[GASP]

Oh.

Mary Lou, it's not time for your break yet, is it?

Uh, I don't feel so good.

Well, you feel fine to me.

There was just someone here asking for you.

Um, what did you tell him?

Tell him?

Well, Mary Lou, I wouldn't tell him anything

without talking to you first.

Oh, thank you, Monsignor Pierre.

Mm, no.

Now I don't know what that man wanted,

and frankly I don't care.

Just so long as you play ball with me,

I think we'll just get along fine.

Gee, Mr. Pierre, you know, I haven't

played ball in a while-- and no, not since I left Georgia.

Mm-hm.

But I still think I know exactly where they are.

Oof.

[SCREAMING]

Help, my hair!

(SCREAMING) Ahh!

Ahh!

Keep your filthy hands off me, [INAUDIBLE].

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Call the fire department.

Mary Lou, look what-- look at my hair.

[FIRE TRUCK SIREN]

Look what you did, Mary Lou!

Look what you've done to my hair.

Oh.

Hey, man, watch this.

I have you already because my legs is

candy because it tastes good.

[HORNS HONKING]

Woo!

Whoa!

Hey, get outta here before I break your face.

I'm going. I'm going.

Bye.

[INAUDIBLE] break my faces.

Oh, Marie-- she really cracks me up.

She's so cynical .

She thinks that were going to be playing softball next year.

I say, "No way."

I mean, you know how much it would hurt me.

Great game today.

Gonna do even better next year, right, babe?

Hey, come on, babe.

So I tell her it's absolutely untrue because of our agreement

about how after we're married, no more softball,

no more of this Cuss From Hoe?

Just you and me, together.

Hey, wait, wait.

If they think we're great this year,

wait till they see us next year.

Oh.

Later, Doc.

DOC EVANS: Next year, you'll--

Wasn't that Doc Evans?

Yeah.

Man, am I thirsty.

Anyway, I mean, our relationship

is based on love and trust, and I would think that we would--

Well, exactly.

Quick question, quick question.

Later, Godfrey, OK.

The bus company, they want a deposit for next season.

What should I tell them?

Well, why are you asking Wes?

Next year's captain's gotta decide.

Wes?

Godfrey, can we talk about this later?

Just what does that mean, next year's captain?

Isn't that great, honey--

You're going to play softball!

You're going to be captain!

You're going to leave me alone in the house,

just like the others. Well, let me tell you something.

I hate soap operas!

Samantha, will you calm down, please?

Don't you tell me to calm down, Wes!

You broke your promise to me!

I know, baby.

I'm sorry, but I was going to tell you.

I swear it.

Listen, it's just not fair, you know?

I'm their captain.

I'm a hero.

I couldn't quit.

Look, you're going to be married to me, not them.

Honey, listen, you know, I'll get old.

I can't play forever.

Yeah?

So what do I do?

Wait around until you're 65, and I'll have you all to myself?

So?

And listen, on one said you couldn't be a part of it.

All you had to do was go out there and try out for yourself.

Sure, Wes.

Right. Sure.

ONLOOKER: Does your mommy know you're out?

Some, honey, I think you're just

a little bit jealous of the time we men spend together.

Leave me alone!

Honey, I love you.

What about all the children and silverware we're going to have?

Huh?

Wes, this is you, the way you're being right now.

I hate the way you are when you're

with those grab-assing baboons.

All right.

They're young, but they'll settle down.

They're the ones who are jealous, you know?

They don't want you to love me.

Look, we'll teach them about love, huh?

Together.

GIRL IN THE CROWD: I don't care how big it

is, I won't put it in my mouth.

NARRATOR (VOICEOVER): And so, with a little fast talking,

Wes lifts his fiance up to the heady heights

of starry-eyed lovers everywhere and convinces

her to join in the post-game revelry at the local bistro.

[MUSIC - CAROL CASS, "LAST LICKS"]

Meanwhile, Mary Lou makes her travel arrangements.

She's going on a ride that will take her where no Southern

belle has ever been before.

MARY LOU: I need to make a phone call.

GIRL IN THE CAR: Oh, yeah. Sure.

We were just going to, uh-- MARY LOU: Pull in here

GIRL IN THE CAR: Yeah. Maybe we'll, uh--

MARY LOU: Have a drink.

GIRL IN THE CAR: Yeah.

MARY LOU: Well, fuck you!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

God damn it, me.

Why do I always-- I bet you this doesn't happen to Ann Margaret.

Billy's waiting for me in the car.

Shit!

I hope I'm not too late.

If he thinks I'm going to be polishing

Chantilly silverware the rest of my life, he is crazy.

Who was the last man that rang your bell?

I'm telling ya, all men are jerks!

W-- Well, maybe some.

But when I was a little girl, my daddy--

my daddy would come over and he would take us to the--

All daddies are jerks.

-Well, what does she know? -Come on.

Let's go. -My daddy's not a jerk.

What does she mean all daddies are jerks?

I'll get you some food. How's that?

Who, Gator?

Hey, lady, what's that between your legs?

Oh, it's nothing but Jimmy's head.

[MUSIC - THE EDSELS, "RAMA LAMA DING DONG]

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

NARRATOR (VOICEOVER): Cupid's arrow often goes astray.

And who's to say a Georgia peach shouldn't fall in love

with a popcorn-stuffed buffoon?

[CROWD CHEERS AND YELLING]

You think that's bad?

Last week, a girl had to walk out of here in a table cloth.

It's like Sodom and Gonorrhea.

What on earth gives them the right?

Softball.

In this town, softball's the big deal.

When the guys win, they think they own the world.

Softball.

Lord, Almighty, I'd like to soften their--

Ooh!

NARRATOR (VOICEOVER): And Samantha

begins to realize that her new friend's pitching talent may be

the answer to the dilemma faced by Spring

Down's female population.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Let's get some beers.

Hey, Rita, what do you got there?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.

Put those down.

Put them right here.

[SHRIEK]

Nothing works.

Hey, Jamie, do you play softball?

What?

Look, this is Mary Lou.

She was GWSL champ three times in a row.

What?

What she means is that I played with the Georgia

Women's Softball League for three years-- all star.

What?

Look, what if a woman made the factory team?

Made the Beavers?

What?

Don't you see, a woman player.

It's already happening in the little leagues.

What?

Ugh.

Look, if the guys had to play with a female Beaver,

they'd let us all into that part of their lives.

Great, Sam, and after the game we

could sit around polishing their bats

and talking about pop-offs.

Uh-uh.

Not me.

That wouldn't be so bad.

Fred would have the shiniest bat on the team.

At least we'd be talking.

Teach them some respect.

For everyone.

You bet.

Sam, they'll never give her a try-out.

Never, never, in a million years.

You let me handle that.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Let's go up to my place.

I've got a surprise for you.

Well, Samantha, I'm comfortable.

Let's just stay in my place.

-No, come on. -Oh, OK, OK.

I'm coming. -Come on, Wes.

Watch the stairs, Sam, would ya?

Now. Come on.

I want you.

Hurry.

You know, if my bath hadn't overflowed into your dinner

table, we may never have met.

Oh, it's been a real pleasure living under you, Sam.

I've now had the ultimate experience of spaghetti

with Palmolive sauce.

[DOOR CLOSING]

[SWANKY MUSIC PLAYING]

Wes, you made messy.

Let me clean it up!

Mm, mm, mm.

Samantha?

Wes, you may not know this, but you really turned me

on this afternoon when you won the game

with that magnificent play.

Oh, you mean the squeeze play.

Squeeze play?

What a cute name.

You know, I know so little about these things.

Teach me, Wes.

Please, teach me.

Mm, mm, mm.

Mm.

Sh-- sure.

Oh, baby.

Squeeze play.

What's the matter?

Talk to me with your mouth not your hands.

Samantha, damn it, I'm looking to feel like a yo-yo.

When you were on the field in that sweatsuit T-shirt,

clinging to those rippling muscles,

I could hardly wait to dig my nails into that hairy chest.

Oh!

Oh.

Mm, yeah.

Now, how did that squeeze play go?

--[SIGH] Well, you see, you've gotta have a man on third.

Mm, my baby face.

Mm, mm, yeah.

Mm.

Yeah, and the batter gets up there,

and he lays down a big bunch.

And the runner gets squeezed home, and then he--

Scores!

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

Mm, mm.

Samantha, I've never see you like this before.

Oh, no, Wes.

Softball is so sexy.

I mean with all those oily gloves and long flies.

[ZIPPER OPENING] -Oh, whoa, wait-- wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

What are you up to, Samantha.

Why, nothing, Wes.

I just like to play with you.

Don't you like to play with me?

Of course, baby.

I love you.

I heard that some of your friends

don't like to play with us girls.

Well, see, I can't answer for them because--

I've heard they play softball to get away from women.

Mm, I love women!

Let me prove it.

Mm-mm.

Think you can handle something new, iron thighs.

Oh, anything.

Oh, anything, baby.

I've got an open mind.

Oh, shit!

I'm so glad you said that.

I mean about having an open mind.

Because if there was a woman good enough,

you'd play her on the team, right?

On my team?

Right?

Mm, mm, (MUMBLING) if she was good enough and [MUMBLING].

What was that, baby cakes?

I said, sure, if she was good enough

and didn't mind showering with the guys.

Come here.

Mm, mm.

Come on, Wes.

You're man enough.

Give a girl a try-out.

Come on, you can do it.

-Huh? -Give her a try-out.

Do it.

Oh, do it?

Do it, Wes.

Mm, do it. Do it.

OK, I'll do it!

Oh, I love you.

Mm.

Oh.

W-- w-- S-- Sam?

Oh, Sam.

Ah.

Samantha.

WES: Actually, it was Samantha that blew it.

GUYS: Uh-huh.

WES: Oh, come on, guys.

Ease up, huh?

I already told you I was a very, very vulnerable position.

GUYS: Pshh.

Hey, guys, you know.

What position was that.

Girlfriend's got him pussy whipped.

Are you sure this is what you want?

Yeah, just the way I like them.

NARRATOR (VOICEOVER): Wes invites his teammates

to an impeccably catered gourmet luncheon

in order to convince them to give Mary Lou a try-out.

What are you guys so uptight about, anyway?

Huh?

So we go ahead, and we give this broad a try-out--

And she fails.

Right.

But what if she's good.

Maybe she can play.

[LULLABY MUSIC PLAYING]

[SNORING]

SAMANTHA: Why the hell is Beasley

taking so long with her?

Oh, keep your armpits dry.

I mean, suppose Beasley gives Mary Lou a job,

and suppose Mary Lou gets a try-out,

and suppose she's really terrific

and even makes the team-- so what?

I'm not sure, but do you see the way they act around women?

Yeah, they'd be better off picking their noses

and smiling.

You know, I don't want to ruin softball for them.

I just want them to loosen up a little bit.

Do you think I'm being a bitch?

Honey, believe me.

I've tried everything.

Two mints in one, cling-free fabric softener,

even a disposable douche.

When it comes to their softball, nothing works.

[DOOR OPENING]

MARY LOU: Thank you, very much, Mr. Beasley.

Here they come.

Hey, can you shut up?

I'm trying to work.

Eh, smoke in bed, huh?

Oh, Miss Howard?

Yes.

Would you have one of the girls show Miss Wadley.

Around the factory?

She's going to join our merry mattress family.

Good luck, Miss Wadley.

Uh, thank you very much, Mr. Beasley.

Great going.

Phase one is completed.

Now, try-outs.

Samantha, I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

I mean, you're not going to let us down, are you, Mary Lou?

No.

Good.

Jamie.

Hi.

Hey, you remember Mary Lou, right?

Yeah.

Uh, listen, uh, she's going to be working with us.

Will you show her around, please?

-Uh-huh. -Great.

I've got lots to do, OK?

Bye-bye.

Pigs in the chicken coop!

You put me down!

Well, it was the only way I could get you alone, Mary Lou.

You know my name?

Yeah.

I kinda asked around.

You did?

Yeah, and I wanted to apologize for the other night.

I mean, the thing that happened about the squeeze--

I mean the grab-- I mean the pulling of your-- I

mean the thing that happened in the Cuss From Hoe,

the thing with--

NARRATOR (VOICEOVER): And so Buddy

sweeps Mary Lou off her feet, taking

advantage of his glibness and silky smooth talking style.

--embarrass you like that, I swear to God.

And that's the reason-- that's the reason that I

wanted to tell you about this.

Because that's the reason that-- that I'm here.

Because I wanted to tell you.

Will you please put me down?

No, not till you say hi to me, and you promise to go

to the beach with me Saturday.

OK.

OK?

Woo-woo!

[SCREAM]

[WHISTLES]

[SCREAM]

Woo-wee!

Yee-ha!

Woo!

[SCREAMS]

Oh.

Hey, are you OK?

Oh.

Ah.

Are you sure you're OK?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, can I get you an aspirin or something?

Uh, I'm sorry about the brakes.

Oh.

Oh, that's OK, Buddy.

Don't worry about it.

Hey, you know my name, too.

Oh, yeah.

I kinda asked around.

[MUSIC - THE EDSELS, "RAMA LAMA DING DONG"]

I could follow you from here to eternity.

What-- don't-- ever want that.

[SLAP] What kind of girl do you think I am?

You keep your hands-- [GASP] oh!

Oh.

Ah.

[SCREAM]

[SCREAM]

[SCREAM]

[SCREAM]

I'm sorry.

OK.

BOZO: Hey, Wes!

[LAUGHING]

--[INAUDIBLE] You don't understand.

You'll get hurt.

[INAUDIBLE] That's enough.

Mary Lou, you're driving me crazy.

Come on.

Oh, Buddy.

It's my father.

He gets jealous.

Your father?

Yeah.

He don't like me seeing fellas.

Mary Lou, th-- that's-- that's a little weird.

I mean, come on.

I know.

But, Henry McGallister.

Who's Henry McCalliston?

McGallister.

Now don't you start getting jealous.

Oh, honestly, Buddy.

He's not a thing around you.

Sure?

Yeah.

Hey, Buddy!

How're your balls, huh?

I bet they're like this now. [LAUGHING]

[SPLASH]

Give 'em hell, Mary Lou!

Come on!

Mary Lou, you can't go though with this.

I don't see why not.

Mary Lou, they're going to eat you for lunch out there.

(SPEAKING IN A HIGH VOICE) Ah! Time out.

Time out.

I have a thorn in my sock.

I hear she got a good move with a man on.

[LAUGHING]

Hey, you guys!

(SPEAKING IN A HIGH VOICE) Now, wipe your feet before you

touch home plate, you know.

I just cleaned it up.

That's funny, Fred.

(SPEAKING IN A HIGH VOICE) And remember, girls,

there's certain times of the month

that we can't play ball at all.

GIRLS IN THE STANDS: -Boo!

Hey, why is that, you guys?

Boo! Boo!

Boo!

Boo!

Don't do this, OK?

Why not?

Because you'll get hurt.

Whoa!

[CHEERING]

[HICCUP]

Hey, if you guys think you're through getting me in trouble,

you think maybe we can go ahead with this try-out?

-Ooh. -Oh.

Yes, sir.

Here you go, Putz.

GIRLS IN THE STANDS: Go!

Do it, Mary Lou!

Come on, girl. Come on.

Yeah!

Yeah!

[INAUDIBLE]

[CHEERING]

[SWISH]

[SWIPE]

[SWISH]

[SWIPE]

[SWISH]

[SWIPE]

That girl's a pro.

I could work with her.

[CRACK]

Time out, come on.

Time out. Come on.

Get in here, you guys. Time out.

Let's go.

You gotta give her some advice.

Here's what you've gotta do, look Russ is one of our best

hitters, right, you know? And he's a pitcher.

He knows what to expect.

What you've gotta do is really whip the ball, you know.

Just stick it.

Ow!

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Get off me!

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Hey, Fred.

Come on, man.

What are you doing?

[SHOUTING]

Oh!

[SHOUTING AND GRUNTING]

Turn at him.

Turn it.

Now you're goin'.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Ow!

Mary Lou, I'm so sorry.

I was a fool to think that they would be fair to you.

Are you going to be all right?

Mary Lou?

You leave her alone!

Mary Lou!

Hey, well, I'm sorry.

Don't you talk to me!

Look, I tried to tell you--

You come back here, I'll beat you into tomorrow!

Samantha, I tried to warn you.

That is what happens when you put a woman on a man's team.

Oh, yeah?

And it's not because of the way you were treating her?

Hey, listen, our opponents would probably

treat her the same way.

Oh, your opponents would pat her on the ass, huh?

Hey, with the teams we play, yeah.

They'd probably do worse things.

You'd let them, to your own teammates?

Hey, what did you expect us to be, anyway?

Teammates or babysitters?

I expected you to be fair!

Look, will you face it once and for all?

Softball is a man's game!

Yeah?

Then what are you doing on the team?

Oh, that's very cute, very-- what?

What are you doing?

Damn it.

What do you think you're doing here?

Hey, look.

Why don't you just come over tonight?

You know, we'll have one of our sweet little talks,

a little bit of this, a little bit of that.

Look, Samantha, I'm already horse's shit from all the crap

that's been going on today.

Now will you please just say yes?

OK, Wes.

I'll be over.

Yeah?

See, honey.

Aren't you glad we had this little talk?

Oh, you don't know how glad.

Mm.

Now you promise you're not going to tell anyone, right?

Oh, I promise.

Good. OK.

So, guess what?

This is so much fun.

I can't-- what's the manual say comes next?

You know, Wes, I've been thinking.

You were right.

We can't have a woman playing on a man's team.

Women shouldn't play with men, you know.

We're not smart enough.

We could never keep our mind on the game.

Because all we would ever think about it you

big, strong, athletic, macho men.

Now, Samantha, don't be rash, honey.

Mary Lou is a nice girl.

She just needs a little more practice is all.

No.

You're just saying that to let us down easy.

Mary Lou had no place being on that team.

No, no, honey.

Now I meant every word of it.

She's a nice girl.

She just needs to practice some more.

Now you know me better than that.

Now, Wes, the place for a woman is in the home.

That's just where I'm going-- up to my home.

Oh, not my glove, Samantha.

Geez, that's my John Joyce autograph.

Oh, not my glove.

Sam.

S-- s-- Sam?

Samantha?

Samantha, honey?

Sweetheart, aren't you forgetting something,

baby cakes?

That's right.

How silly of me.

You really had me worried.

I mean, I really thought you were going to leave

me here like this, and I was--

VOICE ON RECORD: Hello, boys and girls!

Sam, no!

VOICE ON RECORD: It's your Uncle Jimmy.

Sam, my pants, Sam!

VOICE ON RECORD: Let's dress ourselves, today.

Samantha, come back here.

See ya, on the ball field, slugger.

VOICE ON RECORD: And follow me! -Ha ha, OK.

Good joke, Sam.

Be careful not to trip over your bags.

OK, just-- Sam?

Samantha, come back here!

Sam?

Oh, no.

VOICE ON RECORD (SINGING): Now put on your undershirt.

Whoosh, whoosh!

Quiet building, and our tenants are so dignified.

VOICE ON RECORD: Once upon the foot.

Toot, toot, toot.

And the shirt--

Samantha!

Oh, I'm gonna get you for this.

VOICE ON RECORD: And the hat goes on between these ears--

Oh, hi, there.

VOICE ON RECORD: And the shirts go

right over that toe! [LAUGHING]

N-- nice-- nice day?

Ahem.

VOICE ON RECORD: Your [INAUDIBLE].

[CLINK]

Please.

Don't touch me!

I'll tell you something.

I'm sick of you and all your cute little friends.

And I think it's high time you all learn the good lesson.

[APPLAUSE]

I still say we don't have a chance.

It's a game, [INAUDIBLE].

Samantha's talking to Miss Cheasley right now.

I don't know what she expects.

To whip their asses, that's what.

Listen, let's face it.

They've been playing ball all their lives.

We'll get stomped.

Yeah.

Stomped?

I'd be the one to know about that, all right?

Wasn't it back in the eastern league?

'54 it was.

Ah.

Deuces were wild.

It was 2-2, 2 on.

(WHISPERING) It was 2-2, on.

(SHOUTING) A high inside pitch.

I swung and--

You hit it over the fence.

That's right.

How did you know?

That's great, Pop.

Dream on.

It wasn't a dream.

It happened.

And it can happen to you.

Come on, Pop.

You can't expect us to go out--

It can't nothing!

We hadn't won a game all season long.

Desire was what we had.

But more than that, you've got to not be afraid to try!

We can't expect nothing but to try.

I'll give anything a try.

Hey, remember, the pressure is on them.

You know, just-- just playing them would be a victory.

To hell with that!

A victory would be a victory.

We're not going out there to look good.

We're going out there to win!

So what are we waiting for?

-Right! -Right!

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

What's going on?

We're gonna play softball with the Beavers.

And we're gonna whup their asses.

I'll go.

[INAUDIBLE]

Wait a minute.

Ooh, oh.

Ah!

I fixed-- [CRASH] ow!

What's the matter?

[BABY CRYING]

Huh?

How many times have I told you not to put

this damn stuff in the sink?

Well, if you had've fixed it when

I asked you to, six weeks ago, we wouldn't have that problem.

In the trash. In the trash!

Would you, Tom?

No.

Not in the sink.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

Baby Riggs, oh.

Hold it right there, honey.

Uh-uh.

Go on, turn around.

Here, here, here. Take the baby.

Take the baby.

OK.

Now I left bottles in the refrigerator.

No, baby, I gotta go.

And there are some Pampers by the bed.

And, um, I'll be back about 3:00 or so.

I've gotta play softball with the girls.

OK? [CAR HORN HONKING]

SAMANTHA: Come on, Maureen.

Sam, I'll be right there.

No, she won't, Sam.

Wait, wait, wait.

Maureen, hold on, hold on.

Now just what-- what about the psychological effects of it,

aren't you?

Wait, you didn't think of that, did ya?

Wait, wait.

Maureen, I'm telling ya. Huh?

His mother going out to play softball.

Uh-huh.

His father staying here to nurse him.

-Uh-huh. -No, no, no.

He's going to grow up to be a fag, and you don't want that.

Oh, don't be silly, Tom.

He just loves orange juice.

Mommy's little baby. -M-- M-- Maureen, come on now.

Be serious.

OK, now you just take good care of my baby.

Maureen, now come on now.

MAUREEN: Sam, you ready to run that double play, huh?

OK.

Woo!

Just like yesterday.

"Dolan homers in ninth.

Wins game."

Yeah.

[BOING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Mm, mm, mm.

[SPIT]

[CRACK]

[CRACK]

[ZWOOP]

[CRACK]

[BOING]

[THUMP]

[CRACK]

[CRACK]

[THUMP]

[THUMP]

All right!

[CRACK]

[THUMP]

[CHEERING]

[MUSIC AND BAR SOUNDS]

Clearly, guys, listen.

You saw those girls today, and they were good.

I think we should just say the hell with it

and not play the game at all. -Oh, yeah.

Yeah, right.

I could see the headlines now. "Girls

turn Beavers into Chickens."

Yeah, but Tom, you saw how good they were.

No, wait a minute.

Tom's right, man.

We're locked in to this circus.

What do you say?

Hey, you fairies are up kinda late tonight, aren't ya?

Fairies--

Hey, what's it to you, Bozo Breath.

Take it easy, Fred.

I just want to make sure you boys are

on for your big game tomorrow.

I got money bet on you.

You mean you bet on them?

Yeah, the old guy that took the girls gave me five runs.

[LAUGHTER]

I've decided the boys and myself to give you something

for a long time and, you know, since you're such a good guy,

we decided to really pick a winner for you.

That's nice.

[LAUGHTER]

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

And, uh, they won't stand a chance, you know?

Because I'm serious about this.

I'm tired of this stuff.

You know, [INAUDIBLE] to sleep

Look who's got his eye on you, and it's not Wes.

Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention, please?

Now, I want quiet, please.

Quiet.

For the first time in the history of this phantasmagoria,

the salute to the Roman Empire, we going to have a T-shirt

contest-- not an ordinary T-shirt contest,

but a wet T-shirt contest.

[CHEERING AND WHISTLES]

Wait a sec.

Wait a minute.

And anybody-- anybody can enter-- any man, any woman,

any child, any boy or any girl, a chimpanzee

or Jo Jo the Elephant Boy.

Anybody can enter this contest.

I want everybody to put their best forward.

Pay attention, boys and girls.

Now let's get a couple of volunteers up here.

Come on, you guys, let's do it.

Come on.

Come on, Jamie. Come on.

What the hell. I'm already drunk.

What do you say? Let's give it a whirl.

WET T SHIRT HOST: Come on up here.

Come on. Come on, folks.

Where am I going?

WET T SHIRT HOST: Let's give them a round of applause.

What's going on here?

WET T-SHIRT HOST: All right, everybody.

Let's get them up on the stage.

You, come on. Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on up.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Mm, mm, mm.

What pushes, what bumpers.

Come on, up here.

You the bl-- is it true blondes have more fun?

Come on, Blondie.

Hey, come here Curly Locks.

You--

Oh, shit.

Oh, piss.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, wow!

Now, ladies, now let me tell you something.

In order to have a wet T-shirt contest,

we gotta have a volunteer from the audience.

I gotta have somebody come up here

and spray these beautiful gorgeous girls.

I know some guy who married a girl.

She's half-French, half-Chinese.

They got up one morning, she was sucking his shirts.

Sir, you-- with the German Shepherd.

Oh, that's your wife.

I'm very sorry, sir.

Ah, the guy over there choking his chicken under the table--

no, we don't want that either.

Ah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I mean a sprayer, sir, not a player.

No, no, no.

How about you, sir?

Would you like to come up?

Come on, let's go.

Let's get [INAUDIBLE].

How about this?

A willing volunteer. [INAUDIBLE]

I'm going to tell you one thing, folks.

The judges are men.

And you know that sometimes they're prejudiced.

OK, but there's nothing to be afraid of.

All you gotta do is just aim the nozzle and press it,

just like that.

Oh, you schmuck, you aimed it the wrong way.

The other way.

[LAUGHTER]

That's much better.

That's fantastic.

You're going to be great at this.

All right.

Go on down to the other end of the line

and start doing your job.

Is the water ready?

Good.

Now it's time for you-- time for the audience

to become part of the show.

Let's give them a tremendous hand.

And the winner of the contest gets a free car

wash, courtesy of a--

You gotta get off the stage.

WET T SHIRT HOST: --very inspiring [INAUDIBLE]

Aren't I supposed to get wet first?

WET T-SHIRT HOST: --by the name of Sal's Car Wash.

Mary Lou, there's an overweight fat guy

out there looking for you.

WET T-SHIRT HOST: [INAUDIBLE]

Buddy?

WET T-SHIRT HOST: Your shorts.

Since 1975--

I really don't unders-- I-- I don't-- I

really don't understand.

Mary Lou?

Oh, my gosh.

WET T SHIRT HOST: Let me tell you, sweetheart.

As long as I got a face, baby.

You'll always have a place to sit.

Take my keys.

Uh, this is my apartment.

Good luck.

WET T SHIRT HOST: Hey, listen, folks.

I only got one ball.

And the one I got left, you're breaking.

You think it's easy walking around knowing

you're half nuts.

Did I tell you about the rabbi who went into a monastery

and became a schmunk?

(SPEAKING WITH SLURRED SPEECH) Hey, Mary Lou, I got

something real big to show you. -Get away from me!

It's real big. [INAUDIBLE]

Get out of the way, you hippie.

Fuckin' asshole!

Next time keep your goddamn hands to yourself.

Eat a burger, pumping iron face.

Hey, get off of my car.

You, drunks, get off of my car.

Get off of-- hey, you!

Someone--

[MUSIC - NED ALBRIGHT, "MOVE YOUR BODY"]

[SQUIRT] [SQUIRT] [SQUIRT] [SQUIRT]

Woo!

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

[SQUIRT]

Is this how the open [INAUDIBLE] start?

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

GUYS IN THE CROWD: Yee-ha!

Where's that [INAUDIBLE], man?

Come on, man.

Move it.

Move that ass.

Move that ass.

Jamie, you're wearing a bra.

Where's Fred?

Can you see him?

OK. Now listen.

Just stick them out, just for a second.

But watch his face.

Now I'm embarrassed.

Jamie, this is our only chance to teach those guys a lesson.

Look, just do it, OK?

Stick 'em out, and watch.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Did he notice yet?

I think so.

You're damn right he did.

Now stick 'em out.

Come on.

[SQUIRT] [SQUIRT]

[SQUIRT] [SQUIRT]

[SQUIRT]

[HEAVY BREATHING]

[APPLAUSE]

Oh, Fred.

[SIGH]

[KISSING AND MOANING]

WET T-SHIRT HOST: The winner is the one,

the only, Jamie Harrison.

[CHEERING]

Now, where in tarnation did I put those socks?

Hm.

Maybe under the TV.

Hm.

KOCH: Hold it right there, sweetheart.

[SCREAM]

You keep away from me.

-Take it easy, [INAUDIBLE]. -Ah-haaa.

Nothing's going to go wrong.

[CLANG]

Ow!

Nice try, except for my steel-plated jock strap, huh?

Now look, baby, tracking you down wasn't easy.

First, I had to find that falcon.

Falcon?

Then you hid all of them strawberries on me.

Now you're trying to get on a plane and go to Casablanca.

N-- no.

I'm--

Look, you ain't going anywhere, baby, except back

with me to your father.

So, come on.

Are you going loco?

Look, lady, doing Bogie's the only fun I have in this job.

So, come on.

Let's go see your father.

[GUNSHOT] [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Let go of her, fat boy.

Watch out, Buddy!

He's got a steel-plated jock strap.

Oh!

[INAUDIBLE] Buddy!

[SCREAMS] Oh!

Oh, no! Buddy!

Oh, be careful.

Oh, don't hit him that [INAUDIBLE].

Oh, my champion.

Oh, oh, Buddy, my hero.

[GASP]

[TWEETING BIRDS]

Where is he?

Oh, he definitely had a little fall.

Well, good riddance to a rotten egg.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

You, bitch.

[INAUDIBLE] you.

Did you guys see a-- a-- a-- fat

guy with a beard and a little chick, sexy with a wet--

Bozo!

Oh, geez, Bozo, I'm gonna kill ya.

Get out of that car, Bozo so I can tear your ears off.

I seen you in there looking at my girlfriend,

and-- oh, my god.

You talking to me, bub?

Oh, Jesus, some guy-- he bet me five bucks, you know?

I was just kidding around, you know what I mean?

SAMANTHA: Bozo.

BOZO: Come on, Samantha.

I thought you really wanted to do it.

SAMANTHA: Wes!

You must be tired of fooling around with that faggot by now.

Stop it, Bozo.

Wes!

Now what do you want with that faggot

for, when you can have me?

-Wes is more of a m-- stop it. -Let's do it.

Come on. Come on.

Wes is more of man than you'll ever be.

Hey, where are you going?

What's the matter.

You aren't frigid, are you?

I'll put you in my car.

We'll warm you up.

Bozo, stop it!

Let me go!

Ah!

Bozo, you bearded elephant, [INAUDIBLE]

original [INAUDIBLE] of the ark, so you let go.

Where are you going, playing Ring around the Rosie.

Come on, cut it out now.

You're not a CT, are you?

Boy, I sure do hate teases.

Who me?

Tease big, strong, handsome you?

Never.

Hey, what are you doing?

What-- are you crazy?

Hey, where are you going?

Hey, hey!

What's the matter with you?

I have a [INAUDIBLE].

She rolls where you got up from the window.

Hey, I'm trapped in here.

VOICE ON THE RADIO: Do you suffer

painful embarrassing jock itch?

BOZO: Hey, where are you going? [INAUDIBLE]

VOICE ON THE RADIO: Have you taken care of your body odor?

[INTERPOSING VOICES] Have you seen to your halitosis?

BOZO: Hey, what's going on? Hey!

[SUSTAINED CARN HORN]

VOICE ON THE RADIO: --as sweet as a baby's tushy.

And foot odor is a thing of the past. [INAUDIBLE]

Hey, I'm locked in here.

What the hell?

Hey!

Max, Max, wait!

BOZO: My battery's running down.

What's this?

No nookie?

What's the matter with you. Come back here.

Hey!

Hey, don't leave me in here.

Hey!

Hey!

Let me out of here.

What the hell's going on?

Mary Lou, I still love you.

I love you, too.

More than your father?

Buddy.

Mary Lou, whatever it is that you're afraid of

or you're scared of, why don't we just work it out together?

All right?

Please?

OK.

Yeah?

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah!

Oh, Buddy!

Mr. Wadley, tracking your daughter down

has not been easy.

No, sir.

As a matter of fact, I fell off a balcony this

evening, Mr. Wadley.

And I-- N-- now, just relax, Mr. Wadley.

I have some good news for you.

Yes.

The good news is that your daughter ain't no dyke.

That's right.

But the bad news is that she aint'

no virgin, neither, Mr. Wadley.

No, she's no-- now, Mr. Wadley, please.

I have incurred a great deal of expense

on this particular case, and-- and-- yes.

Yes, I have receipts for everything,

and I expect you to reimbur-- [DIAL TONE] Mr. Wadley?

Mr. Wadl-- oh.

Oh, yeah.

This is for you, Sam, [URINATING] from old Wes.

Well, can I get you a drink?

Sure.

What do you got?

You got any beer? (WHISPERING) Have I got any-- [CAN OPENING]

Oh!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

What are you doing up there, Sam, huh?

Oh, you're-- MARY LOU: (MOANING) Oh.

--doing your sit ups before the big game.

Yeah.

[SIGH]

Keep going, baby, while Wessy makes

himself a little snack here.

What do we got?

MARY LOU: (MOANING) Uh, mm.

Oh, you're working up a real sweat, are you now, Sam?

Huh?

MARY LOU: Oh.

Jesus.

MARY LOU: Oh!

Oh.

Yeah, up, down, and one, three.

MARY LOU: Oh!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, boy, you're really working up

a sweat, aren't you, Samantha? MARY LOU: Oh, oh.

Oh, yeah.

You're really getting into it now, aren't you, baby?

MARY LOU: Oh.

Come on, louder, louder.

MARY LOU: Oh, oh, ah.

BUDDY: Uhh.

[SQUEAK]

Wait a minute. MARY LOU: Ah!

There was only one-- BUDDY: Uhh.

Now there's--

BUDDY: Uhh. [SQUEAKING] Uhh.

Bozo.

You're up there with Bozo, aren't you?

Huh? BUDDY: Uhh.

You're up there the Goodyear Blimp, aren't you, huh?

[FASTER SQUEAKING] MARY LOU: Oh.

BUDDY: Uhh.

MARY LOU: Oh, oh.

BUDDY: Uhh, Uhh.

MARY LOU: Uh, uh, uh.

BUDDY: Uhh.

Bozo--

MARY LOU: Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.

I'm going to kill you, Bozo.

MARY LOU: Oh, oh, oh, oh.

BUDDY: Ahh.

MARY LOU: Oh.

I'm gon-- I'm gonna bowl you over, Bozo, you fat slob!

MARY LOU: Oh, ah.

BUDDY: Oh.

MARY LOU: Oh, ah.

Ready to kick your ass tomorrow, Bozo.

MARY LOU: Oh, oh, ahh.

BUDDY: Ahh.

BUDDY: Ah.

Ah.

Buddy, I'm so happy.

But shouldn't we get a blood test, first?

It's too late now.

Let's just get hitched.

[KISS]

A place of my own with silverware-- oh,

what about the china patterns?

[KNOCKING]

[KNOCKING] [BELCH]

[KNOCKING]

All right, all right, all right.

What's the matter with you?

S-- Samantha.

You know, I was just thinking about you.

-Bozo's not important now. -Did you see who's here?

Yeah, yeah, the girl I almost-- -Just tell me more.

--had Chantilly silverware with.

Hey, let me ask you a question, huh?

What was that you were doing with Bozo up there, huh?

The league pennant?

Right?

A little wham-bam thank you, Sam?

And now you're coming to me to do the World Series, right?

Where you been, lady?

I'm a-- I'm a hero, now.

I'm big time.

They love me.

Yeah?

I mean, listen, I ain't nobody's relief man--

especially for no, uh, fat, ugly catcher like, uh, Bozo

up there.

Aw, geez.

Oh, hey, one more thing.

[RASPBERRY]

I gotta water my plants.

Jamie, oh.

Oh.

You don't have to say anything, Freddie.

[HEAVY BREATHING]

[HONK]

Oh!

No, n-- no, you know, Jamie, you know,

I really want to tell you that-- that just-- just because you

won the T-shirt contest and-- you know,

I wanted to tell you that I really

think that-- that they-- I-- I mean, you are really beautiful.

I really mean that, Jamie.

You're really beautiful.

I just want to tell you that, well, I--

I just don't love you for-- well-- well, you know, I--

I-- I just don't love you for--

I know, Fred.

I know.

Oh, Jamie.

Jamie.

But, Fred--

Yes.

Wouldn't you like to touch them, anyway?

Oh, Jamie.

Oh, Jamie.

I love you!

[RASPBERRY]

Mm, mm.

Mm.

We went across the state line and got hitched.

And there's nothing you can do about it, Daddy.

FRED: Oh. -It's been--

FRED: Oh.

Ooh.

--constipated.

Isn't that right, Buddy?

FRED: Oh, oh.

Buddy, what are you doing in there.

FRED: Oh, oh.

[TOILET FLUSH]

FRED: Oh.

I'm swimming in it!

A real woman!

NARRATOR (VOICEOVER): It's exactly

two months and four days since the beginning of spring.

And when you think of spring, you

think of exactly two things-- softball and mattresses.

And Spring Down, New Jersey, is certainly the capitol of both.

And, therefore, it's the logical place for the unfolding

of next episode in the battle of the sexes--

the Beavers versus the Beaverettes,

a contest of will versus wile that

promises to be unforgettable.

[TRUMPET FANFARE]

Ladies and gentlemen, your Chairman of the Board,

Mr. Cyrus Van Hooten.

[SPARSE APPLAUSE]

[CLEARING THROAT]

Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking,

there's nothing I like to see more than young people having--

[RASPBERRY]

--a good time.

But there's more in life than baseball.

And there's more in life than having a good time.

I want to say to you that a mattress--

You say, "Go!"

GAME ANNOUNCER: And the ball game between the Beavers

and the Beaverettes is finally under way,

a regulation seven-inning softball game.

[CHEERING]

Stepping up to the plate, is the lead-off man

for the women, Rose Mailwoman.

I mean, the lead-off woman for the women is Rose Mailwoman.

I mean, the lead-off person for the women is Rose Mailperson.

Never mind.

There's a broad at bat, and she just struck out.

Come on, you big, fat jerk.

GAME ANNOUNCER: Gee, if this is a sample of what's to come,

the Beavers are going to hop all over the Beaverettes.

Boo!

Hey, Wes!

GAME ANNOUNCER: Second batter up, here's the pitch.

[CRACK]

And it's a hit!

It's a hit!

Well, stuff my mattress, folks.

I spoke too soon.

Clarence Merch has just hit a huge double,

and the Beaverettes have their juices flowing.

Ow.

GAME ANNOUNCER: It's one out.

There's a man-- or, a-- a person, on second.

The next batter is up.

[CRACK]

A pop-up to deep short.

Cunningham grabs it.

It hustles to second-- double play.

He's got her.

The side is retired.

In this reporter's opinion, the Beaverettes' base

running looked a little ragged around the edges.

Boo!

Ha, ha, ha!

GAME ANNOUNCER: Now the Beavers have

a chance to make the fur fly.

On the mound for the Beaverettes is Mary Lou Wadley.

[SWISH] And she barrels in for a strike.

Oh, that pitch was too hot to handle.

Even for catcher, Mitch the Mantle.

This little lady hails from Fortville, Georgia,

it says here.

She played softball by day and danced in the Fortville Dinner

Theater chorus line by night.

One day, she got her jobs confused,

and her famous pitching motion was born.

Boo!

Boo!

[SWISH]

Strike three.

GAME ANNOUNCER: And the first batter goes down on Wadley's

famous peanut pitch.

Next up is Buddy Coleman.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Bud's a local boy.

Works a local forklift and goes home to the YMCA.

Been there for six years, it says here.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Play ball!

GAME ANNOUNCER: Something very strange is going on here.

Wait a minute.

Wadley's pitched him a meatball pitch.

Coleman hits a meatball hit.

The pitcher's up with it. It's an easy out.

Hey, what's going on?

She didn't throw it.

It's a meatball throw.

Where's the spaghetti?

I mean, he's stopped-- I mean, safe at first.

Throw the ball!

GAME ANNOUNCER: I don't know about you, folks.

But this announcer would like an explanation

for this unprofessional brand of softball

we're witnessing here today.

First baseman Goldstein lays down a perfect bunt.

He's on his way to first.

He trips.

He's out!

He can chalk that one up to Lady Luck.

But the bunt did it's damage, folks, and the runner

advances to second.

Ha, ha, ha!

GAME ANNOUNCER: Two outs, and that brings up Wes Cunningham,

the captain of the Beavers.

Another fast one, folks.

It was Wes who scored the winning run

against the Animals, back in reel one

for the league championship.

[SWISH] There's a long well-hit ball

that's going to be trouble.

She's got it, bouncing springs.

I haven't seen a spread like that since the Spring

Down's sports banquet.

Maureen Goldstein has just made the play of the game.

After one inning of play, no hits, no runs,

throwing error, the pitcher, and goose eggs across the board.

Hey, Wes, what a hitter, huh?

You headed for all-league, huh, kid?

All-fairy league, fairy feet!

Gotta win! Gotta win!

Let's go!

GAME ANNOUNCER: Yessiree, Bob.

The venerable Pop Dolan has really whipped

these ladies into shape. -We gotta win!

We gotta win! Let's go!

GAME ANNOUNCER: Pop Dolan is the man who made

the Beaverettes give a damn.

But let's get serious.

Yay!

GAME ANNOUNCER: Striding up to the plate

is the Beaverettes' team captain,

Spunky Samantha Howell.

Ah, those young people today-- they are beautiful,

aren't they, folks? Well, it's good to see they--

Russ!

GAME ANNOUNCER: --don't do all their scoring

on the ball field.

Yoo-hoo, Russ!

Russ?

Hi, Russ.

GAME ANNOUNCER: Now there looks like there's

something wrong with, uh, pitcher Russ McSweeny.

The Beaver's pitcher seems to have something in his eye.

I can't quite make out what it is from here,

but I'll keep you abreast of the situation as it develops.

It's a lob pitch. [CRACK] And Samantha

Howell really smacks that ball.

It's a solid smash to the outfield, folks.

Great job!

Yeah.

Second base, second base, come on!

Second base, come on.

Second base, second base. [INAUDIBLE]

Safe.

Wow!

A double, folks.

Samantha Howell has just stroked a two base tit-- or, a hit.

Look, Wes, about last night.

Let's go, Russ. Come on.

We can get it back.

Let's go.

Come on, guys, look alive.

OK, Maureen, let's go!

Come on! GAME ANNOUNCER: Goldstein is up.

SAMANTHA: Kill it! Come on, Maureen, let's go!

GAME ANNOUNCER: McSweeny's settling down.

He's got to concentrate, folks, or he's going to be

in for some sleepless nights.

Into the stretch. Uh-oh.

Looks like Howell's breaking to third.

She's trying to steal third.

Should be an easy out.

Safe! GAME ANNOUNCER: She's in.

She's safe.

McSweeny could have wrapped that one up with a bow.

What a gift.

Hey, Russ.

GAME ANNOUNCER: Well, I've seen McSweeny pitch before,

and he can work himself right out of this kind of a problem.

Play ball!

BIKINI GIRL: Hi, Russ.

Russ, you're not paying attention.

Russ, hi.

GAME ANNOUNCER: Into the stretch, the pitch--

it's a wild pitch.

It's no where the catcher.

It's in the stands.

The ball is in the stands.

Samantha Howell touches home plate with a soft shoe.

Safe!

GAME ANNOUNCER: And the Beaverettes have

pulled ahead one to nothing.

I heard on the sideline before the big game tipped me off

that the Beaverettes were going to rely

very heavily on strategy, ladies and gentlemen.

And that seems exactly what's going on.

And it looked like we have a ball game.

The Beavers have got their first threat going as they try to get

on top of the Beaverettes.

The bases are loaded, and from this announcer's point of view,

it looks like pitcher Wadley is starting

to get a little tuckered out.

BIKINI GIRLS: Uh-uh-uh.

No, no, never, never.

Uh-uh-uh.

No, no, never, never.

Uh-uh-uh.

GAME ANNOUNCER: Well, Buddy's up.

The bags are loaded, and it's a full count.

Wadley cannot afford to toss another meatball

pitch at this crucial moment.

Uh-uh-uh.

No, no, never, never.

Uh-uh-uh.

No, no, never, never.

Uh-uh-uh. [SWISH]

GAME ANNOUNCER: A pay-off pitch.

Hit hard, could be trouble.

Shortstop's up with it, tags the runner for one,

throws to second for two.

She throws it to first-- triple play!

Triple play! Triple play!

Remember that, ladies and gentlemen,

because you don't see a play like this too often

in this American game of softball

that we've got going here this afternoon.

Ladies and gents, the score is one to nothing.

Wes Cunningham at the plate, a man on base.

Hard hit.

That ball is outta here.

It's a-- it's a home run.

What a blast, folks!

There it is, folks.

Wes Cunningham has just hit-- he's just

belted one of the longest home runs

I've ever seen by a right-handed mattress

employee in the free world.

[CROWD CHEERING AND BOOING]

With the score two to one against the Beaverettes,

it's up to Maureen Goldstein to get it back.

SAMANTHA: Do it!

[CRACK]

GAME ANNOUNCER: It's a little dribbler to the first baseman.

An easy out. Uh, no.

He's not even throwing it.

He's letting her take a base.

Folks, this is not the brand of softball

we've come to expect from Spring Down mattress workers.

Nosiree, Bob.

And now, Midge Bonanza smashes it.

Big hit!

Big hit!

Goldstein heads for second, makes the turn to third,

around third, and she score easily.

Midge Bonanza has just hit herself

a big fat double to tie this ballgame up.

Looks like we've got a ballgame.

Looks like a real loosie, ladies and gentleman.

Tom, no more free rides for Maureen.

Got it? -What's that supposed to mean?

Hey, I've seen Jamie's little sister Brenda

do a better job on first base.

I know.

Will you just lay off?

We're going to lose the game because I let the mother

of my child get on base once?

Hey, a game's a game.

Why don't you light a fire under Romeo's ass there, huh?

CHEERING FANS: No, no, never, never.

Uh-uh-uh.

GAME ANNOUNCER: The laws of society

may be changed this afternoon, folks.

Because the Beaverettes are proving that women

can keep it up better than men.

BIKINI GIRLS: No, no, never never.

Uh-uh-uh.

GAME ANNOUNCER: Now folks, it's the bottom of the fourth,

and sweat is pouring off Wadley's brow.

BIKINI GIRLS: Uh-uh-uh.

BIKINI GIRL: Russ, hey. Russ.

Hey, Russ!

Hey, Russ.

Hey, lookit.

GAME ANNOUNCER: There's more distraction

in the field, folks.

Just for today, I'll take you to home plate tonight.

CHEERING FANS: Come on, Russ.

GAME ANNOUNCER: Like the Good Book says--

BIKINI GIRL: Russ, Russ, hey!

GAME ANNOUNCER: --for every problem,

there's a simple solution.

It looks like the Beavers have solved the problem

of the McSweeny's roving eye.

BIKINI GIRL: Hi, Russ!

GAME ANNOUNCER: Maybe now we'll see the power that McSweeny is

known for, here in Spring Down.

But it looks like, for every solution,

there's another problem.

[JANGLING BELLS]

She's winding up.

I-- I mean the pitcher. [SWISH] [BONK]

Up, oh, my goodness.

Looks like McSweeny didn't keep his eye on the bouncing ball.

Well, if I had to take my base by getting hit on the head,

I guess that's the way I'd want it.

The next batter's up.

There's the wind up.

Here's the pitch. [CRACK] It's a long fly.

The left-fielder's under it.

Runner tags up.

Going for home, going for home, it's a long throw.

It's going to be close.

It's going to be close.

Out!

GAME ANNOUNCER: He's outta there.

[CROWD CHEERING]

BIKINI GIRLS: S-U-C-C-E-S-S that's the way

we spell success.

The Beaverettes are the best, la-di-da.

Beaverettes are the best, la-di-da.

Beaverettes are the best, la-di-da.

La-di-da.

La-di-da.

GAME ANNOUNCER: The crowd is settling down.

It's the top of the fifth.

It looks like the Beavers are finally showing their strategy.

All right, get it in there!

Come on, now.

Come on, baby.

[CRACK]

[ZAP]

GAME ANNOUNCER: Ooh, that must have stung.

Well, the Ump's going to have to call for a clean ball

after that play.

She really cracked that one.

Wadley's getting ready to hurl once again.

[CRACK] A little Texas leaguer to center field, easy out.

Uh-oh.

She must have lost it in the sun-- unbelievable.

Bull shit!

GAME ANNOUNCER: Note that pitching style, folks.

[SWISH] [CRACK]

Run!

Out!

[SCREAM]

Safe.

Hey, you!

GAME ANNOUNCER: These mattress workers work side by side

during the day, but on the field they give their

all in a friendly competition.

This represents the highest standards

of American sportsmanship.

Let me take this moment to remind you that the Mattress

Workers Gospel Hour, normally heard at this time,

will be back next week and will feature

Pillowcase Jones and her Satin Sheets Gospel Singers.

[WHISTLE]

You, you man, you!

What do you call this crap?

That was a dirty trick.

Hey, well, that's the way the game is played.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

[INAUDIBLE] you need to win.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

That's right.

Let me tell you something, sweetheart.

It's like life.

It gets a little bit rough.

Come on, guys, we have some Beaverettes dams to build.

Come on, guys.

We've got a game to win.

Let's go.

Hey, Wes!

Don't you know it ain't polite to punch broads?

Ha, ha, ha!

GAME ANNOUNCER: Looks like the brouhaha

has spilled over into the crowd, with the men taking their side

and the women sitting on their side.

Due to Fred Smudge's heads-up base running,

the Beavers have managed to score two runs

and are now ahead four to two.

All right, guys.

Come on, what do you say?

Let's get tough.

No more favors, right, Maureen?

What favors?

Like dropping Tom's balls.

You hold on to 'em pretty well when you're at home.

Keep your dirty mouth off my husband's balls.

Hey, It was an error.

An error?

Yeah!

Don't you think it's about time you got your signals straight?

Hey, my signals are straight, fart face.

Hey, hey, hey.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

I don't hear you saying anything about Miss Mary Lou.

She hasn't made a straight pitch to Buddy all day!

Yeah, well what about Jamie?

Let's look at the whole picture.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

How could you call that in second base?

You ain't tall enough to even see second base.

Please, she came in there, she--

GAME ANNOUNCER: This battle of the sexes

has gone from a mild bush fire on the field

to a nuclear blast.

Cool it!

GAME ANNOUNCER: But I guess I shouldn't be surprised

at anything that happens in this humdinger

of a softball game, folks.

Cut it!

That's enough of that.

What's going on here?

Sakes, you gotta a game out there to play.

You've held these guys for six innings.

You can hold 'em for one more.

I don't want you girls to just whip 'em.

I want you to whoop 'em!

Now, come on, Maxie, baby.

Let's start it off.

Let's go!

[CHEERING]

GAME ANNOUNCER: Coming into the seventh and last inning,

the Beavers are still ahead of the Beaverettes.

Max Nora swings at the first pitch, [CRACK]

and connects for a single.

Bonanza's at the plate.

She bunts.

Looks like an easy out at first.

Oh, there goes the first basemen.

Go, get it!

GAME ANNOUNCER: She's heading for second.

Runner scores.

It's four to three. -You got her!

You got her! -Ugh.

GAME ANNOUNCER: There goes the second baseman,

heading to third. -Come on!

You got her, you got-- Ugh.

GAME ANNOUNCER: There goes the shortstop.

There goes the third baseman.

And Bonanza heads for home.

[HEAVY BREATHING]

The Beaverettes tie the game!

[CHEERING]

That's the way!

All right!

All right!

Yeah!

GAME ANNOUNCER: Well, folks, the fans are upset.

It's the bottom of the seventh.

And the men have got to get going if we're

going to avoid extra innings.

So let's get out there, and give it 100%.

I want to win this game.

Hey, what do you say, Buddy.

You throwing the game on account of Mary Lou?

No.

Romeo had a rough night, last night.

Sure.

That's a bunch of bullshit. OK?

Because you left the Cuss an hour before I did.

Yeah, I left.

But it doesn't mean I went home.

Don't give me this kiss-and-tell routine.

OK?

No, I'm-- I'm serious.

I left, and then ended up at Samantha's

apartment with Mary Lou.

Oh, man.

Are you telling me that that was you and Mary Lou

at Samantha's apartment last night?

You mean, you heard us?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I had to have my ceiling re-plastered.

What are you talking about?

Listen, that's, uh-- that's not the half of it.

Last night, we left at about 2 o'clock in the morning--

Batter up!

Listen, let's go, dude.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Hey, buddy!

Get the bat.

You got it!

[CHEERING]

GAME ANNOUNCER: All right.

This is the set-up-- tie score.

The seventh and final inning, unless we

go into extra innings, folks.

And I hope we don't, because Kapowski's Appliance

workers have the field at 4:30.

But at any rate, we're at the bottom of the last inning.

Buddy Coleman, looking mighty tired, went down on strikes.

One out, and Neil Fullson is the batter.

[SWISH]

[SWISH]

[SWISH]

You're out!

GAME ANNOUNCER: With Fullson whipped,

Wadley's keeping the pressure going right up till the end.

Two outs, and it's up to Wes Cunningham to keep it alive.

[SWISH] [CRACK]

[CHEERING]

Hit hard.

The crowd is going crazy.

You're safe.

GAME ANNOUNCER: Cunningham has himself a double, folks,

and the winning run is in scoring position.

[INAUDIBLE]

Hi, Sam.

What are you smiling about?

I just found out you weren't home last night.

What?

GAME ANNOUNCER: Two outs. Wes is on second.

SAMANTHA: What?

GAME ANNOUNCER: It's a hit past the infield.

Cunningham isn't running.

He must be daydreaming.

It looks like Wes Cunningham is not in the game.

All great sportsmen undergo mental fatigue once in a while.

But not with two outs and the last inning of a tie game.

Well, two men on, and the Beavers

have a real threat going.

So it's up to Fred Smudge to keep the Beaver's hopes alive.

With one crack of Fred Smudge's bat,

Smudge could be on every lip in Spring Down tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, there's a certain hush

coming over field now.

The tension is mounting.

And we appear to have the set up of the perfect squeeze

play-- the play that every little leaguer in the land

knows about.

Let me explain it to you.

Let me make it simple for you.

We have a man on first base, one on third.

We have a second baseman here.

Pitcher's here-- now, wait a minute.

Let's-- just a moment.

Let's start-- we have a man here on first base, one on third.

We have a second baseman here, a shortstop is here.

And then, of course, we do have a catcher down here.

And now, and--

Ah, wait a minute.

Here's the wind up.

Here comes the pitch. [SWISH] You can

cut the tension with a knife. -Strike one!

GAME ANNOUNCER: Ball, strike.

Looked more like a ball to me.

[CROWD YELLING]

The steam is rising from the base mats.

The sun beats down.

The fans hold their breath in fateful expectation.

Will Smudge be a champ or a chump?

The only thing certain is that Kapowski's Appliance

workers have the field at 4:30.

Ah, wait a minute.

Here comes the pitch. [CRACK] It's a back-of-the-bat

dribbler. Squeeze play!

Squeeze play!

But it's an easy out.

Shortstop picks it up.

She throws.

Oh, no.

But [INAUDIBLE] is there with a beautiful [INAUDIBLE] catch.

Wes is leaning toward home plate.

Samantha's covering the plate.

Bonanza fires the ball home.

Hey, Wes.

Uh, listen, I gotta talk to you.

Dinner tonight, please?

Sure.

Cuss from Hoe?

Anywhere you like-- OK-- w-- wait a minute.

You mean-- you mean you're not angry at me?

Come on. -Me angry at you?

I-- thought you were mad at me.

Oh, listen, baby.

After last ni-- oh, never mind.

It's not important.

I just want you to know I really love you, babe.

I really do.

And I'm going to give you the biggest hug and a kiss,

right after I score, OK?

W-- one more thing, by the way.

What's that?

Lights out.

CHEERING FANS: You did it!

The Beavers win the game!

[CROWD CHEERING]

SAMANTHA: Liar!

Please, I'll never play baseball.

[INAUDIBLE]

Oh, no, no.

I'll never play softball again as long as I live.

Please, Samantha.

Oh, god.

Keep you from playing softball.

-What? -I said--

What did you say?

I said I would never keep you from playing softball.

Oh, Samantha.

What?

I love you.

I know.

Mm.

Come here, babe.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

GAME ANNOUNCER: Yes, folks, the Beavers win it.

This is the perfect climax for an unbelievable afternoon.

Spring Down will never be the same again.

A classic battle between men and women

has been fought before your very eyes.

And a lesson has been learned by each side that

shall not be soon forgotten.

Whoa!

Wait a minute.

GAME ANNOUNCER: We're running a little late on time.

So this is William Kirksey, your voice of the Merry Mattress

Factory wishing you a pleasant evening

and a pleasant tomorrow.

But before we sign off, if there's anyone out

there who still does not understand how a squeeze

play works, just send a self-addressed stamped envelope

and 18 empty Pepsi cans to the station.

Now stay tuned for the Spring Down hog and cattle report.

[BEEPING]

This here's your afternoon pig and cow report.

We've got pork bellies $0.49 [INAUDIBLE] knuckles

[INAUDIBLE] cents a pound. [INAUDIBLE]

priced real high on the hog.

Corn cob's [INAUDIBLE] price down.

I got [INAUDIBLE] here--

[MUSIC PLAYING]