Original subtitles

# Here I go again

# I hear those trumpets blow again

# All aglow again

# Taking a chance on love

# Things are mending now

# I see a rainbow blending now

# We'll have a happy ending now

# Taking...

# Taking a chance on love! #

Ah!

Will you be long?

Oh, I'm afraid it could take a while. Was it urgent?

Er, just promised to phone a friend. Don't like to let her down.

I see. Well, it's a bit tricky at the moment.

We're going for the record, you see.

Ah!

I would offer to get out,

but it took us about an hour to get in like this.

Quite understand. No, probably go to town to do it.

But before you go... Yes.

Could you just put this leg, in the grey leg warmer? Yes.

Could you just tuck it behind the white bobbly hat?

Yes, yes, of course. Of course.

Thank you so much. Not at all. Not in the least.

Oh, you will be careful how you close the door, won't you?

If it slams, it lands right on Jocelyn's chest.

Ah, yes. Got to avoid that at all costs.

WOMAN SOBS

Oh, pull yourself together, Doreen.

Coming back home in a brand-new fur coat

doesn't necessarily mean that she's done anything that's...

Well, alright. Whatever she's done, she's still our daughter.

Oh, I blame meself for all this, you know.

Letting her come to live in town like this.

Going out to dinner with a man she's never met before

and we certainly haven't met.

Staying out till all hours.

Three thirty-seven by that nice digital alarm clock radio

we give her for Christmas.

Coming home with a fur coat and, and in a police car and...

And the shoes, Derek! Oh, my gawd, yes, the shoes.

Alison? Alison?

Alison dear, we'd like to have a little word with you, please.

Oh, hello. Ooh, what time is it?

Er, eight forty-eight.

Oh!

Oh, Daddy, you'll never believe what happened to me last night.

The shoes, Derek!

Yes, I-I think perhaps you and I ought to have a little chat, Alison.

Oh, can't it wait till later, Daddy? I shall be late for work.

Ask her about the shoes!

Well, what's wrong with my shoes? Custard.

Custard?

Yes, there's custard and trifle all over your shoes.

Your mother noticed it. And other places!

Yes, it's in your hair, it's down your front,

it's everywhere.

We're not simple, you know, Alison! We read the newspapers.

We know what goes on at these big town parties.

Oh, Daddy, it wasn't anything at all like that!

It was just a... Well, it was just a series of coincidences really.

Tom says they happen to him all the time.

Oh, so that's his name, is it? Tom? Tom. Custard.

Well, he said he'd phone me before I went to work this morning.

Oh, well, I'd better hurry.

I got back so late last night

I didn't even have time to take my coat off.

Oh, my good God!

Alison!

Yes, it was really just another one of Tom's coincidences.

Oh!

She's a tearaway, that one, I've always said so.

She's wild, passionate, erotic.

She gets it all from you, you know?

Alison.

Oh, hello, Tom. Hello.

Brought your dress back. Get on alright without it?

Yes, thank you.

Not too much trouble from police, no?

No. No. Thank you. Good. Good. Yes...

Sorry about the phone call. Had some problems.

Missed you. Oh, did you?

Yes, just by about five minutes. Odd thing. Got a woman.

Told her my name, burst into tears.

Oh, that'd be Mummy.

I've got my parents staying with me at the moment.

Worried about last night, eh?

They're particularly worried about the custard.

Custard? Yes, my shoes were full of it.

'Hello, hello, hello.

This is Sidney Gothlethwaite

broadcasting on a telepathic wavelength.

If there is a psychic master in the vicinity who can hear me,

maybe he would reveal his presence by scratching his right ear.

I say again, by scratching his right...'

I feel somehow I ought to meet, explain things, apologise.

But you've got nothing to apologise for, Tom, it's their own fault.

They just won't seem to realise that I'm a grown woman now,

with a woman's body and a woman's feelings. Yes.

They seem to think that just because I'm a librarian

I don't know what the real world's all about.

Well, we see the seamy side of life too, you know.

There's things that go on in this library.

I mean it's not all helping children find the "Milly-Molly-Mandy" shelf,

I can tell you. Really?

There are certain sort of men have very strange feelings

for lady librarians.

They leave little messages in the pages of returned books.

I've found two already today.

'Hello, hello, hello. Sidney Gothlethwaite here again.

Your disciple awaits, oh, master of the psychic forces.

Please tell me what I must do.'

Extraordinary. Wonder who wrote this? How old?

Which one's that? "Please take off all your clothes

and meet me behind the dinosaur shelves."

Oh, him. About seven.

You see my parents have absolutely no idea that sort of thing goes on.

Well, I'm stunned too.

They're just terribly old fashioned really.

But I don't like to feel that they're upset in any way.

Like to make amends somehow. Arrange a possible meeting?

SCOTS ACCENT: This a library then? Excuse me, Tom.

Can I help you, madam? Public library, is it?

That is correct, yes. And they're all free, right?

Well, if you reside within the borough area, yes.

Good. Then gi' us the one for a '69 Capri, 1,600 GT.

I'm sorry, what's that? Do you work here or what?

It's a book, you daft bam-pot! Oh, a motor manual?

Aye, and none of that side valve crap either.

We're talking high-lipped cams here.

Ah, well this is the children's section, madam.

You need Do-It-Yourself. You do it yourself.

It's what you're bloody paid for!

And make sure it's the bloody '69 version.

Er, excuse me, excuse me.

Er, no need for language in front of lady.

You keep out of this, Jimmy, if you want to get home tonight.

It's you, innit?

It is. It is, it's you, innit?

It is, it is, it's him!

I know you. I've got your description engraved on my bowels.

Er, no. Er, no, no, never seem me before in your life, I assure you.

This is the cheating shyster that took advantage of our Kevin here.

Sold him a '69 Capri that should be a bloody hen coop by now.

Madam, would you keep your voice down?

I mean, look at him. Did you ever see such a miserable specimen.

How is he ever gonna pull a girl now

with a totally immobile rust-pot on wheels?

Call yourself a car salesman.

You just wrecked this poor lad's pathetic little life.

Not to worry, Alison, it happens to me all the time.

Well, it won't happen again.

Not after his father gets off the rig today.

I know you.

I know you, Mr Reg Hastings, and I know your game.

No, no, er, not Reg Hastings, er, wrong man.

Er, passport - Chance, Tom Chance.

I told you it was a false name, you clot-eared idiot!

Chance, is it? Well, you just wait...

Madam, if you'd like to come with me, I'll show you

the car maintenance section. You'll be hearing from my husband.

We'll find your name in the phone book, sunshine,

don't you worry!

Come on then.

That's got rid of her.

Oh, sorry about that, Alison. Happens to me all the time.

Oh, don't worry about it. Quite exciting really.

Yes. Er, care for a cup of coffee? My treat. Be back in five minutes.

I shouldn't really but... Alright then.

Give me two minutes. I'll meet you at the main entrance.

Main entrance.

Well done.

Been thinking. Parents think me perverted sex maniac?

Yes. Yes? Despicable ravisher, betrayer of only daughter?

Oh, I think that sums it up very nicely, yes.

How about four o'clock this afternoon?

What for? Tea, at my place.

Best behaviour. Explain everything.

Oh, that'd be wonderful.

I'll give them a call. I'm sure they'd love to come.

Put your weight behind it, you great pansy!

You cannae even change your own plugs!

It's them! Quick gi' us the keys, it's them!

Look, I'm quite happy explaining this thing reasonably, quietly.

But had a certain amount of experience in these matters.

Probably better if we just... Make a run for it? Yes.

Oh, quick, quick, we don't want to lose them! Oh, good heaven's sake!

I'll get you!

Alison. Just, er, home. Humble.

This really is very kind of you, Tom.

No, no, no. Not at all. Er, straight through there.

Er, front room. Yes.

Sorry, had hoped to clear up before parents arrived,

but, er... Um, yes.

What time they due?

Well, Mummy said she'd be here about four. Yes.

But Daddy'll be a bit later. Ah!

He's got an entry in the semi-finals

at the County Crafts Exhibition

and they don't announce the judging until three thirty.

Crafts? What line?

Oh, baby clothes mostly.

It's his hobby, you see, knitting and crochet. Uh-huh.

He's entered this-this little matinee jacket

that he's done in pale soft pink botany.

It's quite nice. Yes.

I don't think he'll win anything though.

His moss stitch can be a bit irregular.

Ah, yes.

Oh, I see you've got a little pet. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Wallace, hmm!

Yes, always like to have a hamster. Keep me company.

Rather short of human friends with my disability.

Doesn't seem to be moving much.

No, no, um, dead, in fact.

Accident. Happened yesterday.

Sitting at typewriter.

Er, little chap hopped onto carriage, fell in.

Aw! Typing a row of dots at the time.

Oh, dear. Were you rather fond of him?

I was really, yes, yes.

I wanted to have him stuffed, made up into keyring.

Something to remember him by.

BARKING Oh, have you got a dog as well?

No, no, er, next door's. Comes in through garden.

Yes, feed him through window.

FEROCIOUS BARKING

Ugly brute. Seems to sit there most of the day.

He's huge.

Extraordinary appetite. Throw anything out, he eats it.

Show you. Um...

SNARLING AND CRUNCHING

GULP!

Lost a cricket ball that way once.

Swallowed it in one gulp. Just sat there begging for more.

BARKING

Yes. He seems a bit aggressive, doesn't he? Yes.

BARKING Well, better clear up, really.

Don't want to make bad impression on parents again. Oh, right.

Um, shall I take that tray out? Good thinking.

Er, kitchen that way, through hall. Right.

Oh, there's something I'd like to show you, actually.

Um, had it since I was a lad.

Tom, can't seem to be able to open the door.

Signed by Alec Bedser.

Tom, would you mind, please?

Oh, sorry. Should've warned you. Just a moment.

Excuse me, Alison.

Don't know why it does that. Odd really.

Would you like some lager? Sort of warm us up before the dread event.

Oh, lovely. Thank you.

Oh, I see you play the tuba. Yes. Yes, yes. Learnt at school.

Brass band. Not much good, but fun. You musical at all?

Oh no, not really.

The only thing I learnt at school that you might call musical

was, um, the claves. Claves?

Hmm. It's like two little sticks

and you use one stick to hit the other stick,

and it makes a sort of a hollow noise.

Ah, never heard that, no.

Oh, no, it's not a particularly memorable sound or anything.

It's just, um, hollow. Ah, yes.

I'd quite like to have tried some of the other instruments,

but Rachel, I remember, always got the triangle

and Gregory had to have the xylophone, of course,

otherwise he got asthma and I always seemed to get the claves.

Sounds jolly unfair to me. Oh, I didn't mind really.

I got the rhythm pole one week.

That's the one with the milk bottle tops. Yes.

Wayne was away sick. When he came back I had to go back to...

the claves. The claves?

Still, the tuba sounds a lot more exciting than that.

Oh, well.

This the piece you're learning at the moment, is it?

Yes, yes, that's right, yes.

Oh, would you play a bit for me? Well, not, um...

Not in practice really!

But, alright, yes. Love to.

Yes, I like a Christmas carol whatever the time of year.

Yes.

Oh! GIGGLES

Yes.

OOMPAH NOTES

Think that's all more or less there.

And that was "Silent Night", was it?

Yes, yes. Oh, I thought that was...

SINGS: # Silent night! # Ah, no, no, no.

Er, probably thinking of the tune on top.

No, trumpets add that bit. Oh, I see!

Like to try? Could I?

Yes, of course, of course. Simple technique.

Takes just a little bit of mastering.

Um, sit down.

Just slip this between your, um... Oh.

Just down there, yes. Um, now...

Purse lips. Stick tongue out.

Spit. Yes, messy business. I'll just, er...

clean this up for you.

And, er...

Little, er, cleaning of the valve.

Alison?

Yes, Tom?

Alison.

Finger stuck in tuba.

Um, don't quite know, um...

Oh, well... If you perhaps, er, bend, just...

Yep! Yes. Should, should... Yes.

Yes. Got it? Yes, yes.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, that'll be Mummy. Ah, good.

Um, should I?

Yes, leave you to, er... Right.

...get on with it.

Follow straight right. Um...

Come out. Good.

Ah, I'm terribly sorry to trouble you.

We're from the telephone box around the corner

and I wondered if you could help? Oh dear, is she hurt?

Nothing too serious and her husband's on the way.

She banged her face on the return coin tray

and get a lot of cold loose change down her front.

Oh, dear. It's shock mostly.

But if there was anywhere she could lie down for a moment?

If you'd like to come in? Yes, by all means, do.

Best go upstairs. Give you a hand if I...

It's alright, Tom, I'll do it. You look after things down here.

Right. Good. There we go. Alright?

This is awfully kind of you.

Linda Whitworth. I believe we met this morning?

Ah, yes. Er, Chance, Tom Chance. Believe we did.

I suppose it must've seemed a bit odd

finding us all crammed in there like that.

Was a bit puzzled, yes.

You see, we're the Songbourne Ladies Cricket Eleven.

You may have heard of us. We're trying to be

the first ladies cricket team in pyjamas

to stay eight hours in a telephone box. It's a stunt.

It's to raise money for a new pavilion.

I couldn't beg a real favour of you, could I?

You see we told Norris McWhirter and the press and everyone

that we'd be making the attempt in our nighties and that.

But the minibus for the girls to get changed in hasn't turned up

and some of them are shy

about getting changed on the pavement. Oh.

Do you think that they could get changed here?

Ah, yes, of course. Er, like to use the front room? There.

Oh, this is lovely, yes. This'll be wonderful.

Good. Got some visitors coming.

Better go upstairs, do something about this. Leave it to you then.

Well, yes, of course. I'll just give them a shout.

Yes.

Carol? Carol? Can you bring the rest of the girls round?

It's okay to get changed.

Straight through, all of you, straight through and get changed

as quickly as you can. Come on now, no dilly dallying.

Get your clothes off and straight into your nighties.

Is there going to be anyone watching this time, Linda?

I sincerely hope so. I'm taking lots of photographs as well.

Oh, dear. Well, I don't mind doing it.

Just I'm not sure I like the idea of all those people watching.

Do they have to? Of course they do.

That's the whole point of it, isn't it?

I mean, that's where most of the money's coming from.

I suppose so.

Just I've never done this sort of thing for money before.

Don't worry about it and do get a move on.

They'll probably expect us to get started soon.

Oh, she's right, you know, I shouldn't worry.

I mean, the only bit of me a photographer's going to see

is my backside pressed up against the glass.

Now come on, hurry up, all of you!

Outside and into your positions. Very good. Well done.

Good luck, girls. Oh, goodbye. Thank you.

It's nothing.

Ah, good. Yes, such a relief when you get it off.

Thought you'd be off on the job with the girls.

No, probably like to get changed. Ah!

Like me to take you to one of the bedrooms? Oh, no!

No, no, no! No, come on. No, no, no.

Don't be shy. No, no, no!

No, no! Oh! Oh! No!

No nightie? Ah!

Very embarrassing. Yes, understand. Um...

Yes.

Oh, yes. Yes.

Got a pair of pyjamas. Be a perfect fit for you. Wait here.

Um...

Here you are. Oh, thank you.

Oh, you vile, beastly man!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, my God, I'm trapped! Oh! I must get help!

Telephone. Oh, telephone!

Oh, Alison! Oh...

Where's the telephone? Where's the...

Oh, I can't find the wire. Oh!

Oh! Oh! I've got to get out!

Oh, Alison, my pet. My poor innocent pet.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, my God! Oh!

Aaagh!

Aaagh!

DOG SNARLING AND CRUNCHING

Oh!

GIRLS CHATTING

Hello?

Anyone at home? Hey, you, Jimmy.

Are you 41? I beg your pardon.

41, Venables Avenue. Oh yes, yes, I believe it is.

Is this, er, your car?

Yes, yes, that's my car. Is it parked in your way or something?

Och, no, laddie, it's just perfect where it is.

Oh.

Just perfect. Hey, that's my headlamp.

It's not working well, is it?

That one neither.

You know my son Kevin's got a car like this.

His headlights are a wee bit dubious too.

Mind you, he hasn't got a broken windscreen like you've got.

But he does have trouble opening the doors from time to time.

Now then...

do you have the same problem under the bonnet that he does, eh?

Ach, yes. Wires and hoses all over the place, eh?

Still, they're nice cars, those Capris, aren't they?

Yes. Um, forgive me for asking, but why are you doing all this?

The name's Taggart, Mr Chance. James Taggart.

Five days ago, you sold my son Kevin a Capri

which didn't have the street credibility of a lawn mower.

And er, You're so fond of scrap,

I thought you'd like some of your very own.

This wee hammer's a present from me,

to remind you if I ever see you again,

I'll be borrowing it back,

but I won't be using it on your car.

Tom? Yes.

I'm not sure, but I think a strange man out there's

been hitting Daddy's car. Hitting?

Wait here.

Alright, alright, what's all this about then?

Something about selling a car to Kevin.

You-You thought this was my car? No, I don't... Give me that hammer!

Couldn't even be bothered to wait for an explanation!

You make me sick, you people do! You need a sharp lesson!

Need a good punch on the nose.

Half a mind to give it to you myself. In fact, going to.

He's running a brothel in there. We have to warn Alison.

He's got all these women in there and he's paid them to...

Oh, God, Derek, what's he done to you?

Oh, my nose, Doreen. My nose!

That's my bat. What are you doing with my cricket bat?

You've been hitting him in the face with that hammer, haven't you?

Oh, you, you, you swine!

Alec Bedser signed that bat for me, personally signed it.

Alec Bedser!

He's got a vicious Alsatian in the garden as well, Derek.

It's had me pinned up against the wall for hours.

It's eaten my handbag and...

God, Derek.

What's happened to the car?

Don't, don't panic, mother. Don't panic.

There's a phone box down there. You go ring for the police

while I hold this one back.

Really upset me that has.

I mean, that bat was signed for me personally by Alec Bedser.

Now it just says "Alec Bed".

Hello.

SCREAMS

Derek! Oh!

Derek!

What's the matter, woman, what is it?

There's... Oh... I'm...

Oh, Tom, whatever's happened?

Oh, all's well, Alison. Just this homicidal lunatic try...

Er, Tom, I'd like you to meet my parents.

These are my parents.

Mummy, Daddy, this is Mr Chance, the man I was telling you about.

Oh, I do hope you're going to like each other.

# Here I go again

# I hear those trumpets blow again

# All aglow again

# Taking a chance on love

# Here I slide again

# About to take that ride again

# Starry eyed again

# Taking a chance on love

# Things are mending now

# I see a rainbow blending now

# We'll have a happy ending now

# Taking...

# Taking a chance on love! #