Original subtitles

CLARKSON: En el programa de hoy,

El espléndido nuevo Bentley Continental,

El nuevo y robusto Legacy de Subaru,

y hago humo en un Saab caliente.

Buenas noches y bienvenidos al nuevo Bentley Continental GT.

Ahora bien, GT, como seguramente ya sabes, significa Gran Tourer.

Así que lo llevé a un gran recorrido por la sala de espera de Dios,

La Riviera Inglesa.

Mi destino real, como puedes ver

En el sistema de navegación por satélite aquí,

es Budleigh Salterton.

Y es que antiguamente, ellos eran los que habrían comprado uno.

"Hola, mi nombre es Budleigh Salterton.

"y tengo un Bentley Continental GT."

CLARKSON: Bueno, esa es la imagen antigua de Bentley.

Pero hoy las cosas han cambiado.

CLARKSON: No hay manera de que la aristocracia compre este coche.

Quiero decir, hoy en día tienen que quemar a sus hijos.

Sólo para mantener el calor.

Y todos sus muebles se mantienen unidos por las polillas que se los comieron.

En todas sus casas hace corrientes de aire y frío...

Mira, hay una casa aristocrática clásica allí.

Mira eso.

CLARKSON: Porque esto cuesta £110.000,

No es un coche para gente que insulta a sus hijos.

Creo que es más para gente a la que le gusta burlarse de sus novias.

Futbolistas. La gente se llamaba Gary y Wayne.

Presumiblemente, es por eso que esta cosa tiene un doble turbocompresor.

Motor W12 de 6,0 litros.

Porque, verás, de esa manera podrás conseguir en las tiendas

a tu prueba de drogas en un abrir y cerrar de ojos.

CLARKSON: 550 CV colosales

da una velocidad máxima de 198 mph

y de 0 a 60 en 4,7 segundos.

En otras palabras, esto superará en potencia a un Ferrari 575.

Normalmente, haría cualquier cosa para evitar el A303,

Porque siempre te quedas atrapado detrás de alguien con orejas enormes

en un Rover 214 registrado con J.

O, por supuesto, una caravana.

Pero en este caso no hay ningún problema, ya que simplemente hay que poner la palanca de cambios en "S",

para el modo de factor de curvatura de Star Trek,

y luego active los turbos.

¡Guau!

-(EL MOTOR ACELERA) -(CLARKSON SE RÍE)

Eso es muy rápido.

Solo necesitas un pequeño espacio. ¡Y ahí está!

(El motor ruge)

(NEUMÁTICOS CHIRRIENDO)

(SE RISAS) ¡No puedo explicarte lo rápido que es esto!

Y sin embargo, a pesar de este poder feroz,

y es feroz,

No tiene sentido cuando estás aquí

que estás en un corredor despojado y agazapado.

Es tranquilo y cómodo.

Hay madera y hay cuero.

Es como ir a 5.000 mph.

en la bolsa de esponja de Douglas Bader.

CLARKSON: Te hace sentir orgulloso de ser inglés,

Aunque el motor proviene de Volkswagen,

y el piso, y la caja de cambios y la mayoría de los accesorios y herrajes.

Aún así, debido a que también tiene un sistema de tracción en las cuatro ruedas Volkswagen,

Este gran matón tiene un agarre tenaz,

Útil en las sinuosas carreteras de Devon.

Es extraordinario. Para un coche que pesa lo mismo que un Range Rover,

Realmente se siente ágil y vivo.

Incluso se detiene correctamente,

porque tiene los frenos más grandes jamás instalados en un automóvil.

Y además es un bruto muy guapo.

Aunque fue diseñado por un belga,

Se verá bien estacionado entre los pilares.

de la mansión de un futbolista en Cheshire.

Sin embargo, detrás de la apariencia del siglo XVIII,

El interior está menos logrado.

En primer lugar, está esta puerta.

Tienes que ser una máquina de carne para cerrarla correctamente.

Eso es todo.

Y luego, si eres una máquina de carne,

Lo encontrarás un poco apretado aquí,

Principalmente por estos apoyabrazos.

Te obligan a conducir como si tuvieras algún tipo de lesión deportiva.

Y si los bajas, escucha...

(CRUJIENTE)

-Continúa conduciendo... -(CONTINÚA EL crujido)

¿Cuánto tiempo pasará antes de que eso te vuelva loco?

Son completamente inútiles.

Hablando de eso,

Este botón aquí le permite ajustar la dureza de la suspensión.

Así es.

¿Por qué necesitas eso?

¿Por qué querrías que tu Bentley fuera más incómodo?

Realmente es tan útil como el botón de repetición de alarma de un detector de humo.

CLARKSON: Pero una ligera sensación de claustrofobia

Y algún que otro botón tonto no es nada.

En comparación con el mayor problema del Continental:

Su hermano mayor.

El viejo Arnage de cuatro puertas es una sinfonía de pompa y solemnidad,

esperanza y gloria, poder absoluto corruptor, ¡absolutamente!

Oh, no es muy bueno,

Pero hay una sensación de ocasión cuando lo conduces.

Esto es al revés. Brillante, sensacionalmente rápido,

Se maneja muy bien y es casi seguro que será confiable.

Pero te deja una sensación de frío.

En realidad, es un poco como Budleigh Salterton.

A primera vista, te gustaría vivir aquí.

Suena bien, un pequeño pueblo en la costa de Devon.

You'd like a piece of that action.

But actually, there isn't any action.

In a recent survey, Budleigh Salterton was named

as Britain's most over-priced, dreary place.

Everything is here, except the sparkle.

And that is what the Bentley's missing.

The sparkle, the X factor that turns a really good car,

which it is, into a great one...

Which it isn't.

MAY: That's a bit harsh, Jeremy. -No!

Yes, you're right, it was harsh.

But, the thing is, it was cruel but fair,

because when you drive the Phantom, which BMW made,

they've captured the essence of Rolls Royce with that car.

When you drive this, it is brilliant,

make no mistake,

but it does feel like a big Volkswagen.

All right, but, it isn't actually putting anybody off.

And here's the problem. They can make 3500 of these a year, that's all.

They already have 3,500 orders for next year just from America.

I know, and the sort of people who've ordered these things

aren't the kind of people who like to be kept waiting.

Bentley were telling me the other night,

when I ran into a few of them at a party, and they were saying

that they've had people phone up saying,

"If I don't have my car by Easter, you're not welcome in my restaurant,"

or, "You're not welcome in my football club."

They even had one who called up and said,

"If I don't have mine by Christmas, you're not welcome in my country."

(ALL LAUGHING)

Right. The news.

Now, we've heard from Nissan this week about a recall.

Recalls, if you don't know, is when a manufacturer holds up his hand and says,

"There's a problem with one of our cars,

"bring it in and we'll fix it," and they tell the owners.

Usually it's a few thousand, maybe a few hundred thousand.

This particular recall

is for two and a half million Nissans!

Two and a half million cars...

What we were thinking was, "Where do you get the envelopes from?"

I mean, if you walk into the local envelope supplier and go,

"I would like two and a half million..."

And then you've got the photocopying down at Prontaprint.

-"Er, could you copy this for me, please?" -Somebody's given the list!

Write to these people, tell them.

But the bit that I like to think about particularly is,

at some point, there must have been a moment

in an office when somebody realised, "Ooh!"

And they had that long walk down the corridor to the big office and sort of... (KNOCKS)

Yes, what is it Watkins?

-You better not have mucked up again! -Um...

MAY: Not another recall, is it?

How many is it this time? 100,000? 200,000? Come on, give me the worst.

Two and a half million, sir.

Two and a half million cars, I mean how much is that gonna cost in stamps?

Just before you get the car in to actually fix it!

Two and a half million stamps!

Last week we were having a bit of a row about sports cars,

and you championed the S2000 Honda, which was...

HAMMOND: Rubbish. MAY: Rubbish.

Interestingly enough, Honda have improved it. They've given it...

-Impossible to improve! -No, they've given it a clock and a fruitier horn tone.

Oh, that's nice. Does it look any different?

-Look at that. -MAY: Look at that.

-HAMMOND: Oh, no, it is a sports car. -CLARKSON: Majesty.

MAY: You still lost, though, didn't you?

-Am I right about the Honda S2000? -No.

Hands up if you think I'm right.

Hands up for the S2000.

-That's about three people. -That's a majority!

-That was about three people! -Three hundred.

And you still lost.

-If it had been dry, and if your two cars... -Hadn't turned up.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -It would have won.

Would it have won with a new horn tone?

No, the new horn tone is simply because of the speed it goes,

you need a richer horn tone to get the...

I was going to use the wrong word there,

to get your cars out of the way.

It's so the deaf old buggers driving it,

cause it's a Honda, can hear the horn's working at all.

Can I talk about something else now, please?

The police, it seems,

are tired of people ripping up and destroying their speed cameras,

which apparently does go on.

So they've decided instead they're going to use old people.

Sounds like a very good idea.

Well, they're going to arm... It's a pilot scheme.

They're going to arm vigilantes with speed guns

and then send them out into their communities to zap people.

-To shop their neighbours. -What...

What kind of a person is going to say,

"Yes, that's the job for me, I'll get a speed camera."

-It's a job for Paul Burrell. -There you go.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -HAMMOND: Everybody hates you already.

He's done his employers, now I'm gonna do my neighbours and friends.

But what kind of a country are we living in

where people actually think that there will be people who say,

"Yes, I want to go and catch that bloke at number 27 doing 31 miles an hour."

And the point is, the only people who have the time to do this,

and even the police I'm sure will admit this, are retired people.

It's gonna be old people in cardigans, with little...

Yes. Actually, we're safe. We're safe.

Let's imagine the scene in your little village.

"Ooh, Doris, I think there's a car coming.

"Get your radar gun, let's go out and have a look."

"Oh, have you turned the kettle off?

"Have we locked all the windows? Have you been to the lavatory, Bill?

"Because you need to, you haven't been for quite some time.

"Have you locked the door? Have we got the cats inside or out?"

"Oh, I don't know, here he comes, come on be quick, get your...

"That's not your radar gun, love, that's your hairdryer."

"Ooh, Bill...

"Ooh, Bill, you've come out in your slippers!"

I've thought about this, actually.

If you want to do it really cleverly,

if you didn't like your neighbour, just ring him up at work,

tell him the house is on fire

and sit at the end of their road with your radar gun.

HAMMOND: Gotcha!

This is an unusual thing. Jeremy, you want to sit back and have a nap or something,

'cause you're not gonna be very interested. It's about a bike.

-Oh, excellent. -(SIGHS) God!

This is the Dodge Tomahawk. They built one of these things and it's by Chrysler.

They put the engine out of the Viper, you know, the great big engine.

About 420 mph, possibly, potential speed.

Let's have a look at this thing.

It's absolutely astonishing.

They've built one. They're going to actually sell them through mail order.

CLARKSON: I don't think that's a bike.

It's got four wheels and a Dodge Viper engine.

-I call that a car. -HAMMOND: I think they may have been confused.

CLARKSON: We don't do bikes on this programme.

HAMMOND: What is his problem?

Can I just ask you though, Jeremy... I'm interested in this.

What is it that you don't get about bikes? I want to try and help you.

I just don't want to dress up like a Power Ranger

and drive to a pub and drink orange juice all afternoon.

You like these cars that you get involved with and so do I,

and I'd never give up a car, but a bike, you are much more...

Back me up, at one with a bike. Your body...

You're at one with the bike until you hit the tree

and then you're at one with that.

I think it's simply that you know,

you know deep down, in your heart of hearts,

if you were on a bike, you would look ridiculous.

-Yes. -I would.

Because everyone on a bike, with that leather arse...

Look at that! Look at my bottom.

I've got a zigzag blue thing on the front of my suit

and I'm wearing a hat like a terrorist.

-Have you ever fallen out of a car? -No.

-Well, there you are. -Actually, I have.

Driving down the M40, here's a hump... (VOCALISES)

"I've fallen out!"

That's user error, it's not obligatory.

-Can I just move it on? -HAMMOND: Yes, please.

Heard a great story this week. You know Travelodge?

The people... Little hotels at the side of the road.

They've decided that now they will open up their rooms,

rent them for half an hour at a time to tired motorists.

-During the day. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

For a fiver.

So a gentleman and a lady motorist

decide they need a little bit of a break...

-I immediately thought the same as you. -Little nap!

A gentleman and a lady motorist are driving along

and say let's have a "nap".

For half an hour, for a fiver, in the Travelodge.

But no, they're actually saying the rooms are only single occupancy.

They'll only allow you in there on your own.

So why would you want to have a nap?

I've just been looking at this picture of Pamela Anderson and I need a nap...

For five minutes.

Now, imagine you're driving along one day,

and suddenly you veer off into a lake.

It does happen. Seriously.

It does happen. Seriously.

Every year in Britain more people drown in cars than on boating lakes.

It's absolutely true. So, I decided...

Well, Jeremy and James decided

that I should investigate this by drowning myself.

HAMMOND: First, stunt coordinator Sean Rogers

took me aside for a quiet word.

This is not to scare you.

It's just to show you how quickly this car could fill up.

All right?

(MECHANISM GRINDS)

HAMMOND: Okay.

If you wait, we're talking about the water coming in, coming in...

-And that's it. -Now it's gone.

-That's quick, isn't it? -That's right.

So you haven't got time to muck about.

HAMMOND: Now, obviously, it isn't a good idea to simply drive a car into a lake

and see what happens.

Instead, we've got ourselves a tank and some safety divers.

Now, all I need to do is learn some basic diving techniques,

just in case things go wrong.

Before we did the stunt for real,

I had to go underwater to practise the emergency hand signals,

in case there was a problem and the divers had to give me air.

Then, just to spice things up a bit,

they ripped my face mask off without warning.

And sure enough, within seconds, I was breathing water.

Not a good start.

And then to add insult to my likely injuries,

I got first sight of my potential coffin.

An F-reg Vauxhall Carlton. Not even a GSI.

Oh, thank you.

As the time approached to actually do this,

even though I knew I had a host of safety people around me to make sure I was okay,

I've got to confess, my nerves were on edge.

Okay, I'm swinging above the water...

In a car.

About to have a horrible accident.

Real fear.

A real sense of fear.

Okay.

-ROGERS: Richard, are you okay? -I'm okay.

-ROGERS: Ready, Fred? -Ready.

ROGERS: Divers, ready?

ROGERS: Okay, standby.

Five, four,

three, two, one, action!

And we'll find out later if I die.

But first,

here's yet another Jaguar concept car.

This one is called the R-D6.

It's made almost entirely of aluminium. It's very light.

And it's powered, remarkably, by a turbo-charged, V6 diesel engine.

The bit I really like is the inside. Have a look at this.

Now have a look at that. Black leather,

all those shiny bits and those red lights down the footwell.

Now, clearly a Jaguar designer got completely lashed in a vodka bar

and thought, "I'll make it look like this then."

So, obviously there will be a bouncer on the door,

telling you you can't come in because you got trainers on.

It's a gorgeous looking thing,

but here's the thing I don't get about Jaguar concept cars.

Two years ago, about then, they showed us the XK180.

And there it is, that was to show us what Jaguars of the future will look like.

But then last year, they did the R-Coupe,

to show us what Jaguars of the future will look like.

Now they're back again with this to show us

what Jaguars of the future will look like.

Now look, Jaguar, you have made your point.

Just make the car!

Right, let's meet this week's guest.

He's an actor, he's a comedian,

he's responsible for Marion and Geoff, which I just love, terrific television programme.

And if we look down here, I think I'm right in saying

he's the first Welshman we've ever had on.

Ladies and gentlemen, Rob Brydon!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

-Jeremy! -All right? Take a seat.

Hello!

CLARKSON: So, um...

Now, we know the Scottish have given us really everything that matters in the world.

Yes.

And it would be cheap to say the Welsh have given us nothing.

Here we go. Yes.

No, really, because we were working it out

and really the Welsh have given the theatre everybody.

-Burton. Zeta-Jones. Hopkins. -Yes, but, but, but...

You see, you forget the big names, the big theatrical media names.

Sian Lloyd, the weather girl.

Yeah, she's...

-H from Steps. -Is he Welsh as well?

I think H actually, he's got a mini Graceland now up in North Wales,

where he comes from.

And they get up to six or seven visitors a year.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

It is an astonishing thing, when you think about the great performances,

it is Hopkins at the National,

and it is Burton at the Old Vic, whatever.

You, not really been there, have you?

You're more famous for your car advertisement voice-overs.

He is!

Every time you hear a car advert on the television,

I can pretty much guarantee he is the voice.

How many have you done? There's the Ford Mondeo Tom and Jerry, that was you.

-I think that's still running, yeah. Yeah. -That's still running.

-What were the other ones? -I think the Renault Scenic, at the moment.

How does that one go?

(LAUGHS)

I've forgotten it.

Okay, you have to quiet for it, ready?

(CLEARS THROAT)

In the recent NCAP Euro crash tests,

only one car in its class got five stars for safety...

The new Renault Scenic.

It's him!

-Now, Marion and Geoff . -Hmm.

-I can't tell you how much I love it. -Thank you.

I'm not just being nice

because it's you, and you know you're visiting England and everything,

I really genuinely...

I can't, I just can't miss it.

A chap was telling me here he's just the same. He just can't miss this thing.

What gave you the idea... Have you seen it?

It's basically... You're a sort of minicab driver,

graduated now to be a chauffeur and sit talking about your miserable life.

Well, Keith Barrett is his name,

and his wife, Marion, has left him for a man called Geoff.

So in the first series, he was a minicab driver.

In the second series, he's graduated to become a chauffeur.

And he just sits there telling you about his life,

but he always sees the sort of silver lining.

Somebody once said in a newspaper thing,

he'd see the silver lining in a mushroom cloud.

He would. And the thing is, it's not comedy, is it?

I mean, I wanna show a clip of Marion and Geoff , because I love it. Okay?

And it's the bit where he's explaining, um...

What he would do if he were attacked by a terrorist.

So what I'd do, as a middle ground...

Uh, I keep it under the seat.

It belonged to my dad.

It's a machete.

And that's there as needs be.

That's there as needs be, so...

Like that.

So I spot trouble... I do keep an eye in the mirror.

I look in the mirror.

So here he comes, here comes the terrorist...

And I'm down and I'm there.

The fear is that I knock myself out on the steering wheel.

Or that I inadvertently set off the airbag.

Let's just do that one more time.

Relaxed.

Mirror. Mirror. Terrorist. Down!

Out! Up!

It's not foolproof.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

CLARKSON: Oh, I love it.

-Now... -(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

(LAUGHS) That's my mum.

For a man who has made his name in a car and by advertising them,

I have to say... No, I'm not gonna let you off this.

You have had the most wretched car history

of anyone I've ever, ever met.

It starts off, where were we, radio DJ...

BBC Radio Wales. Good morning!

-You bought yourself a Volkswagen Polo. -Brand new.

Brand new. Things going well.

Your next car

is a third-hand Vauxhall Carlton.

What in God's name possessed you to do that?

My dad came across it. You know, it was reasonably priced.

-It was a big, brown Vauxhall... -Brown?

Wait! Let me finish!

It was a big, brown Vauxhall Carlton

and the inside was a kind of creamy, sort of biscuit colour.

It was velour, the seats.

It was a nice car. It got me from A to B.

That was not the worst of my cars.

-What, you're trying to say the green Sierra... -Yeah. That was the worst.

What possessed you to do that?

My dad came across it. You know, it was a good price.

Did you branch out on your own for the 1992 Ford Escort?

Now, the 1992 Ford Escort, I thought,

and I don't know anything about cars...

-That's obvious. -Was quite a sexy little car. I quite liked it actually.

Have you ever actually watched Top Gear?

Because you might... (STAMMERS)

I've never seen a whole one, no.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-It clashes with Heartbeat, okay? Which goes against you. -I know.

But I do make a special effort to watch Marion and Geoff.

You should try and watch one all the way through, because after the Escort...

You're not going to believe this, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, I know what you're going to say now. Okay.

A Mitsubishi Carisma.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Why on earth did you buy one of those?

Well, my dad came across it...

By this time my dad was, and is,

working for Mitsubishi.

What did you do to upset your dad so much, though, over the years?

"It's that Rob, he's come around, I've got another magnificent car for him!"

(STAMMERS) No, you're a snob.

(STUTTERS)

I make no bones about it. I want to rescue people from bad cars.

I've already been rescued. I've got an Audi A4 convertible.

What more do you want?

Well. What's happened to the Carisma?

I've given it to my girlfriend.

-You bought a petrol-engined, Audi A4 convertible. -Yeah.

You see, it's a nice car. I mean, don't let anyone sit in the back.

Why?

Anyone who sits in the back of a four-seater convertible looks like Hitler.

(ALL LAUGHING)

He was the only man... Or maybe Mussolini...

He was the only man who looked good in the back of a four-seater convertible.

He was... If somebody says, "I'll go in the back," advise against it.

-Advise they go on the bus or something. -Okay.

Now, it is time,

I think, to start looking at your performance today.

You're probably, actually, come to think of it,

the first person ever to drive that thinking, "This is a nice car."

-Yes, yes, yes! -Shall we see how you got on?

-Yeah. -Now, we should explain before we start,

we did put the camera today in the Marion and Geoff position for you...

Yeah, on the other side.

...so that you were able to, if you felt the need,

because we knew you'd be out there some time, getting around the lap,

to do a little bit of Marion and Geoff for us. Here we go.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

-Well, wheel spin start. First time with wheel spin? -Yeah.

I have to say, all around,

a very nice ride.

(ALL LAUGHING)

CLARKSON: That's very smooth.

And I wouldn't be at all surprised

to hear that Geoff has got himself one of these as well.

(TYRES SQUEALING)

Having a bit of fun,

taking the kids out with him. My little smashers.

I think they'd have a lovely time together.

All of them chanting in the back. Singing songs.

Oh!

Now, this is where you'll be caught out.

CLARKSON: No, you stayed on line.

Sugar babies. Here we go.

Right, I'm doing 75mph. Bloody hell!

CLARKSON: Final corner. Michael Gambon.

Ladies and gentleman, he's across the line there.

You know, before I came on, in my little heart I've been going,

"Ooh, maybe I was quite fast."

-I wasn't, was I? I just... -Where would you like to be?

-I'd like to beat Steve, obviously. -What, Coogan?

-Yeah. -Steve Coogan who produces your show.

-Mmm-hmm. -And you are mates. I am aware of this.

Well, he did it in 1.54... Soaking wet day. I remember that.

Absolutely pouring with rain.

But we do say that

if it were dry you go four seconds faster,

so he's at 1.50. You'd like to beat him.

Let me tell you something. Realistically, that was never gonna happen, was it?

Oh, don't say that!

-But it did! -Seriously?

You went faster than that.

You wanna know something more amazing?

You did it in 1.48.

-(LAUGHING) -(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

-Seriously? Seriously? -Seriously.

Bloody hell!

-Seriously? -Yes, 1.48.6.

Yes!

Now...

It's astonishing but true.

It's okay. Jodie or Jay, if you're watching, he was .6,

so actually fits in just there...

In third place.

I'm speechless!

Are you really expecting to get a Christmas card from Coogan this year?

I think not.

I'm almost crying!

That is, honestly, for the worst car buyer we've ever had,

one of the greatest drivers.

Ladies and gentlemen, Rob Brydon!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

-That was great. Thank you. Thank you. -It's true.

Now, earlier we saw Jeremy driving this Bentley Continental GT.

And he pointed out, quite rightly, that it's as new money

as an onyx mug tree.

That had me wondering. What's the old money being spent on these days?

MAY: The British toff. Though rare and endangered,

they are easy to identify.

-(GUNSHOTS) -Well done, Rupert.

They are most readily spotted in the countryside,

because they own it.

Distinguishing features include their clothing,

which used to belong to their parents,

and their characteristic mating call of "harrumph".

Everything they have, like their families, their titles and their houses,

is very old, because toffs don't buy things.

They only inherit them.

And this includes their cars,

which are oily old bags of bolts and smell of dogs.

In fact, the aristocracy just doesn't care

for spending money on transport.

Let's imagine you're master of all you survey.

And it's most of Buckinghamshire!

And let's imagine the time has come to replace the ancestral transport.

Now, this means you're going to have to do something

very un-aristocratic:

buy a brand new car.

Well, here it is.

It's the new Subaru Legacy Outback.

MAY: So, why this? Why not something German and obvious?

Well, for a start, it's very discreet

and Your Lord and Ladyship don't want anything too showy.

Bad form.

Its radiator grill has no real presence.

In fact, it has the look of a car

you could lose in a station car park.

And that's just perfect.

Secondly, the Outback is tough and well-built,

so it can be handed on from generation to generation.

It has an excellent four-wheel drive system and good ground clearance,

which is useful, because the drive up to the house

was built by William the Conqueror,

and it's a bit rough.

And just look at these materials.

Look at this gear knob.

It's gonna take years for the dog to chew its way through that lot.

I heard a story recently about a landed lady

who bought one of these for her farm manager.

But when she tried it, she decided, "It's far too good for him."

So, she kept it.

Charlie! Come on!

MAY: And frankly, that's as it should be,

because the nobs have always liked Subaru.

And there's a good reason for that.

When the first ones came to Britain in 1977,

there were no dealers.

So they were sold alongside muck spreaders and tractors at farm equipment showrooms.

Just the sort of place where the landed gentry hangs out.

This also meant they didn't have to go into town and visit a car dealership,

where they might have had to mingle with the proletariat.

Now, to be honest, previous Legacys were a bit agricultural.

They had harsh interiors and rather lumpen engines.

And this new one is much, much more sophisticated.

Now, that's probably not of much concern

to the posh people up in the big manor house,

but it makes it much more appealing

to those of us in the grasping lower orders.

Now, Lord Bufton, he doesn't really care that the engine

is a brand new three-litre flat-6,

but, of course, we do because it's smoother and more powerful

than the old four-cylindered donkey engine you used to get.

He probably also won't notice

that the interior is now much smarter,

because what's the point when it will all be eaten by the dog anyway?

But the rest of us are actually chuffed to bits,

in our small-minded and aspirational sort of way,

because the interior of this car

used to be very basic and hosed down,

but now look at it. It's like a Honda. And look at these gadgets.

This is one of the finest satellite navigation systems I've ever used.

Mind you, it's a bit pointless if you really are an aristocrat,

because then you'd own a whole county

and you can't fit that on the screen.

I almost forgot to tell you what it's like to drive.

Well, I quite like it, actually.

It's relaxing and it's un-stressful.

MAY: "Agreeable" is probably the right word.

Nothing more than that, but that will be plenty.

Finally, we come to the vulgar business of money.

This car will cost £28,000, which seems a lot,

but then again it's expected to last for several hundred years.

One day, it will be very old and battered and probably a bit whiffy,

but it will be around long after socialism and the fox hunting ban

have been completely forgotten.

MAY: Maybe the aristocrats aren't quite as daft as they look.

They don't spend money very often,

but when they do, they spend it very carefully.

Once every few generations, they might get a new coat

or have the roof done, or buy a car.

This should be all the car they'll ever need.

And I knows me place, so it will do for me as well.

Right, what I have here

are the results of the 2003 BBC Top Gear Motoring Survey.

This is the biggest survey ever undertaken

into how satisfied you are with your car.

How reliable it is, how good the dealer is to you, the lot.

-I think we had, what, 43,000 responses to this? -Mmm-hmm.

And there are 137 cars in it. And I'd just like to point out

that the Subaru Legacy, the old one, admittedly, came 10th.

-Which is very good. -Well that's... It's very good.

But it's not surprising.

What is surprising is the car that came first out of all 137.

-Not a Lexus? Lexus always wins. -No. Not a Lexus.

Not this time, because it is the Jaguar XJ.

There's one over there. That's incredible.

And it didn't just do well, it did astonishingly well.

It got the maximum five points in nearly everything apart from practicality, I think.

And it got four in that anyway, so that's brilliant.

One thing even more amazing than that though. Okay?

Anyone want to hazard a guess at what came last?

The least reliable, nastiest car,

where the dealers really hate you. Wanna hazard a guess?

MAN: Vauxhall.

Vauxhall, no, completely wrong.

It is the Volkswagen Sharan.

The horrible people carrier.

If only everything in life was as reliable as a Volkswagen,

you'd never get on another plane as long as you live!

Your dog would die every 15 minutes!

And this whole survey throws up some fascinating stuff,

like the Porsche 911,

a favourite car of mine, known for its somewhat scary handling sometimes.

96% of 911 owners in this survey

claim to be absolutely satisfied with their car's handling.

Which is very good.

It leaves 4%, and they probably were entirely satisfied

with the handling of their 911

right up until they hit the tree.

Then they changed their minds.

Yeah, but think of it this way,

the people who got their bone marrow and their eyes

-are very satisfied with the handling of a 911. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Let's just run this one around the room. Let's just find out.

What... What do you drive, sir?

A 355.

-A Ferrari. -Yeah.

There's an interesting statistic on Ferrari. What is it, James?

"90% of people, who said they had a Ferrari were lying."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

CLARKSON: It's...

It's true! Honest, it's true!

People were actually filling in the form and then we checked everything,

or the company that did it checked everything with the DVLA.

90% hadn't got a Ferrari.

And you think, "Why did you do that?"

What did you think, some really beautiful girl is gonna,

"Wow, there's a bloke here with a Ferrari! I'll..."

It's a computer!

What have you got?

A Golf Mark IV.

A Mark IV Golf.

Now, there's an interesting one on Golf, isn't there?

Yeah, now, there's a lot of cars based around the Golf, you know.

All the SEATs, the Beetle, the Audi A3, the Audi TT.

They're all Golfs with different bodies and different badges, okay?

Yeah. Now, which do you think is the worst of all the Golf-based cars?

-(AUDIENCE MURMURS) -It's the Golf.

You're right.

The worst Golf is a Golf!

If you want to buy a Golf, don't get a Golf.

That's basically what we've learned from this survey.

-That's a beard! -(LAUGHS) Subaru Impreza.

-MAY: Uh-oh. -There's always one, isn't there?

Every single week, we come down here and there's a fleet of Subarus.

Do you wanna know where it came?

-Yeah, go on then. -Fifteenth.

Fifteenth most reliable car,

-so not as good as the Outback. -I don't believe it.

You don't, but why? Is it not reliable?

-No, I keep mucking it up. -You keep mucking it up?

I'm part of your group of...

I've messed up my car with a stupidly big exhaust as well.

Oh, really? How big are we talking?

Four inches.

Do girls come running up to you?

-No. -Not with that beard, actually.

Um...

Silly question, sorry. What have you got?

-A Passat. -A Volkswagen Passat.

-WOMAN: Whoa! -"Whoa," exactly.

What a man! Where's it come?

-78th. -78th. Yeah.

78th most reliable car!

And, actually, while we're on the subject of this German business,

there's a chap over here I was talking to earlier. Okay?

-You've got a... -SL.

-A Mercedes? -Mmm-hmm.

Mercedes. Okay?

Now, they are a byword for durability. Where's yours?

Well, it's gone to have its MOT today,

but unfortunately they did a pick-up this morning

and it broke down on the way to Tony Purslow in Guildford.

So, it broke down on the way to the dealer!

This is not the first time Mercedes...

Do you want to know where the best Mercedes came?

The highest placed Mercedes was...

57th!

And if you look at the bottom 10 or 11 places, okay? The bottom 10 or 11.

That's where you normally find the Alfas, and the Renaults and the Citroens...

You find the M-Class, the A-Class and the C-Class, all sitting in there.

If you want to find out how your car did,

all of these results are on our website,

which you can find on a computer, I suppose,

at, um, at work tomorrow.

Now, earlier on we left me dangling above a tank of water

in a large Vauxhall,

which interestingly came in 74th in the survey.

I can testify, anyway, that it lets water in.

Now, this theory runs that you're supposed to sit in the car

and let it fill up with water until the pressure equalises

and you can open the door and get out.

Well, let's see what really happened.

ROGERS: Five, four, three, two, one. Action!

We're now on the water.

Now, surprisingly, it's sinking fast from the back.

-I didn't expect that. -(WATER GURGLING)

I can hear the water coming in.

It's around my feet.

It's a very strange feeling.

I feel the panic rising with the water. You can hear it in my voice.

It's around my ankles.

I think... The central locking is going crazy.

Now I can see the water at the glass and that is scary.

It's coming up to my stomach.

Let's control this panic.

I'm starting to get my breaths ready.

We're leaning a lot as well.

I'm gonna save the last bit of air.

Because it's no good thinking you could sit in here for ages.

I'm gonna have to take my last breath. We're going very sideways.

(EXHALES) This is very frightening.

HAMMOND: Now, remember, the theory goes that as soon as the car fills with water,

the pressure should be equalised and the doors should open easily.

But as the car sank, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't open the door.

It was 30 seconds since I'd taken my last breath,

30 seconds since I should have been able to open that door.

But still it wouldn't budge.

I realised I wasn't gonna get out.

(INHALES)

Eventually, the car hit the bottom of the tank,

but it still took more precious seconds

for the water pressure to equalise.

Only then could I open the door and escape.

If it was for real, I'm pretty sure I would have drowned.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

So, did you die in the making of that film?

Oh, yeah. If it was real, yes, I did.

And if it is, it was very lucky you were in the GL model,

because that was one that did come with the diver in the backseat

-with the aqua-lung. -Yeah. Yeah.

If it had been an L, (BLOWS RASPBERRY) that would have been curtains.

I think... I've just got to get it straight in my head.

If the thing's sinking,

you have wait for it to get to the bottom?

Yes, because as it sinks,

there's always greater pressure on the outside, basically.

It doesn't catch up until it stays

-at the same point. -So, you have to wait

for it to get to the bottom and then you can get out.

And then the pressure slowly equalises and you can get out and swim.

Which is all right if it's, what, five, ten feet deep.

Yeah, but I mean, it could be 150 feet.

So, that advice goes out the window, basically.

And RoSPA now say,

"If you do drive into the water, get out as fast as you can.

"Don't mess about." So, I gave that a go as well.

Did you die that time?

Well, let's find out.

ROGERS: Five, four, three...

-HAMMOND: Here we go. -ROGERS: ...two, one.

-ROGERS: Action! -HAMMOND: Okay, I'm going in.

From a big drop this time. Straight in the water.

And I will try the windows. Nothing.

I'm gonna try the door. It's very difficult.

Wow! (GRUNTS)

I went for the windows. As the advice says, nothing doing.

And it sank quickly that time.

HAMMOND: But I went for the door straightaway and as I tried it...

I feel like I've wrenched my arm. It started okay.

As soon as the car started to descend,

you could just feel it. It was just getting harder to do.

So, there you go. If you do drive into the drink,

according to my experience and what RoSPA says,

just get out as fast as you can.

-Now, can we do something important? -Yes.

-The Cool Wall. -Oh, yes!

-Lot of cars. We've done a lot of cars... -It's good to be back!

...in the last few weeks. We haven't put them up.

We're gonna start with the Bentley Continental GT. Where do we think?

(AUDIENCE SHOUTING)

CLARKSON: Cool?

No! It's cool.

-Okay. Well, thank you all for your opinion. -(HAMMOND CHUCKLES)

-It's cool. -HAMMOND: It is cool.

-It is! -Aha! However,

with a proviso.

As soon as you open your copy of the Sun newspaper

and you see that Mr Beckham has taken delivery of his,

it's on its way down.

But, for now, since he doesn't have one, it's a cool car.

The BMW M3 CSL. You drove it.

It is a fantastic car!

-MAN: Subzero. -Subzero?

What do we think? Anyone else?

WOMAN 1: Subzero. WOMAN 2: Subzero.

-So wrong! -All of them,

totally wrong!

How can it be cool if you have to explain,

"That's my carbon roof, that is." That is not cool.

That is going to be bought by the sort of man

who lies awake at night thinking of his gear shift aggression strategy

for the drive to work the next day.

This is not just uncool like an M3.

That is in there.

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

That is true. It's true.

Now then, Ford GT, the new one.

HAMMOND: That's a tricky one.

Well, let me hear. Let me hear some opinions on this. What do you think?

-Subzero. -Subzero?

-Subzero. -Subzero.

-Now, we've got one over here. -Seriously uncool.

Needs to be in light blue and orange.

-Yeah, but... -I mean, subzero.

Okay, if it were light blue and orange...

You're referring to the Golf colours.

-Absolutely. -I can match your

-anorak levels here easily. - Okay.

Then it would be okay?

It would be subzero.

Subzero, if you get the colours right. Good point.

Anyone over here got opinions on the Ford GT?

It's a very cool car.

-Very cool. -Very cool.

-Very cool. -Pretty cool.

Not a democracy here.

No! You're wrong!

Now, now that's wrong! Now, look.

If this were a Ferrari,

I think we'd... I'd be with you, they might disagree,

but it's not a Ferrari.

It's got a kind of retro something... It's like those '70s shades

with the holes down the side and the big... It's cool.

That is a cool car.

If you were to turn up to someone's house in a red American car

with white stripes down the side, they'd pretend to be out.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) -It goes there.

You're talking about the Starsky and Hutch car.

This is a retro supercar. It's essentially cool!

Right.

There is just one proviso on that.

If I buy one, it'll be moving up a bit.

-Funny, that. Funny, that. -All right?

Right, here's one that I drove.

And this is a truly awesome car.

The Porsche 911 GT3.

-Fabulous! -Uncool.

-Again... -Whoa, whoa! Why is this uncool?

-It's just a 911. -All 911s are uncool.

-Oh, now, you're just daft. -And you think...

I think 911 suck.

I like some of what this audience is saying.

No, They're... They're in...

-Go somewhere else, Jeremy. -Super cool.

-Thank you, sir. -He's come in an all-black rugby shirt.

Get to the back.

What do you think, girls?

-Seriously cool. -Seriously...

-Seriously cool. -Seriously cool. Seriously cool.

How interesting that the girls are wrong

and the blokes have got it right.

Yeah, I mean, it is a brilliant car!

But it's got no backseat.

It's just got a load of scaffolding and roll bars here.

-HAMMOND: You don't have to explain it. -Let me put it to this way.

I come to take you out in one of these one night. Okay? You say to me,

"Why has it got all that scaffolding in the backseat and the ironmongery?"

I'd have to explain that to you,

how interesting do you think that'd be?

-Very. -Oh dear!

I'd go out with you again.

Fine. You see the thing is...

You'd make the second date.

HAMMOND: Blimey!

I agree.

Whoo!

Can we, um, can we now...

-(STAMMERING) Can we move on? -(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Can we just talk about people carriers for a while?

-Obviously... -Oh, my word!

All of them are uncool. If you buy a people... Anyone got one?

You have. Basically, what you're saying about yourself, sir, is

you've had your children and now you're just waiting to die.

HAMMOND: Yeah.

However, the Renault Espace, here,

-is cool. -HAMMOND: It is.

It just... It's what?

Very, very ugly.

Are you a policewoman?

-Yes. -Ah.

So, as I was saying, it's very, very cool.

'Cause I can do that in here.

However, the moment you've all been waiting for. It's the new 5 Series.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Right. Let's just see, run round the room on it.

What do you reckon?

-MAN: Seriously uncool. -Seriously uncool.

-Quite uncool. -Quite uncool.

-MAN: Cool. -Cool.

-Do you play golf? -Yes.

-Do you play golf? -Yes.

Yeah. That's the problem.

This car will be bought almost entirely by people who play golf.

Ergo...

-Sorry. Sorry. -(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Oh.

However, this car has given the world a problem.

Because, you see,

for years, I know loads of people who've always had 5 Series BMWs.

They've all looked at this and went,

"That is so ugly! There's no way I'm going to have one."

So it leaves them a problem. What do they buy?

Well, eventually they're gonna have to have

something done with their teeth.

And while the dentist has got his bit in their mouths,

he's going to say,

"I've got a Saab." All dentists have Saab. Okay? All.

And graphic designers all have them,

and all architects have them and all Stephen Frys have them.

And when you ask someone who's got a Saab, "Why?",

you always get the same patronising smile.

Like they know something we don't. Okay?

And I think I've worked out what it is. Okay?

And I think I've worked out what it is. Okay? I think it's because they spend all day doing root canals,

I think it's because they spend all day doing root canals,

then when they drive home, they think,

"I'm not a dentist.

"I'm Chuck Yeager."

CLARKSON: Saab has been telling us for years

that their cars are jets with number plates.

The message is clear.

Buy a 9-5 and you'll be able to blast a hole in the sound barrier

and manoeuvre up your own tailpipe.

Really?

I mean, do jet fighters have handbrakes, for instance,

or ignition keys down here, or electric windows or a cup holder?

I actually asked a bloke from Saab the other day

what elements of this come from the aeronautical industry.

And all he could come up with was this night panel button on the dashboard,

which turns all the lights and most of the dials off at night. That's it.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

CLARKSON: That's handy if you want to line up for a bombing run

on a Soviet nuclear submarine base,

but of limited use on the A38 just outside Burton-on-Trent.

There are other differences, too.

The plane takes off at 137 mph.

The car doesn't.

The plane is made by Saab.

The car is made by General Motors.

And, finally, the plane uses a Volvo engine.

Now, what I'd like to do at this point,

to demonstrate the difference between car and plane even more,

is bolt The Stig into the Saab here

and have him race a fighter jet round our track.

The only trouble is, can you imagine ringing up the Royal Navy and saying,

"Hello, I'm from that poky motoring programme on BBC Two.

"Would it be possible to borrow one of your Sea Harriers?"

You can imagine what the response would be.

-CLARKSON: Yes! They were there in a jiffy! -(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

So, top-of-the-range Saab 9-5 Hot Aero

versus Sea Harrier FA2.

MAN: (OVER RADIO) Go!

CLARKSON: And they're off. 2.3-litre, 250 hp turbo

against 21,500 pounds of jet thrust.

Harrier's off the ground and already doing 200 mph.

Saab's up to 58 mph.

The plane's pulling 6G in the corners.

And the car's still lumbering down the first straight!

That's another corner dispatched.

And the pilot, yes, I think he's already

got the finish line in his crosshairs

and the car, yes, well, here it comes up to the second corner,

which is Chicago.

-Oh, bit of oversteer on the way in -(TYRES SCREECH)

and lots and lots of understeer on the way out.

And the plane... Yes, there it goes across the finishing line.

(RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES PLAYING)

It's Ride Of The Valkyries or, as he knows it,

the music from the Pirelli advert!

Into Follow Through, it is quick. It is quick!

Stig's not giving up. I like to see that in a man.

But he's nearly lost it though!

He's in Gambon and he's just held it.

And across... Oh, look, the plane's waiting for him. That's nice.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

What about that?

Well done. Brilliant.

The pilot did go a bit wide in some of the corners, didn't he?

He did go wide. He did say with a Harrier

it would be possible to actually follow the confines of the track

and it would still be faster than the car.

But we said, "Nah, nah, nah, go for it."

So, he did run a bit wide. I mean, over this corner he was over Brighton.

Round here it was Oxford.

Coming round that one, he actually hit Edinburgh.

But I have the time. Do you wanna know?

Go on.

31.2 seconds.

So, if you could pop that up for us there, Richard.

-Go on. -I'm not...

Thank you very much.

That's the new...

That's the new fastest... Thing ever to go round our track.

-I think that might last a bit, that record. -Right,

the car, 1.37.9.

That's nearly a second and a half slower than a Honda Civic.

-HAMMOND: Yeah. -Which takes us back

to the original question.

Why do those people who have Saabs have that smile on their face?

Well, I went back out there to find out.

CLARKSON: To drive, it's nice, in a quiet, relaxing non-jet-fighter sort of way.

Middle-of-the-road motoring

from the country that invented middle-of-the-road pop.

( SUPER TROUPER PLAYING)

CLARKSON: It costs £27,000.

Not quite as much as you'd pay for the German alternatives,

but not a bargain either.

Inside, I can find very little that would put that smile

on the face of the graphic designers

and the architects and the dentists who buy these things.

The thing I like most of all is this satellite navigation system.

You've got a touch screen and it lets you choose your language.

And you can have English UK, and English US.

Sort of exactly the same but with extra adenoids!

CLARKSON: I also like the performance.

Like all the fastest Euroboxes,

it gets from 0-60 in six or so seconds

and keeps on going to 155.

The only trouble is that to get that level of performance from a big car,

you need a lot of power.

That's okay with a Mercedes or a Jaguar or a BMW,

'cause they're rear-wheel drive. But this...

Isn't.

An engineer at Saab once told me

that the absolute limit for a front-wheel drive car is 220 bhp.

This has 250.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Handling is just hysterical. It's like driving a fast bouncy castle.

Whoa!

And if you push too hard in a corner,

you just go into a world of smoke and brimstone.

(TYPES SCREECHING)

And then you come out of the corner on the other side

and everything's fine, except you need some new tyres.

This car has a five-star safety rating. That's the top.

You know, I suspect it has nothing to do

with the strength of the passenger cell

or the energy absorbance of the front

and everything to do with the fact

it's almost impossible to crash it!

CLARKSON: So, to sum up, it has foolproof handling,

it's quite fast, quite good-looking

and it's quite hard to think why anyone would buy this instead of a Merc.

Perhaps, though, I'm missing something.

Perhaps it's at the cutting edge in some other unusual way.

Somehow I doubt it.

You see, this car is part Vauxhall Vectra, part Saab 9000.

And the 9000 is so old

that I think I'm right in saying Helen of Troy had one.

I think that was the car that the suspension was made out of myrrh.

CLARKSON: You have to dig very deep to find the point of this car,

but it's worth it, because it's there all right!

Firstly, it's eco-friendly. The trees hug it as it goes by.

And then there's the mid-range clout.

The rate this thing goes in second gear from 40-70 mph is just...

(GUFFAWS)

That is sensational!

For overtaking a lorry, never mind the 5 Series BMW,

this will do it quicker than a Porsche 911 Turbo.

Whoa!

Treading on the throttle, in second gear

gives you some idea of what it would be like

to tread on a land mine. Whoa!

CLARKSON: So, there you are. The Saab 9-5, good in parts, better in others.

-What a nice programme it was tonight. -Mmm, yeah.

Really was. And a nice Saab.

I really like that.

-I drove a really nice Subaru. -Exactly.

-I didn't drown, which is nice. -Nice.

-And we have the lovely Bentley. -That was very nice.

Most of all, though, we have some fantastic people here

and I want you to give them a round of applause.

From HMS Invincible, who brought the Harrier.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

That's all we've got time for, I'm afraid.

See you next week. Bye.