Original subtitles

Thank you.

Open that one.

What's in it?

Lipstick.

No!

Naked Savage.

Catchy, eh?

I'm doing the photography for the greatest

cosmetics ad campaign since beauty became an industry.

You know, full pages in all the leading magazines,

billboards, the whole works.

And guess who the model is?

Alison Duquesne.

Who?

The naked savage.

You've never heard of Alison Duquesne?

Look, I'll show you.

Do you have the latest copy of "Vogue" around here?

Let me see your import license.

Import? I'm not gonna sell this stuff.

I'm gonna photograph it, you see?

Get Colonel Celaya.

Look, I'm a photographer.

I'm that Ben Morris.

I take pictures, you see?

Well, don't.

And what else leads you to believe

this North American may be racy?

He keeps talking about a naked savage, Colonel.

Code name for the operation.

Characteristic.

I've been in some backward places in my life,

but this one takes the prize!

Then why are you here?

Because they told me in New York

this was world's most primitive jungle.

Quite true.

Well we need it for a cosmetics layout.

Look, try to visualize it, the jungle,

the throbbing, mysterious, sultry Alison Duquesne

posed on a pile of leopard skins in a blue peignoir,

and standing behind her are two savages in breech cloth,

holding poisoned spears.

But why didn't you do it in New York?

Use phony savages in a cosmetics ad?

And what is the purpose of this fantastic venture?

To sell lipstick.

You CIA people amaze me.

CIA?

As a cover story, this is an insult.

Now, pay close attention.

You never had the opportunity of attending

the school of counter espionage technique

that I founded in the capital.

Microfilm can be concealed in objects

much, much smaller than this.

Naturally, if concealment of microfilm is the purpose,

it will be in only two or three out this thousand or more.

Look, I am not from the CIA!

Oh not necessarily, of course,

there is always Albania and Havana.

Would you listen to me just for one minute-

Impound this material, all of it!

The laboratory tests will take a week.

A whole week?

Helicopter!

You must be Alison Duquesne.

You're cheating!

You probably saw a picture of me somewhere!

I'm Ben Morris, your welcome wagon host in Guadagil.

Oh it's just me and Mr. Ortega, Mr. Morris.

How do you do, sir?

Pleasure, Senor Morris.

It saddens me to leave such a charming lady,

- but if you will excuse me. - Of course.

Why do you leave the engine running?

It must remain warm, Senor.

Odd, isn't it, that we should finally meet

in a place like this?

We missed each other in Central Place once.

And in Rome a couple of times.

I couldn't make it to the White House party,

I was in Nairobi.

I wasn't invited, either.

A week? Well, why didn't you tell me?

Senor Ortega is the Department of Tourismo,

he could have helped.

Weill get it straightened out eventually.

Whose crazy idea was it to come here?

Mine.

Mr. Morris, I'm a freelance model,

and I get paid for working, not for waiting.

I have to be back in Paris in three days,

and then tn San Moritz.

Can't even come through customs.

Any other man would've- I'm an artist.

I'm not supposed to be practical.

Artist, peering through a piece of glass?

I know, but I'm not a model, I can't walk on water.

Well call the American Counsel or something.

Hey!

Hey! You!

Get out of there!

Stop him! Police, stop him!

Stop him, Police! Stop!

Oh, damn!

Rotten luck!

It is gone!

They have entrusted to me this beautiful machine,

and I am ruined!

Absolutely ruined!

Remarkable coincidence, wouldn't you say?

What?

The timing.

There hasn't been a helicopter here in two months,

and this one was unscheduled.

But a man who strangely enough can fly a helicopter

just happened to be right there in the jungle

at that precise moment.

First I'm a CIA agent, and now I'm a helicopter thief!

Well you can see it isn't mine, it's too small.

Oh perhaps you can exchange it.

Not quite the bungler you try to appear.

Mr. Morris, I'm becoming rather fond of you.

Well, I'm glad, I think.

Now do we get our lipsticks back?

You have my word, as one professional to another,

that if, at the end of the week, I still haven't discovered

the real purpose of that material,

I shall not only give it back, but you may be present

when I resign my commission, eh?

Then there's no point in us staying here.

How do you get to the capital?

A question which has intrigued me

for nearly three years.

There must be some way.

None, now that your helicopter has been stolen.

No scheduled air service?

Oh, yes.

The sea plane you came in.

It runs every week.

So, enjoy yourselves and revel in the stimulating atmosphere

of our little city, but one false step,

and you may be here for years, or permanently.

Cheer up.

There's still a chance Colonel Celaya will put us in jail.

There must be some mistake.

Excuse me, son, is there another hotel in town?

Si, Senor, the Conquistador.

Ah good, thank you very much.

You wish to speak to Senor Garcon?

He owns it.

He owns the Conquistador?

Well, what's he doing here?

He lives here.

Yes, sir.

The Bolivar.

I understand, Colonel.

Every minute.

Where's the action around here, son?

Action?

You know, excitement, like a movie?

There is none.

A swimming pool?

Tennis court?

Opium den?

What are these for?

It's few bugs.

But small bugs.

I have a feeling we haven't heard the worst yet.

If you wish to stay up after the electricity stops.

What time is that.

Not until nine o'clock.

Well.

Best not fight it.

If you are about to make the startling discovery

that I am woman and you are a man.

Well, the lights go off at nine o'clock,

and there's nothing else to do.

Mr. Morris, it's not easy to resist a proposal

as ardent as quote, "There is nothing else to do."

Who are you?

What is this all about?

Who stole the helicopter?

I do not know.

I did not recognize him.

Where is now?

I do not Know, you must believe me!

And send that collect.

That should get some action.

Well, shall we explore the local points of interest?

Why not.

Should use up three or four minutes.

You'll talk, amigo.

Throw some water on him.

They may not be as stupid as they act.

Celaya's got a tail on them.

Hey.

And to think that we discovered it before the tourists!

Uh-oh.

Senorita! Senor!

Welcome to Guadagil!

I am Figueroa.

My taxi is at your service.

Oh no thanks, we're just going up the street.

I have a lottery ticket.

Big drawings, $1,000!

No, how much for the wild orchid?

- The wild orchid. - Oh!

Very rare type!

But for the senorita, $1,

if you also buy lottery ticket for $1.

I could never resist a bargain.

There you are, sir.

You wish to buy a map to a lost diamond mine?

Only $20!

I can't afford to find a diamond mine,

I'm already behind on my taxes.

But diamonds are very profitable!

Yeah, so are wild orchids at $1 a piece.

No thanks, pal, not today.

As a steam ship ad says, getting there is half the fun.

You can see what he was using for fuel.

There's the bar!

Bar?

So that's where the action was the whole time!

Oh!

Good afternoon, Senorita!

Senor.

What may I serve you?

Vodka martini on the rocks with an olive, please.

Gin martini, tin one, with a twist.

Martini?

$500?

Where did you get it?

I won it at a cock fight.

Or it was fake, who paid you?

Get him up.

No.

No, please.

No.

Listen to those bananas grow.

No, no, bananas make sort of a humming sound.

That's more like that mating call of a wild orchid.

Incidentally, thank you for mine.

Senorita Duquesne, Senor Morris.

I am desolated to hear of the theft of your helicopter.

Well, it was only chartered.

Senor Ortega, we have a problem.

I hope you will not feel

too harshly toward my poor country,

but maybe it was a foreigner who stole it.

Could you possibly describe the thief?

Oh, I'm sorry, I only saw his back.

Would you say he was a large man?

I couldn't even guess.

Perhaps you saw him, Senorita?

No, I'm sorry.

- If it... - Can you think of anyone

who knew you were bringing the machine here?

Who was it?

Who paid you?

You ask more questions than a cop.

Didn't you say you were with the Department of Tourismo?

Oh, yes, of course, Senor.

I am in charge of the office at Parataxin.

Naturally, this is a police affair,

but I would like to help.

As a matter of fact, Senor Ortega-

If there is anything I can do for you,

consider me at your service, anything.

Anything at all.

Well, there is. Would you speak to Colonel Celaya?

There is nothing I can do for you, Senor.

- You just said... - I am sorry.

No one dares interfere with Colonel Celaya.

He would arrest his own brother

- to get back to the capital. - Oh, really?

But let me tell you about my country.

It is so progressive, yet so peaceful and quiet.

You must allow me to buy you a drink!

Senor, three Robusto Sours.

Now, tell me, as visitors,

what do you consider the greatest charm of Guadagil?

Well...

It's peaceful.

And unspoiled.

And the orchids are so beautiful.

The diamond mine's so profitable.

You do have diamonds here?

Oh, yes, of course.

South America mines over half a million carats a year,

and could produce a lot more.

And you seem quite interested in diamonds

for a photographer.

Well, just curious, that's all.

Ah, good.

You have not lived until you have sipped

the nectar of the gods.

Robusto is the local rum,

made from the juice of one of our jungle plants.

To our charming visitors!

Thank you.

Such a delicate flavor.

Great. Wonderful.

I am pleased, but I must be off.

- Enjoy your stay. - Thank you.

- Adios. - Adios, Senor.

You've got class, as well as bone structure.

For a photographer, you are a gentleman.

Tried to escape through the window,

so we learned nothing.

That's all right, I did.

The two strangers?

Their story's almost stupid enough to be true,

but they gave it away when they mentioned the diamonds.

We just sit tight and see which way they go.

If it is Parataxin...

They will lead us right to the helicopter!

What, in your opinion, is Guadagil's greatest charm

for a tourist?

It's warmer than Siberia.

Oh, just think of the action of Arthor's, or the Via Veneto.

Or the Snoqualmie National Forest.

I'm beginning to understand that nut

who stole the helicopter.

He musta lived here all day.

Senorita!

Senor!

I'm at liberty, I take you!

You probably will.

A guide, I show you!

What?

Monkeys, parrots, an ant hill.

I know where Is a beautiful ant hill!

Only 10 miles, we got watch it!

Sorry, doctor said I had to slow down.

The map to the lost diamond mine.

For you, only $10.

And I give to you free, this real shrunken head.

It's a secret, Known only to the Indians of the Amazons.

I'm afraid their secret's out.

This one if from New Jersey.

Oh the poor Indians.

Now they lose business!

America has many more heads!

This lost mine, is it hard to get to?

Oh no, very easy, you drive right to it.

How's the parking?

It just the other side of Parataxin, on a good road!

For another $70, I rent you my car.

What is this Parataxin, anyway?

It's a town, what you call a city.

About 80 miles.

Is it a bigger town than this one?

Very big!

Much people!

There is electricity all night in the wires,

and a movie!

- A movie! - A movie?

Sold.

If we've already seen the picture,

we can always look for the diamond mine.

Adios!

You were right, Parataxin.

This time we will wait until we have the helicopter.

You were right!

This moment!

The road to Parataxin!

Parataxin?

Very well.

90 I was right.

What's that!

It looks like an atrocity commercial.

Now don't panic, men, I'm just hitching a ride.

Rolled my car over on a back road.

Did you ever think of using a thumb?

No, it's more dramatic this way.

Also, it works better.

All right, you're cleared for takeoff, skipper.

Would you mind taking that gun out of the back of my head?

Oh, sure, I forgot I had it.

Guns make you nervous?

I see what you mean!

Your hairdo woulda been all over the front of your shirt.

I'm Sammy Ryderbeit from Johannesburg.

From Leopoldville, from Bogota, and a few other places

where they're still looking for me.

I'm Ben Morris, and this is Alison Duquesne.

What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

Look for a lost diamond mine.

You got a map?

Sure, show it to him.

What'd you pay for this thing?

$10.

Oh, you got stabbed.

That version sells for $5 anywhere.

Here, I'll show you something, catch that.

- What is this? - Now, that's a diamond!

It's industrial grade, and I know where

you can pick a million dollar's worth in an afternoon.

You'd be a king in the used car business.

What does your map retail for, without a good trade-in?

No sale, I'm going after them diamonds myself.

Well why haven't you?

They gotta get ripe or something?

Money!

Takes about $2,000 worth an expedition,

and I haven't got it.

Hey, sell you for half interest?

A half a million for $2,000?

We'd be nothing but crooks.

Oh General, nothing could please me more

than to catch this Morris myself!

And you will notify the Commandantor

that I am to be in charge of the case?

I shall leave for Parataxin within five minutes!

Now listen, this is no corny con game!

These diamonds are hidden to hell and gone

back in a riverbed, back in the bush!

They'll run 20% gemstones!

I used to be an IDB before they made it too hot for me.

A what?

An illegal diamond buyer,

I told you I was from Jo-Burg, didn't I?

Look, you know what a pipe is?

Sure, it's a word before "dream."

Ha, ha!

A diamond pipe is the matrix, it's...

Watch it!

Well maybe we could hook the car onto it and-

What, with a toothpick?

Here, hold onto this, honey.

Now, to get back to the diamonds.

This matrix is blue clay.

It's inside of a rock cylinder,

where these diamonds are formed under pressure-

Where'd you learn that?

Now you’re fighting me!

I keep telling you, I'm from Jo-Burg!

Everybody knows you come from Jo-Burg,

you gotta know diamonds!

No, no, I mean the log.

Oh that?

I was with a Scottish outfit during the war.

Two years!

Regimental champion at the caber throw.

Here, you can't drive on an empty stomach.

Friend of mine has investigated this new bed,

and he's got the diamonds to prove it!

Good god, just picture it!

A million dollars, lying around,

just waiting to get picked up!

I'll say one thing, the caber's not all you can throw.

Oh, get off my back, what do you know about diamonds?

Oh, I photographed the Cartier layouts for years.

Well go on working for peanuts the rest of your life.

Boy, if you weren't such a penny-ante wise guy,

I'd introduce to Stopes, this friend of mine.

I'm meeting him tonight at the nightclub in Parataxin.

Wait a minute, did you say nightclub?

Sure, Madam Lobo's deadfall.

$2 drinks, cover charge, they'll clip you the same

as in New York or tn Paris.

Let's go.

Well, thank you for the lift, amigos.

You're welcome. So long, Sammy.

I'll see you in there.

And I'll introduce you to Snopes,

make you rich in spite of yourselves.

Have you ever seen such a magnificent brute?

Or such a magnificent liar.

Oh I'm glad you did bungle the lipstick.

I wouldn't have missed this for anything.

Intrigues, mysterious meetings, millions in diamonds!

Yeah, a traditional setting, too.

Oh, these things always take place in a shady nightclub.

Madam Lobo will be a smoldering Latin

in a tight evening gown.

Good evening, Senor, Senorita, I am Madam Lobo.

And then there's always the sinuous naked dancing girl.

Did I say sinuous?

And now, for Stopes.

A derelict Englishman, formerly an officer

in the Cold Stream Guards, cashiered for some scandal.

Sodden with rum, brooding over a wasted life.

There he Is now.

Excuse me, is that Mr. Stopes?

Capitan Stopes, Senorita.

We'll have two marti...

Two scotch and waters, please.

Si, Senor.

It's perfect, but I wish

you looked more like Humphrey Bogart.

Let's dance!

If we don't run out of con men,

we'll make it through the week all right.

Oh, they've spoiled it.

Yeah, there goes the neighborhood.

You just can't have a sinister nightclub

with all those rotary club types around.

Capitan Stopes and Senor Ryderbeit

are waiting for you in a private room.

The door marked private.

Well, here comes the pitch.

Would you take care our camera and things on the table?

Si, Senor.

Of course, Stopes hasn't actually been

to this fabulous valley of diamonds himself.

But he has a map, given to him by a dying man

whose last words were, "Millions! Millions!"

And if we give him $2,000, we can see that map.

Captain Stopes, this is Ms. Duquesne and Mr. Morris.

- Ms. Duquesne. - Nice meeting you.

- Good evening, Captain. - Mr. Morris.

There are millions more where these came from.

Mr. Ryderbeit has vouched for you,

even so, I'm sure you'll understand,

I can't reveal the exact location.

Until we agree to come in.

Morris can fill you in on all of this later,

come on, let's go dance.

Bye.

Suffice to say, it's a remote, dangerous,

and almost unknown area.

For years, I had suspected its existence,

and about two months ago, I was able to organize

and expedition with a man named McCune.

We'll show them something, baby.

I used to be a dance instructor.

Come in with us, doll, think big.

Think millions!

You make it all sound so easy!

It isl

McCune was an Australian who came here

with an oil exploration unit,

so he knew a bit about geology, and had been near the area.

We made it across the La Cuchara del Diablo.

La what?

The Devil's Spoon, it's a desert.

We set up camp on the slopes of an extinct volcano.

Then, I came down with dysentery.

Dysentery?

McCune went on, alone.

McCune made it back eight days later,

burning up with Blackwater Fever.

Blackwater Fever.

But with these stones in his pocket.

He died the same afternoon.

But he managed to gasp out his story.

Yes, there were millions of diamonds, he said.

But with McCune dead, nobody'll ever find it again.

If that were true, I'd be wasting your time.

Well, you mean he made a map?

A highly accurate one.

We know where we're going,

but the trip is dangerous and expensive.

Well, why don't you use a helicopter?

Mr. Morris, a helicopter costs $150 an hour,

with a $20,000 deposit if you don't want the company pilot.

We haven't even got the $2,000 it would cost

to mount the expedition on mules.

Well, think it over.

If you want to come in, meet me at my apartment,

at one o'clock tonight, with the money.

With the money, yeah.

The sooner we get started, the better.

Here's the address.

Oh, isn't he an exciting dancer?

Stopes? He didn't even ask me.

Well, what do you think of the pitch?

It's a little chalk-worn, but it's all there.

A little jungle, desert, Blackwater Fever,

dying man with a map.

They're trying so hard, you hate to hurt their feelings.

How do we get out of this?

Well, we're supposed to take the money

to Stopes's apartment tonight.

We just don't go.

I'll see you later.

Stopes may be about to deal with another crowd.

I have a feeling that somebody else has seen that map!

You mean we have to act fast?

Sure!

You can't keep something like this a secret forever!

It's too big.

Look, lend me your car.

I got an errand that'll take about 20 minutes,

and I'll meet you back here.

Why not take a taxi?

A taxi's too easy to follow.

I'll see you.

Being followed, the old cloak and dagger routine.

They are not missing a bit.

Come on, let's dance.

Do it now.

It will be a pleasure!

Hey, Senorita.

You want to dance?

No, thank you.

Oh, come on, pretty one.

We dance!

She said no.

Hold it!

Beautiful shot, I'll send you a copy.

Well, that gets me outta more fights!

Yankee, go home.

Animal! Animal!

Good night, good night.

Madam, shall I call the police?

It's too much excitement, we better go back to Guadagil!

If we can find the car, now where's Ryderbeit?

Maybe he's at Stopes's apartment?

Right. Taxi!

We wanna go to this place right here.

Come on, let's go!

Here.

It's got no keys.

We'll have to find him.

Yeah, this Its it.

Stealthy movements inside.

They forgot to give us the secret password.

Oh, we saw the car down there,

we thought you were in here.

I went around the corner to get a bottle.

The joint was closed, why don't you knock?

Oh, we did.

We heard him in there, but he doesn't answer.

- Would you give me the keys? - Hey, Stopes!

Open up!

Oh never mind the rest of the act.

Look, we're in trouble.

What the hell's the matter with him?

Look, would you just give me the car keys?

What am I, come on.

You heard somebody, all right,

but I don't think it was Stopes.

Good god!

I don't think that's ketchup.

Now we only have to split the diamonds three ways!

If we can find that map!

The map?

Of course, the map!

Look! Whoever killed him didn't find it!

They were still here looking!

And you knocked and scared them off!

You mean someone took that diamond hokum seriously?

Seriously!

What do you think I stole that helicopter for?

Do I look like some kind of a kleptomaniac?

$500 to bribe that pilot, and then the damn thing crashed!

So now we'll just use mules.

Come on, help me find the damn thing!

Don't just stand there like a dummy, look through that!

Will you just give me the car keys?

We'll land when we find that map.

Let's not worry about the car, let's get outta here.

There it is!

Oh, you sweetheart!

Right in my hands!

Stay right where you are!

Come and look.

Morris! Stop!

Sammy!

Sammy, wait!

Low bridge!

Close call!

Yeah, if we'd have had any luck,

they woulda killed us!

Now how about this?

This is a diamond hunter's supermart!

If I hear the word diamond again, look!

The police are gonna think we killed Stopes!

Relax!

Relax.

You're always getting in an uproar of details.

I'll be back in a minute.

Oh Ben, I'm so scared!

How do we get out of here?

Oh, we'll think of something, but stay scared.

Nobody in the whole world knows where we are!

I Know where you are.

I hope Colonel Celaya doesn't.

I wonder what he was doing there.

Well, I don't think he was trying

to give us back our lipsticks.

Boy oh boy, on the run from the police with a madman!

But Sammy was all that saved us!

Great, now who saves us from Sammy?

You know he could've killed Stopes.

That was a pretty flimsy story

about a bottle that he didn't have.

No, I don't think so, I think he couldn't.

Why?

Because he's so confident and masterful-

And such a good dancer!

Okay, now this is Senor Benavides.

Now, he won't squeal to the cops,

and he'll outfit the whole expedition.

Would you get it through your head

we're not interested in diamonds?

All we wanna do is get outta this country!

With Celaya after you, you can't even get outta Parataxin!

But I can get you out.

How?

The back way, with the mules right there.

Look, where we're going, there ain't no cops!

We load up with the diamonds, cross over the frontier,

and you're long gone.

Now Benavides has made a list of everything that we need.

Already?

Well this is where I came when I borrowed your car!

Come on into the store.

Nine mules, three saddles, six pack saddles, three tents.

I am confident, General, that this man Morris

is going to lead us to the head of the whole

revolutionary movement here in Parataxin.

Oh yes, General, we shall keep you informed hourly.

What could it be?

I beg the Colonel's pardon, sir,

but it looks like a lipstick.

Yes.

Doesn't it?

Insect repellent.

Soap.

Six cartoons of cigarettes.

Two cases of Scotch whiskey.

And 200 cigars.

And there it is, from mules to eyeliner.

$2364, shell out.

Well, here's 61.

I've got nine.

What is this, $70?

You cheap phony!

I could get $1,000 for turning you over to the police!

You lied to me about- Now, wait a minute, Sammy!

You're out of touch.

Who uses money?

See, there you are, Diner's Club, American Express,

Bank Americard, Shell, Cart Blanche.

He's good! Good!

All good!

See?

Now wait a minute, I promised him $500

to keep his mouth shut.

It's all right!

It's okay!

It's good, good!

Bribe $500.

There, you see?

Sign here.

They are in Benavides’ barn.

Something that happened to the helicopter.

Probably crashed.

You want me to go in and get them?

No, you would never make it.

Ryderbeit's too good with a gun.

I have a better way.

Takes a least one day to put an expedition together.

So tomorrow night is the earliest

they could sneak out of here.

Alison?

Alison?

What's wrong?

Did you wake me up to tell me to be quiet?

No, to get you out of here.

I've been thinking about this

little stroll through the desert,

you wouldn't have a chance.

You've been a perfect doll through this whole thing,

and I'm not going to get you killed so this maniac

can find his diamonds, let's get out of here.

The police?

They won't shoot even if they catch us,

we could always scream for the American Counsel.

Okay.

All right, get back in here!

Run off, would you?

I oughta kill you both.

Now get over there!

What do you need us for, you got your expedition?

You old fool, the cops'd get you

before you got a block away.

And then they'd get me!

Now this expedition is too big to handle alone,

but you make one more move to get away,

and I'll blow your head off and get somebody else!

Oh, can't you beat some sense into this knucklehead?

All I'm trying to do is save his stupid neck,

and make him rich!

He's right, Ben.

It's our only chance.

Of course I'm right.

Luckiest day of your lives when you run into me!

Now you kids get some sleep, I'll take the watch.

You know I gotta hand it to that guy McCune.

He could really draw a map.

You see anything?

No, nothing.

How do you like me in this?

Great, baby, just great.

And you, Ben.

Terrific.

Well, I think it's a bit extreme for a safari,

a blue nightgown.

Hey.

Here comes something, and in a hurry.

All right, come on.

Out!

Okay, okay.

What's he saying?

Celaya, he's doing a rabbit drive,

a house to house search, and he's coming this way.

He's got the license number and the description.

Well we might as well put a neon sign on it!

Can't we get it out of here?

A road full of cops? Not a chance.

Where can we hide, then?

The haystack, clear in the back.

- Yeah. - Si, haystack, haystack.

Yeah, hold it, hold it!

I got an idea.

Come here.

Police! Open up!

Come in, come in!

If they run, shoot to kill!

We are searching for two North Americanos.

Last seen in this area in a black Plymouth.

I must warn you that withholding information about them

IS a criminal offense!

North Americanos?

They're highly dangerous enemies of the Republic.

Wanted for sedition, and murder!

Madre de Dios, they do not come here!

I wish nothing to do with such North American gangsters!

They are worse than gangsters!

They are political!

And it will go hard with our friends in Parataxin!

They are not here, Colonel.

They have gone!

It's okay! It's all right!

You were terrific, baby!

Just great! Now get lost.

You know, I gotta hand it to you.

That was something.

Beautiful.

Yeah, in my kind of work

I do this sort of thing every day.

But you always use the Madison Avenue approach!

Sammy would've just beaten up the police

and thrown them out.

You betcha I would've!

All right! Now let's roll.

Benavides, get those supplies in here.

And, you, Mr. Morris, start hauling those water cans.

Doll, check everything against this list.

And remember, we're gonna be a long way

from the supermarket.

Okay, it's all clear.

Now you can mount up, but if anybody makes a sound

for the next mile, I'll skin them alive!

Right on schedule.

All right, you got it made now,

your cop troubles are over.

Well, how about that?

30 miles!

And you two cream puffs are still alive.

I'm glad to hear it, I wasn't quite sure.

How about you, Alison?

Oh, I'll survive.

All right, let's have a drink.

All right, mule.

Is that the best you can kick?

I'm gonna boot you all the way to Chile!

You'll never get anywhere

in a kicking contest with a mule.

And what do you know about mules?

You're just lucky Benavides didn't give him

to one of you dudes.

Hold mine a minute, will you?

Get up!

Hey! Yippee!

Yal Yal

Ya, gittup!

Ya! Hey! Yippee!

Ya! Yippee!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey!

You just have to let him know who's boss.

Incidentally, you better cinch up those packs.

Benavides sure is the sloppiest

diamond hitch I've ever seen.

Well, I'll be.

All right, smart aleck, where'd you learn that?

I've been winning ribbons

at horse shows since I was six!

Doll, you are through marking in time!

You have met me and now you can start to live!

We're gonna find those diamonds, and we're gonna buy a yacht

and sail all the way around the world!

Yeah!

And you deserve each other, I hope you both

will always be very sea sick.

Well, we're never gonna find any diamonds here,

SO mount up.

Well don't you think we should camp and get some rest?

Worry, worry, worry, you're worse than an old woman.

The mules are tired, and we're tired.

Shut up, and get on the mule.

He hasn't even bought the yacht,

and already he's Captain Bligh.

And don't you forget it!

Come on, girls.

Stay right where you are!

Now, who's gonna stop me!

Cut, print, perfect cigarette commercial.

I don't like people riding up behind me.

Where're you headed?

We're just passing through.

Don't let me stop you, mate.

When we're ready, who are you?

- Name's McCune. - What?

More of Stopes's suckers, eh?

Now McCune Its dead, so let's try it again, who are you?

Dennis McCune, born in Melbourne, 1925.

Where is the old bludger?

If he's still sending idiots like you

out here to get killed?

He's dead. Murdered.

Couldn't have happened to a nicer bloke.

Sorry somebody beat me to it.

What, you mean his whole story was a lie?

Well I don't know what he told you, do I?

But he did think I was dead, or should be.

He took off with all the meds and left me to die.

Some Indians found me.

And there are diamonds?

No, I'm just going back because I like

quicksand and Blackwater Fever.

Is it as rich as he said?

Like picking up gravel.

I suppose you've got that useless map of his.

Yeah, who says it's useless?

I wasn't stupid enough to trust him, so I drew two maps.

The map he stole from my pocket is a fake!

But this one?

This one was in my boot.

This is only partly fake.

What do you mean, partly?

Two of the compass courses are wrong,

and I'm the only joker that knows which two they are,

and following either of them could kill you.

Nice outfit.

Everything you need except knowing how to get there.

Well, I might just know how to find out!

My bloody oath, sport.

You just hold me feet in the fire until they give you

the right compass courses.

Then you kill me.

But later on, when you're out there dying of thirst,

you might begin to wonder.

"Nah, good ole McCune,

he wouldn't have lied to us, would he?"

Well, we'll follow you!

When you get to the diamonds,

we're gonna be right behind you!

Then you're headed in the wrong direction, mate.

My mule went lame, and I'm going back to Parataxin.

Look, you don't have to go back!

I'll tell you what we'll do, we'll team up.

We'll furnish the complete pack string, everything!

All you gotta do is supply the map, and we split four ways.

Don't be bloody silly, mate.

Now listen, this is a first class operation all the way!

These are the best mules, top notch equipment,

chow like Air France!

Cigars, whiskey.

Well, I always did wanna go first class,

let a couple of ego types do the chores,

and a good-looking Shelia to sew on the odd button.

Might take you on, 90/10.

You figure it out, Sport, who gets the 90.

- 10% split three ways? - I'll see you in hell first!

All right, forget it.

Look, I'm offering you a deal.

We can all get rich!

Sure, with my map.

There's something fishy about this whole setup.

I don't trust him.

Well, I don't see anything wrong,

except this fetlock is a little puffy.

You know, you can lame a mule on purpose.

A tiny wire on his fetlock.

Why would McCune wanna lame his own mule?

60/40, or no deal.

Well, you can always use your own map.

Mind if I take a gander at it?

What happened to your mule, McCune?

I don't know, maybe he got in a skiing accident.

Sammy, come here a minute, will you?

Get lost, I'm busy.

Sammy.

Your partners wanna talk to you.

Hey!

So much for ole Stopes.

I paid over $2,000 for that!

70/30, take it or leave it.

All right.

We'll take It.

I just thought we oughta start even.

Now, get cracking, all of you.

Oh hold on, we've been riding all night!

We're gonna camp here until sunset.

You leave now,

or you get left.

Shut up, and get on the mule.

I tell you, there's something phony about him.

Hell, we saw his passport, didn't we?

Sure, the passport looked fine, it's him I don't trust.

Well now, get this.

He is the only one that can read that map,

so don't start any trouble before we get to the diamonds.

I will take care of him

the minute we don't need him any longer.

If he doesn't take care of us before that.

What do you mean?

We need him to read a map.

He can take care of us any time.

Oh, there are three of us.

There's six of US.

There's two of you, and there's four of me.

I used to put on shooting exhibitions.

Was that before or after you were a mercenary

in the Congo, and IDB, an ivory hunter,

and a major in the Peruvian Air Force?

Watch this.

Just lucky, you can never do it again.

What do you mean, luck?

My god.

Can you do that when the can is shooting back?

Well, I don't know,

but I'm not gonna provoke one just to find out.

Smaller can, twice the distance.

Real hairy crowd.

Now when you're through playing games,

how about some groceries?

Gentlemen, I'm afraid dinner's shot.

What's it like, McCune?

The diamond bed?

Just like any other gravel bar in a big river,

only you can get rich in a day.

Well, what's the terrain like

on the other side of the volcano?

I wouldn't tackle it again without a map,

for all the gold in Kalgoorlie.

And you really started back with a full knapsack?

That's right.

And I was only there one afternoon

and part of the next morning.

Already had the fever, so I ditched most of them.

How much you figure was in the knapsack?

20 pounds, at least.

You don't even know what he's talking about, do you?

Diamonds measured in pounds.

Diamonds are weighed by the carat!

Five carats make a gram!

28 grams make an ounce.

5 times 28 times 16.

Boy that's something over 2,000 carats to the pound.

I don't know.

He must be McCune.

Do you realize, we both could be millionaires?

Yeah, I'm just beginning to believe it.

And do I dread it.

What?

Having to listen to Sammy crow, "I told you so!"

Well, he did have to work pretty hard.

Nobody will make us rich without a battle.

We're too smart.

Well, my own private jet, a hunting lodge in Scotland.

Milkshakes and whipped cream.

Milkshakes?

Well, models are not temperamental, they are just hungry.

If I had the million dollars,

I could put on two whole pounds!

That's a nice outfit.

Little known thing, it's called survival.

No photographer could resist a challenge like that!

Don’t worry if you don't come out glamorous,

I'll tear up the negative.

Whoops, my dear the fashion photographer!

Maybe we oughta pose for him.

Yeah, you'd make a great ad for Planned Parenthood.

You can save that stuff until we hit the swamp.

No insects here.

I don't want to attract any.

A real sharp Shelia, ain't you?

I'm sure it's all right with you jokers

if the bird nests with me.

- Seems to be unanimous. - Hold it.

You're polling the wrong people, McCune.

You're supposed to ask the lady.

Drop off.

Come on, love.

Hold it!

Come on, now!

You idiot, the diamonds!

I don't care about the diamonds, I'll kill him!

Come on, now! Come on!

Hold it!

Now get your hands off me, Sammy, or I'll shoot him!

Now you drop that belt.

Get away from it.

Here, thanks for nothing.

All right, you got away with it this time.

Don't press your luck, you sentimental idiot.

You never told me you loved me.

Yeah, that's because you never looked so beautiful before.

I owe you an apology, Ben.

Why?

For being surprised that it was you instead of Sammy.

Yeah, I was a little surprised myself.

The last time I defended a lady's honor,

I! was 18, and she told me to mind my own business.

Well, this time...

Yes?

Well, this time I felt it was my business.

Something just occurred to you?

Yeah.

You know, we're not doing this to advertise anything.

It's all real.

The fight, the guns, the diamonds, and you.

Not entirely.

You know my name is not really Alison Duquesne.

Are you putting me on?

It has such a natural, homey sound.

McCune will kill you if he gets a chance, you know that?

Oh, I've got his gun, what can he do?

I don't know.

There's something so deadly about him.

God knows Sammy's dangerous and unpredictable,

but somewhat different.

Yeah, I Know what you mean.

If Sammy killed you,

five minutes later he'd buy you a drink.

Don’t you think we oughta take a look at the map?

There's no need to check it here,

and when there is, I'll check it.

Hey, hero!

Keep that pack string moving.

I'll be on your tail all day.

Do your own job, McCune, I'll handle the mules.

Come on.

Hold off! Give us a hand!

Come on, hold on, hold on!

- Back up, back up! - I got it.

Come on, steady! Steady!

I gotcha!

I'm all right, I'm all right!

Just let me go!

Let go of me!

Something spooked my horse.

What's the matter with you?

Are you crazy or something?

He tried to kill me!

Now how stupid can you get, he just saved your life!

Hey hold up a minute.

Sammy, where'd you put the chapstick?

I forgot to get any.

Over $2,000 for this fouled up expedition,

and you couldn't even by a 35 cent chapstick?

What'll we do now?

Stop smiling so much.

Whoa.

Lipstick?

I'll wear that tn hell.

You mean we aren't already there?

Don't you like the color?

Lucky I carry spares.

Pink Jungle.

Naked Savage.

And Passion's Plaything.

All right, you goof-offs!

Move out.

Oh yeah.

Devil's Spoon.

You just can't live down there during the day.

We'll pitch tents and wait until sundown.

He tried to kill you once, so sleep lightly.

Who can sleep?

Sammy, Alison?

Sammy, wake up!

Well, I'll kill him!

Oh, I'll tear him apart with my bare hands!

Now this is all your fault!

You had to start a fight over that dumb broad!

You couldn't be civilized

and wait until we got there to kill him!

Now we'll never get those diamonds!

Diamonds, who cares?

There's no water this side of Parataxin!

How much you got?

Less than half.

There's still some moisture.

With this zero humidity,

he couldn't have left more than a couple of hours ago.

All right, let's go.

He maybe left some canned food,

or some tomato juice, or something.

There's a jar!

Salted peanuts!

I'm gonna get a hold of him,

and the first thing I'm gonna do

is dry shave that beard off face down in the ground!

Come on, what are you standing there for?

Let's go!

Sammy, take the advice of a dumb broad,

and put on your pants.

Eh?

Oh.

Now who says you're a dumb broad?

You're a doll.

Couldn't keep your eyes off me, could you?

Where're you going with that junk?

I wouldn't miss getting pictures of this!

How much of this can we take, any food?

If we don't catch up to McCune,

we ain’t gonna live long enough to get hungry.

Go.

Save yourself.

Well, what's the matter now?

She needs rest.

Oh, why in hell do we have to be stuck with a woman?

Well, you're not.

You'll be a dead hero.

Why don't you go with him?

I'm an artist, I'm not supposed to be practical.

He turned out to be predictable after all.

Well, not quite.

You ever tell anybody I was this big a jerk,

and I'll kill you.

He missed the trail!

And he went looking for it.

He went that way first!

And then he double backed.

We may have gained hours on him!

McCune!

The no good louse!

He's dead!

Well, I'm flattered, I didn't know you cared more

for me than your diamonds.

Oh, all right, all right, so I shot before I thought.

Nobody's perfect.

Well, what the hell good is a map now?

It's not here.

He had it.

What'd he do with it?

Well he couldn't have given it to anyone.

Unless he left it back there for someone.

Then there are people behind us.

No, they're ahead of us.

And McCune was going to meet them up there.

And now we gotta do it for him.

Come on, let's go.

Let's go? We're dying of thirst!

You and your stupid diamonds!

Okay, okay.

That's a good idea.

Oh, that was a good idea.

Here, honey.

It's full of broken glass.

Well, strain it through your teeth,

you a dude or something?

Oh, boy!

To think I put up with all that lip for nothing!

Coulda killed him days ago.

Now, stay low!

Where's the helicopter?

Oh, who cares?

Who is that?

And what's he doing?

It's Ortega!

Ortega?

90 he killed Stopes.

Never mind, what's he doing?

He's sorting beans or something.

Beans? Let me see that.

That's diamonds!

They must've seen us.

Who cares?

More diamonds!

That's where the chopper was,

it was on a milk run down to the riverbed.

They saved us the worst part of the trip!

Uh-oh!

They saw us, all right.

All right, you take Ortega.

One more to go.

This thing's no good at that range!

He's got a scope sighted rifle, and he knows how to use it!

You keep shooting to cover me.

Oh now, you never give up, do you?

You're gonna be a dead hero if it kills you?

I let him get up there, I'll go after him.

Ortega!

Throw it away.

Throw it away!

Hold it!

Now that was nice going!

Bluffing him with an empty gun!

What do you mean, bluffing?

Well, I can count, can't I?

You were outta shells.

With Passion's Plaything, you always get your man.

I photographed the original layout.

Oh!

Then why are you going back to Guadagil?

With that luggage compartment full of diamonds?

Gotta be careful.

Sammy, watch what you're doing.

And I know a buyer there I can trust.

He got New York connections, he'll pay us in dollars.

We'll only be there long enough to make the deal.

Oh, I still can't believe it!

Then you are glad you took this assignment?

That's one way of putting it.

Sure, you wouldn't have met me!

Doll, we're gonna buy that yacht,

and they can trail us around the world

by empty champagne bottles!

I appreciate it, Sammy, but I'm afraid not!

Now you can't mean that!

You owe it to yourself!

I'm colorful, I'm lovable, I'm all man.

I know, I know.

But I've always had this crazy desire

to live until 30.

I'm sorry, but I'd hate myself if I turned honest!

Sammy, come back here!

No, stop him! Somebody stop him!

Oh, you pretties! You pretties!

That dirty, thieving rat, I knew he'd do it!

Don't just stand there, Colonel,

arrest that man immediately!

I will decide who's to be arrested, Mr. Morris!

Colonel, arrest these people for kidnapping!

Silence!

Ortega.

The bulletin's only been out an hour,

I have already captured him!

You have, that's wonderful!

The leader of the whole underground movement in Parataxin!

I will be returned to the capital,

and restored to the rank of brigadier!

Good for you.

Oh, Mr. Morris!

You've done a great service to our country!

Is there anything I can do to make your stay

in Guadagil more pleasant?

Yeah, shorten it.

When is the next sea plane out of here?

You just missed it.

Oh, but there is going to be another one in a week.

A week?

Oh no, not another week at the Bolivar Hotel!

Now, now, don't get upset.

Let me see what I can work out.

Colonel, I mean, Brigadier.

Isn't there something you could arrange,

like a military plane, to get us outta here?

Out of the question.

Oh, you're not holding us here

because you still think I'm a CIA agent?

I'm sorry, no.

That was an error in judgment.

I'm afraid I must apologize.

Well, it's about time.

To the CIA.

It is gratifying to know they are not yet

scraping the bottom of the barrel.

This is 7-7 reporting, are you there, Clyde?

Roger.

Operation Pink Jungle is concluded.

You can scratch Ortega, the revolution has been postponed.

Oh, by the way, there's a nut named Ryderbeit

flying outta here right now in a chopper.

Let him go, will you?

I could never have pulled it off without him.

I'll send a plane.

No, no, don't send a plane.

Colonel Celaya might get suspicious,

I may wanna use this same cover story another time.

Besides I got some unfinished business here.

Is it part of your assignment?

Well, no, it's not official, but...

You might call it undercover activity.

I'll see you in about a week, Clyde.